Maria’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Maria's Mother's Suspicious Message and Eavesdropped Secret

I was spinning, starting to spin a bit.

I think I maybe texted them.

I remember that Wednesday I was at work and I had actually just listened to a message from my mom because I had texted them saying I want to come visit you guys.

I have some some curious questions I have because I want to test you guys again.

And she left me a message.

Essentially she was like, why are you doing this test?

Like what do you know what you need to know?

We're going to tell you everything.

And then something, something.

And she hangs up.

And when my parents hang up, even the FaceTime, they're like, they don't quite hang up.

So I will 100% eavesdrop and be like, what, what shit are they talking about me?

But in this case, she was like, hadn't hung up yet.

It was like a voice message.

And she eventually obviously hung up, but I could hear her in Russian saying to my dad, I think she found something out.

And I couldn't tell if I heard that right.

And I was like, they're like, we played it like 40 times.

Kicking Off Season 13 with Maria's DNA Surprise Story

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that explores the life altering world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis Oursalt.

This show centers the stories of people who've experienced NP, ES or non paternal events.

In other words, people who've learned that their biological father isn't who they thought he was.

We'll also hear from adoptees, donor conceived people, and the families navigating these discoveries.

Get ready to follow the incredible journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

Welcome to season 13 of DNA Surprises.

We're kicking off this season with a story that asks the question, what do you do when you learn that not one, but both of your parents aren't related to you?

A child of Russian Jewish immigrants, Maria shares her late discovery adoptee experience, which includes A shocking ethnicity shift.

During our conversation, Maria details how she uncovered the truth, and she explores how her discovery has shaped her view of cultural belonging.

She also shares how her discovery has affirmed the choices she made with her own child.

Thank you for sharing your story, Maria.

Maria's Upbringing as a Russian Jewish Immigrant

My name is Maria, I'm 49 years old and I'm from Boston.

My DNA surprise story really came out of nowhere completely blindsided in 2023.

So a couple of summers ago I ordered a 23 andme test and I just sat on it for like 9 months, something like that.

And I was like, all right, I paid like 100 bucks for this, I should do this.

I spit in the tube.

It took so long to actually drop it off somewhere.

It was like sitting in my car for a while because in Boston, I don't know if this is everywhere, but the mailboxes now are like just like for envelope like slits, right?

So like it's not those like pull down.

So it was like in my car in my backseat for a long time.

I finally was like randomly like on Cape Cod and I was like, Oh my God, there's an old school mailbox.

I jumped out and dropped it in and then, you know, I got my results of whatever like two months later.

I don't even remember how long it took and I just prefaced this to say it was just for funsies.

The end result was nothing but not funsies at all.

It was the opposite.

But it really really had zero anything like 0 feelings or suspicions or anything.

It was just, it was just really out of that curiosity to get like a bigger picture.

Speaker 2

Did anyone know that you were taking the test?

Speaker 1

Just my wife and I don't know if if I even shared it with my kid.

I mean, they're they're like 7 years old.

There wasn't like a big reason behind it aside aside from just hearing about it and be like just curious about it.

My whole life my story has been and a lot of it's still true, but a big portion of it is not in terms of identity is I was born in Russia in Saint Petersburg.

It was Leningrad at the time.

I was a sick kid.

I don't know my parents ever got into it, but it was like maybe I had pneumonia, like when I was like really little.

So they just struggled with that.

And I totally get it as a parent now.

Like that's so stressful.

At age 4, in 1980, my parents and my maternal grandmother, we all moved to the States.

I grew up in a Jewish family, so we all know what happened to Jews in Europe.

And so my mom's, there was a lot of trauma, you know, like my mom cited her family, like all went to the camps basically.

That was a big theme in my life.

And so in Russia, the government is just also, this is not a reflection of the people, right, 'cause just like other oppressive governments, the people get brainwashed.

And even now, even with these DNA tests, they don't like allow it actually, but.

Interesting.

So Russia doesn't have like ancestry isn't in Russia.

Like like they're citizens.

Yeah, and I'll and I'll tie that comment like a little later in my search.

It's just basically, it's just a lot of propaganda, a lot of, you know, spying on your citizens.

And then obviously a lot of anti-Semitism, which is all over the world.

But obviously in, in Europe and, and Russia, there was like waves of like when the, I would say like when the doors open, the waves of Jews who just like fled basically in the 70s and the 80s, they were able to get on planes and they were, and Russia was basically like, get the hell out of here.

So my parents took advantage of that and we stayed in Europe for a little while, like in Germany and stuff like that.

I think they wanted to go to Israel originally, but it was they were afraid of how hot it was.

So they ended up coming to the US.

That was a story that I knew.

We came because of anti-Semitism and they built, you know, basically it was like the immigrant story, like 80 bucks in your pocket.

My dad worked at a supermarket and he was an engineer.

And so he eventually got a job in an engineer.

My mom worked random jobs.

My grandmother was my only.

I've never had a babysitter aside from my grandmother.

So I always say I had three parents, which is really great.

I'm sure there's a lot of stress that they experienced moving to a new country at 8.

Like, I can't even imagine, like, right now, just getting up and moving to a brand new country.

My dad and I are 40 years apart and got such a late stage in life to start over.

And it happens all the time, obviously.

But yeah.

But I think my childhood was like, you know, a lot of love, a lot of attention.

Did you have siblings?

No, my mom did say that when I was 2 that she got pregnant but because they didn't know they were coming here just yet, like to the states, if they knew then they I think they would have had the child.

At least that's what they're saying.

And my grandmother was my only babysitter, so it was just too much for her to handle at that time.

That's another thing.

If I had siblings, maybe I would have been one of those people in the interviews where like I always felt something was weird or off, but I ended up being just this really interesting mix of the of my, you know, I'm not biologically, This is why I'm here, right?

I'm not a mix of my parents, but like I'm not like 100% one way or the other.

But you can like kind of pull, pull a little bit.

The traits like my mom had more dark features.

My dad, his blue eyes, all the photos are like black and white.

But you can know like his bone structure and like his body type.

I was like, I'm more like him.

If I was a guy, I'd really be like him.

I'd like darker eyes, like maybe darker hair.

But I always said I'm a very curious mix of the two, you know?

So now when you're reflecting, you're like shit.

So you were able to kind of make sense of it, OK.

Queer Identity, Intentional Parenting, and Donor Siblings

Yeah.

So, yeah, my, my childhood was very stable.

You know, we moved very infrequently.

Maybe in the first like few years we found apartments and then had like a condo that they still have.

My grandmother passed away and when she was 96.

So I had her for a pretty good amount of time in my life.

It was a couple years before my kid was born.

So I had a lot of stability.

I'm a queer woman.

So when I came out in 18 and that's, that is when a lot of stuff with my parents and I got harder because it's such a low bar, but they didn't kick me out of the house.

They didn't disown me like what a low bar to have as a clear person.

But you know, in the end, I know they love me, you know, so we've had our roller coasters.

I get always a lot of love, but we've had a lot of roller coasters since I I became an adult and got more independent.

And I think when I had my kid, I started setting more boundaries too.

So that kind of, you know, that in some ways, like you romanticize, like, oh, like you're gonna have a baby.

We're all gonna, I'm gonna bring them a grandchild.

You know, it's a, it's gonna be this great more bonding thing.

And in some ways it's separated, separated us a little bit more, but it was really on my end because you see things that are said and just little ways where I'm like, no, we're not gonna say that to to.

Them.

Are you the biological parent of your child?

Good question.

Do you adopt?

My child is my biological child came out of my body.

I would say that is the most surreal thing that's probably ever happened to me.

The second most surreal thing that's ever happened to me in my life is my DNA surprise.

But yeah, I have a wife.

We've been together over 20 years.

And so, you know, there can't be any oopsie poopsies with two women.

You know, in terms of pregnancy, I had to be intentional and I knew I always wanted to be a parent no matter how that looked.

I didn't know if I could get pregnant cuz all I had was like, I know my mom had struggled with her like cycle and all that stuff.

And I knew my parents weren't getting pregnant for a long time.

So I was like, maybe that's my case too.

So we did IUI and ended up at sex with the uterus.

We went to a place called Boston IVF in case we had to go that route.

But I got pregnant on the second try.

And then I did get pregnant again two years later but at a miscarriage.

But we didn't have any more vials with the same guy.

And we were like, you know, because we did want to.

This is again related.

We was tell our kid as early as they can remember, you know, like when you have two women, they need help right from a man or you need sperm and if you have two guys, you need help, right, right.

So I was like, we got help and there's lots of other families who got help from the same guy cuz we use like a website, a guy who's willing to be known when they're 18, which is pretty cool.

So we have actually been this related and I'm very grateful that we've been doing this cuz you when you get sperm from like a sperm bank, the site we use, you have a choice to reach out to the families.

Basically, we know at least twelve siblings.

They call donor diblings, donor siblings.

My kid Abby has a lot of donor siblings, which are diblings.

And we, we have just building, we've been building that community for them.

It's their choice in the end.

And how old is your child?

They're going to be 9 and like four days.

So this pre dates your DNA surprise, but even back then you knew that you wanted openness around the genetic.

Thank you, thank you for making that connection cuz that is something we were so intentional about and I, you know, I don't know, maybe if I was male and I, you know, we, we had, I had some issue and like you know what I mean?

I can't like say what what I would have been like or open about it, but with two women, I guess the point of me saying that is like, you can't hide that two women, you know, obviously you.

Can't hide but but you could have gone an anonymous route.

But you, you wanted that knowledge and that ability to connect.

Yes, I I wanted Avi to to know that their to know their story.

Honestly my wife and I both really wanted Avi to to just know as much as they can know age appropriate.

They know that sperm and egg, you need that to make a baby.

Maria's Shocking Discovery of a 0% DNA Match with Her Father

OK, you submit your test, you get your results, Yes.

What do you see?

So as far as I knew my story that I was always like, I'm 100% Russian Jew.

I don't know any other, you know, background to that or any other mix of that from what my parents have shared with me.

So my results came in and again, I was completely ignorant, naive to any DNA percentage or science of this.

It was 48% Finnish.

The other half was like Russian definitely.

And then like a smaller sprinkle like Baltic.

And I know all that the whole area broke up and you know, so it probably was like a bigger chunk maybe of Russia.

And honestly, this is how like ignorant I I was too at all 0 red flags went off.

I was like, Oh, that's interesting.

You know, and I texted my parents being like, Hey, I just and that was the first time I ever told them I was like, there's Finnish in here.

That's so cool because also Saint Petersburg, like it was right near Finland.

So we're like Western Russia.

And I was like, I'm like, it's probably from you pop.

My dad, my mom definitely does not look anything any not not Finnish.

If anything, I would have guessed that maybe she would had little Sephardic Jew in her, but she doesn't.

She's 100% Ashkenazi Jew, which is also my dad, 100% Ashkenazi Jew.

So my my dad replied like, no, every time I'm every time I'm going to say my parent talk like my parents is going to be in this Russian accent.

But he's like, no, all my family is from, you know, the South, like Ukraine and you know, and I'm like mansplaining this to him, like basic science.

I'm like, no, this is like ancestry.

Like I know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I'm like, this is, you know, because I have no, I'm literally like still just stars in my eyes.

I have no idea what's going on.

Like no clue.

So this was six months before I found out before my mom told me.

Well, the deal was she said nothing, which I should have actually taken that as like a sign, but I had zero reason to think anything.

So I looked around.

I had some relatives in Israel.

It was just was like, OK, so.

You weren't like, why doesn't this say Ashkenazi Jew?

I I looked at the list and it didn't.

And so I was because my whole thing, my whole spiel in my life, and this is actually has been proven kind of against me.

I was always like, being Jewish is in your blood.

You know, sometimes for some American folks, maybe other countries too, it's it's viewed just as a religion.

Like you could just be Jewish.

I'm like, you cannot just be Jewish.

Like I can't, I can grow up in China.

Like, I could have been born in China as a white woman and like, speak the language, be immersed in the culture.

Like, that's all I know.

But I, I can never be biologically Chinese.

And yes, you could choose to observe a culture.

You can choose to like, a, you know, a practice or religion, but I was like, you cannot just be Jewish, you know?

And I would fight with people about this.

But now, like, backfired a little bit.

But yeah, I looked through the list and I was like, wow, none of the Jewish stuff came up for me.

And I was like, wow, maybe I was wrong about that.

All right.

Well, OK.

But you weren't like, why are like, are my mom and dad not actually?

I hadn't tested them yet, so this is my first time taking a test ever.

So I was like, OK, it's not picking up the Jewish thing.

Maybe I'm wrong about that, about my theory.

I was like, maybe it is just a thing you say.

You decide.

I really I and now it's like I feel like a idiot, but like I really didn't because I had no reason to.

So 23andMe and I think some other like Ancestry also, if you're born biological female, they recommend if you want to get like a bigger picture test a male relative in your family.

So I was like, all right.

And I don't have any uncle.

My parents are only children.

My maternal grandparents are all only children on my dad's side.

His parents did have siblings and I'm an only child.

I grew up as an only child.

My father was the only one who I could test.

So I visit them Connecticut and I was like, pop do this test.

I want to like I just did DNA test as you knew, and I was like do this and I want to get like more things.

My mom is like what you doing?

What you doing?

I'm like, when your own business, you know, she's like all in our business all the time.

We call her the armchair director.

And I really now I understand why she was freaking out.

But my dad took the test willingly.

People were like, why?

He must have wanted you to know something.

Or he just really was like me was completely ignorant to this.

So he took the test and I was like, all right, when those results come in, I'm just going to link our accounts.

Boom.

Going to get a big picture.

Yeah, satisfy whatever curiosity I had.

Well, his results came in and got the message.

And I remember this, my my wife's a therapist and she was upstairs on a call with clients.

And I was like, all right, going to connect this.

And I was about to go pick up my kid at school and I connected my dad and me and it said 0% match.

And I'm like, that's really weird.

I don't know what to do with this.

I went to get my kid, came back.

Obviously a part of me was like fire alarms going off, but a part of me was like, what does that even mean?

That something must have gone wrong?

You know, like I must have kept that that thing in my back seat in the hot weather for too long.

Like I must have, you know, I don't know.

But when?

What, Alex?

Oh, I like that one.

I've I've heard of all the different mental gymnastics we do, but I like that's a new one.

I kept it in my car too long.

It was too hot.

Somehow.

It yeah, it got too hot, obviously.

Yeah, yeah.

Makes sense?

And so when my wife came down, I was like, hey, take a look at this.

And she was like, huh.

We were both like, didn't know what to make of it.

She's like, do you want to go down a rabbit hole?

And so she got some wine.

We just sat there and just analyzed it.

We just didn't know.

Confronting Her Mother and the Truth of Her Adoption

And there was one point where she was like, because we were looking at the places I was from, like all my, you know, sprinkles of me everywhere.

She was like, what if you were adopted?

I was like, that's fucking ridiculous.

The idea was so absurd.

And for next few days, I did some Google Googling like idiot stuff like can you not share DNA with your parents?

I would talk to like random people be like, have you ever done, done these tests?

Like how accurate are these?

And anytime I would tell that that like I, I match 0% with my dad, people were like, Oh my God, you could see it on like they knew before I knew.

Luckily I already had a therapist.

She literally was like, Oh my God, do you see stories about this?

But so for like maybe a week, I was just sort of like, what trying to make sense of it?

And I'm like, OK, I'm going to calm the calm the fuck down.

I'm going to get it.

I probably did something wrong.

Was this my saliva was baking in the back seat.

I'm going to get an ancestry test and I'm going to get a couple more tests for my dad and I'm going to test my mom.

Not going to create any drama.

Like what if this was a mistake?

And I just like needlessly emotionally disturbed like these elderly people.

However many weeks later that came back, I remember one of our friends was here and it came back basically the exact same for me, the exact same breakdown.

My dad came out as 98.9% Ashkenazi Jew.

So like well that adds up.

And he and even in his text he was like what did my results say?

So now I'm like starting to freak out because I'm like does does he not know?

Am I about to slow up this big thing?

Because my mom was a little shady.

She's been quiet.

My dad was like, sure, I'll take this test in a Russian accent.

And I, I'm like, oh shit.

And it just didn't make sense because I was like, out of the two of them, I look more like him.

I made a vow to myself, like if, if he doesn't know I need to get my mother alone.

Something was really not adding up and I needed to talk to her because I have not actually talked to her yet.

She hasn't addressed anything.

I made a vow to myself.

He's now he's 89 years old.

I'm like, I'm not going to destroy this guy and his last stage of life basically, if he doesn't know and it was terrified, you know, that I was going to blow up her thing.

Or maybe they both knew and they used somebody even though in Russia in 1976, I don't know how about the IVF situation was I doubt that was an option, but my brain was just like, things were not adding up.

They could have addressed it right away when I told them six months ago when I innocently was like, hey, look at these DNA results, not realizing.

We're just like feeling like, yeah, like just gas lit or not validated because it increasingly got more and more mind boggling and just like I I was going crazy.

So what do you do?

Because I get it.

Like I think it's very understandable why you wouldn't want to shock your father thinking that he doesn't, he may not know this information.

So do you go to your mom?

I got the confirmation of my DNA breakdown from Ancestry that Saturday.

I remember that Wednesday, I was at work and I had actually just listened to a message from my mom because I had texted them saying I want to come visit you guys.

And she eventually hung up, but I could hear her in Russian saying to my dad, I think she found something out.

And I was like, what?

And like we played it like 40 times.

So I drove down probably like a less like a zombie going there than coming back with the DNA kits in my bag.

My dad had a doctor's appointment, which was great timing because I wanted to get my mom alone.

I dropped them off and then my mom and I were in the living room.

I sat down and I had the kits and I was like, so I just have some.

I don't know.

I have some questions.

I don't know exactly word for word what was said because you're just like, it's almost like you're looking at yourself from like the ceiling, you know?

Yeah, it's like a dissociation.

100% And my mom was like, what's the vague for your father?

I'm like, does he know That's all I, you know all I said because I don't even know what I was saying.

I don't even know what the what is what, what does he know?

But I was just like, does he know?

She's like, yes, I'm like, please just tell me now.

So she can be very emotional and passionate and all that.

But sometimes in like emotional moments, she maybe goes into this like hardened mode.

But the way she like told the story was like, like a documentary.

She was like, I had a friend who worked at a hospital and there was this baby there that was sick from the orphanage, but she wasn't, you know, this baby was like very rare for this, for the children to not be mentally ill.

I don't know how she worded it.

My parents didn't have a kid.

I guess they weren't worried about it.

But she was like, there's this child here, you know who you can take basically, not just take, I'm sure there was some paperwork.

This child is very sick and all the stuff.

And I'm just like, who are you talking about?

Are you talking about me?

Like, is this me?

Like, like it wasn't like we adopted you.

You were a sick baby.

There was like no personalization to it.

It wasn't like we wanted a baby.

We weren't desperate.

You were, you know, this and this.

It was like my friend worked at this hospital, there was a baby in there that was mentally healthy but very sick physically.

And I was like, I, I could not believe the words that were coming out of her mouth right now.

It was the most fucking surreal moment of my life.

It took me like full two days to like ask more questions.

But in that moment, first of all, I was like, you guys probably saved my life.

That was and honest and I still feel that whether it's literally whether I would the quality of my life even before knowing this being like an open queer woman and I'm an artist too.

I already said thank you for bringing me this country, but now this is a different layer where they literally took in the sick baby like they saved my life.

It's almost like I went into this maybe appeasement because I know this was like an enormous moment for her.

I was like floating on the fan up there like somewhere, like hanging out with the spider in the corner.

Like I was just like, what the hell, What's happening right now?

But I was just trying to be, I was trying to like normalize the situation for myself too.

It was.

I mean, does it hit you in that moment that if your mom is not biologically related to you?

It's still even talking about it right now because day-to-day, nothing has really changed monumentally.

This is still my life, knock on wood.

I have a child, I have like a wife, have my job, you know, my parents are my parents.

But this is a huge detail that was left out of my life.

And they were going to take this to their grave if I hadn't accidentally stumbled across this.

And I said to her, I was like, I was so worried.

I was like, really terrified that you had an affair.

And she was like, I wouldn't be with the Finnish man.

And I'm like, OK.

And this also kind of like shows.

No offense.

Yeah, no offense to all the Finnish Oh.

My God, I mean, like, what an asshole, right?

Right.

Exactly.

You're like, I mean, she's literally insulting my people now.

Navigating the Loss of Her Jewish Identity and Cultural Roots

So that's kind of the other piece, right, is now you're finding out that you are not Ashkenazi Jewish as you have been raised your entire life.

And how does that make you feel?

That is like, yeah, there's so much to unpack.

It's still so fresh.

So when I talk about it for the first time, and you're the first person I'm talking to who actually can relate to the story.

And I know I've seen your videos.

I know people have, you know, I've listened to a lot of your your podcasts just to like, it's really helped, right, Even if it's not the exact same story, just like the the like blindsided emotional part of it.

I mean that's a huge part of your origin story.

Like your parents left Russia because of anti-Semitism and hopes for a better life Like.

In my entire, not like my entire, because I know with your story, you're like, you know, you found out you're like a different race.

And when I say like the Jewish race, I'm a white woman.

I have the privilege of a white woman.

I'm not denying that at all.

But being Jewish, I was always like, there is generational trauma associated with that, that that is a race that's viewed as a race in Russia.

You had a star on your identification.

You can't equate traumas and and atrocities and like, you know, just just all that.

But it's like the only way I can like explain it.

I think my wife had actually made that comparison.

It was almost like like I grew up like in a, as a white person growing up with say, in a Native American family, thinking that that was my story and being like, you know, and then finding.

Stories and carrying it, yeah.

Finding out I, I don't actually have any historic like generational historical connection to it.

And I know you can relate to this because I had someone just recently say someone I love.

There are always people you love, right?

But she's like, you're still Jewish.

I'm like, I can't, I can't not do, you know, do the like, you know, like the Jewish like things that is embedded in me, but I'm literally not.

And and it's it's that identity crisis is like, Oh my God.

And are you Jewish as a religion?

I'm atheist.

I really identified as like this is my, my blood, my DNA.

So it was a cultural connection, not a religious connection.

So to have that genetic piece removed, yeah, that that took something from you for sure, yeah.

'Cause I was like, this is part of my makeup, you know?

And again, doing this test proved that, but in not the way I I ever imagined.

Right, right.

It's like now you are.

It's like you're culturally Jewish, not genetically Jewish, and not through religion either.

I don't even know like if I would even be like I'm culturally like I don't I was raised in that culture but I'm I'm very confused.

This is a good question.

Like if somebody asks you how you identify today, what do you say?

I would probably have a longer answer and be like, well, I just found out that I'm adopted and that I I, I actually don't have the identity.

I thought so I'm, I'm Russian and Finnish and that's what I would say at least the Russian if, if that wasn't part of my I don't know, I'd probably like lose my fucking mind.

At least I can.

Yeah, OK.

No, thank you for clarifying that though, because I think you know, some people, they do hold on to the, the cultural and and they still strongly identify with it.

But it's totally valid to say you don't necessarily feel that in in light of all of this.

Because, because it's like, yes, we did, you know, I my, my kid just did Hanukkah.

They, this last winter was a little confusing for me, but we did it like out of you can't escape, like Christmas, you know, you can't escape even even when I was, you know, that was Jewish.

But like on Christmas, I'd like hang out with my friends, you know, 'cause my parents didn't celebrate it.

It really was just sort of like I didn't do any of the rituals.

It really is.

It's like a religious ritual.

I didn't, I didn't do any of it except for Hanukkah.

So for me, it's not like I had to give up going to temple or I had to give up something.

I was like, this is just who I am.

Do you have this conversation with your mom?

Processing Trauma from Her Unknown First Nine Months

Your dad isn't home yet.

What happens when he gets home?

Well, I went to go pick him up at his doctor's appointment and I was like, Mom told me he's been avoidant this whole time, even now.

I honestly don't remember what I said in the car, but I was very calm.

I was like trying to not create drama even before my mom told me.

I was like apologetic that I was asking because I was like, I need answers because none of this is making sense.

I was just like, I'm sorry that I found this out.

I'm really sorry.

But I now you need to tell me what's up.

And I told him I was really afraid mom had an affair.

He like laughed about it and that was like really it.

So we went back to the house, we had lunch and we were just sort of, kind of goes through the motions of like normal stuff.

My mom was like, OK, So what else do you want to know?

You know, And I'm like, I don't, I don't know.

Like, I was like, kind of like, leave her alone.

She just found out about this.

You know, my brain was just like, stay calm.

On my way to get my dad at the doctor's appointment, I did send a text to my wife because she knew I I was going there.

And I was like, let me know when you're ready for some big news.

And she had to sit down, you know, all the way down.

She was like, Oh my gosh, the next day then and I came home just shell shocked.

My wife had a training that whole weekend.

She was like, Oh my God, this is bad timing.

I can't be here for you.

So I went to see a movie with my kid and it was like the high robot movie.

I don't know if you've ever seen it.

And it's about like this robot mom who adopts.

This it's like an are you my mother type scenario.

And I was like, Oh, my God.

So and then Sunday morning, our kid was still asleep and Alex and I got a chance in the in the kitchen.

That was the first time I was able to have, like, an emotional release about it, like crying about it.

And I was just like, oh, my God, that Saturday before, before that, Alex was like, do you know when you were adopted?

Like, I didn't even think to ask these questions.

So I was I went back, they said a year old.

It was technically nine months and I was like, what?

Like when they said in February and they always were like February's February is our lucky month, you know, because I've like jobs and this and I didn't know that.

That's another big piece of it.

I've asked them four times at least, like over text, what, like what day, just so I have that like anniversary and like they like never responded to me about it.

I asked did I have a name before?

Did they give me the name I have now, Maria or like, did I have a name?

They said that they gave me this name, though Now I'm like questioning it because Maria is not a very Jewish name.

It's a very common Russian name, even like Italian and you know, like other, other places.

But their story was always like, we didn't want to give you a very Jewish name just so you didn't get bullied basically because it's like a very anti-Semitic country.

Now I'm like second guessing that because for nine months that's like a, a legit amount of time to be like answering to somebody.

I don't know what my care was like anyone even like paid attention to me.

Like, I don't know those nine months.

I need to, I have, I need to do some, I think I need to go intentionally do some trauma therapy.

Not that I'm going to remember necessarily, but to tap into that because that's nine months of my life.

I had no idea.

I just thought I was born to these parents.

So who knows what kind of trauma I I mean.

And you hear so many things about Russian orphanages.

I know and that's really hard to hear because it's like, and I've had friends be like, oh, I heard they're I'm like, don't tell me that, you know, like it's almost like I'm not ready, it's like.

Oh yeah, it's a lot.

But it's it's amazing that you want to tap into it and process it in whatever way you can without, you know, being able to remember.

Yeah, I'm like, it might have been fine, but I was in the hospital like back and forth in the hospital a few times.

So I obviously like got sick from there.

Maybe it wasn't from lack of care, but maybe it was or maybe, you know, who knows?

I remember like a long time ago being like surprised that I wasn't breastfed.

And I was like, all right, well, some people don't, you know, but I just in in Russia, like they had like cloth napkins.

I had, you know, So I just was surprised that it wasn't about like that was that was better or worse than a bottle.

Now that makes.

Sense did you have health issues growing up?

You didn't know you were adopted, but.

Only I think the so they adopted me in nine months and I think for like the first couple of years or first year or so after, I think they were really trying to get me to be like, I was like bowlegged.

And we had like her friend the doctor.

I wonder if this is the same person who I'd met who worked at the hospital.

Maybe there was another doctor friend, you know, they would just they would be feeding me my mom's like, we fed you the worst stuff and you just ate it, you know, And now I'm like, now I get I can, it's like a different perspective on these stories.

I do remember like them feeding me food and I was like wanted people to leave the room and I was like eating it like this.

I was like, that makes sense.

If I came from somewhere that like maybe I didn't get food like that or if I, I don't know, I don't know, maybe there was a competition with other kids then it was like 9 months.

But I don't know.

Another thing, my mom, another thing my mom always says, and I think Alex pointed this out.

She's like, my mom would always be like Maria never cried.

And we're like please, like all babies cry.

Maybe I wasn't like crying a lot, but that's like 100% a lie.

That's impossible.

Maybe by the time they got me, maybe I really didn't cry anymore.

And that is so fucking sad.

But right now I'm viewing it as like somebody else.

It's still hard to be like that's that's me.

Have you been able to find genetic family?

The Impact of Unknown Medical History on Her Biological Child

Have you been able to identify who your your genetic parents are?

So right now it's a little bit of a, a mystery on the on the paternal side.

I don't remember like exactly like when I signed up to other DNA sites, but I basically signed up to all of them.

So on MyHeritage, something popped up and it was actually that Thanksgiving, this was like 2 weeks after I found out and that was actually a really hard time with my mother.

We had a very hard moment and that's when I was like, I'm not going to get any help from them and I need to do this on my own.

I ended up getting an alert that I got a match.

This was 20.3 or whatever 20% match with some with this guy.

It said he was from Germany but that was only because he was living in Saint Petersburg and Russia doesn't let you do this stuff.

And his girlfriend actually was like take a test.

I don't know what the why, what her motivation was, but I matched with him and it said that probable like a probable relation was a nephew.

And I was like well then that means I know I don't have any siblings but that means I might have a brother or sister which was like nuts.

So I messaged him and it happened to be when I was home and I didn't hear from him for like a couple months.

But that same Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving 2024, it was two weeks after I found out I was there with my wife, my kid.

I was like, OK, my parents are not being very helpful.

Was like just the basic questions I've been asking.

I'm like, I haven't heard from my dad yet.

I'm just going to get him along with just like really just gets his perspective.

My mom was sitting in the kitchen and I was like on my way to see him in his office.

And she basically like cornered me when she was sitting.

But it was just like, I want to talk to you or I want to, you know, she had things she needed to get off her chest.

And I can't again, I can't even remember all the things that she said, but she was just like, and it wasn't something that like really retained in my brain, but basically very like aggressive and angry.

We did this because we needed a baby.

The reason we didn't tell you.

So that's another reason originally.

I get it.

Russia again is a hard place.

Their word.

I was going to be taken away from them.

It was like communism at the time.

And so they just were like terrified of that.

And I'm sure that that carried over coming to this country.

A therapist was like when he turned 18, when he became an adult, like it was pretty safe.

But I I get in the beginning and she was like, nobody talks about this, you know, like, you know, and that's it.

This is a situation where I'm like hands clean, like I had nothing to do with this.

I don't know why this anger is showing up towards me.

Like I didn't, I literally didn't do anything.

I'm not creating any drama.

And I just wanted some basic info.

But yeah, she rattled off all this stuff.

And I was like, well, I'm gonna have more questions.

I was like, you know, biologically, like, like medical history, like this past year, I've gone to a lot of medical appointments just like a couple of things, like, I needed to get, you know, just routine stuff.

It would be like, OK, so it stays in your family.

And I'm like, shit, you actually have to raise all of that because I actually don't know anything.

And again, strangers like in a hospital or in what they're like, oh, like the reactions that people don't who don't even know me have have surpassed emotionally what my parents have given me.

Like no validation that that that this is just a big fucking deal.

This is a big deal.

I'm not placing blame.

It is a big deal and also the Jewish medical background implies a lot of things that you don't necessarily have to worry about that you would have assumed.

I took the test before getting pregnant, the Tay Sachs like test or whatever it was like, could you, you know, there's a lot, there's a lot of things and my mom's like medical, what do you know who who like not like, who cares, but like, what does this matter?

I'm like matters a lot, you know, because I have a biological child and that's like they're my motivation because like, yes, I'm 49 years old.

Knock on wood that I'm still going to be kicking it for a while, but I have a child that needs to know this.

And overnight I found out my daughter is my only biological connection that I know.

Like where I had this whole story, like my mother, my father, my grandmother, you know, like it was just complete whiplash, identity whiplash.

And it took me a week to tell my kid.

I remember walking home from the library and I was like, maybe everybody took that test.

It turns out I'm adopted and I had to get the message across that I don't know your like their paternal line.

We have a lot of information about because we chose this donor.

They give us medical, they give us a medical history for him.

Make sure they scan this dude, these dudes, right?

I mean, make sure they're like everything's OK, like mental health, physical health.

And we have, we're connected to all these donor siblings and like we've created this family for them for when we're gone.

You know, knock on wood, whenever that happens, they're going to have this community of this, this family if they choose to continue it.

But it's like on my side, I was like, boom, you're Jewish and you have Jewish and you're this and this all that's been erased for them too.

So this has been a mind twist for my own child because they're like, I don't have any grandparents that are biologically related to me.

I'm like, I don't, I don't know.

How did Avi take it?

They're like about to turn 9, so they were still 8, but I feel like they're an emotionally intelligent kid.

I think they were just like really surprised.

They weren't like crying or you know, anything like that.

I.

Feel like kids usually take it in stride if it's presented to them, you know?

Yeah, and I didn't have a biological child.

I probably still would want be curious, but I'm I'm more like set in my I don't know, like like with my mom being like, what's the big deal?

Basically, it's a big deal for my child.

I want them to know there's their biological story and I'm always like, man, with all your like their parents, which again, not as unusual now donor siblings.

And now your mom found out this hot mess of a, you know, life thing.

And when she was like 48, I'm like, you're gonna be great at parties.

You know what I mean?

You're gonna have a great, like, you're gonna be all set for the social scenes.

Like, you're gonna be so interesting.

I wanna hear about the nephew slash connection follows up with you two months later.

Unraveling the Paternal Mystery and Searching for Birth Family

What?

What happened was you.

Find out I had messaged him in November when I was at my parents house.

And then a couple months later, like sent him like maybe a few weeks later after that I had heard from him.

I was like, hi, I didn't want to sound like a weird creep like hey, I might be your aunt, you know, but it's like it's just so brand new.

And then he finally messaged me like couple months later, maybe in like January and he's like, sorry I haven't responded for whatever reason.

And he was like, wow, you know, this is kind of crazy.

So like we were messaging back and forth a lot within like 24 hours.

And his girlfriend was like, she was the one who got him to like do the, the test and stuff like that.

So he shared some photos.

I shared some photos with myself.

We were just trying to figure this out and we're trying to figure out what the connection was.

Like, his mom is 10 years younger than me, so that's impossible.

His grandfather on his dad's side would have been like, in his 50s when I was born, which is not on, you know, people.

He was married.

Like, obviously people cheated all the time.

It just seemed a little less likely.

His father, who had passed away in 2019.

He was 22 when I was born and he wasn't married.

He wasn't like, with anyone at least.

Like, seriously, I'm 49.

This guy just turned 32.

So this is like before this guy, you know, this, this his name's Andrew.

Because with the maternal person, I'm like, what was the situation?

Because this happens all the time.

People, if they're really young, like, you know, like late teens or whatever, and they have this baby and they're like forced to give it up or, or I don't know, there's so many different things.

But for some reason in my mind, I was like, maybe this is like a young woman who just like couldn't, couldn't have this kid.

And it was like an oopsie Daisy.

I'm like this kid me, but I'm still like detached from it.

And and the fact that, and again, this me and Andrew are just like the theory, but like, like if he was just like a single guy at 22, very likely, it's a very likely story that maybe he just like knocked somebody up or like, you know, hooked up and he probably didn't even know.

And I've been listening to your stories.

I feel for these guys who, you know, like have, you know, find out like, Oh my God, I have a kid and I didn't even know.

And if they're, it might also be like, oh, that's fine.

But if they, if they're really like, like, Oh my God, I missed out and like this, this child that it could have been I, you know, biologically, that's just pros and cons, right?

The big con for the woman, obviously, is that you're left with a decision.

So, yeah, Andrew was like, because his dad had adopted actually like a teen, like later in his years, he he kind of was like if he knew about you, if if our theory, if our feeling is right that he wouldn't have given up on you.

But our theory is that he probably didn't even know and he died not knowing if.

And again, we both are just feeling it in our bones with not like a concrete thing, but just the way things are adding up.

We do want to try to test his, like his aunts on the either side, but it's tricky because they live in Russia, But yeah.

And so he had sent me some.

I was like, do you have photos of your dad, like when he was like younger, like, you know, like in the 40s or something like that?

First, he sent a picture of his mom and his dad.

And I was like, his mom had like darker hair and his dad was like Gray.

And he was like doing like muscle thing, you know, And I was like, I don't know if either of these look like me and, and my wife was like thinking that dad might.

So I was like, send me a younger photo and I I sent it to Alex.

And then like other people who know me really well for like years and like some exes, you know, who just like know my face.

And she was like, Oh my God, which could be a brother too, you know?

I mean, you could have similarities.

Yeah, I mean, how are you?

How are you dealing with the unknown?

It's it's again, it's like a lot has happened in less than a year.

So like part of you is like, now you know, this info is like a little bit of like an urgency, but it's also been 48 years of not knowing.

So like, what's the urgency?

But I guess the urgency is that, I mean, his father already passed away.

So then the maternal side, it's like, I can't quite wrap my, I say like the maternal connection, the paternal because I can't quite say like mother and father because I have a mother and father.

It's just, it's still, my brain is still like trying to catch catch up.

I'm still that kid in the third person.

And I think that's where I need to go to the trauma therapy and like, dig into it just to like, accept it.

I think it's not that I'm necessarily remember something.

But yeah, I know there's something called DNA angels and I have reached out to Ancestry to see if they would do that.

And they basically were like Russia with the war.

Like it's impossible.

We can't, we can't help you.

I have a friend who has a friend who's like, I think she's in her 80s and she did her, she knew she was adopted, but she did all her like paperwork research in the like in the 80s.

And so she's been awesome, very helpful.

I might reach out to her again, but like, I think I just get overwhelmed because she's done this and she's like, boom, boom, boom, you know, like, let's act exactly this soon.

Your theory about your mom being young may may not be true, but she might not be alive anymore.

I'm like, Oh my God, like what?

So it's, it's no reflection of her.

She's been like, it's been amazing to have this helpful like a stranger.

And I've just needed to take a break from it.

Just like your podcasts are amazing, but it's also so much trauma, you know, that also I'm relating to.

So sometimes I'm like, oh, I need a maybe I need to listen to some, yeah, maybe some comedy podcasts.

But she did find, like, somebody, there are some options.

Or that my birth certificate, which I never knew, was labeled 1980, which was when I was four years old.

There is a stamp on there with like the organization.

I don't know if it's the orphanage or what.

So I need to dig into that.

It's just got it's a hard country to to dig into this this DNA Angel who's like a volunteer to me.

Friend of a friend did find like some some guy who I guess he like does find people in Russia and stuff like that and cost some money.

Like it's probably like a little under a grand, which is worth it if you find it.

That's one of those like maybe.

What is next for you as you navigate this?

You're coming up on a year.

Yeah, I What do you hope to do?

It's complicated with the maternal person because it's like she obviously if she's alive, first of all, if, and I think if she isn't alive, I mean, it would be like, oh, that's sad.

But like I want to like see her some photos of her.

That's something where I would want to start if she is alive, depending what the story was.

I don't want to dig up some trauma that she's like doesn't want to deal with, right?

That's not fair to her.

Or maybe she was in a situation where she didn't want to give this kid up.

It was a traumatic situation where she just had to, she wasn't able to take care of it.

And maybe she is thinking about me all the time because that's another thing people tell me like anyone I know in that situation thinks about that kid all the time.

And I'm like, Oh my God, don't tell me that.

So there's been there's this, there's been this woman in the world who who carried me in her body and birthed me and left me at a hospital.

And not saying this with any judgement, but just like facts that I didn't know existed until less than a year ago.

There was like this other woman, yeah, maybe is like still wondering if I'm alive.

It's so it's almost like that's heavy.

It's heavier.

It's a little more, especially as a mother.

I'm like, I can't imagine doing that and what kind of situation you'd have to be unless you're like forced to do, you know.

So it's like so many what ifs.

I think next step is try to maybe find that I just got to like get the money to do it.

Maybe if I do hire this lawyer, whoever it is, I think I need to talk to people who have gone through this.

So if there's, I don't know if you connect your people who you interview on, on these podcasts, I'd be open to people reaching out to me.

Guidance for Parents and New DNA Surprise Discoverers

Sure, Yeah, if people want to reach out through my contact form, if you want to talk to Maria, I can.

100% I've talked to a lot of my friends and they've actually had deeply emotional reactions to it where they're like, oh, they're just like sit back like crying, like will hug me and be like, and some people have and my wife too have tapped into anger for my parents, which I haven't quite tapped into, which my therapist was like, you know, like they're lying to you.

And I'm like, I just can't.

I'm still protective of them a little bit.

I wish my grandmother was alive for this so I can talk to her about it because she was like part of it, but she wasn't part of the decision making.

I don't talk about it a lot, but but I'm just as my, you're my first person who I'm talking to that actually can relate, you know, and especially the the people.

Meanwhile, when they're like, it's still your family, it's still your mother.

I'm like, I'm not arguing.

I'm not racing my whole life.

Somebody else did, though.

Somebody else omitted something.

Complicated.

I'm not like I again, my literal first words out of my mouth was like, you probably saved my life and I still believe that and you probably should have shared that with me.

Yes, two things can be true.

At once, exactly 2 things can be.

Yeah, all right.

What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child?

I would, and I know it's complicated, but I would definitely tell your child when I, I can only speak from my perspective, but at least when they become an adult, it may never seem like the right time.

Now it's like my parents are older.

They're the last stage of their life.

I'm we're all tired.

But like, if there's going to be a rift and there is a like a rift now that has separated us even more, at least there'll be more time.

Nobody knows how much time we have, but like, at least there would be more time for repair.

Because right now, how unsupportive they are with just information, I feel like they're already gone.

In that respect.

I'm doing this alone.

So like, who knows, maybe I would have rebelled like crazy if I was 18 and I found out.

I would have like gone crazy, but there would have been, you know, 18.

Your brains aren't even developed yet.

Tell the truth, tell the story.

And I can support that statement because I'm literally doing that with my child.

They have an unusual they're doing it.

When it's part of your truth from the beginning, it seems like it's just normal, easier generally.

I just wish that was part of the story, part of the jokes we can make.

Like if I did something bad or something weird, but they'd be like, oh, that's not from us.

That's you know what I mean?

Like that's kind of like our humor anyway.

We have dark humor.

We could have.

We could have had so many good dark jokes.

They missed out, man.

So many jokes you missed out on.

Yeah, they could have.

Blamed and they probably do that I'm gay and and these other people that made me like, you know what I mean?

But that could have been so funny.

They missed out man and now it's just trauma.

What advice?

What advice do you have for someone who's just uncovered Adna surprise?

Yeah, that's hard because I, even though I, I hear these questions all the time at the end of your podcasts, I do feel like I'm still so fresh in it.

Kind of.

I know some people like slow down, take your time.

I think it's so just listen to your body.

It's such a such a therapist thing to say.

I guess it's so individual.

It depends on the situation.

Sometimes there should be urgency.

Sometimes you can you should blow up the whole family, not literally please, but just like, you know, depending what the if there was trauma leading up to this news, it really depends on the situation.

Like I had a good, good, stable childhood from age, you know, like a certain age now I realized and up but.

Yeah, it's, it's individual and listening to yourself is really the best thing you can do and.

And yeah, I'm new to this, but I I know this is going to be like a lifelong journey.

Like now I'm not the same person and people like you're the same.

I gave them gave all these people a Russian accent but but I'm not like I'm literally in an identity crisis but it doesn't show up like a day-to-day.

And I'm alone in it too, even though I have a great support system and people love me but people don't get it.

So I really feel lonely in it too.

Host's Closing Remarks and Podcast Credits

Well, get some support, get some, get some support and and and people who can relate.

Yeah, because truly you aren't alone.

Thank you so much for joining me and sharing your story.

You have been through so much over the last year and I know you're still unpacking it and I just wish you the best as you continue to navigate your identity and learning more about your roots and and where you come from.

Thank you.

I really appreciate this forum and this platform.

Thank you so much.

Thanks again to Maria for sharing her story.

If you have Adna surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprises.com and for early ad free access to episodes, join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises.

Until next time.

DNA Surprises is hosted, produced and edited by me, Alexis ourselves.

It is mixed and mastered by Josh Oursalt of Siren Recording Studios.