Christina’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

My mom was never honest with me.

I always knew I was different growing up but I didn't know my dad was not my dad.

I never knew that.

I was always told I look like his sister.

I knew I'd never look like her.

I had brown hair, curly hair, I have freckles, I have a lot of emotional anxiety and I have pseudo seizures.

That all runs on my bio dad's side of the family.

And she would have been honest then.

I could have got help when I was younger.

And now I've went 20 years without having those pseudo seizures and now I'm back to having a my younger brother.

He always knew that he had a different dad.

And he's last time he seen his dad, he was four.

When he was 17, my mom helped him find his dad.

I went with him to go see his dad.

I was 18, he was 17, and my mom still never said anything to me about my stuff or when I was pregnant with my second daughter.

She never told me when my Colton started doing 23.

I mean, she never said a word.

Never.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an N P/E, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

After Adna surprise is uncovered, many moments from the past come into focus, especially moments that in hindsight or missed opportunities for parents to tell the truth.

How she uncovered her DNA surprise

In this week's episode, Christina shares how she uncovered her DNA surprise and how she's feeling about seven months into her discovery.

She discusses how she's struggling with feelings of anger at her mother, especially when she reflects on times when her mom could have disclosed the truth about who her biological father was.

Before we begin this episode, I want to note that there is a brief discussion about child sexual abuse that may be upsetting to listeners.

If you want to avoid this content, I've included timestamps in the show notes.

Thank you for sharing your story, Christina.

Speaker 1

I'm Christina.

I'm from Texas and I'm 45 and I was 44 when I found out.

It's only been six months, my son, he is now 17 and 2022 he would finally talked us into letting him do adna test 'cause he loves, he loves genealogy.

So we let him do it.

And then next year we let him do the health thing for Christmas.

Both of them were for Christmas presents and he had like 1500 relatives on there.

And for three years we did not know that you can actually research people on there.

It just comes through and says this is your closest matches, you know.

And then for two years we researched that, 'cause we were going from the top of the list, 1 by 1 all the way down.

And then this past February, February 24th, 2024, we were at my dad's house, my birth certificate dad, my dad who raised me, my my daddy and my cousin overheard a conversation with some somebody in my son.

And she said, why did 23andMe?

Because I didn't think I was part of the family.

So she showed us how to research people.

It still never even clicked that she had family members on there from my dad's side of the family, and we didn't see that on my son's 23andMe at all.

So they decided that they were gonna connect.

We left there, we come home and within an hour or two we got an e-mail saying that they weren't really blood related.

So you actually got an e-mail notification.

Through my son's 23andMe.

He was 16 at the time.

I'm so sorry.

My cousin in him didn't connect through blood which my cousin is on my dad's side of the family.

What was your reaction when you saw that?

Did you did you see it together or did your son see it first?

I seen it first.

He actually was.

My kids were all at my dad's house, their grandpa's house, staying the night.

So he stayed the night with them and me and my husband.

When I got home, I got the e-mail so I called my dad and by that time he was already in bed, but he answered the phone and as soon as he answered the phone I was like hey, Jennifer and Colton aren't related.

What's the deal?

Did my aunt and uncle cheat on each other?

You know, and it's still never even registered to me that night when I called my dad that my cousin had an aunt and two cousins, 3 cousins on her 23andMe that I should have had two.

I called my dad and he told me, Christina, don't open up this can of worms.

We'll talk tomorrow.

I'm already in bed.

So I was like, well, what kind of can of worms am I opening up?

So I called my mom because my cousin did it because she originally thought she was not part of the family.

And I asked my mom is like, hey Jennifer stuff doesn't connect with Colton.

I said how do I call Jennifer and tell her that she's not part of the family Even though I've seen on her 23andMe it was still was not connecting my brain that Colton didn't have any of those connections that she had to my dad.

And my mom told me you're not going to call her Christina because it's you, it's not your cousin.

She probably told me that like 5-6 times and we were on speakerphone and my husband kept telling me it's just a joke.

You know, your mom's just joking with you.

She's just joking with you.

The next morning, my oldest daughter brings Colton home.

And as soon as he walked in the door, he said we're not bled with Jennifer.

He already got the e-mail.

He already knew.

So he was asking questions.

It was hard because then I had to go out there and tell my oldest daughter before she left, because all I did when I got up that morning was just stare out the window in the living room.

Just stared and stared and stared.

What were you thinking at that point?

I mean, you, your mom has told you it's you.

It's not your cousin.

Your dad said don't open this can of worms.

And then your son comes home and he says we're not related.

Like what's going through your mind at that point?

I think nothing was going through my mind because it was like a bomb, a whole bomb that went off in my in my house.

And it affected my whole family, not just me, but my husband, all six of my kids.

Then it affected my dad and it affected my mom.

And then it affected whoever my bio dad was at that time because I really didn't.

I didn't know.

Well my mom told me not to call my cousin because it was me.

She did give me and my husband a name and I quickly just typed it in and sent it to my husband in a text.

So I did nothing that night at all.

And the next day when I told my oldest daughter and then Colton, they started researching.

Your mom, she gives you this name.

At that time, did she tell you anything else or did she just say it's you and here's the name of the man who is your biological father?

Well, she told me that she thought my dad could be my dad.

It could be either or, you know, she wasn't really sure, but I think she knew.

I think she knew the whole time because she as soon as she told me not to contact my cousin, she instantly threw out that name.

She knew.

She knew my whole life.

Did she seem remorseful or like what was her attitude towards you when she told you?

At first I thought she was joking.

Actually the first night I I just, she was just joking.

She was just joking with me.

But then the next day it got real.

It got real real.

So my kids started researching them.

And then I talked to my mom the next day and she said look and see if there's any of this last name on his 23andMe.

And I looked and there they were.

There was some on there, not him.

It was like a uncle or something.

But it was still the last name.

It was crazy.

It was so crazy.

It's still crazy to this day.

That was March 24th, 2424.

On the next day was mine and my husband's anniversary, 14th wedding anniversary.

We had these big plans that we were going to go do any everything and just hang out.

And I couldn't even get off the couch.

I couldn't quit staring out the window.

I was so confused and devastated.

And I still AM.

And then my kids start researching and then one of my daughter's found something out and she called my husband and she's like, I can't tell mom this.

You have to tell her this.

I have a sister that lived 15 minutes from me for 10 years, and she was one of the ones that was on the stage when my son graduated.

She picked up his diploma, handed it to the principal, said his name, and they called him across the stage.

That hurt.

I couldn't go to the store, I couldn't leave my house 'cause I was so afraid I was gonna run into her 'cause I already knew what she looked like.

But my girls made my husband tell me, 'cause they just couldn't.

So your.

Kids do the research.

They find your sister.

Should they find your biological father?

Yeah, they did.

That whole first week, I was in a blur.

I couldn't work.

I didn't eat.

I didn't drink anything.

My son Colton was making sure come in there and say, mom, you got to eat, you got to drink some get up, you got to move around.

He has been my number one supporter outside of my husband for this and I got a lot of support team, you know, do.

You end up talking to your dad, the dad who raised you and had told you not to open that can of worms.

I called him the next day and he told me from the very beginning of the phone call, he said I was going to take this to my grave.

Even though you're my daughter and I love you, I never wanted you to find this out.

He knew.

He knew from the time my mom said this is your daughter 'cause they hadn't been together and 1518 months and you can't be pregnant that long.

So he knew and I'm so grateful for him.

I've always kept him on a high pedestal because my younger brother is not his either.

The Importance of Family and Relationships

But my younger brother grew up knowing that I never got that chance.

I was never told.

Did your parents stay married?

Are they together?

Not anymore.

They divorced probably about 18 years ago.

So I always thought my parents got divorced after I was born.

I have an older brother and then me and then my younger brother, so I will always assume they got divorced after I was born.

But actually they got divorced three years before I was born, and my mom just kept my dad's last name.

And then she got pregnant with me and then she married somebody else and that's when my younger brother was born and he had a different last name.

And that was her reasoning why I never knew because I had the same name as my mom, my dad and my older brother.

My younger brother had a different last name.

So that's why I was never told but my younger brother was.

But you said that your mom told your dad that you were his, and he knew that it wasn't really possible, but he went with it.

So it's not like it was a surprise to anyone except for you.

It wasn't one of those things where they were like, oh, we thought you knew because we'd been divorced or anything like that.

Like you were really raised under the idea that that was your biological father.

Yeah, my parents didn't get divorced till I was pregnant with Colton.

I was in my late 20s when they got divorced.

Did they get divorced and then get remarried and then get divorced again?

Yes.

OK, that makes sense.

And you and your younger brother, do you have the same father or different father?

OK.

Different father.

OK, so so you talked to your dad and he said I knew and I loved you anyway and you're my daughter and all the things that are really nice to hear, right?

The moment she found out

What happens Right?

What happens next?

Even though my dad knew that I wasn't his, he was still being respectful of me and told me that if he would have known who my biological father was, he would have told me when I was growing up.

So he was respectful and he still did adna test with me because I just needed it in black and writing.

So of course, the day it comes back, I'm going to my dad's house and my grandmother's there.

She's 89, fixing to turn 90.

And as soon as I walk in the door, I have to act like everything's OK because can't say anything to her, she's too old.

I don't want to upset her.

And I walk in the kitchen and I just first out in tears and fall on the floor and my dad picks me up and hugs me.

He said, Christina, we already knew this.

I already told you, he said, but it doesn't change anything.

But in reality, it changes everything, changes everything.

So that was within that time, I guess like just a couple of days after me finding out, we ordered the test.

Finding out about the DNA

We did it.

I found out on February 24th, on March 4th, my girls already had a phone number, address.

I knew I had two sisters, I knew I had a brother and they're all younger than me.

So I call my bio dad and I wrote down what I was going to say when he answered the phone.

I just couldn't get my words out.

I couldn't.

He hung up on me and I prepared myself for that.

I did.

If you got some crazy woman calling you and she can't even talk hardly on the phone, I would hung up too when I just sent him a text message and I said here's the evidence from my son's 23andMe, we've already connected you with your uncle on Facebook.

We already know all this information and I just sent all of it to him.

Then he started texting back and by the next day we were talking text message.

Everything was text message.

And he did DNA test too on 23andMe and it came back.

He was my bio dad.

What was his response once he was kind of confronted with all the evidence?

He knew my mom was pregnant with me.

They lived together for at least six months, maybe longer.

I don't even know.

My mom says they were only together for a month, he says for six months.

So I have no idea.

And they lived together and work together.

My mom did call him after I was born.

She told him that I was born and she told him I was a girl.

He did not know my name.

And his response was so I got two different stories here.

A mother says he didn't want anything to do with me and to never call him again.

His response was he just got married and his brother-in-law was actually murdered by his ex-wife who asked him to come over there and see the kids or fix her car or something.

And when he and his friend pulled up, somebody come up and shot both of them.

The friend is paralyzed and the brother-in-law died so he chose not to come see me.

I don't know what to believe because I wasn't there, but he always told his family about me or his two wives and his kids.

So was his reasoning that he was like, scared to come see you, or was it that, OK, OK, he was scared that something like that might happen to him?

Yep, OK.

And didn't want that to happen twice in the family within, I don't know, months, year, I don't know how long when the brother-in-law got killed compared to when I was born, you know, OK, so he chose not to come see me.

And I get that.

And I understand that, you know, but my mom says something different.

And why am I going to believe her when she's lied to me all these years?

So at that point then once he gets the evidence and then he he's talking to you, he sounds like he is more open to you and and talking to you.

How does your relationship progress?

We text probably every single day now for the last six months.

He texts with my son Colton.

He texts with my husband.

He puts us in Group chats with my siblings and my husband and my siblings and then or aunts and uncles or grandpa.

So it's a good, good relationship and I really enjoy him because he likes to tell jokes and that's how we have connected majorly on a big spot.

And his wife is a whole total different story.

So I know I have a sister and I've met her.

Her name is Lindsay.

She the one that lived closest to me 15 minutes away.

She has now got a new job somewhere else and now she's 4 hours away.

So that was real tough knowing that just months after I finally found this or the when I find this out, within two months she had to tell me that she applied for a job and was moving away 'cause she got the job.

Which I'm grateful she got the job.

It's gonna be great for her and her husband and her kids.

We keep in contact and then have a sister just turned 30, and my oldest daughter's 27.

So they connect and I know they've been talking and I have a brother, but he's a little standoffish.

We're in Group chats together.

You know, I've text him a couple of times and he would never respond.

And then the last time I text him, I told him thank you for the alligator meat that he sent with Jay for me, you know, and.

He's like, you're, you're welcome.

So I finally got a response and I got all excited.

My husband's like, what's going on?

Like I'm excited.

My brother answered me.

You know, if you don't go through this, you don't know.

Yeah.

What it's like.

You mentioned that his wife is a different story.

So I've met my bio dad twice.

His wife has known about me before they got married.

She knew about me why they were married.

She tells me that she just likes to take it slow and easy and like if I post something on Facebook I've seen I got to meet my bio dad you know she doesn't like it.

So she called me one day and she told me that she felt like her husband was having an affair on her with me.

And to me, that is just so disgusting.

It's so heartbreaking to even tell somebody that it wasn't like he went and had an affair on her and I came along.

I was probably already at least 11-12 years old before they even got together.

Well, when you're his child, you're not a mistress or you know somebody that he's having an impairment, yeah.

So I've, I've had a hard time with that, but I try not to have a hard time because I'm trying to understand her feelings too.

But she's we're all just different.

We just all handle things different in a different way.

This happened so recently for you, I mean about six months.

How has this affected you?

I've.

Lost weight.

I have dogs that I have always played with and done things with and cuddled with and I don't want them around me.

I love to do yard work.

I love to plant flowers, I love to garden.

I haven't done any of that.

I love to be outside and I'm a nature person big time.

I want to go walk the trails and go swimming and be a mermaid and be at the Creek.

And I've been swimming 2 times this year.

I've mowed my yard twice this year.

Thank God for my oldest son, Sheldon.

He has taken care of my yard because I want my yard mowed every week.

I want it to be clean and we need it and just the yard of the week, the yard of the month.

And we don't even have that in our neighborhood.

But I've always been like that 'cause that's just me.

It's my nature.

So that has bothered me a lot that I can't do that.

I don't drink coffee, but my husband does.

So I always make the coffee pop the night before for him.

So all he's gotta do is just go in there and push the button, wait, let's the dogs out.

I haven't been able to do that.

I'm not working as much as I used to.

In the beginning, I wasn't.

Now I'm gradually getting better at going to work.

I'm gradually getting better at playing with my dogs and being outside with them and being there for my kids 'cause this effects all of them.

Now they know that mom has a different bio dad and then they got their grandpa over here who has unconditionally loved them no matter what throughout their whole lives and he's even told me when they were born I never even thought, never even came through my mind that they weren't my biological children.

Christina and never came through my mind.

My mom is a different story.

I'm so angry with her because she took me.

She says she was trying to keep me safe from my bio dad 'cause she can't give me a reason why 'cause she takes me into my raised dad, my daddy's family, and there's child molesters in there and I get molested.

So that makes me even more mad at my mom because I don't understand what she was protecting me from.

From my bio dad but never going to this family.

I was molested by an uncle for two years and then I guess you'd call him my grandpa, step grandpa one time and she caught him.

She walked in on him and she moved out.

I was like, well, why didn't she do anything more?

She's like, well, I didn't have evidence.

And this is your dad's family?

Wow.

So you have a lot of anger because your mom kept you from someone under this idea that she was protecting you.

But I was getting hurt at the same time.

When I was 17, had my oldest daughter, Caitlin, my mom more or less took over raising her.

When I tried to move out with her, she wouldn't allow me to go anywhere with her.

I just had to go to the house and see Kaitlyn.

So I swept all that underneath the rug just so I could be there for my daughter, 'cause if I would have said this or started argument with her or I'm gonna take her, I feel like I would have never got to see my daughter.

And I needed my daughter to know that I was there for her.

There's been so many times my mom could have told me throughout my life, and she never did.

She says that she really believed that I was my dad's.

But I don't know.

I just, I don't understand how she could even think that or feel that because my second daughter, there was two possibilities to be her father and her whole life.

I've always wondered.

It's always been in the front of my head and she never said anything when I was pregnant with my second daughter.

She could have told me then.

Yeah, 'cause you understand.

When my daughter was 13 or 14, I sat her down and I told her.

I told her the truth.

There's two possibilities.

And she was upset and concerned.

You know, we talked, but she was OK with it for the most part because she doesn't have either one of them in her life because they're not good people.

When my husband came along, that was her dad no matter what.

Now this has come up, I've had three more kids do ancestry.

My daughter Kayla, my second daughter, Her only thing was that she just wanted to be bio blood with her younger brother.

She wanted to be a full sibling.

We got him a test.

It came back that they were full blood siblings and that made my heart smile so much for her, even though he's not a great person.

But it was just important for her to have that and I told her.

I told her I was honest with her.

I always knew I was different growing up, but I didn't know my dad was not my dad.

I knew I never looked like her.

I had brown hair, curly hair.

I have freckles, I have a lot of emotional and anxiety and I have pseudo seizures that all runs on my bio dad's side of the family.

And she would have been honest then I could have got help when I was younger and now I've went 20 years without having those pseudo seizures and now I'm back to having a my younger brother.

He always knew that he had a different dad and he's last time he seen his dad, he was four.

I was 18, he was 17.

And my mom still never said anything to me about my stuff or when I was pregnant with my second daughter.

Do you have any kind of relationship with her right now or are you not speaking to her?

My mom and I were really close.

I'm so angry with her.

I'm so angry with her, and I don't know how to stop the angryness at all.

I forgive her and I accept that I have a new family out there, but I don't forgive her for lying to me.

I don't and I'm just pissed off and I don't know how to make it go away 'cause I don't want something to happen to her and then I have that guilt when she passes away.

She was honest with me and answered my questions, you know?

But when she calls me, it's a trigger.

When she texts messages me, it's a trigger.

When she sends me a Facebook message, it's a trigger.

There's days that I won't answer or call her back.

I just want to say that it has not been very long for you at all and however you're feeling is OK.

You know, it's normal to be angry.

It's OK to be angry.

You're going through it.

You mentioned that you are in counseling.

Finding Counseling

Did you start going to counseling as a result of your discovery or is that something you were doing before?

Because of my discovery.

Are you finding that that's helpful for you?

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

And it took me a couple of months to find the counselor.

There's a church here where I live at, and I started with just the pastor, but my father in And the one thing about her, I wanted somebody that's going to be able to understand what I'm going through because I can talk to my husband and my kids all day long, but they don't understand.

They don't.

My husband tells me all the time, Christina, at least nobody died.

Nobody died.

I get that.

But from the time you're born, you're taught that one day you're going to die.

So everybody's taught that growing up, but nobody's taught, hey, what if you find out that you're dad, who raised you, isn't your dad?

Nobody's taught teaches you that.

And that is so confusing.

I'm glad I have the support groups.

I'm glad I have the podcast.

I'm glad that I go to therapy.

If I didn't have therapy, I don't know what I would do.

I'm curious, you know, you're, you're really in the thick of it that that immediate sort of after the discovery, you know, that first year and feeling the anger and the sadness and depression and anxiety.

What do you hope for from your relationship with your mom and your bio dad?

Where do you hope that you will be emotionally five years from now?

I'm hope and emotionally in one year I can get up and realize, hey, this ain't a dream no more.

In five years, I hope I'm back to normal.

I want to go be in the river and swim and play with my dogs and be there for my kids emotionally, emotionally.

I can't do that right now.

So I'm hoping to do that in the next six months.

But I think I'm giving myself you gotta.

I'm just trying to rush.

Yeah, you gotta let yourself go through it and you'll, you'll get there.

What do you hope for from your relationship with your mom especially and your bio dad?

My bio dad I hope we can keep continuing being friends and joking around and I've already met him twice and a sister twice and one sister one and haven't met my brother yet.

I'm, I'm hoping to meet him and keep doing what we're doing, talking every day and getting to know each other more.

He finally told his dad about me, so I'm supposed to go.

Me and my son Colton are supposed to go this weekend with him, our first road trip together, to go meet my grandfather.

I haven't had a grandpa in 24 years 'cause my last grandpa died.

I had a grandmother and she just died last year, so I'd never got those connections with them.

And it's devastating.

It's devastating going to bed every night and then you wake up and it's like this bomb that just keeps going off and off and off and off and off.

It just never stops with my mom.

I deleted Facebook from my phone.

I deleted Messenger from my phone.

My husband had me put it back on my phone because I have clients that reach out to me.

I was in a some group chats with my mom and my kids or my aunt.

I got out of all of them.

I just can't.

And my mom texts me take a while to answer her back 'cause it it just, it's just a trigger.

I don't, I don't know how to explain it, but it's just a trigger.

I'm hoping that my mom and I can get back to where we were, but it will probably never be where we were at all.

Do you hope that you'll be able to move forward with her?

Is that something you want to do?

I hope so.

That is something I want to do.

I got to learn to get past this anger I have towards her.

But how do I do that in six months when she hid a secret for me for 44 years?

And then when I call her out on it or call her to talk to her about my cousin, she jokingly tells me, oh, don't worry about it.

You ain't calling her because it's you.

So I do not talk to her much.

This past Wednesday was my birthday, my 45th birthday, and my mom called.

I did not want to answer it.

I didn't, but I did 'cause I knew it was a birthday call.

It went from a birthday call to an emotional, very emotional call.

There was also six months since the day I called my bio dad too.

All these first they need to hurry up and get done and over with so I can get past the first year.

My cousin Jennifer has been awesome.

My son Colton and my dad and my bio dad and my siblings, Well, my two sisters.

One day, hopefully I'll meet my brother in his time and that's what matters.

One day at a time.

Yeah, not rushing nobody 'cause I don't want to be rushed either.

Totally, totally.

What advice do you have for a parent who's keeping adna surprise from their child?

Advice for parents who are keeping a DNA surprise from their children

Tell them, tell them, tell them, tell them, tell them, tell them.

They have to know.

My brother knew before he was four years old.

So tell them at 4, tell them when they're 16, tell them when they're 18.

If you're you got one kid and they're going to help their brother to find their biological father and you still have that secret, tell them, tell them, tell them.

Especially nowadays because I never ever thought about taking ADNA test.

My son Colton begged us for two years to let him to take one.

Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope.

I would not do it.

And I think self consciously I probably always knew, but I never knew 'cause I never asked questions.

Yeah, 'cause I'm different.

Well, and that's a really good point is that it's not necessarily even down to the NPE to take it it if their child takes it grandchild, you know, down the road these things will come up.

What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise?

Advice for someone who just uncovered adna

Breathe, Take lots of breaths.

Walk in the Nature Journal.

Therapy, just lots of therapy.

Talk to your family.

Make sure you have a great support system.

I know some of my kids, they want to support me so bad, but the roller coaster ride is so upsetting for them and they support me, but from a distant and I, I get that and I I respect that for them.

You just gotta breathe.

Take it one day at a time.

Christina, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

You have been so brave and vulnerable and just sharing how much this has affected you.

And I said it before and I'll say it again, I promise you it will get better.

And I hope that you just continue to move through it and that you get back to yourself, and I know you will.

I will, which is good, one day at a time.

That's right.

Thank you for having me and thank you for having this podcast 'cause this, it helps.

It helps a lot.

Thank you.

I listen to you every day while I'm at work, especially when I have to clean a mirror.

Oh my gosh.

'Cause I cannot look at myself in a mirror, so I turn you on and I look.

Has I had to had to teach myself how to look past myself in the mirror so I cannot see myself so I can still work?

Thank you for sharing that.

That's why I appreciate you a lot.

Thanks again to Christina for sharing her story.

If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story to dnasurprises.com.

If you'd like to support the show, please join me over on Patreon where you can get early access to AD free episodes.

Until next time.

This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.