Krissy’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

Welcome to season 10 of DNA Surprises.

This season is jam packed with incredible stories that explore the emotional journeys of DNA discoveries.

If you've had Adna Surprise, you'll hear stories that you may relate to and gain inspiration from.

If you haven't had Adna Surprise, this season will continue to give you insight into the complexities of identity, family, and the human experience.

Before we jump in, I have a few quick announcements and reminders.

First, if you've been thinking about sharing your DNA surprise on the podcast, please submit your story.

This podcast is made possible by brave folks who want to heal out loud and help others.

Submit your story at dnasurprises.com/contact.

Second, did you know that the third Thursday of every month I host a free virtual meet up for the DNA Surprise community?

What started almost two years ago has turned into an awesome little community, and I'd love for you to be a part of it.

Sign up at dnasurprises.com/events.

OK, one more announcement before we jump into this episode.

As you may or may not know, DNA Surprises is listener supported and 100% independent.

If you enjoy the podcast or if it has helped you navigate your own DNA Surprise, please consider joining me over on Patreon.

You'll get early access to AD free episodes, bonus content, and more for as little as $5 per month.

You can learn more and join the DNA Surprises Patreon community at patreon.com/DNA Surprises.

Thank you for listening, and thank you for your support.

All right, let's get started with DNA Surprises Season 10.

Speaker 2

A person needs that information, whether they're going out and getting it themselves or somebody sending it to them, they need that for themselves to be whole inside.

The Importance of Information

I think it leaves a very big empty spot when you don't have that.

And I think that that's why a lot of us in peas as children felt that there was something missing.

Maybe not that there was something wrong, but there was just a piece of them or something was was just a little off about their life.

And I think it's that connection.

Speaker 1

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host Alexis, our salt.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

To tell or not to tell, That is the question.

In this week's episode, Chrissy shares her long journey to uncovering her DNA surprise, when she learned that the man she believed was her biological father is not.

Her surprise didn't start with Adna Test, but with rumors that she confronted her mother about, which were quickly denied.

Years later, Chrissy found herself staring at a photo of herself and her two brothers, and that nagging feeling returned, so she took Adna Test.

Chrissy shares how the revelation affected her and her relationships, and how she eventually found her biological father, along with a couple of additional DNA surprises.

She also shares why she's made the decision not to openly discuss the discovery with her parents.

Thank you for sharing your story, Chrissy.

My name is Chrissy and I am 41 years old and I am from the Midwest.

It was a very long drawn out process but I did find out, I believe it was in 20, 14 that my father was not my father and I actually met him over the phone when I was 39, which would have been 2022.

There's some time that went by before I was comfortable, but the very first mention of the possibility of a paternal surprise was when I was 18 and and was quickly disregarded by my mother.

I had been spending some time with guy that I, I met through a friend, and it turned out that this guy was actually a cousin on my dad's side.

My dad's mom actually had 11 or 12 other siblings.

So there's quite a few people in our town that I'm related to on my dad's side that I might not know if they had a different last name.

A lot of them had, you know, the same last name that I was used to.

So I kind of grouped them together, but this was kind of a one off.

But we had went, this guy and I had went to his aunt's house and she said, oh, you're so and so's daughter.

He's like, you guys are cousins.

And they made some comments and talked about my dad.

But before I left, one of the ladies, I heard her make kind of an off the cuff comment about, well, it's not really your dad, so she's not really related.

This was the very first time I'd ever heard anything like that.

I didn't react in that moment.

I kind of just rolled with it and took it for what it was.

But then internally, of course, I was losing my mind and I made my way directly home to my mother and repeated what had been said to me and she outright denied it.

She kind of flipped the blame or or tried to flip it a little bit, indicating that that part of the family had some hard feelings against her.

My parents that raised me had actually separated and ultimately got a divorce when my mom was pregnant with me.

I've always known that that was something that I've.

I've grown up knowing and it was kind of put on that my dad had gotten a little bit too entrenched in his alcoholism and my mom didn't want to be there anymore.

I don't really know.

I never was told what transpired to get them reunified, but as long as I can remember, my parents have lived together as husband and wife.

So legally they got divorced when she was pregnant with me, but they've lived together as husband and wife as long as as far as my recallable memory will take me.

OK, so he he was your dad as far as you were concerned.

So you hear this, that he's not your dad, just kind of an offhand comment.

You confront your mom and she says.

That's absolutely not true.

They're just they're being salty about the past and, and it's kind of a move on type of situation.

We didn't go further into the conversation and and I took her words for what it worth.

I mean, the that side of the family can be kind of dramatic.

So it wouldn't surprise me if they would hold things against people from a long time ago that might might not be true.

So I took her word for it and I I really didn't allow myself to entertain that idea for quite a while after that.

So then you pushed it from your head and then you said in 2014, is that the next time that this really comes up for you or did anything else come up before?

The Next Time This Happened

In about 2005, I believe, I had been married and had two children of my own.

And my husband at the time had deployed a couple times and was using drugs, and there was infidelity.

And it just wasn't a good situation.

And so I found myself doing the same and kind of seeking outside attention.

And I also found myself pregnant with someone else's child.

And there was a moment in time where my husband and I had talked about potentially doing exactly what happened to me, raising this child as our own and kind of putting this third person out of the picture.

And I talked to my mother about this.

I reached out to her and I expected more, I guess harsh criticism about my choices.

The person I'd been with wasn't a good person just to start with, though that was kind of the problem in itself.

But she was very forgiving and told me oddly many times that this kind of thing happens far more than you'll ever know it.

It happens a lot, Crystal.

This is something that happens a lot.

That would just felt weird to me, but at the end of the day I just.

I couldn't get past this idea of devoid a child from their paternal side.

I couldn't.

There was no part of me that could do that.

The baby was never born, so we never had to deal with any of that.

But I wasn't willing to hide that truth from a child.

But the fact that my mom was so open and accepting never left my memory and I held on to it until I moved back at the time in 2005, I lived in Colorado Springs on a on a Army base.

The Impact of the Rumor

And then I moved back to the Midwest and I found myself returning to some familial relationships and growing comfort in a couple of those relationships and bringing up that topic, bringing up the weird way I felt and and why I didn't think it was right.

I didn't necessarily put the words out there that my dad's not my dad, but I kind of implied like maybe there was a reason or or do you know why she would say something like this?

And eventually there were two separate family members that confirmed that it was a possibility that someone else was my father to the extent that they gave me first name, last name, even a nickname.

So I had all the information.

I was told that that I had sisters that look like me.

And it was kind of devastating.

But at that point, it was still just a rumor.

To get all that information, to get names and everything.

How did you feel to think about the fact that people knew something and you didn't know?

I felt sick kind of that people would know this thing about me or or you know, at least these family members that were close to my mom at one point in time.

It just made me feel kind of uneasy about a lot of things.

Just that they would even think that even if it's not true, if they would, they would share that or spread that rumor.

In my mind, I think that I gave a little bit too much grace to the situation, thinking, you know, my parents were separated, Maybe my mom had a fling and people are assuming that this is the reality or, or they've jumped to conclusions when they saw her with this person.

I know that I'm a naturally very flirtatious person.

I grew up with my grandma in bars as a child, which is not the greatest place for children, but she was very flirtatious as well.

And so I, I assumed my mom was the same way when she was around men.

So I thought maybe part of me thought maybe that's what it was.

It was rumors and it was not factual information, But I, I continued to, you know, take in the information as it came.

I didn't necessarily pursue or seek out information and I didn't even consider DNA until 2014.

And in 2014, I had gotten remarried and we got back our wedding pictures.

And one of the wedding pictures I printed off for my office was of me and my three brothers.

What I believed at the time were my two full brothers and my 1/2 brother from my father's first marriage.

But when I looked at the photo, I kind of got stuck because the three of them look just like my dad.

I mean, they're just carbon copies.

They've got slightly different hair colors, but their their eyes and their face and beyond the picture, their voices are, are my father.

And I don't necessarily look like my mother.

And so I obviously didn't look like my father.

And that's kind of what triggered me at that time.

And I coincidentally was working with a woman at the time who was big into genealogy.

And so I shared my story with her.

And she also happened to have a daughter who was dating my brother's oldest child.

And she had him submit his DNA on ancestry.com.

And she had built his family tree based on the information on there and what she had known.

And she said if you want to rule this out, this is this would be an option for you.

Nobody would know.

You could just put your DNA out there and if they're related to you, it's just, you can, you can push it under the rug and, and know that it was just a rumor and move forward in your life.

And so eventually that's what I did.

I got the DNA test and I submitted it.

And I knew that there were at least two people out there that that would show up in my immediate family if if my dad was my dad and they did not.

And that sucked for a lack of of better words.

Yeah.

Take me through seeing that and getting those results.

I think that a larger part of me than I than I realized was hanging on to the hope that it wasn't true.

I don't know.

I just, I thought that I was similar enough to my father in in personality, whether he looked like him or sounded like him, that we had so many characteristics that were in common.

They would just outrule all of the suspicions or or other possibilities.

And so I was kind of living in this, I'm going to prove everybody wrong mentality.

And when that didn't happen, I just, I was lost.

I didn't know who I was.

I didn't know what was true anymore.

I didn't know anything.

It was a really unfortunate time for me and it wasn't something that I was comfortable approaching my parents with, but I did talk to my brothers about it.

My oldest brother from the previous marriage did confirm that this was something that he had known.

But the other two brothers kind of gave the the responses that I hear a lot of people give that first of all, it's the non belief, but then second of all, they gave the, well, you know, he raised you and he loved you.

And, and to be honest with you, I probably got the best version of my dad.

My brothers and my oldest sister didn't really get a great dad out of him.

I'm a daddy's girl and I'm 41 years old and still, you know, he comes over bright and early in the morning to let my dog out when I'm gone.

So I think that they wanted me to feel like that was the most important and that was all that mattered.

But they still had the non belief.

So I had one brother who submitted his own DNA and thought he was going to disprove my theory and unfortunately he further proved it was correct when he showed up as 1/2 sibling.

But I still never got the responses from them that I anticipated.

What did you anticipate?

I just, I don't know.

I thought, I thought that they would understand that that hurt, you know, that I was grieving this life that wasn't mine anymore.

I guess I just expected them to, to somehow be able to better understand.

I now know that this is just not a situation you can understand.

You can't put yourself in somebody else's shoes because you don't know until you're there.

And then not everybody responds the same way.

Not everybody finds out and wants to know more.

Not everybody wants to go down that path at.

This point you'd been navigating it for 15 years more.

Yeah, something like that.

Like that.

It had been.

It had been a long while.

And so, yeah, so that's a long time to kind of sit with this information and kind of push it away and then to finally get that confirmation.

And.

And you're right, people don't mean to invalidate, but ultimately that's kind of how it feels when somebody's does feel like your dad's still your dad and that kind of thing.

What happens next?

What Happened Next?

Is it going to your parents or is it researching the family?

It's not.

So what happened next was not really something of my own doings.

I have not at this point.

I still have not since I was that 18 year old girl.

I have not approached this with my parents.

I have not talked to my mom or dad about the situation at all.

And I have no intentions to.

I'm, I'm making choices right now in my life that if they just opened their eyes, they could see.

So I'm I'm not hiding everything, but I'm also not taking that step.

And that's, that's partially fear of losing my dad, you know, I know he's loved me and he's raised me and I've been his child for 41 years.

But I also know his personality and I don't want to risk losing him.

So I'm not pulling that card anytime soon.

But the next thing that happened for me was kind of unexpected.

I had been at a family event and my grandpa, my mom's dad, pulls me aside and he asks me, you know, hey, I, I heard you submitted your DNA.

Is there a reason that you did that?

I immediately assumed that he, he knew what I was searching for, but I wasn't ready to approach that with anyone.

So I kind of played it off like my children, we're curious.

And so we all just took it to see who was what.

But then he goes on to tell me that he too has submitted his DNA and he saw that one of my grandchildren, one of his grandchildren linked up with me on on Adna site but did not link up with him.

Which could only mean that that my cousin's dad has the same DNA, but I do not.

Which ultimately means my mom's dad is not her dad.

And I told my siblings that and I got kind of the the same response.

I wasn't ready to say anything to my mom.

OK, so for people that are listening who maybe didn't quite follow, so your mom is also an NPE.

She is.

And you discovered this because your grandfather, your maternal grandfather took a test and connected with your uncle's child, saw that connection, didn't have the connection with you.

And so the only place where it could have broken would be your mom.

Yes.

Yep.

OK.

Wow.

What did you think of like, learning that, that your mom also has this experience?

Maybe she doesn't know about it yet, but she's in the same space.

I mean, there's kind of a, a little, there's a bit of a jerk inside me that was like, ha, ha, ha, your mom lied to you too.

That's just terrible to say.

But it's, that's where I was.

But at the same time, I wondered.

Is that why she, she was so adamant that this happens a lot more than you know?

Maybe she, she did know, she just wasn't telling.

But as as time progressed, I had heard stories from her about my grandma.

My maternal grandmother was married like five times.

And I also mentioned that she raised me in bars.

So she was a barfly.

I have a whole extra grandpa even though my grandma was married from from our time in bars and I still to this day call him grandpa, so that's the kind of woman she may have been.

Yeah, OK.

How did your grandfather take the information?

How did your grandfather take this information?

Did he know or was he completely surprised?

I kind of tried to play off the situation like maybe it was a fluke or maybe we weren't all on that same website because he wasn't sure if my link to this cousin was on family tree or if it was on Ancestry.

And so I pretended that I couldn't remember which site my DNA was on, even though my DNA is on every website.

But I I tried to play it off like like there was a reason for it other than the obvious reason.

And I, I assume he saw through my, my ploy.

I turned bright red when people call me out, but he never brought it up again.

You know, I still see him at least once a year and it's not something he's ever brought up again.

But he did intentionally pull me aside for it.

So I, I do think it's something he's aware of.

He just may not necessarily care at this stage in life.

He's adopted some of his children.

He's the kind of guy that just if, if you're his family, you're his family, whether you're blood or not.

So to him, I don't think it matters.

But I also suspect that by putting my kids DNA out there that their father is an NPE.

So it's just a vicious cycle of NPS.

Your children's father is an NPE.

Too children's father and there's one more that actually came of this that's confirmed after I found my bio dad, I added him and my bio sister on Facebook and I got a call from a a girl that I used to work with and she said why did you add her?

Do you know her?

And I was feeling particularly honest that day, I guess because I said, well, actually she's my sister.

And it turns out that this girl that I used to work with, my biological sister's child, has the same biological father as my prior Co worker, making my sister's child an NPE.

She's been raised by a man her entire life not knowing that he's not he's not her father.

So seems to be a time honored tradition you're uncovering.

The Impact of NPEs on Children

NP.

ES left and right in your family.

Did you ever tell your mom what you learned?

OK Nope.

I've I've not told my mom, I've not told my ex-husband, I have told my children, and I have not confronted my biological sister about her child either.

I don't know that I ever will.

I feel like we've talked enough about my situation and how it hurt me but if she wanted to approach it she would.

But she hasn't so far.

What do your children think of all this?

I have three children and two of them are older college age, and they realize that it's a heavy situation.

I think one of them would prefer that I not keep it a secret just because it's causes undue stress.

I have a really hard time at family events, especially when there's any kind of reference to having traits from one side of the family that's not there.

And I just, I just struggle and I, I don't know how to get beyond that.

The other one is he's just more understanding of, of where I'm at and, and wanting to take my own pace at it.

My other child, my youngest is only 10 and so he's not aware he has met my biological father, but I introduced him as my friend.

But he's just our friend that that takes us to lunch every once in a while.

OK, so how did you find your biological father and and what happened there?

How I Found My Biological Father

So in 2022, I apparently had been stewing in my curiosity and, and had been on Ancestry a bunch.

And I noticed that my childhood friend had put a post on Facebook about something to do with forensic DNA and finding, finding people and stuff, like stuff to the DNA research effect.

And she so she was just trying to get further in that field and trying to learn.

And so I sent her a message kind of explaining my situation, saying, Hey, I would love, I would love to just know what these people look like.

You know, I, I like a lot of people.

I want to, I want to look in the mirror and see somebody that looks like me.

I want to know where this, this little baby butt chin I have comes from.

And I let her know I didn't want to, I didn't want to cross any lines, right?

Like I didn't want to disturb a family I didn't want, I didn't want to be a problem.

I have I literally just wanted I heard I had sisters.

I want to see what these sisters look like.

Do I look like them?

You know, and she did not listen.

She, she reached out to everybody and, and their dog that she could trying to find this man.

And ultimately in November of 20/22, she put me in contact with him on Facebook at which time he said, hey, I would love to chat with you if you want to chat.

This is my phone number.

And so I called him and the conversation did not go as expected.

I spent a majority of the last 10 years feeling like I was this unwanted thing, all the while trying to like make myself good enough for this family to want me.

So trying to get all these achievements and do all these things to make myself lovable, I suppose.

But then I I talked to him on the phone and he knows my full name and he knows my date of birth and he knows that I'm an exact age at that time that that he was when I was was born, making him pretty darn old, 16 years older than my mom.

He asked about my brothers and he knew their names.

He asked about my father's business and how it was doing.

And he just knew all these parts of my life that, that I, I didn't, I didn't even know how to respond.

I didn't anticipate any of that.

I just, I thought I was this, this bastard child that he didn't want And, and I got stuck with my parents.

Not that there's anything wrong with my parents, but you know, I just, it was that feeling of unwant, unloved, and then to be to find out that I wasn't unwanted.

And my sister apparently had been pushing him to to find me and to reach out to me after his wife passed away once it was a a viable option for them.

But he didn't want to do that.

He didn't want to cross that line.

What's the back story?

What did he tell you about his relationship with your mom and how did he know about you all these years?

I didn't ask too many details of him.

I did ask a few things and then I asked a couple more relatives who would have been present in my mom's life at that time to kind of get a a more outsider perspective.

But from what I gather, my dad was married, bio dad was married, had his own children, and him and my mom sort of started seeing each other.

So so almost dating one of my uncles kind of implied that my bio dad had either been separated or had indicated he was separated from his wife.

But at the end of the day, when my mom got pregnant with me, it was you get to keep your wife and children or you can go and be a father to this child.

And he opted to stay with his wife and children.

And the wife was my sister indicates that that his wife, her mother was very adamant that he never have anything to do with me, never speak my name, no conversations about me were to be had.

1st, I just, I want to say like, I'm, I'm so sorry that you've been going through this for so long.

Finding Connection with My Father

That's really hard to kind of have somewhere in your mind sat with this information as you connect with him and you you connect and you're like learning more pieces about yourself.

Did you find yourself wanting to pursue a relationship with him or where did you kind of land?

So I, I do talk with my bio dad and one sister every morning we text.

It's this the first thing why my bio dad lives in another state.

So he texts me every morning about 4:15 and and my sister's not shortly after that because she's close to him.

But we do talk every day and when he'll come through where I live once a year goes to up to see his sister.

So he does drive by and it I have seen him one other time under very unfortunate circumstances.

So last March my bio sister actually commits suicide.

I had didn't get an opportunity to meet her.

She was not interested in knowing me.

I'm so sorry.

My oldest sister has the same name as a half sister I grew up with.

So I have two sisters with the same name, one that doesn't like me and one that's from my biological side.

And she's the one that was encouraging him to reach out and to find me and, and she did find me on Facebook.

The other one is the one that wasn't interested, didn't want anything to do with it.

She was aware that that we were in contact and that I had found my bio dad and bio sister, but she just wasn't interested.

But I don't think she was participating in in life much at all at that point.

So it was just just before my 40th birthday actually, that I went down to where she lived and attended her funeral, actually meeting a lot of family members for the first time.

And apparently I, I have some resemblance to her, which was kind of awkward at the funeral to meet someone for the first time that looks like someone in your mourning.

Those are hard circumstances.

I think that's the biggest struggle for me at this point is I'm, I'm angry that I was not allowed that opportunity to establish a relationship when it was when it was possible.

I don't know the entirety of the circumstances other than the wife's wishes, but I can't fathom not wanting more people to love your children or having your child become 18 and allowing them to repeat this incorrect medical history and things like things like that.

I just, I don't know, you can't.

I can't get that time back.

Right now, you, you mentioned that you, you don't want to push too hard for answers and, and you mentioned doing all of these things to make yourself lovable, which of course you're lovable without doing all of those things.

Why is he hesitant to ask his bio father for more details?

Oh, thank you.

Why do you think that you're hesitant to ask your bio father for more details?

Is he resistant or secretive or?

No, he's not.

He's not been resistant or secretive.

He's been very open.

I I would say that the problem probably just comes in my personality is I don't communicate a lot.

So it's very easy for me to keep this a secret because I internalize 99% of my thoughts and feelings.

I wonder things, but I don't in many regards in life.

I don't take it to the next next step and ask questions.

I think part of that is unrelated childhood trauma that that has carried on into adulthood.

It probably plays into that good enough factor as well.

But I'm just not, I don't, I just don't have the personality and I don't know that it it changes anything.

That's valid.

Yeah, that's not gonna, that's not gonna fix the relationships that I didn't have.

And so I think my approach at this point is get where I can with the way that I am now with my bio family and maintain the rest of my family as best I can while while keeping a secret without losing my mind.

You mentioned earlier that if your parents maybe open their eyes or looked a little closer, that they might realize that there's a shift from some of the choices that you have made.

The shift in relationships

Can you talk a little bit more about that and what you mean by that?

I can give you a very specific example.

Not only do I have biological relatives on Facebook, but I have contacts saved in my phone very specifically and a lot of my contacts, regular contacts.

I actually have photos.

So the photo that that pulls up when my bio dad calls is a picture of me and him and my my sister.

Same with my sister.

It's a picture of her and her husband that shows up.

So we very recently made a trip out of town, me and my mother to attend a medical appointment for myself.

And both on the way there and on the way back, I received a text message from my bio dad and my bio sister.

And they pop up great big on the screen.

You know that smart cars do or whatever.

And it it not only says his first and last name, but it's got his nickname there too.

And the picture of the three of us and she had to, there's no way to not see that if, if maybe she saw it the first time on the way down and questioned if she was seeing things, she had to have seen it and known on the way back.

I know that they pay attention to the the things that people are saying and doing on Facebook.

They can be nosy people.

I know that they had to have seen.

And his nickname is not a common nickname, so it's not like he's going around commenting on my stuff, just with a name that is an average Joe name.

I don't know at this point if she's just being blind to it, doesn't want to know, is living in denial, or just doesn't want to acknowledge the possibility.

Is it something that you would like to talk to her about?

I don't know because I don't think I would be very nice about it and if I'm being honest, I I think at this stage I would be rude.

I had at one point in this journey my sister I grew up with.

I ended up in a drinking establishment where she had been for quite some time.

And I was forewarned by another person to stay clear of her.

And I quickly realized that she intended at that at that time to to kind of break the news to me and tell me something to hurt me, you know, tell me about my bio debt to hurt me.

But I flipped it on her and, and I, you know, I brought it out and I said mean things.

And I'm afraid that I would do that same thing to my mom.

And neither of them deserve it.

You know, I don't deserve to be in the spot that I am.

But at the same time, you can't make somebody feel worse about something that they probably felt bad about for a long time.

I imagine there had to have been a time when she felt bad or or regretful or sorry or some some emotion about the choice that she made that prevented me from having the relationships I could have had.

The Mistime

Is that where the bulk of your anger comes from?

Is those the mistime?

I think so.

It's the mistime and it's the the people that I could have known and didn't get a chance to know.

And even for her side of the family, like not knowing if she has other, she already has a lot of siblings, but maybe she has more siblings out there.

Maybe there's more family and we live in a small town.

You don't do those things in small towns cause bad things can happen.

Did you learn anything about your family history that was new to you, like culturally or anything like that?

I have this blonde hair here that I lived in perpetual fear that would turn brown because my mom's hair turned brown and my dad's hair, that dad that raised me's hair was brown and my siblings hair all darkened.

And so I was just waiting that for that day and it and eventually whether it's funny or not, became a phobia.

Like I legitimately in the fall every year would look at my roots and see if it was turning brown yet.

But now I know I'm Swedish and my dad and my sister still have light hair.

You know, I've got the butt chin that I've got and there's not been any health concerns really.

My sister who passed away may have had some similar health conditions that I have, but nothing alarming.

I just don't.

Now when I go to the doctor and they asked me to confirm my family history, I just tell them to delete it because I don't know at this point in life what's what's true and what's not true.

So I'd rather have nothing out there than false information.

Sure.

You mentioned that you've internalized a lot of it and that's kind of the way that you've you've processed this or, or dealt with it is internalizing it.

Resources for dealing with NPSEs

How are you moving through as you deal with this?

You know, on your own, so to speak, what resources are helping you?

So I do have a therapist that's that's pretty new.

She's not doesn't specialize in the NP ES, but she is very understanding and and so far she seems to have the capacity to to understand and comprehend how that would impact a person.

So I think that's beneficial.

I have no problem talking to strangers.

It's just the people close to me that I struggle sharing any news with good or bad.

I write.

I like to write as well, so I've considered different different options for writing maybe a book at some point in time, but it's just getting it out and putting it on paper.

Sometimes is a is a nice way to relieve my my thoughts and anxiety and then I can let it be.

When I put it down on paper, it's gone and I can shred it and I don't have to worry about anybody knowing.

Yeah, that's definitely a good thing for people to remember is that you can write it down and you don't have to keep it.

It's just getting it out of your system.

Yeah, you get it out.

You don't have to let anybody read it.

It's just the the process of getting it out is.

So half the time that's all you need to do, get it out.

How has uncovering so many NP ES around you affected you?

How the NPES have affected her

Has it normalized it for you in some way?

Is it disturbing to you that there are so many?

It's pretty disturbing.

With my ex-husband, when I very first met him, he told me that they had joked when he was a kid that somebody else was his dad.

And then I started to kind of look at him and his sister and his dad and realize that, well, you know, it might not be too much of a joke.

That's a that could be a reality.

And then the same for my mom.

You know, they've had the rumors, but I was pretty shocked to find out about the biological sister and, and my own mother.

That one's kind of floored me and just made me wonder about the honesty of people in general and, and if they have any idea how that impacts or can impact the, the children that they're hiding their secrets from.

I know some people.

Take it really well and and move forward just fine, but some of us get get lost out there and don't know who they are anymore and and kind of have to start fresh rebuilding that that sense of self and who am I?

If I'm not that, who am I?

Yeah, Yeah, that's a really good point.

I mean, everybody does does deal with it differently.

I wanted to just go back and acknowledge that you were faced with the same choice at at a point in your life and you made a different decision.

You know your your plan was different.

Did that situation give you empathy for your mom, or did it make it even harder for you to understand?

It made it even harder for me to understand, not even just from the child's perspective, but from the man that I was with.

Although he was certifiable, I couldn't fathom keeping that child from him.

You know, not letting him know what achievements they've made or what they look like or what their favorite color.

I can't imagine not sharing that with someone that that they're biologically connected to.

Sadly, it's kind of similar to my older children and their father.

He's been inactive in their lives for several years and I still, even though they're college age, I still send photos and, and let him know how they're doing because I feel that that's just something they biologically deserve to have that information.

And I think that that's why a lot of us M PS as children felt that there was something missing.

Maybe not that there was something wrong, but there was just a piece of them or something was, was just a little off about their life.

What is next for you?

What do you hope for in your relationship with your bio dad?

I just would like to continue to to know him as long as I can.

He's older now.

He's he'll be 82 towards the end of this year.

I kind of look up to him.

He's older and probably in the best shape of his life.

I'm kind of envious of that.

He gets up and goes to the gym every morning at six and volunteers, which is something that I do a lot of and and nobody else in my family did.

So it was very interesting to find that he does a lot of the similar things that I do and has similar interests that I have.

So I hope to just continue to grow on those.

I would like to further my relationship with my sister.

I mean, we, we talk everyday, but it's still a very surface level relationship.

And so getting to know her on a more personal level level where she might feel comfortable telling me about her daughter or, or about other things in her life that have happened.

I would, I would like to have that and to not feel awkward at family events and maybe work on my, my, my relationship with my brothers unintentionally, you know, we've distanced and I think it's, it's because of the reactions I got and how that felt.

And I now I'm now aware that that's not their fault.

They did not do anything wrong, nor did I.

But there's no reason we can't have our same relationship we had before.

We're, we're still siblings whether we're full or not.

So I think it's just it's rebuilding those and furthering what relationships I can on the paternal side.

I want to thank you for coming on the podcast and talking about the fact that you have decided not to talk about it with your parents.

And I think it really goes to show that everybody's reaction and what they do with this information is their own.

Of course, you know 10 years down the road you could totally change your mind and shift or not, but whatever decision you make is yours and this happened to you.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

It's just a long drawn out process and I don't know that that was the best way to go, but I know that that's the only the only route I could have taken.

What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child?

Advice for parents who are keeping adna a secret from their child

To to just don't, I mean, I understand it at a very early age maybe or if there's something inappropriate with the parent that that it's best to not share that information.

But I think ultimately every child has a right to know that information a a right and a need from a reality standpoint.

And they they could hook up with the wrong person or a medical standpoint that they might be more at risk for certain things.

And, and so you're not doing anyone a favor by keeping it a secret forever.

You're just making it harder.

And what advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna surprise?

The piece of advice is not making to tell people not to feel bad if they if they go too fast or if they go too slow, because everybody's going to have their own pace and, and things are comfortable for different people at different times.

Or, or maybe they're never comfortable and that's just how it is.

But don't put too much weight in what other people are doing.

You have to do what's best for you when it's best for you.

Chrissy, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

I wish you the absolute best as you just continue navigating this.

And I hope that you have many more years with your bio dad to try to make up for lost time.

I always say there's there's no making up for lost time, but you can build a beautiful relationship in in the time that you have I.

Hope so.

Thanks again to Chrissy for sharing her story.

If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story at DNA Surprises. dot.

DNA Surprises was her next time.

Produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.