Joan’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

I feel like I got the best of both worlds because there's some genetic things that my dad has passed on with when Alzheimer gene and things like that, that have made some difficulty and just some genetic things that have passed on from his side of the family, neurologic things that I don't have any of.

And from what I have heard about my biological father, he had a really bad alcohol problem.

And which interestingly enough, it looks like when I look at my genetics, I have the genetics for it, but I never developed it at all.

I feel like I got the best of both worlds because I feel like my dad was such a great dad.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPEA person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

DNA surprises bring up a range of emotions, and if there's one thing I hope I've made clear on this show by now, it's that all of these emotions are valid.

In this week's episode, Joan shares why her DNA surprise was more of an interesting adventure than a dramatic event.

Her story is one of optimism, curiosity, and patience.

It took her a decade to solve her mystery, and many questions remain unanswered.

She discusses how she uncovered the truth and why she ultimately feels like her DNA surprise revealed that she had the best of both worlds.

Thank you for sharing your story, Joan.

Story 2

My name is Joan, I'm 75 years old and I lived in Encinitas, CA I think probably in my late 50s.

My brother wanted me to meet with my uncle and they said that my father was not my father.

And I was a little bit floored then.

You know, I was in my 50s, I wasn't quite as self assured as I was later and I was a little disturbed by it.

And my father was a long gone and and my uncle said this came up during my father and mother's divorce.

So my brother decided to do DNA with me.

But this is before they really had 23andMe or anything else and I'm not sure whether they had partial something or what he was doing but we came back as full siblings.

So I went OK story ended and I remember thinking Oh my mom probably told him that to make him feel bad or or maybe she did that early on who knows.

I've always felt like odd man out.

Why did he approach you?

Was it just like out of the blue that he reached out to you and wanted to do this?

Speaker 1

My uncle wanted to do it because he was probably the only person that had this information and he was pretty much terminally ill at that point and felt like he did not want to take it with him.

So he told my brother and my brother said, well, I think Joan would want to know this.

So we did that and then it was just put to rest as far as I was concerned, you know, there was no such thing.

So then 23andMe came out and pretty early on, my sister, my younger sister said, oh, look at this, because we're total geeks about anything.

Anything you can geek out about, we geek out about it.

So she's going, this will be great.

So she did it and you know, we're going to find out all these health things and health issues.

And she got the results.

And then I got a call and I was at work and I even looked at them kind of briefly, but not too thoroughly.

And she goes, have you looked at our relationship?

And I said, what?

And she says they have you as a first cousin or a half sibling.

And I'm going, well, that's wrong.

You know, I've already gone through this.

You know, that's a complete wrong thing.

I mean, I went so far as writing to 23andMe and asking how this could happen, all kinds of things.

But then I realized, no, this isn't wrong.

And then we had a two or three other family members.

I'm a from a family of six kids and I'm I'm the 4th of 6th so it seems like any of the ones that did the DNA were all full siblings except for me.

OK.

And when was this?

I was probably, you know, in 60 or so.

And so, yeah, it was about 15 years ago.

It seemed pretty obvious at that point that that was what was going on.

How I?

Feel when you realize.

You know what?

I, I, I honestly, you know, I told you I'm kind of a real geek and I felt so secure in my own skin and with my own family that I've, I've, I've always been an oddball in my family, but my family is kind of a bunch of oddballs, you know, So we just all get along.

We're all very different.

And it didn't make me think one way or another.

I remember thinking, mom, you know, I wonder what you were up to.

But my dad had been like a jazz musician.

And, you know, I think, I think things were maybe a little bit looser than than some, but nothing we ever would have known about or suspected.

You know, I mean, we had a a stable family unit, but my mom had passed, so there was nobody to ask.

I asked the only remainder in the that part of the family that might know anything was my mother's sister.

And they never got along.

And, and her response was, well, that doesn't surprise me, that floozy.

I went, OK, I said I was looking for a little more information.

But she was they had a real, not not a real close relationship.

They were real competitive and certain things so.

So that did not surprise me that much.

I remember she said, she said your mother could have gotten APHD and flirting.

My mom was, yeah, no answers came from her.

So there just really weren't any.

So I started first with 23andMe and I mean, I was just going through, they did not have a whole lot of information at the time, the amount of what I was going through, trying to figure out which side people would be related from things that are easier now, we're not accessible then.

So I was comparing things with my other siblings, like if they didn't show up with them, maybe it was from my father's side and then I would look similarities.

And I did finally get somebody that was, I think it was second cousin once removed or something.

And so we started trying to figure things out from there.

And she was actually a geneticist, so it was kind of handy.

And she, oh, she just loved it, you know, And she was trying, she got her dad to do DNA and.

Well that's that's pretty lucky to match with a geneticist.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was pretty handy.

And then, but she, she was off getting her PhD and so she didn't have a whole lot of time to work on.

And it was just kind of a curiosity for a while.

And then my, my younger sister said, get on ancestry because you know, 23andMe, there are a lot of people you might be contacting that aren't really into ancestry.

They were here for help.

So I got an ancestry and I just started doing these endless trying to figure out who was related and where and finding and just went all the way into it.

And finally I got an answer.

I don't know, after probably a couple years of trying from somebody that was, I think they had her as a second cousin, but I think she was a first cousin once removed in in real life.

And she said, well, I can get you in touch with my mom.

She does all this kind of stuff and she's been up to Ireland to do this and why don't you write her?

So I wrote her and I said, I'm not sure exactly which family I'm related to, but I'm narrowing it down.

And I think it's there.

And I've gone through family members that I didn't think it could be, you know, and she goes, well, could be Uncle Jimmy sounds like Uncle Jimmy.

So I went, OK, I've got a name here.

I've got some information.

I should go a little bit farther back that when my parents were divorced, they were going through this giant fight.

And my parents didn't ever really fight like that or anything, but I, it was the night whatever hit the fan and this was a giant fight.

My dad was having an affair and he said something about, do you think I didn't know about that state trooper?

I was like 14 or 15 at the time going, what's that about?

And my mom was saying something like, well, if you knew about that, why didn't you say something?

It was just a horrendous fight, really bad.

I kept that in my head somewhere.

So as this woman was going, well, it sounds like, you know, I said, did he happen to be a state trooper?

And she said yes, he was a state trooper.

Oh my gosh, and how old were you when your parents divorced?

Like, 15.

That was information from 60 years ago that was significant to me at the time.

Don't ask me why.

And I never even really thought about it again until, you know, I started looking at these things and I, you know, was like state trooper.

So then it was like, OK, this guy is in the right place, the right time.

The genetics look like it's leading to him.

Now what I need to do is find out more.

Well, she told me that he had two daughters.

She told me what she thought were their names, but she had not seen them since they were babies.

The, and that he had been divorced from their mother and he kind of lost track with the family.

So I had two first names and his last name and 1st I was looking all over New York trying to find these people.

They, there was no DNA on them anywhere.

I looked all the bases.

There was nothing that was like that.

So I started looking through, through newspaper ads and all kinds of things.

And she said, I think they moved to Florida.

So once I got out of looking in New York and went to Florida, I started going through newspaper ads, anything with these names.

And I found out that my dad and his wife had a business there.

And then I found something, an ad in the newspaper from a teenage girl name, the same name as what my sister's name would have been and the location and and then a little bit later and notice of her going off to college and whatever college she was going to.

And then I went into, you know, college yearbooks and all this kind of stuff.

Found something.

And then it flipped me into her younger sister who had kept her maiden name in the middle and her married name.

So I knew this was the person.

I also during the course of everything had looked up his ex-wife and saw that she had died in Arizona and whereabouts she was in Arizona and this girl lived in Arizona.

So I and I went maybe she has a Facebook page.

She did.

So I messaged her and said, are your parents, you know this person, your mother and father?

And if the answer is yes, I'll let you know why.

If you if the answer is yes and you don't know what, want to know why, that's OK too.

I won't bother you at all.

And she said I got an answer back like the next morning.

Yes.

And I want to know why.

So we, we got in touch and then she, she was not as commutative as her older sister was, who was really talkative.

And we really got into it and just, you know, just hit it off great.

And meanwhile, my whole family was pulling for me.

They're going like, oh, this is so exciting.

Like your your your siblings well.

Yeah, my, my siblings, my sisters were going, oh, we can have a, a big sister day with two more sisters and bring them in.

So it, it really was, it was kind of easy.

And I think I wanted to talk to you because I know it's not easy for some, for a lot of people and because it was such a pleasant experience for me within my own family.

And I did meet them and we get along great.

And, you know, we'd like to spend more time together, but it's kind of like I'm busy with my own family and, you know, they're in different places.

My new found niece went off and visited my daughter in Spain and stayed with her and they got along like they were long lost sisters.

And it's just, it's, it's been overall just a really positive experience.

I think if I had found out maybe 10 years sooner, it would have kind of shaken me to my core a little more.

But I was so kind of set and sure of my relationships and my own family.

There was nothing to be shaken, you know, It was a, there were a few things.

My, my kids are all musicians and we always thought that came from the grandpa, you know, my dad who was a musician.

And then they found out, oh, genetically they aren't even related to him, you know?

So that's so interesting.

And and you know, I've spoken to people who found out in their 60s and it was still really tough for them.

But you said you you always felt kind of different when your brother first approached you with the potential, with this idea that you were half siblings.

Finding Out

You seem to kind of have even took it in stride then.

Were you upset at first of the thought?

Yeah, I think, I think I was because I can remember looking at myself in the mirror going, well, my mouth looks kind of like his, you know, and looking at pictures going, no, I think that must be wrong.

I really wanted it to be wrong.

And I did have, I would say maybe a day when I absolutely knew for sure where there was this certain, oh, you know what?

I'm like an only child.

This man may have other children.

My mom had other children, but I'm the only one that's this combination.

And, and there was a little bit of, of isolating feeling like like genetic isolation, but not that I didn't feel like parts part of the family or, or that, that that was anything.

And I, I'm kind of a really curious person.

So it almost when I mean it took me 10 years to get through all this and find find out.

Who they were?

I worked on it for 10 years.

What how are you feeling for 10 years trying to figure this out?

And I'm not trying to make this a negative experience for you at all.

I'm just curious like what were your emotions as you're navigating ten years of OK, I I know this much is true, but I can't find the answer and you're still searching.

The Challenge of Finding the Answer

What was that like?

I, I, you know, this is probably going to make me sound like a little bit of an oddball, but the challenge was exhilarating.

It was like a puzzle that, you know, I would work on it for a while and I would get on a run and then it was like it went nowhere.

And I'd go, OK.

And then it was like, OK, time, time to get back to this.

Let's see if there's something else that's popped up, you know, And I always was looking at Ancestry and always writing little things.

Maybe I had, maybe I was a little bit emotionally detached and thinking of it as more of an adventure and an investigation than than than the actual what I was doing.

But when I talked, I talked to one of my half sisters and we, we talked frequently and it was just like, we just hit it off just like that.

And then she said, well, there's a cousin that's I guess she was still in New York or somewhere back East.

And, and this was before we even had the genetics done.

I had genetic test sent to them to be, to make sure, because I was thinking maybe there's some unknown brother in that family that they don't know.

Maybe it wasn't this guy.

And you know, there's another state trooper out there somewhere that that's this.

But anyway, when when I talked to this other person who would have been my cousin, we talked for a little while.

At first she was like maybe the first two or three minutes, she was a little standoffish.

Then we started talking and we just had the same sense of humor.

And I said, well, I was a little, I was a little apprehensive about asking, you know, them for genetic tests.

And and she goes, oh, don't be.

She goes, but you don't need it.

I can tell you.

Remember this family?

How did she know?

She said just just the way we communicated was just so easy, you know?

And she goes, you're, you're part of the family.

I can tell.

Well, it's so wonderful.

So it sounds like your family really just grew from this and now you have more people in your lives, and that's beautiful.

Yeah, it it really has worked out well for me.

I have not had as much time because I do have kind of a large family and we're all getting older.

Things have popped up that have take my time that have kept me away from investigating more.

I had a trip planned and then, you know, that had to be cancelled.

And as I say, they're in Arizona and there's no way I'll go there during the summer.

I'm here right now.

Stay.

Definitely don't.

Where you are, I, I am not.

I I was saying to my daughter, I, you know, 'cause I got to find out I was half Irish and I said, no wonder, you know.

What did you think you were before?

But English, Dutch, German, English, Dutch.

Yeah, mostly English, Dutch and German, all European, but maybe a tiny little bit of Irish.

But I'm like half Irish.

And my family took a lot of pride in my my father's, their father's family family, you know, came over and they're founding and, you know, we're kind of Puritans.

And I was going like it so doesn't fit with the way that just doesn't.

So when I found out, you know, I was more howdy.

Irish stock.

Yeah, that, that, that feels a little better.

Yeah.

When you were younger and you felt like you didn't fit in, was it kind of just one of those like funny things of like, I'm just different from my family or, or was it something that came up for you a lot?

Feeling Different from Your Family

It wasn't, you know, because we were all a little bit different.

You know, I was, I was actually quieter and a little more shy and, you know, I guess I really did not look like them, but I never thought about that.

It was kind of a joke with the family that I was the milk man's and they'd say to my mom and stuff all the time.

Well, and but I also was my mother's favorite.

You know, I was really a quiet, complacent child.

So I probably made it really easy on her and that made made it a little easier.

My my brothers and sisters are kind of rowdy.

Okay, do you think that your mom knew?

I don't know and I will never know.

You know, she must have suspected.

It's funny because my mom is not.

Well, at least we didn't know that she had the ability to keep a secret because she was quite outspoken about everything.

And, you know, so it was like everybody who knew mom could keep the secret.

You know, it's like, who knew this?

So whether you know she knew it was a possibility and she just put it out of her mind whether she knew all along, It sounds like she eventually must have said something to my dad maybe during the divorce and.

The relationship with her father

How was your relationship with your dad?

Did you feel like he treated you differently or anything?

No, not at all.

Not at all.

He died when I was young, when I was like 2022 or 23, but I just idolized him and.

That's amazing.

I don't think I ever got treated any differently at all, you know, so.

Yeah, what else have you been able to learn about your biological father?

Well, I could not learn a whole lot from my new sisters because it's kind of odd, some of the things I've learned like he stayed married for quite a while to their mother.

But I think he was, he was, he was really good looking.

I have to say.

He was a very good looking man.

And he was a big partier and a drinker.

And I think that they spent very little of their time actually married in the same place.

And one of my sisters told me, you know, they lived in Florida and they had been told that he had to stay in New York to get some kind of disability from an accident he was in.

But then they found out he really just lived a few blocks away.

She just didn't have anything to do with him.

So I think I think she was strong willed and and she just wasn't going to put up with his.

But what I found out from, you know, the cousins and things is he was, everybody loved him.

We had a great personality.

He was outgoing and friendly.

Maybe because he was a drinker, I don't know.

I became a nurse and I'm, and he was a medic in the in the Marines and also ended up, you know, from what I've heard, taking care of a lot of the family going and taking care of people that were sick or something in the family as they got older.

But personally, the daughters seemed particularly one of them very turned off by the disappointment in his drinking.

I feel like I was really lucky to be spared, you know?

Absolutely.

By that.

We hear from people who have had these DNA surprises and the what ifs definitely can play right, where sometimes we think the grass could have been greener, you know, if we'd been raised with our biological fathers.

DNA Surprises

But for you, it sounds like it was really great that you were raised by the dad you were raised with.

My parents did have a pretty rocky divorce and it became a little difficult during my teen years, but my brothers and sisters are all tightly bonded.

And even with that, you know, my mom never said a bad word about my dad.

I feel like I just.

I got the best of both the worlds.

I hope I have time to spend more time with my sisters.

I met my niece and I don't know if she's still here or not.

My new found niece actually moved near where I live and we met for, you know, one time.

I don't know what it is.

We all seem to have the same sense of humor and little gift of gab and.

I love.

That as I say, it was, it was a puzzle to solve and, and I solved it and you know, but the end I, I don't think I've gotten the as much of the rewards of the end as I will because I think those relationships are still budding.

I haven't met some of my other nieces but.

Yeah, One bit of insight you gave with your mom is you were surprised that she could keep such a secret for so long.

How the affair affected her relationship with her mother

If if she was right.

Well, she kept the secret, I guess, about the affair, but she did not perhaps didn't know that you were his child.

Has this experience given you a new perspective on your mom or changed your feelings about your mom in any way?

I've had a lot of things that have changed my feelings about my mother, but not in a negative way.

I think more in a positive way as I've gotten older and realize she has six children.

And although I adored my dad and we thought of him as the stability of the family, I'm not sure he was the best husband in the world.

I think he he was very much into playing his music, working during the day, playing the music at night, a little bit disappointed at at not having the life he wanted to have.

I just I think of her life, you know, she grew up in the depression.

She was she's like a little firecracker Hummingbird of a, a girl, you know, lots of energy and spunk.

She said what she thought she, you know, so, so as a young child, it was like, oh, this is, you know, Oh my God, don't, don't let her to APTA meeting, you know, don't, you know, like she was not going to bake cookies and be the normal stereotypical mom.

But when I when I think of certain things about her that I've learned to appreciate as I've gotten older and realizing the challenges she had and what she did with them and what she didn't do with them more than what she did with them, like, oh, that could have gone so wrong.

And she ended up after divorcing my dad, marrying just this wonderful.

I feel like I've got a blessed life, honestly, this wonderful man.

And he was much younger than she was and he is still alive and he's like the treasure of the family.

You know, he's just the best thing ever.

So he was more of the grandfather to my children growing up than my dad was because he died when I was so young.

But what isn't that life hasn't had its challenges for sure.

You know, I've had bad marriages and you know, all that kind of stuff, but I do feel like the DNA surprise was not one of them.

And I mean, I think it's beautiful that it's been a a positive experience for you.

I know you touched on this, that you looked at it as a puzzle, but honestly, how are you able to maintain patience for solving this mystery?

Well, you know, I had a lot of other things I had to do.

I was working, I had other things.

It was frustrating.

Sometimes I, I would get very frustrated when I would find a lead and then not hear back from somebody you know, and, and have to go in a, a different direction.

And I did get frustrated with the idea that maybe I never would find out.

And that was a little upsetting because I really did want to find this out.

But to be honest, there's not a disappointment in what I found out.

But the idea that the puzzle was over with, it was almost like it was almost like Christmas morning.

Oh, I loved all the gifts I got.

But the anticipation and peeking under the tree was, you know, so much it was even more exciting.

So yeah, that that's.

Really.

That's so cool.

I mean, you had.

I don't know you.

Have such a positive outlook on this experience and it sounds like you've had a lot of Silver Linings to this.

The best part of her DNA surprise

What's the best part of your DNA surprise?

I think the best part's yes yet to come, you know, because I, I have, I have new relationships that are budding.

I have new adventures ahead.

When I met my sisters, we met at a restaurant, Mexican restaurant down by me, and we went in at a normal dinner time.

And finally the place was closing and we had never ordered.

So we just were not done.

So the next night, my daughter came with me.

My daughter and I went down to their place and we just watched TV and laughed and ate and joked around and stuff.

And so my niece said, you know, maybe, maybe we can do Part 2 in Europe, you know, because my daughter lives between Spain and England.

And, you know, it's like, yeah, maybe we can all take a trip or something and do something fun like that.

But I still have a couple of other nieces I haven't met and a nephew.

I was kind of delighted to find out I was part Irish or half Irish that somehow that seemed to to fit me more.

Maybe because I like green places of seashore and and I don't like the heat or being out in the desert.

But it maybe would have been more reassuring to have somebody that wasn't so troubled.

You know, that I that I had a little bit more of a maybe found a little bit more of who he was.

He did remarry and I think his wife had gotten Alzheimer's and my one sister went to be with him when near the end of his life.

But I I don't really have a complete picture of who he is, and what I have is not that pleasant.

I mean, it was enough that I was kind of grateful he didn't raise me.

So kind of touching on the fact that you maybe don't have all of the information about him and, you know, trying to kind of paint a picture of who he was, maybe never fully understanding what the nature of the relationship was between your mom and him and kind of what was all going on around that.

How have you made peace?

Or have you made peace with not having all of the answers?

Yeah, I, I don't know if I've, if I've completely made peace with that.

Actually hearing that you think I didn't know about the state trooper at least makes me think maybe it was an affair and not a one night stand.

But I don't even know that for sure.

Maybe it was some one night stand that somebody knew about and told him.

I don't have peace in that.

I wish there was somebody that could come along and say, Oh yeah, or some pictures would show up, but that I've not really made peace with.

I would like to know if they actually had some kind of a relationship.

If they did, I think quite obviously my mother knew to stick with what what she had and not give up her family and the security and, you know, the the good father for more security.

So maybe he was, you know, kind of like a a lifetime boyfriend to keep her, you know, feel like she was a little bit more because my dad was gone.

I don't know.

But I wish I knew.

I wish I knew.

I wish I had some history there.

And I don't think it's coming from anywhere.

You know, as I say, everybody's been gone for quite a long time.

And unless some pictures or something pop up magically, I don't think I'll ever have an answer to any of that.

Yeah, that's something so many of us have to make peace with, is even if we might, even though some people get a pretty big picture of what happened, there's like always some nugget or just some detail that it's like, I wish I knew what that was.

I do find that I always, and I don't know if it's out of habit, you know, I'll look at long lost family things and stuff, 'cause I want to see people find their solution and get their, their questions answered.

Like I vicariously enjoy that, you know, like, but I don't think that's going to happen for me.

But that's, you know, overall, there's a lot of things we never know about in our life.

It's true.

You know, it's really nice to hear someone have an overall positive experience.

One of my goals kind of as I'm moving forward with the podcast is to show that range of reaction.

And while it can be really difficult for some people, well, it's not for others, and that's OK.

So I appreciate you sharing this.

Yeah, I have heard you say that.

And, you know, as I say for a while, I'm going to.

This is not the way I feel about it.

And that's actually why I wanted to contribute because it was like, OK, I think this is a different experience for me.

I think some of it is, you know, the family dynamics.

I had actually, the one sister said she had prayed for a new friend and she's kind of religious and she goes and then I popped up like it was an answer to a prayer because it had only been the two of them and they didn't have as big of a family situation as I did.

And so I think they were just very welcoming.

I guess we'll see you see where it goes from here.

Exactly.

I'm very interested in your perspective because it has been so wonderful for you.

Advice for Parents

What advice do you have for a parent who may be knowingly keeping adna surprise from their child?

I would advise against it.

I mean waiting to the right age maybe and or even even if it's some something written in a will after they're gone if they don't want to face it, because I think, as I said, not even though I found this for the DNA and find found things.

There's a certain things like I would love to a bastard.

Did you actually have a relationship with this person?

Those types of things that will always kind of, you know, I'll keep with me.

I think knowingly.

It's pretty dishonest.

And as I say, I don't know if my mother knowingly did it.

She had to knowingly know it was a possibility.

And then the fact that I was kind of the oddball in the family and looked a little different than everybody else and all those things.

She may have been in denial, but I think she she had to have known there was a possibility.

What advice do you have for someone who has just uncovered Adna Surprise?

Well, you might need to be very patient if you really want to find out.

I feel like I was fortunate, but I think you have to really take a look at yourself and know what you're ready to find out, know that it could be a disappointment, not put too many expectations on the end product.

I think I was kind of fortunate that I enjoyed the process and then the end was like just a good surprise.

I think you have to be pretty honest with yourself about what you're expecting out of it.

Yeah, that's really good advice.

Joan, Thank you so much for coming on the podcast.

I just really appreciate you coming on and sharing this different perspective, one that we don't often hear but is just as valid.

And I wish you so much positivity moving forward as you continue building your relationships.

Thank you so much.

Thanks again to Joan for sharing her story.

If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprises.com.

And remember, if you want to enjoy ad free listening behind the scenes content and more, join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises.

Until next time.

This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.