Courtney’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

It was, it was hard, it was a difficult relationship to say the least.

And you know, those are things that I'm so personally working on.

But the difference is, is I'm choosing to do things to get help.

I've never been to the extent my mother, I don't have her mental illness and I will never understand the things that she has to carry.

And I will say that like I, I don't have that experience.

So I try to be cautious when I say like, she was a bad mom or she wasn't a great mom or she, you know, she did the best with what she could, But that doesn't mean I deserve what happened to me.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

DNA surprises rarely happen in a vacuum.

So many of the people I speak to have experienced other traumas throughout their lives long before sending off DNA tests.

In this week's episode, Courtney shares how her mother's mental health struggles played a large part in her childhood.

She knew she was adopted by her stepfather when she was young and grew up feeling abandoned and ignored by her biological father.

As an adult, they began repairing their relationship, which led to them taking ADNA test.

It's then that Courtney gets the surprise of her life and begins the search for her true biological father.

Courtney's story is one of vulnerability, compassion, and a journey to radical acceptance.

Thank you for sharing your story, Courtney.

My Story

My name is Courtney, I'm 34 years old and I am from Ohio.

I was born in the summer of 89 and my mother was freshly 19.

She had graduated high school the year before.

She had been in an off and on long term relationship with I would like to call my bio father.

It wasn't a great relationship.

It really wasn't like it was very emotionally immature and volatile and they just weren't a good match for each other.

He was about a year younger and their relationship was physically violent as well.

When I came into their lives, my mother had moved about two hours away from her hometown to live with her parents while she was pregnant and my bio father made the choice to come and after he graduated high school to come up and live with them.

They attempted to make the relationship work for about 3 months and it didn't work out.

They thought and argued and it's kind of funny because my future step father, actually my bio father answered the phone one time and it was my stepfather asking to speak to my mother.

So that kind of threw him off as well.

And he was like who who's this guy calling?

And you know, it was it was kind of a mess.

So they split and my mother around, I think I was around a year old, reconnects with my stepfather.

They had actually dated a little bit before when her and my bio dad were on and off a little bit.

So you were born when your mom was 19 and she was with your biological father at that time.

And it was on and off Somewhere during that time she dated.

Who would end up becoming your stepfather?

Yes, but not until later.

Speaker 1

They also dated, so her and my biological father were on and off quite frequent.

From what I understand, she had actually went on a date with my future stepfather about a year and a half before I was born.

She used it as kind of like a technique to like, get back at him for going out on a date with another girl.

I don't know.

It was, again, it's really, really immature high school relationship stuff.

Sure.

OK, so there's a lot of entanglement between.

The three of them, around nine months old, she starts dating my stepfather.

He always says, like, I loved you before, I loved your mom.

He said I would come over early and she'd be like, you know, we don't go for a date for like another hour.

He's like, oh, I came.

Just hang out with Courtney for a little bit and spend time with her.

He was like, you were just like the cutest kid and you were always so excited to see me.

And he's like, and I love that, you know, like it was a really nice feeling.

So they begin to date about 3 months into the relationship.

They got pregnant with my sister.

About six weeks after my sister was born, they got married and when I was around, I think I was either three or four, my stepfather actually adopted me.

So calling him my stepfather honestly is like a little weird but for clarity sake I will call him that.

OK, but he's your dad.

He's my dad.

He's the one that raised me.

We had awful jokes as kids.

Like I've always known he adopted me.

I will give my parents amazing kudos for that.

I never questioned his love for me.

I know why he adopted me.

I know why it was important to him to adopt me.

He could have just remained my stepfather, but like, he did not want that.

And we've always had a really good bond.

We really have my sister and would always joke like you're his favorite daughter and you're not even his.

And I'm like, you know, like dark humor.

One time he told me he we were out, we used to fish together all the time.

And he said, you know, you can always tell the other siblings and I'll, I'll never say I said this, but I picked to love you and I have to love them.

And I was like, Oh yeah, I'm the favorite, you know, so we were always super, super close.

And we, we still are in some extent.

So it's, it's not changed super drastically yet.

So Long story short, six years later, they have my brother.

I'm going to say around the age of 12, my lifestyle changed quite a bit.

My mother with them.

Sorry, it's.

OK, take your time.

At the age of 12, my mom had gotten diagnosed with a pretty severe mental illness.

It just changed a lot of things.

My mom and my stepfather both worked a lot.

They worked hard.

They, they really did make sure financially we were covered to the best of their ability.

And that required a lot for most of them.

And that changed a lot because we then dropped from a double family income to a single and family income.

My mom kind of spent a lot of time in mental health hospitals.

There were many, many suicide attempts.

I'm going to say in my lifetime, probably 20.

Wow.

So I try to give her as much grace as I can in that situation.

Were they still?

Married during all of this, they still are.

I'm not saying what they have is healthy, but the love they have for each other is very deep and I think she and they need each other.

They do.

They heavily rely on each other.

So I don't know how to describe my stepdad.

He's just, he does what's right, you know what I mean?

Like when he said he was going to marry my mom, this is what he meant for everything.

I've never seen someone love someone so much.

I, I do feel lucky in that like, and it wasn't always like that.

Like I've I've got my first receipt to see how the relationship has developed over the years and changed and ebbed and flowed.

But through it all, they've made it work.

So I appreciate that even though my biological father had given up his parental rate to me, I still spent time with his family.

I, I grew up with his parents.

So my grandparents, his sister, I have, I had two half siblings from him.

However, I was not in contact with him because that was part of the agreement was that nothing directly involving him or his children or his family like immediate like in your home family.

And I was not to see him.

So I, I did grow up spending time with my bio family in a way, and it wasn't super, super, super frequent, but I was there for important events.

I take on a really big role in my family life and I grow up pretty quickly.

I have to I moved out of my parents house at 17 and finished my senior year of high school living on my own.

I moved to the big city of Ohio, if there is such a thing and got my cosmetology degree.

And you know, I've, I've built a career here and a life here.

Met my husband on Twitter which is now XI Guess.

My husband is first generation American.

His mother's from Mexico, his father's from Honduras.

We got married in 2016, we had my son in 2018 and for some reason at the age of 33 I decided I'm going to reach out to my bio dad.

I've never actually spoken to him and I just want to know his side of things.

I want to know why he did what he did.

Was it hard?

Did you feel pressured?

I just wanted to know his side, looking back at my mom and our relationship and knowing what I know now about her.

It is what his side, her side and the truth, you know.

So I, I just wanted to hear it all.

I wanted to know and I at this point have not really been super close with my mother.

I'm going to say around 2020 things really went rough between us.

I think when you have your own child and you grow up in a household where things happened that weren't OK, you look at your kid and you say, wow, you are the most incredible, beautiful, wonderful thing.

I would never let anything harm you.

Yeah, there's something when you look at kids.

That you just, yeah, especially like you're a baby, the thing that you made and you created with your body, like, whoa, I made this whole creation and I chose to bring this creation to the world and I decided to be a parent.

And I don't think some people have kids.

They always think about that side of thing.

You chose this.

Your child owes you nothing.

You owe them everything.

So it, it just brought up a lot for me and it made me question things.

And so it had been a struggle to connect with my mom at that point.

My stepfather is not great with technology, so I have been blocked from his phone before.

She's blocked my husband.

And he didn't even know.

He just thought I didn't call him for three months, which is heartbreaking.

And she had me blocked on the social media and she blocked me as well from her phone.

I would talk to my mom's mom and I would say grandma, you know, like I'm trying to get a hold of dad.

Is he OK?

Is things all right?

She would tell him.

He just couldn't figure it out.

So it, it, it just caused a lot of conflict in my life.

So I had gotten to the point in my healing journey where I'm like, I just feel like I need to hear from my bio dad.

So I messaged his wife on Facebook because he does not have social media.

And I said I, you know who I am?

We've actually met one time at a wedding shower for my aunt and it was abrupt and I don't know if she knew I was going to be there.

And I feel like she was very uncomfortable.

And that had been like maybe 10 years before I reached out to her.

Ten years plus.

She immediately responds.

Within like 2 minutes she said I am driving, hold on.

I'm pulling over and she messages me.

She said we have been waiting for this, We have been waiting for you to contact us.

We didn't want to overstep a boundary and cross into there.

We thought when you were ready, whenever that time was, we would be ready for you.

Let me get your cell phone number.

I'm going to give it to bio dad and he's going to call you.

And about four hours later I get a text and it says I've been waiting for you to call me or text me or get a hold of me.

And we set up a time to talk.

And before they were talking in person, we're exchanging pictures.

He says I'm more than willing to tell you anything.

I've been waiting a long time to tell you everything.

We talked for hours.

At first.

He goes in the he goes into detail.

He admits that he wasn't a great person to my mom.

He admits that he was physically abusive to her.

He admits that he he was part of the problem as well.

He did not sit there and try to blame my mom for everything and say how she was this awful human, but he was honest about her part in it as well.

There had been quite a few times where she he had caught her out with another guy.

How did you feel hearing his side of the story?

It was so hard not to be angry at him because he's saying things about my mom.

And even though she's my mom and I know, I know, you know, I know that she could do something like this, but it still hurts to hear someone to hear the bad things about your parents.

Like it's an uncomfortable feeling to hear.

And again, it's a shame thing, right?

So I was, I was kind of I took it with a grain of salt and remembered, you know, this is his first time getting to tell me anything.

But he had mentioned quite a few times about her stepping out on him and all these other things.

And I do think that bio dad, he grew up and not not a great house, home life, he didn't, he was, he was physically, you know, abused as a child.

So I think sometimes when you don't learn anything, you don't you don't know anything else.

He's not that human anymore.

He's done so much to change his life.

He's a great dad, he's a good husband.

He runs 4K or 10 KS or whatever.

He just did some sort of like Iron Man competition.

Like he's wild, like.

Sounds like he did a lot of growing and.

He did.

He's he's changed a lot as a human.

I hear vouching from that from his sister.

I hear vouching from that from his wife.

At that point, are you thinking that you might want to pursue a closer relationship with him?

I did.

If you grew up with a parent who is mentally ill or maybe a parent that doesn't integrate your whole model, you kind of always crave like maybe half of me comes from something so much better.

And then I'm not, you know, just this one person.

There's another side of me out there.

And my stepdad, he was a good role model in some aspects.

It's just he wasn't biologically mine.

And even though I had known that my whole life, I am quite literally the redheaded stepchild.

Our family photos, everyone is blonde and blue eyed.

And then there's me with bright red hair in the middle.

I'm tall.

I just stand out and I always have.

So I kind of always craved that in a way.

Not that I didn't have a father figure or anything like that.

And it's so hard to describe to someone that hasn't experienced this, that when you look into, you know your family's face that you don't see your own.

It's hard and it's it's weird.

Yeah, the genetic mirroring is important, yeah.

And he, he was very open, my bio father was open to trying to start a relationship in some aspect slowly.

And he had told me probably about about 3 weeks and I was talking on the phone.

There's something I want to say to you.

I've told my children about you because I don't think his children knew about me like like that because I stopped coming around his family, I'm going to say in my 20s.

So they were probably like really young.

My bio great grandmother had passed away and I did know her and I did spend time with her and I was not allowed to go to the funeral because my bio father and his children were going to be there.

I was about 20 or 21 when that happened.

So at this point, you know, I haven't had really much contact with him in about 12 years.

My bio dad sits me down or it's on the phone and he's like, there's one thing I want to do before we continue our relationship further.

I would really like to get adna test.

Like after talking to you and seeing pictures of you now I see a lot of my family and you, but like there were these times that we split up and I just want to be sure 100% of the way.

And I said totally, why not?

You're my bio dad.

Right now when he was telling you his version of events and he says that she cheated on him or was with other people during their on again off again, did you think to yourself maybe he's not my biological father or did you not think that at all?

The moment she realized she was his biological father

No.

I had no idea my mom loved him.

My mom said that was her first true 100% head over heels in love with someone.

She made it seem like there was no one else.

I don't even know how to describe it.

She really made it seem like it was him and then my stepfather and that was it.

So we meet, he lives on the West side of the state.

I'm in the central part of the state.

We had met in a small town in between the two of us at actually a dairy farm.

They make ice cream and it's really deuce yes, you know, Ohio dairy farm.

Why not?

So we go and I have my husband and my son come with me.

Now my son is 4 at this point, he has no idea what's going on.

Parenting through this is a whole nother discussion.

We don't even have enough time for that.

We meet, he gets to meet my son and my son's like who's that?

And I said this is blank.

And he's like, hey, blank.

And then goes about a day because he's 4, you know, he doesn't.

He's like, I get to go sit on a tractor.

I really I get to go see ice cream get made.

You guys are chopped liver.

Have fun.

So me and my bio dad and his wife go off into like a more private area and we talk and they pull out the DNA tests.

We do our tests, they seal our samples.

They say, you know, I, I really appreciate you doing this.

His wife goes, you know, either way, I want you to understand we are here for you either way in any capacity that you need us looking at you.

I can see some of my husband's family in you.

Like I can see it.

I'm going to say a week and a half later, it was May 25th.

My sister was flying up for a spring break visit.

It was May 25th, I was getting ready to leave to pick her up from the airport and I got my results and it says there is a 0.0% chance that he is your father.

What were you feeling?

Shocked I, I felt mad.

I was so mad at first.

I, I was like how did this jerk fake this test?

How dare he make my mom look this bad like absolutely not she loved him.

I, I did at first.

I really truly and I, I do think I hit that stage of denial where I was just like, this cannot be true.

This is not it.

I immediately screenshot it and send it to my sister cuz she just said I'm landing see you in 20 minutes.

Can't wait to see you.

So like I screenshot it and I said you have perfect timing.

I'm going to have a breakdown and she's like oh we're going to go get margaritas And I was like we are going to get margaritas.

So as I'm driving to the airport I call my previous bio dad and I say did you get the e-mail?

And he's upset, he's crying.

He said, I cannot believe this because I'm so disappointed and I feel so the guilt he has carried over these years of giving me up.

And I had a really hard conversation about my mom and I said, if you saw the signs of her mental illness, then why did you leave me with her?

And I think that hurt him.

And it wasn't my intent.

It was just a true question that we had, you know, and I, I had.

So I know he carries a lot of guilt and a lot of shame and what he did.

And I do think he thought he was doing what was best for me at the time.

He knew my stepdad would be there to take care of me.

He knew that him being a part of the mix, which is cream or chaos in my life because they they couldn't at that point have a relationship with even for me.

They couldn't even do it for me.

The fact that his family spent time with me and involved me in their lives and the guilt they felt that their son, you know, gave me up for adoption and how, which is all I just feel touch.

I feel guilt, but it's it's not my fault.

And I know that.

But like the, the pain that you feel for them is so deep because I'm like, these people really made an effort to be a part of my life for the most part, at least my childhood.

And then to have it all taken from them.

Not taken, but it's changed.

So when he was so disappointed and had his reaction, it kind of sunk in a little bit that it wasn't any sort of fabrication on his part, results or anything.

Part of me knew but part of me was still like Nope I'm going to do ancestry DNA there is no way he can fake it.

Then I know he's on ancestry, his results are public.

I knew I would see one of his family members names.

There is just no way.

So I decided to do ancestry at this point too.

I pick up my sister from the airport.

We go, we sit at a Taco bar and we sit at the bar and it's like, I'm going to say 12:30, maybe one O clock.

And we proceed to have a few drinks and talk.

And it was actually kind of hilarious because we were being very candid about it because my sister's like, we can talk here.

We're not going to see these people ever again.

And I'm like, touché, you're right.

So the bartender kept, like, washing glasses closer and close, but, you know, it was actually kind of funny.

Yeah.

He was like, slowly scooting closer.

And I'm like, should we just tell him to pull up a seat?

Like, so we had, you know, we talked about it.

We called my husband to come pick us up because we cannot drive.

And he drops us off at home.

And me and my sister, just like, you know, my sister's like, you know what?

Just take the ancestry test.

Just do it for your Peace of Mind.

She's like, we.

We probably know.

But just to be sure.

So I decided to do the ancestry.

I ordered the next day and then six weeks later I get my test results and there is not a single trace of his lineage anywhere.

And I text him and I said, you know, I did the ancestry and he goes, nothing popped up on my end.

I said me either.

And he goes, so I think we know 100% then.

And I said I think so.

He said, you know, how, how can I be there for you and what can we do is this doesn't change things like I still see you as part of my life and I will be here for you and any aspect that you want me there, which which was nice.

It was nice.

I start going through my ancestry DNA results.

I see my grandmother on my mom's side has been on there quite a bit already.

She has a lot of trees built and I'm looking and I'm starting to kind of pick and look and I'm not seeing any names that I recognize like nothing on this one part.

And it's not I don't understand it.

So I go to my top matches and my top match says it could be some sort of like first cousin or something.

Well I I messaged this man and I say hey, I am apparently on and trying to find my father.

Do you think you can help me at all?

And giving me an idea of how we're connected And he messages me back.

I'm going to stay within an hour and he said I will do anything to help because I actually went through my own journey of finding my bio father about three years ago.

Oh wow.

We go through the CMS and he's talking to me about it because he's done his due diligence on some of the stuff.

But he says, you know, my wife was really the powerhouse behind this.

Can I give her your number?

And I said yes, absolutely.

So she calls me right away.

She's wonderful.

She is like, listen, I got you.

It's going to be OK.

There are these support groups.

You need to go get on now there You, you need to go do this.

You need to get on there.

You are not alone.

This is OK.

It's going to be fine.

And I'm going to help you as best I can.

We're going to piece this together so we figure it out.

And with his age, we've determined he's my half uncle.

So that means him and my biological father are half siblings.

Well, my now biological grandfather has three daughters with his wife.

And then comes my half uncle and my half uncle tells me, I don't know of any brothers or boys that he had.

I only know of the three daughters.

So I say, oh, wow, that means there's another DNA surprise.

There's another one.

So because he's like, you know, I don't, I don't know of any boys.

I I'm the shock of the family, you know what I mean?

So they help me as best I can and I'm surfing around Facebook trying to figure out something that clicks and I find a group, the DND and Angels, and they accept me as a client.

I tell them a little bit about what I know.

I start to talk to a few of my mom's.

My mom had two best friends in high school.

They still were very close until here recently.

They helped a lot when my mom was going through stuff.

I go to a 4th of July party with my mom's brother.

It's a really big event in my family.

People from the entire town will come watch them.

It's in the middle of the country.

This is a big event.

So of course my mom's best friends are there.

And I pulled aside one of them and I said, you know, I would really like to, to call and, and talk to you guys and just pick your brains a little bit and I'd call them.

And I say, you know, this is what's going on.

Bio dad is not my father.

Could there could there be anyone else?

And they're like, whoa, there's no way it has to be him.

And I said, it's not him, you guys.

And they're sitting there and they're like, there's just no way.

There's no way you have to talk to your grandma.

She would be the only one that would know this.

Probably like a week or two later, my grandmother was in town and we were going to a cousin's bridal shower and we were driving home and she was giving me the hanging me by my toes basically about not being in a great spot with my mom and like getting mad at me.

And I said, you know, do you even know why I'm super upset right now?

If you have any clue?

And this was pretty childish of me.

And she's like, no, but.

And I said, well, blank is not my bio dad.

I took adna test and her mouth just dropped and she said what?

And I said he's not my bio dad.

He cheated that test.

I said no, he did not.

I took two.

So she stops and she takes a deep breath and she closes her eyes and she says the name of my bio father.

She says there's there's no one else.

There could be no one else.

And she said when your mom got pregnant with you, I asked her could it be?

And your mom said no, so I didn't ask again.

What?

Did you think of that?

It was just like, I think even at 19 we understand to an extent how it works and if they were especially at the point where he signed over his parental right?

Like I don't know, I was just kind of dumbstruck that she just dropped this name and she had explained to me that before my mother was with my previous bio dad, I don't know what they call him at this point.

She said before him there was your bio dad, your mother dated him until she was a sophomore.

He graduated from high school, went off to college and they kind of ended things.

And apparently they had tried to Wick at work for a semester.

And I later find out that he, my bio dad had like had a letter to a girl in his pocket or something.

And my mom found it, and it was this whole thing.

But I had never even heard his name before.

Not once in my life have I ever heard his name before this point.

So I reach out to my mom's friends, and I say, you know, could it be this person?

And they said it has to be.

They said, there there really isn't anyone else.

Like, there's no way to do this.

So as the DNA angels are working on my case, I give them this little snippet of a name.

And I said, this is the name I got.

This is the year he graduated high school.

This is where you grew up.

These are, he has, you know, three sisters and a brother.

That's all I know about them.

And thankfully they I'm not joking.

By the time I gave them that name, I'm going to say within 24 hours they figured it out.

I will say as a disclaimer, there is him and his brother.

His brother passed away in 2018 at a young age.

And it was between the two of them.

But to me, considering that I had that name and that my mom did state who I'm calling my bio dad, I I don't have technically anything that states I'm directly his and not his brothers.

But I really, truly, in my heart of hearts, don't believe.

That Yeah, because she named him and.

Her words kind of like, not great, but you know, like I'm assuming at this point she's telling the truth.

Right, that she was not with his brother.

They, they gave me everything, his Facebook, his Instagram, his e-mail address, like it's wild.

And you know, and they give you these really awesome step by steps of like, if you want to contact, how you should go about it and what you should do if you decide to move forward.

They give you support groups.

They, they do everything they can to really set you up for like understanding this and processing that.

And I, I do appreciate that because that's a lot of work.

And these people do this just out of the kindness of their heart.

Like this whole community is so beautiful.

The amount of people that volunteer their time to help others, and I think that's huge.

So I, I do love that about the NPEDNA community.

Yeah, they're, I mean.

They really are angels, these search angels.

That they are.

So they give me everything.

So I see him and I'm just like, it's mind mind boggling because I I look so much like him.

And how, how over the years she didn't see those connections.

And maybe she only remembers him at a certain age, or maybe she only remembers him, you know, at a certain time where maybe he didn't look so much like me, but like, I have a distinctive red color to my hair and it's 120% his color.

My nose, my my hands and my arms, which is super weird.

Like there's just certain things that like there's there's no way that this wasn't a question, but because I had light blue eyes and because my now bio father had brown eyes, she just thought I was my original bio fathers because he is light blue eyes.

I'm like, mom, you have light blue eyes and I don't understand how I never figured this out.

And that way I guess because like, oh, I have two blue eyed parents so I must heavily watch.

You know, I think sometimes you do see things you want to see, right?

Absolutely.

Back at it.

And you believe what you're told?

We should trust our parents, right?

Exactly.

It's so surreal.

I've never looked at a man's face and saw myself before, and that was just such an odd feeling.

He has an interesting career.

He is a chef for a sporting event that travels.

That's like the best.

I want to put it out there without divulging too much.

He has a video up on YouTube where he got interviewed about the food he does and like the box seats or whatever, if that makes sense.

Like the fancier, like upscale things they make.

And then also he is like for a certain arena, the executive chef.

So he also like overseas all of the arena food.

So I've actually seen like a video of him at this point 2 that I find and it's just weird.

It's so weird and I don't know a better way to describe it.

So were you just like trying to find out everything you could and everything you could about him without necessarily having a conversation?

I definitely was one.

Did I want to open that can of worms to I don't, I don't know.

I've already been, you know, rejected once.

Not rejected, but had a father choose not to be in my life one time.

And I don't think I fully understood the repercussions of that when I did decide to finally try to connect with him.

And you know, those things I'm still working on now, this is still pretty fresh At this point.

It's about 10 months and nine months actually, not even 10.

So it is raw and it hurts.

And it's something that I think before you make contact, you really should take time to breathe and think because it's not always roses in the end, unfortunately.

So I, I research as much as I can about him.

I find out about his career.

I searched through his Facebook.

It's, it's pretty open because Instagram is wide open.

So in this week of me searching through his Facebook, I say, what are the odds I'm going to search for?

Because you can.

There's a search function on Facebook where you can actually search one's profile for keywords.

So I searched my mom's name and I see on there that they've actually been in communication since about 2004.

Maybe not super frequent, but happy birthday.

How have you been writing back and forth?

And I'm like huh, that's odd because my mom had made it like I at this point haven't actually talked to my mom about what's going on.

I just wasn't there yet.

And part of me wanted to hear my bio father react or whatever he felt happened in the moment or if he knew I wanted to hear his side first.

Because at this point I'm like well I can't trust her word.

After I see that they've been communicating on Facebook back and forth, I reached out to my one of my mom's close friends.

They actually became friends around the time she was pregnant.

My mom got pregnant with me.

I've known her my whole life.

I reached out to her and I say, hey, I have a little question.

This is what's going on.

And unfortunately, her and my mother became estranged about 2018, I think at this point, but I still have contact with her.

I still see her when I'm in my hometown.

I reached out to her and I say, hey, this is what's going on.

I know you, my mom haven't talked in a while, but I just have some questions about this man and whether or not, you know, if they've been in contact or if you know anything.

And she said send me a picture of him and send me his Facebook.

So I sent him a picture and I sent the Facebook and she said I got to call you.

So she calls me and she says I'm just going to tell you what I know.

I'm going to say like around 2017, 1618 ish, somewhere around there I was at the bar with your mom and she's texting someone.

I said, well, who are you texting?

And she said, it's someone I knew from high school.

We haven't talked in years.

We're just connecting.

And my mom's best friend is like, oh, let me see him.

And she looks at him.

And then she looks at my mom and she's like, why does he look familiar?

She's like, oh, no, you've definitely never met him before.

You know, whatever.

Well, now my mom's friend connects.

She's like, now I see where I've seen him before.

I've seen you.

So she confronts my mom about it and she says essentially, like, if you do not own up to this, I'm going to tell your husband what you're doing.

I don't stand for that.

Your husband is a great man.

We all love him like a brother to us.

Like you're not, you're not blowing up your marriage on this.

And this was back when she discovered that that when the friend discovered that your mom was talking to.

Yep.

OK, so this is, this isn't even knowing that that's your biological father.

This is just knowing that she's kind of sneaking around and and having a conversation.

Yeah, through Facebook and stuff.

OK.

They talked about my mom's friend said, you know, she told me about how they used to date in high school and how he even had asked my mom, could I possibly be his?

But my mom said, no, no, no, she's definitely not yours.

And my mom's friend was like looking at the picture and she's like, Are you sure?

And my mom said, yeah, I'm positive.

So she kind of left it at that.

And I'm going to say maybe a few months later, my bio father's brother passed away.

It was sudden.

It was a heart attack.

He was young.

And I get confirmation later from my father that my bio dad actually called my mom at like 3:00 in the morning or something because his brother had died and he was just going through it.

And I'm like, you know, you wouldn't reach out to someone that you knew in high school.

You used to date in high school, you know what I mean?

So to me that.

Shows like I had something going on that was deep they.

Had to there's no possible way I can look at another way and I hate saying that and I hate portraying my mom in this light, but like it's all true.

It that doesn't make sense to me that if you're if my brother were to die, I would definitely not call my ex-boyfriend from high school.

That's all I'm saying on that.

My stepfather saw this person calling her at three.

It ends up being a very big fight.

Now I know what said fight is about because I remember my mom being like your dad's being so main.

I remember the fight.

I remember my mom calling me super upset about how controlling and how awful and like, oh it was just really it was awful.

I I remember the fight though because she had called me to talk to me about them fighting but not what it was about.

Yeah, so you're gaining so much clarity around things that have happened.

Confronting My Mother

At what point do you decide I'm going to confront my mother?

So I try to reach out to my bio dad on Facebook.

He doesn't respond and I kind of chalk it up to like maybe he didn't see that message.

So a few days later I tried to call via Facebook because it.

Will pop up even if you don't know the person.

I think it still pops up or whatever.

Sorry, like I'll try that.

It gets ignored.

So then I talked to my newfound half uncle and I said, do you wanna reach out and see if maybe he'll respond to you and just say, hey, you know, I'm helping your daughter.

You know, maybe you don't explain who you are quite yet because that's a whole nother layer to this.

Just say, you know, I I messed with your daughter and I'm trying to help her get a hold of you.

He said maybe a man contacting him will be like less concerning to him that like some woman's reaching out to him, I guess.

Doesn't respond, reads his message, but doesn't respond.

My messages never get read.

I sent an e-mail, you know, kind of outlying like, hey, I think you, you might know who I am.

I think you might have an inkling of who I could be, at least if you were friends with my mother on social media.

I know you've seen my pictures.

I would like to talk to you if possible.

Like I'm not here to blow up your life.

I don't want any money from you.

I don't think I'm in a relationship with you even at this point.

I just would like to talk to you and just kind of know you and just talk.

I just want to, I just want to reach out and see if we can somehow communicate and nothing.

So I have my mom's best friend sit my mom down and say and this is like her childhood best friends.

And they say hey, so Courtney took an ancestry test and she is seeing some interesting results.

Do you think it's possible that original bio dad and bio dad could somehow be related?

And my mom gets really quiet and just says no.

So at that point, I had drove a state over to go to a concert with one of my friends.

We went and saw Shania Twain and I had a three hour drive back to where I'm from.

So I was like, well, what better time to talk to my mom?

So I call her and she's like, you know, I had some really devastating news that I heard.

And I know that, you know, she started awfully denying it.

I said, mom, but I look like him.

And she said he was such an ugly loser.

And no, I'm like that.

She was just being really hateful and really mean about it.

Were you expecting that kind of reaction from her?

Yes.

And no, I didn't want to contact her until I had concrete DNA proof that I was not my my original biological fathers and that I am my bio fathers.

That was really important to me.

So there was no way to like get out of this, if that makes sense like that you have to come clean.

Accountability for actions is not something my family is great at doing.

They're very sleepy under the rug kind of people.

We try to talk and she finally essentially tells me that she did not know, there's no way she knew, etcetera, etcetera.

Do I think she was truly in love with my original bio father?

I do.

And I think they had a messed up relationship where they hurt each other as much as possible.

And so this playing with my bio father was to intentionally hurt him and it just happened to result in me.

So like that part kind of I'm like, Ouch.

Like I wasn't made out of love.

I wasn't made out of want.

I was just made and that's something I work on daily.

I'm so sorry.

But I think it's also important to know that like, you aren't who you come from.

You you, it doesn't make everything you are, that you don't have to stay in the same spot.

You don't have to stay in the situation.

You can grow and you can do so much more and you can't.

So it it ends up not being a great conversation.

I'm going to say maybe at this point, that was end of July, maybe August when that happened.

While my sister comes up a few weeks later and we're going to visit my family.

She's been dating a guy.

She brings him with her so she can meet my family.

There's this Big Lake festival where I'm from.

So we go back home for a little nostalgia and we're living on the way to my hometown and my mom goes, I know you and your sister coming here to break up me and your father and I won't stand for it.

And if you're coming here to blow up our family, etcetera, etcetera.

Well, at this point, like my stepfather knows what's going on.

I've never really personally had a chance to talk to him about it because she again, kind of controls how much I get to talk to him, unfortunately.

So I haven't ever really got to have a conversation, just me and him.

When he talks to me, it's on speakerphone with her in the room.

Our text messages are red, things like that.

So it's just hard to have an honest conversation with him.

He's kind of like meh on the whole situation.

He was like, so you have another shitty dad and I'm like, thanks dad.

Like that's super helpful.

Like he's like, I love you though.

And I'm like, I'm not saying that your love doesn't matter.

Like that's not it at all.

Like he's just so he was upset with my mom but at the same time it was all before him so how mad can he be kind of situation.

He has a hard time I think accepting the fact that I even went to talk to my bio father and I.

It's so hard to explain to someone that doesn't know it.

So we're working on it.

We're getting there.

But I have yet to hear from my bio father.

I have reached out to his siblings that he grew up with who are alive and a cousin and none of them responded.

I did reach out to his ex-wife who is the mother of my two older half siblings.

The eldest is like 24 and the other ones like 19.

And at first I I tried to message her and got nothing back.

And I said, you know, they are adults and I think they deserve to know who I am.

And even if he wants nothing to do with me, they should have that choice to get to know me or not.

So I reached out to the oldest one first and he did not respond.

And I was like, OK.

And then I messaged and within 20 minutes I get a message from my half brother.

And he said, I thought you were spam because I didn't clarify who I was.

I said I'm trying to get a hold of your dad.

I have some surprising information that I would like you to get to know me and get to know you if we could like talk.

And he was like, so like, what's going on?

I screenshot all of my information on my tree.

How I'm, I'm like directly DNA linked to a cousin of my bio father.

So I send them everything and he's like, send me pictures of you and I send them pictures of me.

And he was like, oh, wow.

Like I, I, I see what you're saying.

How did it feel to get that validation from somebody who you are related to?

It's weird because I look like him more than the siblings I grew up with so that's that's an odd feeling.

It was nice to know that he believes me because I feel like maybe that's one of the issues with my bio father is he doesn't truly believe I'm is but I just, I don't know how you couldn't believe it I guess.

Right.

DNA doesn't lie.

It doesn't and I just think he's not doing the right thing.

I think as a basic human right, we deserve to know where we come from, that that's truly it.

So I haven't heard from him.

I have been in contact with my half siblings that the two oldest, he ended up divorcing their mother and he has another half sibling and I believe she's like 11 and I'm 34.

So there's a little bit of a gap.

He's been married off and on quite a few times.

Do you have any plans to meet any of your new found family?

So I I did meet my half brother in person.

He actually goes to school in Ohio even though he's from North Carolina and he's about 45 minutes away from me.

So we met in person and it was oddly comfortable.

I don't, it's awkward, like don't get me wrong, but like it's something about like naturally saying yourself and someone that feels almost like, oh, we're supposed to be together, like we're supposed to be hanging out right now.

So we talk, we stay in like contact.

They're at an age where they're in their fun years, they're in college.

I don't know if at their age I would be full on trying to pursue relationship with someone like me.

Like I, I get it, you know, like they have other priorities right now.

So we stay in somewhat contact.

I'm trying to talk to them about possibly doing ADNA test just to make sure to give me that confirmation that I really really would like to have since my bio dad is choosing not to be involved in this in any way.

What is your relationship like with the original biotad and family that you were really kind of getting to know before all of this?

One of our last conversations was kind of hard because he had essentially told me that he had heard through the Grapevine or that my new bio father did not want to be involved and I should just really stop contacting him.

He said you know, I can be there in any capacity.

Wait, there was already a fracture in that part of my life anyways.

And while we did have a good connection right now, I don't think I'm at the place.

Maybe someday.

And I'm not shutting it out completely.

I just wish all of this could have been done so much sooner.

Yeah, yeah.

What is helping you navigate this?

You are still so fresh about 10 months like you said.

How are you doing and what is helping you?

I would say listening to the podcast has really tremendously helped me, just knowing that I'm not alone in this, in that this is actually somewhat of a frequent thing that happens.

And I think the support groups are really helpful.

Just for me, talking helps so much and that's what brought me to do this is I really think of my healing journey just to get it all out and to speak my truth without anyone trying to question the validity of how I feel seems really important to me right now.

And I've been going to a therapist, which I know can be financially a big burden for a lot of people, but there are there, there's help out there.

The Right to know website has a ton of resources.

I know you can reach out to people that can be like a mentor to you.

So even if you know they're not a therapist per SE, but they can at least walk you through some things or give you a, something to help you get through this because it actually does change a lot.

And it doesn't make sense someone that hasn't done this, but how to your court can shake you.

And I think it's so important to realize that everything that you feel is valid and the anger and the sadness and the hurt you unfortunately have to go through that you can't skip over this part.

And as much as it hurts and as much as you don't want to go through the pain, you have to push through it.

But you can.

It's hard and painful, it hurts, but you have to keep pushing.

You are not.

This event does not define you.

I think your choice and this is to continue to do more.

What I do for a living as a hair stylist, it's very self-serving.

I always say because I've always helped people make feel better about themselves, always had this compassion and joy in my life and helping others is so important to me.

I'm always everyone's cheerleader.

I always have been.

If you were feeling bad or you need someone to make you feel better, like I'm the one that you call.

And I've always been like that.

And I think going through this process dim that lighten me a little bit.

And sometimes I have a hard time seeing the good in people, but I can't let that change when I'm at my core.

Yeah, and I, I know you'll get back there.

I'm still in the thick of it.

So it is a lot and it hurts.

And just know that, like, it's going to hurt, it's going to hurt, but it's going to be OK.

Something that comes up a lot in my conversations with people is mental health.

How your mother’s mental health shaped your journey

I'm curious for your perspective on how your mother's mental health shaped the way that you've navigated this journey.

I think seeing my mom really go through the wringer in the mental health system really failed her.

So I have a little distrust of it, and I think that's why I've honestly only been going to therapy for about a month now.

It took me that long to commit to actually going to therapy because I have such a distrust of the system.

But I have to understand and accept that the system has changed.

And hopefully, you know, people are specializing in family trauma, you know, and people are specializing in these fields now.

Mental health has changed so drastically.

And I think it's so important to care for yourself in that aspect because sometimes, like, sure, you can do things for self love and self-care, but like, this is not something that candles in a bubble bath is going to fix right now, right?

Mental health is so important.

It connects to so many things in your body, your gut health and things like that.

Like there's so many connections.

And in a way, I am slightly grateful for this journey because now I get to be my true self and I get to find I know as much as I'm going to know, and I won't get 100% of the answers.

And who knows that someday I'll get more.

If you could say anything to your biological father, if he did respond to you, what would you want him to know?

What would you say to your biological father?

What would you want to say?

I forgive you for taking your time to respond to me.

I know it's probably a lot and I know that you didn't have the easiest childhood of growing up from what I understand and from what I've heard.

And I think part of you maybe thinks I'm better off without you.

But if even knowing you in the sense of getting my complete medical history and just generally being available for some questions, I don't need you to be a grandfather to my child.

He has grandfather.

I don't need to be my dad.

I just would like to know.

You're half of me, that's all.

I would like to know if at one point him and my mom were in love, I think that would help me feel a little better.

And even if they don't, that's OK.

I just want to know where I come from, maybe where a bit of my personality comes from.

Just a conversation is really all I need I think.

It doesn't have to be some full blown out relationship where your paw paw to my sub now and you're my dad and I don't.

I don't need that.

I just want to know who you are.

I just want to know part of who I am.

Thank you for sharing that.

Advice for parents who are keeping a DNA surprise from their child

What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child?

I think I have an interesting perspective on this because I grew up my whole life knowing I was adopted by my stepfather.

And what I can tell you is that I handle that with far more grace and support than I ever have with this DNA surprise.

I was never angry at my mom for having my stepfather adopt me.

I knew he did it out of love.

And if you know that there's a possibility, just tell them.

I think it's almost easier to grow up knowing, even if it is a possibility, it's easier to process because it's part of your life instead of a big abrupt change in your life.

Honesty is what builds your relationship with your children.

Honesty, transparency and support.

That's what you need to be a good parent.

And if you were in a situation where there is an affair or whatever it is, you unfortunately do have to own up to that.

You do, and it's hard and it's not an easy thing to do, but it's the right thing to do.

So I think if you can and you know it's a possibility, you have to own up to your mistake.

If your child comes to you later and they find out, be 100% honest from the start.

There's that possibility so you can make sure you can salvage your relationship with your child if it's important to you.

Thank you so much for sharing that you do have really good insight because of your upbringing and getting to see both sides of it.

Advice for someone who just uncovered adna surprise

What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise?

Everything is going to be OK in time.

Find support in the best way that you can try a couple different ways.

You know, try a couple different podcasts.

Not it's not one-size-fits-all.

I like this podcast because you are so validating to people and their experiences and you don't try to make light of their situation and you understand that.

Find something to help you get through this.

And it's hard to rely on people in your life, your spouse, your friends, things like that, because unless they've gone through it, it's really, really hard for them to understand.

So again, you know, really making sure you're doing the things to help you get through this because it's going to be OK.

Everything is going to work out the way it's supposed to.

Well, and I hope you remember that too, Everything will be OK, it really will.

I try.

That is my daily mantra.

Yes, and thank you for your kind words about this podcast.

And you know, I, I say the same thing.

And if anyone has made it to the end of this episode and you're hearing this, like, I know this podcast isn't everybody's cup of tea, right?

Like, but there might be something else out there for you.

You might not find the therapist that you click with instantly, but keep looking at support groups, Facebook groups.

We are not a monolith.

And we all have had this terrible thing happen in our lives.

There are good parts of it too, of course, but we're not all the same and we don't all have the same outlook.

And it's important to just honor that and find where you fit.

So.

Thank you for saying that.

There is definitely a space for you.

There's a piece for your puzzle.

Peaceful fit, I promise.

Like there, there's something out there for you, and don't lose hope.

Courtney, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing how you're feeling, how you're doing so fresh into this process.

I wish you nothing but the best and I really hope that you get some more answers either through your new found family or from your bio dad.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thanks again to Courtney for sharing her story.

If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story to dnasurprisespodcast.com.

Until next time, this episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.