Ryan’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

I'll watch something on TV.

It's just like, Oh yeah, that was.

That just reminds me exactly what it is.

I think we watched an episode of a show called Reservation Dogs, maybe like a month ago, and one of the characters found out, you know, who her father was and he knew about it the entire time.

And I literally had to step away.

I couldn't even finish watching the show.

This is 10 months later, 11 months later, whatever it is and it's I almost broke down in tears just because I I felt was feeling exactly how she was feeling and I just, it was hurt.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.

In July 2021.

My life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPEA person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP ES adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

Secrets.

Secrets are often at the beginning of Adna Surprise, but after the surprise is uncovered, is that the end of them?

In this week's episode, Ryan shares how on one fateful Thanksgiving, his mother confessed the truth about his paternity.

When he spoke to his birth certificate father and his biological father, they both requested that he continue the secrecy.

Ryan discusses why keeping the secret is harmful to him and why he struggles with one to share his DNA surprise with others.

He also shares how his DNA Surprise affected his mental health and altered his identity.

Thank you for sharing your story, Ryan.

Speaker 1

My name is Ryan, I'm 41 years old and I'm from Mesa, AZ.

Last Thanksgiving, my mother who decided that in her times of well she's getting Alzheimer's or dementia, that she needed to bear some news to me that my father is no longer my father.

Again, remind you this was on Thanksgiving Day that she decided this is when she should tell me this, You know, earth shattering news.

Wow.

What happened?

Were you just over there for Thanksgiving or did she come over to your house?

Because she has, you know, she's she was, at that time wasn't fully diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but she was going through a lot of symptoms and such.

She came to me about 3 weeks prior and said, hey, I kind of needed to talk to you about something.

You know, it's kind of private.

And I just kind of like blew it off because, you know, with being Alzheimer's, she talks about just a lot of like different wild stuff at times.

And I said, OK, mom, yeah, we'll talk about it.

You know, no worries.

And hope that that was kind of it thinking maybe she'll forget it with all this going on.

So then come Thanksgiving Day, we're at their house and we get done eating.

And she goes, hey, remember when I told you I need to talk to you about something And I said, yeah, she goes, can we go talk about that?

And I was like, yeah, sure.

I just thought it was going to be something silly or something about money or or just something.

But she took me out front.

And she goes, I need to tell you just in case anything happens to me or in case you need to know she's like your your dad is, is is not your dad.

I say what?

And she goes, you know, Ruben, who's you know, I grew up knowing is my dad is not your dad.

And instantly I I knew who it was.

As crazy as that sounds, I remember being a kid living next to this other family.

At that time I was very, very little.

But I remember us, they moved away.

I remember we all kind of lived in the same town, but I remember being a very young child going to visit this man again.

I knew who he was.

I, you know, I grew up around his other kids too, you know, And it wasn't like they were doing anything.

It was just like, oh, we would go see him at work or we would see him somewhere.

I was very young to remember all the details, but I do remember going to visit this guy and never, never thought of anything like this.

But it's funny, over the years I kind of played that stuff back in my head going, oh, I wonder what that was or why did we go visit him.

But I always wondered later on is like, things happen like that, that maybe my mom and him had an affair and sure enough, that was it.

How was your relationship with your raised father?

The Relationship with His Raised Father

So he left when I was about 10.

He moved out of states after about six months after, you know, leaving the house.

At that time, we didn't have much of a relationship.

I remember seeing him, I think like once when I was like 13 and then I was like 16.

I would see him a couple times that year.

We just kind of had like a broken relationship.

And to be honest, I I always wondered like he stayed around and why my brother and my sister were growing up and until they were, you know, 18 and and beyond.

And I just kind of always wondered like why?

Why it was different for me, like why he finally left, you know, after certain amount of time.

Yeah.

So but then to be honest over probably like say the last four years and we've really gotten you know we've really tried to like reconnect and build a better relationship and such and then obviously this hit in the middle of this like a year ago so.

The aftermath of the breakup

So when your mom breaks this to you, you instantly knew who it was.

How are you feeling as you receive this news?

Oh, it to be honest, I I feel like everybody like on these, you know the groups that we're a part of in these podcasts, you literally just question yourself 100%.

Like, who am I?

Like why?

I I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without going.

Like you don't even look the same anymore.

You know, I've been looking at this person for 40 years and I don't even feel like I'm looking at the same person, knowing that person, knowing that family, they had a much better upbringing than I did financially, status wise.

There was just, there was a whole different life that I go.

This could have been my life.

I could have had part of that life.

Maybe it would have been different for me growing up having a father that was in the state the entire time.

But then I go back to it like when I do think about the times of my dad, when I say my dad the father, you know, the guy who raised me, like I still yearn for like some kind of crazy relationship with him when I was a kid.

So it was a lot of, a lot of battling with those feelings.

And I still am.

I still still to this day.

Did your mom tell you who your biological father was at the time that she told you that Reuben was not your biological father?

The backstory of Reuben's father

Oh, she told me right there and then.

So just to give like the back story of growing up, like my brother is 12 years older than me.

My my sister who passed away a couple years ago of COVID, she was 14 years older than me.

So there was always this big joke of my family that I was the oops baby because my father, Reuben, my dad had a vasectomy before I before I was conceived.

So it was always like, oh, well, yeah, back then they weren't.

They weren't as as good as they are now.

And they were just an oops.

And I was OK, you know, so then my brother and my sister when I was growing up as a kid, always like, Oh yeah, you're like the mailman's kid.

Because I didn't look like either one of them.

Reuben, my dad is full blooded Hispanic.

My mom is Spanish and Irish, so, you know, I'm very light complected.

My brother and my sister were very they were light complected.

But you could tell that you would look at them and look at my aunts on my dad's side and and see that there was a similarity.

But with me, I, you know, oh, you just look exactly like your mom.

You got all of your mom's scenes.

Oh, OK.

But it just never felt that way.

Did your mother apologize to you?

The Conversation with My Mom

What happened during that conversation after she breaks this news?

It was a very, I mean, the conversation may have lasted about a minute or two.

As soon as she told me, I I I know that I asked like, what?

After 40 years?

Why are you telling me now?

I could have gone the rest of my life not knowing and I'd have been completely fine.

And then I I honestly, I just walked away.

I went back in the house, I went and found my brother who was Outback and he goes, did mom tell you?

And I was like, what do you mean?

Did Mom tell me?

How did you know he goes?

Well, she started talking about it, you know, a few weeks ago.

And I told her not to tell you.

And, you know, who knows what I was like, jeez.

So yeah, it was this big, big thing.

And I just told my fiance, let's just go, Let's go home.

And I'll tell you when when we get home.

What happens next?

Do you tell Ruben?

So that, I think, was my my biggest battle, my biggest hurt, my biggest scare of all of it was, did my dad know, you know?

And if he didn't know, did he ever question it?

And then if he didn't know what I should I tell him?

And then I thought to myself, if my son had this news, no matter how bad it was going to be for me, if it was going to burden him, you know, like it was burdening myself, I would want him to tell me so that I can help carry that burden for him.

My dad's a very like, calm, collected guy, never, you know, I don't even think when I was growing up that I really see him get yell or get mad or scream or anything.

About two to three weeks after kind of battling this, I finally just had enough.

And I broke down.

And I finally told him, he said, well, that answers my questions.

I've always wondered.

I I didn't know.

He's like, but even, you know, before you were born, I was questioning this.

But as soon as you were born, I held you my arms.

I kind of put all that side.

And I said I didn't care.

You were my son, and I'm still his son according to what he said to me.

And I said the same thing.

You're still my dad.

That's never going to change.

So he took it a little bit.

Amazing, yeah.

How was your relationship today?

With my dad, it's great.

I obviously don't bring it up with him.

He was actually here in Arizona, I think about four months ago when my aunt passed away, His sister and my mom wanted to come to the funeral and my dad actually wasn't going to be here.

How the family copes with the loss

But I could tell, like, it was very frustrating for him to, like, want to, like, think about even seeing her.

He'd been down here and visited, you know, other times.

And they've seen her.

They've seen each other.

They talk, you know, we've all had dinner together.

There was no big thing before, but this time I could definitely tell that hurts in his voice when he would say like, no, I don't think she needs to be here.

It was just it was completely different.

But you know, there's between me and him like we still, I mean we probably talk two or three times a week now.

Before it was maybe like once every other couple weeks but it seems like we talk more now than we did before.

But we don't talk about this because he's he's not like when I say old time Hispanic because he's not that much he's MO type thing.

He's just more like very quiet and then to him it's an embarrassment and a pride thing that he doesn't.

He would prefer that nobody knows, you know that I would say nothing to anybody.

So I haven't told any of my cousins on that side of the family.

I haven't told him my aunts on that side, just out of respect for him.

But it is something I'm trying to like work on, to like work up that courage to talk to him by saying I I think it's time for other people to know, just in case that this comes out some other way than us telling them.

I think we just need to kind of have like a, hey, dad, like I'm finding out that the more I kind of talk about it, the more I'm more open about it, the better I feel about it.

And I think they're just like, I don't want him.

You know, let's say, let's say he passes away in 10 years, and then this comes out and, you know, then, then people just didn't have an opportunity to ask him questions or talk to him about it, or just be there for him, you know, 'cause this might be hurting him more than any of us know.

So things are good with your raised father.

The Impact of the Relationship

What happens with your biological father and your new found family?

So about a week after my mom told me, she she called me and said hey I just want you to know I called Reed and let him know that you now know which those words was exactly how she says it.

So that told me exactly what I need to know because I didn't even ask her.

I I never said like Oh well does he know.

I just never never came to my came to my mind to ask her that day.

So when she said, well I told him that you now know means he knows his words to her.

Well, if he needs to talk to me, if he needs anything from me, just let him know to call me.

But he only had one request from from me was that I didn't tell his family.

So on both sides you've got this push for secrecy.

Yes.

So I didn't reach out to him.

I just kind of like let it go.

I was just battling with the demons inside, trying to figure this out and figure out what I wanted to do with it.

And then, and mind you, I am, because I grew up again.

I grew up around this family.

I'm not friends with any of his children on Facebook, but I'm actually friends with his wife on Facebook, which was his wife at the time that he had when he had the affair with my mom.

So I'm friends with this woman on Facebook.

She comments like I'm pretty much all of my post.

The only time it's a birthday, She's always like one of the first ones to tell me happy birthday.

So I was like, well, you know, I can't just.

I'm not going to just be that person who's blurted out.

I know these people.

So about two months ago, I finally reached out on Facebook message or him.

And I just said, you know, I'm still not sure what to say.

I'm not sure what I want from you.

I just don't want this to be a secret anymore.

But at the same time, I'm not here to like blurt it out to your family, you know, and call you out.

And he of course, like said, thank you.

Like I'm sure this is very hard for you as it's hard for me.

And then it just became about him.

They're very heavy into religion.

They're LDS.

So it's very heavily down here in the Valley and especially here in the East Valley where I'm at, their ideas of children that are born out of wedlock and affairs.

And it's just a whole, you know, they're much more against that.

And he basically just told me that, you know, if this news comes out, his wife is going to leave him, his kids are going to disown him, his church is going to excommunicate him, and all of his friends are going to disown him and he's going through cancer.

So this was just like completely uproot his life and again asked me that if we can just keep this between ourselves.

How did you feel about that?

It's the same as I felt the day that my mother told me.

It's heartbreaking because I I, I don't know.

I just can't even explain it because it's one of those, like, I'm tired of being a secret.

I questioned it my whole life.

When you know, again, my brother and sister oh, you look like the middleman's kid.

Da, da da.

So many things finally added up the day that she told me.

It's like, OK, well, now I'm on this journey.

I finally reached out to you.

You're my father.

And I didn't know for sure before I even reached out to him.

I did Ancestry, you know and 23 of me.

OK, so I was going to ask you, did you take ADNA test to confirm?

I did.

I did 23 of me and it was kind of like, yeah, there was some of those people with that last name, but it was very, very far down the list.

I was like, maybe I didn't have any, like half siblings come up or anything that was like second, third, fourth cousins.

And there was like, that name sprinkled somewhere in there.

So then I did ancestry.com and it was like, boom, I had two first cousins, same last name.

And when I clicked on their family trees, I was able to see like him and his brothers and his aunts.

I mean, it was, it was all over there.

So I kind of waited for that.

And when I when I it was part of my message to him.

Was it like, if there's any question, we don't have to question anymore.

I did do DNA tests and it did confirm it.

And you know, I have all my my information, my name, that's all hidden.

So people really can't see that, you know, if they messaged me, obviously, then it would be up to me to kind of let them know.

And he started to question about that like you know, if if any of my family members reach out to you, what are you going to say?

And I just said I don't know it at the time.

I I just don't know.

It's it's all going to depend on what the situation is, you know what happens or how I feel.

Does somebody reach out to you?

No, nobody has still reached out to me.

OK, so you talked a bit about your your raised father being Mexican, your mom is Spanish and Irish.

Ethnicity Shift

Did you have an ethnicity shift as a result of this discovery?

I mean, yeah, so obviously my mother's Spanish, but obviously part of that, her heritage did come from Mexico.

So now if you like, look at my my ethnicity, it's instead of, I think it would have been about 30% or whatever it is.

It's like 99 Percent.

And now the other side of me is French and English.

So it's like, you know, now when people hear my last name, it's even more like, yeah, it's Oh yeah, no, definitely doesn't fit.

Now, growing up, I had have a very, very, you know, deep Hispanic last name.

And people are just like, wait, what?

And I'm like, yeah, well, my dad.

But and now it's just like, well, I don't, you know, I don't even get into it with some people.

There are some people, you know, that would know me.

And you know, we'll joke about it now.

How were you affected by that?

How do you identify now?

Because the reason I'm asking is I too live in Arizona and Hispanic culture is huge here.

It's it's not predominant, but it's a large portion of living in the Southwest.

And so to kind of lose a big piece of that, how did that affect you and how do you identify now?

It's huge.

I mean, I still think, you know, I'm still Hispanic.

There's obviously still a small portion of it, you know, not as not as huge as it was before, but it was, it was kind of detrimental.

That might seem dumb to a lot of people, but I battled for 40 years being this white person, you know, brown hair, bright blue eyes, fair skinned, having a battle This my whole life of like, yes, I'm Hispanic, I'm Hispanic, I'm Hispanic.

You know, I when people, I don't really speak.

I'm not fluent in Spanish.

But when I do speak Spanish, people are always like, Oh my gosh, like you're very good at it and stuff like that.

So I always just was battling that stuff.

And now it's just like, I felt I feel dumb.

I feel dumb for those 40 years of like trying to really battle this thing and tell people who my dad is and, you know, all that side of my family.

And then it was just just blown away.

And especially to get some of those friends that I've had since I was kids, like, oh, yeah, OK, yeah, you're the whitest Hispanic we've ever known.

And now it's like, oh, well, that's kind of funny.

We made fun of you.

I was a kid and you, you know, you kind of battled it.

And holy cow, like, what happened?

I I don't know.

Yeah, and and just for anyone who's listening and you might be scratching your head going well, Hispanic people are white or Mexican people are white in the Southwest, there's a strong indigenous side to a lot of the Mexicans that are here.

So many of the Mexican people that live in Arizona are brown skinned and that's why somebody who has like blue eyes and things like that would stand out a little bit more than maybe in other parts of Mexico or something like that.

So if you, I mean if you dive into and you go into Mexico City or you even going to Michoacan, Sinaloa in those places, I mean a lot of people are light brown hair, blue eyes, fair skinned, but that's just not what you see here in the Southwest, you know going to California, going to Arizona, New Mexico, it's a lot of darker skin, darker hair, darker eyes exactly.

So that's what we know and that's what everybody around here knows.

Yeah, Thank and thank you for just further explaining that.

That's been something that's kind of popped up a few times because it is kind of this complicated thing, right?

Ethnicity and the Mexican Experience

Ethnicity can be very complicated for people.

And like you said, you still do have ties to your Mexican heritage, but in a much different way than you thought.

Initially, yeah.

Because I mean, even before this happened, like I I realized where, you know, I looked up where my dad's mom had, you know, her family was from.

I looked up where his dad's family was from, and I started to know this stuff a few years back and it was like, it was all completely wiped out, like completely done and just gone away from me now.

And I would tell people, oh, OK, you know, where's your, your dad's family from?

Well, some were from Durango and some were from Sinaloa.

And now it's just like, oh, all of what I what I thought was and I started to think about my life was, was, was not that.

What are your next steps?

Do you think in terms of your biological father and his family, are you doing any research or anything on that side of the family without necessarily contacting them?

Well, I mean, I've looked into where my half sisters are at.

Where's my half brother at?

You know, I have 1/2 brother and half sisters that still live here in Arizona and I have 1/2 sister that lives in Utah.

But it's and I just like, do I reach out to them, you know, and blow away this this thing, this idea they have of their father for, you know, 40 or 50 years?

Do I, do I ruin that for them?

Do I upset them?

And he has cancer.

Do I wait until, you know, he passes away and then reach out to them?

But then at the same time then they don't have the chance to ask him questions.

If they want to ask things that maybe they want to know it.

It's a it's a crazy situation.

I mean, I was seeing things and around things that tie me to that family for years without knowing.

My sister, who lives her and her husband, used to live here and they own a business here in the Valley.

But I live 1/2 mile from one of those stores, so I'd probably pass by it a few 100 times not knowing that that's like my sister's company right there.

Biological father worked in the construction industry for a certain company here in in Arizona.

I own my own business that works in the construction field.

I've been staying at that logo for 15 years.

Wow, you touched earlier on the you know what ifs and it sounds like that is something that came up for you.

The What Ifs

Where have you landed with that in terms of the, you know what what your life could have looked like?

It's tough because, you know, it's one of those things.

Like my mom was a single mom for many years.

We lived in some crappy neighbourhoods and some crappy apartments when she was single.

And, you know, we were struggling.

And I had a father who lived, you know, a dad who lived out of state.

And I was just struggling with those.

Like, you know, I wish I had a better life and I wish, you know, we weren't so broke.

And, you know, I wish I lived in these nicer homes.

You know, like my biological father lives in, you know, I just wish I had different opportunities.

And it's just it's some of those things adds up now to where like where I'm at now and and running my own company and being in the construction industry, like no side of my mom's side of the family is like that.

Like none of them are like owning their own businesses.

None of them are like in the construction thing.

My brother does work.

He works in warehouses.

You know, my sister was pretty much, she worked up until she had kids and then she became a stay at home mom, like just completely different, like paths.

And then when I look at my, you know, biological father's side, there's two of them, you know, two my half siblings own, own their own businesses and working.

It's just this weird thing.

And it's like, you know, could this have started out for me so many more years ago instead of waiting until I was almost 40 to, you know, to start my own business, But I've started it sooner because of the family ties.

And you know, the LDS community is being huge, you know, in the construction industry down here in the Valley.

It could have been a lot different for me and started a lot sooner.

But I'm, I'm still at the same time, I'm happy because I've done it on my own.

You know, I've gotten to where I'm at by my hard work, you know, in my work ethic and stuff like that.

The Impact of the LDS Church on His Life

Did your biological father express any real interest in you and the things that you've done in your life?

Did he express any remorse about not being involved?

He He didn't.

He didn't ask.

He didn't ask like how many kids do you have?

I mean I don't know maybe he's been looking and watching this entire time.

I have no idea.

But he didn't ask.

His couple things he said to me is I know this is hard for you and I'm sorry, like that's really it.

But more of the conversation was about like what's going to happen to him if this news comes out, not about what's happening to me and what it's going to do to me and what does to my son.

You know, when I had to tell him, hey you know your your grand for Ruben is, you know, not technically my father.

It's it's this other gentleman that he doesn't know.

He doesn't know who he is.

How did your son take the news?

He was 18 when I told him.

He was kind of like, well, that's kind of like crazy like how are you doing with that?

Well, I'm, I'm still trying to figure all that out.

He just asked who it was and then that was really it.

It didn't, it didn't go much more than that.

But I think as as an 18 year old kid, you know, he was just kind of like he was out trying to start his life and he was all right.

Well, and I didn't go into details like how it was eating at me and how he's doing getting to me.

So I don't think he knew to to ask too much about it.

So we're having this conversation almost a year from when you initially found out.

What has he been doing to process this?

Yes, here in a few weeks.

It will be one year.

What have you been doing to process this?

I don't.

I don't know that I've, like, really done anything productive other than like being a part of these like Facebook groups.

Listen to your podcast, like just listening to what other people have gone through and what they've done and trying to, like, help navigate the way that I'm going to continue my life or take the next step.

I mean, I I dove a lot into my work when it first happened.

You know, we're buying a new house.

We're actually getting ready to move into it in a few weeks.

There's been a lot of things that we've been doing that kind of help.

You know, take takes it off my mind, but it's still there every day.

How would you describe how you are doing today?

I'm good.

I mean, I guess I should say I'm.

I feel like I'm doing good.

I have a notepad on my phone.

I have a letter that I think I've been working on for since middle of August.

You know, putting down a lot of thoughts to send to my biological father to maybe explain a little bit more of what I'm struggling with so that he maybe has a little more understanding of why somebody needs to know, you know, why his children need to know and why his wife needs to know when it happens.

When I did find out the news, I I broke down.

I mean, I there was about a month and a half break that me and my fiance were on a break and basically broken up because I went through a lot of anger, a lot of hurts.

I wasn't like abusing alcohol or drugs, anything that.

But my temper just went crazy and all and kind of off off the scale.

There was no physical abuse but there was times you know that I had some some some dark thoughts and to be honest I I finally got on to some you know anti anxiety anti depression medicine.

It's kind of help Get Me Out of that and I take it every day and I feel a lot better.

I don't I don't have those thoughts and anything like that.

But it's just to know like I need him to know that every day this is still a secret from everybody else is just a day that it's not going to.

I just I can't move on.

I can't move forward.

I know there's so many people.

You know what, I've read their stories and such, and they finally just said, well, you know, nobody's going to know and I'll just, you know, move forward.

I just don't know that I can do it.

I'm not a, I'm not a very secretive person when it comes to family.

So I don't want the secret.

And and thank you for being open about how it has affected your mental health.

I think especially men in our community aren't AS vocal about some of those things.

And it's important to talk about because like you said, you know, having a short temper, like these are all manifestations of anxiety and depression.

And so thank you for sharing that.

Yeah, I I mean, it's huge.

And I mean you are right and I've.

I've read a lot.

I've been did your guys's, you know, your third Thursday meeting a few months ago.

I'm glad to see that there was other, you know, men in there because I feel like even on like, the Facebook group says there's just not a lot of men talking about any of this.

And I feel like it's like do a lot of guys, this doesn't happen to a lot of men or we just a lot of guys just don't want to talk about it, about any part of this.

And I just, and like I said, even to be honest, I looked at look at, you know I looked at your guys stuff in the retreat last year and it's like it's all women.

So it's like, do men not go through this?

Like what I should even think about trying to go to this idol?

Well, I will say men are more than welcome.

We are Foster.

You know, everyone is invited.

But yeah, it was all women that you know reached out and wanted to participate.

What will happen next?

What do you hope will happen next in your journey?

I honestly to be to be truthful I hope that one of my half siblings takes the DNA test and then I pop up so that it can just happen.

You know just and I want that you know I want one of them to reach out and just say you came up as 1/2 sibling and you know my other brother and my other sister didn't take the test and I just I hope that that happens.

I know that sounds bad.

I I hate for them to like have that that heartache, but I just, I don't know.

I think.

It's a way for them to know though, without you telling them.

Yeah, it's it's I've, I've battled with that evil.

I've, I've told, you know, some people, some friends.

And so many people were like, oh, you should just call them right now.

You should just, like, go to their house.

You should.

You know, I've even had one person tell me, oh, you should blackmail them.

And I'm like, I'm not.

I'm not that kind of person.

I don't know.

Like I don't need their money.

I don't need anything like that.

I, you know, I just.

What do you want?

Know what do you want from them.

I just want to know that side of me that I don't, that I have no idea.

I want to know that there's other people, you know, these family members that are, you know, my brothers and sisters like I I just want to know that side of them to know me better, really.

Like, it's hard to explain again because it's one of those I grew up next to my brother and my sister, who I was very close to, you know, I'm still very close with my brother.

My sister again passed away a few few years ago before this all came out, and I was very close to her for many, many years.

She pretty much helped raise me when I was a little kid.

But I just feel like now that I know there's something about myself or things I do know about myself, but I want to know where they come from.

I want to, you know, know that there's other people like me.

Yeah, that's completely understandable.

What advice do you have for a parent like your mom who is keeping Adna Surprise from their child?

Advice for parents who are keeping Adna Surprise from their children

First thing is don't wait until they're until they're 40.

You know, I, I, I don't even think that telling them when they're, you know, a teenager is the right thing to do.

Because I think this is kind of counterproductive because I know if my mom would have told me when I was 18 or 19 that I was going through a lot back then.

You know, just being a young adult trying to start my own life.

You know, I was going in a bad past at certain times that I imagine if she would have told me then it could have gone worse for me.

Then I could have, you know, ended up at this man's doorstep or my family and just created a whole mess for myself.

But just find that time that your your, your child is immensely ready for this and tell them.

And at that time make sure that you tell your family, other brothers and sisters or you know, things like that.

Just just make sure you tell them because it's it's it's hard for a lot of people.

What advice do you have for someone who just discovered that they're an NP?

Don't rush.

That's the first thing is don't don't rush into making any decisions.

Don't rush to finding them.

Just take your time and tell people.

Tell whoever you want to tell.

Because the more people that you tell that are close to you, the more people that can understand what you're going through.

They're not going to fully understand, but they're going to know that you're going through something and lean on those people.

Get the help you need.

If you need help talking to, you know, a psychiatrist or a psychologist, you need medication to just help you relax and and just take a deep breath.

But just do it slowly, because I feel like I almost made some rush decisions when it happened and I think I would have hurt more people doing it that way than than doing it like I am now.

Ryan, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

I hope that you get some resolution soon for yourself and so that you can have a better sense of who you are and learn more about yourself and and learn more about your family and I wish you peace during your one year anniversary which is coming up soon.

Me too, because we're having my family, most of my family over at our brand new home for for Thanksgiving.

So I'm kind of hoping for that New Beginnings type thing.

Thanks again to Ryan for sharing his story.

If you have adna surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story to dnasurprisespodcast.com.

Until next time,