Angie’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

I'm trying to process all these feelings of wait.

What?

What just happened?

This happens on TV, talk shows, and in the movies, this doesn't happen to normal.

People like me, you know, it, you never imagined something like this happening.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host, Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP.

He's adoptees.

He's and donor conceived people, and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Sometimes, DNA surprises lead

to flourishing relationships with Newfound family, but sometimes, they do not

and this week's episode,

Angie shares, how a comment from her birth certificate.

Father's, wife revealed, a non paternal event.

She discusses, how she identified her biological father with the help of DNA, angels and her disappointment, Aunt at his unwillingness to build a relationship, Angie also shares, how she reached a place of compassion for him and his family, as well as her mother.

Thank you, Angie, for sharing your story.

My name is Angie.

I am 48 from Fort Worth Texas.

So, in 2017, I was 43 at the time in November of that year, I have an older brother, and he and expectedly passed away.

And in the days, following his death, I had my nephew, my sister over at my house and my dad.

We had a weird relationship, my whole life.

So there was a portion of it.

We were very distant, and then there was a big Portion of it where we were very close, best friends.

We took trips to Vegas together and hung out together and we were tight and he had remarried a few times and things like that.

And that was all fine and good, but he had remarried in 2007 and she just, she didn't like me, she just didn't anyways, you know, fast forward to 2017, my brother had passed away, had my nephew over at the house and he kind of casually Mentioned that she said, well, you're you know, that Angie isn't even, you know, his daughter and I thought, well, gosh that's super tacky and I told my nephew, you know, she's just trying to be hateful, don't listen to it, you know, eccentric cetera.

And the more I thought about it it just really kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

So you know me being me, I proceeded to put my foot in my mouth and said you know what it is.

Anytime you guys want to do a DNA test, you just let me know.

So, well, I did and sure enough about three weeks later.

I got my results back, and there were no matches on his side of the family at all.

And he, you know, wasn't a match, and there was nothing.

So, here we go.

Now, my mom passed away in 2013, so I couldn't just reach out to her and ask her.

Hey, you know what happened?

So on.

Start this search and there had been rumors, you know, my mom was promiscuous back in the day and even though she was married, I think they both probably had, you know, different Affairs and things like that.

And so there were several different routes that, you know, I could investigate them and things like that.

And there had been one particular gentleman, who was a lifelong family friend and he was great guy.

Super sweet.

I always love him.

Love this family and so I had called him it had been oh I don't know, a couple of months or so since I had found out had started my research and I called him and let him know about my brother passing away and then I let him know what I have found out about my dad.

And I had told him that I was starting to do some research to find out who my dad was and all that sort of thing.

And he said, well, if it's anybody and she, it's me and I thought.

Wow, you know, No, that was easy.

And so we talked a little bit and he didn't want anyone to know because he was still married to the same woman that he was married to way back when, but he was very warm.

Like I said, I've known him my whole life and everything but it was still such a feeling of rejection on top of the fact that my dad who had raised me who had believed to be my dad, all these years had completely, you know, walked out of my life as well.

You had this on again, off, again, relationship with your raised your birth certificate.

Dad, how did you feel when you heard that his wife was saying?

Well, she's not his anyway.

What were your feelings around that?

I imagine, it's kind of complicated because you did have a strange relationship

with him.

You know, it's one of those things where obviously there were some history there they had gotten married in 2007, And the sad part of it is I really liked her when I first met her and everything.

I thought she was great for my dad but I quickly caught on to a lot of, you know, that old saying where someone's hugging you.

But when they're hugging you they got a knife in their hand.

Reaching around your back.

Yeah.

Well you know, I kind of picked up on to some of her, you know, passive-aggressive comments and things like that.

And it just started to get odd.

And then I started noticing, you know, there were apparently this went on not just with me.

With other family members of his and things like that.

And, you know, there was already that divide being cause there, and I'm not going to say it's all his fault or her fault.

You know, I'm not perfect, there were things that I did and said that I should not have done, you know, I definitely take responsibility for my part in it as well, but it's a whole other Dynamic when you think about the fact that he allowed her to separate him from his entire, you know, relationship with me and apparently, some of his other family members as well.

When that was said, you know, I had unexpectedly lost my brother, he was only 50, it was a very sensitive time, I was going through some health issues of my own.

And when she said that to my nephew, it just hit me a different way.

And that's why I said something back and you know, I was like well I'm going to stand up for myself this time and not let them just talk about me and, you know, get away with it.

And so, I did and took the DNA test and then there we go.

I would have loved to have been able to speak to him at least once send all the since all this happened.

So, you know, I could know how he feels, but I did hear.

I had someone else talk to him.

He apparently did not know, he said he was completely surprised.

So I can only assume that when she was saying that she was, I don't know if she was just trying to be hateful or if she, you know, I'd heard him talk about how they were had infidelity in her marriage and things like that.

And so she assumed I wasn't or something like that, but if that's the case, all three of this kids might not be his, you know, so just me, you know.

So it just hit me a different way.

And so that's why I decided to take the DNA test and I kept thinking, you know, now that we found this out, if he's going to reach out to me and so they, by day week by week, he never did And in it was just that rejection all over again because I kind of thought.

Yes, I feel betrayed and rejected and all these things but he might be feeling some of those feelings too.

And you know maybe this is something that we're sharing this together and in a weird way.

Maybe it'll bring us together somehow that we can at least talk about it, but that never happened.

The other thing I should mention too, that was always a huge concern for me, is that I have a son And he was at the time.

He was turning 18.

He's 22 now and for a big part of his life.

I mean, this was his grandfather.

You know, the relationships, a little boys have with their grandparents.

That's the thing is that he didn't just disappear from my life but he disappeared from my son's life.

And so that's a whole other Dynamic that I've had to try to process but at the same time, so some processing that I'm processing.

Who am I I and I'm processing.

Well, maybe this is why all of my relationships end up.

You know, in shambles, you know, there's something wrong with me.

And then I'm processing feelings of rejection and abandonment and then betrayal from my mom, all these things, at the same time, I'm having to stay strong for my son.

And you know what?

Kind of started this complete meltdown emotionally mentally physically, it was Absolutely horrible.

It Stripped Away, everything.

I thought I was everything.

I thought I knew kind of left me out there just wide open, not really knowing.

So when I had spoke with this family friend who, you know, came out and said, yeah, it would be me.

Part of me felt like I had closure, but again, then I had another layer of rejection because he didn't want anyone to know and all that sort of thing.

But he told me, if you ever need me, give me a call, you know, all this sort of thing and as time.

Went on while his wife passed away about, I don't know, six, eight months later and I thought, well, since she's passed away, maybe he'll reach out a little bit more now or something like that, and he never did, and I tried reaching out a couple times, but to no avail and this summer of 2021 covid-19 on, I woke up one morning and I thought, this isn't it.

There is something else to this story.

I need to know with 100%.

Certainty that he's my dad because what if he's not you know I've already dealt with not knowing I want certainty, I did some Googling on you know Facebook and online and all this sort of thing and came up with, you know, some of these, you know, DNA research groups.

I found one in particular and I reached out to them and told them my story and she took my case and I sent her a bunch.

The information.

My DNA test information center several different, you know, through ancestry.com through GED match several different ones so she could, you know, thoroughly investigate everything within an hour.

She messaged me back and said, well, okay, so the thing is the man that you thought could be, your dad is absolutely, not your father.

I do know that so, wow.

How

did how did she figure that

out?

Well, she went it through and she had started doing some DNA mapping and she found no one on his with his whole side of the family.

There were no matches.

So she quickly knew that he was nowhere in my history.

So she asked me to give her a little more time.

Let her work on it and she would be back in touch with me.

That was on a Monday morning Friday night.

It was probably almost 1:00 in the morning.

She sent me a Facebook message and she said, I'm so sorry to message you so late, but I am on a rabbit Trail and it's hot.

And I have to tell you now and I'm like, okay, she goes, I think I have figured out who your grandparents are like.

Oh, wow.

She said, yeah, and I'm really making progress here.

If you're going to be up, let me know I'll message you because I probably should know who your dad is here within, you know, an hour or so.

And let me tell you my Heart sank I literally could feel my body like just keep and tingle and my heart sank.

And I all of a sudden you have such feelings of Hope and fear and love and all these feelings Rush your body at one time as feeling of Wonder, and You know, those crazy and every possibility, it goes through your mind, is it, somebody I know is it somebody that's already deceased?

Is it, is it?

This horrible person who is serving a life sentence somewhere, right?

You have no idea.

You could yeah because you're already you're questioning yourself in your questioning everything you've ever done because now it's true.

Everything's different.

You're not who you thought you were and Desperately want to know who you are.

So a little while later probably 30, 45 minutes later, I got a message and she said, NG, I would like you to meet your father.

And she sent me a picture and she sent me a picture of this man.

It was probably taken back in the 50s or 60s when he was in college, or high school or whatever.

And he was so handsome.

That the first thing I thought was he so handsome?

And then she sent me all kinds of links his Facebook page and all this stuff and come to find out.

She told me his name, she told me that he was married and has two daughters in addition to myself, and she sent me before she could tell me anything else.

I could go on his Facebook page link and I immediately knew.

Yep, it's him.

Now I didn't know him at all, but he.

Had his workplace.

Luckily he had worked for the same company his entire career before he retired.

And that company is where my mom worked before, she

had me.

So, you had the DNA validation, but then seeing oh, yeah, they definitely knew each other.

They worked at the same place that was like, second confirmation.

Yep.

That visual reality of how this happened.

So, yeah, it kind of put the pieces together that she wouldn't, you know, hadn't been able to tell me she sent me a bunch of information on him, his daughters, his wife, where he was born my All of these things, she had found all this information on my grandfather who was in the Marines and had all these accolades and stuff.

So that was so cool to read about that and to feel some of the history, there of my family.

And it's so weird because I don't, you don't know these people, but they're your family and I get that a lot from people there live for.

It's just DNA though.

You don't know them.

So, I mean, how can it really affect you about?

Bother you because you don't really know that's again, that unless you go through this and and can feel like what it feels like, you know, there are certain things, you know, from the time you're a baby in your first memories, you know where you're from, you know, you who your mom and your dad are, you know, that you're white or black or Hispanic or whatever nationality.

You are and you have this sister and you know, these birth given traits about yourself, why didn't even have yes?

Yeah, she sent me his phone number and he said he's still alive, and he was 82 at the time and still married.

Again, they're still married to the same woman.

He was married to back then.

Okay.

So you, you can determine that.

It was an affair on his side, as well, based on that

information right now, to make it really interesting.

Here, the woman who had worked on my case.

She has tons of people that helped her with other cases, and one of the ladies, that helps her actually knows him.

She had also worked for him at that same company.

But years after my mom had been there.

So she didn't know my mama worlds.

And she was from like Tennessee or something.

She's not even from Texas.

So, it was just like, what, you know, it's crazy.

So she had told me cash.

She had said, if you want to talk to her, I'd be happy to, you know, hook you guys up and she could tell you a little bit about what she knows about him.

So she had told me that he was incredibly intelligent, very, very smart and you know, was very high-ranking and his job and was known to be kind of, you know, kind of a stickler.

But also known to be a little bit of a ladies, man.

And had, you know, relationships with several women and things like that at work and stuff and So that night that I got his phone number and everything up.

I definitely knew I was going to reach out to them, I knew that but I was hoping that a that he would answer the phone.

I certainly didn't want to, you know, cause any trouble for his marriage or his family or anything like that.

So I played this scenario out in my head 10 million times with him being horrible, to me with him, welcoming me with all these things, I Tried so hard to prepare myself for the worst and expect the best.

And I was so excited.

I was so scared.

And just sick with anticipation to make this phone call.

And I was up all night up all night and it got to be around 9:30 or 10:00.

And I thought, okay, it's okay for me to call now and so I called and this sweet, sweet little old man voice answers, the phone.

And I asked if it was him and he said yes and I immediately apologized and said I'm so sorry to bother you.

So early on a Saturday morning, I told him, you know, my name is Angie and my mom is Nancy and from I've been doing some research and I understand that you two work together and he said, yes, we did.

And he remembered her and spoke highly of her and all this sort Of thing and I told him that she had passed away back in 2013 and I had been doing some research and things like that and then I come to slowly got into what I was looking at.

And I told him who I was and I told him that I had done a DNA test and with some professional help.

I had found that he was my father and I am made.

Ring told him, I said I do not want anything from you.

I don't.

And I do not want to cause any trouble.

I just wanted to reach out to you and give you the opportunity to at least, just take my phone number.

So if, after a few days weeks, months years, even you have time to think about it, if you decide that you do want to reach out to me, you can you know this sweet little voice that answered the phone completely changed.

And you came back.

Very condescending and said, I don't really see any point in that people could get hurt with this and there's no point wish you all the best but you know there's just no point in this.

How did you

feel?

Oh man, I ripped apart because you know, as well as I do that.

As much as I tried to prepare for the worst, I have this thing inside of me, telling me this is it.

This is yours.

Can chance, you know, not even your second chance, but your third chance, you know, because when I thought I had found who was my dad, and I went through that Rejection, it was horrible.

And so I kept thinking this is going to be, you know, not that.

I expected him to say, hey, come over for Sunday, lunch, and, and immediately be a big part of the family, and go hang out under the Christmas tree.

Every year, that didn't expect that, but I desperately just wanted to get to know him And for him to know me, I wanted him to want to know me.

I wanted him to want to know my son.

It was completely shut off.

Boom, nothing.

I immediately called my DNA angel, that had held me and, you know, we talked a little bit and then she had reached back out to this lady, that worked with our, that knows him and she said that she was going to reach back out to him just to let him know.

Look, and she's legit here, you know, she's not Some random girl, trying to call you to get money or, you know, anything like that.

This is a legit DNA test.

And this is the findings and all this sort of thing and she did.

And she told me before I call him, she said, is there, you know, any questions that you would like me to ask?

And I said, yeah, I said I would like to know first off, did he know?

Second of all, I've had some pretty serious chronic health issues since I was a teenager Teenager so are there any, you know, genetic you know, conditions that I need to know about any serious health histories, any things like that, but I need to know about and then lastly, I just want to know if there's anything about me that he would like to know.

So she made the phone call and stuff.

She called me later and she said that, he said that he did not know about me, but I don't know if I believe that or not because again, she worked there when she Pregnant with me so he you can assume she's pregnant by her husband but you know you slept with her.

So

right what did have at least crossed his mind that it was a possibility.

Yeah, exactly.

So yeah, I don't know that.

I fully believe that she did, he did share with her a little bit of Health histories and things like that.

And then when she asked him, if there was anything about me that he wanted to know, he kind of said well Mom I can think of hmm.

I think if I would have walked out into the street and stood in front of a truck, it would have hurt a lot less than that hurt.

It's one thing to get rejected but it's another thing for him to just flat out say I don't want to know her and I don't care who she is not just for me.

But for my son how

have you been handling

that?

The first couple of weeks?

Especially the first few days I was incredibly emotional.

It peeled off all the scabs and reopened all these ones.

And I had already made such progress.

But again, I needed that closure and I know that this was part of that closure and whether it was going to be good or bad and during that time I was also trying to think, okay.

Do I want to reach out to his daughters?

You know, they're my sisters and originally I had no intentions of reaching out to them.

I didn't want to cause any trouble for them or the family and the more I thought Thought about it, time went on and, you know, of course you get everybody's opinions and they're all over the map, but eventually I had the mindset, you know, this is the thing.

I did not ask to be born into this situation.

There are my sister's just as much as they're your daughters, and I have the right to know them.

And I have the right to reach out to them if I want to now, they have the right to respond or not respond.

That's Be up to them.

But I have the right to reach out and so after a while, I was actually a couple of months and then I finally decided.

You know what?

I think I am.

I wrote them along email and just kind of told them about myself and the situation and what I found out and I told them again, you know, I don't want to cause any trouble for you.

I just wanted to reach out to you.

I got no response from either one of them.

I tried again, I tried twice.

With both of them and I got no response, I would peek in on their Facebook page every now and then and quickly realized that one of them blocked me.

So the level of rejection that goes on when you go through something like, this is so profound.

It's not just oh your Daddy doesn't want a relationship with you.

It goes much deeper than that you know with the sisters and the fact that they didn't even want To know anything about me or that I exist.

And then I kind of took my blinders off during the process.

You know, you you go through, it's kind of like grief, you know, the stages of grief changes and it involves as that kind of progressed.

I, I stopped thinking about it so selfishly all about me and how it affects me and I thought about him and his family.

And I thought, you know, this is thing from what I can gather, it seems like my mom was probably not the The only one he had an affair with.

So who's to say that they haven't gone through this already, whether he has another child out there that has reached out or, you know, they're just aware that he had affairs or I don't know what went on there.

Whole, you know, marriage and their life, the last 50 years maybe it's not so much about just me not wanting to know me and I'm not wanted or I'm not good enough.

Because, you know, these are the things I tell myself, you know, maybe it's the fact that this poor woman has dealt with a man who's had multiple Affairs on her whole life.

Or, you know, the girls know that their dad had an affair, you know, who knows?

I tried to stop taking it.

So personally, most days that helps, but, you know, I'm human and some days are harder than others.

But I think too that with time, Time, I've been able to become myself and, you know, it's weird because part of the feelings of rejection and abandonment and all that for me are just super, super hard because I don't have there's nobody, my son and I are kind of all we have my mom.

All her family passed away years ago and then, of course, you know, my dad, he completely walked out of our lives and didn't ever We have much of a relationship with, with any of his, you know, brothers and sisters and stuff anyhow.

So there's really no one there.

I do have a sister who was now my half-sister, but we're not super close, you know, we still talk and things like that.

But again, I had tried to reach out to her during this whole process for someone to talk to, because originally when this first started happening, I felt so alone and like I'm the only person.

That had gone through this and people just don't understand.

Unless they've been through it, they kind of put a bandaid on it as if well, you know, it's not the DNA that matters.

It's the man that raised you.

That's your real dad and I'm like, yeah.

Well guess what he walked out of my life too.

So yeah, it was hard because I didn't have a support system to fall back on or that you know that love and support and so I felt it opened up a lot of things.

Maybe there is something.

With me maybe I'm not good enough and I was a born out of yeah you know a lot of a deceitful Affair and so I was doomed to live a life of failure and you know all these negative thoughts and I turned them around and realize that you know there's a silver lining and absolutely everything.

If you look for it and a silver lining is Miss is that you know, I may not have a big support system and I may not have a big family and All that in the traditional sense but with that I have such Freedom.

So now I have the freedom to do, whatever I want to do.

I have no expectations from anyone or no responsibilities to anyone other than my son.

And so I can live and lead the life that I want to live and I can do it in the way that I want to.

I I took all of that and I could have sink it into a drinking or you know, God knows what and I went.

To school.

I tried to better myself and be who I want to be and at first, you know, I'm not gonna lie, I kept thinking.

If I do this then he'll want to be a part of my life.

Or if you know if I lose weight, he'll want to be a part of my life and, you know, I'm not good enough.

I'm not pretty enough.

Or if I go back to school and you know, have an advanced degree then he'll be proud of me and want to be a part of my life and all that.

And so as I started, Started making these progress has and getting my MBA and things like that, still not being anyone, there to help celebrate that with me.

That was hard because I had to think about it.

Who you doing this for?

Are you really doing it for you?

You know, are you practicing What You Preach?

Are you doing it?

Trying to, you know, trying to to buy win back the love and affections and relationships that you don't have.

And so that was hard to, but it's a process and I think some Day one that's been the thing, it's a process.

And so whether it's a good day or a bad day, I just try to remember that.

It's going to change whether it's for the better or the worse.

Everything is a process and it takes time.

And so, you know, in the end, you know, I've been able to better myself because of all this and Truth brings so much peace.

I'm so thankful to finally Know the truth.

It's not over.

You know, I don't know that he won't ever reach out to me whether him or, you know, the man that raised me.

I have always hoped and you know, I've got to prepare myself because I'm in this situation now that's a little bit odd because I've recently learned that he's in Hospice.

Hmm.

And so for the last however, many years every day, I've had hope that Would reach out to me.

And you know, with each day that passes and, you know, he gets sicker and we get closer to the inevitable and he hasn't reached out that hope dims a little bit.

And so I'm worried when he ends up not being with us any longer one day, man, you know, so many times when we talk about grief and stuff, people deal with not having closure and things like that, but you know, how am I going to deal with that?

Not having That that hope anymore and things like that.

So I just try to tell myself.

This is just an evolving thing, it's always going to be, there's always going to be obstacles that.

I'm going to have to overcome and Learn and Grow from.

And you know, with my biological father, he's 85 years old.

Now there's going to come a day when he won't be here anymore.

Do I try to reach out to the sisters again?

I don't know.

Well they reach out to me, I hope so I don't want them to invite me over and Expect me to be this part of the family and I don't want them to write me a check to be quiet or, you know, I don't want any of that.

I just want to get to know them that's all and I wanted them to want to know me.

So and it's funny because when people talk about, you know, just being able to move on and do what that, and all that sort of thing.

And I talked about, you know, questioning myself and who I am and where I came from.

But you question, everything and I and I think about this It's a lot.

I think about my mom, because we were really, really close.

And so I'm hurt that she didn't tell me because I think about are my whole life, her whole life.

Keeping that secret, That's Heavy.

That's heavy.

Heavy stuff to carry around.

How do you, how do you feel about your

mom now because you can't ask her questions.

Do you have questions

for her?

Oh man.

I would love to be able to sit down with her and just ask questions.

And the thing is I'm sure she didn't tell me because she thought I would be angry.

I would not have been angry.

And of course, I can say that.

Now, I might have been, but I would have gotten over it.

I would have rather have her told me and not have to carry that.

Her whole she struggled with so much her whole life, she had depression, and anxiety, and all kinds of emotional issues.

And man, if she would have told me, you know, I could have been there to help her and she could have been there to help me, you know, but she didn't, I think About little things too like you know, being a teenager and watching TV, and when this silly shows will come on, like Maury Povich and Jerry.

Springer people would freak out running across the screen about DNA, tests and stuff.

And we would kind of laugh at, you know, the shows and stuff like that.

And I think, man, I wonder if her gut sank every time we saw a show like that.

Or she heard something about that on the news or the radio or something, you know.

Yeah, it really makes you question everything.

Everything.

It's funny.

You know I had mentioned that I had started to have problems with my dad before this whole thing happened.

I was so hurt that we weren't able to repair that relationship and that it had gone, the direction it went.

When my mom was really really sick and it was the last week of her life we knew she was going to be you know leaving us soon.

She was on hospice and we were talking about you know, all kinds of things.

And I asked her I said Mom, you know, and I had thought once because I thought how could a man just walk out of his daughter's life when we had been so close, you know, regardless of what happened, we could work that out.

But how could, you know, how and a part of me thought, maybe he's not even my dad, you know, just a random quick crazy thought.

And so, I asked my mom because I had always heard to that me.

You know, my mom was a party, girl, she was promiscuous and I asked her, is there.

You know, even the slightest possibility that anybody else could be my dad and plus keep in mind.

I look nothing.

Like my dad, I'm taller than him.

I'm very fair complected and he's very, very tan, all of color.

I've got crystal blue eyes, and he's got very rich.

Brown eyes.

There's nothing about us.

Believe it looks the same and I asked her and she said no, absolutely not.

And I think Back Galley, I'm not mad about it.

I'm hurt you know because I thought we were closer than that.

Yeah, she is my best friend and a man, as much as I needed her Looking Back.

Now I know how much she needed me and it would have been nice if I could have been there, you know, to help her as well, going through this because I just I can't imagine, you know, I would love to know the full story.

Three but the always have questions that will never be answered.

Sometimes I think about you know what would she think?

What would she think if she knew that five years or four years after she passed away, that I was going to find out about my dad, those questions that we never get answers to their haunting at times, you know, but it's just been such a roller coaster ride and, you know, the process of seeking out help and answers.

I've met Many people like yourself who have been through similar situations and I'm finding that it's okay to not fit into the stereotypical normalcy expectations that we have in the world.

It's a normal to have a mom and a dad and sisters and cousins be your family and you know to spend the holidays together and all that but it's okay to create your own normal.

You know, do what you enjoy live your life as you want to live and it's okay.

Okay, that the people that support me the most in life aren't connected.

To me my blood and that, you know, they're not my family members by DNA.

That's okay.

Yeah, it's just been a complete shift in how I live my life and it's been just, it's been a rollercoaster for sure.

I really want to

ask you how you were able to come to such a compassionate place with your biological father.

You mentioned that, you know, you thought about how this affected their family and maybe the shock that they went through and the feelings that they might have been experiencing.

did you get there?

You know, over time, I think about, you know, a lot of the feelings and stuff that I was having.

And they all started with, I and me.

And one of the things that I've learned, I've always dealt with anxiety and depression and things like that, I always feel like depression can be such a Selfish disease, you know, because it's all about, you know, how we feel as weird as that sounds.

Oftentimes, I think what I'm trying to say is, we don't think about how it affects other people around us because we're, so busy, thinking about how horrible we feel.

You know, I've made some horrible mistakes in my life and I've treated some people in my life horribly and I've learned my lessons, probably a little too late but you know, I kept thinking, what did I do to deserve all this?

What did I do?

And I kept trying to better myself and my life and I might, you know, kept thinking, you didn't do anything, you didn't ask for this, you didn't, you know, so it can't be all about you and then I was thinking, well, he's never even met me.

So how can he be rejecting me based on me if he doesn't even know who I am, right?

There's got to be more to it.

You know how everyone thinks that the grass is always greener on the other side and I tried to get outside of my little box and, and think about, you know, the other view, the other view from the sisters or from him.

If you think about, you know, being a woman in your 40s or 50s that's married with Children.

And all of a sudden, a strange woman messages you and you know, tells you that she's your sister and your mom and dad have been married for 60 some odd years.

How would you react to that?

You know.

Yeah,

it's up rooting for everyone.

Involved.

Yeah, yeah.

And is clean and good as my intentions may have been.

They don't know that, they don't know me from anybody.

You know, when you hear these horrible stories about people, you know, wanting things or wanting money or wanting to be put in the will or you know, who knows what?

And it just took me the time of processing everything and just Thinking about him and his life and what all has he gone through and his daughters, would they, you know, what have they been through their whole life and take him off those Rosy colored glasses that we all tend to wear.

Yeah, you know.

Yeah, you you imagine him being this perfect father and wow will, why can't I be one of those two daughters?

You know, that he did raise and have a life with.

Well, that's all fine and good, but how do I know that it was so wonderful.

Full, I don't mmm-hmm and so it just took time to process it all and be real and be real about it.

You've mentioned your son a lot and how much his relationship with his Grand father's at a various points has mattered to you.

How is he handling all of this,

you know, it's hard because, you know, he's got his own struggles with his relationship with his dad.

Dad.

And so I've always tried to help them to build that but it's still struggling and on hope with time to gets better.

But one of the things that has been a worry for me with my son is the fact that we are so close and you know how boys are so protective over their mamas.

And so, for him, I think that he was so afraid to show me any kind of emotion Or feelings about the whole thing because he just wanted me to be okay.

He wanted to be strong for me and you didn't want me to hurt and he didn't want to see me in pain and I know that that was so so hard for him.

You know, during the process of all this talk about so many of the feelings and stuff that I went through all were about me, I had to make sure that I took the time to talk to him because he would just close up about it and not talk about it.

And so, Or him, you know, we would it's got to the point where we're able to talk about it and things like that and he he still kind of has the mindset that for him.

It was more about me.

He didn't want me to be hurt.

He feels rejection by his grandfather, the last 10 years or so and that's hard because you know like I talked about he's sick and there's going to come a day when he's not going to be here anymore and I Hate for Eric to not have that closure you know or conversations that need to be had or anything like that but it's not going to happen.

Now he's way too sick you know to have any type of conversation like that it's not going to happen.

So I hope that Eric will continue to see my growth and me getting stronger.

I hope he realizes that he doesn't have to stay strong.

For me that I'm his mom.

I am supposed to be here for him to and that I have survived.

This, I am resilient, I have come out stronger than I ever was and I can handle it.

And so let me be your mom to, you know, let me help you the way that you help me.

And so, I hope that will continue to progress and he'll continue to see.

Oh, well, Mom's not quite as fragile, as I thought she was.

You know, maybe I can open up.

Little more to her and we can kind of have a two-way street going on there and helping rather than, you know, him just trying to be strong.

For

Mom.

You mentioned that one of the questions you had for your biological.

Father was was medical because you've had some medical issues.

Were you able to put some pieces together as a result of

A little bit, not much one of the the issues that I have is a its Definitely its genetic, and it usually Skips a generation.

And so, when I was first diagnosed when I was 13, we couldn't find anyone in the family that had, it pays him back as far as we knew.

So I can only assume that it's coming from his side, you know, maybe one of his parents or aunts or Uncle's or something like that, he did share with me, that he has a pacemaker and some cardiac issues.

Believe that he said, his father had passed away from cancer.

So some of the cardiac stuff that he shared with me was very relevant to my, my health, my conditions that I have.

So, yeah, it was a little, it was a little bit helpful, but, you know, it would have been nice to, to, to have a little more in-depth conversation about that and get some more details.

And right.

Yeah, I just think that there's, there's always that question about marijuana Medical history and I think that comes up for a lot of npes, but it's not maybe something that a lot of people think about when we have this.

Oh my dad isn't my dad.

A lot of people think of the emotional side but there's that medical component to

it.

Oh yeah.

And every time you go to the doctor or any time you're going to have surgery and they ask you all these questions, you know about your mom and your dad, I don't know.

Yeah, yeah and so it's one of those things that people expect you to heal.

Get over with, but it affects so many aspects of your life that still pop up and will pop up for the rest of mine.

So it's finding a way to live with it rather than to get over it.

Yes, your biological father said that he did not have any questions for you but is there anything that if you could let him know something about yourself that you would share?

I just would like for him to to know that regardless of the the hand that I was dealt and things that I've gone through, at the end of the day, I never ever, ever have given up have been real close a couple times, but I haven't.

And I would hope that he knows that I am proud to say that, you know, it would be so easy to end up bitter and pessimistic and all this.

But I am very compassionate and kind hearted And a Survivor and I would do anything in the world for him regardless of our first conversation, you know, it would be nice to have that opportunity.

But, you know, if not, I just certainly wish him and his family, the best and, you know, more than anything.

I hate the fact that he has missed out on being a grandparent to my son, who is Is one of you know, not that I'm partial but he's oh man, he's got a heart of gold.

He is so tender-hearted and funny and sweet and smart and it's funny.

I always used to joke around and tell my saying well I'm so glad that you got your dad's brains and my humor because his dad is so smart funny now that I learned who my my biological dad is, he's very, very smart, you know, he A very good education was a lifelong engineer and his two daughters are very successful and smart in their own rides.

And so now I can kind of joke around and be like, wait a minute, you did get some of those brains from.

It was gonna say you just got your MBA and listening to you

speak.

I mean, your incredible.

How, how is your self-talk now?

Like you kind of mention that you were pretty hard on yourself in the beginning, are

you?

A better place, I am in a better place, but I think as a woman, especially here in the United States where we are so driven by media, I am very hard on myself as far as, you know, expectations, physically and things like that but it's gotten better.

I think that the older you get, you get this wisdom and then you also get these feelings of what really matters and what doesn't.

So I think that that Has helped and I just try and it's so easy to say to redirect your thoughts, it's hard and it does take time.

And just like I was saying, you know, that everything is a process that is too.

So when I'm having a day where i'm thinking, you know, what, Angie, if you would lose 50 pounds, you know, or you would do this, or if you would do that, I just tell myself, look, you're having a bad day if it's Okay, today, if you want to wallow in it, that's fine.

But tomorrow when you get up, it's a new day and we're going to start over.

I remind myself you know to cherish the little things and the beautiful wonderful things and tell myself, you know, this is a great day or this is a great experience.

And remember this two days from now when you're having a bad day and you feel like the whole world is against you just remember, you know, it's Peaks and valleys and there's good.

Bad and it's all going to come and go.

What advice do you have for a parent?

Who's keeping a DNA surprise from their

child?

I would say, first off, trust him, trust him to tell him.

Don't automatically think that.

They're going to think you're a bad parent or that they're going to, you know, disown you and think horribly of you and all these things plus them, trust them with their truth.

Because They deserve to know the truth and it's good for you to carrying this kind of secret is so, you know, anytime we hold on the negative things like that, it affects us in so many different ways, both mentally emotionally and physically and it's okay to remember that the probably going to be hurt and they might be angry and it's not going to be a fun conversation but that's okay.

That's part of the process.

Just because it starts off, angry doesn't mean that it's going to end angry.

It's part of the process.

And you would want to know the truth and they deserve to know the truth.

What advice do you have for someone who just discovered that they're in npe

breathe first, just breathe and please don't think you're alone, you know, like I said, one of the quit, the first thing that I realized was I did feel so alone and I felt, you know, Everybody has these families.

And they know this, their mom and their dad and all these things.

But I quickly found out that there are so many of us.

So just know that, you know, your DNA makeup is certainly a part of what builds you and makes you who you are.

But at the end of the day you are who makes you?

You and you know, these things are only going to You know, make you stronger in the end and to know that there's a lot of people out there that are willing to help willing to support you that you are not alone.

That's the biggest thing that's feelings of Abandonment and rejection.

You Are Not Alone there so many groups out there.

These podcasts Facebook groups, all kinds of support groups whether in person or virtually, You are not alone and that you did not ask.

Ask to be born into this situation.

You're not the bad guy, you didn't do anything.

That's one of the things that I really, really have struggled with.

Is that I kept, I felt dirty.

I felt like I did something.

I was the bad guy.

No, wonder.

They don't want to have anything to do with me, and that's not true.

None of us asked for this, we didn't.

So the you're definitely not alone and there's just so so many.

Places to pull support and love from rather than the traditional sense of family.

Angie, thank you

so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

I really appreciate you specifically talking about how you reached a place of compassion for your newfound.

Family members, even though you haven't had the opportunity to build a relationship with them and I hope that your journey continues to move in a healing and peaceful Way Forward.

Are you?

Thank you so much and the same goes to you.

Thanks again to Angie for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at.

Gmail.com will be back next week for the season 4 finale until next time.