Scarlett’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and isolating, but you're not alone and there is hope connection and Community are powerful tools as we process.

And

Speaker 2

he'll

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I started shaking and I was like, okay I'm keep yourself calm, keep yourself.

Calm, this is my mother I'm talking about here which made me even more scared because, you know, personal responsibility really just isn't her thing, you know?

And and I love her and I don't want to say anything bad about her, but she really takes some really poor judgment decisions and and I was nervous even more nervous.

So I thought about that, you know, and I thought, how could I not be my guest.

Imagine spitting into a tube.

Off your DNA and unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021 I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who are Shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP, he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Often times in the DNA surprise Community.

One npe leads to another in this week's episode, Scarlett, shares, how she learned.

She was an NP e, only to learn that.

The man her mother identified wasn't her biological Tickle father,

either

she tells us about her tumultuous upbringing, how her relationship with her raised, family and Newfound family is progressing and how she tackled processing.

Her DNA surprise.

I spoke with Scarlet in July of last year just a short time after her Discovery in March, stay tuned for an update from Scarlet, at the end of the episode.

Thank you for sharing your story,

Scarlett.

Hi, my name is Scarlett.

I am 45 years old and I'm from California.

Well and I feel like I'm still pretty new at this.

I discovered a, my DNA surprise in March of 2022, so I'm a brand new baby MP and still trying to navigate all of that.

I think it's probably best to start from the beginning of my childhood because It's sort of matters and how everything sort of plays out and my story, you know, I grew up my parents were very young out of high school just barely out of high school.

Maybe even still in high school when I was conceived and they were sort of encouraged to get married because of their Catholic faith, which I'm sure is a common story from then it became very apparent that it was a dysfunctional relationship.

My mother is a fiery personality and she can do Wrong and everything bad.

That happens is because of some other person's doing and never her decisions that create situations for herself.

So it was a very tumultuous relationship was a very dysfunctional relationship.

Drugs, alcohol yelling, screaming broken things, punching glass fighting in the middle of the night, pulling us out of bed.

Bringing us to strangers houses.

Well, it's in the middle of the night.

It was just It's very traumatic, moving hiding the whole thing.

And when my parents finally divorced, I was nine years old and I was feeling a bit of relief because the back-and-forth was over and I hate to say I'm glad my parents divorced but for us and for me it was I thought it was the best thing because it was no more back and forth, we can build our lives from here.

I'm okay with this.

He's just down the street.

So let's just do this and we were court-ordered then Go to my father's house every other weekend.

And at that point we went there every other weekend.

My mom and my dad did have a younger brother so he is my dad and my mom's full child.

So my brother and I would go there every other weekend, they just lived their lives and we just happened to be there.

So we just counted down the minutes and days.

There's no cell phone.

Finally, they got us like a Sega game.

And I was so grateful for that because there was just Just was like living in a museum and we weren't allowed to touch anything and we would that dirty children who came every other weekend and it was very painful and lonely.

And when I got old enough, then to have friends over, I took full advantage of that.

And when I was able to drive, I was grateful as all.

Could be, I just did my own thing.

I was able to work.

Be busy and just show up there at night because I was courted to be there every weekend and you know, it was better when I got older Meanwhile my My stepmother and my dad had, my dad had a step son and daughter who were older than me.

So they were sort of D teenagers and doing their own thing.

We were not close at all.

They did their own thing.

I didn't see them very often and it was fine, whatever.

Yeah, but boy was I, the step kid.

I was definitely outside of the circle.

I did not belong in there at all that.

I kind of attributed that to my step – if you will and so it wasn't a huge surprise to me that I sort of was just on the outside and I was just an object sitting.

And I living room till Sunday afternoon when I could gratefully go home.

My mother went through relationship after relationship did eventually get remarried to my stepfather who was very, very abusive.

I luckily, it was only hit a few times, but really it was the screaming and the yelling, it was the standing on your toes pointing a finger at your nose, touching your nose, while screaming profanities at you, every single day about everything and it was Hell, I just wanted to run away.

It was extremely painful.

So I was either ignored in one house and or I was abused in another we moved.

I probably went to I've removed schools probably two three times every school year up until sixth grade, some schools more than once, and sometimes with my grandma.

We would just always people always moving from place to place until my mother married.

My stepdad had six in sixth grade, and that was horrible.

They had to kids that were 12 and 14, 15 years younger than me, and they were part of your.

So, they party party party and I was meant to take care of their kids and my brother.

And I was there words to children are to be seen and not heard and do as I say, not as I do.

And so, I took care of their kids.

I took care of their friends kids when they drop them all off and just groups of kids.

Well everybody.

Came home, super drunk and I just manage that 2:00.

Feedings of an infant.

The whole horrible thing.

While being just abused, it was horrible.

So when I was 15, I went and got myself my first job and my goal was to get out of this house.

I knew my parents loved me, and my extended family love me.

They would tell me, they loved me.

And they, and I knew that they did.

It was just, they had their own troubles.

And so being really present in the whole parenting.

This wasn't really a thing.

They just had their own troubles.

And I'm not saying that because I live this life that I wasn't loved.

I was, and it also made that sort of confusing.

I was loved why I am treated like this.

So when I was 15, I got a job and oh, I just loved working and I got more than one job and I got really busy working and I was taking all the money that I earned and I would buy stuff for an apartment.

My dream was to have my own apartment with peace and calm Joy.

That's what I wanted, so bad.

So I a secretly hidden things in my closet plates.

Towels things won't work.

And I just could not wait until the day.

Well, one time I was about 17 and I told them my stepdad again, was just pointing in my nose.

Just about them leaving a dryer door open, or something complete while dressing his children for school.

But and I never I left and I never went back and I lived with people I work with since I worked so much.

And I worked in places where College people, let worked.

I was still in high school and I moved out and I started paying rent and sharing apartments with people who are older than me, I was only 17.

I was still in high school and I worked and I built a life for myself.

And I graduated high school and I went to college and I bumbled my way through that, like no one's business.

It was just, I had no idea what I was doing and just doing really poorly in school.

I did the very best that I could do.

Myself in a sorority, which was a really interesting place for me.

I learned a lot.

I couldn't relate to these lovely young, ladies who had a very different life experience than me.

So, I had a lot of anger.

I was like resentful and it was my fault.

I didn't get along very well with people because I was an angry person who just couldn't understand their problems when I was, like, writing checks to live there myself with my own money.

Will, their parents took care of everything that a chip on my shoulder.

I take full responsibility for That I did not.

I just sort of almost around and was like, this is not the place for me, but I learned a lot.

There were a lot of really wonderful people there.

I just couldn't reach them at the time, you know, because of the place I was in at the moment.

So, continue to work and figure out school and I met my now, husband we moved on.

I'm graduated with my Master's Degree and my undergraduate degree in San Francisco.

We moved away.

It was the best decision I ever made.

I learned so much about myself.

We ended up breaking up for a year.

To and I just found myself.

I traveled the world and I did things that I did not ever think we're going to be a part of my reality.

And I started just creating this person about who I wanted to be in what I wanted to be and and we ended up getting back together again and we got married and we moved back home and that is a part.

I struggle with a little bit because the proximity to some of the dysfunction was a little bit much, I created boundaries the best that I could the household.

Was very dysfunctional.

I'm not mine.

I had a lot to learn about how to parent and, and to be the close, by was a little bit of a

challenge.

So you were close to your mother again, and your father Rock, stability, and physically.

Yes.

So, and again, I knew they loved me.

And I had this this obligation, not sure where it came from.

But this obligation to honor your parents, honor your elders and I allowed them to become ramp parents, my father, and my stepmother.

Loved and relished being grandparents and just doted on the kids and I just took it and said great.

I'm glad I'll do that.

I'm okay with that.

My mother had a heart has a hard time relating to kids.

She doesn't relate to kids very well and did her best.

She loves our kids, but our kids are like Grandma doesn't really know us very well liked mmm, she just doesn't get us, you know, and I'm like well she's doing her best.

She loved you and that's all.

She's got to give.

You.

And so we're just going to accept that and love her back and figured out how to parent and how to love my kids deeply how to immerse myself in their lives and be a part of their daily journey and enjoy and have joy and peace.

And, and, and confidence that every day was going to be a safe place for them.

And it was just the most peaceful part of my life.

And we, my kids were involved in many activities and we were not only there, but we were there.

And Club president and this, and that, and the fundraisings chair, and the there with them, my husband's family is normal and loving and supportive in a way that it's still boggles my mind.

So, wonderful group of people that I just could not have.

I couldn't love more than I do, then my stepmom and my dad divorced and my father, it done some really ugly things in the past and it was just too much for us and throughout the years.

And you know, whenever they break up or fight my dad would call me.

Tell me all the sort of details, I did not want to know any of that and I would drop what I was doing in San Francisco, and I would come home and help and then they get back together and do that over.

Nope.

Until finally, I was like, they got back together again and my dad was like, we're back together.

Oh my God, we're so happy and I'm like, wow, this is like the sixth time this year.

I just is this the right choice for you.

Or he does this make you happy and he goes, if you had have in your heart, you would understand.

Because now they were super Just so they got a divorce.

Now finally this is 20 years later they get a divorce and now suddenly my dad need to give me and he's extremely unwell.

In his wife has loved and found herself a new wife and all of a sudden he's at my door and I am suddenly responsible for him for everything.

Money time is in the middle of covid.

We were learning how to give him dialysis, my kids were online, my career went from face-to-face.

Meant to online and teaching 90 students how to do that along with their supervisors and create something from nothing.

Doing the same things.

Everybody else was doing direct during covid.

I did sleep.

I didn't eat.

He moved in and my husband and I are fighting now because he's like what is he doing here?

And I'm like, where else is he going to go?

We get him his own apartment and I'm just we're paying for stuff and it's outside of our budget.

So meanwhile we get them into an apartment.

We had a routine whoo-hoo.

Going back to school and I started going back to work and I'm moving along, I have got my dad, an apartment and he's just down the street so I can be his caregiver without being in the home, which was the best thing for us.

And my mom was like, you should do this. 23 me, your brother and your sister and I did it and we are finding all out about my grandmother and my grandmother, my mom's Mom was adopted and we never really knew and it was interesting because my My my children are Asian and Caucasian and half whatever I am.

And I don't even know what I am to my grandmother was adopted.

There's not a lot of history and so my girls work with him.

I am like a smoothie.

I don't know.

I'm a whole bunch of stuff and I'm like, well, we know you're 50 percent Asian so, but I don't know what I am and I never had time to do that before.

I love learning all about the history.

And when I was able to learn how to drive and drive to my grandparents, on my dad's side, I would actually go spend time with them so I don't see them very often but the divorce and all that.

So when I Also have, I want to know who are you?

What did you do?

Like, your parents are German and you lived on a farm.

Like I wanted to know everything about my grandparents, but my grandmother on my mom's, I didn't know.

So my mom was like, Hey Santino, you have more time you should do this.

When hearing me we did it.

It was so fun and we have family going back to the 16th century.

Now, I'm we didn't know anything about Grandma before and people from all over the world are collaborating on that side of the family, you should try it and I was like, okay, we'll have I feel like I can focus on that.

My kids are older.

They don't need me. 24/7.

Everything's ironing out, I feel better.

I did it and found 23 me, I found nothing that unusual.

I found my sister, my half-sister my half-brother.

I saw my mom and my grandparents in just it just went all the way through and I was so fascinated and then I looked up my genealogical makeup and I was like, okay, Irish Scottish English?

That's all my mother.

She's like completely only that and then I was like, hmm.

My father was Half German.

I mean, my grandmother's parents came from Germany and do not speak English.

And I'm like, I have like 0.2% something know.

So you knew there was no question about the German Heritage on your father's

side.

I easily pass for them.

They have very specific features.

I do not share with them.

There's there's there's very specific eyes, nose and ears, they all have holy hair, I have curly hair but there's toe like towhead blond with a couple of Brown haired people in there.

So literally I could totally fit.

It wasn't my on a wise, but they're not the same.

And at a giant unibrow with long brown, eyelashes, which was not on that side of the family at all, but I thought my grandmother was a little bit darker complected and had some of that.

So I thought I really didn't think of it before.

I thought I mean I could pass for either like a mixture and I have my mother's face and everybody who sees and he says you look just like your mother and I went and that's why I always knew I had my mother.

Mel's, my her face not her eyes as much.

Maybe who shape of her eyes, but, and her curly hair.

So I never thought of it.

Never, I texted my aunt, real quick.

I said, so tell me what Dad and you know, Dad is again and she told me 100% durman on one side and level on the other and I was like, oh thanks so much.

I'm just, you know, looking around and just trying to see this this thing and this project whatever made something and I called my mom and I said, hey Mom, I did the 23andMe that you had recommended that I do.

And I'm not seeing any German at all and man, grandpa, I mean, grandma was 100% German, can you?

That is so weird.

I'm not sure what to think of that.

And she I'm at work and she says, okay, this is what happened and all of a sudden it was like a tunnel and I am standing there.

She says I was super young, I didn't know what to do.

I was dating two guys.

One of the guys was someone I didn't see really going anywhere and then there's your dad who Seemed to have his act together at the time and I chose one that went with it.

Okay, wow.

So if there if you can Envision vision and I'm like an invisible string or a tether that tethered you to the person, you thought you were the family and connections that you thought you had snapping suddenly it was so intense.

I almost I fell back and thank God.

My office chair was sitting right there to catch me because I just literally found myself in my office.

Chair.

Just going.

Are you what?

I did and I nearly got infuriated because I thought to myself, I'm 45 years old, I thought I had it figured out and was able to break the cycle and create something new and wonderful.

And I'm still getting the seepage of my old life into my good life.

My new current life and the life I created and shows and worked so hard to establish.

Yeah and then I became really angry.

What did you say to your mother?

Or I drop some

F-bombs.

First of all, I learned early.

You don't contradict my mom.

You don't question my mom.

My mom did everything, right?

And every soul, every problem that ever happened was because of something that happened to her.

And so I learned early not to do any of that but I just came out said are you blah blah but I'm not.

I started using language.

I typically do not use, I could do realize I am 45 years old.

I am a caregiver for a person that I'm not that close with and really feel a burden and Distressed because and I'm bringing out all this stuff because becoming a caregiver to my father.

I was, I have serious serious, but I'm in therapy over it.

Syria is not an easy thing for me.

I'm not someone who's a willing person, I'm participant in that process.

But I want to be gracious and I want to do the right thing, but that's the first thing that came to mind as you trapped us together.

And I don't want to be

there.

Yeah.

When you mentioned that he needed a kidney, did he come to you that kidney?

Did you know test or I

won't?

And and I just I phrased it as and I just would be if I didn't know, right?

And so I can stay as, you know, if my children and this is before we knew, I told me, I told I'm a second one.

You know, if you have a kidney disease I could have it.

That, develop it later and my kids could develop it.

And I did my kidneys, to make sure that my children are taken care of if need be.

But the real reason was, is because he lives a very dishonest life, he You know, he tells all of the kidney people that he is a nonsmoker and he smokes like a chimney.

He doesn't eat, right?

Isn't follow the recommendations.

He doesn't do his dialysis on schedule.

He doesn't eat raw properly and it's a constant struggle.

And I did given up trying to say, you know, you probably shouldn't have that or, you know, smoking like a chimney and lying, so you can get someone's perfectly good kidney.

So you can smoke it to death is probably a bad idea, but I didn't ya, I don't say those things to him because I recognize His life is right now and he feels so bandhan and so alone and so scared.

And I really really don't want to just argue.

I don't want to fight with him.

So I do what I can do to make his life is good and as comfortable as possible and fulfilled as possible.

And I let him do what he wants to do.

And that's where we are right now because I just don't want to fight with him about it, so he did and I declined.

And people are looking to me, I feel like all the time, they're pretty good about it though.

Now, I think.

They

know.

Yeah, no, I mean I kind of was up first wondering what as you're telling your story is that where this is going, you learn that way and I'm sure listeners probably wondering to oh no, did she go to give him a kidney and then learn but you found out through 23andMe.

Thank goodness, I guess converts that

way.

I just ignore it and I just helped him through his process and help him with his dialysis and help him with his medications and do the things I can do.

But allowing him to do as much as he can for himself because he's more than happy to.

Need to do everything and he pushes other caregiver options away because he's like, oh my daughter will do it.

Oh, my daughter.

I was like, I have a full time career two kids.

I'm trying to enjoy this stage in my life.

My kids are now becoming more independent.

They're going to go away to college.

I should be able to go do things and not have to worry about what someone else is doing right now, but that's life, right?

And he is my dad and I'm just doing my best.

I'm really just doing my best and I'm in therapy over it.

I wish I could do two days a week.

I really don't want to do twice a week for sure, but But anyway, so that's I'm sort of just stuck and that's why I felt so stuck and I felt like I don't feel like he was super enthusiastic about being a dad because he never came to any of my school things.

Any of my anything ever ever, ever, ever.

And really wasn't involved in my life until I was married and had kids of my own and then became Grandpa and then we can we called on him about stuff our something with blow up in our garage or water would be flowing.

I'm like oh my gosh dad because he was a Tractor.

A wonderful talented contractor and he would come and help us and do these things as an adult.

And so, I felt so grateful to have that relationship with him.

That I would take anything any of it as a child none.

But I got a lot of that.

As a young adult, I mean, there were times when I was sort of like, in between housing, 18, 19 years old, and they declined me paying rent to live in their extra bedroom, for six weeks while my housing situation stabilized.

And I had some really feeling somehow hard hard feelings when they took care of a step kids to, to this day, everything in our lives.

And I'm like, okay, I'm not going to compare.

I'm not going, I'm just going to keep going and but then when I grew up and he could, it was like what he could give me was something there's water damage.

There was something going on, there's whatever and he could do that.

And that was something he was willing to do when I was grateful to just include him in that be how we could probably pay a contractor to come.

Do it ourselves.

But hmm, my Dad was interested in doing it, so it was a

path to connection, and I was so grateful for

it.

Mmm.

Anyway, so I started cussing at my mother.

I was so upset and I was like, mortified when I discovered when I was able to calm down and stop shaking that my door was open.

And my students who are adults, but probably heard my meltdown, and I had to pull myself together, I shut my door, I called my husband, and I said, I'm in crisis milk.

Something's not right with my DNA match.

I'm really confused about what to do.

My mother gave me a name of this other person.

I went home.

I don't even know how I got home.

I immediately opened my laptop at home and started Googling the hell out of the names that my mother provided to me.

And my kids then started like Whispering upstairs and like acting weird.

And then teens and I'm like a little their teens.

They are always acting weird and whispering and doing weird things so I didn't pay too much attention to.

Into it.

And so I started Googling and discovered that this person, my mother named is passed away.

Another layer of absolute.

My Fury was just compounding.

I mean, the the level of Fury I felt right now was like, I've never experienced in my life and I don't have those strong feelings anymore, like, when I grew up and it just brought me right back to the chaos of my childhood, and that made me even more angry, too, like it was just like so much in, so, I'm There goes one and I'm trying to like try not to cry like I'm like having this complete breakdown and my kids are upstairs.

My husband comes home because he was like worried about me.

He walks in the door and all of a sudden the kids meet him at the door and I was like my kids have not met dad at the door since they were five.

So something's totally up my husband walks in and he was I thought you were going to tell them and I said, tell them what, I don't even know what.

I don't even know what's happening, we weren't going to say anything until we had answers.

I don't have any answers, I don't know what I'm doing and he's like, so, Someone told them because they came in and asked me if so-and-so was their grandfather or not?

I say girls, what's happening, tell me what's happening, I don't understand.

My daughter, showed me a tick, tock that my younger sister posted outlining the entire scenario to the entire world and I probably found out 30 minutes ago and I don't even have any answers yet, and have you ever heard a genie?

I'm sure, you know, brene Brown.

Did you bring me out or atlas of the heart?

There's a word called Jewish often fruit or Alden fruit or some other word schadenfreude that was it.

I remember that week, my book club that was the chapter that we were going over and I thought how ironic is that?

Because that is the emotion that I pinpointed on to that Tick-Tock that it was like that.

I was she found pleasure.

It was a moment of, I don't know, happiness for her, I couldn't believe it because I helped her through her life and I she's lived with us.

Well, expecting a child.

Child and I have helped her numerous ways and have been there for her through all of her poor decision-making.

Because I mean she has a lot of a similar traits as my mom and really struggles sometimes in life because of her upbringing and I couldn't believe it, my husband did only what he could do and he was sending my sister texts, take it down, take it down, you're hurting her I'm bawling my daughter's or like crying.

And we're all like embracing and little my living room and my youngest Here goes what is happening right now.

I don't understand what is happening.

It's like, imploding are like I don't understand and it was so mind-boggling.

You just all cried together for just hours.

What did your sister say?

She was like, oh my gosh, I took it down and she felt bad about it, but I don't believe that she did it maliciously.

I think she just need, she's a lot younger than I am, and she grew up in the Ocean of posting everything that people don't need to know online and that's her and that's fine.

But keep me out of it.

She felt badly.

She wasn't.

She didn't think first she wasn't trying to hurt me but it she hurt me deeply.

Yeah, and so I told her I forgive her and I realized where she was coming from and I understand that she just made a bad choice and we all make bad choices and I just sort of forgave her, but I can't say that we that I feel the same way for her and I mended They were, I need to be but I want to give her grace and I won't allow her to, to be in our lives.

I do love her, and but right now, I had to set that aside.

I had to sort of set it aside and

yang for anyone listening, we're recording this at the end of July.

So we're only a few months out for Scarlett, so it's very fresh

still.

They, she posted that to talk 30 minutes after my Discovery.

And I was just like I mean it was horrific horrific so she took it down and whatever and I see her around but I'm just I can't I had to like take that compartment.

Thank goodness for my therapist and sort of set that aside.

So I set that aside and he said, I did what I did, I needed to do and I said, what I needed to say.

Now, I need to deal with the next situation, which is who is my dad?

Who is my biological father?

So I ordered An ancestry test and I'm just zombie through my life.

I really should have taken time off.

I should have taken Not because I don't think I was functioning on all cylinders for a while.

I mean, I'm in the bathroom.

I'm crying.

I'm in my car, I'm crying.

Like I just, I don't think I did very good job at any parts of my life.

During that time, you did the best you could.

It was I was just motoring through it was just awful.

So then I get my results, I'm actually half sister which I expected as a potential because because the person who my mother named had a daughter, Daughter who is 5 years younger than me?

So I expected that and I was hopeful for that and I thought how lucky am I?

This is great, a different name, a different family of third potential that was not in the cards at first.

And so I actually felt like a sense of mourning for the other family that I had Googled stocked for so long and felt like this could be my family and now they're

not that double NP

and So I thought okay who is person.

So Google Google Facebook.

And this person is actually quite active on Facebook.

Thank goodness.

And I sat with that for a little bit and I could see the family and the family, they all live in our area.

They all live close by there in our community.

They go to our kids schools.

They did as adults, and their kids do too.

And my kids do, and the same school, the same Community, the same everything, and so I was like, okay, Okay, and so I sat on this for a little bit, my husband, I talked a long time, he's like just be real.

Sure about what you want to do, you want to bring these people in your life because your family is has not the best track record and once you bring them in you can potentially get them out and we don't know who people who are like I'm feeling overwhelmed and so I thought about it for a couple days and and I thought I need to know who this person is because I have a bunch of Health autoimmune health, history stuff that does not match anybody my family but I always attributed It to just extreme

stress because, you know, it was difficult growing up and then fight bumbling my way through college and figuring out what to do.

The very first person to do any of those things in my family and I was extremely stressed and that's where I started my anxiety issues because I was just so I always attributed some of those things to my maybe not now but before

yeah, it's easy to attribute things to something else.

And so I sent a message to this half sister and she is five years younger than me or so and sent a message to her long message about who I am and I don't want anything.

I'm just interested in medical history.

I would love to communicate with you and just learn about who you are.

Find out, who your dad is.

It seems like our dads the same dad, and and I just was just very open and a message and I could see that she was a social media person.

So it was just a message on Facebook, not Facebook messenger.

And I knew, I felt like she would be more like open to that because I understood that, that was her like, she communicates that way.

She got back to me and was lovely.

She told me everything I wanted to know.

She was excited about finding this out.

Always wanted a sister was super grateful that I took that leap and wanted to share and tell me everything I wanted to know.

So we messaged back and forth for four hours and just had a really nice sort of conversation.

And then I figured out who, you know, my bio dad.

I probably was, but I wanted to him to take a test.

So I she brought him in ancestry tests and even though I mean, God, I masked with half his family

but even backing up just a little bit.

So he's alive,

he's alive.

So my husband was like he's alive.

This is actually the better outcome.

I mean, now you can have that moment, you can have that time and so that's another reason why I decided to go ahead and message her because I feel like I don't need more family.

I have enough of my own, which Brings me some grief.

I have my husband side which is absolutely wonderful and I have a group of solid humans that are my friends and I really don't need anything more in my life.

I am just so fortunate to have it.

I have and I don't need to reach out to find more family, but yeah, but I was curious, I mean, just really just curious, so he's alive, he's alive, he's not in good health, which also prompted me to reach out sooner than later because he's Not in good health.

And so those she took the she took him to test and he had we waited for absolutely forever.

I mean it was like every forever I've had this longest test ever and he came back as like it would not inconclusive but it couldn't analyze because it like spilled in transit or something.

So there's no analyzation.

It wasn't an inconclusive.

I told her I said I cannot wait.

And by this time we're talking like and I was like, I can't, I can't.

I said if I pay for something at LabCorp You just bring him there.

She's like, yes.

What time do you want me there, we had it done by 1:00 that day.

Wow.

And the next two days later we did was 99.999 and I was like, looking back.

I'm like, duh, but I felt like I've told my mother this person's name and she does not remember at all this person's name at all.

And so sheet, my half sister asked her dad and he did not remember my mother at all like no memory and I'm like, okay well this isn't the 70s.

I'm not here to shame.

People.

You do you and you party it up.

I'm cool with that, but they didn't remember each other.

So I felt compelled to test him anyway even though I didn't match with his family and so I just like, because of that, I just feel like I really just need the paperwork.

I just can't go through any more of this without the facts and she was wonderful about it immediately after it came back, we met.

She, and I did, we met at a coffee shop and talk for four.

Then went to lunch.

Wow, this sounds strange.

But I actually, when I see pictures of when I see her or a see pictures of him, I did not like his instant connection.

It's not like I look exactly like them.

I had an unfortunate.

I plucking eyebrow.

Plucking incident in junior high and they never came back.

They actually had a giant unibrow and dark long lashes and he had that.

I feel like that's actually the only thing I got from him and health history because I've got all these really wacky.

Do health history stuff.

That has no explanation now has an explanation and so but it wasn't like this.

It wasn't like necessarily like, oh my God, we're best friends.

But it was easy, it was easy and so curious.

And she's so open.

I can ask her anything and I was so grateful and definitely wanted to spend more time with her and definitely want to hear more about him and her lie in her life and all of that.

And I find out that all the people that I've matched with, they weren't close with, they're not close with Their family.

And so, I didn't, I'm not reaching out to any of the extended family members because I don't feel a need to even though they're in my community because they're not close to them.

I don't need to be and it's I'm not searching for anything else.

I just, I found it.

I was looking for, then I hosted at my house, her husband, her kids, and my kids and went swimming and how to rid of the time and spent the evening together.

Just getting to know each other, and it was easy.

When my husband says, it's just easy, they're just easy and Chill, you know?

And I was like, yeah I know I'm so glad about that and then a couple weeks later I got to meet him at her house on Father's Day.

And it was just a barbecue in her house just her family, my family and I was it and he just we didn't have a lot of time to talk.

I felt like someone in her family, kept interrupting our conversation because I feel like they were trying not to there were trying to make sure it wasn't weird even though I kept trying to seek out that one-on-one time with him.

I couldn't seem to Get it because someone would come join us and someone would in like they were just trying to be helpful and it's so it was just really low key and just really sweet.

He just asked me for a few little bits of information and and then we just had a really nice time together and then we met again, I took them out to lunch, my half-sister in my bio dad and try to drill him a little bit.

I don't want to interview him, but I want to interview him.

I'll just going on it and I want to know what his favorite colors are.

I want to know what his Music is, I want to know what he did with his wife.

I want to know what his likes and dislikes.

And history is so much.

I just really just want to interview him, but that's not the way it works.

So we had a really nice lunch, and we're meeting today for lunch again, after this.

Oh,

that's amazing.

So you've gotten to meet him three times or two times at this point in today's the

third.

Yes, that's correct.

Yeah, he's nice.

I mean, again, it wasn't like, oh my God, my long-lost family, I had family.

I have family, I have a dad.

He's, he's my bio dad and he's got a first name, and he's very kind and very loving and he would, he's like, I would have take care of you had, I known I would have taken care of you had.

I known this was the case.

I just didn't know.

I go, you know, my mom didn't know either, this is not, I'm not pointing fingers.

This is not someone's fault.

My mother was dishonest, but she didn't even know like it.

Then I would have known.

Without known someone else's my bio dad and not you even I mean, it still would have been wrong.

Have you learned?

Was he an involved?

Father, was he a quote good dad compared to what you had?

Or I think about that a lot and he is definitely more emotionally invested.

He took his kids in when they needed to be.

They were not married, but they were together for a long time.

They did eventually split up and he never married at all again, but he did raise.

A stepson as a saint and he raised his daughter on and off.

They like went from Mom to Dad and there was a lot of social issues.

Lots of poverty, lots of drugs, lots of alcohol, lots of issues there, but he was there every time she needed him and he is much more emotion, emotionally invested he person.

But you know, it wasn't like, oh my gosh.

My life would have been blah blah blah.

I had I been here like I think about that and I'm like And you know, and this is, this goes into my current situation with my actual mom because I thought a lot about this and I thought I could go back and say, what if whatever would have, what would my life be like, what do I regret her decision?

Did she do the best that she could and took situation given?

And I think a lot back and I go, you know, I don't know necessarily if I would change anything because if I did, I don't know where I would be right now, I've made it to a place.

That I can be happy about with a life, full of personal responsibility, joy and happiness, in my life.

And what I be there right now in any other situation, regardless of who my dad is.

I don't know, I don't really want to know because that's risk.

You, you know?

So I do feel regret in losing so much time with him now.

He's, uh, not well, physically got issues.

It's hard to spend time with him.

He's not feeling good, he's not active.

And so, I'm sad about That because I didn't get that from him with someone who really wanted to know me in the father.

My dad was just sort of caught up in his life and was sort of stuck with me.

He's a victim to maybe how to be a dad does, he know?

No.

Ok.

So this is me talking about personal responsibility and truth, right?

And here I am, and I thought a lot about this, I have every intention of telling him but in the past two years, he has lost his marriage.

His home, his financial stability, his physical.

Health, his well being emotionally and literally when I tell you I'm the only person he has left.

I am not kidding.

And so do I really want to do that to him?

He's a dark place, he's in an emotionally distraught place, he is unwell very unwell.

Like I've been with him in the hospital for 10-12 days at a time outside of my home City.

Like you know, other parts of California for 10-12 days at a time on.

Well and I couldn't bring myself to tell I do hope to be able to really soon when he's up on his feet disease.

Hopefully, now on the in going to be heading to a better place now but I don't feel right about doing.

I feel like it'd be selfish of me to do that because I want to get off my chest because I tell the truth and I do the right thing and I have personal responsibility and dang it.

I want to live my truth but I can't bring myself to do it yet.

I don't know if that's right or not.

I guess I feel like a hypocrite.

I

mean I think everyone has their theories.

Reasons and their choices.

And ultimately, this wasn't your secret, this is just the reality that you've uncovered and it sounds like you're being really sensitive to his situation before you reveal this.

I really, really feel conflicted.

And then I was, I spent some time with his sister because he was in a hospital nearby and I gratefully got to stay there with her instead of Hotel this time and she's lovely.

I mean, she's a lot of fun.

She never had kids, I'm her goddaughter.

And she passed down all these family, heirlooms started sharing all these stories with me.

And it's just, I enjoy the time with her so very much.

And I was feeling so much guilt because I'm not saying that she would disown.

You had she known, she probably be like, you're my family or my family blah.

I get that.

But I felt like such a fraud taking all of these valuable things from her home and she's looking to retire and trying to pass some debt something down to hurt somebody.

I mean she didn't have kids and so she's trusting me with these things that don't belong.

NG to me.

And so I I told myself that if I told her there's a risk, it would get out.

But also I've been trusting her to keep a secret and I feel like that's not very nice because I don't like this secret either.

So why would I make her do it too?

So I hold on to these things and someday, when I'm able to share, I'll offer them back and I will let her make that decision with all the information.

So they just remain in the boxes.

Exactly.

As she packed them and I have them in a safe place and I'm thinking, she'll probably tell me it's okay to keep them, but I want to give her a chance.

Mmm-hmm.

And but I felt just and again compiled the anger to my mother because here I am now and is emotional pickle and lying, which I don't live my life like that.

And I'm being forced to do it again for the well-being of someone and that she's doing this to me still?

Yeah, I'm just awful.

How are things with your mother right

now my mother we haven't talked on the phone since that day.

In March of 2022.

It's now July 31st 2022, but we have shared some texts, she would send me messages and she would send me, you know, funny memes.

Like, this isn't happening to be like, oh, look what I saw today.

Look at this Bulova, and I'm like, I can't with you right now.

Like I just didn't respond and I just didn't respond.

I just let her till finally, after a lot of thought and a realization that although I missed out on years and years of time, half-sister which our relationship is much different than my half my other half brother and sister because it's more of a friendship level than a mother level and more of a mother to my half-brother and sister on my mom's side and I took a good care of them for a long time and I'm a supporter of them, but this other half sister is more of a friend and I feel like I missed

out on a lot of years with my bio dad and I feel like that but I thought about it and I thought but I don't want to change who I am because That would change everything about who I am.

It would change.

Maybe?

What?

I've become it would, I don't even know what I would be.

Could be the same.

It could be exactly the same, but I don't want to think about that.

I'm buying with where I'm at, and I'm proud of what I've become and I'm happy with my little family.

And I don't want to change it.

So, I look back.

And I thought, what would she have done?

She's a teenager in the 70s.

Hey, seven in 1973 row v.

Wade became legal.

She kept me.

She made a decision to keep Me and she made the best decision that she felt like she can make it the time.

She cannot go back and change anything right now, no matter how much he may or may not want to.

And I can't ask her to that would be irrational.

So I need to just respect the fact that she chose to keep me.

She did the best she could even though really wasn't always the best choice.

And she loves me, she just doesn't always get it and I sent her a massive message, text saying, everything I wanted to say and then at the end and I forgave her and I understand the predicament, she was in and how it was a very difficult place to be and I can respect that and I wouldn't want to change it and there's nothing you can do about it now.

So let's just move forward.

And she was like, I love you.

I'm so grateful.

Thank you so much and that was The end, and now she just sends me means again, like I just like nothing but she did.

Yeah, thank you.

And she said she was grateful and she loves me and we haven't talked still, and it's back to our normal surface sort of distant dish relationship.

And that was that compartment.

So I'm sort of like I'm a logical thinker with a list in my head and I had all these little things I needed to take off.

So it was like I had some things going on in my career that I had to focus on.

So I had to sort of put Aside.

And then I had you know by now the bio-data is get to know who this person is figure out this figure out this and now my last sort of quote Frontier so that I can really move forward is to be truthful with my dad, my birth certificate another.

Yeah, I wish I could do that today but I just don't feel like it's the right time and that's partly why you know I'm struggling right now but that's sort of where I'm at the moment.

What do you hope Becomes of your relationship with your bio dad and your newfound sister?

Our first of all, I want to just recognize how grateful I am that.

They have been so open and honest and caring, and respectful of my need to step back, step forward, whatever position I think.

So I did have to put them on the side when I was at the hospital with my dad and for some work stuff, I was like you guys.

I'm not ignoring you, I just I can't right now.

I never liked good.

I just hope to have a just a friendly relationship.

You know, take time away, celebrate our holiday.

Is together have a friendship with my half-sister.

She's joking, really just lovely and might you know, spend lunches and time with my bio dad, but a lot of time was lost and I don't know what the the future is going to hold, but I feel like what I've got now is heading in the right direction and I'm comfortable with that.

It's just one of the most earth-shattering things that have ever happened to me.

And I've been through a lot.

That it's messes with your identity and I thought, I knew who I was.

What

advice would you offer to a parent who might be?

Keeping a DNA surprise from their

child?

I just don't think that there's ever.

A good reason, I feel like is never a good time for sure.

Never a good reason, but I think that I would have preferred just the truth.

I would have preferred just to known you know just been in one of the other million things that happened in my childhood.

I would have handled it better.

I would have had opportunities to choose to be in a relationship with this person or not.

I would have had choices and so it's just better to know even if it's hard.

There's never a good time.

Just, just be honest.

Yeah, to follow up on that because I think actually our situations are similar which is that our mom's didn't really know there was uncertainty, would you have wanted to know?

That uncertainty, I'm not sure who your father is versus.

I'm going to pick

one.

Yes, because when the one that was picked wasn't really involved in really really involved in my life.

He was court-ordered, he was, you know, present to, you know, you let me deal with are on every other weekend and then of course, was better at growing up, which is wonderful.

But yeah, I would have rather have known.

I could, it would be a quest at some point in my life.

To find out who that is.

I would have, I would have wanted to know.

Yes, yes, I would

have thank you.

And your advice here is just going to be so helpful because you are just a few months into it.

But I can tell that you've really dived into processing and working through it.

So what advice do you have for someone who just found out that they're in npe

the biggest life?

So I'm fortunate enough to have friends and family, who support me and love me and Have given me what?

I need, whatever it is at the moment.

But what I discovered was most helpful in the reason I decided to come on and share my story, even though I'm not super enthusiastic about putting all my stuff out there is these podcasts.

These podcasts have been a lifesaver.

I just identify with people in the situation and at first when you first discover what an MP is and you find yourself in this, predicament, you feel all alone.

Like this is the craziest story, no one's ever heard of before and then you discover, oh my gosh, there are so many People out there I can resonate so much of every story, resonates with me somehow or another reading the books, going to therapy all those things.

I read all the books.

I listen to all the podcasts, listen to all the stories did all the therapy, and I did all of those things.

And I feel like I have made a lot of progress because of it.

And I highly recommend you at all all of it because it's saved me from, I don't know, what kind of dark place I would be in right now.

Thank you for sharing that Scarlett.

Thank you so much for

On and sharing your story, especially so new into your journey.

I think it's really amazing to hear from someone who's really in that initial Aftershock, going through it and doing the work and you're not alone and I wish you continued healing and peace and a really wonderful relationship with your newfound, family.

Thank you, thank you for doing these podcasts Alexis.

I just really, it's just a lifesaver to me so I just thank You for everything that you're doing for all the MPS out there.

And now here's an update from Scarlet

after talking with my therapist and my family I decided to finally tell my birth certificate.

Father the reason for this is numerous number one he has the right to know too.

I am an honest person and keeping any secrets seem wrong especially when it includes info about

others.

Three.

I am trying to teach my teen daughters, that living a life of honesty and integrity is important, but I am asking them to lie to their grandfather for it isn't my dang secret.

I birth certificate.

Father was sad, of course, but he seemed to recover rather quickly.

Once he realized that I am still here and have been for the seven months since my Discovery.

Our relationship is exactly the same.

He is my dad.

Told the entire family on his side and they were amazing.

All expressed only love and support.

Nothing is weird and I have been fully accepted the relief and joy cannot be described.

I also admit that I am very fortunate.

Now the wacky part, we have a family reunions for my birth certificate Father's Side.

Scheduled for December at my house.

My birth certificate father extended an invite to my new house.

Half sister and her family.

She quickly accepted, they accept her and want to know her.

Additionally, I threw a surprise party for my husband, and my new half sis, her husband attended, and met our friends.

I could not ask for more at this point.

I hope my story gives others hope best Scarlett.

Thanks so much to Scarlett for sharing that update.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share.

R, please email DNA surprises at gmail.com until next time.