Kiara’s DNA Surprise

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Love makes a family dinner is not what makes a family, but when you're honest and confident, and transparent about your your family and where we all came from kids, can live happy successful, you know, thriving lives and you can do your best to support them throughout their life and in provide them what they need to do.

They need more information to the any more support, you know, how do they need help processing this information.

Imagine spitting into a tube sending.

Your DNA and unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021 I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shot.

Shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of npes adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Welcome to the season 3 finale of DNA surprises.

In this week's episode Kiara shares her journey as she connected with her fellow, donor conceived, siblings, and eventually her donor Kiara discusses the importance of her chosen family, which is also the name of her brand new book and how her mother's openness about using assisted reproduction.

Informs her views of donor conception and family structures.

She also reveals a DNA surprise.

That she didn't see coming.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Kiara,

my name is Kiara shoe.

I am 25, and I am from Chicago.

First off.

Thank you for having me, Alexis.

It's a joy to be here, and share a little bit about my story.

My story pretty much goes back to the beginning.

I am a donor conceived person, a DCP for short.

My mom is a single mom by choice.

So she in her Her late 30s, early 40s decided that she wanted kids and she pursued having kids through the use of a donor.

So she used a bunch of fertility, doctor and used a donor to conceive, my brother.

And then two years later when she was almost 42 went back and used a different donor to conceive me and so I grew up always knowing that I was doing or conceived I grew up knowing that I didn't have a father in the home and my mom used the term Are pretty early on.

So I always knew kind of that.

You know, my biological father was the donor.

That helped my mom conceived her kids and knowing from a really early age, really helped me understand and be comfortable with our familial situation and that's definitely something that I've always been grateful for just her instilling the confidence in me and my brother of our family.

So that was definitely something that I've always known.

And I know sometimes when you talk about DNA, Surprises.

Sometimes it's a surprise about a parent and my surprises come mostly, from The Sibling aspect.

So, when I was 21, so I was a senior in college.

I decided to pursue finding any donor siblings out there and I'd always wondered if I had donor siblings and I also wondered what my donor looked like.

I never really needed to find him to have a relationship.

Not necessarily what I was.

For mostly wanted.

I was curious, you know, I was curious about my DNA Roots.

So I did 23andMe and started with one sibling.

I found one something right off the bat, which was probably the most exciting day of my journey.

Especially because, again, I knew that I might have siblings out there.

I was still surprised because I didn't know what I was going to find, but that was like a very exciting and positive experience.

And then the next thing I found she actually didn't know that she was done.

Her conceived.

So she did 23andMe grew up with a mom and a dad and found out that she was donor conceived through 23andMe and also slightly through me so she obviously saw on her profile that she had siblings and asked me, you know, kind of how are we related?

And the conversation got going and then she realized that she was also donor conceived.

So that was the prize number one to me just kind of walking through that revelation, Yeah.

And like feeling those emotions, the

first sibling that you made contact with, they knew that they were donor conceived.

And so it was just this cool connection.

Is that right?

Yeah.

And then the second one, she learns that she's donor conceived after taking 23andMe matching with siblings and matching with you.

What was that conversation?

Like, I honestly think I might have gone into this a little bit ignorant.

Mostly because I figured You know, since I and I didn't know a lot of donor can see.

People growing up, I knew a few but but they had all known, you know, we are connected because we were all donor conceived.

So I honestly didn't think that I would find a sibling that didn't know.

And now I look back and I'm like, woah, you probably should have maybe even a little bit more careful in the words that you're using, or the information that you were kind of throwing on your sibling, but when I connected with her on 23andMe, I just sent her a message saying, hey, I'm your sister Like looks like we're related, nice to meet you and she was like, you know, I didn't really come on here, looking for siblings.

Do you know how were related?

And and I kind of went back to her and said, well, I'm donor conceived.

I'm not sure about you.

And, you know, she went back and talked to her parents and then they let her know that she's also doing her conceived.

Wow.

How did she take that?

Yeah, that was I think a hard time and I remember you for me, obviously, the one not being like, given crazy new information about my family.

I was crying just in fear for her having to go through this and, you know, she message back and she's like, I'm super excited to get to know you, but I definitely need some time to process.

Process.

And, you know, after a couple months, she reached back out and and asked if I'd like to meet her.

So she came up to Chicago and then I went to Nashville to visit her and got to meet her mom as well.

So I think in the beginning you know I I can't imagine obviously the information and trying to process that and navigating family and feelings and like the secrecy that was had for so long along.

Now obviously the truth being out there but I will say, now, you know, she does talk about it very openly, and she does celebrate that, you know, even though her her family, that she grew up with is not biologically related to her, they did, you know, choose to be her family and maintain that relationship.

So I know she's gotten a lot of support from her sisters, and her parents and and processing, all of this.

So for you, it's always been a part of your life.

You always knew.

Did you have any Stigma growing up about being donor conceived and being raised by a single

mom honestly.

No, I think.

And the reason why is my mom was very, very straightforward and explaining our family dynamic in our structure and very, very confident when she explained it.

So, you know, whenever we'd meet a new person and they would comment, oh, you know, your daughter looks so cute.

Did she get her blonde hair from her dad, or something like that?

And you My mom and we didn't explain it every time but my mom would just be like, oh actually, she's donor conceived, and she would, and I'm a single mom by choice, you know, we're a family of three.

So watching her just be very vulnerable and transparent and just like share her story confidently, it very much gave me the reality that our family was normal.

So high I really like to celebrate, you know the differences and and I firmly believe that no family you know family comes in all shapes and sizes.

Is has and no one is better than the other.

So, as long as you know, we're open and transparent than honest, about where we all came from, like, family is beautiful, no matter what it looks like.

It's really interesting to hear this perspective from someone that knew their whole life and maybe how different that is for.

For example, your sister who learned much later in life, that she was donor conceived and how those emotional experiences can differ from that lack of

transparency.

So to this day, I found we know that there is around 23 of us, all right?

At this point, there could be more out there and about eight of us are connected and have met in person.

So we try to get together as a Sibling Group, the eight of us that want to be connected on a yearly basis.

We've had to meet up so far and during those times it is really great and interesting to hear each sibling kind of share about.

Out, when they found out how they found out, how they feel about being donor conceived, some new, their whole lives.

Some obviously found out later in life and everyone's parent structure looks different to and siblings.

So, my siblings have siblings born through different donor.

Some of them have siblings who are adopted who their parents had biologically, from their mom and dad, and they all kind of found out on a different way.

So, it is really interesting to hear, kind of how we all feel about it and Andre,

I

think we were all just so grateful that we did find each other, we find great comfort just knowing that we have this shared experience.

So you mentioned you found was it 23?

Or there's 23 of you.

There are at least twenty three of us.

So we I we've found basically through ancestry 23andMe donor, selling registry, and the registry from our sperm bank that we found 23 of us total.

What do you think of that?

Because I know that off.

Often times fertility clinics, say that there's a limited number of people that can be, can be created from donor gametes. 23 seems like quite a few and there could be more.

Like you said, what are your thoughts on that?

Yeah, so I'm very much someone who loves to celebrate family and celebrate, this biological connection and, and really talk about chosen family, you know, the family that you grew up with.

Regardless of biological relation that, you know, chooses you, and you choose and then same thing, even my siblings, you know, we're biologically related, but we're choosing to have this relationship with each other, but I definitely do think too that there is a lot of room for improvement in regulation around, you know, donor game meats and the fertility industry.

Something that I definitely also was unaware of prior to this whole journey as well.

I am grateful for the strides that have have been made in the last 20 plus years, but I know that there's a lot more work to do as well.

Yeah, yeah, I've definitely learned a ton, you know, just through connecting with people such as yourself and kind of being in this DNA, surprise Community, where I'll admit, I was pretty ignorant.

Like, I didn't realize that there weren't really limitations, you know, that works really enforced and, and things like that you've connected with eight of your siblings.

How is that going?

You said to meet up so far?

Have you?

Anything about them, that's made you feel connected or like, oh yeah, we're definitely

related.

It's funny too, because the first time I met my first sibling, it was just an incredible experience that I had never obviously have before.

And one of those when you're going into the Meetup, I had gone to the restaurant that remaining at first, in, in New York, and I was kind of thinking, okay, do I sit at the table?

Do I sit at the booth?

Do I take my jacket off to My jacket on.

Do I stand up when they get here or do I stay seated?

Do I hug them?

Join a hug them and that it was just one of those when you're going in your mind.

Like, how do I approach this?

Because not a story and not an experience.

That is really talked about that much in society or that everyone has, you know, meeting a sibling, 20 years into your existence.

And immediately once I saw my sibling, it was just like a flood of emotions, all happy one.

And we hugged and just shared Can choose and had masks on mules and just really talked about our lives and I could see myself in them as I do a lot of my siblings.

Some of us look one of my sisters and particularly we look identical, which is crazy because you know, we only share half of the same DNA but I when I see her I very much see myself.

So it has been interesting.

There's definitely some things who I look more like some that I Look less alike.

And also some that our personalities are spot-on.

Very similar, which I wouldn't have thought of again because you think of Personality, maybe something that you were raised to have more of that nurture versus nature.

But it's just been such a joy to find commonalities and, and things that we have in similar.

Have you learned anything about your genetic parent?

Your father?

Yes.

So, I will also say On this journey.

So I did go into it, curious about my donor, and again, I went into it, not necessarily looking for a father more looking person answers.

I was curious and wanted to see if he was out there and if his information was out there.

So after I found my first two siblings, that was back in 2019, I kind of didn't find any other siblings for a little bit and then I'm back in 2021 I found one brother on 23andMe who had connected with eleven twelve other siblings through you know ancestry DNA sibling registry the fertility Bank sperm bank registry site so he had kind of, you know, connected with all of the other siblings.

So that was another surprise where I was letting him in.

I thought I was letting him into the family.

I do, you know, we have this silly and we have this sibling their great.

I've met them.

And he was like, oh, we actually have like 15 other siblings do you want to join our Facebook group and I was like, what?

Sure and I also and I were just messaging back on 23andMe and I remember the day I was getting cake because I was I was a Friday and I was working from home and I was like, I deserve some cake today, absolute a long week as one does on a Friday afternoon and I was driving and that's when I had seen the message.

So I'm like screaming.

In my car and I'm sure people walking by thought I was a nut job and I message back saying, oh, do you have any information on our donor and he responds back saying, oh, you don't know who he is.

Yeah, you can have them on Facebook and told me his name.

And immediately I'm like on Facebook, like suck, like searching for him trying to search as fast as I could to see his picture.

And literally there, it was like the information that I was looking for.

Oh my gosh.

Have you spoken to him?

I did.

So, I took a little bit of time, kind of to think about what I wanted out of either relationship with him or just a conversation.

I knew that he had met some of my half-siblings before.

So I knew he was very open to chatting and again had met some of them.

So I was pretty happy with that.

I knew I had kind of put myself in mentality like this man could want nothing to do with me, and I'm going to have to deal with.

If that.

But, you know, he was actually the complete opposite, which was very refreshing.

And I was something I was thankful for, so I reached out and basically almost a year ago around Thanksgiving and I just said, you know, hope you're enjoying the holidays, I hope you don't mind but some of my siblings have given me your information and I would love to, you know, learn a little bit more about you if that's okay.

And if that's if you would like to just remain at an arm's like this, since that's As well.

Just let me know and we ended up chatting and really just getting to know each other a little bit and having a phone call as well.

And then this past may, my mom and I were actually in the town that he lives in.

And so we ended up getting dinner with him and his daughter that he has with his wife, which was such an incredible opportunity to share that with my mom and also him and his daughter.

So this is your genetic sister.

Yeah,

absolutely.

Hmm.

What did she say?

Think of this.

So first off, she is probably the most mature and self-aware eighteen-year-old that I've ever met.

As I'm 25.

She's 18.

I'm the youngest of the donor conceived siblings that we found.

So, I've always wanted a younger sibling, so this is exciting for me and and again, I had never because she's a little bit younger.

My donor had said that he just told her in the last few years.

So pretty new information for her and the way that she is And it was, you know, At first, she was like my dad, did this.

No.

Could it be?

That could not be real life and then she kind of moved into this space of indifference of okay?

Like, I know they're siblings out there but they don't have really you know, wants to do with me.

And then she kind of moved into this state of curiosity.

She said that she was curious and wanted to know more.

She saw some of us on Facebook and Wanted to get to know us.

So when her dad said that, she thought he was going to meet me and my mom, she asked if she could join and now and then towards the end of dinner, she was like, you know, normal is boring.

I'm very happy that I got to meet you and she said that she would love to meet more of the siblings and grow our relationship.

So it was also an interesting Dynamic to because with our donor siblings, you know we all love Look at our biological, father quote-unquote as our donor versus.

Obviously, this is her dad, so we didn't want to necessarily cross any boundaries, but I also wanted her to feel welcome because, obviously, she's learning.

She had a surprise to you that she has all these siblings welcoming me into this dinner with her.

And her dad was just such a nice gift to be able to share that with them.

That's incredible.

And how

cool that you experienced that with your mom too?

What is She think of you, finding all of these

siblings.

My mom is honestly, the best.

She has been so supportive.

And the best thing that she, I feel like he's gotten out of it.

She's actually connected with some of my siblings, mom's some of my siblings also have single moms by choice.

Some of my siblings, have two moms or a mom and a dad and especially to moms in particular.

She's been able to meet them and grow.

Relationship with them.

And she's finds a lot of similarities to them as well.

You know, they were a little bit later in their 30s, maybe 40s and wanted kids and went through the process of using a donor.

So they have a lot to talk about and my mom's very interested, you know, and meeting my siblings and has met a few of them.

So she's really been a huge rock for me to lean on.

During all of this time,

that's incredible.

You mentioned that you are.

The youngest how old is your oldest

sibling?

The this will be 29 soon.

So the app we there's about a 4-year age spread which my donor donated in college in grad school.

So it kind of matches up to the four years that all of us are a part, which is kind of a lot more fun too, because all of us that are connecting, you know, we're all around the same age.

Did your donor?

Ever, explain why he decided to

donate he did.

And that's one question.

I was a little bit hesitant asking but, you know, he was very open and said, you know, ask away whatever you want to know and his response to that was basically like, you know, I was a broke college student in grad school and it was advertised in the school paper and I thought, oh, okay.

Like this is something that I could do.

But he also what really struck me was.

He did say, you know, I thought I could help create a family.

And that was something that, you know, more of the altruistic reason why he did it, you know, he obviously was paid as a donor, but he did say, you know, I thought it would be cool to help a family that was trying to have a child

today.

Do you still think of him as your donor?

Do you still refer to him as that or has your relationship changed in any way.

So when I'm talking about him, I do typically exclusive

Use the word donor.

It's pretty much the language.

I've used my whole life.

I'm comfortable saying biological father, I don't use it that often if I'm talking to him.

I usually just say his name or if I'm talking to my siblings I usually just say his name or people in my family that know who he is, but if I'm talking to someone else just so they kind of understand, you know my friend family Dynamic, that I have a mum and that I have a donor and I think it also the language.

Between me and my siblings differs as well.

What I always like to say is, you know, similar to using pronouns and you know, whatever language that we are most comfortable, we should respect that and I'm always one to ask my siblings.

You know, what do you want to be called?

Like, I call you my sister said, okay, would you like to be referred to as something else or same thing with our donor?

So

yeah, that was kind of my.

Next question is for your siblings.

How do you view your relationship with them?

Do you?

You feel like they are your sisters and brothers or how would you describe, I guess the nature of your relationship as it might, compare to the sibling that you were raised

with.

Mmm, I do consider them, my siblings, brothers and sisters.

Now, obviously, I've only connected with about eight of them, so I typically, you know, when I'm talking about them as the group at large, know, all 23, I usually refer Her to them as my half-siblings.

But especially when I'm referring to, you know, one of my sisters that I've gotten really close with or referring to the group that we get together.

I usually just say hey my siblings are coming into town for my sister.

So and so is coming into town and I think it's been amazing to see how fast and how quick our group and how our bond has grown.

And I think there's something special to be said about, you know, When your siblings, and when you have a biological relation to someone when you first meet them, you know, they're not as there are stranger, but you have this connection.

So, if I'm meeting a stranger for the first time, I'm probably not going to tell them my life story.

All of my inner feelings and every little secret about my life versus with my siblings.

It was kind of like that.

It was like we were sitting down a dinner and the first thing that pops out of our mouths were our whole life stories and I think just that vulnerability that transparency and respect has brought a A lot of all of us are at least a good chunk of us closer together for

those that you haven't connected with have they expressed any reason as to, why maybe they don't want to be in that group of the eighth that you have

most of them.

So we have a group chat there's probably 12 or so of us in the group chat maybe 13 or 14 of us.

Some of them participate in the group chat you know will say like happy birthday to whoever's birthday.

It is or sometimes the conversation will be sparked.

And so I some of them that are in it but haven't really taken the steps to meet anyone.

I think there may be just a little bit in different, you know, they're like, I have my family.

I like, you know, it's nice knowing all of you but I'm okay.

I don't need to have that relationship.

My brother actually who I grew up with we later found out.

This is another DNA.

Surprise we later.

Found out in our early 20s that we were born through the same sperm donor.

So we are actually full siblings.

And okay, let's back up here.

Let's back up.

So so I was going to ask, did your brother have any desire to find his new yags and his donor after your

experience?

So okay, what happened?

I know this is I was trying to weave it in.

But first part of the question, my brother he didn't really need to find out.

He was never You know, afraid of finding siblings or is donor, please never really interested.

He was kind of in the group of indifference, you know, he had, he has me, he has my mom, he has his close friends and he's fine with that.

I've always wanted a big family and he's, you know, kind of not wanted that.

So he's very much fine with the family that he has.

So he wasn't going to do 23andMe.

I actually bought it for him for Christmas, two years ago and I was Why don't you just do it?

You don't need to, like, take the steps to figure it out or to find anyone or meet anyone.

But wouldn't you want to know?

So I think he reluctantly did it because of me.

And when his results came back, we were at a bottomless brunch with some of our friends over the holidays, and he was just like staring at me and confused.

And he was like, yeah, Chiara, why are you showing up here and why are your half-siblings showing up on here and it took a second to click, but Realize that we were full siblings, meaning that he now shares.

These siblings with me as well.

The ones that I had been telling, oh no, my brother is not related to you.

So then I had to go back and be like, actually just kidding.

He is related to you and then I called my mom and explained it to her and what we think happened was again hopefully in the past 20 years.

You know the fertility industry has come a long way but back then I feel like there were not a lot of Gray.

Relations in place.

So, what we think happened is my mom had my brother and saved some sperm for me.

And the doctors had told her because of her age, she should use a fresh sample to get pregnant.

So she picked a new donor and and got pregnant.

And so, never really assumed anything different.

And we think that they either used the original donor, that my mom had saved or maybe mixed the two.

I know that was a common practice to mix.

Firm to see, you know, which one works and they are not my mom, they never told my mom.

So this was a surprise for her too and even though it was, you know, quote unquote, a good surprise of finding this out, you know.

I'm glad that we found out that we were full siblings instead of the opposite but it was still a shock or like how could we not know this for 20-something years?

How did that

change your perception of your relationship with him?

It didn't change our relationship too much.

Mostly because my mom growing up, never really let us.

We knew that we were biologically half-siblings because we had different donors, but she never let us feel any different.

We didn't refer to each other as half-siblings and most people probably didn't even know that we are half-siblings.

We might have made, you know, the off-color joke about it, like, oh, well, you're only my half-brother.

So leave me alone when we were kids but we never really Like it so it didn't really change how we related to one another.

But we, it did then change.

Obviously.

Now I had these siblings who I was like, oh my goodness, I've found your half-siblings to and so it was kind of nice because I could share the journey with him even though he's not necessarily interested in being a part of The Sibling Group that gets together.

He still you know will hear updates and is interested in hearing about.

About how these meetups went, so it's nice that I can share that with him, so,

that's interesting.

So he is still kind of the same opinion where he's good with the family and friends and relationships that he has and isn't as

active with the siblings as you are correct.

And I think part of me, it was like kind of hard at first because I'm with my siblings and I'm like, Oh my brother Logan and sometimes I have to take a step back because I'm like, well, Shoot, he is their brother as well.

So I try to be careful and not that any of them really care, but I try to be careful with the language that I use and say oh Logan or our brother Logan.

He's so fine, he's pretty indifferent.

I'm actually getting married and my siblings that I have met are coming to the wedding, so he will get to meet them there.

And again, I ask, you know, how do you feel about that?

And he was like, of course I you know would love to meet them.

I'm just not gonna fly across the country like You do to go meet them.

So you

touched on this a little bit earlier, but that you think that there are some strides that need to be made within the fertility, donor conception industry.

What are some of the things that you think would improve the state of things?

I think, number one, the biggest change that I have seen being made and hopefully will continue is just the encouragement from Professionals in the industry.

Three educating parents that are using a donor, to be honest with their kids and I think so, you know, my mom was a single mom by choice.

She didn't really have an option to not be honest.

Now, she probably could have left out some details, but I would have noticed, obviously, where is the man or where is the second parent in this household?

Because all my friends have two parents where is mine?

So I mean she didn't necessarily have a choice but I think other siblings whose Parents didn't tell them.

That's what they were told.

They were told that they didn't need to tell their kids that they had never find out.

And and part of me is like, okay you you still should have told your kids but at the same time I can empathize a little bit with Professionals in the industry telling them to not pull their kids so I have them happy that now with all the research that is out there parents know or at least they should know that honesty and telling from the beginning.

Is the best way to go about it and I'm glad that industry professionals are educating parents on that as well.

What do you hope for in the future with your siblings donor family, as you move forward in

life?

I think my relationship with my donor and my siblings is going to be a lot similar to the relationships.

The other relationships in my life, I have friends that I've known my entire life.

I have Few friends that I've, you know, met in the last decade or so that our relationship is ever growing.

And ever-expanding.

I think some of my sibling relationships inevitably will be closer than others.

I think that just necessarily happens and I do see, you know so my siblings being and sin uncle's to my kids.

And again I think certainly hips May expand more than others, just based based on nature.

And how many times you see each other and who you're closer?

But I am excited for the relationships to grow.

It's fun for me to, you know.

We spent 20 years of Our Lives, not knowing each other but we have the rest of our lives to live.

That's really exciting that you know we can make up for lost time and have that time together and my donor.

I do plan on staying in contact with him, we message back and forth every so often he's not in necessarily in my day-to-day life but I would like to keep that relationship going and again more like Like a friend, not as a parent but you know, he is a friend, he's a part of me.

And when I have kids one day, I would like them to meet him as well and and have him be in their lives.

So I'm excited.

I'm excited to extend these relationships and see where they go.

That's just really, really cool.

I feel like I keep saying that's incredible.

That's awesome.

But it is, it's really nice to hear this perspective.

So you've written a book and it is about Journey.

I know we touched on a lot of it here, but I'm imagining that your book goes a lot more into your experience.

So can you talk a little bit about your

book?

Absolutely.

So my book is called, chosen family subtitle a donor conceived, woman's journey to redefining family.

And its really.

So it is a memoir.

It is about my journey being raised as by a single mom by choice and my journey that I went on to find my siblings and my donor and kind of goes into a lot of the things.

Is that I talked about today, but it's also a challenge against societal views on what the traditional family is going on this journey.

I already had a sense that, you know, my family, even though Society may have thought that it was non-traditional, I thought it was perfectly normal and a great family to have just as a bunch of my siblings, think about their own families.

So, after this journey, that was proven even a little bit further and I wanted to share The world that, you know, family depends, not on the shared DNA that we have, but on love and intentionality.

And I really wanted to give readers the permission to Define family through a broader lens.

So and I did that, by writing a book, called chosen family, and it is available, you can get on Amazon.

I'm sure we can link that.

And my

website lately will put that in the show notes.

Wonderful.

But yeah, I really felt called to share my story.

So others may be We can relate and then also so people who don't relate and haven't had, this experience can understand a little bit more.

What other families look like.

that will congratulations on your book.

Thank you.

I imagine there's probably not a ton in the donor conceived space, so it's really cool that you're bringing some representation there.

And also, you know, younger voice.

I think we're going to see more and more donor conceived people, coming forward with their unique experiences.

And And your perspective on everything just seems so healthy, you know, because it's always been a part of your life.

And I think it's really interesting to see how it can be that way.

And and I do touch on to some of my siblings experiences, you know, finding out later in life.

And, and I do know a lot of the voices out there in the donor can save space.

Are that of those who found out at a later age?

And my heart, honestly goes out to those individuals and that wasn't my experience.

I do have a positive donor conceived experience.

I do love the journey that I've been on but I know that that's not the same for everyone out there so my hope is that you know I can share a little bit of my story and help others even those with young children that are donor conceived or non biologically related to a parent.

I need tips and tricks that might help them or just again how the love and intentionality and honesty can help your kids kind of process.

Information.

Well on

that note and I know people can pick up your book and get more tips and tricks.

But what is some advice that you have for recipient parents?

Who are may be unsure about disclosing their donor conception journey to their child.

So why?

I know that can be a scary journey and a lot of questions, more questions and answers.

I'm sure one thing that my mom always talks about is how she started when my brother and then myself.

But most of my brother was still in her womb.

She would just practice sharing their story when no one else is in the room and just her baby in her womb, you know.

And she would say mommy wanted a baby.

So mommy went to the doctor and the doctor helped me have you and I love you so much and then and she weaved obviously the donor end of the conversation.

You know you have there was a Owner.

That helped me conceive you.

And when we were old enough to understand biology, she would undertake explain the sperm donor and the Egg and everything.

So kids are resilient and they understand way more than we think that they do.

So my first piece of advice is just to share early practice in the mirror and the more that you shared some more comfortable.

It's going to get my mom go in every year until our features just so they could handle any situations that are rose, you know, on.

And if you're celebrating your parents or writing a card to your quote-unquote father, how they could handle that.

And the more that she talked about it, the more normal it became and she didn't really accept any room for anyone to say that it wasn't normal, which I helped think helped shape mine and my brothers look on our lives.

That's

great advice.

What advice would you have for any DCPS?

Who might be embarking on a quest to connect with?

Blings.

Honestly, the Quest for siblings has its ups and downs.

I know, you know, there's been other siblings so I have connected with who have not necessarily wanted to maintain a relationship.

Some of them you say like okay, nice to meet you, I'll reach out.

If I reach out in the future, I want to chat further and I know that can be hard.

It can be hard to have that rejection and not know if you know a siblings going to accept you as a sibling.

If Going to accept you as you know this person that they're just biologically related to or if you're going to have a relationship or again if you're not going to have any relationship at all, I would really lean on your chosen family.

So the reason why I titled my book chosen family is because it doesn't just Encompass my donor siblings and the family that I have gained on this journey, it also encompasses the people that have been there for me since day one.

We have a good chunk of family friends.

I have really been, you know, a second mother and a father to me and I very heavily leaned on all of them during this journey, you know, when I was crying when I found out that my sister didn't know she was violent or donor conceived, I called my friend and was crying to her on the phone and she was there to console me.

So really lean on the people that you love and it again, you have the possibility to Define, who is your family, and who is your chosen family?

And if that is your donor siblings.

Great.

I wish you the best of luck in those relationships because they can be so so exciting.

And if it's not, if you're maybe either not as interested or you don't find those siblings out there, you definitely have people in your life that I'm sure are is just as meaningful relationships as that of the siblings that you hope to find

more great advice.

Thank you so much.

Of

course.

thank you so much for coming on the podcast.

Sharing your story, remind everyone where they can find more information about the book and I'll be sure to include it in the show

notes.

Thank you so much for having me Alexis and everyone can find my book on Amazon by searching chosen family or also on my website.

Kiara Ray shoe.com.

My Instagram handle is also PR a shoe.

I have a lot of videos and tips and tricks and other resources on there as well.

For everyone to take a look at

well, thanks again.

And Congratulations on the upcoming

wedding.

Thanks again to Kiara for sharing her story, her book.

Chosen family is available now, and is linked in the show notes.

I also want to thank everyone else who shared their DNA surprise story this season.

Ashley Devon, Haley, Bianca, Debbie, Sharda Kim, Bonnie, Karen guy.

And Stacy, your bravery and vulnerability.

Helps others feel less alone and finally thank you to everyone who has taken the time to listen to an episode or send me a note.

This podcast is truly a labor of love and I appreciate every one of you.

I know this time of year can be challenging for some in our community, but I hope you all have a peaceful holiday season.

Stay in touch over on Instagram, at DNA, surprises or DNA surprise retreat.

If you have a DNA surprise story, you'd like to share, send me an email at DNA surprises at gmail.com, we'll be back with more DNA, surprise stories in January, until next time.