Kristin’s DNA Surprise

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Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

My mother had kidney disease and years.

And years ago, I had gotten tested to be a donor.

And my mother's friend had told me that recently that when I was going through, all the testing that she had mentioned that she was nervous.

That there were some be something that would come back.

That would make me question.

Wait a minute, why is my blood type this or why is, you know, but I was a perfect match for her.

So she got out, imagine spitting into a tube send.

Off your DNA and unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021 I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who are A shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP, he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

When I spoke to Kristen late last year, or npe was relatively new.

And this episode, she discusses, how she's navigating her recent discovery, she shares the challenges of not being able to talk to her mother recently passed and hesitation, she has about connecting with her Newfound family.

Thank you for sharing your story, Kristen.

My name is Kristen and I am 49 and I am from Rochester, New York.

So I am back.

And I think 2012, I went out ancestry just to start messing with building a family tree did that on and off over the years but I've always wondered like more about my ethnicity and you know just wanted to just do the family tree and you know, I knew one day I wanted to do the DNA.

I don't remember what year that came out, but I just know that I wanted to do it at some point, and my mother knew that fast forward to this year.

My mother passed away in January and I don't know what made me decide to do the DNA this year, but I did that, my results in July and me and my husband were out in the garage was a Friday night.

I remember it, like it happened literally five minutes ago, it's very Vivid in my mind and five people.

Not as man says, to just said very close matches and three said they were first cousins.

And I was like, I know all my first cousins but I don't know who these people are but these five people all have the same last name and I recognize the last name and my mother had a friend with that last name that I heard her speak about over the years.

I had never met him or anything but maybe I did, I don't know.

So anyways, so my husband it's kind of funny because my husband was looking at me and and I'm just kind of funny and I'm looking at him going, wait a minute, I'm like, oh my God, you know, my mother had a friend named blahblahblah and he's like, no, he's like yeah, and I go, you're right.

I'm thinking too much into this but I'm like, but who are these people?

So immediately I went inside and called my dad because even though my parents had been divorced, since I was little growing up, my mom, my dad owned like a bar restaurant business, and my mom worked for him growing up and Baby, you know, whoever he knew she knew and vice versa so I'm like, well I'm going to ask my dad if he knows who this guy is, my dad didn't answer.

So then I proceeded to call one of my mother's best friends who she's known since she was really little and I just came right out and said is so and so my father and there was a big break in silence and she goes, oh, boy.

And I was like, what do you mean?

Oh boy, because I've got Things to tell you.

So, apparently back when my parents were married, my father actually unfortunately was an alcoholic.

The man who I thought was my father and he was married four times.

He cheated on, I think every way he's had treated, my mother pretty poorly.

I obviously don't remember any of it.

I was very young when they got divorced but you know I'd heard stories over the years.

So my mom's friend told me that my mother had an affair on my father.

Because she had found out he cheated, and she wanted to do it to get back at him even though she never told him, she cheated.

So, she actually wasn't sure who, my father was, but I guess it was a strong indication that the other man was because I guess I looked a lot like him when I was younger, but my mother just, you know, carried it on that way, but she never told like my my dad.

She never.

I don't know about my biological father because unfortunately, he's not alive anymore.

Yeah.

Did you have any?

Suspicion growing up

that, no, not at all.

In fact, so my dad has four children from three marriages.

He had my older brother from his first marriage and then married my mother and had what I thought was me and my brother, my younger brother and then his third wife and him also had another child.

So now come to find out those two brothers who I thought were my half.

Brothers are not even biological which I don't know about you, but Nothing's changed for me.

I mean, I grew up with like my dad stole.

My dad.

My brothers are still my brother's, right?

But it's just in my mind though, it's very weird.

Like it's just, it's a shift.

Yeah, I can't even describe it.

Like, it's just the needless to say that whole weekend.

I cried the whole weekend.

I just thought this is, it was just so surreal and just messed up and even to this day, I just, I still can't so whatever at my house.

Head around it.

So I started to investigate a little bit, you know, look people up on Facebook and talked and I come to find out who my mother's other friends knew about this man, possibly be my father and they had told me that my mother had wanted to tell me her contemplated over the years, but she didn't know what to do because in her mind she didn't know how I would react number one.

Number two, he was already deceased, so she was like, whoa what if I tell her this And he's not her father and I put her through all that, you know.

So she didn't know what to do which I guess I get in a way.

But in a way I'm just like I just wish she had told me because I have so many questions and that will never get answered.

Yeah so I have reached out I reached out to an uncle that I found and I just recently met an uncle and two cousins about three weeks ago, it went very well.

I have I have 12 first cousins on that side.

I'd my biological father was one of seven children, all of them are deceased, except for one that one uncle that I met my dad.

My dad who I grew up seeing was my dad.

Got sober probably about 45 years ago and we've actually had a relationship.

He's been very supportive since my mother died.

You know we've finally have developed a relationship it you know he's 75 and I'm 49 and it will never be like what I had hoped growing up but I have relationship with him somehow But that and like I said, finding this out, doesn't change how I feel about my dad or my my half-brother you know who I thought were my half-brothers.

Oh, I also found out that I have a half brother from my biological.

Father unfortunately though he's in prison in Florida, but the next 10 years I've debated sending him a letter C.

Unfortunate thing is my dad and my three brothers are all my actually, one of my brother's passed away.

Six years ago from alcoholism all my brothers and my dad were Pollux and drug addicts.

And then, I find out that this half brother is in prison for drugs.

So, it's there was a disappointment, you know, because I thought, oh my gosh, they have another sibling and then to find out that he's also been in trouble with the law.

And, you know, with drugs is just, you know, and I don't want to, I know it's a disease, we might have grown up with it, I know all about it and, you know, but it's just, it is, it's disappointing.

But anyways, I've thought about writing him a letter which I might do eventually.

I just, I just don't know what to do.

What's your thought?

I mean would you like to have a relationship with

him?

Yes, part of me does but part of me doesn't know if I want to because I don't I don't know enough about him to know if he's somebody that I could trust down the road you know like is prison going to make him worse?

Or is he going to come out?

A better person?

Is he going to come out?

You know, and go back to drugs, you know, it there's a lot of factors there.

So it's kind of scary because I've grown up and that environment and you know, there's been a lot of trust issues with my my brothers Is now and we're on that now.

But you know, in the past and my father and so it's I don't know what to do to be quite honest.

Well you're still processing it.

You only found out four months ago.

So do your brother's that you grew up with and your father.

Now know,

so that night, my father want to call me back and it was about 10:00 at night.

So I couldn't change my story and say, oh, I was just calling to say hi because I had already talked to him that day.

And it was kind of clock at night.

I don't call them that lie, just to chat, you know.

Right.

So I was like, Dad, are you sitting down?

He's like, what's matter.

And I just came right out and said it, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to say, to say to him, you're not my father, sorry.

I'm like an emotional now.

No, it's okay.

That was, that was difficult because I didn't know how he would react and, you know, he's been sober and it knows that but you send them back into wanting to drink.

You know, there were a lot of things there and I just everything happened so quickly that night that I didn't think it through about telling him.

It was like I was more like wanted to know what you guys were like, what the hell is going on?

I need answers now, you know what I mean?

Absolutely, when you get a shock like that, you're just desperate for information because it's a complaint, you know, rocks your entire world,

right?

So my dad was very confused because my dad's not very Technologies, they have So he's like, what do you mean you did DNA?

Well why, you know he didn't understand why I did and I said, well Dad I said a lot of people do it, you know, I said and it's more for, you know, it's more of a fun thing, you know.

Well, at least I thought it would be if anything.

I thought that I was going to maybe find some cigarettes siblings.

I didn't know about because of my hearing about, my dad's infidelity never in a million years would.

I think that I would find out that my dad was not my idea.

I mean, they didn't even cross my mind, not even.

Even a little bit, you know, and it's been hard to process, you know, because I feel like you know I lost my mother suddenly and January and then and then this you know so it was like this was something I did not need.

Not right now, it's just been.

It's been, you know, I just feel like with everything going on with covid, that's turned.

Everybody's lives upside down, you know, in the past, you know, it's been very difficult for everybody.

Just the changes that covid has done to people and jobs and just, you know, all the deaths.

And then, you know, I wasn't able to be at the hospital with my mother until she decided she didn't want any more care and I was in the team of the last three days.

She was alive.

So that was kind of schematic, you know.

And so yeah.

So that was definitely like now, I think, why did I why did I do that?

I mean, I can't, I can't change it.

I can't take it back, I just now wish I didn't do it.

Maybe later on it just wasn't good timing.

Yeah,

but ultimately, it is the truth.

So, So, what was his

reaction?

You know, I don't think he knew what to say.

I think he was just He was like I said he was confused at first but then once I explained everything and why I get it, like it was like I think he didn't want to believe it but then immediately afterwards, he was like, well, you know, you're my, you're my daughter, you're always be my daughter.

And I'm like, well yeah, I said, yeah, this doesn't change anything for me.

It really doesn't like I do not think anything differently.

You know, we got the phone pretty quickly, so that was Friday night.

So, over the weekend, I think they both were just a mess, you know what I mean?

Like, He was he called me, I think it's Sunday and he's like, please don't be mad at your mother.

He goes if I hadn't cheated on her and if I wasn't such a lousy husband, she wouldn't have done this.

So I was like, Wow here that come out of my Dad's mouth was like unbelievable.

Holy crap.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't think I'd get this emotion.

Listen, it's probably.

Okay.

I still get emotional too.

Like this happens.

It's totally fine.

And if you need to pause or anything, it's okay

to thank you.

I appreciate I hate that and no it's nice to know.

I didn't realize that you know you know also have the same situation so it's nice talking to somebody that totally gets it

and that's part of why I started.

The podcast was just selfishly so I could talk to other people that were going through the same thing because you feel so alone.

I mean, I'd never even heard of anything like this, until it happened to me.

Well, right?

And then, when I went on their Facebook page, are you literally, I feel like every day, there's a new person on there saying.

Well, it's Found out.

My dad wasn't my dad and I'm like why are so many women having Affairs like somebody needs to study?

You know I mean like it's amazing to me.

How many people are finding out?

I'm kind of hurt because and I don't think it was my mother's friends place to tell me anything.

But to think that three people that I knew very well knew come to find out though.

I don't think anybody in my family knew, my dad didn't know, my don't have a lot of family left because they've all passed.

Passed away over the past for 10-15 years.

But I have some other family members and they they didn't know.

Oh my father asked me not to tell my my other brothers which were from his marriage and his other marriages.

Which at first I was really upset about because I thought, well, this is my story.

You know why can't why can't I tell them?

You know, it's not going to change anything for me but my dad.

I understood so my my older brother He is actually been sober now, he's like 90-something days clean, which is actually really good for him.

He's never really gone this long and my dad's concerned that if he does, fall off the wagon that when he's drunk when he drinks.

He can be very nasty and he doesn't want him getting very nasty with me or him, which I get.

But I think, honestly, I think my dad doesn't want me to tell them because my dad is worried about his reputation.

Station because he's even like, well, you know who knows?

And who are you going to tell like aren't you worried about what people are going to think about your mother?

I said no I said because if they know Mom they know that that's not who she was.

You know in fact I was shocked that my mother cheated, you know?

I mean I was but once I found out why I really not mad, I'm just mad that she never said anything to me.

So I think my father is more worried about P.

Morgan has think of him.

You know what I mean?

That I'm not as you know, I'm not as real dog.

And my mother had this affair and it's a big

responsibility though.

To keep that secret.

How, how are you feeling now about?

Keeping that from your brothers?

It's difficult while my younger brother.

He's 30.

Oh my God, he was born when I was a senior in high school so he's in his 30s.

Honestly, not telling him is not bother me.

I really, really want to tell my older brother because what have you were younger?

I was, we were close before his.

He got really bad with drugs and alcohol and I don't know why, but I just I really Ali want to tell him but and he was at my house for Thanksgiving and it wasn't weird.

It's just, I thought a lot about it, you know, that day, and I don't know.

And then, like I said, my other brother is he passed away six years ago.

So obviously he will never know.

But yeah.

It's just what's eating me apart is not being able to talk to my mother.

It's driving me.

Absolutely insane.

That I can't talk to her about

this.

What questions?

Do you have for

her?

I want to know, like, why she never told.

Me why she never did anything about it when I was born, like, you know, because she did suspect the other guy with my father.

Like, why did she continue to stay with my dad and have another child?

I get it.

Like I know people, you know, she was young.

I'm sure because I do.

Remember her telling me that even before she married, my father.

She knew that she was making a mistake.

So I do know some things, but it's just, I don't know.

I just stuff like that.

And you know why?

She just never told me?

Like I knew this guy's name, I mean I didn't hang out with them on a regular basis like as she got older but I do remember he had moved the foreigner like a long time ago and I remember her talking about a friend that say his name, he lives in Florida.

If he came back here she meet him for dinner whatever.

You know, I never thought anything of it because my mom knew a lot of people choose one of those people that she had a lot of friends and had no enemies like everybody loved her.

So it didn't phase me.

You know, she had a lot of guy friends, she had a lot of girlfriends, you know, so just didn't faze me.

Your or does your uncle know anything?

Your paternal

Uncle?

So no, they didn't.

I when I met with them, they actually said that.

If he had known about me, they're pretty positive that he would have wanted to be in my life, which is kind of weird because to me, I think, well obviously, he had in know, my mother got pregnant.

I would think maybe he didn't.

But since they were still friends later on, you know, he had to have known when I was Born like an you think he would question like well is that my child you know what I mean?

But no they they swear that they don't know anything about me or didn't know anything about me?

And it's funny because one of my mother's friends her actually so my biological father was a fireman I guess her brother-in-law and her brother both worked with him years and years ago and everybody that I've talked to that knew of him I guess he was very well-liked very well known.

I was told by this Uncle that he was very family-oriented.

He was a great father to his son, but this brother-in-law and brother said that they believed to that.

He had known about me that he definitely would have wanted to be in my life.

So that's another thing that's bothering me because my father growing up was not because of his alcoholism.

He was just not, he wasn't a great dad.

You know, he wasn't really around much, there'd be years, we wouldn't speak.

You know, just because of that reason the, you know, the drinking, but But so that bothers me to think that my biological father probably would have been a really great dad.

And and like even speaking to my cousin who I met, she said like family Christmases growing up were wonderful.

She said, there'd be like 50 people there and come to find out my mom's parents, were where they lived.

Why was very close to lived literally, in the track across the street, from where my biological parents flipped, which Yeah, and after talking to some of my those two cousins, you know, because of Facebook, you know, we wound up having some mutual friends.

Like it's just weird like our paths have definitely crossed in the past.

It just blows my mind like I, you know, where I live is a pretty big city, but yet, it's not, you know what I mean?

When you think about, like, all the connections, you know, it's like wow.

You know, we knew a lot of the same people, it's just crazy, you know?

Yeah, the others definitely like a recurring theme of that I've heard.

Mother and Pease of the, what if, you know, what if I'd known what would my childhood have been like?

Yeah somebody that I spoke with on Sunday, she put it really well.

She said that she feels like that part of her.

Life was stolen from her because yeah, she doesn't, she'll never

know.

That's how I feel.

And I feel like my life, like, half my life was a lie and part of me is angry because I think, oh my God.

My mother likes knew what a crappy, father, my dad was like, I just it really bothers me, you know?

Because but I sit here also in think, well, I can't, there's nothing I can do about it, it can't bring anybody back.

I can't change my past, right?

So I'm trying really, really hard to think differently and not dwell on that even though it's hard some days, some days, I'm okay with it.

Other things.

Like, when I first found out I was like, I, you know, at first I was like, you know, I don't to meet anybody on that side of the family.

I just want to get my medical history.

That's all I want.

Because what I struggle with is, how do I develop a relationship with these people?

If almost 50 years old that I didn't grow up with, you know what I mean?

Like, that's what I struggle with, but I didn't.

Like I said, I met three of them and went very well.

We've actually been invited to Christmas Eve.

Well, that's wonderful.

It is and I believe we're going to go and I'm very nervous but because I'll be meeting a lot more people.

But you know, I've had a couple people say to me, maybe this is a blessing in disguise because I don't have a big family and I've always wished that I did and now I do.

huge,

it's weird, you know.

So I don't know, I'm trying and the days that I can deal with us, I try to see the positives because I've seen you know, on that Facebook page.

Some you know, I feel bad for some People because they've been completely rejected by their biological family, you know, and or they've, you know, ask their mother like, hey, I did DNA and their their mother treats them like garbage and put the blame on them.

There's some horrible stories I've read and I think to myself well thank God that I'm not going through that.

They've been very welcoming.

They've been one of the context.

When we met they brought me a ton of pictures.

They brought me these family trees that they had you know, written out and gave me some Three of my grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles.

And so they've been very very welcoming.

So I'm very lucky and I'm very thankful for that.

I just another thing.

I'm having a very hard time with is I have not told my dad that I've met anybody because he did mention to me once that what goes through his mind is that if my biological father were alive.

So, I'd want to meet him.

I don't know if it would bother him that.

I'm trying to develop a relationship with that side of the family.

And I just and I shouldn't feel guilty because I am not the I didn't do it, I didn't ask for this, you know right.

None of us did and but I guess I just I just don't want to stir the pot I guess.

So I figured well what he doesn't know won't hurt him and my kids.

I have three boys, 13, 19 and 27.

My 27 year old has high functioning autism.

I have not told him because even though he'll kind of understand it, I don't want him saying to me.

Yeah, do so you're not my grandpa anymore, you know what I mean?

I just but my other two I had to tell them because that we can I found out.

I was just a mess.

I was crying all weekend.

I didn't.

I wanted the boys to know what was going on

and what was their reaction

they were?

I think, pretty shocked, I forget which I think was my 13 year old said he goes.

So Grandpa's, not our grandpa.

I said, no, he's your grandpa, you know, I'm like, I try and explain some not, this doesn't change anything and they seemed okay with that.

You know, my dad came for Thanksgiving and Nothing was different, nobody acted differently.

It was like nothing had ever happened.

But the boys are interested in going.

I told them about Christmas Eve and they are interested in growing, so I guess that's good.

Now that

you've met some of your new fan, Newfound family members.

Have you found any connections there like has anything kind of made sense things that you had in common or kind of the hindsight is 20/20?

Sort of thing where you're like?

Oh that's why I'm Was

different.

No, not really, it's weird because I have a lot of hobbies.

A lot of hobbies, my mother never had any hobbies, not nothing.

My dad may be a few, but migrant my mom's mom, my grandmother had a lot of hobbies.

So I just assumed, you know, I got it from her because he did a lot of things that I do like sewing and furniture refinishing and, you know, stuff like that.

You know, I'm into photography.

Like I have a lot of hobbies to not enough time but so I just thought, oh my God, if my grandmother, I'm like, you know, some of it for my dad because my dad was big in the gardening.

I love to Garden, like my mother didn't do anything anything.

She really just had no Hobbies.

So, but there was never anything growing up.

Like my brother's looks like my dad.

I look just like my mother.

Like I look in the mirror and I see my mom.

Hmm.

So I never questioned anything because I just thought, well, I look like my mom and my brothers look like my dad.

You were just truly completely blindsided,

come on.

Yeah, blindsided completely, like it did, like I said, I still sit here, just go, excuse my French but I go.

What the fuck?

Like, I just like, there's no way to even explain this.

Like, I had friends calling me for a week or two afterwards just going.

Are you okay?

Because they were flabbergasted?

They just can't believe it.

We're anybody that knew.

My mother was just, wow.

Like are you serious?

Like it just it just didn't seem possible but obviously it is.

You know that your mom passed and that you aren't able to ask her these questions and I'm sorry for your

loss.

Thank you.

Do you feel like you have forgiven her?

No, but I'm not angry where I'm like, maybe I shouldn't say no.

You know, it's weird.

I don't, I'm not a very religious person.

I don't know what I believe after you die, but for some reason ever since this has happened, there's a part of me that in the back of my head I think someday I will be able to confront her about this and I don't know why I feel that way.

It's been there since the day, I found out what someday I will be able to confront her about this and whether there's truth in it today, I don't know.

But it's weird how that it's just this feeling I get um, I don't know, I don't know whether I want to see, you know, it's so hard to explain because I'm still angry at times.

I just want answers.

I just, I just want to know why she went her took this third grade, if you know why, why didn't she write a letter?

Why didn't she?

You know, she knew she was gonna die someday, you know?

Even if she didn't want to face me, you know, leave a letter.

I don't know.

But you know what bothers me is to think that she held this in for almost 50 years to me.

That's wow.

Because I couldn't do it.

Yeah, you know what I mean in a way?

I'm just, I don't know.

I'm like, I try to think, oh God, what did this do to her?

Even though she's the one who chose to deal with it?

The way she did, it doesn't mean that she dealt with it, okay?

It doesn't mean that she didn't stress about it.

It.

But I guess it bothers me because she knew I wanted to do this DNA.

I've been saying it for, at least two years.

I just never did it.

And now I'm kicking myself.

I'm like damn it, why did I do this year ago?

But I'm also one of those people that I'm like, everything happens for a reason.

So there's a reason I didn't do it, I guess a year ago.

I don't know what the reason is.

I think that that's

such a compassionate view though.

You know, to consider how your mom must have felt.

Despite the fact that she made that choice because it probably was really hard to keep that inside.

Wow.

My brother passed away six years ago and she he was 40 when he died and she found him in his bedroom.

He actually had died of a brain bleed, because the day before he was so drunk that he fell and hit his head really hard on concrete, she found him and she was never the same after that.

Which I totally get that.

I mean, how do you get through losing a child?

So I think, oh my God.

So for the past six years, you know, she's dealt with that on top of wondering.

What?

Then again, you know, these are things.

I want to ask her like do did this Eat You Alive that you didn't know who my father was?

Or did it not like, was she able to stuff it?

You know, I don't know.

At first I was very angry with my mother.

I was like how dare she, you know, but then I guess I've had more time to process.

I've been a little bit more forgiving mmm and I'm like God.

Do anything for her to just come back and just have this conversation.

And if she were alive, I would react this way.

But I can't say that because if she were alive because we had a love-hate relationship.

I mean, I love my mom to death and I miss her like, oh my God.

Like like you wouldn't believe but honestly, I could see why she'd be afraid to tell me because I could have I could take it, one of two ways I can be like in shock and like let her explain and you know Just go on and process it or I could completely have flipped out on her.

So, I could understand her being afraid because I do have a temper at times but I'm working on it and so, yeah.

So right now?

Yeah, I could say how I would have handled it, but I honestly don't know if she had told me.

What, how I would have handled it?

I have no clue and I think that's what her fear was.

She was afraid that I would probably stop talking to her or something.

Yeah, so I'm trying to put myself like in her shoes at times.

Even though I don't think he handled it the right way, but then again, you know, we're all human.

We all make mistakes.

Like, I know I have and maybe, I don't know, I don't know.

Yeah, I honestly can't say how I be if they were alive.

I think, you know, I like I do, I sit here and think about it all the time and think I probably would react weight differently and probably would have been way more angry and been like, what the hell, like, why you had all these times.

That's why I'm frustrated.

Straighten that I can't talk to her, I think, because she had several opportunities to tell several opportunities, you know?

So that's what I'm struggling with.

Give her your kidney.

No, I wound up actually, even though it was a perfect match, they the very last test.

They did.

I mean, they did a kidney biopsy and I wound up having I have what's called natural sclerosis, which is hardening of the arteries.

So I couldn't donate.

So what she want up getting After we refined came forward and gave her one, but that's good.

So you kind of touched on therapy?

What, what is helping you at this point in your journey?

Don't think there's anything that's helping me up.

I think it's still too new and still too fresh.

Maybe one of the things I could say that's helping me and actually it's not even the therapy part is the fact that the people I have met on the side of my family have been very welcoming, very kind and accepting.

Ting.

And I think it's helped that I've seen some of the Facebook stories that one Facebook page because like I said, you know, as you've seen to some of them are just so sad, how these people are treated by their parents when they find out.

So I thinking on that Facebook page helps, I think that they were responsive that help therapy, it helps to talk about it, but I think talking to you is even better because you get it 100%, Where's a therapist?

My therapist is not in this situation.

I mean they're trained, you know, and how to obviously do therapy but they can't fully understand what I'm going through when I'm my

therapist.

I think she was

shocked.

I don't think they know my therapist actually it's a man and it was so funny because we're on zoom and his mouth like I know therapists are not really supposed to show like Much reaction, his mouth dropped open and his both of us hands went on both sides of his face.

Like he grabs cheeks like what he goes.

I've heard a lot of things, he goes.

But this is a first I'm like, really, I'm like, because it's pretty common according to my Facebook page, I really think

there are any therapist.

Listening.

There's a niche

for People Like Us.

Yeah, definitely.

Sometimes I tend to deal with it, like you're my rise to because if I don't and I'm just gonna go crazy, you know.

Yeah in my head because I already have really bad anxiety and depression that I've been actually was in therapy before this happened and then you add this to the mix and it just like, you know, so for somebody like me that just lost my mother and has anxiety and depression.

Like this is not something that I Needed this year.

II did not need this.

So I try to like that's why I'm like why am laughing even though I probably you know it sound crazy that I'm laughing about it because it's really not funny but I guess that's how I'm dealing with it.

Sometimes I totally struggle with it.

You know I have my moments where I'm just like so in disbelief is still can't believe you know like I've even there's been times and this might make me sound horrible but is welcoming as my family has been to me and I'm very grateful for There's been times brief times where like, I think to myself, I gotta run away because this is too much, but it's only for a brief second.

It's not anything I do well on, it's not something I think about a lot, but I think it's just a coping thing for me because I just sometimes don't want to deal with it but then I think, oh my gosh, am I gonna fit in with them?

You know?

Are you know, I'm, I feel like I'm I'm finding myself being very insecure.

All of a sudden, like, oh my gosh, I have to be on my best behavior and Like do they swear?

Do they, you know, I don't know like, stupid things like that, you know, like is it okay to swear around them?

Like because I am I can tend to have a trucker mouth you know and like I have you know I have all these tattoos and think are they going to judge me?

Because of my tattoos or they gonna judge me?

I don't know, you know, and it's probably just me being insecure and they probably maybe they aren't like the I don't know.

Same

complete same.

What is your hope moving?

Our word for your relationship with your family that you grew up with and then your newfound

family.

I hope to be able to turn my one brother someday, and have him be okay with it and not have it change anything.

And as far as my new family, I guess in my mind, I think I'm going, I'm not gonna push myself on them, but I'm gonna go with whatever, you know what I mean.

And if something comes of it, great.

If it doesn't, I want to sit here and say, that's fine too?

Know how I feel like cause I, you know, part of me is like I wonder if there's any family that doesn't want to meet me and you know a nice because I can be a sensitive you know and I you know I think is it going to hurt me if they eventually stopped talking to me you know to stupid things like that?

My mind I think too much.

No, I analyze everything.

I think too much so

well, I don't, I don't think those are stupid thoughts, though.

I think that's totally

valid.

Okay, yeah, see I you're actually the first person I've ever talked to you.

Isn't this situation other than the stories they see on their Facebook group.

So, it's nice to hear, you know, get some validation that what I'm feeling is not abnormal,

not at all.

So many things that you've said, I'm like, same same same.

I mean, my therapist will tell me that too, but then again, he's never, he's not in the situation.

He's just telling me for my, you know, professional standpoint.

You know,

what advice would you give to a parent?

Parents, who may be keeping a DNA surprise from their child?

I would definitely tell them to tell their child because I see what it's doing to me.

But then again, I guess I see what it's done to other people on this Facebook group.

I personally would say you need to tell your child.

It's their right.

You know, first of all them for medical reasons because like my situation, my dad actually died.

From lung cancer.

He was only in the 60s and come to find out three of his siblings.

Also died from lung cancer and I'm, I'm an ex-smoker.

I quit smoking for years ago, so I smoked, you know, that's a pretty big information.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

So, if anything is very important for nice thing, for medical reasons, especially, you know, it come to find out, like, like I said, come finding out my biological side there.

You know, that's a pretty big deal but I guess to it all depends on the person and how they're going to handle it or not.

You know I and everybody's different everybody handles things differently so I don't you know.

But yeah that's what I would say.

And I know you're still relatively new in this journey, but what advice would you give to someone who just found out that they are in

NP e?

Well, God, Yeah, honestly, I have no advice yet.

I think for me I'm still processing it.

It's just it's been for me personally.

It's been even though my family has been very, you know, welcoming well, the three people I've met still hard to process.

I really don't have, I guess I would say to somebody that obviously seek therapy.

I think that's important.

And to talk about it, don't keep it.

And maybe reach out like I'm in the one of the first things I did was to see if there was a Facebook or and I don't really interact much in there.

Sometimes I will.

But I don't interact very much but just reading other people's stories and knowing that I'm not alone house because there's a lot of people out there that are in the same boat as me and you a lot.

I'm just I'm so amazed at how many people are so that really helped.

It's I think it's still too soon for me too.

Give anybody any,

I think that's, that's great advice.

So, thank you and thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your journey.

I wish you the best of luck as you continue to process this and I hope that it gets easier and that you find some peace and you know maybe even somehow get some answers that you're looking for.

Well, you're too.

And I thank you very much for reaching out and I think this is awesome that you're doing this because I think with this DNA, it's going to be a common occurrence for hundreds, if not thousands of people, you know, from now on.

Thanks again, to Kristen for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprised that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

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