Wendy’s DNA Surprise

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I'm learning to like get out of my comfort zone a little bit and realize that I can just be who I am and people can love and appreciate you for that and I don't need to worry so much about it and that it's a big deal but it's not a big deal at the same time like you thought it was like yourself move forward and if I wanted to have a part in their life, that's the only way that it's going to happen.

Imagine spitting into

Tube sending off your DNA and unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021 I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of npes adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA

Wendy was just eight years old when her mother told her that she was in npe, but it wasn't until much later that she learned.

The true identity of her biological.

Father.

In this week's episode, Wendy tells the story of how she came to learn the truth and how she's currently processing her journey.

Thanks for sharing your story, Wendy.

I'm Wendy, I am 37 and I'm from Utah.

So, I was when I was growing up as a kid, I was raised by my dad my brother and I lived with him and my mom lived in Salt Lake or she kind of moved around.

We didn't see her a lot.

Their divorce was like really bad divorce.

They're really better towards each other and made things really hard.

And one day I don't I don't remember why I my mom even told me but we had gone with her or a weekend and she kept telling me that my dad wasn't my real dad and I could go live with her if I wanted to, which is really manipulative, but I don't think she understood that the time she was really young, you know, and very spoiled by her parents.

How old were you at that when she told

you, oh, I was eight.

I was eight years old and I, it's so weird how it used to all be.

So like just fresh in my mind, but I think that I've Just like, try not to remember all of it, you know, like I've just like moved on from it and my mind which when I you know, we'll get to that later but it kind of got all brought back up and it made it kind of difficult for me.

But she told me I went home and tell my dad my relationship with my dad.

Is he never yelled at us?

He's never spanked us.

His disappointment alone was enough to make you feel so ashamed and so I didn't say anything.

The gym because I felt scared and I felt unsure of if it was the truth or not.

You know, I didn't know what to believe.

I was just like, so taken aback by it and then I think I did have like a small identity crisis.

Reject, you know really hard to deal with and one day, my dad got angry at me.

And I remember I wrote a note on my bedroom wall, that was running away because he wasn't my real dad, and he And I never actually left the key found it before I could leave, and I remember him coming into my room and comforting me and telling me that he wasn't my real dad, but he was my dad and that didn't

matter.

So he knew.

Yeah, he knew he was actually the first man in the state of Utah to ever get custody of a child.

That was not biologically his.

Wow.

So it's an interesting situation.

Yeah, he knew he found out when I was five.

I've so much my mom got pregnant with me and she was kind of dating around Duty.

My dad at the same time.

But as far as I'm aware, she knew that he wasn't my dad but he told him that I was his kid.

They got married and they had me.

And then they had my brother Jeremiah, they had him and then they got divorced.

And when they got divorced, when my dog was awarded, Do you have me and my brother in the courtroom?

My mom stood up and she said he can't have my daughter.

He's not her real father.

So, that's how he found out, you know, they had to take a recess.

We had to get blood tests on and it came back that he wasn't, there's no chance.

All I knew was and they, we still went to live with him though.

But so then I can't understand is that that point, and if they wonder who it

was from, Right.

Nobody wondered who it was.

They didn't make an attempt to find out who it was.

The judge.

Didn't the lawyers, didn't my dad didn't.

And my mom was of no help either because she thought she knew who it was and she didn't want anyone to know who it

was.

Okay, why did she not want anyone to know?

He thought that my real father was a man named And he was my grandmother's.

Best friend's

husband.

Oh my goodness.

Okay.

So she was 17 and he was like 34 and he had an affair with my mom which I feel was predatory.

Yes.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And she didn't want my grandparents to know and that's who she thought it was and then that's she ended up telling my dad and I found out and I got offered to take me to meet him, you know?

He's like this is who your mom is.

It is, I don't know if I believe her or not, but that's what we have to go on.

And if you want to go meet him, I'll take you.

He lived in Spanish Fort paste and area.

Which is what's like 15 minutes from where I grew up in Santa Quinn, but I couldn't I didn't want to, I feel like I was going to disappoint my dad and now in hindsight I'm glad that I felt that way as I would have hated to go and meet this man, who I had thought was my real father, but he's really not

was your father.

Either your dad encouraging of you to meet him or was it?

You know, was an external pressure that led you to not want to meet him or you know, where did that come from?

I just think that because of the way that my parents were with each other that it created this issue Within Myself of where I was never able to voice my needs and I wasn't able to accept the Southern Man and I I really did not want to disappoint or hurt my dad at all.

And I felt in a way that it would hurt you change everything, even though it was so young, there was a part of me that knew that if I did this, everything would be changed forever.

And I just I had a lot of emotional trauma as a child and I just don't think that I could do it.

And it was easy for me to be like, well I don't want to disappoint my dad so I'm not going to do this to take any of that pressure off of myself, but also, Still to this day.

I have a hard time.

I don't want to disappoint my dad, still, you know, we don't really talk about the situation.

It's not easy for others to bring up.

It's just really emotionally hard.

And it's just, it's just a hard situation.

And so I think all the pressure came from myself, okay?

I don't think it was anybody else because you know, he's like, I'll take you to meet him.

We talked about it one time and we never talked about it again after I sit now.

I didn't want to.

Okay, so five years old, your dad finds out that he is not your biological father at 8 years old, your mom tells you that your dad is not your biological father, you decide that you don't want to meet And then fast forward, and you decide that you do want to meet him.

So, I actually ended up going to live with my mom when I was about 12.

So, I went and I lived with her and my stepdad and my other siblings, I have to.

So, besides Jeremiah, I have two other Yonkers, boy, siblings and one girl sibling.

And so I was living with them, and I became curious because I, I was curious The whole time, you know, I was that kid, that would like lay in bed at night and think about who these people were and want to meet them.

And I felt like there was a huge part of myself missing.

I feel like I didn't know who I was because of this.

And I felt very out of place with both of my families because of that, like, none of my siblings look like me.

I don't look like any of them, even my half-siblings, we all just look so drastically different and I didn't know where to Bit, you know, I do and so I decided I wanted to meet him and my mom and my grandmother, said it up and because by this time people had found out and my family, my mom wasn't able to keep it a secret forever.

So my they set it up, we went to his house and I was it was in between 11 12 and 13.

When we went there and we go in and his wife who had been his wife, Before, so, it's the same way to eat, she's not a very nice lady.

He had died three days before we went to me in, and she threw this death certificate down in my mom's lap.

And she said, died from cancer three days ago.

And to me that just was so cruel.

Like, you could have just called and told us and we want to have Kane either way, it's going to be devastating, but the way that she did it was just devastating, you know?

And my mom made me go out.

Back to the car and they had a conversation.

I don't really know what was said, I'm sure it was nothing good.

But she had told me and while we were there, you know, he's not your real father.

Your mom's lying, I believe that my mom really believed that he was, you know, so it wasn't true but I don't believe she was lying either, right?

And so after that, I just I kind of put it out of my mind, I knew that he had kids, my mom, couldn't remember their name and my Mama said she can remember, either.

I don't know if they I don't know how much I believe that but eventually found them somehow I think somehow I had done a search on him.

After the internet have become a bigger things about time.

It wasn't you couldn't just get online and look somebody up.

So after a few years when the internet was bigger, I searched him and I found all sorts of personal information on him like his address.

His phone number, his social security number his obituary and I Ended up finding his kids and I didn't do anything with the information really for a long time.

I just kind of sat on it had already been so long that I was like I don't need to rush

this.

Did you have a curiosity?

Did you ask your mom or grandma questions about him to try to learn more about yourself?

At that time,

I did a little bit, not as much as I would have wanted to, because anytime I got my bra, they don't like him, you know.

No.

And so I always heard about all the bad stuff, you know, like my Grandpa would tell me that he was a skirt Chaser, which I love that word.

I think it's hilarious but he literally would say that he's a skirt Chaser and I can understand why they didn't like him, it's she was a child in their eyes and they feel like he took advantage, you know?

But I don't think that they understood that those bad things that they were saying we're like, shutting me down and making me question myself as a person.

Well, if he's such a bad person, then what do they think of me?

He is my father, you know, and I know they loved me, like, I was very close with my grandparents, my grandpa was like, another dad to me and so, I know they weren't doing it to hurt me.

I just don't think that they understood that it did.

so did you reach out to the to the siblings at any

point?

Yeah, so I did, I Facebook messaged his son.

A boy.

Boy and he didn't read it for two years.

Oh my God, just go sure other folder.

So after two years like one day, I was just messing around on Facebook and I had this message and I open it and I was like, oh my gosh, he finally messaged me back.

And he was like, I'm sorry, I didn't even realize you had messaged me because we weren't friends.

So I didn't go to his direct, his direct Facebook messenger and so it was Script that he is really nice guy.

He just accepted it.

He was like well I believe it, I guess I have another sister and I felt really good for him to accept it and that way and I ended up talking to the daughter and I ended up talking to Sister.

There are really nice people that are great people, we never got a chance to meet it, just didn't work out.

Which also I think is kind of a blessing because I wouldn't want to get It like emotionally attached to somebody and then find out all over again.

You know which in a way I kind of did get emotionally attached but not too much.

Right?

But we were we had decided that we were going to do a test his sister and I just so we could confirm just because I wanted to know 100% for sure.

If I wasn't willing to just believe it.

You know, I had to, I had to know she had a devastating house fire.

About right in the middle of it.

And so, I just decided to go at it alone.

I didn't want to put any pressure on her.

Make her feel stressed about the situation, so I said, I'm just going to go get my own ancestry test.

Like, I don't know why I haven't done this.

Like it's been around forever.

Just go and do it, and I did, and I just waited, and I waited, and it took so long to come back.

It felt like years

pages, right?

Yeah, do it was so strange.

I have the app downloaded on my phone so I could just pull it up and look at it and one day I pulled it up and my results were in and I cut really anxious and I bought on there and it was like, here's your biological father and then my phone glitched and the app all shut down my gosh, like

you've ever possible twist here.

Yeah,

so weird.

It was so I got to look at it for like 4 seconds before that happened and so I was like maybe I didn't see that right?

Maybe it's maybe it was something else maybe that's like an uncle or something.

So I and I was just sitting in my garage I was all alone and I just got I got my phone, I pulled it up and I was like Who in the hell is best?

But I was dumbfounded.

I was dumbfounded because I fully expected that it was going to be somebody from family and they have a very unusual last name.

Mhm.

Oh, I knew it wasn't anybody to do with him and I was like what's going on?

So I screenshot it and my real father also has a very unusual last name so I screenshot it and I send it.

It to my mom and she immediately calls me.

She's like, it's a mistake.

I don't know who that is.

I have no idea.

It's a mistake.

And I was like, all right.

So I got on with Ancestry customer service and I ask them how often does the few mistakes happen?

Is there any way that this could be a mistake and they're like, well, how's your mom tested or did you?

No did the guy who she thought it was have a bone marrow transplant?

Or something like that and I said, okay well I don't know, I'll find out.

He hadn't asked his sister and he had never had anything like that and they told me there's no mistake.

It can't be a mistake, it's not possible, especially like maybe if it was my eighth cousin.

But when it's the direct current will line, there's no mistake and it was really high.

Our, what is it CNN's?

It was really high.

So, so

that that denial, though, right?

I think that's so common.

Among all of us is that it must be a mistake somehow.

It's got to be a

mistake.

It was bored, and I think part of her still think that's a mistake because she doesn't remember him and he didn't remember her at first either.

So they only want one day and they were like 17 and they probably have drinks or something and they both party just About that time in their life has completely changed his life, and he's completely different than he was a teenager ethnos.

My mom has as well, but, you know, they were teenagers and they never, I guess maybe they didn't hit it off, they went their separate ways.

Something really funny though, is when I met him, when he came to my house, he told me that he had seen my mom.

After that, when I was probably a toddler three or four.

And we were in an Orange laser.

And that's how I know that I saw him the truth because my dad drove an orange Blazer.

We had that for a while and that he saw a drive-through and he saw this kid in the back, and he is like thinking that he's like that, could that be my kid.

So he had this weird insight and then he just kind of put out of his mind because he didn't think it was possible, you know, and I think that he just kind of forgot about it.

Like, when I sent him a picture of my mom when she was 16 and then he I brought her but just at the first he didn't, you know, and so like jogged that memory for him.

And I think how strange is that, like what if he would have took this initiative to find out?

But why would you do?

It's just weird.

It's weird.

How like got billions and stuff are and

work.

Yeah, but it's like you believe what you're told?

So if he wasn't told there's a chance of this or anything like that, you wouldn't believe it.

So, Backing up to, before you met him?

How did you reach out to him?

Did you contact him right away?

Did you

wait?

I did, I kind of lost my mind a little bit because it's unlike me to jump the gun.

I like to think things through a lot, but I was just like, now that I know I need to know.

I need to meet this person.

I need to see if I look like him.

If I look like any of his kids, if he like I need to know all of this.

I can't possibly wait.

One more moment.

And so, I immediately messaged him on the ancestors site and he didn't message me back and so I was like, well I can understand, you know, I can understand the not messaging back, that's what I was thinking in my head but I wasn't going to have it was like if you don't want to know me fine, but if you have kids and stuff and that's their choice, not yours.

So, I felt really her and really angry and so I'm on Facebook I found him on Facebook and I messaged him on Facebook and I friend requested them because I didn't want the same thing to happen.

I swear he didn't see the.

We didn't want to wait two years.

Yeah, yeah.

And he still never messaged me back and it, I can't remember how long I waited, but I also matched with a brother of his on there and so I went on to ancestry and I eat and I messaged him on there and he immediately messaged me back and he's like, hey, I'm gonna call and I'm going to talk to him because he's really busy and he doesn't really use Facebook and he hasn't used ancestry and years.

So he probably hasn't even seen your messages.

And I did also message one of my brothers and he never messaged me back when I messaged him.

I think he was probably in shock.

I have screenshotted the results and send pictures and stuff because I don't want them to think.

I was just some poop.

You know, I would be floored.

So, Chad message and almost immediately, he messaged me back on Facebook and he was like, I have been faithful to my wife since we've been married.

I don't know how this could be possible because of the dates.

And I was like, well, I don't know either.

So I emailed ancestry again.

This guy doesn't know, my mom.

He's been faithful to his wife.

He seems like a great guy.

I know people live, but I have no reason to disbelieve him.

He seems really truthful and genuine.

And so put this be a mistake.

I don't want to ruin someone's life, like please just, I need reassurance, and they were like, there's no way. if he's your father okay and so I sent him the messages from ancestry and in that time I think he must have went and looked up and looked for himself like about how DNA and CMS and all that work with ancestry and he was like yeah there's like no denying it pretty much and so I don't know if he was thinking about the dates wrong or what but Turns out, he has been faithful to his wife

since they were married.

He's a really great guy, it was before they met and he met her soon.

After my mom and they fell in love and he changed his whole life.

Hmm.

And a great husband and a great dad and his kids love him and think he's the best thing ever.

So I love that.

That makes me happy because I would much rather have that.

Then what I thought it

was right?

A predatory kind of situation.

So when did you find out all of this?

When did you discover that was actually your father in June.

Okay, so recent for you.

How long after finding each other and connecting?

Did you get a chance to

meet?

It was pretty fast that you live in Utah County.

I live in the in the Basin and Duchesne County.

So we don't live very far.

It's ours, but not too far and he so I think it was maybe too weak.

Okay,

we met and I was worried, I think I psyched myself out because I was worried about how his wife though.

I was trying to think, how would I feel?

You know, about it?

I think I'd be really accepting, but I think it would be hard because it's a huge change, you know?

And I was really worried about how she would feel about it.

And I was worried about how the kids would feel about it about a different older sibling.

I'm older than all All of them obviously.

And so I read all of these experiences that people had wrote from online from that the woman's point of view when a child is found.

And it made me really scared because they, a lot of them were not happy.

They were angry and unaccepting.

But then I also read, you know, put in view from a woman where the child was an absolute nightmare.

After they Keep that person came into their life.

You know.

So I wanted to be really mindful of that.

I do not want anybody to feel upset, or overwhelmed or like, I was just gonna come in and disrupt their whole life.

And I also was afraid of my life being disrupted because it's, it was scary for me.

I don't know how everything's going to change.

I don't know what's going to happen, and I like to have control over my life, and I felt very out of control.

And so, I feel like I'm a bee.

Was like like a little standoffish.

I was very adamant that I didn't want to be feel overwhelmed and so I think that made them be fearful that they were going to make me feel overwhelmed so I wish I would have thought about it and went about it and a different weight kind of but it still worked out really great.

His wife is amazing, her friends on Facebook, she's you know, a beautiful, beautiful soul, her kids love her, they're a great family, which is very intimidating to me.

Up.

But so I met him first.

He came to my house and he met with E and my partner at our house which was the most comfortable for me.

I didn't want to go anywhere else to me.

I really I use, I think I resemble him but I don't also, it's really weird.

I his eyes make me feel like I'm looking at my own eyes but that's it.

I think maybe we have the same color eyes.

The same shape.

Something.

Huh, not long after that I think it was in August his family.

They were all camping up.

There's like a big Resort type of campaign spot up in the mountain above her knowledge.

I remember what it's called, they were up there camping and they invited us to go up there and have dinner.

So, I got to meet a couple.

That's when I met his wife, that's what I met.

A couple of the siblings I have.

Met all of them.

There's one still haven't met.

He lives in st.

George.

And him and his wife were super busy and so we never have had the chance yet but I'm hoping that we will be able to soon.

And weird thing is, is like I met them.

They're all great people.

We don't really talk that much though.

And I wish that we would but I don't really know what to say and it makes it hard.

I don't want to be this person their life.

That's always like demanding of their time, but I do wish.

That we could get together more and talk more, they're all busy.

They have businesses and stuff.

So they're pretty busy.

And I work I'm and I have five kids.

I have one stepson and then I have four biological children and 12 of those out of those fiber adults, but we are busy.

So so what, what does a relationship with your newfound family look like to you, like, what would Like to see

what I would like to hang out with them warm.

I'd like to get to know them more and you know, be able to do activities but my kids know their other cousins and my I would like for my kids to know their other Grandpa works out of town a lot.

So he's not even home that much so that makes it hard and one of my brother's lives in Salt Lake with his family and one lives in st.

And then to of The other siblings lived in the Spanish Port area, it would be easier to see them.

Part of issue for me, I think is because they're very LDS, I am very not LDS and so I feel it's hard for me because I get worried about that.

I don't know how to really verbalize it, but it's a worry for me that they've been really nice and accepting but it's I can't really explain it.

It's so scary to me because I'm not LDS and I'm never going to be able.

Yes, I don't have anything against it but it's just not right for me.

Did you grow up in it?

I grew up going to church with my grandparents with my dad's parents but I quit going when I was 12 because I had a lot of bad experiences with people and so I didn't like it and I felt more judged by them than I did of other people for

sure.

What about your your mom and your dad?

That raised you are they part of the church

know my dad left the church as soon as he was able he he hates it.

He's the church, my mom.

So even though my grandma grandpa is from Utah, my grandma is actually from California and my grandparents met when my grandpa was enlisted in the Air Force.

And they, my mom grew up mostly in California and so they weren't raised lbs.

Okay?

They was like they believe in God and stuff but they don't practice right.

Well, I know

that that's just a huge part of the culture and Utah and Arizona where I'm from.

Its its large hair to as well.

Does your biological father know that you're not part of the church and not interested in

it?

Yeah, I told him and I didn't really like delve too much into it at first, you know, it's just like, I'm not LDS, but eventually I got this plan.

Boy, I feel like I needed to be really honest with him about things and I just told him, I brought him a text and I was like, I just feel like I need to get this off my chest.

Like I drink, I have not been perfect.

I don't I'm, I will never go to church, I just don't believe in it.

My spirituality is different than what LDS can usually accept, and I'm never going to do those things.

And I hope that you guys can be okay with that.

And he, you know, he was good about it.

He was I think he was worried that he texts me back and asked if I was okay.

And I said, yes, I'm okay.

I just needed you to know that because I don't want to build a relationship with you on false pretenses, right?

I just think that you needed to know that about me.

So I think for us as npe is honesty Becomes of utmost importance, right?

And yeah, the not building a relationship on false pretenses.

That's something that our Our lives were kind of felt on so it's really important to know the truth.

That's great that you were so open with him.

Have you spent any time kind of wondering how your life might have been different?

Had you known about him and maybe been raised by him instead of your

dad, I do think about all the time and it makes me feel really guilty to even entertain the thought it was like I'm being disloyal to my dad but I realized I'm not being A smile.

I love my God.

I was raised by my dad and it's only natural that I would wonder, you know, about how things would be different and they would have been completely different.

I would have been raised half by somebody who was going to church every weekend who had four other kids.

Instead of just me and my brother at home, you know, like it would have been a very different experience and I know that, but I've been better.

I don't know.

I have no idea about that, you know.

No, right.

It's just if

that wasn't really great dad.

I mean I just I think about he took he didn't have to have me.

He could have been like, well, I'm just gonna keep my son.

I don't know what you're gonna do with this kid, you know?

And so he raised me even though he knew I wasn't his kid and he's still my dad today.

He's my my kids grandparent, you know, like I'm spending Thanksgiving with him and with my partner's family and He's my dad.

I can't think any differently about it.

I know I wish that I could have, like, had all of them, you know, that would be, my ultimate wish is that I could have had my dad and my mom and, and that, that would have been a workable situation and maybe it would have if my parents would have thought about what they were doing.

Instead of just making decisions that they thought were best for me without thinking about how I would feel about it, but just know.

I'm, I am a little mad at them.

Out it, I can't help it.

Like goal something from me without thinking about how I feel about it and when I think about that and then I think about their divorce was very bad.

It was a very bad situation and they were not nice about each other or to each other, and it really made a lasting impact on me as a person and in my life and I think their bitterness When I think about their bitterness and then I think about the decisions they made, it makes me very angry and I feel like I under I can understand why my deathbed was mad and understand why he had resentment and I can understand why my mom was angry and I can understand why she made the decisions that she did.

But at the same time I cannot understand or can't you know I'm just like Blown Away by what I think of as their selfishness.

I've never really talked to them about this.

This, you know, I don't because of the way that we were raised, I have an emotionally stunted way of dealing with things now, where I just sweep it under the table and forget about it and we don't talk about it really, and we probably should.

I mean, I feel like you've you seem to have handled it really well.

Did you go through any of that, you know, initial kind of Despair and sadness?

Center and shock, or was it less of a shock?

Because you already knew that your dad wasn't your biological dad, just I'm curious about

that.

I think just because of my personality, I don't really get like shocked I guess I do.

I do.

I was shocked but not in the way how I feel like a lot of people would be.

It's just easy for me just drug things off and not worry about it.

And I thought that's my Go to.

I, I did go through some anger, and I have gone through some sadness, but because I did know at such a young age.

I do think that it has been easier for me as an adult when I found out that, it wasn't what I thought it was and since I had some relief there also, I think that kind of less than that responds to it.

And I think that most of my shock and hard times when we're gone through, when I was a child.

And I think that's Is when it really affected me the most, but I do think that because of the whole situation that I have had a really hard time in knowing who I am and I'm fighting myself.

I feel like I have had identity crisis.

Each time, something has happened, you know, on my fourth now, right?

Yeah, that totally makes sense.

I'm just like I don't even know where it come from.

So I don't know who I am and I don't know where I get these traits from or if I look like somebody or it's just been a lot.

I actually start therapy.

I decided I need to go to therapy and deal with it.

But answer your original question.

Yes, I did have all of those emotions but I don't really outwardly Express them.

I don't feel comfortable doing so.

Mmm, and I think that if I I did Express this stuff directly to my parents I might freak out.

No yeah might be the time that I do kind of lose it because I have been tapping it down for so long.

Yeah I don't really know how to deal with it I

guess.

So kind of to your point about an identity crisis.

Have you had the opportunity to learn more about your grandparents, your great-grandparents on your paternal side and Has he told you a bit about how he grew up and things like that.

Yeah, so we have talked a little bit about how he grew up and he had but sounds like a great childhood grew up, you know, running on a farm and stuff and so that sounds really cool.

His dad has passed away but he was an artist and I'm an artist and he had a gap in his teeth like I do.

And so that was cool to find out.

I don't know that much about his mom yet.

She is still alive.

I'm hoping that I get to me.

Her and my aunts and uncles soon, one of my aunt's actually reached out to me and we've been talking we have a lot in common and she's not lbs so it's really easy to for me to just let loose a little bit with her, but we've talked on the phone and I was really curious about how had told them all about it.

And so, I finally just asked her is like, so, what did he say?

What did he do?

When he told you guys, and she told me that he's, you know, More private than any of them are is like a more private person.

But I just started laughing because this right here is totally out of my comfort zone.

I'm super private even my boyfriend with him, I can be really private and not sharing how I feel.

It's a real issue.

Yeah, so I just had to laugh because I'm like oh my gosh I was so freaking private.

I must get that from him because my mom's not really private, you know, and she told me he just saw them all down at once and I was like, this is the situation.

I hope that you'll support me as I walk down this road and they were all really supportive I guess, and they all want to meet me which I didn't know, I didn't know he had told his mom.

I knew that his brother track knew because we had talked, but I didn't know if he had told everybody else.

I only knew that he had told his kids and so when she reached out to me, I was really excited and we had a missed opportunity.

I He's at this concert in Salt Lake and she was there too, and she saw me.

And she wanted to come and say hello to me.

But she didn't because she didn't know how I would react or my kids were there with me too.

And she didn't want to cross any boundaries and I was like girl I've known since I was eight years old my kids all know they've known since they were little.

They know that grandpa duck is Grandpa dog but that he's not my real dad and It's not a secret.

I wish you would have came but I am glad that she had that respect for me as well.

Yeah, that's that's great.

Especially kind of what you were talking about.

Not wanting to be super overwhelmed and those kinds of things.

Like it's cool that she just instinctively respected your boundaries even though you really would have been open to it.

Yeah, it would have been cool to meet her.

I do want to meet her.

She's awesome.

She has her own, beautiful story.

I want to share it because not mine to share, but she can relate to me in ways that the rest of the family can't because of some of her life experiences and I think that's helped us and she when she told me that her mother and the other aunts and uncles wanted to meet me it was so like over it was overwhelming for me to hear it and I was literally just like laughing and stuff and then when she told me, I just like started bawling.

Yeah, because I was like so happy but it's overwhelming a lot for me.

It is you.

What is your relationship like with your parents?

Now your mom and your dad that raised you.

So I, you know, in my mind I feel like I'm pretty close with both my parents.

For some people I don't think they would consider a close relationship because it's like on a spectrum.

You know, some people are way closer with their parents and they know everything about everything that they're doing my parents and I aren't like that.

I'm very independent, you know.

So I do talk to my mom quite often.

I don't really share a lot with my family, so because I'm very private and it's just how I've always been.

So, we're closed and we love each.

Each other, but I don't share like conflicts or problems with them.

Sometimes I do share good things but we're just in my mind, that's close.

Yeah, I know some people, it's not my mom comes and sees that my house, my dad comes and visits when he has a chance.

I don't talk to my dad that much on the phone, but when were in person, we have a great Bond and, you know, we're not home people, I guess and he lives in Cedar City, so it was pretty far from me.

I feel like we're close based upon my idea

of closeness.

And you have like you said, you have some of the anger but it hasn't been something you've talked about with them yet.

No, I haven't really talked with them about it and I feel like we probably need to talk about it.

It's a hard thing to talk about though

for sure.

Are they supportive of your relationship

with?

I think.

I mean they haven't came out and really set you don't really talk about it, you know.

So I told You know, so obviously I'm a little close to my mom's.

The first thing I did was screenshot to her being like, what the hell mom, you know, it's called me, but we've talked about it a little bit.

She feels.

I don't know how she feels about it.

I think in some ways maybe she's happy for me, she knows that.

I deserve to know my birth family is, I think in some ways she might be a little threatened by it because it's scary for her to, you know, I'm her daughter and now she's Going to have to share me with a whole other family too.

Mmm, and I think that she is scared and I think also she might have some feelings about the fact that she doesn't remember him.

That makes her feel a certain way.

Yeah, some shame probably there.

Yeah with my dad I

just told him I did a DNA test and it came back with my biological parent and it's not, it's this other guy and That's it.

We haven't really talked about it again.

so it's been about six months for you.

How are you feeling now?

Are your feelings, mostly positive.

Where are you at in your

journey?

So I feel really good about it.

Jesus.

It's still overwhelming to me in a lot of ways but it's not so much.

I've been able to soak it in and accept it.

There are times that it's harder than other times and I do have a lot of I don't regret isn't the right word I guess but I have a lot of thoughts and feelings.

On like how we talked about what it would have been like to be raised with him, he is a great dad.

You know, I definitely missed out on being raised by him because he's a great guy and he was a great dad but the same time I have a great dad to.

And it's like I wasn't raised by him.

I would have missed out on a lot and so I constantly am throwing these thoughts back and forth, and I just know you can't change it and all you can do is move forward.

I don't know if we're going to ever have a close relationship.

A ship like what I would like to have it because I just, I don't know.

Like, we don't talk a lot.

We don't get together much.

I'm going to see him and I'm some family, I'm not sure who's going to.

I'll be there on the Saturday.

After Thanksgiving, we're going to stop on our way home and have dinner with them.

And so that's going to be fun and exciting.

I think that they're doing the best that they can with the time that they have available and with what they're comfortable.

Well with and so I have to be willing to accept that and maybe they're like me.

Maybe they're waiting for me to reach out to them because they don't want to overwhelm me, right?

And so, I don't really know how to handle the situation is just such new territory and I don't know how to what to do.

I have no

clue, there's no handbook, there's no handbook for us.

Yeah, everybody reacts to a different.

So you can have four siblings three who really want to get to know you, but then there's going to be that one.

That's like well, like I'm happy that you found your dad and I'm happy that my dad found out, but I really don't care.

Do you know, right?

What advice would you give parents or a mother of a child who maybe doesn't know about their npe status?

They need to tell them.

The truth is the only way to go.

You're you deserve to know where you come from.

And even if that person isn't a part of your life, you still deserve to know and to you deserve to base your conclusions of that person on how you feel about them, instead of how other people feel about them also.

Like I just, I feel like I've seen this so much even in my own family.

There's other people that don't know who Their dad is and not in my direct, not my kids, but like I haven't had a niece who she unfortunately is deceased now, but she didn't know growing up her whole life who her real father is.

And I believe wholeheartedly that it affected her for the worst, you know?

And it's not, right?

And it's not fair to hide the truth, we deserve to know and we deserve to make our own decisions.

On whether we want to have a relationship or not.

And I think it's incredibly selfish to, to do that to somebody, and it really throws you for a loop.

When you find out, it's really hard and heartbreaking.

What advice would you give someone who just found out that they are an NP e?

Don't overthink it, don't overthink it.

And you have to realize that all those things that you're feeling that parent and that parents family is filling them to you.

It might not be exactly the same but they're having feelings of turmoil and feelings of being overwhelmed and it might not be easy for them, people just need time.

Oh Wendy, I wish you the best of luck on.

Your journey.

Thank you so much for being open and sharing your story.

I'm sure it will help people that are in similar situations.

So thank you.

Thank you for having me.

It was really great.

Awesome.

I was I'm happy to finally have talked about it really and get it out a little.

Thanks again, to Wendy for sharing her story.

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