Courtney B’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

Going through the medical stuff, I'm one of the lucky siblings.

I don't have the genetic mutation, but that is the piece when I had to go through the genetic counseling to have the testing done, the genetic counselor said something she's like, this could be life saving information for you and for your children.

And that piece just hit me in a pretty profound way that I didn't even think about.

And that's where, you know, I've been pretty irritated with my mom not wanting to ever share that with me, that this could have caused me to not be around for a long time and my kids to have a higher risk of cancer.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis Oursalt.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

Everyone has the right to know where they come from.

They deserve to know their family history, stories, and traditions.

They have the right to know where their features come from and who else shares their aptitudes and interests.

And just as importantly, or maybe most importantly of all, they have the right to know their medical history.

In this week's episode, Courtney shares why her discovery wasn't a surprise to her.

It wasn't particularly upsetting either, but what has brought up some frustration and anger is the fact that her discovery uncovered important medical information.

She shares how she learned the truth, what happened when she confronted her mother, and how she's exploring relationships with her new found family.

Thank you for sharing your story, Courtney.

Hi, I'm Courtney, I am 40 and I live in the metro area outside of Denver, Co, so mine's pretty new.

I just found out in August of 2024.

But it wasn't a huge surprise.

I think I always knew as a young child.

I'm a middle child, but I'm much younger than my oldest sister.

She's 13 years older than me and then my brother is 3 years younger than I am.

But both of them look very different from me.

I'm much shorter than them.

I'm the only one that has light colored hair, light eyes, light skin.

They're all dark hair, darker skinned.

They can tan.

I can't tan ever so we I would always joke that somebody was not related.

I'd be like, mom Are you sure?

I never had a really good relationship with the man that raised me.

He's very unhealthy.

He had a lot of mental health issues, some substance abuse issues, and he was pretty abusive.

So I separated myself from him as an adult and haven't had any real contact with him in the last like 15 years, outside of seeing him when his mom passed away in 2019 I want to say.

So I haven't seen him, talk to him, I avoid him at all costs and that really wasn't very hard for me to be done with him, whereas it's been harder for my older sister and my younger brother.

My grandfather on my mom's side had done genealogy work for his church.

I'd always been fascinated by looking at the trees.

And he said he could trace my lineage back to Adam and Eve.

It's not super accurate, but he at least does go back pretty far in the records.

And so this past year, I had started at work, work in like the child welfare area, and I was the supervisor of the team and we do FamilySearch.

So it's very similar to genealogy work or FamilySearch, but it is more for children or young people who are involved in the child protection system and finding relatives for them that could be placement and or supports.

Somebody I was supervising had told me that they'd done an ancestry test and how cool it was and how much it was helping them and building family trees and learning the process.

So when Prime came around this past summer, I was like, Oh yeah, that's like 39 bucks.

This sounds like a great idea.

So I got it, sat for a little bit and then I did it.

I wasn't expecting anything.

My husband and I and our two kids had gone up to see my mom and I was just joking with her about is there anything you need to tell me?

My DNA results should be coming in.

So now's your time.

You think I have any half siblings out there?

I don't know.

I was joking about it a lot and my husband was pretty mad at me that I would be so harsh to my mom, but she didn't even flinch.

Didn't even flinch.

So the next week when I got the e-mail saying my results are in, I was sitting on my couch with my daughter.

My husband was at work.

I didn't even think about it.

I opened it up and the first thing I see is that I've matched with my biological father and it has his name.

I've never heard this name before.

I thought well maybe the man that raised me put had done a test and he did some kind of shady stuff so maybe he put his name as something different.

But I didn't.

I didn't even know what to do so I just screenshotted it and sent it to my husband who then promptly called me and was like what does this mean?

I just was laughing 'cause I.

It was the craziest surprise but not really a surprise.

Like I guess this makes a lot of sense.

So then it went into Googling everything and he had passed and we found his obituary pretty quickly.

I came to find out he was a pretty high profile member of the community where I was born.

I was born in a different state and had moved to Colorado when I was about 5.

It's a very different world from the state I was born in, very different cultures, religions, all of those things.

So I was, I'm looking at this man's face and he looks so old.

I can't figure out what had happened.

Like, how does this happen?

How is this very old man my father?

And then I have to realize it's been 40 years.

So it was a big process reading that there's very high-ranking member.

Yeah, it was very overwhelming.

You fall victim to the Prime Day.

Deal, which so many of us, myself included, that is how we uncover our surprise, is we just take advantage of a deal, take the test.

However, it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Is that fair to say because you were not close to your father who you thought was your biological father?

Did you approach it with more just like curiosity?

Were you upset at all to learn this information?

No, I think that was the strangest pieces.

I didn't.

I really haven't been angry up until recently, and that has more to do with just confronting some of those things with my mom.

But I I laughed like it was and all I could feel was kind of some relief and validation 'cause I knew something wasn't right.

It's something I've heard through a lot of other stories where people have been like, it just didn't feel right and I never quite put my finger on it.

And then once it happened, it's all just clicked into place.

And even things about my personality, like my interests, what I do for work, all of that stuff has made a whole lot more sense now than any of the other stuff.

What did you learn being you learned that he's a high profile person in a community that's very different than yours.

What else do you learn?

I learned.

That he had developed a program at a college that was eventually named after him that would help people from lower socioeconomic statuses or just different backgrounds get their high school diploma, get training, things like that.

He worked really hard, and then he was in the legislature, so a lot of stuff around laws.

And that piece has always been something I've been very good at.

And public service is what I've been doing since I graduated from college.

Just reading about some of the things he'd done it, I was like, wow, that is very similar to what I've been working on.

I also found out that I had, well, I have six older, 6 new older half siblings.

So I went from having two siblings to now 8, seven of which are older than me and then one that's younger.

And then I, through Facebook, it's amazing how much people post online.

I was able to find out how he had passed and then some other very important medical information that kind of expedited the decisions I was making about making contact since he was deceased.

So I found out things around genetic concerns that I had a 5050 chance of having.

So that didn't give me a whole lot of time to sit.

I'm 40.

I had just gone through all of the medical questions, all of these things around like does anybody have cancer?

All of that.

And that had all changed.

Very.

Quickly, did you actually reach out to these siblings then?

I did.

I reached out to Soya so matched with an aunt so his younger sister.

I reached out to her on Ancestry.

Quickly figured out that nobody checks that stuff.

So then I went down the Facebook hole and I was able to find four of the six siblings contact information.

I started messaging them on Facebook but that just went into like a black hole of messages where they didn't see anything.

And I told my mom and my husband I would give it 2 solid weeks of attempts.

I would do what I do for work to try to make contact with people.

So phone, text, e-mail, Facebook.

And then the last step was letters.

So I had mailed letters to all six of the siblings.

Just, you know, who I was, How I found out that they didn't, I wasn't expecting anything from them.

I wanted to know medical information and if they wanted to have a relationship with me, I was open to that.

And then my mom had had the genius idea of going through the church and was able to contact one of the children's bishops, sent him an e-mail.

So the same day that I mailed the letters, my mom got a phone call from one of my half siblings, like one of my half brothers who had been contacted by the church.

And then he made contact with my mom.

Wow.

Yeah.

OK.

So your mom is helping then in this quest?

Yes.

So take me back after you had this discovery, how soon did you talk to your mom?

So after I talked to my husband, it was probably an hour.

I'm not a patient person.

I never have been, and I'd rather just know.

So I called her and I kind of hinted at things.

She wouldn't give me anything.

She didn't even hesitate around any of it.

And so I was like, well, maybe she doesn't want to talk.

And I was worried something like this had been a bad thing.

Like I don't, I didn't know how I was conceived.

I didn't know.

And so I took the same screenshot I sent my husband and I sent it to her.

And she immediately Facetimed me because we live far enough away that we just can't get in the car and come.

So she said she wanted to do this.

She knew it was coming, but she wanted to tell me face to face as best as she could.

And so she told me that she'd had an affair with her boss and confirmed that he was my dad.

She wasn't always sure she'd had her suspicions, but he had asked that she take care of me and that he could not be involved 'cause he didn't want to ruin his family.

And so then both of them just kept these secrets for very long time.

She did say he met me when I was a baby and that she'd told nobody.

So you're birth certificate father did not know?

She says no, I truly don't.

I mean once I found this out some of the things started to get pieced together.

I had remembered like her talking about somebody that she had loved that she had worked with, but because they were both married it wasn't possible.

And my the dad that raised me, he had made like comments about my mom cheating on him and stuff.

But that was where it stopped.

So then to hear all of this, like all of the pieces started coming together.

I was like, so this is the person you were talking about?

And she confirmed it was.

She's been fairly open about sharing.

As much as I want to know, they had a very long term affair for several years they were together.

I do believe my mom really loved him.

And I just think because of where they were at, it wouldn't have worked out for anybody.

I don't blame her for not telling me.

The man that raised me was not a good person and it would have been very, very bad if he had found out.

And so I do think there was some like level of protection there.

When I said that the anger hasn't come about until recently, my mom is pretty adamant that she would have never told me she wanted to take this to the grave and she never wanted me to find out.

And I've that piece I told her I think is very unfair and incredibly selfish because it's not hers anymore, it's mine and just shared all of that impact with her going through the medical stuff.

I'm one of the lucky siblings.

I don't have the genetic mutation, but that is the piece.

When I had to go through the genetic counseling to have the testing done, the genetic counselor said something she's like, this could be life saving information for you and for your children.

Yeah, After you shared that piece with her, the the level of impact that this information had, what was her reaction?

Has she expressed any remorse for keeping the secret from you even though she planned to take it to the grave?

I think it's really hard for her knowing the culture she like where how she grew up.

Like she had my sister when she was 17, she was forced to get married.

Nobody would really help if things were bad.

So like when she went to her parents or when she went to the church saying, talking about abuse, everybody just said like, this is you made your bed, you get to lie in it.

And so I think that has created kind of a person who has to protect themselves.

So I have so much empathy for her, but she's not willing to budget on that.

She'll say things like, well, if I had known about the cancer, then I would have said something if I would have known about this.

She's like, that's why I helped you because I don't want anything bad to happen to you and I don't want you to be hurt.

But I didn't want this to be reopened.

So we're like, I've set some pretty per firm boundaries with her, which she's not happy about, but she's doing well with.

And I'm encouraging her to seek some of her own kind of therapeutic support to kind of process through the years and years and years of stuff that she's just got buried.

What do some of those boundaries look like?

I've talked.

To five of my six siblings.

Now there's only one that's kind of a holdout, but there's things like I got a bunch of Christmas cards and pictures from them for Christmas.

So my mom was coming over to see our kids and spend some time with us after Christmas and I told her there's going to be pictures on the fridge.

I'm not taking them down.

I'm not going to hide it.

I'm very open with my kids about it, everybody.

I'm open with people about this.

But I'm not going to talk to her about specific things like I won't talk to her about my feelings.

I won't ask her any of her feelings.

Like I'm just, I have to be able to do this on my own and go walk through this by myself without regard for her feelings that makes.

Sense, even though you do have, I can tell you have a lot of empathy for her and the things that she has been through in her life.

And it it maybe explains some of the choices that she made, but it doesn't excuse the choices that she made, right?

That is right on.

Yeah, it's a I mean, she had a life that I am amazed that she pulled herself out of and is in a position she's in.

And I see the man that raised me and the path that he's on and where he's at, it's pretty remarkable.

Like my mom stepped away.

She has a house.

She's still working.

I don't think she'll ever stop working.

And she's open to feedback and she listens to me and she's willing to walk through this, like willing to call a therapist.

So I have to appreciate that.

But I'm still really upset about this.

So what did?

Your raised siblings think of all this.

You said you're very open about it with everyone.

My.

Older sister I don't have a relationship with.

She had a much different childhood, being raised by two teen parents, were forced to get married, and then one was significant issues.

She's doing her own thing in a different state and she's 13 years older than me.

She left when she was 17, so I was 4, my brother was 1.

So she still sees us as very young kids and has a hard time kind of relating to it.

She'll say things like you guys had a perfect childhood and I was the one.

So it's just not healthy.

My younger brother is was very matter of fact and he's like, OK, that makes a whole lot of sense.

He's an engineer.

He processes things very differently and he's like, well, it doesn't change anything.

Like you're still my sister.

And I think it's taken him some time to kind of go through it.

So I've been trying to figure out what information he wants and then when it's too much, I didn't know how he was going to take it and I wasn't sure I was going to tell him.

And then I told my mom we have to tell him.

I'm not keeping this from him.

And so she was the one that asked to tell him.

So she didn't.

And.

What about your new found siblings?

Were they surprised to learn that their father had an affair?

What was their reaction?

So it was the same reaction I had.

They were surprised, but they weren't surprised.

All of them knew about my mom, so it had been part of their upbringing.

They knew their dad had had affairs.

My mom was the first of three.

I've come to find out.

And so we'll joke and be like, there could be some other ones, who knows.

We'll see what comes.

But the five I've spoken to have been really great.

I've met two of them in person.

The youngest 2 are twins and they are five years older than me.

And so I've been able to meet both of them in person and they're a ton of fun.

I've been able to like we did.

I did a Zoom call with two of my sisters, and it's one of those things where I never really knew where I got some of my features from or some of my mannerisms, 'cause they're so different from my other siblings.

And I'm looking at a screen and watching somebody mirror my face.

The way we kind of turn, they all laughed, 'cause I was like, I can send you guys proof of this.

And they're like, Nope.

We looked at your picture, you've got our chin.

You know, it's been a very unique experience.

But yeah, it's unlike anything I've ever experienced.

But they've been really great.

The oldest brother that I talked to, he's much older than me, like 20 years older than me.

So he has children my age and then who have grandchildren older than my children.

So it's, it's very unique.

And my husband and I laugh, 'cause my husband's an only child.

My brother doesn't plan on having children.

So when we had our first child, I was like, well, I think we need to have two 'cause there's like nobody.

They have nobody.

And now they have a lot of cousins, like a lot.

And it's almost overwhelming thinking about just the number of people that have now come under my family tree.

Do you?

Feel pretty welcomed by them.

Like do you feel like your family so to speak?

I mean it hasn't been that long so I know it takes time to build the relationship but I'm curious.

That is one of the.

Strangest things like not knowing, I was like, well, what does this mean?

They're all very close.

They talk.

I had messages with all of them that same night that the brother had shared with them.

I've talked to them.

I've met two of them.

One of them has been out here twice.

I met him in October and then I met both of them in December.

Like they're like, well, hope you know, our side's Thanksgiving is next year enough when we use our the language and stuff.

And I was like, I don't know what to call you.

And they're like, well, we're calling you our sibling.

We're not going to talk about this half stuff.

You're our sibling.

I now have this many sisters and this many brothers sending pictures, sending Christmas cards, All of those things has been.

Sometimes it's very overwhelming and I'm just trying to go with it as much as I can and not be too afraid of the possibilities.

But it is.

It's a lot.

How have?

Your kids taken it.

They're pretty young.

My oldest is 4, the other one is going to be two here shortly.

The four year old thinks this is the greatest thing in the world because now she has more uncles.

We've started to use like this is your uncle so and so.

And that's why I have pictures up.

There's like these weird little things like my oldest has red hair.

We had no idea where the red hair came from.

Nobody else in the family had had red hair since my mom's mom.

But none of my cousins, none of their children had red hair.

Here's my little redhead.

And then my biological father had red hair and my oldest has the same color red hair as a ton of her cousins.

So it's just, it's very fascinating how those genes have.

Come.

Through and I, you know, I used to be a big that nature versus nurturer being in child protection and stuff.

And we, you know, you kind of argue about that and I'm having a very humbling moment thinking about how much genes like what an impact that has on a person and how important that is.

Well, that.

Is a perfect segue to a question that I wanted to ask you because you work in child welfare in this community where we have adoption and these family relationships, people have had complicated family dynamics and all of those things come into play with Child Protective Services and child welfare.

So in addition to the nature versus nurture conversation, how has your DNA surprise impacted the work that you do?

I think it's further just my belief in how important it is to maintain those family relationships.

We've done a lot of work on ensuring that we place with family when possible, and more often than not we are placing with family.

But then even when that's not possible, how do we maintain those familial connections?

For majority of my time I worked with teenagers and so I'd worked with teenagers who'd been adopted through the system and then those disrupted adoptions would disrupt and they would re enter care.

There was conflict around want them wanting to have contact with their birth families.

I've seen kids come from some of the most horrific abuse imaginable and still want to have contact and still want to know the their birth family and seeking that out.

And so it's changed and more of like, how do we make this safe and how can we support this as a system?

And that is this just further cemented that like, I'm like, well, yes, now I'm going to be completely biased that this is incredibly important.

You mentioned that your mother was the first of three affairs that your biological father had.

Are there any questions about the potential for additional siblings being out there?

They don't think so.

What I do know is that my biological father did share with his wife at some point.

I have not been able to clarify this but he did tell her about me and the potential that I was his because my sisters told me that about a year ago.

Their mom had told them I think you have 1/2 sister out there.

I remember meeting her as a baby but I don't know and they were like well how?

How do you go about finding this?

So the sisters had heard about me.

The rest are all boys.

So it's four boys, 2 girls.

The boys had no idea, so they were more shocked, but their mom had told them that I was out there and their mom has said that like she came to one of my baby showers and that she remembers me as a baby.

So I don't know when she found out about me or if she's known all along.

They did say she wants to meet me and she wants to talk to me and that she's been asking to make sure that I'm OK.

Oh.

Wow, that's really kind.

And how serendipitous that she told them about you right before you had your discovery.

The timing.

Is very, very strange 'cause when I looked at Ancestry, my birth father had taken the test to almost 10 years exactly to when I got my results.

So he joined in August of 2014 and then I got mine in August of 2024.

So there's I was like, that's very strange, 10 years.

He passed in 2021, so he's been gone for several years at this point.

When I first looked at the data, I was like, that seems like a long time ago and he'd put his stuff on some of the other DNA websites.

I have to wonder if he did that for me to find him.

That's the only thing I know, 'cause I'm like, if you know you have a potential kid out there, not many people are going to take DNA tests unless they're.

Ready to match?

With them right, they're not going.

To put themselves out there.

Yeah, yeah.

What questions do you still have for your mother or I know that you can't ask him, but for your birth father, I think I would want to know from him.

And this is probably something I'll eventually ask his wife.

Is did he ever wonder about meeting me or want to and why I I truly do not understand how you can see a baby, know they're yours and just step away.

I can't imagine doing that and then I also can't.

I'm like how do you keep this secret for 40 years?

Those are more questions I have and I'm hoping his wife can give me some idea or insight into, but other than that I think my mom's been really open.

I hope she does some work of her own.

What's?

Next for you, are you going to spend Thanksgiving with you?

I don't know, with your newfound family?

This.

Oh my gosh, that.

Sounds so overwhelming.

I always laugh because Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times because it's quiet there's like five of us, we're in pajamas.

It's very mellow, very laid back and I'm thinking about how you fit that many people in a house with that many children.

I can't even I don't know it's, I will probably go just to experience it, but it's going to be a lot.

I do plan on taking a road trip as soon as we can kind of get through some of the things we've got going on, but probably spring, early summer to see how many people I can meet before then.

That's exciting.

It's really.

Nice to hear a story where you know, it's not that it was just fine that that happened right?

Like it's, it's still not OK to have that secret kept from you, but to see how well you're handling it and how you're navigating it is, is really inspiring.

I I.

Applaud the EMDR.

I laugh because we were.

So I've been doing therapy to deal with like past trauma from childhood and stuff.

And I had done EMDR and it is the greatest thing I've ever done.

It's really, I'm like, if I had found this out five years ago before I'd done that, I would be a mess.

But really just being able to kind of calm myself and center has been incredibly helpful.

And just knowing that I can get through this just like a lot of other things.

But my therapist and I were in the process of me being done with therapy after so many years of doing this.

We were going to end things at the end of the year, and when I called her, I was like, I need an appointment.

She's like, what's going on?

You never called me for appointments.

It's like, well, I guess we're not going to be ending therapy for a little while.

So.

But EMDR has been my yeah, it's been what has helped me probably the most.

I.

I cosign EMDR has been instrumental for me too.

It's you know, everybody has to find something that works for them.

But many people that I talked to have sung the praises of EMDR as well.

Is there anything else that's been super helpful to you as you navigate this?

I think just being able to breathe through some stuff, I think there's been times where I've been so overwhelmed that I feel like I've lost my breath and that just grounding myself, knowing I don't have to solve everything right now, that I'm not going to have any idea what I'm doing.

This is a long term piece but really I've tried to go into this without any expectations.

I have no idea what kind of relationship I'm going to have with this new found family.

I don't know how things are going to go if Thanksgiving is going to happen.

But I'm just trying to find a lot of the positives in those interactions I have and extending myself a little bit more than I usually do, like sending them messages, sending them pictures, maybe posting things on Facebook that I never posted before, just so I can be open to whatever possibilities there are that's.

Great.

What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child?

Tell them when I think about what that genetic counselor said to me, that that information can be life saving.

Tell them there isn't going to be a good time or a right time if you don't tell them right away.

The next best time is right now and let them go through it.

It's their process and they can handle it.

What?

Advice do you have for someone who just uncovered adna surprise?

This is the hardest part because I think I listened to so many podcasts and I did all sorts of research when I found out, 'cause I had no idea this was a thing, and now I've realized that it is.

It's a very big thing and we are a pretty big community that's growing.

I think.

Find ways to distract yourself.

It's incredibly overwhelming and too much for any person to handle right away.

Break it down.

It doesn't have to be solved tomorrow.

We don't have to get through everything, but just find those things that bring you joy.

It's finding those little moments where you can distract yourself so you're not thinking about it constantly.

Music, that's been my big one, going and doing things with my kids.

But just giving myself a little bit of a break from all of this overwhelming stuff.

That's a good.

Piece of advice to give yourself a break 'cause it's so much, so much, especially in the beginning.

Yeah, it's so.

Much and it keeps you up and it invades everything and it can be super triggering.

I think I was taking my daughter to go see Moana and she's like, mom, why do I have red hair?

It's just like those little things.

And it just completely washed over me.

And so I have to really find those times where I'm not thinking about it and I'm doing something that's there's absolutely no way something's going to get brought up or triggered.

Courtney.

Thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

I know that you will help others by sharing your journey.

I wish you the best and keep me posted on Thanksgiving.

Thank you.

Thanks again to Courtney for sharing her story.

If you have adna surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprises.com and for early ad free access to episodes, be sure to join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises.

Until next time, This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.