Shannon W’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

I'm not a religious person.

I did not grow up religious at all.

But when I initially got my DNA results through Ancestry and I had that second cousin match that led me to Facebook and my own private investigating, I always describe it as there had to have been some divine intervention there.

Because the person I found that led me to the correct family is somebody who did not take ADNA test and was not that person on Ancestry.

I'm like, what the heck just happened?

So bizarre.

But I'm grateful for that.

And yeah, I don't know how to explain it, but it led me to the right person.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host Alexis, our salt.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

Not every DNA surprise has a happy ending, and sometimes what seems like a happy ending takes a turn.

Shannon’s Story

But the opposite is also true.

In this week's episode, Shannon shares how she learned the truth about her paternity and had to wait several years before she could identify her biological father.

When she finally found him, he was receptive before quickly closing off any hope of a relationship until he had another change of heart.

Thank you for sharing your story, Shannon.

Speaker 1

My name is Shannon.

I am 45 years old and from the western suburbs of Chicago in Illinois.

My story is maybe a little different than ones that you've previously heard, but I know that it will resonate with other people.

So I grew up the youngest of five children.

It was very known in my family that my oldest two siblings had different fathers than the youngest 3.

So forsake of, you know, clarifying, I will say my oldest siblings are A&B and then the younger three are CD, and then there's me.

So A had one father, which was well known in my family.

Everybody talked about it.

We knew his name.

B had a different father also talked about.

We all knew his name.

CD and me apparently had the same father and that was my birth certificate father.

So I call him dad and that's how I'll refer to him.

So my dad, who raised me, was the father of my middle two siblings, C&D.

Growing up, I always knew that I was a little different.

I had darker skin than my siblings.

It was just not something that was really talked about.

And as I got to be a little bit older, probably around 7 or 8 years old, I would always want to hang out with my older brother, who's four years older than me.

And he and his friends would often call me names and use racial slurs.

And, you know, that's kind of the beginning where I started to really understand that there's something different here.

Fast forward, I not only physically look differently than my siblings, but personality wise and pretty much every other way, I, I was the black sheep of the family.

Drugs and alcohol ran rampant among my four older siblings.

There was schizophrenia in my family.

There was a lot of just a lot of stuff.

There was a lot of chaos in my house.

I was the kid who flew under the radar and did not get involved with drugs or alcohol.

Went through, graduated high school, never caused any trouble.

I was that kid because I knew my parents were busy with everybody else.

Fast forward to when I was about 16, my mom's sister, so my maternal aunt, she and I were pretty close and she would often take me up to Madison, WI just for the day, just to go shopping, just spend time together.

And she told me just kind of out of the blue that my dad was not my biological father.

And at this point, I had suspected it for many years.

So I kind of knew.

And I don't even remember how I responded to that, but I remember that conversation.

And I think, you know, probably a little bit of dissociation there where I just kind of blocked everything out because I don't remember anything after that.

So hearing that from my aunt kind of confirmed it for me.

And I never asked about it because my dad treated me as his own child and I was his kid.

So I knew that by asking about it, it would kind of upset him.

And I didn't want to do that.

Prior to that conversation, when you kind of always knew that you were different from your family, did you wonder, like, am I adopted or is my dad my biological father?

I think oftentimes people say they think that they were adopted.

They don't necessarily suspect that it's one parent.

Sure.

Yeah.

So knowing the history and that my mom had other children prior to meeting my dad, I I never had the feeling I was adopted.

I look just like my mom, just darker skin.

So I was like, I know that that is there, but there was always that part of me that would look for similarities between myself and my dad because even though I suspected it, I didn't want to believe it.

So I would always look at like his hand shape or, you know, his toes and just like weird things like that, his ears.

And I'm like, do we have the same features?

So I never asked about it because I didn't want to upset my dad and he like I said, treated me just like his own child.

Never showed me that I was different.

I did often wonder after my aunt told me if I had other siblings and if they were more like me.

And so that was always something that kind of consumed my thoughts, but again, never asked.

So after I got married and was pregnant, that was when I decided that I needed some answers and asked my mom.

We were at their house and I was able to get her just alone.

So I had asked her, you know, because I also struggle with a number of health problems and I'm the only one in my family who has those problems.

They are not passed down from my mom's side.

They were not passed down from any other side that I knew of.

So while I was pregnant, my husband and I knew we were only going to have one child and we wanted to make sure that he was healthy.

So growing up and not knowing the other half of my medical history, I felt it was important to ask my mom.

So I just kind of point blank asked her, you know who my father is.

And she got very quiet and started to cry.

And she told me his name.

It is essentially the Hispanic equivalent of John Smith.

And she told me what town he lived in, which in my area is growing up, it was a very Hispanic area.

So I was like, well, this is a needle in a haystack.

Thanks, mom.

So that was literally all she gave me was a name and where she knew him from.

When you're having this conversation with your mom.

What year is it?

So this is 2008.

OK, so this is before you could just take an ancestry test.

So at this point you're trying to get information from her and then as you said, she gives you basically a John Smith type name.

What do you do next with that information?

So when she gave me the name and told me what town he lived in, I did.

You know, a Google search and was not able to find anything.

And when she gave me the name, I'll give you the first name, and she said it was Al.

I was like, what is Al short for mom?

So I didn't have that either.

So it made it very difficult finding anything on my father.

I chopped it up to being a lost cause and just kind of went on and still never mentioned it to my dad.

Fast forward to 2015.

At that point I was at home recovering from a spinal surgery and my eldest brother, so sibling B, had unexpectedly died.

He was the one growing up who knew his father, and as a teenager I tried to help him find his father.

We were able to find his phone number and I was there when he called him and his father rejected him and said, I don't know you.

I don't want I don't want anything to do with you.

And I saw what that did to him.

So thinking back on my brother, I was like, I need to find out who my father is.

At that point, DNA testing was commercially available and I ordered a test.

It took a long time.

So this was December, so I didn't get results until probably March of 2016.

I got those results and recognized my maternal side and there were a lot of Hispanic names and I was like, OK, well I know that this is true, but I didn't have any close connections.

The closest one I had was a second cousin with the initials of S S and on Ancestry it said her name.

So I was like all right, well this is something to go on.

So I did what any DNA detective would do and decided to do some private investigating.

So I hopped on social media and I was like, all right, let's look for this s s person in the town my mom told me my biological father was from.

So I looked and I found one in that town by the same name, and I was like, all right, let's look through the friends list and see if maybe she has a person on there by the name of my father.

So I looked, scanning through her friends, and there was somebody with the same name, but he was a junior.

So I clicked on that profile, decided, OK, if he's a junior and he's about my age, a little younger, what do his parents look like?

So I was scanning through his photos, I came across a picture of his mom and dad when they were younger, probably twenties, 30s.

And as soon as I saw that, I knew looking at that man that was my father, the similarities were there.

It was the eyes, it was the eye shape.

Everything I said, that is who I'm looking for.

How did you feel when you saw that when you saw him?

I, you know, it was a very bizarre thing because I said I've always looked just like my mom, But then I saw that and was like, holy cow, I look like my dad.

So I knew.

And, you know, I wanted to tread lightly.

I had sat down with my birth certificate father, the man who raised me, and we talked about this and he was upset because he thought my mom had told me years ago.

The Conversation with My Birth Certificate Father

I said she never told me.

I asked her and that's how I found out.

He knew.

He knew I was not his.

When did you have this conversation with him and what made you decide to have the conversation?

We had this discussion probably in March.

So right after I got my DNA test results, he came to my house and we just had a one-on-one chat.

And the reason was that I was pretty vocal about looking for the side of my family that I didn't know.

And I was pretty vocal about my reasons that I needed to know my health history and my son needed his health history.

I got some pushback from some siblings for even looking because how dare I do that?

My dad is my dad and he raised me and just by looking I said it doesn't negate the fact that he is the man who raised me.

He's my dad.

But this has also been kept from me my whole life and I need that information.

Did all of your siblings know that you knew before your dad did and everything?

They So here's the thing about my family.

The Piece of Information That Solidified Everything

So we growing up we knew both of my oldest siblings had different dads.

It was well known.

It was also well known in my family that I had a different dad and everybody talked about it, but nobody talked to me about it.

So everybody knew but had never talked to me about it.

So growing up, my siblings knew everybody knew aunts, uncles, cousins.

And.

My dad, he not only knew, but he gave me the piece of information that kind of solidified everything.

He told me I worked with your biological uncle for years.

I was like, I'm sorry, what?

And he said we work together and he was a great friend.

He told me his name.

So I had sent a message to this s s person and just asked, do you have an uncle maybe by this name?

And told her that I had never met my biological father and was just looking for that medical background.

So she responded to me and said that she had a step uncle by that name and said I'm going to connect you to my sister because she is his biological niece.

I was like, OK, and also this s s that I found had never taken ADNA test.

So I started talking to her sister and I'm like, all right, so you have an uncle by this name and you know, she saw photos of me from when I was a kid.

She was like, holy cow, you are a part of this family.

At this point, I reached out to the junior.

So my biological father's son, I reached out to him and just asked a couple questions.

I had asked him if he had an uncle by this name who worked at this place, and he said yes, I did.

And I told him why he was very willing to help me, but then threw me for a curveball because he added his mom on to the discussion.

He said I think she would be better at helping you.

So it was a conversation between my paternal half brother and his mom and me.

So she started asking me, you know, what was your mom's name, what year were you born, all of these things.

And this is taking place over the course of a couple days.

So prior to reaching out to my paternal half brother, I had written a letter to my biological father and included photos and sent it to their house.

And they live about 20 minutes from me and have my entire life.

So I sent this and after a couple days of answering my half brother's mom's questions and feeling really deceptive I was like I need to pull the Band-Aid off I can't just I can't do this.

So I told her and my brother that the name my mom gave me was this and she told me that he lived here and at that point my brother dropped off of the conversation and blocked me.

Was he older than you?

He is younger than me by 6 years.

OK, so, yeah, interesting.

OK, 'cause at first I thought maybe that reaction was my dad had an affair or something like that.

OK.

His mom did not respond, but went and found my letter and brought it to my father.

What I was told is that he worked overnight, so he was asleep and would let his mail just kind of like pile up.

So he hadn't seen it.

So she brought it to him.

He opened it.

And then he called me that afternoon and had told me that yes, he he knew my mother and told me where he met her and gave me some medical history.

And then he asked if I wanted to meet for breakfast and this was not even something I thought about because I was like, I really just want my medical history.

I said yes that we could do that, but his wife stepped in and said we're not doing that.

I then got a phone call telling me that he never knew my mother and that he wanted me to stop contacting him.

From him he called you and said that.

From him, he did.

It was one of those times when I felt like a piece of my heart had just been shattered, a piece that he didn't even know wasn't there, and it was devastating to me.

I continued talking to my cousin who I had met, and she and I met and had breakfast.

She brought another cousin and the first cousin had agreed to do adna test for me, so she did that and it showed her first cousins.

This was 2016, so probably summer 2016.

I met her mother who was my paternal aunt, and she welcomed me with open arms and it was lovely because she would invite us to holidays and both my son and my husband said I feel more comfortable with them than I've ever felt with the family that you grew up with.

Did you feel that too?

I also felt that way.

I was like, yeah, no, this is where I'm supposed to be.

This continued.

And, you know, we still have a great relationship.

My my aunt, my Thea and my cousins.

We're all good.

But later in 2016, I reached out to another brother because I found out I have 3 on my father's side.

So I reached out to the middle brother, who we'll just call him.

Why?

So he and I connected.

I met him, he was upset because we had so much in common and he was upset that I grew up 20 minutes away from them and we never knew each other.

I was upset too.

I felt like I had been robbed of knowing my brothers and that side of my family because my father as it turns out is one of 10.

So I have 9 aunts and uncles and countless cousins on that side.

So it did feel like I had just been robbed of all of that.

Did your dad or your mom, your birth certificate dad or your mom tell you why they didn't disclose this truth to you?

The Embarrassment of Being a Child of a Murderer

They did not, but I think that it was because my mom had an affair on my birth certificate.

Father.

There's a lot of shame in that.

So I think that was probably the reason.

And my, my mom passed away in 2012.

So all of this happened after that.

So you know at that point she had taken any information she had with her, hence the DNA testing.

OK, so your dad, did he give you any information?

Obviously she had an affair, she is pregnant and he just made a decision at that point, like I'm going to raise this baby as my own.

Not initially, no.

He he told me that he actually had left and had got an apartment on his own.

But then he realized after a while that my mom would not be able to raise five children on her own.

And he went back and he stayed, and he raised me as his own.

Wow.

My birth certificate father is nothing short of a St. in my eyes.

You were talking about that feeling of being robbed from childhood and and having a relationship with your family.

How did you feel as you process this?

Did you experience anger?

Grief.

How are you feeling as you process?

That I was very angry and angry in in an interesting way, I think because growing up I was always called the spoiled one.

Anything along those lines.

I heard it and I was angry because it didn't hit me until adulthood.

When I found all of this out, I was like, of course I was spoiled.

They didn't plan on having me.

I'm like, yeah, I had the new clothes.

I didn't have the hand me downs because there were no hand me downs to give me.

So they considered my Oshkosh clothes and my little Nike shoes as being spoiled.

But I'm like, what else did they have to give me?

So I was angry about the way I was treated growing up, and I was angry about, like I said, just feeling robbed of knowing this extensive family that I have.

How did you feel about the fact that everyone knew except you?

I was pissed, if I can say that.

I was very angry about that.

And the strange thing about it is that I knew growing up that everybody knew because it was one of those things that they would talk openly about.

But then you walk in the room and I knew what they were talking about and never said it because I didn't want to rock the boat.

But the fact that everybody knew and then, you know, pushed back on me for wanting to find out was just, you know, one of those things where I'm like, how do you have the audacity to treat me like that?

It was very angry and, and still somewhat, you know, when I think about it, it's, yeah, there's a lot of audacity to treat me the way that I was when I decided to find that half of my family.

Yeah, OK.

Finding the Family

So you've connected with your biological father's family and he is not open to you, but it sounds like your brother very open to you as well with some of the other extended family members open to you as well.

Yes, so I had met three first cousins, an aunt and some little first cousins once removed and that was enough at the time.

And then when my brother kind of was open to me and started to get to know me and my son and my husband, it turned into this thing that was just it was nice.

And and I say this to my siblings often that they really normalized sibling dynamics for me because I've never had that.

I had to wait until I was in my 40s before I had it, or late 30s, but it's just been wild.

So he was open and I have had a relationship with him since 2016, oddly enough.

Yeah, oddly enough, I got an e-mail, a Facebook message from the junior who I had initially connected with.

I got a message from him last summer telling me that he was getting rid of his Facebook and wanted to extend the olive branch if I wanted to talk and sent me his phone number.

And prior to this, like after he had removed himself from the message between his mom and himself and me, I had sent him a message apologizing and saying, you know, I know that completely blindsided you.

That was not my intention.

And it's not my intention to disrupt anybody's family.

But just know that my door is always open to you.

So Fast forward and I get this message last summer.

Of course the first thing I do is send him a text message and tell him of course I want to talk.

We did the following week.

We just kind of Facetimed and came away from it also feeling angry that he had been robbed of knowing his sister.

He, he and my other brother are funny because they're probably the closest and they talk about how they kind of twin off of each other or they just know what the other one's going to say.

And both he and the the first brother that I met said the same thing about meeting me, that we just connect again, so many things in common, just the similar quirks.

And he also told me that when I initially reached out to him on Facebook, he was waiting for a heart transplant.

So he had been pretty sick.

And his mom's reaction in his eyes, was probably more about that and everything else that was going on in the timing.

That makes sense, yeah.

Yeah, because after I connected with Brother Y, he told me that, you know, Brother X was in the hospital having a transplant.

And yeah, it was just, it was a lot.

And I was like, you know, I understand it.

I do.

And I don't fault anybody for their reactions because there's no guidebook, there's no instruction manual for this.

So I just tried to approach it as very open minded, understanding of their situation.

I finally met that brother in person in May of this year, so I connected.

Meeting Brother Y

That's two brothers, one I've known for a while, the other one I connected with in May, and the very next day.

And we're all big Star Wars geeks.

So we got together for dinner on May the Fourth, and it was a thing.

So the very next day I went to breakfast with Brother Y and my father, my biological father.

So he came around, he did.

What was that like being with him in person?

I was nervous, but I wasn't as nervous as I anticipated being.

Prior to meeting him, I had put together a photo book and kind of titled it, you know, some things you might have missed.

And it was, you know, me from like birth to now, my family and all of that.

And from what I had heard about my biological father was that he is like, now he is the patriarch of the family and is very much like, doesn't say a lot, doesn't really show a lot of emotion.

So I'd given him that.

And it was funny because he and my brother got to the restaurant 1st.

And when I walked in, he stood up to shake my hand.

I said, I'm not shaking your hand.

And I gave him a hug, and he started crying.

So I gave him the photo book, and he just looked at it and was studying the pictures and looking from the pictures back at me.

And it was asking, you know, the pictures from when I was very young.

He's like, this is you.

And I said, yeah.

And just tears streamed down his face through the entire time.

And he told me, you know, I wish that I had known about you sooner.

And I said, yeah, me too, but we're here now.

Did he give you any back story?

I mean, I know you know, initially he told you.

Well, first he acknowledged it, Then he said I never knew your mom.

Now he's saying I I wish I knew.

Did he come forward and share how he met your mom?

And did he have any suspicions about you or anything?

He told me.

Where he met my mom.

And it was my mom was working at just some little convenience store, which I did not know.

So when he told me the name of it, I asked my birth certificate father.

I was like, hey, did mom ever work at this place?

And he's like, oh, yeah.

I was like, OK, So I knew, like, that I'm like, this is the right person.

He said they were together briefly.

I don't know what that means.

And that was about it.

He never knew about me until I reached out.

And yeah, so in meeting him a few months ago, he said he wished he had known sooner and said, you know, it's it is what it is.

We're here now and we have whatever time remaining to get to know each other and make those memories.

He was open to it.

And I've seen him a handful of times since then.

And I've met his wife.

Did she come around?

She did, she did.

It was interesting.

The day that I met her, I was so nervous.

And when she came in, she came off kind of cold and I was like, all right, I'm going to take this as it comes.

So she came and sat at the table with my son and I and just started asking questions.

And then before I knew it, she was telling me, well, I can teach you how to paint and asking my son if he wants to ride horses and well, I can get you a horse and all of that.

So I ended up seeing them two days in a row.

And the second day she talked to me one-on-one and said that she never had a problem with me.

She, she put it on my, my biological father and the fact that he drinks and said that he didn't remember my mom, which he told me he did.

So I just kind of took it as it came.

And she said we were waiting for your brother's heart transplant and there was a lot going on.

And I said, I understand that.

And I have never had any animosity towards you because, again, there's no instruction manual for this.

And when she said that to me, though, I started crying.

So she grabbed my hands and she hugged me and she said we're OK.

And that was all I needed.

Yeah, well, what did that do for you?

It made everything, I guess, better because from where I was, as much as I tried to approach it from that open mind, there was a part of me that was like, she's the reason that I don't know them.

So hearing that from her kind of, it was a sort of apology that I never thought I would get.

So it made it a lot easier.

My birth certificate father passed away in January of 2023.

My father passed away

He was diagnosed in July of 2022 with two rare forms of cancer.

And the reason I say this is that being the non biological child, I was this person.

I took him to every treatment, I took him to every doctor's appointment.

And since then, yeah, we had the funeral in January.

And the one thing that was said to me, the day of his funeral, the only thing I asked for was his veteran's flag.

And the day of the funeral, they presented it to my brother.

And I was OK with that.

I said, all right, that's fine.

But afterwards, like, I would like to have it.

That's the only thing I asked for.

My siblings got to the Funeral Home before my husband and I did because we had to pay for the luncheon.

So of course they got there and they took everything.

So afterwards I reached out and said OK, so who took dad's flag?

And my brother told me that he did because he was our dad's namesake and he felt that it should go to a biological child.

And that was the last time I talked to any of my older siblings because that to me told me how they felt.

And they were all on the same text thread and none of them stepped up.

So I said OK awesome we are done.

And I have not spoken to them in a year and a half.

So he passed away, like I said, January 2023.

And all of this with meeting my second and my third brother.

I did meet my other brother as well, so I met him in there too, all in the month of May.

It all came after my dad had passed.

And that was something I did struggle with because I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for getting to know my biological father.

And a good friend told me that I shouldn't feel guilty because he would have wanted that for me.

And that helped.

And then I talked to my brother why and told him the same thing.

I said, I think that the timing of this, if it had been a year prior or two years prior, I wouldn't have been in the space to be able to do it.

But because my dad was gone, I did.

And I did tell him that I had that guilt.

And he said he would have wanted this for you.

And I said you're right, he would have because I don't fit in on my maternal side.

So finding a place where I do, he would have wanted.

So.

Wow, that.

Helped.

Yeah, I'm really sorry for the estrangement with your siblings.

Estrangement with siblings

How have you been navigating that emotionally?

It was hard because not only had I just lost my dad, but I lost my three older siblings and nieces and nephews and aunts.

And I was like OK Well I ended up finding a therapist because I was having severe PTSD dreams for months every night where I was waking up just sobbing and they were about my siblings and about my dad and him being sick.

So I started going to therapy again which helped so much.

And it was crazy because the first time I met with my therapist that night, I didn't have a single dream where I woke up crying.

I was like, yay, therapy.

And I say that as a therapist myself where, you know, I work with, you know, people with extensive trauma.

And here I am just struggling on my own.

But, yeah, So that it has been hard, But I think the longer it goes on, the easier it gets.

And the more connections I have with my paternal side, it kind of eases some of that pain of being estranged from them.

There are times when I feel like, oh, I should really reach out to the sibling.

But then I think about it and I remember the things that were said and done, and I'm not ready.

Totally, totally.

It's been a roller coaster.

Are there still any questions that you have around your paternity or your DNA surprise?

Questions about paternity

I am still waiting to sit down with my biological father and talk just kind of one-on-one because I want to know how he knew my mom and I want to know what that relationship was.

If it was a relationship, I don't even know.

But it's not something that I can do with my, I guess, stepmom there.

So it's one of those things that that I have questions around that and also curiosity to know if he ever did know about me prior to me reaching out because knowing that my dad worked with my paternal uncle and going to company picnics where he was with cousins of mine, like he had to have known.

So I have a feeling that, you know, he would have told his brother because they were very close, but I don't know.

It's interesting in this community how we end up having to like balance which questions we ask and you know, what's like the most important information, like medical information and those kinds of things.

And then some of the other things which are important, I think to having a sense of identity and like understanding where you fit in the world and everything, but you also don't want to risk relationships.

And so it's all about that balance.

What is kind of next for you and and what do you hope for with your relationship with your bio family?

What is next for you and what do you hope for with your relationship with your bio family?

What do I hope for?

That's a great question.

I think just more experiences with them because we, we've, we've celebrated Memorial Day together.

We had, you know, a cookout at my brother's house and then at my Thea's house.

And we celebrated my oldest paternal brother, who happens to be a year older than me.

We celebrated his son's birthday just a few weeks ago.

So just kind of more of that because we do live so close to each other.

And I will say that my my one brother has been very good about just seeing us once a month.

We always go out to dinner and you know, things like that.

It's like nothing big, but just those building those memories with those people that I didn't have the chance to do.

Absolutely.

And for my son to know them, yeah, my son is actually turning 16 on Labor Day, which is coming up, and they are invited to our house.

And that'll be the first time that we will get to celebrate with them, so building more of those memories together.

That's really special.

You mentioned therapy and that you're a therapist yourself, so that was obviously one tool in your toolbox for navigating this.

What is your support system?

What other support systems have, or what is your support system as you navigate this, especially in light of the fact that you don't speak to your raised siblings anymore?

My support system has been, like I said, a therapist.

My husband is phenomenal and has been there through all of this with me.

I have great friends who I often refer to them as family because they are more family to me than some other people, and they have really helped me.

When I feel like I'm kind of spiraling about things, they kind of reign me in and, and again, because I am a therapist, I have friends and coworkers who I can bounce things off of and everybody is very supportive and just really helps me to kind of see things from other perspectives.

And then I will say also the DNA groups on Facebook and the podcasts like yours that I, I listen to and I know like.

The importance of identifying your unique story

Everybody's story is unique to them, but there are so many overlaps.

And one of my one of my things that I use in therapy with my clients is that the situations don't have to be the same for the feelings to be the same.

So even though somebody might be adopted or an IVF individual, like those feelings are the same.

So hearing all of the podcasts and other people's stories really has helped me to feel less alone in all of this.

Yeah, there's tons of intersection in our community.

Do you see people who have had DNA surprises or NP?

ES Yes, I do.

Those are actually my ideal clients just because it's familiar.

And it's funny because as therapists, sometimes you kind of go one, one of two ways.

Either we want clients who we can really relate to, or we say, Nope, I've got enough of that on my own and I'm going a completely different direction.

But yes, I do work with people who are adoptees, who are MP, ES, you know, unknown parentage, all of that.

And did you decide to have that focus as a result of your own experience?

Yeah, I, I not only my experience, but I've had so many MPs in my family, you know, or people with different fathers than those who raised them.

It it's just one of those things that like I understand it and know the amount of trauma that can cause and you know those, that's my niche trauma and people with unknown parentage or those DNA surprises.

That is what I love.

Would you like to share your information?

I'd be happy to put like a link to your website or your contact information in the show notes for anybody who might be in your state.

So I'm in Illinois and I work out of Batavia, IL at Creating Space Therapy and I can give you that information.

We are a trauma focused practice so all of us specialize in trauma and grief.

I get emails from people who are looking for resources and I always love to have another person to share another resource to plan to.

But I always tell people trauma and.

They go hand in hand.

They do, and until NP, ES, and DNA surprises become more well known, just generally I tell people to start with trauma and grief therapists because not every state has an NPE therapist that's easy to find.

So right.

Yeah, that's great.

I will put your information in the show note.

And I will say, you know, EMDR is wonderful for trauma and that is something I use daily with clients and even on myself.

And when I'm feeling dysregulated, I guess that's another resource that I have, is that ability to tap into the EMDR, to desensitize those triggers.

And you know, if that's something that you have access to, you know, anybody in their state, a good trauma therapist, grief therapist who's EMDR trained.

That's wonderful.

For anyone in Illinois who may be looking for someone.

We I will be sure to put Shannon's contact information in the show notes.

What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child?

My advice would be to tell them because it's not their secret to keep you are keeping somebody's identity from them.

And when people like like us find out, it is a huge, you know, shock to our identity.

And I've worked with people who struggle with that finding out.

And then who am I anymore?

So I often go back to the it's not your secret to keep from them.

That is their history.

It really only does more damage by keeping it.

What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise?

Who For somebody who just uncovered that, I think one of the big things is to lean into your support, whether that's, you know, friends, therapist, whoever that is to you, and to not be impulsive and reacting.

Take the time to think about it because as much as it is a shock to you, it might be a shock to other people, meaning biological parents who might not know.

And just kind of going from my own experience, you don't know what other people are going through when you reach out.

So just being cautious about that, but also compassionate towards other people and just kind of approaching it from that angle of empathy for other people and treading lightly.

That's a really good point.

Like you said, your brother was dealing with facing a heart transplant and other things, and everybody has their things that they're dealing with.

Shannon, thank you so much for joining me today and sharing your story.

I'm sorry for the the loss of relationship with your with your raised siblings, but so happy for you that you are embarking on a new journey with your biological family that you found.

And also just thank you for turning this experience into something that helps other people.

I'm sure that there are folks listening right now who are looking in the show notes trying to find your information because it is so overwhelming as you know when this first happened.

So thank you for being a resource for our community and I wish you the best.

Thank you so much.

I appreciate you.

Thanks again to Shannon for sharing her story.

If you'd like to learn more about Shannon's therapy practice, visit creatingspacetherapy.com.

If you have a DNA surprise that you'd like to share, submit your story to dnasurprises.com.

And remember, for early access to ad free episodes, join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises.

Until next time.

This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.