Bonus Episode: Write to Heal – An interview with author and writing coach Christine Wolf

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The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and

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isolating, but you're not alone and there is hope connection

and Community are powerful tools as we process.

And

he'll

DNA surprise Network and DNA surprises podcast are proud to host.

The first ever DNA, surprise Retreat May for through the 7th 2023 and Tucson Arizona.

Join Us for four days of healing, including expert-led sessions delicious meals and fun time together that will help us integrate our DNA surprises and Lead, happier more fulfilling lives.

If you've been looking for space to learn grow and heal, this is your sign.

Registration is open.

Learn more at DNA surprise retreat.com It doesn't have to be full on sentences.

You can just put a bullet list together.

You can just put word after word, after word, of Anger of, you know, sadness regret grief, confusion questions.

Whatever comes up is, what's meant to go on the page and however, it comes out misspelled, or not capitalized or not, you know, messy or not.

And that's the same advice.

Frankly that I give to every writer that I work with, welcome to a bow.

This episode of DNA surprises.

In this episode, I speak with Christine.

Walk a chicago-based author and writing coach whose focus is on the Memoir biography.

Award-winning work is regularly featured in National newspapers magazines and live storytelling stages through her compassionate and trauma-informed, approach, both, empowers, writers and non Riders alike to find their authentic voices in 2018, Christine law, Austin younger sister suddenly in 2022, thanks to a home DNA kit.

She discovered an older sister who never knew existed.

Christine is facilitating a session at the DNA, surprise Retreat, right?

To heal is an empowering flexible and compassionate, exploration of therapeutic, or cathodic journaling.

As a tool to

conversation

with Christina inspired me to get started on my own story.

I hope it moves you to do the same.

We all have

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stories to tell today.

I am joined by Christine wolf, who is an accomplished writer and writing coach?

And she will be facilitating a session at the DNA surprise retreat in May thanks for joining.

Joining me,

Christine, thanks for having me Alexis.

It's so nice to be here,

and we'll just jump right on in.

Can you tell the listeners a little bit about yourself and your

background?

Sure, I'd be happy to.

So, I'm the founder and CEO of writers, Haven, LLC.

And so, what we do are kind of three different things.

I provide writing coaching, and developmental editing, for primarily nonfiction writers, so Memoir biographies.

Refused nonfiction pieces and and I absolutely love that that work and then we also offer in person writing space for writers locally in the Chicago area where I live.

And then finally we do a retreat which is called the right to he'll Retreat.

And this year will be our first year doing it in Carefree Arizona.

And that's in in May so that's what writers Havens all about.

But my background is in marketing.

And education.

And I've worked in advertising and then as a teacher and the classroom and, you know, before I became an entrepreneur and a writing coach, I did all these corporate type things and classroom type things.

And the things that I love the most from both of those experiences where the people and the stories.

And so I sort of channeled my energies towards towards those kinds of interactions.

Just really whittling.

Down to what.

I, what I personally was drawn to and so I've been writing professionally now for about 15 years.

I started when I was 40 at my kitchen table when my kids were little just blogging, and I say just blogging, but it was, it was so meaningful to me.

And then the blog turned into a newspaper column for the Chicago Tribune.

And from there, I started writing books and most recently, I've just become a coach to help other writers sort of get Their stories out into the world and to help launch a lot of first-time authors and people who are just dabbling in writing and trying to find their way in the publishing world and navigate all those twists and turns which is super rewarding.

But the thing that I think professionally that I've done that relates most to what you bring to listeners is that I do live storytelling through different organizations like the moth, you go up on stage and you tell stories that Written live.

And one of the stories that I told just a few months ago, it actually it won an award and it was about a DNA surprised that I personally had had.

So that's sort of how my professional experience ties in a lot with, with what you're doing and what we're all talking about here.

Yeah, thank you for sharing out.

I know in the DNA surprise community.

So many of us.

Nve's adoptees.

Donor can see if people are looking Going to write their stories and tell their stories because really, they're also interesting and also slightly unique and so we're really excited about this writing component with the retreat and you just touched on the fact that you had your own DNA surprise experience.

Can you share some of that with

us?

Of course, I'd be happy to and I suppose it might be a slightly different perspective than a good.

Number of your listeners.

But about a year ago, in March of 2022, I opened my 23andMe results.

I had actually gotten them five years before that if you can believe it and I just really never explored the family tree aspect of it.

I figured I knew my family tree.

I looked at a few things and everything checked out, so I didn't really dig too deep and I was 53 years old last year and I just I reopened my account.

And I looked at the family tree and it said that I had a likely half-sister and I was, of course, shocked and I figured it was a mistake and it must be a cousin.

It actually turned out that this woman and I and my late sister who had died four years before, very tragically, we all share a biological father and so the kind of the shock of all of it was just almost too much to take it first.

I went into this No vision of what is happening.

And how did I not know this?

And I don't even have my sister best here to talk about this other woman, you know, what is it just was too?

Was It was kind of stunning.

And so, thankfully, the woman whose name is also Elizabeth.

So she and my late sister were both named the same thing and they Bear Just A striking resemblance to each.

Each other all of it was just surreal Elizabeth and I met about a month after we made the discovery.

She was as open as I was 22 meeting thankfully and since then, we slowly built our own relationship of learning about each other meeting each other's families.

Exchanging, Christmas presents, going on, Zoom calls were just finding our way through it and it's been incredibly positive.

I think there's always just this part of me that thinks it's not real and you know and we have had a few you know blips I mean it's funny she never had a sister before this discovery.

I always thought I was the oldest sibling so now she has a sister and I'm now a middle child.

She's even older than me.

So we've sort of been navigating the adjustment of of a lot of things and Leti and and all that.

But we managed to talk things through and send each other periodic texts and things just to stay connected.

But you know, it's, we're learning each other's birthdays and things that people just take for granted and assume they know from, you know, their family members about their family members.

And this is all, just so new, everything just feels new.

It's only been a year.

And sometimes, it feels like it's been forever.

And, and other times I think it's, I can't believe.

It's, it's just been a year.

Yeah, it's so interesting to me how so many of the things that you described are so similar to 1 and N PE experiences that kind of denial is this real the adjusting to a new normal but it's beautiful that you have been able to establish a

relationship with her.

You know.

I really have learned so much about what I can't imagine what it must be.

Like from her perspective, I try and I have learned quite a bit from her and these discoveries, just they have the incredible.

Ripple effects.

And so I'm getting to see them through her eyes up close and it's been profound.

It really has.

So my heart, my heart is just so open to to this whole Community.

I mean, I really feel like there's such a galvanization of no matter what your experience is with a DNA surprise, there's something very all-encompassing about the fact that we're all going through this together in some way.

And it reminds me a little bit of a pandemic in that people have different symptoms and different approaches and different beliefs, about how it all is.

But at the same time, it really kind of Unites Us in like this is this thing that we're all sort of approaching and it's it's been fascinating to be a part of.

Yeah.

And you shared a bed.

So on the moth you you told your story and I watched your video that was one of my first introductions to To you with singing that how did writing about that experience, and telling your story, help you navigate your DNA surprise,

it really helped me to process it.

I mean, I had, I had talked to my own on a therapist about it, for sure.

I was grateful to have a therapist to sort of unpack it all as it was happening in real time, but I found Elizabeth in March and it was only April made two, three, Months later that I told that story and it was it was like an urge.

I mean, I really needed to make sense of how huge it was.

It was almost like my body couldn't contain.

This was more than news, you know, it wasn't just, it was just the feelings.

There were so many and I just, I found myself scribbling down notes, and making little comments in my journal.

And then finally, Oh, I just thought I'm going to get up and tell the story and not in a way that exposes really specific details about our own stories or our family stories.

But just my personal experience of what it was like to have lost a sister named Elizabeth and then to have found a sister named Elizabeth and I knew that was just you know kind of a it was a compelling story to tell but in the process of taking It's sort of out of my my body, so to speak and putting it on a page and reframing it.

And putting it into language, rather than just emotions.

It gave me a sense of control and agency over this somewhat out of control, mix of emotions that I was feeling.

And so, then when I shared it on stage, was like a release, it really felt very cathartic.

And and I, of course, was approached by a handful of people.

In the audience afterwards, who said that they had relatives, who had gone through the same thing or friends or knew of a neighbor and you know, it just then became less and less surreal for me and more of a an actual experience I was going through because it just it was still feeling like a dream at that point.

So writing just sort of helped ground me and reality.

Yeah, yeah I love that.

That kind of making it real.

That'll making it real.

I know for me personally.

Only, I don't I'm starting up a Blog but I haven't really, you know, gotten into it too much, but riding on social media, you know, using my captions to just like, explain how I'm feeling and almost using it as a short-form journal was was super helpful.

So I totally understand what you're saying there as far as making it real and then connecting with other people as a result of that.

Both of those that we have, it's are there the Dual benefits of that?

I agree.

And your what you do right on Social media really does capture so much of the essence and the just the variations of feelings.

And it's such a dynamic thing, you can feel on top of the world about, you know, finding out the truth on one day and then your heart can just sink about the missed opportunities and, you know, the frustration and the anger and the mix.

It's just such jumbled, mix sometimes.

So, yeah, I think writing can somehow very often.

Give us a sense of Sure.

And and reframing a lot of those out of control feelings which is

great.

So your session at the DNA, surprise Retreat is called right to heal and that's also the name of your retreat right heel.

So for anyone who's interested in doing even a deeper dive into writing, definitely check out Christine's Retreat.

It looks amazing and it's also going to be in Sunny Arizona.

So

beautiful weather, right?

I'm in Chicago, so I can counting the days.

I think it's something like sixty eight days, and Till my retreat and even sooner for yours.

So, I'm so excited

and in our kind of summary of what your session is about.

We're talking about this therapeutic or expressive writing and when I hear that, I wondered to myself, you know, what does that mean?

Is that these long form writing?

Is it a poem?

Is it a diary?

Is it is it a full Memoir?

What does that actually look like for

participants?

Oh, I'd be happy to break it down a little bit because I know it can sort of especially if there are ever times where people are asked to write, you can feel angst rising at time even even as a professional writer.

You know, sometimes I'll figure out what do I need to write and what are they expecting?

But here's the great thing about all of this.

So therapeutic writing is think of therapeutic writing as any kind of writing that you do that helps you work through emotions That's what that is.

And you can also think about writing therapy as a form of therapeutic, writing writing therapy tends to be more of working with the clinician who walks with you through.

Something that you've written, or pieces that you've written about an event or feelings or circumstances.

And you know, you really break it down with a psychologist or, you know, your counselor, a therapist.

And I am not a counselor I am.

No,

I'm an author, I'm a public speaker, I'm a writing coach.

And what I, what I do can sometimes seem a little bit like playing a therapist on Zoom with my Memoir coaching clients for instance, cuz I'm listening to their personal stories and I'm holding space for their often times really deep jarring unresolved emotions in.

A lot of times people go to the page and they go to write because they want to work out feelings and process things.

And that's That's sort of a way that they'll do that.

And so what expressive writing in particular is is writing, that is focusing on emotional upheaval, which is not easy, for sure.

But here's the thing, the benefits of doing it are there's evidence and hundreds and hundreds of research studies that were initially launched by somebody named dr.

James pennebaker in, he's out of Texas at University.

Texas in Austin, he developed the concept of expressive writing in that if you will just write for 20 minutes a day or thereabouts for for three or four days in a row about something that caused significant upheaval in your life, whether it was a traumatic experience, whether it was a major conflict, something that caused you pain, or deep uncertainty or something, that really was.

Just difficult.

If you can commit to writing for 20 minutes a day for three, or four days about that, and not worry about grammar, not worry about punctuation, not worry about anybody else, reading it.

And if you focus on that same event or set of events, what you'll find are two huge things.

Number one, yes, it'll be, it'll be difficult, you'll have a rise of discomfort, you know, in revisiting those emotions.

And the focus is on the Rather than everything else.

But then after that, within an hour or two after you write it that discomfort tends to dissipate and that's really important.

It's almost like a having a release valve and then the second, fantastic thing that happens is, there's evidence that proves that when we write about these difficult things and don't hold them in whether it's a painful experience, whether it's a secret there are proven benefits for our health for our Our physical health emotional health, relational health?

I mean, think about this if you're holding in a secret that is just burning up inside of you and you're working so hard to keep that secret and manage it and tend to it, you're draining your energy, that could be going to focusing on self-care or your children or your job or your partner or your dog, you know?

I mean it's it's so almost it's like Undercurrent that when we hold these things, it can really drain.

Our emotional batteries in our emotional well-being.

So, to give yourself this permission to write it down and again, writing down a secret for yourself isn't violating somebody's, you know, necessary privacy and understandable privacy, but it gives you a way to shift it, out of yourself and take that burden off of you.

View.

And in the process of doing that, you can find meaning in, you know, why did somebody ask me to hold the secret for them?

Or why did somebody tell me I can't talk about this or why I did that person do this harm to me, you know, whatever the emotional upheaval is, it gives you a chance to really ask those questions and put an answer and the answer might be different the next day, but that's why you try to do it over the series of a couple of days to sort of.

Let yourself look at it from a different perspective and I'll just add that.

It's Helpful.

When you do Express a writing for this, you know, I call them little writing Sprints.

Sometimes somebody will start off with writing about a difficult experience and just the pour it out of themselves for 20 minutes, put it away.

And then the next day, they'll come back and they might write about it as if they're writing from the perspective of we call it third person, you know, as if you're writing from somebody else's Vantage Point, rather than first person rather than your own perspective, and when you do that, That it sort of changes your brain chemistry to think about the whole the same situation but from a new angle and you might offer advice in your writing from somebody else's perspective on your circumstances

that you never would have considered before.

So it's all about giving yourself this opportunity to just look at what you've been like keeping inside, you know, in a whole different light and it's very freeing and it's also proven to be very good.

Going to.

So that's what expressive writing encompasses.

That's such a good overview.

Thank you for breaking that down.

I think that that's key is just it's for you, it's not for anyone else.

It's just for you to work through things on that note.

What if someone feels like they're not a quote unquote, good writer and they feel like you know I'm not good at writing.

That's not my strong suit like you kind of covered it because it you are, right?

Thing

without care for grammar

and things like that.

But what advice do you have for someone who maybe just doesn't feel sure of themselves in their writing ability,

of course.

And I'm so glad you asked that because I hope to dispel a few myths here, okay?

And I'm saying this as a professional writer and I've been writing since somebody handed me a journal with a little gold lock and the key when I was seven years old and and that's sort of where my writing started.

But think about that seven year old that I was back then.

Just so excited to just write what I had for lunch that day and that and have a record of it and close the journal and locket that was writing and it didn't have to be my cursive didn't have to be perfect.

And I certainly didn't know all of the writing rules, right?

But the value of being able to look back on that from my now, 55 years.

And see those words that I wrote that, Were very just rudimentary and, you know, this is the tuna sandwich that I had.

It shows me the development that I've made in the years since so that's number one.

It's wherever you're at, in your writing confidence and skill level doesn't matter.

It's just writing is important if you want to go that route but you just really don't have to be anything but yourself when you're doing expressive writing, that's the whole point of it is so many times.

I'll have a first-time client.

I'm not a real writer, you know, I've dabbled.

And I've, I've always, you know, thought about being a writer, but I'm really not that good.

And I will often say I don't judge and and nobody, I hope will judge themselves when they're drafting, you know, you're just getting your story out and then you shape it later through, editing it through working with somebody, you know, through all the things later.

But when you're just putting something down in a journal in a In a draft of something.

If you want to go that far, that you might want to share it with somebody, go easy on yourself.

Because every day, as you know, somebody who writes for a living, I have to remind myself to go easy on myself that – and you know very critical judgmental.

Self-talk, is in all of us and so worry not about not doing it right but you'll you'll get better and better if you want to by To just scribble and scribble more, and scribble more, and then find your voice because that's what ultimately happens.

The more you do it is you figure out what your voice is.

And when people talk about voice in writing, like, what what actually is voice voice, the better way to describe it is, it's your style.

So, you know, if you're somebody who just tends to write in short clip, e sentences, that's your style.

If your More of a flowery sort of you know expository writer than you go on and on and on with a lot of detail that's your style.

There's no one right or wrong style.

But once you feel confident in your style and then it becomes almost muscle memory then then you're onto something where you'll start to feel more and more confident like group there I am.

This is my comfort zone and this is where I'm feeling like it's just pouring out of me.

If it's feeling like you're pulling teeth.

Putting stuff on the page, step away from it.

Just walk away from It and go get a cup of coffee and, you know, come back to it a couple days later, you know, don't Don't Force It.

Just let it come out as its supposed to, you'll know.

Yeah, I love that.

I just love this idea of it being for you and and it's okay and it should be your voice and it should be your style and whatever that is, you know, you don't have to try to be anyone else.

What can people expect to learn from you at the

retreat?

Absolutely, you know, I think the the nice thing is at the there are so many wonderful facilitators and you and Debbie have planned just that.

I'm so looking forward to it from from both an attendee standpoint and also a facilitator standpoint.

What attendees are going to find is I'll sort of introduce myself at the very beginning and hand them journals.

And these are not kind of like the black and white composition notebooks that we had in school.

These are handmade Paper and hand bound journals.

That actually my daughter who lives in Brooklyn, she is a paper maker and a bookmaker and she's created these just gorgeous handmade little notebooks for everybody.

She takes found items just like we're taking little bits and pieces of our own lives and our memories and our emotions and experiences and deconstructing them and then reforming them.

And that's what she does with these journals.

She takes little little bits and pieces of found items.

Like, you know, I don't know.

Think about any little thing that you pick up along the way in life, you know, whether it's a scrap of paper or, you know, the edge of a rapper or something like that.

And she'll just take these.

And it means nothing to somebody else.

But she finds meaning in a photograph that she finds in an antique store and she'll rip off part of it and put it into the book.

So that there's there's almost this G of breaking things down and then putting them back together and that's what these journals sort of represent.

And that's what we are ultimately doing.

When we write in them, is we are breaking down all of these different parts that just feel messy in our lives.

And we're kind of putting them into one container and I'm really kind of seeing in front of us in black and white.

Wow, I'm really dealing with this and you can actually close that.

That journal and not have to think about it for a little bit rather than carry it with you all the

time.

I love that.

I mean, I think it's such a beautiful metaphor for what what our experiences are.

So I love that you're bringing that to the retreat.

Like I just think it's so amazing.

I think so too.

I I'm so happy that there's a physical embodiment that represents what these feelings that were having because they can feel so overwhelming.

Sometimes so to be able to do something with them that Google gives us also a little sense of empowerment, I think.

And I'm going to hand them to the attendees with the explicit direction of spending 20 minutes a day when we're together a little less if necessary.

You know, if it just gets too much and just write about what's rising and it may be about the DNA experience that they've had.

It may be something entirely different and that's fine too.

But, you know, whatever kind of comes up for those. those short writing Sprint's, put them into these journals and then we're going to talk during the workshop itself about a lot of the benefits of expressive writing and how you can incorporate it into you know your I don't necessarily mean prescriptive day-to-day necessarily kind of a thing but you can incorporate expressive writing into your everyday existence if you want and to really kind of figure out what how Helping you almost epic track,

the improvements, that happen, the transformation that happens as a result of expressive writing is noticeable.

Very soon.

You know, I really think that the workshop will will focus on giving ourselves permission to just let it out in a way that that feels safe and not everybody wants to, right?

And that's fine.

This isn't some sort of a thing where it's a mandate.

So some people would prefer to create art and some people would prefer to do, you know, physical activity, taking a walk, and that's sort of their time to really spend the Sprint.

So, to speak of diving into the feelings and really kind of sitting with them briefly, whatever mode, or medium, you want to use to spend time to do that.

That's that's what I would just encourage is give yourself permission over the Set of 3 or 4 days to just really immerse yourself for a brief period of time in something that feels really tough and raw and see what happens, you know?

And if it doesn't feel right or if you feel so overwhelmed or flooded, then stop, that's the beauty of this.

You don't have to force it.

You don't have to do anything, but

thank you.

I'm so excited.

I'm excited to participate in this activity.

I think it's going to be all amazing.

And like I said, I'm Midas I enjoy writing about.

Wow, I really like, I've never really done it.

I was gonna format, so I'm really looking forward to that.

Oh, thank you so much for joining me today and talking to me about therapeutic riding expressive writing and how that ties into DNA surprises.

If anyone is interested in learning more about working with you, maybe one on one is a coach or attending your retreat or just finding any more information about you, where can they find you?

Oh sure.

Thank you so much Alexis.

I can go to my website, it's Christine wolf.com or to check out the retreat's specifically, its right to heal Retreats.com and everything, you know, any time you have questions.

I talk to people all the time and I do free. 20 minute sessions just to see if I can answer questions right off the bat for people, if they just want to figure out.

If working with a coach, is something they want to pursue.

So I'm Happy to talk to anybody who reaches out awesome.

Well I will see you in May in Arizona.

Thanks again for joining me.

Thank you Alex.

This thanks again to Christine for joining me if you'd like to join us for her right to heal session.

Reserve your space at the DNA.

Surprise Retreat May 4th through the 7th and Tucson Arizona until next time.