Phil’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

And that's that's what I had told.

My half-sister when I had asked her to test was, that's what I want is medical information, because it's not just about me, it's about my grandkids, and I'm afraid that if there's something in the family that I need to know about.

And I don't know about it, that can be prevented, you know, somebody's going to get hurt badly.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA, and unknowingly turning your life upside down.

Me and thousands of others.

This is our reality.

I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021 I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the story.

He's of NP he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

This week's story tells not one but two shocking DNA discoveries growing up.

Phil believe that the parents who raised him were his biological parents as a child.

He learned that his biological mother abandoned him and he was actually raised by a stepmother.

Decades later, he learned that his raised father is not his biological parent either.

This episode contains references to Suicide, child abuse and child, sexual abuse.

If you are struggling with thoughts of self-harm, please call or text 988.

If you are a victim of child sexual abuse, please call rain at Thank you, Phil, for sharing your story.

My name is Phil.

I'm 55.

And I'm from out.

Just outside of Detroit.

Michigan.

So growing up my dad who turns out was my birth certificate.

Father, who I didn't know was my birth certificate, father at the time, always thought he was my biological father.

His father was big into genealogy.

I helped him a lot doing the family tree.

I was pretty invested into into doing genealogy.

Logical work.

When I was a year year-and-a-half old.

My parents got a divorce.

My mother moved away.

Met another man ended up having another child.

She was out in California and truthfully, you know, I was just a little kid.

I was I was three when she had the other baby, so I didn't know that.

I had a mother, that wasn't my stepmother.

I had always assumed she was my mother because nobody had ever told me that she My

mother.

So when your mother, when your parents divorced, your mother left, you with your birth certificate, father, who you thought was your birth

father?

Yes, she left me and my older sister, who was a child from her first marriage, who my birth certificate, father had adopted.

So she left both of us at my grandparents house and left with this other man.

And so my dad tried to raise us by himself for a little while until he married.

The well I She was the babysitter but she ended up being my stepmother and she was only 13 years older than me.

Wow.

So can't.

But you but you thought that she was your mother?

Yes, yes.

I thought she was my mother until I was about 11 or 12 and that's when the truth came out that she wasn't my mother.

But to rewind a little bit.

My older sister, who I idolized.

I mean, she was my everything and I have two earliest memories, and one of the earliest memories was taking her to the airport.

She was Beaten by my stepmother, which I don't remember because I was too young at the time.

I remember taking her to the airport, to go live with our mother.

And it was never told to me that that was my mother too.

It was always, she's going to live with her mother.

So that's one of my earliest memories to earliest memories that I had is taking her to the airport.

I can remember it like, it was yesterday.

Then I was like I said about 11 or 12.

My stepmothers brother.

You told me that I was adopted I'm like what do you mean?

I'm adopted.

No she's my mother no they adopted you so I confronted my dad and my stepmom about it and they came clean and said no she is not your mother.

Your mother lives in California.

That's who your sister went to live with and basically it was put out there by my stepmother that I wasn't wanted and my mother wanted and nothing to do with me.

So at 11 years old, you had Had an MP e, Miss, is attributed parentage with for your mother?

Yes.

How did you feel when you got that news?

I didn't know how to

feel being eleven, you know, 10, 11 12, whatever it was.

It was, it was within that three-year period.

I didn't know how I was supposed to feel my stepmother.

Wasn't the greatest, but I always knew her as my mother and I didn't realize until I was older that she was only 13 years older than me.

Yeah, I didn't know how to take it so I just, I don't know, I kind of blew it off.

I guess I didn't think much of it.

I don't know.

I had never seen pictures of my mother.

I never been introduced to my mother's family, my mother's parents lived across the street from my birth certificate, father's parents.

And I didn't know that until I was, I was in my 20s before I found that out and I didn't know that they were, they were gone by that time they had.

Had moved out but I didn't never knew that.

Did your father ever share with you why?

He didn't tell you about your

mother?

No, no he never did.

He never did.

So I had a pretty rough childhood growing up, my stepmother was very abusive physically mentally her and her family sexually abusive.

But I mean, back in the 70s, 80s.

Nobody really talked about that kind of thing.

So to me that was I guess normal, you know, I didn't know that it was wrong.

My dad worked afternoons.

So I was in school during the day when he was home and then when I was home at night, he was at work.

So a lot of stuff happened and she was good at abusing people.

She knew how to not, leave a mark, and she was very good at it.

It matter of fact she was so good at it that I didn't finally realize it was wrong until I was 18.

And she came after me one time, and I blocked her and then she just lost it and came after me and try to really, really hurt.

Me and said, don't you ever block me?

And I tried to put her head through a wall and my dad stopped me.

He pulled me off of her.

But that was you know she turned it around where it was my fault.

I shouldn't have done that but you I was protecting myself and I was you can only kick a dog so many times before it turns on you and you know,

right?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry that happened.

I went in the Army in 1988 served until 1992.

I got married had a child while we were in the service.

We got out.

I finally, I don't know.

I guess I got it through my head.

How screwed up?

She was.

So I wanted nothing to do with her so I kicked her out of my life all together.

And she passed away.

I don't know, 10, 12 years ago.

And I had talked to her or seen her in years and I didn't have any any wish to see her or talk to her.

I didn't know anything about my mother's family, my biological mother's family.

I had talked to her on the phone twice.

When I was in the Army, my dad had given me her phone number.

I don't know how my dad had it, it somehow he did.

So I talked to her twice on the phone and it was quick conversations because when you're feeding a payphone in the barracks, You can't talk for very long before you run out of money, long distance.

Yeah, yeah.

So then, we got out of the army, moved back to Michigan had another child.

My biological mother passed in 2005 and she lived about 10 miles from me in Michigan.

And I had no clue that she was even there last.

I knew she was out in Utah, so she didn't live too far from me.

You know, I was in the phone book, she could have looked me up if she really wanted to why she didn't.

I have no idea

so you never really built.

It's a relationship with your biological mother after finding out about her.

No, no, I did

not.

Did you want to

yes, or no?

I did.

Because she was my mother, my biological mother, but no, because she had left me and didn't want anything to do with me.

So we went to the funeral, my wife and I went to the funeral, because my older sister was very adamant that I be there.

I had to sign off on The Cremation because all three of the children had to sign off saying yes, you can be cremated Yeah, you gotta we went to the funeral and they wanted me to set up front with family and I said, no, I will not do that.

So I sat in the back, my wife and I sat in the back of the church.

So they did the service and the priest was leading the family up and they stopped at the Pew we were at and they would not leave until we got up and walked out with the family.

And I just felt very, very mad that that happened that should not have happened.

They should have respected my wishes, but it was also strange because everybody at that funeral was Staring at me like they knew who I was but I had no idea.

I knew two people or three people including my wife at that funeral.

My older sister, I had just met my younger sister and my wife, and that was the three that I knew at that funeral.

So after my mother's funeral, they were trying to get my mother's estate in order.

So we went to my mother's house, she had a manufactured home and we went in there and I had told my sisters, I don't want anything, okay?

I don't want anything.

The woman owes me nothing.

I didn't know her.

I don't she didn't have a will so she didn't, you know, leave me anything in the will I just I don't want anything so they made me sign something at the lawyer's office stating that I wanted nothing.

Which, you know, I was I was fine with because I wasn't wasn't about to go after anything.

So my mother collected teapots.

And we were going through her jewelry box and she had three pewter teapot like brooches.

And so my sister's both took one and they made me take one.

I look at it now where she had three children.

Those three teapots are represented her three children if they did or not, I don't know.

But it just kind of kind of brings me a little bit of comfort thinking that she did.

Yeah, she was still thinking of you.

My older sister had walked out of the room for something.

In my younger sister gave me an envelope.

She was here, you might want this so I took it and it was my mother.

Am I my birth certificate, father's divorce papers.

So I have those and then my sister's split up the teapots.

Well, there was one brass teapot that was left.

So my, my older sister had left, she had went back home and my younger sister was there and I I had asked her.

I said, hey, I said, I know I said I didn't want anything, but do you mind if I have this teapot, she was no, that's fine.

You can have it.

So, I took the teapot and the reason I took the teapot was, because that's the teapot that nobody wanted.

And that's how I felt at the time.

Was that mother?

My mother didn't want me.

That's why she left and didn't didn't try to get in contact with me or anything.

So, then a couple days later, my younger sister came over before she left to go back to Italy because her husband was in the Navy.

So, she brought me one of the teapots that she wanted and she brought it over to me.

She was here.

I want you to have this.

I said, thank you.

I appreciate it.

But this is why I wanted that teapot.

I said it's you know, nothing to do with you.

It's nothing to do with, you know, our other sister.

It's just that's how I felt.

So I have 250 pots, I have the one that I wanted, then the one that my sister gave me so in 2017, I took An ancestry DNA test because I wanted to find out more about my mother's side of the family.

Because my great grandparents came from the austro-hungarian Empire prior to World War one.

So I kind of wanted to find out about my family so I took the test and I looked at it and I looked at the DNA matches.

So I was looking on there and I didn't think too much about it because I didn't see any of my surname on there but I didn't think anything about it because at the time I thought well you know what, you have to test.

To be on the list, right?

So I didn't think anything about it.

So I found a first cousin that was on there, and I found out that it was my biological mother's sister's son.

So, I had met you first cousin that I didn't know, so we communicated a little bit and then he dropped off the face of the Earth.

Don't know what happened to him.

So I kept going through my mother's list and mother's list, you know, kept going and kept going and then in 2019 in June, in June of 2019, a new first cousin match popped up.

So I knew who my mother's brother and sisters children were, I had a list of their names, this child was not on that list.

So I knew that my birth certificate.

Father's father had an extra Marital Affair and his wife and had two children with another woman.

So I thought well hey this could be one of them you know this could be a child of my aunt or my uncle that I didn't know you know that I don't know.

So I got ahold of this this first cousin this lady.

And the first thing out of her mouth was are you sure your mother wasn't adopted like no.

My mother wasn't adopted because I've got all this information.

And you know, I've got cousins and everything that match up to the family.

And so we talked a little bit more and a little bit more and she gave me the list of names of her three uncles.

And it took truthfully took about an hour to figure out who my biological father was based off of who she gave me four

names.

Wow, so only only an hour.

So all three were deceased.

Okay, to had two children And one had no children.

So I went and I found the, I found their obituaries online and I went with the oldest son, first, because everything was still in Michigan.

I was going through his obituary and I noticed that one of my DNA matches wind up with one of the people that was on that on the obituary.

Hmm.

So I finally got ahold of this match.

I actually stopped her through Facebook because she wouldn't answer.

You know, I had sent her a couple messages through Search tree.

And it seems most people don't answer through ancestry, right?

So I stalked her down through Facebook, you know, I asked her I said, hey, is such-and-such your mother and was so on, so your grandfather.

So she said, no such and such as my grandmother and such and such was my great-grandfather.

So I said, ah, okay.

So now the numbers start to make a little bit more sense.

So I said, can you get me in contact with your grandmother?

I can give you my phone number.

Please have her call me or I'll give you my email address.

Address or whatever and she gave her grandmother my phone number and her grandmother texted me were texting back and forth.

And and I had told her my story and, you know, searching for my biological father and, you know, it's one of three brothers and you could be a first cousin, or you could potentially be a half-sibling?

I'm not sure.

So we talked.

And then she finally, she called me.

And she said, it's hard to keep texting this stuff.

So we It's for probably an hour and I convinced her to do an ancestral DNA test.

So she ordered the test, they came in, she took it right away, sent it in so it was about, it was about five weeks.

I think before the results came back.

So when that five-week period we talked on the phone quite a bit, we text back and forth.

Quite a bit.

I was trying to explain to her how the centimorgans work and and how that you know, kind of gives you a guideline as to what possible relationship.

You know you can B and I told her, you know, again I told her many times that it's a good possibility that we're first cousins, but we could be half siblings.

I want you to know this I said, but I I was quite positive.

Her father was my father and I don't know how it was just in my mind that this is the guy even though I knew I still push that that first cousin because I didn't want to scare her

away because big news.

Yeah

yeah.

So I was in me.

One for work.

And I was coming home that day.

So that morning she had text me.

And, and I text her back and I said, hey, do you want me to put together, some sort of a sheet or something, to explain, everything to you.

So, when you get your results, you can look at it and say, boom, this is what's going on with this.

And she goes, no, just kind of tell me.

So I went over everything with her again.

I got home, I wasn't even home.

Probably a half hour.

I went on my ancestry.

I looked boom, up she Opt 100%

half-sibling.

So I called her right away.

I said, hey, I want you to know and she wasn't there.

So I left a message.

I said, hey, look, the results are in call me, please right away.

Call me.

So, a lot of half hour later, she calls me and she goes, well, I haven't even looked at the results yet.

I said, well, I said, you're my half sister and we talked for probably a good 45 minutes and everything seemed to be cool.

And I said, look, this is what I'm going to do.

I am going to back off.

Give you some time to think about it.

You call me and you tell me what you want to do.

She said, okay, that's fair, August came and went didn't hear anything so September.

I sent her an email saying, hey, look, I'm here.

You want to talk or something?

Please let me know what you want to do October cane.

It de same thing.

November came did the same thing.

December came did the same thing.

Christmas Eve of 2019, I get a call from my niece, which is her daughter.

You will leave.

Leave my sister.

My mother alone.

I said whoa, what do you mean she wants nothing to do with you?

I said, oh okay, why can't she tell me this what she thought by her not answering you that you would get the hint?

I said well I didn't realize that I'm in elementary school.

Yeah,

your mother is in her 60s.

I'm in my 50s, she should have communicated even sent me a text to say, hey leave me alone.

Then who would have been

fine?

But she didn't.

So I said, okay, fine.

I will leave her alone and I have not tried to make contact with her

since

so she's in her 60s.

I have an older half-brother who's in his 70s.

He lives probably hour and 15 minutes away from me, which is where my, my biological dad is buried, he's like five minutes from where his grave.

So I went to visit my biological father's grave because I just felt it was something I needed to To do.

Yeah, I'm a veteran, he's a veteran, I put a penny in 1967, penny on his grave on his headstone, because that's the year I was born and usually that's how veterans pay tribute to each other, honor each other, if we visit their grave and we were both veterans, you put a penny on their grave, so I did that.

So then I drove by my half-brothers house, which is on a private road and I didn't want to, you know, I didn't want to start anything.

So I didn't even go in, you know, go to his house or anything, but I did send him a letter.

Never heard anything from him.

I'm sure.

You know, he wants nothing to do with me either because basically what I get is it's my fault that their father cheated on their mother with my mother, you know, it's my fault, which it's not my fault, I had nothing to do with it, you know, I'm just the result of the infidelity on both sides.

You know, my mother was married.

My father was

Married, right?

Do you know kind of the circumstances or have you been able to get any of that information other than, you know, that they were both married?

But

my biological father was a supervisor for the County Road Commission.

So how they met?

I have no idea other than he was a Mason.

His father was a Mason, my birth.

Certificate father was a Mason.

My birth certificate grandfather was a Mason.

They were all at the same Lodge.

So I don't know if, If they knew each other, mmm, not I have no clue if they knew each other, okay?

So in in 2020, my my dad current wife, I guess you would say had had a couple of Strokes down in Texas.

They had retired down in Texas about 20 years ago, my step-brother went down, got his mother and he was going to fly her back up because he couldn't fly both my dad and my stepmom back up because it would have been too hard.

He flew down there with the intention of flying her back then.

He decided no, that's not such a good idea.

So I'm just going to run a car drive her back.

Still, he drove her back.

I flew down and drove my dad back in his car.

So my dad was here only for a couple of months in 2020.

So my step mother passed away October of 2020 from complications of the stroke.

And then a month later, my dad took his own life in my house and we had to settle their estate.

It was a big misunderstanding and confusion going on, so my Brother was the executor of my stepmothers estate.

I was the executor of my dad's estate but the way it turned out because she died.

First it all went to my dad so that made me the executor because it was all his estate then.

So we were passing stuff back and forth will one day my step-brother came over and I was putting stuff in his car and he goes you and I need to sit down and have a talk.

I said okay you know whenever just let me know when you want to do that.

And I said, you know, something I said I just want you to know I found out, you know, a couple of years ago that well last year that he wasn't my father that my mother had an affair or whatnot and he said, yeah, he said when I met your dad he told me that that was 30 years ago.

So he told my step-brother that I wasn't his but he didn't tell me that I wasn't his.

So I guess I guess he didn't tell me for the same reason.

I didn't tell him.

Didn't want to hurt him.

Yeah and I don't know they don't know if that's you know he was trying to protect me or not but you know he's my dad.

He'll always be my dad, I'll always love him.

You know, he gave me his name, literally, I had his first name and last name, you know, he raised me knowing that I wasn't his child.

That I wasn't his blood but he always in the last few years, he had always made snide comments about my mother being very evil and Everything and I did find out that when my my birth certificate father was 18, he was in a motorcycle accident and he wasn't able to have children after that.

So, now, it brings me back to did my mother cheat just to cheat, or did my mother cheap, because she wanted another child.

And if she wanted another child, then why did she leave me?

you know, it's just a lot of confusion.

A lot of you, no doubt.

A lot of just, I I don't know.

I just and there's nobody to ask because I can't ask anybody,

okay, so there's no living family members on either side that you could really go to like for your birth certificate father, or your mother.

So my birth certificate father's sister is still alive, but she's not very helpful.

Okay, not very helpful.

My mother's brother is still light.

Well, my mother's brother and mother Sisters still alive.

My mother's brother had a stroke, a few years back.

And his memory is gone.

He can't even tell you what high school, he went to and then the sister was never close to my mother, never hung out with my mother.

They weren't close at all.

So they, you know, there's there's nothing there.

So I have no one to ask about anything.

I was told that my mother used to Corral is quite a bit was cut with men numerous times.

You know, how true that is.

Yeah, you know I don't know if it's my dad just being hurt, you know?

Because that was his first wife, you know that was her second marriage but his first marriage, it's very confusing.

You know, my daughter's know, I told my daughter's about it.

My youngest daughter is very mad and she's the only reason that she's mad is that she's not biologically related to her great-granddaughter.

Her yeah, great.

Grandmother would have been my Grandmother, but I told her, I said, it doesn't matter.

I said, because she was still your grandmother, she still loved you.

She, my grandmother treated me better than she treated.

Anybody else, is it?

Because she knew that I wasn't, you know, hers by Blood did she feel bad for me or was it because I was the son of her oldest, son.

I, you know, I just don't know there's nobody to

ask what are your biggest questions that you have?

That you would like to have answered if you could, I don't really have

questions.

I mean other than I would like to know my biological family, you know, I found out things after my mother had died that she could speak Hungarian before she could speak English because where they live, they lived with her grandmother, who was Hungarian and that's what mostly what she spoke, you know, and I didn't even know, I was Hungarian until I was in my 20s and then my My birth certificate.

Father's mother used to call me a honky all the time because apparently that was that was the word that they called hungarians back in the day, you know, it was hunkies.

And so I wanted I would like to find out about my hunger and Heritage I would like to find out about my biological father's family.

I mean, I know more than my first cousin who helped me.

I know more about the family than she does just because I've been doing all the genealogical work because my grandparents came from England after World War.

My grandfather was born in the 1800s and my father was born in 1929.

Most of the people that are in my generation.

You know, their parents weren't born until, you know, 40s early forties, something like that.

So I just, I don't know.

I kind of feel out of place now.

Yeah, you know, most a lot of well, I shouldn't say most, a lot of the, the people of Gaya people.

I went to high school with their fathers were in Vietnam.

You don't mind was mine.

I was just at the tail end of World War Two.

So you got, you know, you got Korea in between and then you got Vietnam.

So there's there's a big swing there, really?

I wish I would have known that.

There was an option to go live with my

mother

because of the abuse but I don't know if I would have would have been happy.

I don't think I would have.

What was your sisters experience like living with your mom?

Do you know

know, I don't know because I do so I have I have two half-sisters From my mother.

And I have a half-sister and half brother from my father, really not close to any of them.

Hmm, I don't know, I don't want to call it closed.

I keep in contact with my, my younger half-sister on my mother's side but the older sister she, when she came back, she came back in 1980.

She came back to Michigan and she wanted nothing to do with me.

And all I did is, like I said, I, she was my world.

She was my idol.

She was my everything.

I loved her to death, and she wanted nothing to do with me and that hurts so

bad.

As you look back, does anything kind of makes sense?

I think often and bees have these moments where they're like, oh duh, I can totally see where that wasn't my biological father.

But I, you know, I just accepted it as truth.

Have you had any of those moments with either your, your mother, you know, before you turned 10 11.

And then your father, I look like

Nobody in my family.

Okay, I can look at I have very few pictures of when I was younger because of my dad's second wife, the one who, you know, played the charade of being my mother until it was finally brought out.

I have a few pictures.

So the pictures, I do have that my dad gave me.

I look through there now and I just look at it.

I don't look like anybody in my family.

There are all kind of a darker complexion.

I'm very

pale.

I'm pale.

I mean, English people are not, you know, tan people, I have blue eyes.

Nobody else in the family had blue eyes.

I have blond hair.

Everybody else had darker hair.

I look at it now and I'm like, how can I be that stupid?

How could I not have known that?

Something was different about

me?

Hmm,

and I had no pictures of my mother so I didn't even know what my mother looked like until her funeral.

Then I saw what my mother looked like and I really Think I look much like her now I found the obituary picture of my biological father.

If I hold up my high school graduation picture and put them next to each other.

Yeah, I can tell who I look like, but he didn't have blond hair so I don't know where the blind here is coming from.

Yeah, it's interesting how we have these moments.

But, you know, I think it's important that we know that we trust what we're told right as children and even though, I think, sometimes we look back and And oh yeah, I do look different than my family, you know, I don't I don't know that.

We see that right?

Like and think instantly, oh, there must be a missing biological connection.

It's but it's interesting how you're not the first person that I've spoken to that said.

And I've said it myself, to be honest, that I feel.

I feel stupid.

How did I miss this?

So I was curious if you had those experiences.

Yeah, you just, you don't.

There's no reason to think that just because you look different.

Okay.

Alright.

I for some reason I just don't look like that, right?

Never never.

Once crossed my mind that something could be wrong.

Yeah yeah.

What have you been doing to work through this experience?

So there's there's you know, CPC top secret, Facebook pages, you know for npes and stuff.

I go on there and and I try to tell my You know, on there and I look at it and, you know, sometimes I feel bad because I feel bad for myself, but I look at what other people write.

And I think, you know, I'm lucky, I guess, you know, I don't have it as bad as some of these people that are on here that are telling her

stories.

What do you, what do you feel lucky?

Or how do you feel lucky?

Well, my dad loved me.

I mean, he knew I wasn't his child but he loved me.

Like, I was his own.

Yeah, we weren't rich.

Each, you know, we're middle class family.

If we wanted something, we had to wait to get it because, you know, my dad had wait to save up money to get it and but I never really went without.

He never laid a hand on me ever once in my life.

Did he ever lay a hand on me?

His second wife.

Sure did.

But you know, he didn't, you know, his parents, my grandparents, I don't even know if they knew, I'm sure they did.

They had to have known that I wasn't his but they treated me greatly.

My grandmother.

She treated me, she called me, son half the time.

She didn't call me grandson.

She called me son.

She knew I would be there whenever she needed me.

I was the executor of her estate.

Wow, her and my grandfather always treated me.

Well, I mean, they, you know, I don't know, I was told a story but, you know, my dad was very much against my mother.

He used to say that when we were at my, at his parents house, playing my mother's parents lived across the street that they would want my older.

Sister to come over, but they would never want me to come over now.

How true that is?

Yeah, you know that could just be because he was hurt because she did that to him which I completely understand.

Right?

Mean I get it, I get it.

I just wish you know, wish he would have told me just so that I knew I wouldn't have loved him any lesson and maybe that's what he was afraid of.

That I

would write, is there a time that you wish you would have been told in terms?

Of you know your age.

Do you think that there's a time that's best for 4np?

He's to learn the

truth.

I would say, you know, really at the age 18 and the only reason I say the age 18 is because that's when you're technically an adult, you can go out on your own.

So with me, like I didn't go into the army until I was 20 but if something would have happened to me, when I was in the military, all the medical information.

That I had given was all a

lie.

Because all I knew was my dad's side and I gave all that information and that had nothing to do with me.

Right, you know.

And that's why I think 18 because you're going out on your own, you need to know who your family is.

I mean, the people who raised you, if they loved you and raise you and thought of you as their own, yes, that is your family, but your biological family.

You need to know any kind of medical history because now it's Just about me, it's about my daughters and it's about my grandchildren.

I don't know if there's anything that runs through the family.

It might my cousin.

She's tried to help me but there's nothing she can tell me about my direct family.

You know.

She can tell me the overall family that.

Our grandfather had a heart attack.

Your dad had a heart attack but she can't tell me anything

else.

Yeah that's at that.

Such a concern that I think people don't realize for NP.

He's is that our medical history is.

A lie when we don't have all of the facts,

I'm a member of the Veterans of Foreign Wars.

So I was on the department of Michigan State, honor guard.

And there was another comrade whose on the Michigan State honor guard.

Well, I found out since then that he is my first cousin but he's the, he's adopted into the family.

He doesn't know that we're cousins but he has the name but not the blood but I have the blood but not the name.

Oh wow, I look at it.

I'm not I'm not really into Veterans of Foreign Wars anymore.

I mean, I still go to my post stuff but I really don't do anything on the state level anymore but I need to talk to him at some point and let him know.

Hey, guess what?

Cousin?

Yeah, such a small world.

What what do you hope for?

Do you hope for any change with your sister?

That you

discovered?

I've thought about that a lot and if she came back to me, I don't know how He would handle it.

Now, her mother is still alive but her mother has Alzheimer's.

Okay, so I'm not sure that maybe if after her mother passes, you know, she'll try to contact me or not, I don't know.

I would love to have a relationship with family.

I really would, you know, growing up my birth certificate, father's family, you know, we were close but most of them are gone now, right?

So, I really don't have family other than my wife and my daughters and my grandchildren.

you know, but I would, I would love to have a relationship with a good relationship with one of my siblings.

I just wish that people would be more honest about things.

I know that that the older generation, you know, things were taboo, you know, unwed women, you know, having children and extramarital Affairs, and donor conception.

Ocean stuff like that, you know, you don't talk about it and it'll go away and it'll die with me.

And to me, in my opinion, it's just hurting his hurting the ones that you love that, that you're keeping the secret from.

Yeah, they should.

They should have a right to know, you know, everybody seems to have rights in these days except for, you know, like us you look at sperm donors, you know, they used to be able to be anonymous but now, there are there.

Certain places are coming back.

I can say well no now you have to release that information.

That's fine, medical medical issues happen.

You can't have children.

So, you went through this, you know, be honest about it.

Hey, I went out and had an affair, run your mother and you have a, you have a sibling, you know, you always have to think about how this not only affects you, but how this affects other people.

Yeah, you know, like I told my sister, my half-sister, when all this was taking place, I'm not Not, I don't want anything, I'm not trying to be a disruption, I just want medical information and I would like to know my family, if I get a relationship out of it, that would be fantastic.

But if not then not, you know, please just just acknowledge me.

You know, I am a person, I am your family, whether you want me to be your not like I said, I love my dad to death will be my dad forever, you know, and I'm grateful to him, you know, I'll go out to his grave and I'll tend to his grave and I'll could he be obnoxious?

Could he be irritating?

He's still my dad.

I still loved him.

Yeah, that's the way he was, you know, just just be honest with people.

Don't think that by keeping the secret that you're helping someone or protecting somebody.

You're

not yeah you just need to be.

You need to be truthful.

Yeah well so kind of you know going with that.

I ask everyone the same two questions at the end of each episode.

And one of those questions is, what advice do you have for parents that are keeping a DNA surprise from their child?

You kind of touched on that.

But is there anything

else I just wish?

I my dad would have been honest with me.

I wish you know other people would have been honest with me, but it is what it is.

Just you're not protecting the person by not telling them they have a right to know and like I said with the the biggest thing is the medical because now it doesn't just affect me but it affects my children and my grandchildren and that's not fair.

Yeah, if you don't want anything to do with me then don't have anything to do with me, but please tell me what the family medical history is just so I have an idea so that if something comes up, we can have, we can take care of it.

What advice do you have for someone who just found out that they're in

npe My biggest advice is to step back, take a deep breath and try to calm down.

It's a big thing that you go through, it affects people in different ways, every person's journey is their own.

What may have worked for me?

May not work for you but it's not.

I don't know how exactly explain it.

It's just not something that you need to.

It's going to weigh on you and it's going to weigh on you and it's going to weigh on you, but you need to step.

Ack, take a breath and try to relax.

And and if you need to go in another room and cry, it out, cry it out.

If you need to talk to someone about it, find someone who's sympathetic to you.

There are secret Facebook pages groups that you have to be vetted to get into.

It's not open to just everybody.

There are support groups that me.

Unzoom calls that helps.

It's a lot and don't always think that your spouse is going to be sympathetic.

Mine is I'm not saying mine is not.

I'm just saying that I've heard stories, I've read things where people spouses are sick and tired of hearing about it.

And you know are saying well I'll get over it.

You know this this person still your dad, what difference does it make?

And there's not a lot of professional help out there.

Yeah it seems to be a newer field.

Old of Psychiatry psychology whatever it is and there's not a lot of people out there that know a lot about it.

There's books you can buy that will help you out but find someone who you can trust who is sympathetic to what you're saying that's not just going to you know push you aside and you know, get over it.

Don't worry about it doesn't make any difference because it does make a difference.

Yes, that parent is still your parent.

Like my dad is, you know, like I said, I'll always love my dad, always be grateful to him.

You know, I've got his name.

I hope to make him proud of what I do in my life, but just always find someone to talk to that.

You can talk to Because it does, it does help it helps immensely

definitely.

This is great advice.

Well Phil, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story.

I know that it has left you with, probably more questions than answers, but I hope that you continue to find answers through your research and I will hope that your sister will have a change of heart and open up.

More to you in the future.

Thank you very much.

Thanks again to fill for sharing his story.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

And if you haven't yet, please rate, review And subscribe to the podcast on Apple podcasts and Spotify.

Until next time.