Shardae’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and isolating, but you're not alone and there is hope connection and Community are powerful tools as we process.

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Speaker 2

I like reading people's stories or I'm listening to podcast and I pause and I'm just breaking down now.

I'm like oh my God.

Or I'll some thought will come to me or just it'll hit me again.

Like I shouldn't be this last name.

This should be my last name or my God, I will never know my childhood.

And I had a rough one with my parents divorced and evil stepmother and all the drama.

Like, who I am with my anxiety?

And relationship problems.

Maybe wouldn't be if I had the right Dad or, you know, there's just so

much, but

it could just keep thinking of all that.

It's just gonna make it

worse.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality.

I'm your host Alexis ourselves in.

July of 2021.

I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who are shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP.

He's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA.

Prizes.

The DNA, surprise Community is very familiar with shame and stigma.

This week's episode tackles a taboo subject Sharda.

Took her DNA test for the same reason.

Many Americans do.

Out of curiosity about her family's indigenous ties, what she uncovered is that her birth certificate?

Father is not her biological father.

She is the product of a one-time encounter between her mother and her mother's first.

Ian.

Sharda talks about how she's navigating this information and processing the stigma around her origin story.

Thank you for sharing your story

Sharda.

My name is Sharda and I'm 36 and I'm from Oregon.

I grew up the oldest of four half siblings.

My parents were married like in 1980.

And for like, five years they've been trying to get pregnant.

All their friends were getting Pregnant and they were really wanting you know to add a baby to their family like everybody else and I think there's a shame when women can't conceive or yells in that time too.

But during their marriage, you know, up until I was conceived, there was no drama.

My mom made it known that my dad was pretty Unfaithful throughout their marriage.

So I was born 1986 and they Divorced before I was even too.

So, I grew up in, like, split home, my dad quickly remarried and they had two more kids and then my mom didn't remarry.

But she also at the same time, had two more kids.

So I had the four siblings when Mom was mostly always a single mom, they were always fighting my parents, you know, and visitation on the weekends and my stepmom was not the nicest person towards me.

And I just figured, you know, like you always have that feeling.

We're here at a lot like something felt wrong or felt off and I totally felt bad, but I felt like I was the step kid.

Do you know?

Or the, you know, she hated my mom.

So she treated me differently and just trying to put on a different face when I'm at my Dad's because he's a, you know, he was a fireman and I actually went to school to be a fireman trying to make Dad proud and always try.

In to, like, connect with him, anyway, that I can, because I just always felt like there's this disconnect, you know, his kids, he coached their baseball.

I was the athlete though, and they were.

And I, he never coached me.

So, I just, you know, so he's trying to get his affection somehow.

And to this day, you know, it's very strained, but he's always been there physically, just present, but not ever Showing.

Hmm, I became a single mom, myself.

Just like my mom and I was thinking, gosh, I'm going to be just like my mom and struggling and it was hard, but I somehow got my CDL.

So I was driving big semi trucks and I was able to.

Yeah, a lot of my friends garage with my kids and and get my own place and I had made it, you know, and I had this job, it just Boost my confidence and next thing you know, you know, covid covid happened and I lost everything.

It was devastating identity crisis, you know, number what, I don't know.

So that was difficult and, you know, during that time everybody's bored and I got it.

I just wanted to check out my Heritage and it's like, why not get one of these tests.

So this is 20/20, I believe in March. 24, May something like that.

I got the results back.

I didn't really understand how to read, you know, our navigate, the the site.

I just mainly wanted to find the Native American on the mom's side.

There's history there.

Cherokee and drive or something.

And I couldn't find it anywhere.

I saw I had like European like percents but I just didn't.

I wasn't impressed as kind of disappointed and put it away for a while and then I checked.

Back in, I'd had notifications from third or fourth cousins, like, oh, how are we related?

And I just was like, oh there's Natchez, you know, and I hear this so often like you don't run even aware like you're matching with people.

Like there's I wasn't it and I'm like oh, that's interesting.

But you know I'm not really into building a family tree.

That was my

you're really just curious about the ethnic

peace.

Yeah, exactly.

So so I was trying to help him now but then I was at the And I'm hesitant to like they're asking all these, you know, who's your mother and so, you know, they kind of back and forth and I put it away again for sweeping last year, I had a new match when I looked and this match was a girl that came up as a first cousin.

And I know a lot of my cousin's.

I grew up my family lives pretty close in the same town.

So Growing Up by I knew even second cousins, we'd all be hanging out and grew up together, and this girl, I had no idea who she was and she her centimorgans.

And, you know, I had to learn all those.

I was thinking Morgan number was higher than mine own first cousin.

That's my mom's nice of her brother and I was just so curious.

It was only like 100 more but still why do I know this person?

So I had messaged her and, you know, she messaged back, I don't even remember but we just didn't get anywhere for a long time.

It seems months until all of a sudden, her mother pops up.

I didn't know it was her mother because she, until she said, did you look at my mom's tree?

So, I'm looking and her mother came up.

I was like an ant, a half Aunt.

Eventually, I find out through this cousin saying, oh well my mom has to Two brothers from Oregon.

And I'm like, oh, and she named two and one of the names, I know.

As my, my mom's first cousin that I knew growing up or growing up, and I knew his daughter, she's my age and know as little cousins.

All of us, girls.

In the same age, we always have pictures together.

I'm trying to piece it together.

Still am like oh okay.

So that's how were related to know because her mom's related to this cousin that I'm related to So but still I didn't know, I only knew he had one sister locally or whatever and didn't know of this other sister but she's in a different state.

And so I'm asking my mom and like, do you know this lady and she she's like no don't think I do like and it was just on my mind.

I'm like doing I had notebooks of trees and like drawing and name and writing all this like Pages worth of just Trying to investigate and do this myself because I'm pretty good obsessively researching things.

So, I still was just swirling with brainstorming fats, like maybe my grandpa, my mom's dad, got with my grandma's sister and because something was little weird to hear ya.

And then because it got weirder when I asked the cousin.

If the mom of her mom was my mom's cousin, Is Mom at they shared the same mom and she goes because that's how I'm related to my mom's cousin is through his mother.

It's like if you're following, that's kind of confusing

but I know I understand.

So this new match that you found who is a cousin showing up as a cousin.

First cousin is what she shows up as correct.

Both cars and maybe half.

But yeah, it says, first cousin her mother

is Siblings with your Mom's cousin.

We're trying to piece it together to figure out.

Okay.

How is there a connection?

Yeah.

Is she a half-sibling with the cousin through your grandfather or something?

Yeah, you're like that.

But as far as I know, yeah, I'm just related to my mother's cousin through his mother and when she told me, no, they don't share the same mother, they share the same father.

I was like wait.

That doesn't make sense because I shouldn't be related to him through his father.

Right.

Like I was trying to like that's how that worries and what you are was the connection.

So I was still like not ever considering anything.

You know that my parents are my parents.

I told my mom that you know, and she's like, mmm.

She told me they were planning to your brother was having a birthday lunch or something.

And we're, they're all going to meet I wanted to tell my mom's kids, so my other siblings, you know, see if what they would come up with for this is like on the front of my mind here and family Scandal, I'm going to figure it out and I was really good, so I didn't go but my mom's like, well, I'm going to stop by on the way home and she comes over and she goes I think I figured out what this match is all about and I'm like, oh yeah, you know, I'm always listening and About, like, I'm going to

hear something about somebody else and just curious as heck and it, she goes, well, there was a party, and I'm like, okay, you know, I'm just listening.

And, you know, everybody was drinking, she made that clear.

She was very drunk and saying this, now, it just is relates to so many other stories.

She remembers going to the beach with her cousin and waking up on the beach alone.

Own and, you know, there was sand in places that it shouldn't have been.

And so she asked, her cousin, something may have happened last night or whatever and he said no.

And so, she believed him and just went on with her life.

She felt weird asking him that, but, you know, it was interesting.

So, oh, and she was married to my birth certificate father, at this time of this party.

But he was not there because he He had to work or something, he just wasn't there and the cousin also married a year.

I believe he was only married a year at that point but I still as she's telling me this wasn't clicking.

So I'm waiting for her to like tell me how I'm related to this person, you know.

And she had to literally tell me, Did it?

It's the cousin and I'm like what really?

You know I was like oh I still wasn't quite sure.

I mean I knew I heard her and she has literally say he is probably your father and I just was like total shock.

I'm sure because I didn't respond in a freak out like she expected and she was getting emotional and I I think it just naturally I didn't want to also get emotional, you know, I wanted to be okay so that she could be okay and, you know, like trying to minimize the magnitude of it but not even really absorbing at all.

You know, I just wanted her to leave kind of so that I could just think about what she just said.

So yeah, and this is on a Sunday and my kids.

Go to their dads on the weekend.

I pick them up on Sunday and I know what I was doing the rest of the day.

I knew I had to go pick them up and I I don't really remember the drive.

I know what I was doing.

I was looking in the mirror like for a while and I think I was Facebook's talking because I'm friends with all these people involved and just making a collage and side-by-sides and just getting my mind blown right now just hidden in plain sight is kind of what I felt like growing up.

Yup.

No one knew no one knew of any suspicions of best.

But if you look at us, I look more like him than his only daughter.

It's unreal.

What was your initial feeling about?

The fact that

your mother that your mother is your present?

Yeah, kind of just like no that's not cool.

Like Like, you don't do that.

Like, I'm trying to relate in some way, I've gotten drunk before, I've messed up and made mistakes, but I'm trying to imagine myself at a party with family and some crazy things with my cousin happening and I just can't relate to that.

I don't see, I've been drunk with cousins and never, you know.

So to me, it just

Does she say that she was

assaulted at first?

She did that.

She's like, he must have taken advantage of me.

I didn't know.

I had no idea, you know?

And I want to I'm cautious about that because I think that's a defense to not be accountable for something this huge at the same time.

Stuff can happen.

There is a history of abuse in her childhood, you know.

So there's things that could could just find out.

But knowing this cousin, I don't see it, I don't see it.

I just think they, they met not as children, they're more like teenagers when they met and I think she told me he had a crush on her and they had, you know, pen pals when he Was in the Navy.

I think there's a little bit of a history maybe an intimacy.

I don't know and I don't think I'll ever know but you know it's the forbidden fruit and this one night she could have been fighting with my dad or something and just surrendered to the feelings.

I don't know, I'm not mad.

I'm I'm just, I guess very grateful that she told me.

The truth and it's best she could I guess it's obviously when is a good time and at this time, I'm already at the depths financially, I haven't been able to get a job.

I don't have unemployment insurance, I'm just coasting by my kids are in school.

It's like they don't have daycare things are going falling apart of my kids in sports or games are just starting.

And that's another thing that's, I have to deal with in my mom.

And Nobody else does.

I have to see my birth certificate father at these gangs following week.

That was a Sunday.

I had my kids conferences, I had a job interview.

Like I was finally moving somewhere and looking forward to even though scary to start a new job, this is a whole new identity and and just yeah like change so much and now this I didn't get that job.

I just couldn't couldn't do it.

I couldn't start a job right now.

So here I'm still unemployed and this is consuming my every day, all my thoughts, every day.

And it's been since this was March.

When my mom told me, it was like, March 13th.

It took two years from when you took your initial to us to when you learned so March of 2022, your mom tells you the truth.

Do you

reach out to your birth father?

Um, so that was something that was like the next step who's going to reach out to him.

My mom and she's checking in on me every few days and she's kind of in shock as well.

But you know what?

I think really helped this situation to not ruin our relationship.

So far is the fact that I I didn't know and she had time to piece it together.

Herself and prepare to tell me and said of her being, the one being blindsided, she was able to gather her shame and bravery and courage to come to me.

I think that made a big difference in how things are right now.

She decided she was going to contact her cousin and he had stopped joining the family.

We events when I was about eight or something like that, like he was gone moved away, like same state, but few hours away, kind of makes sense now, but as if maybe he knew or had a feeling, but what do you do, you know, she messaged him saying when text message like she just pulls his number up because he's in her phone.

So she said something like, hey we really need to talk.

Can you call me or something?

And so she told him and his response she said was oh wow, you know, I think he's kind of like me and just make trying to make light of it, like, oh, looks like I got a bigger family or, you know, because I was afraid that he would just ghost bus or, you know, like it's so scary.

The fear of rejection and all of this.

Like, I've already had enough rejection of the jobs and all of, you know, trying to start Dover and who am I?

And, uh, so after she told him, he said he needed to talk to his wife and that he would get back to her.

Well, so the waiting, you know, the waiting for him to get back to her and I haven't said nothing to anybody else.

My mom, I guess told my sister her other daughter just so that I can have someone else to talk to.

And I'm, I told a close friend but you know, they didn't understand her.

See.

I mean, that's crazy but, you know, nobody understands.

Few weeks go by and my mom were anxious to hear something from her cousin, so she's 12 to message him and I'm like, don't do that yet.

Just chill Nick.

Meanwhile, I am like digging into inter-family stuff and trying to find anybody stories like mine.

I can't.

Like how do you do this?

How do you even tell anybody?

The one, your dad is not your dad.

But then the whole, the whole other part of it, that's so taboo.

And so awkward, and it's scary.

So, I'm also just communication is huge with this.

So I have a book nonviolent, communication book, and that book could change the world.

I think if we could just know how to communicate properly our needs.

And, and just getting to the point, And so I was diving into that preparing to maybe reach out to this cousin, but really being careful.

So when my mom's like, Oh well, we should I message, I'm like, hold on, you know, need to be careful and she ends up, she was with me.

She came over and she, I'm like, just maybe just ask the status and just ask one question.

Don't you have all these questions?

Just ask one.

I don't want to scare them away, you know?

So she He asked you know, if he had told his wife yet he said yes she knows and any further dealings will be between me and him.

So she kind of was like a little offended like, oh, he doesn't talk to me anymore, which she understands but she kind of acted like she's a little pendant.

So but that was huge news for me just to know that he does want to connect or contact me at some point.

So I wait some more and Nothing.

Yeah, nothing.

And so then I am writing letters, I'm preparing like for my own sanity.

I need to talk to him, I need something here, some acknowledgement of something.

I shortened it down.

I even wrote it out just because it might be helpful.

This is what I said was pages, but now it's like a paragraph.

I just said, hey cousin, breaking the ice here, bear with me.

So after matching With your sister, the story for my mom and just looking in the mirror, I'm aware.

You're likely my bio Dad, I've been in a state of complete bewilderment that's word.

I figured out the last two months.

Devastated, can't sleep and feeling pretty along with all of this.

I need to connect somehow, I'm scared and had been Unsure how to reach out.

It's also damned uncomfortable.

Would you be willing to connect with me how you're feeling?

And Watch that sir.

I could use some acknowledgement to help confirm.

This is real.

He's my mind a bit would appreciate it.

Thanks, yeah, did he

respond?

He did like within 30 minutes he goes.

Hi Sharda.

I'm now where I'm like, what your bio dad I have been afraid and ashamed of what my family will think of me.

You have done nothing wrong and have a right to know.

I just want to handle this carefully and how you want it to go.

And then he Said him and his wife were coming back from a vacation and gave me his number.

So which I did not just call him, you know?

I was like, I got his number.

Okay, you know, and so then eventually we plan to talk on the phone.

Things are just going very slow.

It seemed like every day, so slow.

But eventually we had the scheduled call.

He called one minute before 10 a.m.

And the first thing he said was I've suspected For a long time I thought this day may come and I'm just like, oh yeah, you know, and it went really well.

The conversation each of us were just like, okay I told him I'm like yeah I did some breathing before the call, you know, if I God I'm shaking, you know, like so we're able to be vulnerable and talk about our stuff which was so refreshing and sad because I haven't to this day had a real authentic conversation with With my birth certificate dad, you know, on a Feeling as level like that.

And it was nice.

He talked about, you know, his side of things and and what happened or have you not discussed?

That.

As far as the story I told him kind of what my mom said and he didn't tell me his version of the story, he's has acknowledged his part, you know.

And that's really all I need is just him to take the accountability that yeah.

He's not denying it.

You know, that's all I need.

I'll need to know the details of how drunk you were and how that went about?

I really here.

So right.

Yeah, and his wife, he kept saying his wife, you really need to talk to my wife.

She has an almost identical story and I'm like, what?

And I reached out to her, and we finally scheduled a time to talk.

And she told me two years ago, she found out her dad is not her test and so, she's an MP and she, I told her I'm like, oh my god, you're an He and she goes.

What's that?

Even know what that is?

I think she is the biggest miracle in this, because if it was not for her, she's the one who encouraged him to reach out to me.

As soon as he did, it's been amazing to have her support and encouragement.

I don't know.

It's like, almost like it was supposed to happen this way, so they, she could be there for this and it's amazing.

So after that he was preparing To tell his mother and his daughter, his wife had called to kind of give me a heads up and went, what days he might be doing that.

Well, he ended up doing it the day before he she told me.

So I think it was just really eating at him, and they had talked about wanting to meet them and I'm like, I would be okay if we didn't tell anybody yet, and we could just plant a time.

I could come visit before she hits the fan, you know?

Yeah, that was my fear is not.

Getting the chance to see him, if something happens where it's now going to change his mind or, you know, something interferes with that.

I was so scared like that.

And I think he didn't like the idea of having to hide it and keep more secrets.

And, you know, that was awesome.

He stepped up and he got Brave and sat him down.

I don't know how it all went, but I do know that his daughter was pretty upset about him cheating.

Mom, this point.

We had we had made a plan for me to come down and I'm excited, but I'm nervous.

Obviously, I just feel like

he's haven't seen him in person since this Revelation.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, and have you talked to your sister, his

daughter?

No, nobody's reached out to me and this was just about a week ago that he told them.

Um, so so so this is

fresh.

Oh yeah.

And what was his his mother's

reaction, I don't really know.

Hmm, I didn't hear that because I just spoke with his wife about it.

She was mainly we're talking about his daughter's reaction and what it sounds like.

Well his response coming from her was that it went better than he thought it would.

But she's upset daughter's upset.

No, at this point have You told your birth certificate father?

No so he does not know.

Okay, no and my perspective has changed a little bit with him, you know, to how much pain this will put him through even though he's caused me a lot of pain and never said sorry but I don't want to be

Causing anybody pain ever but obviously I know it's not my fault out of

that so it's not your fault.

Has your mom indicated if she might tell

him.

Oh, so that's another thing.

She's she's like her first reaction was like, oh my God, your dad's going to send me and I'm like why for child support that he's paid.

And I'm like, if he did that, I don't think I would ever talk to him because then he'd be denying me as his child or, you

know.

But legally, I don't think you can do that.

I'm trying to tell her.

No, he can't do that.

Yeah, he's going to be really pissed and he has a right to be, you know, but there's nothing we can do we just what matters most is how we what we do now with it.

How can we make the best of it?

It's what I young for, you know?

Did your mom ever?

Say if she wondered when you were little or was this just a shock to her in 2022?

I was completely shocked, but how can you not wonder?

I'm a mother.

I kind of went through something similar.

It's weird how things in my life can relate to have more compassion for stuff.

When I got pregnant, it was a wild summer.

Okay, I wasn't in any relationship but I had to had a boyfriend first boyfriend that I was reuniting with, but there was two guys that were too close together.

And I had a scheduled like abortion because he was with someone.

This was like a secret fling and then just I'm like, no I can't.

I'm not going to do that because there was a potential that it could be.

My first boyfriend, the guy I was in love with, you know.

So I said, no, it's not yours.

I'm going to tell him to his end.

This is just like well, you know, like this is crazy to think that I've gone through this and listen to what I chose to do.

And and then As I'm pregnant first boyfriend bought a house for making it work.

We're going to it was a fairy tale and I got news to this other guy died.

We do while I'm pregnant and there's a chance it could have been his.

I went to his funeral pregnant and I hadn't told my boyfriend any of this.

So anyways just like seeing both my kids.

Now they're identical.

Blond hair blue eyes.

They look just like their dad so but there's no real confirmation and And, you know, so I just, I did wonder, I always wondered, you know, and I wonder more now with all of this.

So, how come my mom?

Not wonder, and see me and see the resemblance, and know the time frame?

You don't not know as a woman who you slept with and the timing.

But she's she said that, you know, she was with my dad that same day.

So if I was in her situation, I don't know what I would have done differently.

Faced with something like

that.

How are you processing?

This component of it?

Because it is so taboo and is it is hard to, you know, talk about in our society and you know, like you said it is not your fault and yet your kind of saddled with the stigma.

So how are you working through

that?

My working through that?

I'm just trying not to feel bad for existing And I'm afraid that me being born is just going to be a reminder of the shame.

You know, I hate that but that's a feeling that I have and I can't, I carry everybody's emotions too much and I need to not but I'm trying to write stuff down my processing, I don't know, I'm not I dissociate a lot.

I have kids that interrupt my my processing, my healing.

Crave, You know, I go to the river and sit all day while they're in school, not sure where I should focus my energy because I need a job.

I like these are not good and then I have this that I can't get out of my head as Steph has progressed.

It's coming out on my mom's side.

My mom even told her dad and his response was shit happens.

That is that is the best response I think, I don't know.

Yeah just kind of not not making it worse.

Yes, I guess.

You

Yeah, just accepted it.

Okay, don't want to hear anymore.

Probably.

But, all

right.

But they don't get it.

They don't get my grandpa's actually said to my mom that he's worried about my dad's response to.

It needs to be carefully done, I think at all does, but

you're so fresh from this experience.

I mean, yeah, it's been three months now.

The we're talking.

Yeah, are you?

Being

for acceptance.

I think is the biggest thing I think because my relationship with my birth certificate, father has always been strained.

I'm Longing To really connect with this new dad, and it seems like he's anxious to me my kids to he said, those are my grandkids and he's all about it and that makes me excited that we're on the same page here.

To get to know each other.

I'm afraid that his daughters not going to like that, but maybe she'll come around.

She is also three months younger than me.

I have a picture of him holding me as a baby and my baby book.

I cherish that like that's amazing to have that.

It's very weird.

I also have a picture of his wife at the time.

Holding me pregnant with the picture of him and my dad in a wedding standing side-by-side.

It's like, it could be a movie but yeah, I just hope but that my dad.

Dad.

It's going to be a make-or-break.

I think we're already strained, either, you can see that we're not biologically connected.

There's no obligation to have a relationship or there's nothing else connecting us other than love at this point and I think that's what I can help for and maybe we can be authentic and closer and like that's what I wish.

But I'm trying not to get my hopes up, you know,

have you allowed yourself to cry and kind of feel all of the feelings.

Now, you said you'd associate a lot, but how are you working through your

emotions?

They all come out when I'm alone.

First week, I was having to go in the bathroom and close the door.

So, I've had a therapist since before covid.

Just from my burn out with kids, Life, balance and relationships, and anxiety.

And

as your therapist, been helping you work through

this sort of listening and helping me make decisions or see the light of things.

Get organized in my mind, I think he specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, which I keep hearing about EMDR stuff.

And we're going to long between Meetings.

I need like a weekly at least and it's two weeks.

And I'm like so much is going on.

I'm feeling all these feelings.

I'm also, because I'm not working.

I don't have the best insurance to get these, specialized their pants, so, and it's tough.

So, I luckily have done some work and shame.

I've read a couple Brené Brown books.

I got the dare to lead and The gift of imperfection, that's good one to process shame.

And but also does is help like my mom and her shame and Justice.

That's all what this all revolves around and how people respond because of it and the fear and compassion, knowing the more, I can know, I guess.

But

can you talk more about your feelings for your mom?

At this point?

I love her.

I feel like there's a little bit of a, more of a Turn down because she is emotional and wants to not be the bad person.

So she might react, impulsively with stuff, she shouldn't, you know, I have compassion for her.

I know, she's just got broken parts but affect the way that she handles things, she's trying to do the right thing.

She's trying, she knows this is painful for me.

I don't think she Stands the, the depths of pain that I feel on a cellular level and I try to explain it because it be knowing the emotions and how to verbalize them is so important for people to try and understand.

And what I've noticed is just you need to relate the emotions to emotions that people feel like with grief.

You know, there's similar feelings.

Even though you haven't gone through the same thing, but you can connect on Love understanding with that emotion but still it's just great.

A lot.

How do you feel about yourself through all

this?

I feel that there was something about me my whole life that was different and I feel like this confirms that like there's a reason I don't know, it helps me feel better about myself if I can help.

Somebody get through their crap, even this specifics of mine and just give them hope and and something items or at least some sort of process the way I went through or just it's going to be it is needed obviously it's just every day's another person joining the Facebook groups, you know.

that

is so painful.

I feel like I'm hopeful that a lot of healing can happen from long-buried Traumas and pain.

I'm hopeful that knowing where it came from.

Is going to little by little.

He'll those confusions about what, why do I have freckles?

That's not a problem, but why do I act this way?

Or why do I love doing this?

When my dad never understood why I am so artistic and he's fancy to, you know, he's the more you need a career and I'm a good singer.

I'm I'm a very artistic person that was an acknowledged, really.

And it was more like, oh, you can't be better than my daughter with my stepmom.

Like like you you're standing out too much or you know better or I don't know.

I I know I need a lot of help and I struggle with asking for it but just I don't know.

All my other problems seem a lot smaller.

Now with this is here, but it's like the world still.

You gotta make Money and you got to go to work and you got to keep going.

And I feel for people that, you know, it's one thing to not have a job and you really need one.

But I'm so thankful for the time like I've just stopped worrying about everything, all the bills, not getting paid.

I just had to take my kids, be a mom and find Space to be alone and process.

Like that's been just what I've been doing and eventually this Just not going to work for much longer, but I'm, I don't know.

I keep thinking, well once it get to meet him, I'm going to feel so good and I'm just going to be having all this confidence and go get a job.

What

advice do you have for parents?

That might be, keeping a DNA surprise, from their child's.

I've thought about this and everyone or says, tell him, don't keep it a secret.

Well, that's Obviously good idea, but I think First, the parent needs to prepare, I think they need to first of all know they're going to find out, you can't.

It's not going to be hidden, whether you tell them or they find out through these tests and they need to do work on that shame that they are carrying.

So that the ramifications of it coming out there, oh, they'll be better able to not only have compassion for themselves and empathy, but empathy, and compassion for For their child when they find this out because I think the shame the unhealed shame is so destructive on children that find the cell from their parents.

Like they're the bad guy because that shame is now revealed.

Like if they can do that work this can go a lot better for everybody and cause less pain.

I think it's it's big deal as far as age being an adult, we all have established lives and identities.

So Maybe not, when they've got a family and believe they know who they are before they get to high school.

Maybe, you know, when they're figuring themselves out, they need to know what to do with the rest of their life.

And this would be a time to tell them so they can decide, you know what to do that.

I think.

Yeah, that's great advice.

You're so fresh into this process but do you have any advice?

Us for someone who might be in your position.

Yeah, time take a timeout.

If you have a job, take time off, you're going to need to feel what you feel.

You need to have safe space to cry and not hold it in.

Join those groups that's a game changer, you know, it's hard when people find out, they don't know the acronym or the npe, you know, I didn't.

But I Googled enough and figured it out, so take it.

I know there's so many questions, so many spiraling of thoughts but just try to write them down.

Be careful who you talk to about it.

Just I mean my case I had to be really careful but Because you don't know your fragile and people can take it the wrong way and it'll might discourage you from wanting to tell people, you know.

So just know, make sure you trust that person.

You talk to and find a therapist.

If you don't already have one, you know, I hear it a lot, but the trauma that the EMDR because support is so important and it can feel really lonely.

Get some Brené Brown books if you need to.

To communicate no good way of communicating get that nonviolent communication book.

It's got steps.

I like steps.

I think there's just a reason that were going through this because of the whole DNA stuff and we're the beginning of what's to come.

So we're kind of creating this foundation of the process from scratch and it's tough but there's going to be a lot of good will come from the crap work on camera, you know hopefully for the Sure the people that find this out

like, yeah, I hope so too.

Well Sharda, thank you so much for your vulnerability and coming on, and sharing your story, and working to eliminate the shame and taboo around your situation.

I hope you feel proud of yourself and I hope that your journey continues and a positive way.

And that when you do tell your father, It's a positive outcome and and good luck meeting your bio dad like, I thank you.

Please stay in touch and and let me know how it

goes.

I don't think you appreciate it.

Thanks again to Sharda for her vulnerability and telling her story.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

And if you haven't yet, please rate review And subscribe to the podcast on apple pie.

Podcasts and Spotify until next time.