Jessica’s DNA Surprise

In this week’s episode, Jessica shares how her NPE discovery unfolded. She discusses how it’s affected her relationship with her raised family and how she is trying to learn about her biological father, a man she was aware of while growing up.

One of the things that struck me most about Jessica’s story is how much it reflects the effects COVID 19 on DNA surprises. From delayed opportunities to connect with family to deaths preventing NPEs from getting the answers they so badly want, the pandemic has changed the trajectory of many journeys.

[00:00:00] Jessica: And I also wonder that did my mom not tell me? Because when my parents got divorced right before I turned 12, and my dad, who I thought was my dad, turned into a Jehovah’s Witness, so all of a sudden stopped celebrating, holidays. So that was, like I just had it. I feel like with puberty and all of that, it was just not a good time to be telling a teenager that.

[00:00:25] Jessica: So I feel like at the same time, She shouldn’t have told me when I was a teenager ’cause I wouldn’t have been able to handle that information. So that’s why I don’t have any animosity towards her because I can’t say that I would’ve done it differently because I don’t know what I would’ve done if I was in the same situation.

[00:02:25] Jessica: Jessica, 42, Illinois. I had done a test Christmas around Christmas of 2019 because every year when we would get together, my brother would pull up his, we would go over.

[00:02:40] Jessica: Stories about our ancestors and there was a lot of interesting things that we found out about the family. And that Christmas of 2019, he was showing a bunch of like really weird stories about our family. And I was like, wow, that’s pretty cool. And so I was like, oh, I’ll do it too. I had absolutely no suspicion.

[00:03:03] Jessica: I was always told that I was adopted by my real dad because my parents weren’t married when I was born. And then when they got married, they got pregnant with my brother. So my older sister was always my half sister, and I always knew that, but I always thought that my brother and I had the same dad.

[00:03:18] Jessica: He, my brother has a little bit of a darker complexion. I’m a little more pasty, but we always chalked it up as I looked more like my mom and he looked more like my dad, or, what we thought was my dad. I did the test and then I got the results and I didn’t even notice that my brother wasn’t my full brother in the results because I didn’t know how to read ’em.

[00:03:41] Jessica: And then finally he is oh yeah, you and Jenny are only 200 different, whatever the measurement is that they use, it wasn’t very different. And I was like that’s weird because she’s half and I’m full. And I’m like, wait a minute. I’m like, I don’t see anybody from. Dad’s side. And he’s what do you mean?

[00:03:59] Jessica: And then he called me right away and he’s on there and on there. And on there. And I was like, I don’t see any of them. And I’m like, but I see this person and I. He’s I don’t see this person. And he is maybe it’s, maybe it’s a cousin.

[00:04:13] Jessica: ’cause we do have relatives that are gay. And so he’s maybe they used a pseudo name to do the test because my sister had used a pseudo name to do the test so that nobody would know it was her. So I was like, oh, that would make sense. Maybe they just wanted to use a different name and not let everybody know.

[00:04:30] Jessica: But it turns out that’s not the case. It was a real person, their real name. But just turns out that. That’s how we found out.

[00:04:39] Alexis: What was your reaction when you put it all together?

[00:04:41] Jessica: I was just in shock. I was just surprised. I always I never had any really question. I know I had questioned my mom because my parents got divorced and my dad was abusive when we were growing up and.

[00:04:58] Jessica: I didn’t like him, so I would constantly fight with him. And there were times when it was his weekend to take us and he would only take my brother and I would cry and just not understand why he was always showing favoritism to my brother. But now that I have the results and I found out, I feel like so much more has come to light.

[00:05:20] Jessica: Like I’ve since talked to my dad and I asked him, I had asked him one night, like about. How he felt about it. And he’s what do you mean? And then he had come over and we were talking about it and because we’ve since made amends from when I was younger. When I was younger, I was very argumentative and just, I didn’t behave well with him at all.

[00:05:42] Jessica: So it was, I was always confrontational with him. But it worked both ways, but I definitely did not do my best to behave when I was with him. So did he suspect? Yes. Now I know that he did okay. But he never told me that there was a time when I was in my twenties and I had called him and I had asked him, why he treated me the way he did and, showed favoritism to my brother.

[00:06:05] Jessica: And he never ever mentioned a word of it to me that he questioned or anything. So he just treated you differently? Yeah, he just treated me. And I didn’t know, but after I had confronted him, after I found out he’s oh, who does it say you’re related to? And I pulled it up and he goes, yeah, so and so is your dad.

[00:06:24] Jessica: And I was like, wait a minute. What? I’m like, how do you know? And he is oh, he used to come to the farm all the time. He gave you your first dog, he gave your sister a prize goat. He gave us, our, a couple other dogs ’cause they were dog breeders and. I had no idea about any of it. I remember the dog that I got when I was five years old.

[00:06:45] Jessica: I don’t remember the person that gave it to me, but that was how I found out who my bio dad was. And then I found out that he passed away I believe in 2011. I never had the opportunity of knowing him, and I reached out to, he does have two daughters, and I reached out to them. The one didn’t acknowledge me or answer the message at all and the other one did.

[00:07:11] Jessica: And then she was skeptical because her sister and her mom were not very supportive. So I paid for a test for her. And she did the test and then got the results and sure enough, it showed that she’s my half sister. So now she, obviously believes me, but. She did ask outta respect of her mom and everything to just keep, everything private on the down low.

[00:07:37] Jessica: And I’ve respected that. I’ve just pretty much stayed back and I figured there’s not really anything that I can do. To make them wanna have a relationship or talk to me. I don’t know how I would feel knowing that, I had a half sibling out there as a result of something that I don’t even know about.

[00:07:55] Jessica: And I’d say the, probably the hardest thing for me is not being able to ask my mom what happened, because I know she was very religious, but I also know that she was a single mom with my sister. And then she got pregnant with me. I don’t know if she got pregnant with me and it was consensual or if it was not consensual.

[00:08:14] Jessica: I have no idea. Oh. And I know that they, from what I understand, they worked together. But I was born in the late seventies and my mom was a police officer at the time when she got pregnant with me and. It was a very sexist work environment, so I don’t know any, anything about, If it, like I said, if it was consensual or if it wasn’t.

[00:08:42] Jessica: So that obviously is something that I wonder about

[00:08:45] Alexis: Was your biological father married at the time? Okay. So your sisters, are they older or younger than you? Your half sisters?

[00:08:53] Jessica: Yes. Yes. Older. They’re actually older than. The sister that I grew up with. Okay. So they would be at an age where they could remember, I would think.

[00:09:03] Jessica: But the one that does talk to me gives me very little information. If anything, I’ve really only got one picture of my bio dad. Everything else I’ve found out from Googling. Wow. And I did ask, a health history and my dad. Who I thought was my bio dad, he knew. He is oh yeah, he had ms.

[00:09:25] Jessica: It’s good to know some stuff, but that’s all that I really knew is that he had ms. And then my dad said that he was I guess egotistical, he would tell everybody that he was a part of mensa, which, you know, kinda like bragging as if he was better than people. So I don’t really know.

[00:09:41] Jessica: I don’t really know him. I don’t know anything about him other than what I’ve been told. And I would imagine that the times that he did come over to the farm when I was growing up, he had to have known that I was his daughter, or at least had an idea. Yeah, so I’ve got blonde hair, green eyes, and my brother, who I thought was my full brother my whole life has more of an olive complexion, brown hair, brown eyes who I thought was my dad.

[00:10:07] Jessica: Brown hair, brown eyes, but he’s pasty. And then my mom, she had like a red hair, blue eyes, and she was pasty too I really never thought anything of it. People when my brother and I were growing up would say, oh, are they twins? Because we were so close in age. So I was just really surprised, by the whole thing.

[00:10:27] Jessica: Now,

[00:10:27] Alexis: I know you, you said that you aren’t able to ask your mom. Questions about this. When you first found out, did you confront her?

[00:10:37] Jessica: I found out, I think it was the end of February of 2019, and my mom was in the hospital with pneumonia and I didn’t think that was really the best time to talk to her because she wasn’t feeling well.

[00:10:52] Jessica: And then she got outta the hospital and she got released to go back to work. And then she was working a lot. So she was tired because of work and she was 69 years old, so working 12 hour shifts on her feet in a nursing home. So she was working a lot and I just pretty much respected that she was tired.

[00:11:12] Jessica: And I was like I’ll wait till it’s. A better time, a more appropriate time to say something. And I finally, after she got better and got back to work and everything, it was may like the late, the end of May, I sent her a message, like a text via Facebook Messenger, and I just took some screenshots of what I found out and I was like, I’m not sure if you’re able to make sense of what I sent you.

[00:11:40] Jessica: I’ve known for over a month now that Fred’s not my dad. I’m sure you have your reasons for handling this the way you have. I have no intention of. Blabbing this to anyone. I do, however, wanna know who my father actually is. I’m not interested in reaching out at this to this person after 40 years. There’s really no reason for me to, hopefully someday you’ll tell me.

[00:12:02] Jessica: And her response was, no, I didn’t understand what you sent me. I always thought Fred was your dad. That was why I made the decisions I did. I wish you would’ve said something sooner. I can’t seem to grasp this. I need some time to wrap my head around this. I’m sorry. I know you want answers, but I can’t even think straight right now.

[00:12:20] Jessica: I love you and I’m sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to do that. Wow. So that was the last time we talked about it. That was April 2nd. April 6th was my birthday. She called me and said, happy birthday. I’m really tired. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday, but I’ve been working a lot and I’m just really tired.

[00:12:42] Jessica: So I’d gotten off the phone with her and then the next day I got a call from my brother. She went into the hospital and tested positive for Covid. Oh my gosh, she never came out of the hospital. I’m so sorry. Thank you. But it’s just, it wasn’t, I did talk to her while she was in the hospital and send her videos and stuff, but that was the furthest thing from my mind about talking about.

[00:13:07] Jessica: Yeah.

[00:13:08] Alexis: So she passed and then you’re in this. I imagine state of grief for your mom, and then you’re also dealing with this massive identity shift.

[00:13:19] Jessica: She went in, she went into the hospital April 7th. She went on event April 9th, and we had to transfer to a different hospital so she could get better care.

[00:13:32] Jessica: But by then it was too late. She did wake up from her coma and was responsive and was. Off the vent for a short period of time, and then she had to go back on and she ended up passing May 18th. So it was a long, it was a long time. Yeah, that she, so my focus completely shifted to just like looking at stuff on my own.

[00:13:54] Jessica: Like obviously I couldn’t sleep because I was stressed about my mom. Then I was also confused about my upbringing. Like everything that I thought was true was not true. I thought I was born on my grandma’s birthday. I wasn’t. I, my middle name was after my grandma, but that’s not my grandma growing up.

[00:14:12] Jessica: There’s just so many things that I’m just like I really wonder. How scared my mom was to have made the decisions that she did. I know that she came from a very strong Catholic upbringing and she really tried to follow that as much as she could, but obviously things happened and you have no way of knowing what happened unless you were there.

[00:14:35] Jessica: So it, everything that I think of is strictly speculation and all I can really think about is. She raised me. She told me that when she was pregnant with me because on what I thought was my dad’s side of the family, there’s Down syndrome. She said when she was pregnant with me, everybody was saying she could have Down Syndrome.

[00:14:56] Jessica: And my mom’s Nope, I didn’t. I wasn’t worried about that. I still wanted to have you. And then when I was pregnant with my first son, He had some health conditions and they were worried about Down Syndrome, so they did a test and everything was fine. But she told me that story, do you care if this child has Down Syndrome?

[00:15:16] Jessica: I was like, no, I’m gonna love it anyway. And she’s that’s what my thought was. She’s but that’s what they’re asking you when they’re making you make all these huge decisions is can you still live with this child if it has a disability, I. She’s because I was presented with that and that didn’t bother me.

[00:15:33] Jessica: I know that I feel like a lot of people have a lot of resentment towards their mom for lying to them, but their mom is not my mom and I don’t know what their story is. All I know is my story and I really think that my mom really. Was in a bad spot and didn’t know what to do and made the decisions she did and didn’t realize how impactful it was.

[00:16:01] Alexis: So you are not angry at your mom?

[00:16:04] Jessica: I mean it, I feel like it goes in waves. Like I am angry at her for lying, but I don’t know why she lied, so I can’t. I have resentment towards her for lying.

[00:16:20] Alexis: Has your Birth certificate, father shed any light on the situation of what he thinks might have happened.

[00:16:26] Alexis: Did she talk to him about that?

[00:16:27] Jessica: Actually, no, I didn’t. I know that I know that my mom was best friends with my birth certificate, dad’s sister, and she passed away of ovarian cancer before I was born. So I almost wonder if my mom. I thought that he would be the better dad for me. I really, again, it’s speculation, right?

[00:16:51] Jessica: But I, I don’t know. I know that my grandma, who is not my grandma, but she was always really mean to my sister because my sister wasn’t her granddaughter. So I don’t know. If my mom like had that in the back of her head too, that I would be treated differently by that side of the family if they knew the truth, or if my mom really did think that it was possible that my birth certificate dad could be the dad.

[00:17:17] Alexis: What has the reaction been of everyone in your life now? How has your relationship with your birth certificate father now?

[00:17:25] Jessica: I would say it’s, we’re closer but the same because we’re really the only two that don’t understand how we feel ’cause it, we’re the two that are most affected by it. I feel like everybody else in my family really doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

[00:17:42] Alexis: What about your brother and sister that you grew up with?

[00:17:47] Jessica: My brother that I grew up with, him and I are only 11 months apart, so we’re really close. We have been growing up and everything he says he understands and if I say something to him, he’s supportive.

[00:17:59] Jessica: He is not, mean or anything, but he’s got a big family and he’s pretty busy. Busy. And then my sister and I, the one that I grew up with, she’s eight and a half years older than me and we don’t really get along. Very well. Okay. I think she had a lot of resentment because she had to do so much.

[00:18:18] Jessica: She told me how she hated my birth certificate dad for many reasons growing up because he always made her do chores. ’cause we grew up on a farm and things like that. But, She can’t really resent me for him being my dad because he’s not my dad. So I don’t, she just has a lot of resentment towards me for many reasons.

[00:18:37] Jessica: And my mom had actually told me, and that’s the thing that confuses me too, is that my mom said that my sister was jealous because she wasn’t able to have kids and I was, and that, she was always gonna be mad at me and I should just not talk to her. That what my sister and I had got into an A fight.

[00:18:56] Jessica: I am not sure. I think it was 2016. And we got into an argument and she’s Fred’s not your dad. And when I had talked to her, when I found out she is oh, I didn’t tell you that. Is your dad. You just wanted to hear that. And I’m like, okay, that’s not something that you just make up.

[00:19:12] Jessica: So I, I wonder if my sister knew and my mom didn’t want my sister to tell me. So I, but again, it’s all speculation.

[00:19:21] Alexis: Yeah. So what are your main questions I guess, that you, that are still unanswered for you? Because it seems like there are many, what do you still want to know if you could get those answers?

[00:19:32] Jessica: I guess really ultimately just the health history. I would say that’s probably the most important. I’m pretty sure that I got my a d from my bio dad. My kids have it too, and I, my mom all with me growing up on the farm. She said that she made everything from scratch, which I remember she did.

[00:19:50] Jessica: We never had pop or anything really, so everything was, I. Even the desserts were made from scratch. Just with stuff that we had on the farm. So she said that never helped, and she would go to the doctor and just ask them why I was so just bouncing off the walls and she couldn’t, control me.

[00:20:09] Jessica: So I feel like a lot of things like that would’ve been answered had we known the truth. Now when I go to the doctor, I have to tell ’em, oh wait, all the stuff that I had in my health history is not relevant. Yeah. But like I went to my OB and I was like, yeah, I actually found out that my dad’s not my dad, so I really don’t need to worry about ovarian cancer anymore because that wasn’t my aunt that passed from that.

[00:20:34] Jessica: And when I told her, she had explained to me that she was going through the same situation. Oh my gosh. I was just, I was just completely surprised and she was very understanding and very compassionate, and so I think that was helpful, especially knowing that it can happen to anyone. It could be a doctor, it could be, anybody I.

[00:20:55] Alexis: Yeah. This kind of thing doesn’t just happen to certain kinds of people, whatever that means.

[00:20:59] Jessica: Yeah, the socioeconomic status doesn’t matter. Your race doesn’t matter. It just happens. It’s so common. And the support group on Facebook is helpful because I feel like I do go through a rollercoaster of emotions, but it helps me to read what other people are feeling and thinking, and know that I’m not alone.

[00:21:22] Alexis: What do you hope for with your journey? I know you said that your one sister isn’t really interested in establishing a relationship, and then the other one is a little bit quiet. Do you have hopes to grow any sort of relationship there?

[00:21:35] Jessica: I do have hopes to, not necessarily a super close.

[00:21:40] Jessica: I’m not trying to impose, but it is nice. I do, like I’ll message her every once in a while and I did meet her, so that was nice. We went out to a di lunch and I just, I know that she is in a position where she can’t really drive, so she spends a lot of time with her mom. So I can’t really talk to her if she’s out of respect to her and her mom, if she’s spending time with her.

[00:22:07] Jessica: That’s not really the time for me to try to plan stuff with her.

[00:22:13] Alexis: Yeah, definitely. It just seems like such a challenging situation to try to get answers, so I hope that you’re able to find some.

[00:22:19] Jessica: Thank you. Hopefully I will be able to, but if not, I know that I’ve got, I’m fortunate enough I’ve got my kids, I can try and, just teach them the importance of honesty.

[00:22:31] Jessica: I’ve got three boys, so my goal is to teach them to just treat women with respect and not do this to somebody and leave them high and dry. Yeah.

[00:22:44] Alexis: Did you tell them what happened?

[00:22:45] Jessica: I’ve told my oldest, but I haven’t told my younger two ’cause my younger two are eight and 10, but my oldest is 22. So I’ve told him because he is, at a time in his life where he can understand and I don’t think he really even caress one way or the another, the next ’cause he is, further removed from it, which is good.

[00:23:08] Jessica: I don’t want it to affect them. At the same time, I definitely give praise. To my dad that’s on my birth certificate because he did, especially with me when I was younger, he, I never would’ve known that he felt that way because he never, like verbally said anything like, you’re not my kid, or, that takes, that shows a lot from him too, so

[00:23:33] Alexis: One question I have though is what have you learned about your. You said that you haven’t gotten a ton of information from your sister, but you found some things through Google. Have you found anything interesting?

[00:23:48] Jessica: Not so much about my father, just, there’s really not much on him. It, I know that he had a brother, but other than that, I don’t really, I know that they’re both, they’ve both passed away, but other than that, I don’t really know anything. Okay. About them. So I, he actually, I think he liked horses.

[00:24:09] Jessica: Okay. But I know he bred dogs and I guess he was an insurance salesman, but he also was on the police department, so I’m not really sure. I feel like a lot of the times when I ask my sister that does talk to me, the questions are or the answers are open-ended or short. And I don’t really wanna pry because I feel like I’m lucky to get any information and if it makes her uncomfortable to give it to me, then I don’t really wanna force her to give it to me.

[00:24:36] Jessica: I don’t wanna continue to make her feel uncomfortable ’cause it’s not beneficial. I can’t really change the past like what’s happened has happened. This is the result that it is. It’s just the only difference is now I know about it.

[00:24:50] Alexis: yeah, that’s true. What advice would you give a parent who might be hiding a DNA surprise from their child

[00:24:58] Jessica: To write down, write why they did what they did so that they can give it to their child when they’re older.

[00:25:09] Jessica: When they think that, that it’s a time that they can handle it. I think

[00:25:13] Alexis: The advice of writing it down really interesting. And that’s the first time I’ve heard that. And I think that’s such good advice because it allows parents to capture the thought process and the true story and everything at that time.

[00:25:32] Alexis: Instead of relying on memory.

[00:25:34] Jessica: And to get their feelings out. Because I feel like a lot of these parents that are in denial or that, everybody says is, narcissistic or whatnot. Sometimes I’ve always been told that people will believe their own lie over time.

[00:25:50] Jessica: And I almost wonder, did my mom just start to believe it because it was so long. I found out when I was 40. That’s a long time. And Absolutely. But there’s a lot of things that happened with things that she said that I was like that’s weird. Why would you say that? For example, My middle son, my younger two boys are both mixed.

[00:26:16] Jessica: Their dad’s African American and I’m Caucasian. And when my middle son was born, he was born Caucasian. And I asked the doctor, I was like when is he gonna get his color? And my mom had taken me to that appointment. It was his first doctor’s appointment, like when he was a week old. And the doctor took his diaper off and rolled him around.

[00:26:35] Jessica: And he is ’cause he is what do you mean? I’m like his dad’s African American. And he is super pasty. He’s I don’t think he’s ever gonna get his color. And then when we were leaving the doctor, ’cause my mom had to drive me, she’s don’t ever tell, don’t ever tell, Darrell that.

[00:26:49] Jessica: And I was like why would I. What am I hiding from him? Why would I not tell him that? That’s a weird thing to say. But now when I look back at it, I’m like, did she say that for a reason? Because she knew that she had done that. Which I know I. And I’ve always said that. I’m like, you know who you sleep with, even if you regret it, I was just really surprised that she said that, and I was like why wouldn’t I tell him?

[00:27:10] Jessica: I think that’s funny that the doctor said that he is never gonna get his color.

[00:27:13] Alexis: What advice would you give someone who just had a DNA surprise, maybe just discovered that they’re an N P E?

[00:27:21] Jessica: I would say definitely counseling. Or a support group or find somebody that you can confide in and try and just, I don’t know, be calm about it.

[00:27:34] Jessica: Try not to react right away. Try to just let your head wrap around the information first.

[00:27:41] Alexis: That’s great advice. That’s great advice. Thank you so much for your time today and for sharing your story. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.