Joan’s DNA Surprise

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Episode Transcript

Transcripts are AI-generated and may not reflect the final published episodes.

[00:00:00] Joan: I feel like I got the best of both worlds because there’s some genetic things that my dad has passed on with an Alzheimer gene and things like that, that have made some difficulty and just some genetic things that have passed on from his side of the family, neurologic things that I don’t have any of and from what I have heard about my biological father, he had a really bad alcohol problem and uh, which interestingly enough, it looks like when I look at my genetics, I have the genetics for it, but I never did.

[00:00:32] Joan: And I feel like I got the best of both worlds because I feel like my dad was such a great dad.

[00:00:46] Joan: My name is Joan. I’m 75 years old and I live in Encinitas, California.

[00:00:57] Joan: I think probably in my late 50s, my brother wanted me to meet with my uncle and they said that my father was not my father. And I was a little bit floored then. You know, I was in my fifties. I wasn’t quite as Self assured as I was later, and I was a little disturbed by it, and my father was long gone, and, and my uncle said this came up during my father and mother’s divorce.

[00:01:26] Joan: So my brother decided to do DNA with me, but this is before they really had 23 and me or anything else, and I’m not sure whether they had partial something or what he was doing, but we came back as full siblings. So I went, okay, story ended, and I remember thinking, oh, my mom probably told him that to make him feel bad, or, or maybe she did that early on, who knows, I’ve always felt like odd man out,

[00:01:54] Alexis: Why did he approach you? Was it just like out of the blue that he reached out to you and wanted to do this?

[00:01:59] Joan: My uncle wanted to do it because he was probably the only person that had this information and He was pretty much terminally ill at that point and felt like he did not want to take it with him. So he told my brother, and my brother said, well, I think Joan would want to know this. So we did that, and then it was just put to rest as far as I was concerned.

[00:02:22] Joan: You know, there was no such thing. So then, 23andMe came out, and pretty early on, my sister, my younger sister said, Oh, look at this, because we’re total geeks about anything that, Anything you can geek out about, we geek out about it. So she’s going, this will be great. So she did it. You know, we’re going to find out all these health things and health issues and, she got the results and then I got a call and I was at work and I had even looked at them kind of briefly but not too thoroughly.

[00:02:54] Joan: And she goes, have you looked at our relationship? And I said, what? And she says, I don’t know. They have you as a first cousin or a half sibling. And I’m going, well, that’s wrong. You know, I’ve already gone through this. You know, that’s a complete wrong thing. I mean, I went so far as writing to 23andMe and, asking how this could happen, all kinds of things.

[00:03:21] Joan: But then I realized, no, this isn’t wrong. And then we had two or three other family members. I’m from a family of six kids, and I’m, I’m the 4th of 6th. So, it seems like, uh, any of the ones that did the DNA were all full siblings except for me.

[00:03:40] Alexis: Okay, and when was this?

[00:03:42] Joan: I was probably, you know, in 60 or so.

[00:03:46] Alexis: Okay,

[00:03:46] Joan: And so, yeah, it was about 15 years ago. It seemed pretty obvious at that point that that was what was going on. I um,

[00:03:55] Alexis: when you realized

[00:03:57] Joan: know what? I, I, I honestly, You know, I told you I’m kind of a real geek, and I felt so secure in my own skin and with my own family.

[00:04:08] Joan: See, I’ve always been an oddball in my family, but my family is kind of a bunch of oddballs, you know? So we just all, get along, we’re all very different, and it didn’t make me think one way or another. I remember thinking, hmm, Mom, you know, I wonder what you were up to. But my dad had been like a jazz musician and, you know, I think, I think things were, maybe a little bit looser than, than some, uh, but nothing we ever would have known about or suspected, you know, I mean, we had a, a stable family unit.

[00:04:43] Joan: But my mom had passed, so there was nobody to ask I asked the only remainders. that part of the family that might know anything was my mother’s sister. And they never got along, and her response was, Well, that doesn’t surprise me that floozy. So, I went, Okay. I said, I was looking for a little more information.

[00:05:08] Joan: But she was, they had a real good relationship. Not, not a real close relationship. They were real competitive on certain things. So, so that did not surprise me that much. I remember she said, she said, your mother could have gotten a PhD in flirting.

[00:05:25] Alexis: my gosh. Okay, so no answers there. Ha ha ha.

[00:05:29] Joan: yeah, no answers came from her.

[00:05:32] Joan: So there just really weren’t any. So I started first with 23andMe. And I mean, I was just going through. They did not have a whole lot of information at the time, the amount of what I was going through, trying to figure out which side people would be related from. Things that are easier now were not accessible then.

[00:05:50] Joan: So I was comparing things with my other siblings, like if they didn’t show up with them, maybe. It was from my father’s side, and then I would look for similarities. And I did finally get somebody that was a I think it was, Second cousin once removed or something, and so we started trying to figure things out from there.

[00:06:12] Joan: And she was actually a geneticist, so it was kind of handy. She, oh, she just loved it, you know, and she was trying, she got her dad to do DNA and,

[00:06:22] Alexis: Well, that’s, that’s pretty lucky to match with a geneticist, right?

[00:06:26] Alexis: Yeah. Oh.

[00:06:33] Joan: didn’t have a whole lot of time to work on it.

[00:06:34] Joan: It was just kind of a curiosity for a while. And then my my younger sister said, Get on Ancestry, because, uh, You know, 23andMe, there are a lot of people you might be contacting that aren’t really into Ancestry. They were here for health. So I got on Ancestry and I just started doing these endless trying to figure out who was related and where. And just went all the way into it, and finally I got an answer, I don’t know, after probably a couple years of trying, from somebody that was I think they had her as a second cousin, but I think she was a first cousin once removed in, in real life.

[00:07:14] Joan: And she said, well, I can get you in touch with my mom. She does all this kind of stuff, and she’s been off to Ireland to do this. And why don’t you write her? So I wrote her, and I said, I’m not sure exactly which family I’m related to, but I’m narrowing it down, and I think it’s there.

[00:07:33] Joan: And I’d gone through family members that I didn’t think it could be, you know, and And, uh, she goes, Well, it could be Uncle Jimmy. It sounds like Uncle Jimmy. So I went, Okay, I’ve got a name here. I’ve got some information. I should go a little bit farther back that when my parents were divorced, they were going through this giant fight.

[00:07:58] Joan: And my parents didn’t, ever really fight like that or anything. But it was the night whatever hit the fan, and this was a giant fight. My dad was having an affair. And, he said something about, do you think I didn’t know about that state trooper? I was like or 15 at the time going. What’s that about? And my mom was saying something like, Well, if you knew about that, why didn’t you say something? It was just a horrendous fight. Really bad. I kept that in my head somewhere. So, I don’t know. As this woman was going, well, it sounds like, you know, I said, did he happen to be a state trooper?

[00:08:40] Joan: And she said, yes, he was a state trooper.

[00:08:44] Alexis: Oh my

[00:08:44] Alexis: gosh, and,

[00:08:45] Alexis: how old were you when your parents divorced?

[00:08:48] Joan: like 15.

[00:08:50] Joan: That was information from 60 years ago that, was significant to me at the time.

[00:08:56] Joan: Don’t ask me why and I never even really thought about it again until you know I started looking at these things and I you know, it was like state trooper So then it was like, okay, this guy is in the right place at the right time The genetics look like it’s leading to him now.

[00:09:13] Joan: What I need to do is Find out more. Well, she told me that he had two daughters And she told me what she thought were their names, but she had not seen them since they were babies, and that he had been divorced from their mother, and he kind of lost track of the family. So I had two first names and his last name, and first I was looking all over New York trying to find these people.

[00:09:41] Joan: There was no DNA on them anywhere, I looked all the bases, there was nothing that was like that. So, I started looking, through uh, through newspaper ads and all kinds of things and she said, I think they moved to Florida. So once I got out looking in New York and went to Florida, I started going through newspaper ads, anything with these names, and I found out The, my dad and his wife had a business there, and then I found something, an ad in the newspaper from a teenage girl, named the same name as what my sister’s name would have been.

[00:10:21] Joan: And the location, and uh, and then a little bit later, a notice of her going off to college in whatever college she was going to. And then I went into, you know, college yearbooks and all this kind of stuff, found something and then it flipped me into her, younger sister, who had kept her maiden name in the middle and her married name, so I knew this was the person.

[00:10:51] Joan: I also, during the course of everything, had looked up his ex wife and saw that she had died in Arizona, and whereabouts she was in Arizona, and this girl lived in Arizona. So I, and I went, maybe she has a Facebook page. She did. So I messaged her and said, Are your parents, you know, this person, your mother and father?

[00:11:14] Joan: And if the answer is yes, I’ll let you know why. If you, if the answer is yes and you don’t know want, want to know why, that’s okay too. I won’t bother you at all. And She said, I got an answer back like the next morning. Yes, and I want to know why. So we, we got in touch and then, She, she was not as communicative as her older sister was, who was really talkative and we really got into it and just, you know, just hit it off great.

[00:11:49] Joan: And meanwhile, my whole family was pulling for me. They’re going like, Oh, this is so exciting.

[00:11:54] Alexis: Like your, your, your siblings

[00:11:56] Alexis: were?

[00:11:57] Joan: Yeah, my, my siblings, my sisters were going, Oh, we can have a big sister day with two more sisters and bring them in. So, It really was it was kind of easy.

[00:12:08] Joan: And I think I wanted to talk to you because, I know it’s not easy for some, for a lot of people. And because It was such a pleasant experience for me within my own family. And I did meet them, and we get along great. And, you know, we like to spend more time together, but it’s kind of like I’m busy with my own family.

[00:12:30] Joan: And, you know, they’re in different places. My newfound niece went off and visited my daughter in Spain and stayed with her and they got along like they were long lost sisters and it’s just it’s been overall just a really positive experience. I think if I had found out maybe 10 years sooner, it would have kind of shaken me, my core a little more, but I was so kind of.

[00:12:56] Joan: set and sure of my relationships in my own family. There was nothing to be shaken. You know, it was, uh, there were a few things. My my kids are all musicians and we always thought that came from their grandpa, you know, my dad, who was a musician. And then they found out, Oh, genetically, they aren’t even related to him.

[00:13:15] Joan: You know, so, so,

[00:13:18] Alexis: That’s so interesting. And, and, you know, I’ve spoken to people who found out in their sixties and it was still really tough for them. But you said you, you always felt kind of different. When your brother first approached you with the potential, with this idea that you were half siblings, you seemed to kind of have even took it in stride then.

[00:13:44] Alexis: Were you upset at first at the thought?

[00:13:46] Joan: yeah, I think, I think I was. Because I can remember looking at myself in the mirror going, well, my mouth looks kind of like his, you know, and looking at pictures going, no, I think that must be wrong. I really wanted it to be wrong. And I did have, I would say maybe a day when I absolutely knew for sure where there was a certain, Oh, you know what?

[00:14:08] Joan: I’m like an only child. This man may have other children, My mom had other children, but I’m the only one that’s this combination. And, and there was a little bit of, of isolating feeling like, Like genetic isolation, but not that I didn’t feel like parts, part of the family or, or that that

[00:14:28] Alexis: Yeah.

[00:14:29] Joan: was, uh, anything, and I, I’m kind of a really curious person, so it almost when, I mean it took me 10 years to get through all this and find,

[00:14:40] Alexis: That’s, that’s what I was

[00:14:41] Joan: I worked on it for 10

[00:14:42] Alexis: Yeah, what, how are you feeling? for 10 years trying to figure this out. And I’m not trying to make this a negative experience for you at all. I’m just curious, like, what were your emotions as you’re navigating 10 years of, okay, I, I know this much is true, but I can’t find the answer and you’re still searching.

[00:15:05] Alexis: What was that like? No,

[00:15:09] Joan: know, this is probably going to make me sound like a little bit of an oddball, but the challenge was exhilarating, it was like a puzzle that, you know, I would work on it for a while. And I would get on a run, and then it was like it went nowhere, and I’d go, okay,

[00:15:25] Joan: and then it was like, okay, time to get back to this. Let’s see if there’s something else that’s popped up. You know, and I always was looking at ancestry and, always writing little things. Maybe I had, maybe I was a little bit emotionally detached and thinking of it as more of an adventure and an investigation than, than then the actual what I was doing, but, when I talked, I talked to, uh, one of my half sisters and we, we talked frequently and it was just like, we just hit it off just like that.

[00:15:56] Joan: And then she said, well, there’s a cousin, that’s, I guess she was still in New York or somewhere back east and, and this was before. We even had the genetics done. I had genetics done. Test sent to them to be to make sure because I was thinking maybe there’s some Unknown brother in that family that they don’t know, maybe it wasn’t this guy and you know There’s another state trooper out there somewhere then It’s this.

[00:16:22] Joan: But anyway, when when I talked to this other person who would have been my cousin, we talked for a little while. At first, she was like, maybe the first two or three minutes, she was a little standoffish. Then we started talking, and we just had the same sense of humor

[00:16:35] Joan: and I said, well, I was a little, I was a little apprehensive about asking. You know, them for genetic tests and, and she goes, Oh, don’t be she goes, but you don’t need it. I can tell you remember this family.

[00:16:47] Alexis: How did she know?

[00:16:48] Joan: She said just, just the way we communicated was just so easy, you know, and she goes, you’re, you’re part of the family. I can tell.

[00:16:58] Alexis: Well, it’s so wonderful, so it sounds like your family really just grew from this, and now you have more people in your life, and that’s beautiful.

[00:17:06] Joan: yeah, it, it really has worked out well for me. I have not had as much time because I do have kind of a large family and we’re all getting older, things have popped up that have, take my time, that have kept me away from investigating more I had a trip planned, and then, you know, that had to be cancelled.

[00:17:27] Joan: And, as I say, they’re in Arizona, and there’s no way I’ll go there during the summer. I, you

[00:17:33] Alexis: so you

[00:17:34] Alexis: definitely don’t.

[00:17:35] Joan: Is that where you are? I, I am not, I, I was saying to my daughter, I, you know, cause I got to find out I was half Irish. And I said, no wonder, you know,

[00:17:47] Alexis: What did you think you were before?

[00:17:49] Joan: Uh, English, Dutch, German English, Dutch, mostly English, Dutch, and German, all European. But maybe a tiny little bit of Irish, but I’m like half Irish and, My family took a lot of pride in my, my father’s, their father’s family, uh, family, you know, came over and they’re founding and, you know, we’re kind of Puritans and I was going like, that so doesn’t fit with the way, you know, that just doesn’t.

[00:18:18] Joan: So when I found out, you know, I was more rowdy Irish stock. Yeah, that, that, uh, that feels a little

[00:18:27] Alexis: Yeah, when you were younger and you felt like you didn’t fit in, was it kind of just one of those, Yeah. Like funny things of like, I’m just different from my family or was it something that came up for you a lot? Do

[00:18:44] Joan: you know, I was, I was actually quieter and a little more uh, shy. And, you know, I guess I really did not look like them, but I never thought about that. It was kind of a joke with the family that I was the milkman. And they’d say it to my mom and stuff all the time.

[00:19:01] Joan: But I also was my, I was the mother’s favorite, you know? I was really a quiet, complacent child so I probably made it really easy on her and that made it little easier. My, my brothers and sisters are kind of rowdy.

[00:19:15] Alexis: Okay. Do you think that your mom knew?

[00:19:18] Joan: I don’t know, and I will never know. You know, she must have suspected it’s funny because my mom is not, well, at least we didn’t know that she had the ability to keep a secret because she was quite outspoken about everything. And you know, so it was like, everybody, who knew mom could keep a secret?

[00:19:40] Joan: It was like, who knew this?

[00:19:42] Joan: So whether You know, she knew it was a possibility and she just put it out of her mind whether she knew all along it sounds like she eventually must have said something to my dad maybe during the divorce,

[00:19:57] Alexis: And how was your relationship with your dad? Did you feel like he treated you differently or anything?

[00:20:03] Joan: Oh, no, not at all. Not at all. He died when I was young, when I was like 20, 22 or 23, but I just idolized him and

[00:20:13] Alexis: That’s

[00:20:13] Joan: um, I don’t think I ever got, uh, treated any differently at all, you know, so.

[00:20:20] Alexis: Yeah. What else have you been able to learn about your biological father?

[00:20:24] Joan: Well, I could not learn a whole lot from my new sisters because it’s kind of odd some of the things I’ve learned, like he stayed married for quite a while to their mother, but I think he was he was He was really good looking, I have to say. He was a very good looking man, and he was a big partier and a drinker, and I think that they spent very little of their time actually married in the same place, and, one of my sisters told me, you know, they lived in Florida and they had been told that he had to stay in New York to get some kind of disability from an accident he was in. But then they found out he really just lived a few blocks away. She just didn’t have anything to do with him. So, I think, uh, I think she was strong willed and and she just wasn’t going to put up with his, But what I found out from, you know, the cousins and things is he was, everybody loved him.

[00:21:24] Joan: He had a great personality, he was outgoing and friendly, maybe because he was a drinker, I don’t know. I became a nurse, and I’m very proud of him. And he was a medic in the, in the Marines and also ended up, uh, you know, from what I’ve heard, taking care of a lot of the family going and taking care of people that were, sick or something in the family as they got older.

 But personally, the daughters seemed. Particularly one of them, very turned off by the disappointment in his drinking. I feel like I was really lucky to be spared you know,

[00:22:00] Alexis: absolutely. I mean, we hear from people who have had these DNA surprises and the what ifs definitely can play right where sometimes we think the grass could have been greener, you know, if we’d been raised with our biological fathers, but for you, it sounds like it was really great that you were raised by the dad you were raised

[00:22:21] Alexis: with.

[00:22:21] Joan: My parents did have a pretty rocky divorce and it became a little difficult during my teen years. But my brothers and sisters are all tightly bonded. And even with that, you know, my mom never said a word.

[00:22:34] Joan: bad word about my dad. I feel like I just, I got the best of both worlds, I hope I have time to spend more time with my sisters. I met my niece, and I don’t know if she’s still here or not. My newfound niece actually moved, near where I live.

[00:22:48] Joan: And we met for, you know, one time, I don’t know what it is. We all seem to have the same sense of humor. And little gift of gab and,

[00:22:57] Alexis: I love

[00:22:58] Joan: you know,

[00:22:58] Joan: As I say, it was, it was a puzzle to solve and, and I solved it.

[00:23:04] Joan: Uh, you know, but the end, I, I don’t think I’ve gotten the, as much of the rewards of the end as I will, because I think those relationships are still budding. I haven’t met some of my other nieces but

[00:23:18] Alexis: Yeah,

[00:23:19] Alexis: One bit of insight you gave with your mom is you were surprised that she could keep such a secret for so long if, if she was, right? Well, she kept the secret, I guess, about the affair, but she did not, perhaps didn’t know that you were his child. Has this experience given you a new perspective on your mom or changed your feelings about your mom in any way?

[00:23:44] Joan: I’ve had a lot of things that have changed my

[00:23:47] Joan: feelings about my mother, but Not in a negative way, I think more in a positive way as I’ve gotten older and realized she had six children and, although I adored my dad and we thought of him as the stability of the family, I’m not sure he was the best husband in the world.

[00:24:05] Joan: I think he he was very much into playing his music, working during the day, playing the music at night, a little bit disappointed at not having the life you wanted to have, I just, I think of her life, you know, she grew up in the Depression.

[00:24:19] Joan: She was, she’s like a little firecracker hummingbird of a girl, you know, lots of energy and spunk, she said what she thought she, you know, so, so as a young child, it was like, oh, this is, you know, oh my God, don’t, don’t let her to a PTA meeting, you know, don’t, you know, like, she was not gonna, bake cookies and be the normal, stereotypical mom.

[00:24:42] Joan: But when I, when I think of certain things about her that I’ve learned to appreciate as I’ve gotten older and realizing the challenges she had and what she did with them and what she didn’t do with them more than what she did with them, like, Oh, that could have gone so wrong. And she ended up after divorcing my dad, marrying just this wonderful, I feel like I’ve got a blessed life, honestly, this wonderful man,

[00:25:10] Joan: and he was. Much younger than she was, and he is still alive. And he’s like the treasure of the family. You know, he’s just the best thing ever. So he was more of the grandfather to my children growing up than my dad was because he died when I was so young. But, ,it isn’t that life hasn’t had its challenges for sure.

[00:25:28] Joan: You know, I’ve had, Bad marriages and you know all that kind of stuff, but I do feel like the DNA surprise was not one of them

[00:25:37] Alexis: Yeah. And I mean, I think it’s beautiful that it’s been a positive experience for you. I know you touched on this, that you looked at it as a puzzle, but honestly, how are you able to maintain patience? for solving this mystery.

[00:25:56] Joan: Well, you know, I had a lot of other things I had to do, I was working, I had other things. It was frustrating sometimes. I would get very frustrated when I would find a lead and then not hear back from somebody, you know, and have to go in a different direction. And I did get frustrated with the idea that maybe I never would find out and, that was a little upsetting, because I really did want to find this out. But, to be honest, there’s not a disappointment in what I found out. But the idea that the puzzle was over with, it was almost like it was almost like Christmas morning. Oh, I loved all the gifts I got, but the anticipation, and peeking under the tree was, you know, So much, uh, it was even more exciting.

[00:26:44] Joan: So,

[00:26:45] Alexis: Yeah, that, that’s really, that’s so cool. I mean,

[00:26:48] Joan: I

[00:26:48] Alexis: had, you have such a positive outlook on this experience, and it sounds like you’ve had a lot of silver linings to this. What’s the best part of your

[00:26:59] Alexis: DNA surprise?

[00:27:01] Joan: I think the best part’s yet to come, you know, because I have, uh, I have new relationships that are budding. I have New Adventures Ahead, when I met my sisters, we met at a restaurant, a Mexican restaurant down by me, and we went in at a normal dinner time, and finally, the place was closing and we had never ordered. So, we just were not done. So the next night my daughter came with me. My daughter and I went down to their place and we just watched TV and laughed and ate and joked around and stuff. And so, my niece said, you know, maybe, maybe we can do part two in Europe, you know, because my daughter lives between Spain and England.

[00:27:43] Joan: You know, it’s like, yeah, maybe we can all take a trip or something and do something fun like that. But I still have a couple of other nieces I haven’t met. And a nephew.

[00:27:53] Joan: I was kind of delighted to find out I was part Irish, or half Irish, that somehow that seemed to, to fit me more maybe because I like green places and seashore. And, uh. And I don’t like the heat or being out in the desert, but, it maybe would have been more reassuring to have somebody that wasn’t so troubled.

[00:28:18] Joan: You know, that I, that I had a little bit more of a, maybe found a little bit more of who he was he did remarry. And I think his wife had gotten Alzheimer’s and my one sister went to be with him when near the end of his life.

[00:28:32] Joan: But I, I don’t really have a complete picture of who he is. And what I have is not. that pleasant, I mean it was enough that I was kind of grateful he didn’t raise me,

[00:28:47] Alexis: so, kind of touching on the fact that you maybe don’t have all of the information about him and, you know, trying to kind of paint a picture of who he was, maybe never fully understanding what the nature of the relationship was between your mom and him and kind of what was all going on around that.

[00:29:08] Alexis: How have you made peace, or have you made peace, with

[00:29:12] Alexis: not having all of the answers?

[00:29:14] Joan: yeah, I don’t know if I’ve, if I’ve completely made peace with that. Actually, hearing that you think I didn’t know about the state trooper at least makes me think maybe it was an affair and not a one night stand. But, I don’t even know that for sure. Maybe it was some one night stand that somebody knew about and told him.

[00:29:34] Joan: I don’t have peace in that. I wish there was somebody, that could come along, and say, oh, yeah, or some pictures would show up, but, that I’ve not really made peace with. I would like to know if they actually had some kind of a relationship.

[00:29:48] Joan: If they did, I I think quite obviously my mother knew to, stick with what she had, and not give up her family and the security and, you know, the good father for more security. So, maybe he was you know, kind of like a father figure. a lifetime boyfriend to keep her, you know, feel like she was a little bit more because my dad was gone.

[00:30:14] Joan: I don’t know, but I wish I knew. I wish I knew. I wish I had some history there, and I don’t think it’s coming from anywhere. You know, as I say, everybody’s been gone for quite a long time, and unless some pictures or something pop up magically, I don’t think I’ll ever have an answer to any of that.

[00:30:33] Alexis: Yeah, that’s something so many of us have to make peace with is even if we might, even though some people get a pretty big picture of what happened, there’s like always some nugget or just some detail that it’s like, Oh, I wish I knew what that was.

[00:30:48] Joan: I do find that I always, and I don’t know if it’s out of habit, you know, I’ll look at long lost family things and stuff because I want to see people find their, solution and get their, their questions answered like I vicariously, Enjoy that, you

[00:31:05] Joan: know, like, um,

[00:31:07] Joan: but I don’t think that’s going to happen for me, but that’s you know, overall there’s a lot of things we never know about in our life,

[00:31:14] Alexis: it’s

[00:31:14] Alexis: true. You know, it’s really nice to hear someone have an overall positive experience. One of my goals kind of as I’m moving forward with the podcast is to show that range of reaction and while it can be really difficult for some people, it’s not for others and that’s okay.

[00:31:37] Alexis: So I appreciate you

[00:31:38] Alexis: sharing this.

[00:31:40] Joan: Yeah,

[00:31:40] Joan: I have heard you say that, and, you know, as I say for a while, I’ve, going, this is not the way I feel about it. And that’s actually why I wanted to contribute, because it was like, okay, I think this is a different experience for me. I think some of it is, you know, the family dynamics I had Actually, the one sister said She had prayed for a new friend and she’s kind of religious and she goes, and then I popped up, like it was an answer to a prayer cause it had only been the two of them, and they didn’t have, as big of a, family situation as I did, and so I think they were just very welcoming.

 I guess we’ll see, see where it goes from

[00:32:18] Alexis: exactly. I’m very interested in your perspective because it has been so wonderful for you. What advice do you have for a parent who may be knowingly keeping a DNA surprise from their child?

[00:32:32] Joan: I

[00:32:32] Joan: would advise against it, I mean, waiting to the right age, maybe. And, uh, or even, even if it’s something written in a will after they’re gone if they don’t want to face it. Because I think as I said, I would not, even though I found this for the DNA and find, found things.

[00:32:52] Joan: There’s a certain things like, I would love to have asked her, did you actually have a relationship with this person? Those types of things that will always kind of, you know, I’ll keep with me. I think knowingly it’s pretty dishonest. And as I say, I don’t know if my mother knowingly did it.

[00:33:09] Joan: She had to. Knowingly know it was a possibility and then the fact that I was kind of the oddball in the family and looked a little different than everybody else and all those things. She may have been in denial, but I think she, she had to have known there was a possibility.

[00:33:26] Alexis: What advice do you have for someone who has just uncovered a DNA surprise?

[00:33:32] Joan: well, you might need to be very patient if you really want to find out, I feel like. I was fortunate, but I think you have to really take a look at yourself and know what you’re ready to find out. Know that it could be a disappointment not put too many expectations on the end product.

[00:33:54] Joan: I think I was kind of fortunate that I I enjoyed the process, and then the end was like just a good surprise, I think you have to be pretty honest with yourself about what you’re expecting out of it.

[00:34:09] Alexis: Yeah, that’s really good advice. Joan, thank you so much for coming on

[00:34:13] Alexis: the

[00:34:13] Alexis: podcast.

[00:34:15] Alexis: I just really appreciate you coming on and sharing this different perspective, one that we don’t often hear, but is just as valid.

[00:34:23] Alexis: And I wish you so much positivity moving forward as you continue building your relationships.

[00:34:30] Joan: Thank you so much.