Yvette shares a story of intergenerational secrets that she unearthed after discovering her DNA surprise in December 2020.
She learns that not only is she an NPE, but so is her biological father. Yvette also shares what it’s like to realize that she has a very different ethnic background than she previously believed.
In addition to sharing the range of emotions she’s felt during her NPE journey, Yvette talks about ways that she’s connected with her birth father and ethnic background even after his death.
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Episode Transcript
Transcripts are AI-generated and may not reflect the final episode.
[00:00:00] Yvette: End of the day, it all makes sense because I just get these little moments where these going. Oh my gosh. I just remember as a little girl and their, my parents’ friends would always exclaim, how different do the girls look? How exotic looking? Is it that, are you sure her father’s not a real, her real father.
It would come up in conversation again and again. I dunno how my mom held it together all those years.
[00:01:58] Yvette: My name is Yvette. I’m 36 years old and I’m from Sydney, Australia.
[00:02:07] Alexis: Can you tell us a bit about your DNA surprise story?
[00:02:12] Yvette: Where do I begin? I’ll start off with, I’ve been, for a while I was talking to my husband about getting a DNA test and I started bugging him a little bit more mid last year.
I’ve always wanted to know, why my mother’s father is really dark. He’s Croatian, and as we generally know, Croatians are known to be quite fair, blonde hair, blue eyes. But his family and himself, they’re from one of the islands off Croatia, and they’re very dark, so he.
Really dark olive skin, like really like tan skin. And a lot of, some of my aunties and uncles, they, they almost look Indian, just, they look very different to what a Croatian looks like generally. And growing up, I always look different to my family. So my dad, he’s British, so Scottish and English descent.
My mother is Croatian and they’re very fair and I, when I started getting into my late. Like primary school, early teens, I noticed every time I’d go out in the sun, I’d just tan. Like I really get that Mediterranean tan. And my sisters, my younger sisters, they’re very fair. Blue eyes, fair skin, and they can’t tan at all.
If they go in the sun, they start burning within 10 minutes. Me, I just start going browner and browner, and I just started asking the questions like, why? Why? Why do I tan and why can’t my sisters and my mom would just always pass it off going, oh, you. Grandfather, you’ve got his complexion. And then I just remembered in school, in science learning the recessive and dominating gene.
Remember that in, in science. And I’d literally lay out my grandparents and it’s so two of my grandparents have blue eyes from my dad’s side. My grandmother has green eyes and my grandfather has brown eyes. And my mom’s got hazel eyes. Dad has crystal blue eyes. How the hell did I get, brown eyes And my hair’s very dark.
It used to be like a strawberry blonde as a, when I was about two, but I quickly went to a medium brown. And then my hair that naturally is almost black. So all these questions just kind just started arising as a little girl and I.
Being people would mistake me for being aboriginal or south American. I always got that. Just went because I was very tan, like always at the beach, always in the sun, always outdoors.
[00:05:16] Alexis: What did you say when people would ask you those questions?
[00:05:18] Yvette: Oh, but my dad’s British and my mom’s Croatian and they look at me going, Okay.
They’d get really confused. Yeah. And that happened throughout school. Even my boyfriends would, they would all have a complex, just what is going on? This girl has an Anglo maiden name, and with and she just looks very different to her family. And And then we had a little boy and he’s just absolutely gorgeous, but we look nothing like my dad. And you know what they say? Girls always look like their fathers and boys look like their my son looks like me and he looks like my husband as well, but nothing like my dad. And I actually asked my mother a few years ago, is my dad my real dad?
And she denied it.
[00:06:18] Alexis: So you suspected it before you took test?
[00:06:20] Yvette: Yeah. So then I trusted her and I thought, okay, so I took, still took the n a test because I thought I really grandfather suspicion of Turkish. Know, just those kind of suspicion because of that region and what history has told us.
My husband got his test first. And he’s all added up really nicely. Greek with a bit of middle Eastern ’cause he’s quite dark looking for a Greek. And so he was really excited about that. And then I got my results
Basic majority of it was Croatian the 40, 40 something percent. And I thought, oh yeah, that’s obvious. And then I had about, I had a bit of German and I thought, oh, that must be from a bit from maybe a great grandfather from the Balkan region and maybe my dad because Blue Fair, European.
Maybe there’s maybe there’s a bit of slab or something. But from the Croatian side, and then I saw 19% Sicilian and I went, Sicilian where? What’s this Sicilian from? And I, thought’s from my grandfather. And then I tried to scroll down to see how much British I had, where’s the Scott? Where’s the English?
And I just looked at my husband. I don’t, I dunno what’s going on. Where’s the Scottish and British? And he goes, look, maybe let’s have a look at your matches and see. And my I and a part of me just died. Like I recognized all these Croatian matches, but my top matches were these Italian last names. And. I just died.
I just went, who are these people? What are they doing on my list? I thought maybe there’s a mistake.
[00:08:38] Alexis: That’s what I was just gonna ask is did you think there was a mistake? Because that was, that’s what I did.
[00:08:44] Yvette: I was like this, yes, there must be a mix up somehow. Oh, I thought I got rotted by this test thinking, oh, something’s happened and maybe it’s got mixed up.
But then I thought, no, but I see cousins from mothers side that have taken.
And so I messaged my mom going, there’s something not right.
And so I texted her and then I rung my dad and I said, dad, do you have German and Sicilian? Yeah. And he went quiet. He went quiet and he said, no. He goes, I’m British. I’m like, dad’s English, my mom’s Scottish. And he goes, I’m gonna go and check the family tree over the weekend and I’ll get back to you. And I said, are you sure there’s like something in the family that’s something that I absorbed more?
I just thought it has to be that. And he came back to me and he said, Yvette, no, this isn’t right. And so we took a paternity test and yeah, he wasn’t my father. Crumbled and I went into this deep depression ’cause my mom didn’t get back to me, so I thought maybe she’s contacting my my, my real father.
Yeah. And I thought, oh, maybe he’s gonna come to my place on Christmas Day and go, Hey, I’m your dad. Yes. And he didn’t come. And then she came over just after New Year’s Day and told me everything. I like as in who my biological father was. So it turns out when around the time I was conceived, she was dating someone from her work, a man twice her age and.
She fell pregnant with him and then she pawned it off to my dad ’cause she was dating him as well. Oh, wow. And they got married very quickly.
[00:11:02] Alexis: Now did your dad know or did he?
[00:11:07] Yvette: She told him the day before she saw me. She sort went to see, he didn’t, he had no idea. Didn’t know growing up, he didn’t know.
[00:11:14] Alexis: Okay.
[00:11:16] Yvette: He had no idea. He had no. And did she know? She knew. Okay. She knew. She knew. She knew. And there’s a lot of things that I’ve.
I wasn’t a mistake. So it wasn’t just a one night stand or I, and my suspicions were that for a while, that I think she got herself purposely pregnant and it just aligned really well with. My dad in the picture and just said, oh, this is your daughter. Wow. So it’s, but it’s it turns out my biological father passed away almost 14 years ago, and I’ve got four older siblings that he had with his first wife, and I think the most heartbreaking part is, My older sister has, and I think my siblings, other siblings have known, they’ve known about me for the last 15 years.
[00:12:26] Alexis: Oh, so he knew your biological father knew?
[00:12:28] Yvette: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Okay. I, so I actually, when I was 18, At this shop and hi.
I remember this man with a, he was very tall, like six, three or four, and he had a big nose and a very like a Austrian or German accent. And then he left. So look, I’ve gotta go back to work. I’m finished my shift, I’m in my break. And I went back into work and I rung mom after my shift going, who?
Who’s Peter? Like, why did you, why are you telling him where I work? Why are you telling your friends where I work? And she did this nervous laugh. That was my biological father.
[00:13:30] Alexis: So you did meet him
[00:13:32] Yvette: But I didn’t know. And I’m so heartbroken and tormented by that because my oldest sister has sent me photos of him and I look exactly like him.
I look exactly like him. Like I’ve gotta just, and I look like his mother and I. What did my say and do over the years to stop us from knowing each other. Was it some. I just don’t know and I’ll never know because I don’t talk to her anymore and I just don’t understand like how she could have been so cruel, especially when I was asking, because We’re always taught growing up to never lie.
And if you lie, you get punished, right? And here’s my mom. She told me the biggest lie, and what really broke my heart the most is that her mom, my grandma, knew. As well. And her mom was like a mom to me, and I was just so heartbroken. And I did try and confront her and she denied it. And it’s just broken that family now because they can’t hold accountability for what’s happened.
But it’s been such big journey.
[00:15:06] Alexis: Oh, my heart is hurting for you. And also I. I so relate to so many things that you’re saying because that’s the same thing happened to me. Most of my extended family knew. And I did not. Oh my gosh. So that feeling of betrayal, oh my gosh. Extends so much further and it’s such aal.
Yvette: It’s crushing, isn’t it? It really is. It’s so crushing. Ugh.
Alexis: So I feel for you. I so feel for you. So are your parents that raised you, are they still married or
[00:15:40] Yvette: No. So they divorced when I. That’s, I guess where she could have said something after, like it’s just, and I even found out after this surprise, DNA test, my husband actually asked my mother as well he said, are you sure that’s dad’s not your real not her real dad.
Like they don’t look alike. And of course she went all quiet and tried to deflect. And so it’s been very heartbreaking at, but then it’s it turns out my, my, my biological father he was born in Vienna in Austria, and his mother so she’s actually part Czech and part Jewish. Okay. And my grandfather, so her, his father was Sicilian.
So
[00:16:41] Alexis: that’s where the Sicilian comes from?
[00:16:44] Yvette: Yes. And even more, Trauma. He did not know his father. He, his parents. My grandparents had a fling in World War ii and he never knew I think he came to Vienna to visit the city, met my grandma. They must have had a bit of a, world War II fling which was very common back then.
And, the Sicilian came from, and so I thought, you know what? This is intergenerational trauma here for me with a repeat of history. So to help me just get through the pain and the grief, I actually started looking for my grandfather. Oh
[00:17:36] Alexis: Wow. And were you able to find him?
[00:17:39] Yvette: Yes. We’re now in the, in the final stages of confirming who he like, like just to, put the icing on the cake.
Yeah. So that’s been amazing. How did you find him? I got a search angel in a Sicilian genealogy group. Amazing. I was ready to pay for a genealogist and the admin, she said, no, I don’t, someone.
I, she, this woman is like literally an earth angel and she’s so black and white and just said, look, let’s just break it down and let’s see what you have. And then she found him and he passed away years ago. My grandfather, he passed away before I was born okay. I know my lineage and I guess what has been really helpful for me is I’m in contact with some cousins from the Sicilian side who have been so amazing, and I think for me, that has what’s been amazing is the stories because my.
Family, the Sicilian FA family, a majority of them moved to America during the diaspora in the late 18 hundreds, early 19 hundreds. So hearing the stories of my great grandparents working in the cotton fields in New Orleans to. Some of my cousins in Buffalo getting into the Mafia. All these stories just shape us who we’re, because I know they got a bit of grief in America for who they were being.
Yes. Sicilian and it just reminded me of me growing up and feeling different and not fitting in for how I relatives. Probably more so on the Croatian side and now my paternal mother’s side. Like I just see so much resemblance. But I guess it’s just all these stories and then even the stories of my father growing up, even after World War ii, just the poverty. The fear of. They could have been taken to one of the camps at any given time.
So it’s just been phenomenal in that sense. Just understanding who I am and my lineage. And I think one of the biggest thing was I connected with a cousin. And we’ve really connected and she actually had a surprise DNA test with a very similar story to me. Didn’t know she was Sicilian, her father passed away years ago.
We actually look similar as well. It’s just so crazy.
[00:20:39] Alexis: It’s just wild how common this is. It is so common. Even within your family?
[00:20:45] Yvette: Yeah, in the family. And it’s just really, I think it’s just been I’m not the only one in the family that has gone through this. So it is just been, it’s been really good in that kind of sense of as horrible as it is to go through it, like that whole experience. But I guess just knowing that they’re like, we’re not a perfect family. And there’s the secrets and the lies.
And I did feel like when I was embarked on the journey of finding my grandfather, I had a feeling I was gonna unravel more. And I did. And I did. And, but it’s, I’m just so glad I have because it’s just so healing. And I guess coming from especially. Up Balkan, like I never identified with British at all.
I could never connect with it. I swear I felt whispers as a little girl when we’d at be at family gatherings like, this is not your family, you don’t belong here. But with my Croatian side, I felt home. I was brought up by my grandparents, but they really taught me a lot of the values of family and how important family is.
And I. I really held close to my heart whilst doing all the genealogy stuff this year, and it just really helped me distract me from the pain. Yeah, it’s just even to this day, I still go to my husband. I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe I’m mixed race. All these years I thought I was white and I’m not.
I feel like I’ve just got. The best of the Mediterranean and then some in Europe. And it’s just been such a wild ride just to understand it all. Yeah, it’s,
[00:22:59] Alexis: I think, we’re about the same age, so I think you spend your whole life believing something and then you just have to retrain your brain to accept another truth much.
And for me it’s the same every now and then I just look around and I’m like, is this real? Did this really happen? No. And then you have to go through the acceptance process all over again.
[00:23:24] Yvette: Oh, absolutely. So much learning and unlearning. And I’ve been in touch with my older sister.
She’s been amazing because I actually found my biological father’s obituary online. And reached out to her, and then she wrote back to me and she said, whatever questions you have, Ask me and, ’cause I was so apprehensive is this like even for real? Yeah. I got four older siblings out there.
[00:23:57] Alexis: Yeah. So I wanna ask you about that. So you found out in December of 2020 amidst lockdown, the pandemic, the height of everything globally. Have you connected with your other, the four older siblings?
[00:24:12] Yvette: Only just my older sister. So yeah, we were emailing back and forth a lot, and then we have spoken in August and then we FaceTimed in September.
We looked similar. I look a bit like my, both of my sisters we’ve both got a very similar face structure from our biological father, but my brothers, they look more like their mom. But yeah, I’m sure like, It’s gonna take time. ’cause I’m still getting my head around it that I’ve got four older siblings and I’ve got a ton of nieces and nephews.
It’s, yeah.
[00:24:57] Alexis: What did they know about you? You said that they’d known about you for 15 years. What did they know?
[00:25:01] Yvette: I. So my older sister reached out to our father, biologic, my biological father, about a, was it a year or so? Like when he was dying? ’cause he died of lung cancer. Okay. She just asked him, is there any other siblings?
And he goes, yes, you have a. I called vet and he’s she’s oh, does she know about me and can I meet her? Can I call her? And he’s oh, that’s up to her mother to decide. And so it’s just been and the coincidences like, not only do I look like my biological father, We have a very similar personality.
Like our fa we’ve got the same favorite dishes. Same favorite interests, like I love reading, I love history, I love politics. Like everything I did at uni, he loved all of that.
[00:26:04] Alexis: So have you been able to find some connection to him through your sibling, your older sister as him?
[00:26:13] Yvette: The stories is just incredible. And then when we FaceTime, I said, I remember when we just we opened up the cameras and I said to her, oh, sorry, I just, a little bit late, I was just cooking some dinner, something like that. And she said, oh, whatcha cooking for dinner? And I said, I’m cooking gula.
It’s one of my favorite meals. And she just stared at me. She went, oh my God. That was dad’s favorite meal. Wow. And then she, I normally wear glasses and she pointed out my glasses because I had the one that, that day and she goes, oh, they’re really nice glasses. And I said, oh, I’ve always worn glasses since I was a little girl.
I had a lazy eye and I’m not sure where I got that from. And she just stared at me and she goes, dad had a lazy eye. That’s where you got it from. Oh my goodness. So I had goosebumps because not only is it important to know our roots and our ethnicity, but the medical stuff, like for 35 years I’ve been talking about someone else’s medical history.
That’s not even mine.
[00:27:17] Alexis: That’s incredibly painful. That’s another one of the things that I found. I was surprised by how much that hurt.
[00:27:23] Yvette: It’s an ultimate betrayal. Ultimate, even with the best of intentions, it still creates a lot of hurt.
[00:27:27] Alexis: Of course.
[00:27:31] Yvette: And it was one of the biggest things when I rung my GP to tell her what happened and Can you please update my medical history?
Yeah. And she’s yep, done. This all makes sense now.
[00:27:50] Alexis: y Just, You think back to every form you fill out.
[00:27:53] Yvette: Everything, everything. It’s so many layers. It’s just I, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror after the, after what happened. I just couldn’t recognize myself. I’m like, who are you?
It’s so different. It’s so different now. It’s very different for me now, but I, there’s just so much grief, like the grief of not knowing well the grief of losing that ethnicity. I actually quite liked the Scottish ethnicity. I quite liked the Scottish people. Yeah. So I felt a little bit pained when that was gone, but, and then not knowing my, my, my biological father and then not knowing my grandmother, like she, she lived until the nineties she died in Vienna.
But it was, it’s like there could have been an opportunity. But even to talk to her on the phone. Yeah. And just just so many things. And then. The, these new ethnicities, I would’ve never been Jewish. Not with my mom’s side of the family. They’re very stoic Catholic. But I didn’t realize how important it is for Jewish people to know their roots.
Just when I, looking in genealogy groups and just. Researching the faith online or, and I’ve even tried to reach out to synagogues here in Sydney going, Hey, do you have any like groups for people that have just found out they’ve got Jewish ethnicity? And they’re like, oh, we don’t have anything like that.
Oh, but you can come to our classes to learn the faith. I don’t wanna convert. I just wanna understand myself.
[00:29:43] Alexis: You want like Judaism 1 0 1 or something like just to learn the basics.
[00:29:49] Yvette: Yeah, so I just look on, I just look at online and I think I pay attention now more to, to things that I never really did. Especially like with Sicilians. Sicilians I guess I love cannoli. I’ve always loved cannoli, but then who doesn’t love Italian desserts?
And I’ve always loved the Sopranos because of their attitude and just, having to stick up for themselves in such a crazy world, and that they’re very family orientated. But then I have this longingness, like I’ll never have any Zs that will teach me the little. Recipes of, the secret ingredients and stuff.
And that really hurt me because I do know how to cook Croatian food, and I have been surrounded by the matriarchs in that side of the family. It’s like I don’t have anyone, but then, My search angel, she’s actually started giving me recipes to cook and when she gave it to me, I just started crying.
[00:30:49] Alexis: For people that don’t know who might be listening, can you talk about what a search angel is and what they do?
[00:30:55] Yvette: Yes. So what, so I think you can get a search angel in. There’s certain like DNA detective or search angel groups or surprise, DNA groups. Basically a search angel is if you are looking for a particular family member, They will actually look at your DNA results. So they’ll look at your matches and then they will create a tree with your matches, and then they will figure out who your family member is in, like whoever you’re looking for I think it would’ve been impossible. I would’ve probably would’ve not have found my father if I did not know who he was because he had a different last name to my grandfather. And then the story, this, there was a tall story about him that was not true. And he had a he, he had a different name. He gave my grandmother a different name and we are for certain that he was a us.
Soldier, like an army soldier from World War III because we found this man’s draft cards and his army details when he signed up for the war in 1942. And then he. Left the Army in end of 1944 to marry his bride. And so he was American. He was an American Sicilian man, this generation, which is even more crazy.
For me. Yeah, because I just thought, I’ve got some amazing friends in America. I’ve got distant family that have moved to America. But to have something so close to home like that has just really like just thrown everything out because even when I was looking for him, people would go to me like, are you sure he wasn’t an American soldier?
Because the story you’re saying isn’t really Doesn’t, it sounds a bit tall, and I had to do a lot of research and just go, oh, what was happening in Vienna in 1943 the time when my father would’ve been conceived. And I just I even have found essays on American soldiers, like they.
Fetishize the European women because it’s exotic. Exotic, yeah. Different bit of an escape from the war. The trouble that was happening. So yeah, my search angel basically went from my highest match, which wasn’t extremely high. Like I just thought, I actually thought she was a second cousin.
But I think she’s a first cousin to my father. And she just backtracked it. And then a few relatives in America actually were inspired to do my to do the DNA test because I did. And it was very interesting to see where they fit on this tree. And she just, not only did she find my grandfather, she built a tree for me of my lineage from, it’s just, I look at it in awe going, this is my family.
These are. Great grandparents up until the grandfather. Above and beyond for me.
[00:34:32] Alexis: That’s incredible. So you talked about a tall story that your grandfather might have told. Can you share what that is?
[00:34:40] Yvette: So it was, would’ve been from my grandmother. So the story that, that my fa biological father got from her. So the story went at, oh, so his name was Sam, translated in English and he.
I went to work in the factories in Vienna. During World War ii, and he met my grandmother. They had a bit of a, a fling. And then he said he had to go back to his wife of five children and then never saw him again. And here I am looking for someone in this family tree because how I did it was I looked at my top matches from the Sicilian side at the top.
I looked at, I think the top 10 or something, and they all came back to this family tree that I found that this man did, which turns out to be my third cousin. And so his great grandfather and my great-grandmother, siblings, that’s how we figured.
I was just looking at this tree for ages. Literally eliminating people like going, that can’t be him. That can’t be him. And I’m pulling my hair going, where is this guy on my tree? I can’t him until my came. And she said, Yvette, look at this family. Have you looked at that family? Yeah. There’s three children.
She. And that’s when she said, I just want you look at this family, only them.
Grandfather of mine, when I first found a picture of his mother for the first time, I literally just stopped and I was like, my jaw dropped. And she looks exactly like my son. Just a blonde hair, blue eyed version looking version of my son. ’cause my son’s very Mediterranean looking like dark brown eyes, tan skin and.
Oh my gosh. And then it turns out the men, like from my grandfather’s side, they’re all tall, really tall, cemented a lot with my father being quite tall. Being over six feet, three and then it then, and that actually comforted me. ’cause I’m about five eight, so relatively tall. Yeah.
Now I know where I got my height from. Yeah. So it’s just been incredible. And there’s just. I search Angels do it. They must look at something and then just, they’re just detective. They help so many people. They do this out their free time. That’s the difference with these search angels.
They’re not paid genealogists. They do this out of your time. They don’t contact your family. They’ll ask you to like if they’ve questions. It. It’s been amazing. That’s incredible.
[00:38:10] Alexis: So what was, who have you told and what was everyone’s reaction when you made this discovery?
[00:38:14] Yvette: Oh my gosh.
I got, ’cause I was very angry with my mother and then confused so her sister knows. So that whole family knows I rung up my godmother. She knew anything about my biological father. Did she? She could not believe it this happened. She thought the man that raised me was my dad, and she even thought until she goes, but you look like your grandfather.
I said, wait until we catch up and you see the photos of my new family and. You are gonna get mind blown. Then I reached out. I reached out to one of my mom’s first cousins that I’m close with, and he was heartbroken. He had no idea. So it was a secret that my grandmother and my mother kept from everyone, and then just my.
Out and they’ve been amazing. Like I’ve had friends coming over to comfort me. Or my husband has told some of his family and they just go, this is so messed up.
[00:39:32] Alexis: Yeah. It’s shocking. It’s really shocking.
[00:39:35] Yvette: I just and it’s just with being in those groups, those N P E DNA detectives groups, It’s just amazing how I’m like, it’s not it’s so common.
It’s not uncommon, like we’ve all got that similar, that thread that we have had a DNA test. All of our stories are different. Like some people get to meet their fathers or their mothers. ’cause some are adopted. But it, I guess it’s just that, that shock and And especially being a different ethnicity, I think if my mom had if my father was the same nationality as my raised dad. at least I wouldn’t have to rewire as much.
[00:40:31] Alexis: Yes, I completely agree. Yeah. You feel that extra. Yeah. It’s an extra layer and it’s a whole culture that you were never exposed to and it makes so many things like what you were saying about never feeling like you really. Identified with that side of you, your father’s side or your dad’s side.
It’s, it makes so many things make sense, but then you also have this grief about a whole family and culture that you were never exposed to. And like, how do you catch up? How do you catch up?
[00:41:06] Yvette: I don’t know. I think for me, the cooking has been really comforting learning about the Jewish faith now with the Czech.
I’m really comfortable with that because. And it’s in that same eastern European region, like near the Balkan side. So it’s it’s not like it’s Sicilian. Sicilian and Czech is just two, two completely different cultures and way of life. One of the first thing I did was I bought a Sicilian cookbook, and this particular cookbook has a bit of a history of Sicily.
I feel when I cook, I feel the presence of my matriarchs from Sicily with me. Just like finally she’s home. I try and find Sicilian folklore music just to have in the background just so I can listen to it and feel like I’m there and then. I want to learn the language because we do wanna go to Cline now to see it where my family are from, which is a really small village of only like 3000 people.
Like it’s just tiny. Yeah. And I thought I’ll need to learn a bit of cicilline if I want to get. More information about my family lines, because only the older people will know, not the young people. With my family being so much older it’s just those little things going to the library or the councils to get more records.
So I thought, oh, maybe I can learn the language. ’cause that’s one thing I learned. Sicilian is very different to Italian. It’s a different language in itself. Something I. Recently, I thought they just spoke Italian. Don’t tell I did, don’t you tell a Sicilian I said that because I’d be like, what? And it’s just very, yeah, it’s very and it’s and that has an amazing history in itself in Sicily that I’m learning and loving.
But it’s just I guess in a way I probably would’ve never been able to get any of that. Because my father didn’t know his father, so I think I feel a little bit, I don’t feel as guilty and my mom, I don’t think my mom knew that he was half Sicilian. I think she just thought he was Austrian and Jewish.
I don’t, she think he, she even knew his background and I think if the truth did come out earlier, she probably would’ve not had an idea, whereas I probably would know a lot about. My biological father more than my mom would ever have known yeah. Yeah.
[00:44:04] Alexis: I love what you said about cooking and using that and listening to music as a way to connect to the culture.
I think that’s just really special and a really great idea for anyone who’s trying to figure out a way to connect with, a different culture that’s new to them.
[00:44:19] Yvette: Especially when I don’t have the relatives around me. And if I was to connect with relatives, it would be the whoever’s left in America.
And those are third cousins or second, like second cousins. And I don’t think many of them really would really know because. My grandfather and his siblings, they all passed away. Yeah, like before I was born. And I think just the support that I have had from my husband, he has tolerated so much from me.
He has, they have to, don’t they?
[00:45:03] Alexis: Yes.
[00:45:06] Yvette: But he even said to me, you’re doing so well. If I found out my father wasn’t my real father, I would be in a psych ward. He said you’ve done it so well. I said, there’s been so much crying and me just sometimes I go into this spin, like, how could she done this and how could she do this to me?
Like it’s just, and then how could she do this to her grandson? I’m gonna have to tell him. Yeah, I’m gonna have to tell him one day because he looks like his biological grandfather. How old is your son? He’ll be 10 soon. Okay. Yeah, I think he has a fair idea now, hearing the stories, but he won’t ever pipe up and say something to me.
But look, at the end of the day, and sometimes it can be a bit, it can. It can feel a bit insensitive when people say, but it’s so true. When people say to me, no matter what, your father will always be your father. They’re right. They’re completely right.
[00:46:08] Alexis: Yes. I definitely heard that a few times and I remember in the immediate aftermath really not being receptive to that because, not because.
He’s not my dad. He’ll always be my dad. And, but that for me, it was like, that’s not the point. The point is the deception and the truth and the lack of knowledge and the lack of opportunity to connect. It really has nothing to do with the relationship that I have with my dad because yes, he’ll always be my dad.
And I do treasure that relationship and hope same. Hope that we’ll be able to restore some. Some of that, but it’s still relatively fresh for me.
[00:46:47] Yvette: I will tell you another coincidence. When I found my biological father, he’s actually buried here in Sydney, not far from me, maybe about half an hour’s drive, depending.
And he’s buried in the same cemetery as my in-laws. So I’ve been going to, Cemetery since I started dating my husband because we used to visit his father. I never met my father-in-law. And then when my mother-in-law passed, We had this, everything there. So they’re buried in the Orthodox, Greek Orthodox section.
So when we go to visit, he will drop me off at the Jewish lawn ’cause that’s where my father’s buried. So I go there and, I’ve been learning all the rituals, what you need to respect and honor the past and loved ones. And I’d have my time with him. And then I go for a little walk for about a minute.
And there I am in the Greek Orthodox section to honor my in-laws and how frustrating it is that he has been there all those times. All these years I have been walking past, driving past and did not know. That has really angered me and me. It’s I’m glad that you’re not far from me.
[00:48:24] Alexis: But there are those moments where you think, oh, that was an opportunity to tell me, or if I’d known. And yeah, I think we play those scripts in our minds as we’re processing it all, and that is wild. So you said you know, your father that raised you will always be your father. How is your relationship with him?
[00:48:45] Yvette: Oh it’s wonderful. Okay. It’s wonderful. Yeah. Even out of my younger sisters and me, I’m still the one that calls every few weeks. We celebrate Father’s Day in September here in Australia. I think it’s different in America, the, it’s early. Early. My son and I we bought a present for him, like just a coffee table book on sailing as he loves boats and sailing.
And we sent that to him and he rang me up and he goes, oh my gosh. Thank you so much for the present. He goes, I always cried. I could not believe it. And he goes, I love you guys so much, and yeah, so that’s really good. Yeah. Those little special things.
[00:49:35] Alexis: Yeah. Yeah. I think ultimately, when somebody raised you and you had a loving and positive relationship with them, that’s not going to go away.
Even with these DNA surprises, like what you were saying.
[00:49:47] Yvette: Exactly. It’s not like it’s not like he was abusive or anything, and I got the DNA test and I was like, relief. It was not like that. It was so heartbreaking to not know that I don’t share the DNA with him.
[00:50:07] Alexis: You mentioned that you don’t speak to your mom that much anymore? Is it because of this or, oh,
[00:50:15] Yvette: I don’t at all. At all.Yes.
[00:50:17] Alexis: Yeah. Has she expressed any remorse or anything? No.
[00:50:22] Yvette: About what happened? No. No. She can’t hold accountability. This woman and she. She’s still trying to uphold her reputation, but I think at the same time she knows how to play her cards and who to talk to and who to not talk to.
I don’t know. I just she’s a piece of work for, but I think the. Sending my biological father to my work was just that when I, oh my gosh. Because one of the biggest things, when I found out about the te, like the surprise test, like I was an alcoholic for a month and I was vomiting. I was showering like three or four times a day ’cause I felt dirty.
Oh my God, I’m a product of this affair. And then I had this feeling that mom planned it. Yeah, I’ve just, I’ve never really been the same in that kind of, because trust is a huge thing. Like it is we’re supposed to trust our mother and I just think I could never, ever do anything like that to my son.
[00:51:30] Alexis: If you had a friend maybe who was in a situation like your mother, what advice would you give them?
[00:51:38] Yvette: I would tell them, you, you have to tell the truth as hard it. You need to tell the truth and not let them find out with a DNA test because that’s where families break up and friendships break up because of it.
And the thing is how I’ve always seen it. It’s a bomb and I’m the center. And then the next person to be affected by, it’s my father, the man that raised me and hurt. And his partner. His partner was just shattered as well for both of us. And then you gotta think of his family and then my mom’s family.
And then my partner’s there as well, and his family. And then my biological family, like my siblings, like my older sister that has known about this, when I spoke to her, she said to me I’ve been waiting for this day to come. I’ve been waiting. It’s just, it’s, that’s what I would tell them.
Just be honest it if my mom told me in my late twenties, for instance, yeah, I would’ve been mad, right? But I would’ve had the opportunity to meet my father. I would’ve had an opportunity to know somewhat of my identity, and I probably would’ve not taken a test. Because then I would’ve known because it is such a big thing, especially if.
You’re thinking your one ethnicity going, ooh, all the way to a totally different one. Like it’s just too much. It’s a lot to take in. And I would tell them, just do it. Because if they take that test, it’s gonna take them for the rest of their lives to recover.
[00:53:32] Alexis: It’s a very painful way to discover the truth.
[00:53:35] Yvette: Especially now that we’re in almost now, late thirties. It’s just you get, you start to get set in your ways and your mindset. You are in a rhythm and routine. It’s completely flipped upside down now.
[00:53:49] Alexis: Yeah. Yeah. What advice would you give somebody who today found out that they are an NPE?
[00:53:59] Yvette: I just hope you have all the love and support around you when you’re moving through that space of emptiness and numbness and just that all those W T F moments you’re gonna get if you have a partner.
Oh my gosh. Don’t be afraid to just talk it out. ’cause my husband has always said to me, just talk it out. I don’t care if you repeat it a thousand times. Just whatever’s on your mind, just say it. And some days I’ll just going and I’ll be dropping glasses and plates doing silly things because I was just, so now I’m a lot better. And like we still talk about certain things, but I think for me now knowing somewhat of my lineages, it’s just okay, cool. Like how can I integrate that into my lifestyle without having my son to go, mom, what’s going on?
Yeah. And I think that’s what it is. And if you need time out, And just, retract from the world, do it. I think that was a big privilege for me during covid and especially the lockdowns where I didn’t have to face the world I was working from home. I could just be in my own space in my study and just go, oh my gosh, what’s going on?
And put that boundary up and if, even if it just. I’m just bawling my eyes out. Yeah you need that. You can’t hold it in because I feel like all these years my DNA was screaming to me to take a test or figure it out. Who you are. There is some sort of, I think because the truth has been half buried, and I think there’s a part of you that just screams out for it, oh why did we take the test in the first place?
[00:56:07] Alexis: For me I didn’t suspect anything. But you wonder what part of you knew what part? And a lot of things in my past that I look back and I’m like, oh, you knew. You just didn’t know, you knew.
[00:56:22] Yvette: Was sleeping whilst awake all these years. Yes. I’m just so excited to know most of my lineages look, there’s always gonna be something that we don’t know about our great grandparents and stuff, but it’s just, it’s really just helped me shape who I.
And I think just, coming from, my Croatian culture and then my husband’s from a very Greek background that’s always been important to us. So we’re just slowly integrating that into our lifestyle and it’s all new for us. It’s all new and it’s just wonderful. And as heartbreaking as my story is with what happened.
I look, I actually lean into my grandparents, my Sicilian, and then my Czech Jewish grandmother, and I think, wow. How did they meet? And I look at the photos of them going, oh, they would’ve been a cute couple, yeah. Yeah. But just, I think. I wonder what it was like. But yeah, that’s how I sit and just really embrace those stories, because those stories really shape who we’re today, I think.
[00:57:41] Alexis: Absolutely. I’m so glad that you got answers, yeah. It’s too bad that you didn’t get a chance to meet your father. I. And you’re very another. Exactly. But you have those answers and I’m sure that, brings some peace and resolution to the situation and joy because, we sometimes see grief always as despair and depression, but grief can be joy too.
[00:58:01] Yvette: Yes, it can be celebration and it can’t always be a sad story. And otherwise, how can we grow from it? Yes.
[00:58:22] Alexis: Thank you for sharing your story. Yvette, thank you so much for being so generous with your story. I wish you the best of luck as you continue on this journey.
[00:58:34] Yvette: You too. Thank you so much.
So it’s been a pleasure to share my story and an honor.