Joe’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Podcast Introduction and Joe's Early DNA Test Confusion

A month ago we went up to Illinois and it was, it was one of the coolest things ever.

I've never met these people.

I mean, I just found out about this four months ago, three months before we went up there.

And it was like, we've known each other our whole lives.

It was pretty neat because growing up I was always very different.

And well, you know, you hear this a lot on here being very different.

But the weird thing is, is it was normal to be different.

I'm just different.

I didn't know there was a way to fit in.

And now is a we're an adult with three kids now.

Now I fit in somewhere.

I mean, these people, they're, they're just like me.

It's it's it's coolest thing.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

Hey everyone, before we jump into this week's episode, I have a quick favor to ask if this podcast has helped you navigate your DNA surprise journey or if it's giving you insight into what it's like to go through ADNA Surprise.

Please take a moment to rate and review the podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

My mission is to help people who are experiencing DNA surprises feel less alone, as well as to raise awareness, reduce secrecy, and hopefully reduce the shame that causes DNA surprises to happen in the 1st place.

Your ratings and reviews help this podcast reach more people.

Thank you.

The truth will set you free.

That's the hope, right?

In this week's episode, Joe shares how taking a test for fun led to him uncovering the truth about his paternity, which relieved him of the guilt and burden of maintaining a relationship with his birth certificate father.

He also discusses how he's connected with a new found family and what that means to him.

Thank you for sharing your story, Joe.

Uncovering Paternity Through an Ancestry DNA Match

My name's Joe.

I'm 32.

I'm from Illinois, but I live in Tennessee now.

Two years ago, my wife bought herself and IA Ancestry DNA kit.

And the reason we bought it was because her family, her family's no family's perfect, but her family is, I think as close as you can get to being perfect.

And she wanted to see if she could find some drama.

And that's her exact words.

And Oh my goodness, we we took this test and her results came back that everything seemed normal.

So she was kind of bummed out.

But this was two years ago.

And the weird thing on this that didn't make sense then, but obviously now makes sense.

My last name is a very Irish, my mother's maiden name is very Irish.

So we kind of was curious to see how much Irish I was.

And it came back with like 5%, which made no sense.

It was just the weirdest.

I couldn't explain it so I just we just left it at that.

Fast forward 2 years, I was getting ready for work and I got an e-mail from Ancestry, which I haven't been on in two years that said I had a first cousin once removed match which didn't make any sense to me that I know everybody and I said paternal side.

I know everybody on my paternal side.

So I reached out to my mom and she told me that my birth certificate dad told her she wasn't legally allowed to say anything, which in my line of work I investigate things sometimes.

So I put my work hat on and I started a search and within an hour and a half I realized that the one that raised me wasn't my dad.

I had a dad that I've never met in a whole new family.

All within an hour and a half.

Processing the Shock and Investigating His Mother's Secret

My mom wouldn't help at all with it.

She was very worried if you knew my birth certificate, that it, it makes sense.

Very manipulative.

He's actually in prison, went to prison a few years ago.

So it was.

It was weird.

What were you thinking when you uncovered this information?

How are you feeling?

Speaker 1

Shocked, Shocked is the best word.

I've listened to lots of the episodes that you had on here.

I think that's the most common answer is shocked.

Probably the the the first feeling was shocked.

Never upset, never upset which is kind of strange to me.

I don't know why but I think the reason is my first if dad when he got sent away, I struggled with letting him go because my mom, she left when I was 5 and I got to see her somewhere growing up.

But my first if your dad, he never left.

So it was hard when he got sent away to just to cut him off.

I mean, he went away for something very bad and it was struggling with I need to not cut him off, I have anything to do with him.

And then this happened and then this was just a sign.

So were you raised by your birth certificate father then after your mother left?

Yes, until I was 18 and left for the military.

Yes.

Wow, he OK.

That's who raised me.

That's why it was hard to to cut him off.

But then this was I called a sign from the man upstairs.

It was OK, OK to let him go.

That's what I think.

Did you confront him with this information?

Does he know?

And that's the, he can only call me and I, I, we can't call in there.

And he's, I've only talked to him in the couple years he's been there 3 or 4 times.

Because I, I guess I don't have a reason why I'm not talking that much.

Probably because why he got sent away was like I said, something not good.

But he only calls.

And since then he called once and then I wouldn't answer.

And then he called maybe a couple times a week.

And now it's starting to finally die off a little bit.

But this, this all only happened four months ago.

This is all four months and five days ago.

Your mom doesn't help you.

She she won't give you any information.

That that that's correct.

When she moved out, she's told me that my birth certificate dad made her sign something.

And if she ever told us me or my brother about this, then he would take us away from her.

So she just kept it in for 32 years until I asked what what, what's this name mean?

What who is this person?

And she kind of gave me hints.

The last name she goes look into that last name OK that was all she would say and I I went through obituaries.

I found out if that person was first cousin once removed to me that would I don't understand what it means but to me it meant would be one generation removed and I don't even know if that's accurate.

So I asked her or her grandparents were and I got on and started there and worked my way down to someone who was roughly my mom's age.

I lived close to where I'm from and I found him on Facebook and it was just an older version of me.

I said, holy cow, I've done it.

I screenshotted a picture and I sent it to my mom and I said, am I getting close?

And she said I haven't seen that guy in exactly 32 years.

And I was OK.

Wow.

Connecting with His Biological Father and Finding Belonging

That that was how I, I verified it.

And I, that's a scary part, was reaching out to him because I had to find out right then.

I told you it's probably an hour and a half from finding this out to that.

And I just had to know now.

But looking back, I wish I wouldn't have gone so fast because I couldn't imagine if they weren't as accepting as they are.

I mean, that family is amazing, absolutely amazing.

The legal form that she had to sign, was it specifically about your paternity or do you still not have clarity on what exactly it was that she signed?

I have no clarity at all.

She didn't know what she was.

She was, she dropped out of high school to have me.

So she was very young when this happened.

And he was very manipulative.

I don't even know if this really was a legal form.

I don't know, but OK.

She was scared.

She felt like she was going to be breaking some legally binding agreement if she told you any more information.

OK.

That's that's correct and I don't hold it against her at all 'cause like I said, you would have had to know him.

Sure, understand it.

And so she says, I haven't seen this person in 32 years.

At that point, does she say yes, that is your biological father?

Not at all.

That would that's, that's what she said.

And I confirmed through him.

I found him on Facebook.

OK, So what was it like when you reached out to him?

I sent him a message.

I consider myself kind of a jokester.

And the first message I ever sent was hello.

I think we're closely related, like really closely related.

And I waited and he didn't respond back very fast.

And we found out on Facebook that he had a daughter who's my half sister.

So I think my wife sent her a message on Facebook and then she got a hold of my bio dad.

And then we started talking.

Right then he said he needed a few days to process it.

After he asked how old I was and where I was from and who my mom was, he said holy shit was his first words.

I've gotten to talk with him very, very often and kind of I don't want to push too much because I feel like I'm the one that inserted myself into their lives.

So I don't ask too many questions yet.

It's kind of taken time.

But I asked how what happened and he told me that he came back around 345 years after I was born and a family member told him that adna test was done and I I wasn't his.

So then he just let it go for for 30 years.

Go ahead.

And what kind of relationship did he and your mom have?

They boyfriend girlfriends.

A boyfriend girlfriend, my bio dad's wife.

They've been married for just over 30 years and they were together back then also.

That was another scary part about realizing that it was oh gosh, I hope I don't start anything.

I don't want to do that.

But she's she's just a fantastic human being too.

But they were boyfriend girlfriend at the time.

OK, OK, so he knew that you existed but was told that there was adna test and that he was not your biological father.

So he let it go and then it comes back around.

That's exactly right.

So you said that you talk often now?

Like what?

What is your relationship like?

Have you met in person?

We we did.

And now it's a grow an adult with three kids now it's now I fit in somewhere.

I mean, these people, they're they're just like me.

Navigating Identity Shifts and the 'What If' of Childhood

I mean, this has happened so fast for you.

It's been four months and you've gone from finding out the truth to being well connected now with your newfound family.

Did you go through any disruption to your identity or like any of the more?

I guess there are no negative emotions, but like any of the negative kind of feelings that some people talk about.

That's a fantastic question.

There's a couple, a couple answers.

Being a man, you're very proud of your last name.

That's just I, I think that's just what little boys are taught.

I mean, we have nicknames.

People call us different first names, but nobody calls you a different last name.

And I was in the military and they call you by your last name.

Same thing with where I'm at now that they call you by your last name.

And then when this happened, that was the weirdest part of the whole thing was that's not my last name.

That's not who I am.

That was part of it.

But another way to explain emotions are the roller coaster of emotions.

Like I've extreme happiness cause I've struggled with cutting off my birth certificate death and then now it's OK too.

I've got a whole family.

But then it's also sad because I've lost it.

So I've lost family, but I've gained family.

It's just just like a roller coaster.

It's a fantastic way to to put it.

Yeah, and that's so true about the the last name.

Have you thought about correcting your birth certificate or changing your last name to reflect this newfound family?

I, I have thought about that and it's just, I feel like it would be too hard.

And I've built, I've spent my whole career around, I feel like building my name would be a good way to put it, trying to do the right thing all the time.

And I feel like that would be changing it.

Now I've got a stepson and two little girls and if they ever wanted to change their name to what their name should have been, I very much support it and I will absolutely do it.

It's just for myself to do it.

I don't, I don't think that's something that I could do maybe later down the road, but I just, I, I don't, don't think I could do it.

Sure.

Yeah.

And you know, you talked about kind of some of the grief because you lost the connection with your birth certificate father and all that family that you you knew very well.

Are you still connected with the other members of your what you thought was your paternal side?

There's honestly there's not a lot of them left, a couple aunts and uncles and then my brother who is my now found a half brother I thought was my full brother.

I still talk with him very often.

And that's another thing, talking about my brother.

I was always the Big Brother growing up, always defending him.

And when this happened, everything started to make sense.

What I mean by that was I always got treated differently, always got treated differently because it was just my first certificate.

Dad, my brother and I growing up and I'd get in trouble with things and he wouldn't get in trouble.

He would tell me to go live with my mom.

He doesn't want me there.

But he would never say that to my little brother.

And I just thought it was because I was a smart aleck, which I I'll admit I could be considered that.

Sure, as many children.

Could be Oh yes, Oh yes, I grew up.

That was another hard part about my biological dad.

And I told him about how I grew up and that that bothered him because they would have, I wouldn't have been raised like that.

As one way to put it, I was things like, you're not allowed to cry.

That's not something you're allowed to do.

My, my new family.

They will and it's OK to and that's, that's pretty neat.

That's that's pretty cool to me because I grew up very hard.

They live in a little tiny town, Illinois.

And that was the first thing when I went into that little town was what if I was raised here?

This is the house I should have grew up in.

That is hard.

And that's hard to put in words that people don't understand it.

But it was weird thinking this is where I should have been at because remember, my mom left when I was 5, my biological dad.

That's what upsets him the most is the fact that I for sure would have went with him.

That's that's not a question.

I absolutely would have went with him.

And then that, that's where I'd have grown up instead of where I actually did.

So it's hard to process that.

But then also I accept it and I wouldn't change it for the world because I've got the most beautiful family now.

I've got a fantastic career, very happy where I'm at, so I wouldn't change it.

But the what if game gets played very often, probably every day.

You think what if, what, what if, what if?

I'd have stayed there.

I probably would have never left that little small town in Illinois.

Yeah, it's a lot to think about.

Reflecting on Blood Ties, Truth, and Family Reactions

How has the realization that you were not raised by somebody who is biologically related to you made you feel?

I've spoken to some other people that have had a similar experience where they were raised by their dads and then they came to find out that their dads weren't biologically related.

Like how does that feel?

I'm a step dad and a stepfather, and that's a that's a tricky question.

I'm very proud to be a step dad to my son, and he's my son.

He gets treated no different than my girls, not not even the slightest little bit.

He's got a different last name and five years ago he lost his dad.

So I am, I'm his dad.

There's that's not a question.

Blood doesn't mean anything when it comes to that.

Nah, not even a little bit.

But it's hard to put into words how this experience shows blood does mean something.

And the way I justify that emotionally with myself is he still has his family that he spends time with and loves it.

That's, that's his blood.

That's where he's from.

And that's what I get now.

My family, that blood doesn't mean everything, but now I have that connection kind of just like he does.

Yeah, and there's probably something to be said for the fact that he also knows, right?

He knows the truth.

He didn't have to find out the way that that I did, which I don't think was fair to me.

I don't want to play a victim.

I don't do that.

But I just, I don't think that was fair to have to find out that way.

Yeah, no, it certainly wasn't.

Have you talked to your mom any more about this or is she still refusing to discuss it?

She won't discuss it.

She's asked how our trip went up there and I said it was great and she seems supportive that I'm doing this, but she won't talk about it much at all.

And it's, we don't talk I guess like like we should like we'll send a text every couple weeks or maybe every couple months.

And if we're not as close as I feel like that we should be, I mean, we, we try, we go up to their house about four hours away.

We try to go up there every now and again, but they don't come down here and see us a lot.

We try to get up there.

What did your brother think of all this?

He bought an ancestry test the next day.

I didn't think about time change when this happened.

He lives in Colorado and I live in Tennessee.

And I called him and had to go to bed and I woke him up and he just said a few curse words then hung up because I consider myself a prankster.

So I don't think he believed it for a second until the next day.

And we had a talk and he said that's crazy.

But he also said it makes sense because he'd seen the way I was raised also compared to him.

I mean, if we call IT department of Children's Services here, I don't know what's called across the, yeah, across the country, but if they would have came into the, the, the trailer that I was raised in, I, I would have been taken.

I mean, there were passed to places.

It was, it wasn't easy.

It wasn't easy.

Yeah, yeah.

Embracing New Family and the Hidden Costs of Secrecy

Have there been any things about yourself that like you said, you, you now fit in, you understand what it feels like to fit in?

What are some characteristics or things that all of a sudden have made sense for you since you connected to your family?

Emotions, seeing someone who's my dad crying, Oh, oh, it's OK to do that, 'cause I still have that.

It's just, I try to bury it down.

But then you see your dad.

It's like, OK, it's OK to do that.

It's OK to show that.

Stuff like that.

My aunt who is like a sister, she's younger than my wife.

I talk to her.

We FaceTime almost literally every day.

She's awesome.

She makes fun of my receding hairline because that entire family has a receding hairline.

And I said, OK, that's pretty neat to fit in there too.

It's it's things like that.

We're all, I don't consider myself short, vertically challenged is the way to put it.

The entire family's short.

We look like I look like my grandpa.

I never had grandparents growing up.

My paternal grandparents first tipped his dad's parents.

They died when I was really young and my mom's parents, I've never met my grandpa and my grandma doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

So now I've got grandparents, so that is cool, that is.

Oh wow, so they're still alive and you can spend time with them.

That's.

Amazing.

Oh absolutely.

I look just like my grandpa, which he's over 6 feet tall and I can't say I'm there yet, but he I look just like him.

Other than that, I mean, it is having grandparents that that's one of the better things.

Did you pick up additional siblings through this?

Yes, I I got my half sister it was she's awesome.

She's just like me.

I mean I have messaged her every single day since this has happened and I so I got 1/2 sister, aunts, uncles.

It's a whole, whole new family, which is, which is cool.

And what do your kids think about this?

They love it.

They call him Pee Paul.

Pee Paul is what they like to call him.

I'm pretty sure that's his most favorite thing.

My sister, she hasn't had any children and I don't I don't think she wants to right now, maybe later in life.

So he my my logical dad just never thought he'd have grandkids.

And then one day four months ago, he got 3.

This is a snap of finger and he just, he's got a little shop in the town he works in.

He renamed the shop to Pete Paul's Garage.

I mean, he just, he loves it.

Oh, wow.

Absolutely loves it.

They love him.

They FaceTime my children love it.

Absolutely love having this whole new family.

And I have to ask your your wife, she wanted to take this test because she was hoping for some drama in her.

Family.

I mean it.

You got more, yes.

She cares.

She couldn't believe it.

Yeah, she couldn't believe it.

She could.

This was surprising to her, too.

Oh yeah, She, she wanted to find something.

She just, I don't know, I guess got bored and wanted to see if she could find any dramas.

What she said and I did it 'cause I was told to do it, I don't care.

I didn't think anything about it and she found nothing.

And my iris results were strange but I just let it go.

And then two years later, I'm the one with the drama.

And what, what has she thought of all of this?

Very, very, very supportive.

She's been very happy with it too, because I moved away and I live here and her family lives here.

And this is where we've lived for over 10 years.

And her family's just like my family.

Like I said, there's no perfect family, but hers is as close as you can get.

And they're, there's fantastic human beings.

But now there's more family, There's more to it.

There's more people for her the the aunt that's like a sister.

She she talks with my wife very often also.

I mean, it's my wife has been a huge part in this going back to some of the emotional, emotional bad things that has happened.

My birth certificate dad, he would tell my wife about our kids.

There's heart problems and and his family and my little girl had something with her chest and he made her go through a whole bunch of tests at a hospital couple hours away.

And he said, yeah, you better do those tests.

You know, we have problems in the family with this.

You have to you have to make sure she get those tests.

And we spent thousands of dollars and many hours just putting her through tests she didn't need only because of that family history that upset my wife more than anything else.

That was the first thing she said when she heard about this was a test that my little girl had to go through just because he didn't want to tell the truth.

Do you think that there is any chance that he did not know?

The Widespread Secret and Joe's Path to Forgiveness

No, no.

Another family member when I put this on Facebook from Virginia, reached out and asked.

When they told me, I said when they told me what she said about this, nobody ever told me anything.

She goes, Oh my gosh, the entire family knows.

That whole family just hid it from me.

And I, I didn't confront them.

But when we went up there to visit my new family, we sat down and talked a little bit and asked what they thought about all this.

And they said, oh, that's crazy.

That's crazy.

We just didn't know.

And, and I go back into that.

It's another little town in Illinois.

And I go to the little gas station and the manager used to babysit me when I was a kid.

She said the same thing that that family member said.

She said, when did they tell you said, nobody told me anything.

I had to do this on my own.

She goes, oh, even I knew.

Even the people in the town knew.

Everybody knew besides me, so he 110% knew.

How do you feel about the fact that so many people knew this thing about you that you didn't know about yourself?

That's embarrassing.

It feels embarrassing.

Embarrassing is a good word, but it's not.

That's not the right word.

That's just the the what I feel now I go to that, back to that little town.

I mean, there's 100 people in the high school.

I mean, it's a small town, so literally everybody knows everybody and they all know that, and I didn't know it.

So it's like the entire place kept a secret from me growing up.

I mean, it was embarrassing.

It's probably the best word for it, even though that's not the right word.

That's just what I think is the best word for.

It what has helped you as you've navigated this experience?

I mean, it is only four months in and I assume that, you know, having it go so positively with your newfound family has certainly helped, but what has helped you navigate this?

I'm a very shy person.

I wasn't allowed to be growing up.

So I kind of, I feel shy, but I'll, I'll stand in front of a crowd and give a speech just 'cause I guess that's what I was taught.

My little sister, my new little sister, my half sister, we've talked about that.

She's very shy and it's just she wasn't taught not to be that she was allowed to be herself growing up.

I say this because my aunt, that's like a sister Emily's her name.

She is the exact opposite, very forward.

That's why we Facetimed almost every day because I think the second or third day after this happened, she just Facetimed me.

I'm very shy and this is a new person, so the best answer for that would probably be her.

I mean, the very first day I talked to her, she wanted to know when we're coming to meet up.

I mean, that has been the biggest help by far as someone that understands because she understands the family's shy or shy tendencies.

I guess the way to put it, that's why I've gotten so lucky.

I don't think everything would have moved the way it has if it wasn't for her being so forward and calling often.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Oh yes.

What's next for you?

What are you hoping like over the next six months to a year with your newfound family or just yourself as you navigate this?

We're planning to go back up there another couple months, go back up and try to meet everybody again.

For me personally, I want to try to get over how I was raised.

That's probably the hardest part is looking back, realizing didn't have to be like that, but forgiving my birth certificate and for the way I was raised, that's what I want to do.

I don't want to tell him I forgive him.

I don't want to have any more conversations with him ever again.

Just being able to forgive him.

I forgive my mom.

I know how hard that had to be.

And I actually truthfully believe she was too scared.

The same thing and then it became too late when I was adult, she felt like she couldn't.

I, I understand it, I really do.

So I, I forgive her.

But moving forward, it's just get to know them more.

Get to know my grandparents aren't in fantastic health.

My new grandparents get to know them as much as I can as soon as I can just meet, meet more people still family members that that I haven't met yet.

There was some that drove I think 16 hours overnight just to spend 1/2 an hour with us.

I mean, family that would do that.

Wow, that's unreal.

And then there's other family members over there that was was too busy to talk with us, which is fine that that's totally OK.

But it's get to know them all, get to know everybody more at 100%.

The plan.

I got a supportive family that'll let me do that.

Crucial Advice for DNA Surprises and Episode Conclusion

What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child?

If I was put in the shoes to be a parent that was keeping this and they knew about it, you have to tell them.

You have to tell them as soon as they're old enough to comprehend it.

That way they can build their life around it because it's, it's their life.

It's, it's the child's life.

They're they're the ones that's going to be affected by this.

They're going to find out.

So keeping it is there's no point in keeping it from them.

They're 100% going to find out.

And if that's all they've known, it'll be much easier to deal with in life instead of being 30-40, fifty years old and finding out and then your whole life gets turned upside down because of the time you missed out with your family that you couldn't have known who your real grandparents are.

I mean, it's, it's just not worth it.

It's not worth it to hold it, to hold it in.

I know it's scary.

I can't imagine how scary it is.

I remember, remember I talked about my mom's.

I understand it.

She should have told me.

She should have told me at least when I became an adult.

I think it was fair at that point because he couldn't have taken me when I was an adult.

That would have been her time to tell me.

You have to tell them.

If you're a parent, you got to tell.

Them.

And what advice do you have for someone who just uncovered a DNA surprise?

I would take it slow.

That'd be advice, 'cause I went too fast.

I know I went too fast.

I didn't think about before I reached out, I didn't ask more questions.

But I got very lucky.

I and I don't think everybody can get that lucky.

I did.

But if I was giving him any advice, it was in my shoes.

Go slower, go slow.

Think about it before you reach out, talk to your family members that you know, ask them as many questions as you can and just just take it easy.

Don't rush in like I did 'cause I thought it reached out, they wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me.

I think that would have been just worst case scenario that have been horrible and I want to try to protect some of them.

Hopefully someone listen to this is maybe they're thinking about reaching out and just hopefully they'll listen.

This is take a second think about it.

Talk to the people you know first, then reach out 'cause it's your story.

The end of the day, it's your story, not nobody else's.

No one can tell you what to say.

It's your start.

Well said, Joe, Thank you so much for joining me on the podcast and sharing your very recent DNA Surprise.

I'm so happy for you that it's going really well and I wish you the best as you continue to get to know your brand new family.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for having me.

This was getting my story out there.

I think it's going to help more people and I thank you for that, really.

It absolutely will.

Thanks again to Joe for sharing his story.

If you have adna surprise that you'd like to share, submit your story at dnasurprises.com and for early add free access to episodes, join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises.

Until next time.

This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.