Elizabeth’s DNA Surprise (Part 1)

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

I'm so determined to get absolute answer but I know that that may not be achievable and I'll just have to be at peace with that.

But I'm not a quitter.

I should quit sometimes when I don't.

But I feel like I haven't exhausted every option that I have yet to find my answer.

But I I'm getting pretty close to exhausting those options.

Speaker 2

And.

Speaker 1

If that comes to where I can't get anyone to test, then that's just the way it's going to be.

Speaker 3

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis Oursalt.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

Welcome to a new season of DNA Surprises.

We're kicking this season off with a triple episode premiere as we follow Elizabeth on her DNA surprise journey.

I first met Elizabeth of the 2024 DNA Surprise retreat.

Her discovery was recent, her wounds fresh, and she wasn't sure what to expect as she looked toward the future.

A week after the retreat, we recorded this episode.

Elizabeth grew up knowing that the man she called Dad wasn't her biological father, but she also grew up believing that the man she believed was didn't want to be part of her life.

Her childhood was fraught with abuse and neglect, and by the time she discovered the truth, she already had strained relationships with her parents and siblings.

This is Part 1 of Elizabeth's story.

Part 1

In this episode, Elizabeth shares what she learned after taking her test, that her conception was the result of sex trafficking and that her mother did not know who her father was.

Thanks to modern DNA testing, Elizabeth was able to find her biological father but had been unable to make direct contact with him.

She was on the verge of sending letters to her siblings but had no idea what would happen next.

Thank you for sharing your story, Elizabeth.

My name's Elizabeth, I am 53 years old and I live in Colorado.

Story 2

My NPE happened in April.

I had decided to take a 23 Andme test because growing up I was always told that my birth certificate father wasn't my father, who is my mom's first husband.

She had my older sister and then about 21 months later she had me.

But while she was pregnant with me, she had left him and had in that process met my stepfather.

My birth certificate father said Nope, she's not mine, she's his.

But my mom put her first husband's name on my birth certificate because they were still married.

My mom ended up marrying the man she met while she was pregnant with me became my stepdad.

They had two other kids so I have two younger sisters and then my older sister.

We never considered ourselves half siblings.

We were just sisters.

We weren't particularly close growing up, but the half sibling was never anything that ever came up.

My mom was young.

She was 24 with four kids.

She didn't have child support for my birth certificate father and she did not have a husband that worked, so she was the sole supporter.

We were really poor.

My stepdad was extremely abusive and I was called him dad.

I was told from I don't know what age that he wanted to be on my birth certificate but my mom wouldn't let him and he wanted to be my dad.

When I was 8 or 9 I remember thinking I wonder if my dad, my birth certificate dad would want me.

Now, I don't know how long I knew this about my paternity.

I just always knew it.

Speaker 4

So at 8 years old, you remember thinking my birth certificate dad, who you believed was your biological father, didn't want you.

So is that what your mom actually said?

Your dad doesn't want you?

OK.

Can you remember how you felt about that as a child?

I think.

Up until I was eight or nine, it wasn't a big deal to me because I considered my stepdad, my dad, even though he was very abusive.

I didn't, I guess I didn't really think that much about it.

Life was really miserable and I thought maybe he'll come get me and and so that's really kind of my first memory of thinking about it, but I don't know when I was told about.

It.

And when I went to my mom and I said do you think my dad would want me now?

And she said no.

I was like, Dang, you know, I was really dejecting because I, you know, I had this fantasy going on that maybe this man actually did want me and he would take me away from all of this garbage.

And so I never talked to her about it again after that.

We were had a very chaotic household, a lot of moving and instability.

Sometimes it was like, come on, pack your bags were moving kind of thing.

There wasn't ever like notice sometimes we're moving from state to state.

Once we got into school, we stayed more in the same area and then in the same town where we stayed in the same school system.

So that was better.

My older sister.

She was very abusive to me as well and she just had it out for me from my earliest, earliest memories.

And she would do things to get me in trouble with my stepdad because then my stepdad would inflict painful punishments and when he wasn't around then she would do it.

My mom was just.

I'm just going to say she was checked out.

I can understand in a lot of ways how overwhelmed she must have been without any monetary support from her current husband and her ex-husband and being so.

Young.

And her mother had been abusive.

And then I knew that my birth certificate father had been abusive, but I don't think I knew that till later.

I just felt.

Like my mom never looked at me and I was treated differently than my other sisters.

My sister younger than me is about two years younger, and then my baby sister's five years younger than me.

I was always forced to give up what made me happy to make them happy, and they got in a lot of trouble.

All of them at one point another had been in juvenile detention or group homes or foster homes.

I think my older sister ended up in a mental health institution at a very young age, like 8 or 9 or something like that.

They were just doing things differently than me.

I didn't look like them.

My older sister looked like my mom.

Were you aware of the differences when you were growing up?

Did you think they're treated differently than I am or is it upon reflection?

Yeah, I did, because there were times where my sisters got things really because of their bad behavior that I looked at as like, you're so lucky.

You're so lucky.

You get that.

Because so my older sister, for example, I think I was 10 and she would have been about 12.

She got sent to go live with my aunt.

My mom has two sisters and she, my aunt, was very motherly to me and my sister.

Got to go live with her.

I was devastated.

I was like.

Wait a minute, she gets to act this way and beat me up and do all these things and she gets this prize of it to go live with this mother figure and but then later I learned that she had to drink 4.

Glasses of milk a day.

So I was like, oh, I dodged a bullet on that.

I had to drink milk four times a day.

And then my youngest sister, she got into some trouble and they sent, I don't know if you've ever heard of Boys Town.

It's a group home in Omaha and it's very family oriented.

And she got to, I'm saying she got to go live there.

The state sent her there.

It really just helps kids get on the right track and, you know, be productive citizens in society.

They have a family system model.

And she got a job, she got new clothes, she had a nice bedroom.

I'm like.

Well, what do I need?

To get in trouble to do go do something like this.

So I did notice that and that my my sisters got attention for their negative behaviors and I didn't get any attention because I was quiet and I unless I was stirring trouble which wasn't very often, I didn't really get any my mom's attention.

I got my step dad's attention a lot to more than I needed.

Luckily my mom took her a couple times of leaving him but she finally divorced him when I was 9.

So he wasn't living with us but he was still in the picture for quite a long time.

But the physical abuse then stopped because he wasn't with us anymore.

My mom would tell me.

I was her.

Easy 1 And that's why she didn't pay attention to me.

I was the one she didn't mess up.

Was one of our other favorite.

Things she'd like to say and like.

I think I'm a functioning messed up person, that's the thing.

Yeah, right it.

Doesn't mean, yeah, it doesn't mean that you weren't affected by all of those things, Yeah.

And I yeah.

And so as we're growing up, my older sister got pregnant at 14 by a 23 year old man.

And yeah, I didn't realize how young that was till I had a.

Daughter that was 14.

I was like, Oh my gosh, you know, that was really young and of course we're in a small town.

It was a big scandal.

She ended up moving out and marrying this 23 year old man and they had a wait.

She had to wait till she was 15 and went got married in South Dakota.

And then there was a reception and I look back on that.

How screwed up is that?

That you're having this party for a teenager who got basically statutory raped, you know?

So she.

Moved out and for the first time I did not live with anybody that physically abused me.

So she had moved out and then it was just me and my 2 younger sisters and they just started trickling out of the house and by the time I was a senior in high school, I was the only one living at home.

They had all dropped out.

They gave me a lot of Flack growing up.

They told me, you know, called me names.

They said I was.

Stuck up in a bitch and all this stuff because I wasn't like them.

And I start to really feel like I'm like, gosh, I must.

Be really just a jerk.

Because I'm at or I must be a goody 2 shoes or something because I'm not acting like them and I'm I don't look like them.

I don't look like my mom.

So I graduate high school.

I don't really know what I'm going to do in life, I said to myself, wait a minute.

I was completely miserable.

I'm like, wait a minute, I don't.

Have to live like this forever.

I can have a good husband and a good life and this isn't my life.

This is my mom's life, not mine.

I don't have to have it.

I still lived at home because I didn't really know what I was going to do and my mom and I were more like friends.

We weren't really a mother daughter.

I've been pretty much taking care of myself since I was 11 and I wasn't mad at her.

I from my childhood I felt like she had changed.

She left my stepdad to save me.

She did go on and get like a two year nursing degree and I didn't consider neglect abuse.

I don't think at that.

Time, you know, growing up or I didn't really consider that and I was very detached from my emotions.

I could tell my stories like they weren't mine, and that's not a good thing.

I'm learning now, but so I'm just going on in my life.

I went and got a bachelor's degree in psychology, a master's in Human Services.

I met my soul mate, the man I told myself I was going to meet when I was 14 and got married, moved out, moved about an hour and a half away from my family.

And I like.

In.

Child abuse, I think just from what I've learned from cults, is kind of, it's kind of like being in a cult because you get things normalized that shouldn't be normal.

And you don't realize they're not normal until you start to get away, get farther away, and get out of these situations that your family has created for you.

And you've been sucked into these things and you don't realize they're not right.

And I started kind of realizing like, wait a minute, this isn't right.

About the time I turned 28, I got a phone call from one of my sisters and they told me that my mom started to date my stepdad again.

And I was devastated.

I absolutely lost it.

Everything I had told myself growing up, which I think was really probably what helped me survive this delusion that my mom cared about me and she got me away from this horrible sadistic man, was a.

Lie.

She didn't care about me.

She didn't care what he had done.

Matter of fact, he didn't even really do anything to his own children because they were so little.

But maybe that's because I wasn't his child.

This is the man that your mom married after she had been with your birth certificate father, who she said was not interested in a relationship with you or her.

She then married your stepfather and this was the man who was abusive.

Eventually their relationship ends, but then much later she begins dating him again.

Right, yes, and he was the only dad I knew, but I knew he.

Wasn't my dad I I actually in life would refer to him as by his first name.

I stopped calling him dad about the time I was 14 because he made a pass at me and wanted me to come stay the night with him while his girlfriend was at work.

Then I was like, oh, I guess I'm not your daughter.

And I never talked to him again after that.

So he hadn't been in my life in about 10 years.

I had not seen him.

And then I find out that my mom started dating him, and then she eventually remarried him.

And that just set a path for my mom and I to have a very difficult relationship for the last 25 years.

And what it did was it stirred up this trauma I didn't realize I had.

It woke up all of this stuff I was holding in my body but I didn't recognize.

I didn't realize what was happening.

I didn't understand how trauma can affect your body.

Or even though I have this master's degree in Human Services, we didn't talk.

About that stuff.

And so I didn't understand that my mental health was being affected because I just had this whole body visceral reaction to what my that my mom.

How could a?

Mother, go and live and be with a man.

Who was so horribly abusive to her children.

I just couldn't understand it.

And I was going to cut her out of my life.

But then.

I found out I was pregnant and so I was like, well, I really don't want to deny my future child of their grandmother.

So I just maintained a very difficult relationship.

I just want to say my mom doesn't criticize me.

She doesn't.

Talk mean to me.

She doesn't talk down to me.

But what she does is if I bring anything up that's bothering me about my childhood, she will turn it around and gaslight me and she'll lie and she'll attack me and make it I'm the bad.

Guy.

It's a complicated thing because she's a better.

Grandmother than she was a mother.

And I know we hear that a lot about parents and grandparents, but also she's not mean all the time.

And so it's.

Not like I don't want to talk to you anymore because all you do is criticize me and say nasty things.

So I kept going with her and I just felt like I was walking in a fog.

And that was kind of how my whole childhood was.

I just was basically in survival mode most of my childhood into my teens.

And then I kind of snapped out of it a little bit in my young adulthood.

Now I'm right back into it.

I had my daughter, I had complications after having her.

I ended up having AC section and I felt my mental health crash on the table.

It was this whole visceral reaction, and now I know so much more about trauma and how it affects the body.

And looking back on that, I think having that abdominal surgery, it just woke up this monster in me that I've been holding on to forever.

And it just took over.

And it had my mental health for over a year.

And I never thought to ask for help because I never got help when I was a kid.

I just had to suffer and I had to deal with my own pain and I had to deal with my own tragic losses.

And I didn't get help with those things.

And my husband would have helped me.

Of course, my husband put up so much and I but I didn't think to ask.

And I just feel like that was all this trauma that it, that just and it and it's affecting my relationship with my mom.

It sounds like, you know, when we hear this, it's trauma is not only what happened, but what didn't happen.

Trauma and the relationship with your mom

And your mom, I hear you say she didn't say anything mean to you or you know, those kinds of things.

But it also sounds like she she wasn't there for you in a lot.

Of ways going through my married life, I end up with four miscarriages and my last daughter.

I went through some tests.

I had found out I had a congenital kidney abnormality and so I did not know that.

I did not know that I had a right enlarged kidney and a shrilled up left kidney in my pelvis.

My mom knows.

All this whole stuff.

So this is what I'm building up to is.

Why the heck would my mom tell me about my paternity when I have all these things that are wrong with me?

I have autoimmune disorder.

I sound like a train wreck but honestly I don't feel like 1.

I just when I felt I.

I have met Elizabeth in person.

She's not a train wreck.

I don't, I, I say when I see a new Doctor, I'm like, Oh my gosh, do I really have to?

I end up getting just several different kinds of illnesses.

In 20 January 2022, I was diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukemia.

It's.

A.

Treatable leukemia, but not curable.

But it's also not a death sentence.

My immediate concern was how likely are my girls going to inherit this?

And of course, the special says, what's your medical history, your family?

I'm like, I can't tell you on my dad's side, but he has four other children from three other women.

I have contact with two of those boys.

We have somewhat of a relationship and I figured my mom would know if there was some, you know, leukemia in that side of the family and stuff.

So I'm like, I don't think there's any leukemia there.

And he's.

Like, oh, probably just 1% increased chance than the normal population.

So I'm telling my mom this when I told her about my cancer diagnosis.

Oh, that's really good.

That's only, that's really good.

That's only 1% chance.

Increase, you know.

This is my biggest sticking point is that my mom did not care enough about my children or me.

To have the courage to tell me about my paternity.

Because at this point you're still completely assuming that your biological father is your birth certificate father, and she just played along when you presented her with that.

Yep, and over the years, many times I've said I think I just want to do adna test with one of these boys.

I don't talk to my older sister.

I haven't talked to her in 16 years.

This is even before home DNAI said.

I just want to stop being this persons unclaimed child.

I don't want to be in his life.

He's weird.

My sister found him when we were 18.

She basically manipulated me into meeting him.

It's like, why would I want to meet a man that doesn't claim me?

And he still didn't claim me.

And guess what?

I don't look anything like him.

My sister does.

And I've heard enough from these other boys that were supposed to be my half siblings that it backs up the stories that my mom says about him, that he's, you know, an abusive man and not a good person.

So I didn't.

Really want anything to do with him anyway, So I over the years, I tell my mom I might just you know, I might do a test.

Well, you know, and then I'm sick or this or that's happening.

So I never did one.

And I go back and forth back and forth on it for many years.

And matter of fact, I think like a year ago I said to my mom, I said, Are you sure I'm not my step dad's daughter?

Because I'm still feeling something isn't right.

But I couldn't figure out where it wouldn't be right because the timeline of my mom leaving my birth certificate, father meeting my stepdad at 16, meeting her future next husband at 17 and so on.

I'm like, I don't where would there have been another person?

Something isn't.

Right, but I don't know what it is and.

She says no, no, he's not.

You're not his.

Clearly you were feeling strongly that something wasn't right, so that was another opportunity for her.

Yes, she even sat down with me a few years ago to explain why she parented the way she did.

And she says I'm not making excuses.

My sisters didn't turn do these things that I have done.

And she started talking about just all these different reasons that abuse that she endured and it's not.

And she never mentioned my paternity at that time.

And I thought it was a really good conversation, like we were connecting at some level for the first time and it would have been a great opportunity for her to tell me that, but she did not.

I ended up finally taking the plunge to do the test because I'm a yoga teacher, which you know, that.

And I in the last year got certified for trauma informed yoga.

And then through learning about all the, the way trauma affects your body and this and that.

And I was like, you know what, this paternity question mark is really harder on me than I thought.

And I can do something about that and I can just answer that question and move on from that piece of trauma.

In March, I ordered the test.

I sent it in and early April, I got it back.

And I was all excited.

I was like, I just going to see my maiden name pop up and move on.

I didn't tell my mom.

Only people knew were my husband and my kids, my best friend.

And then I have a friend in the genealogy.

And so I told her about it, but it was just for me.

I I didn't want a part of my birthday father's life.

I just wanted to know the answer for sure.

Still did not think there was any way my mom could be lying about this.

And I get it and I'm looking at it and I don't know what I'm looking at.

And 1st I see my traits and I'm like, well, this is really cool.

I mean, I already know I can I eat asparagus and I smell it and I pee, but who's my daddy?

I'm like, what is this?

I don't you know, I just don't know what I'm looking at. 23 me makes a tree for you, which I didn't know that, but it said here's your tree.

So I click on it but it wasn't loading.

I finally get it to load and then it took me some time to figure out which side was paternal and then maternal because it doesn't label it.

I figure out the.

Paternal side, I was like who are these people?

There isn't anybody here with my maiden name.

I I had two close matches.

They were brother and sister, my first cousins, paternal first cousins, brother and sister.

And the woman had surnames listed on her page, so I could see those.

And so one of those surnames, I had many, many matches in my list to that surname.

I'm like, who the heck are these people?

And my first thought was my birth certificate father had been adopted and either didn't know it or didn't tell anybody.

And this was actually his family and or his mother had an affair and passed him off as somebody else's child.

I messaged these people.

I wanted to know if they knew my birth certificate father.

I got his mother's name from my mom because I started asking her.

I started asking her questions about my birth certificate, father's tree, or And so I was feeding those to my friend and the genealogy and she was building a tree for me.

And I didn't want to tell my mom.

I just wanted to figure out, Oh, yeah, this is actually my birth certificate, father's family and be done with it.

I finally got in touch with these first cousins, and they were kind.

They were bewildered and excited all at the same time.

They said, we don't know these people, but let me talk to my mom.

She would know more.

They asked me where I was born, so I told them that.

And then they said our uncle was in the Navy, 100 miles away from where you were born, so he must be your father.

I was like, what?

It's not possible?

Like how in the world would my mom, being married to an abusive man, get 100 miles away from him to meet somebody else?

And I thought, there's just something, there's an explanation for this other than this man is my father.

And so unbeknownst to me, their mom was also on 23 me, but her account was private.

She opened that up to the public and then popped up.

She messaged me on Facebook.

I had, I had actually messaged one of her daughter's, her daughter on Facebook because they weren't checking into their 23andMe and I didn't have the patience for them to wait.

So I messaged them on Facebook too.

And so I was messaging with her daughter on Facebook and then her mom messages me and she said.

Hi, I'm your aunt.

Welcome to the family.

It's like.

Whoa.

I don't know what's happening here.

I was like which it was nice.

But you're not believing necessarily that this is, I mean, I know you're seeing the results, but are you accepting it?

Are you trying to piece it together?

Like what is your reaction?

I mean, I knew I was related to them.

My friends, like DNA doesn't lie, you know, It's, it's, it's your DNA.

Your test is right.

So I knew it was right, but I couldn't, I couldn't wrap my head around that, this woman thought.

Her brother was my father and it because I couldn't figure out any storyline.

That it made sense.

And I don't have a good track record with family being kind to me.

So I'm very really, you know, leery and just because we're blood related, I don't, you know, have a family connection with you.

But she was very kind and she said the timeline fits.

And she has one other brother.

He was 16 at the time, living on the opposite side of the country.

So highly unlikely that it was him.

Her brother that was in the Navy was in for four years.

He would have been 20 the year I was born.

I like this just doesn't make sense.

And she says, well, do you think your mom told my brother that she was pregnant?

I said, I don't know.

I don't know you people.

I didn't even know you existed.

I have no idea.

I gave her a picture, my aunt, a picture of my mom holding me at 20 months old.

And I asked her to show it to her brother and see if he recognized me.

She said she showed it to him and that he did not.

Well, while she was showing him that picture, I decided I was going to talk, call and ask my mom because I was supposed to go visit her.

She was at my sister's apartment in Nebraska and I was supposed to go visit my mom in five days.

And I was like, I've got to figure this out before I go.

I mean, not like what she says.

So first thing I did was called my sister.

She's the only sister I talked to.

She's actually cut me out after all of this because I upset our mother.

But I told her, I said, you're not going to believe this.

You're not going to believe what I found out.

And she's like, Oh my gosh.

Well, don't tell mom till her trip is over so her trip doesn't get ruined.

I was like, oh, yeah, yeah.

And then I hung up.

I'm like, wait a minute.

This is the kind of crap you people did to me when I was a kid that I had to put my needs behind everybody else's to not upset anybody else.

I was like, uh, uh, I'm asking.

I'm not, I'm not waiting.

I'm not going to go visit her and act like nothing's wrong and then wait until she goes back to her place in Washington and then call her and ask her.

So I messaged her and I said, could you call me when you have privacy?

And so she called me at me video chat and I said I did adna test and do you know how I'm related to these people?

And she couldn't look at, she didn't look at me.

But she said.

I was hoping you would never find this out.

Your birth certificate.

Father sex trafficked.

Me.

She said some things I didn't need to know and I can't Unsee.

And then she in the course of the conversation, because I thought my biological father had assaulted her and she said no, If he was in the Navy, then he would have met me.

I was forced to prostitute by the Navy base, so that's where he would have met me.

That was a different scenario.

So he probably thought it was consensual.

He was 20, you know, 1970, sign of the times kind of a thing.

I don't think he had any malice or anything like that.

What are you thinking when she tells you this?

Couldn't wrap my head around all of it.

I mean, my immediate reaction was complete compassion for my mom.

Even though my mom does lie, I don't think she was lying about most of her story.

In my mind, she was forced to like my birth certificate.

Father drove her up there, stood on the corner, stood Overwatch and all this.

But she might have been forced because she needed money because he wouldn't give her money in that capacity where she made a choice to do that versus, you know, because she maybe knew somebody that was doing it and could make good make money and she needed money.

She had told me one time that she used to have to steal money when he was sleeping because he wouldn't give her money to feed my sister.

And so it could have very well been that she knew that was a way she could make money quick and that's what she chose to do, but she felt forced because she needed money.

I don't know if that scenario is true, but it's a plausible scenario.

But either way, she felt forced into it, like she didn't have a choice.

And so I just, I was home alone and I just lost it.

I was like, what are you telling me?

And then she went on to say that she had told her younger sister and my godmother, my mom's best friend, a long time ago, that she didn't know who my father was.

And she just put my birth certificate, father's name, on my birth certificate because she was still married to him.

I was so upset that these two people that I thought cared about me would know this secret.

And I know I think about it, it's a slippery slope on if, if it's not your child or you're not the raised parent or any of that to go and tell somebody else's child, hey, you might want to look into this or something.

But they could have easily swayed my mom into telling me easily and they didn't.

And so I was so upset with them.

I've known my godmother since I was 6.

And so I was really upset with that and I immediately just said, I'm going to keep your secret.

I'm not going to tell anybody.

I can't wait to see you.

I just felt like it was all about her and, and rightly so.

I mean, it was like from because in that moment, I learned my mom had been sex trafficked.

I didn't the person who is supposed to be my father isn't, which wasn't really a loss.

And I was conceived in prostitution and I was just like, I couldn't, I, I just had a meltdown and I, I didn't talk to my mom, not because I was mad at her.

I just didn't know what to say.

And she checked in with me the next day and how are you doing?

And she was fine.

She just says, I'm fine.

I'm really, you know, I've had 53 years to process all of this.

I've had lots of therapy.

I'm fine.

And, and, and how are you feeling?

Because this, this, you know, sex work, all of that.

And, you know, the fact that she felt forced into it, especially, there could be a lot of shame associated with that.

Are any of those feelings coming up for you at that time?

At first, yes, I deleted my 23andMe account.

I was like, I don't want anybody else to find me.

I don't want I don't want anybody else to know me.

I don't want to know these people.

I don't want, you know, and I just freaked out and I deleted my account.

And as I'm processing and I think for me, I, my mind changed on how I felt every hour, every day, I had a different feeling, a different thought on this situation.

And then what I learned in your retreat that I didn't know then, but I know now, my manager came out to play and decided that I needed to have some control.

I have a big manager.

And for people who don't know what Elizabeth is talking about, we're talking about parts.

So this all relates to IFS or internal family systems and how we all have parts of ourselves that work to protect us.

And one of the parts that we learned about at the retreat was the manager part.

And if you're curious about more of that, I recorded an episode with Megan and you can go back and listen.

But yeah, sorry to sorry to interrupt.

You no good?

No, that's good.

So I was like 3 days in to all of this and I thought, wait a minute, my mom's only 72.

I can't live the rest of her life being my birth certificate, Father's unclaimed child and now this child that was conceived in prostitution with this family I never knew, you know being connected to this family, I never know.

This said I can't do both of these things and I thought I need to tell these two half brothers that I am not their sister.

That is the only power I have.

In hindsight, I could have waited.

I still would have done it, but I should have waited.

Even though my mom said she was fine, I don't really think she was fine because I just had this epiphany the other day that my mom wanted me to be my birth certificates daughter.

What's that say?

I would rather you be the daughter of a sex trafficker than a daughter of a, a John.

So she had to realize, oh gosh, I really did have a child in prostitution.

And so I just had that aha moment the other day and I don't even know if she, I think she's detached from she has anger.

That's all she has.

My mom doesn't have compassion.

She has anger.

And so she wasn't angry at first with me, but I thought, you know, my mom lives in the vicinity of her first husband, her abuser, and she can gather enough strength to go to weddings and 1st birthday parties, have her great grandchildren with this man there and have family pictures taken.

She should have enough strength for me to be able to tell these boys I'm not their sister.

But of course, I didn't tell them my conception story.

And but for me to tell my these men that I'm not their sister meant that my sister was going to find out.

And so I didn't want to blind side my mom in that way.

So I sent her a message.

I thought it was heartfelt and I just said I can't keep living a lie of being my birth certificates unclaimed child anymore.

I want to tell these boys, but when I do, my sister's going to find out.

So I just wanted to let you know and if you want time to talk to her, I can wait.

She flipped her lid.

He started attacking me.

I thought you were his child.

There was nothing to tell.

You were so intense for 25 years.

Why would I tell you anything?

And she just came unglued.

That just set off a whole chain of turbulence with my mom.

And she was so mad at me.

And I was like, how can you be mad at me?

I'm struggling so bad here.

Why aren't you being my mother and supporting me?

And I just wrote back and I said, mom, sometimes mothers have to do things that are uncomfortable for their daughters, you know, and she just couldn't see anything.

She's never been able to see anything.

From my point of view, I'm learning that I think she's a narcissist.

And so it makes and it, and I look this up, it makes so much sense.

And then my behaviors as a daughter from a narcissistic mother makes sense.

And so I've just uncovered this in the last few weeks, learning this about her and then my sister, she was on, she was there when all this was happening.

My mom is very good at hitting us all against each other.

So now my that's why my sister quit talking to me because I have her, our mom.

I just couldn't deal and I quit talking to her for I don't know, maybe it was a week.

And then in the middle of the night I thought I have to tell her I forgive her for my childhood.

And I do now because I understand it doesn't make it right what she did, but I understand now and I do forgive her for that.

I still have the scars and the trauma to process from that.

And I'm not forgiving her for how she's treating me now because she's not a young 24 year old woman with no child support and taking care of four kids and recently freshly out of two abusive relationships and all that.

She's a 72 year old Christian woman who cares deeply for her children but me and her grandchildren.

And I'm not forgiving her for how she's treating me today.

And so we're back on speaking terms a little bit.

I talked to my aunt and my godmother just a couple weeks ago.

I had not planned on doing that.

I was like, you're not coming to graduation.

And you're not nothing.

So I was so mad at them, and my aunt called me out of the blue, and she only calls on my birthday or when something's wrong with my mom.

So I answered the phone and she just wanted to chat.

I was like, oh, well, I have you on the phone.

Did you know that mom didn't know for sure who my father was?

And she's like, yeah, I knew that.

And then I start crying.

I said, why didn't you tell me?

And she apologized and she explained her situation at that time when she was told, and she felt bad.

And I just unloaded on her and like, this is your sister and this is the stuff she's been doing.

And finally, I just like, OK, I'm sorry.

I wasn't mad at her.

I was just kind of like, it just opened up this whole wound of my mom's stuff that she put on me.

So I thought, well, I'm on a roll, I guess I'll message my godmother.

And I asked her the same question.

She says, I knew, please forgive me.

I'm sorry.

Is it, how are you OK?

What can I do?

How can I help?

I'm like, Oh my gosh, can you put some of those words in my mom's mouth?

Because I didn't get any of that when this all came out and I still haven't.

Yeah, I mean, your mom, she's, she says she's kind of OK and she's had all this time to process it.

Do you think that it brought up a lot of trauma for her, whether or not she's willing to face that?

No, because she's going to these, not often, and I know it was hard for her, but she's going to these events where he's there.

There.

My niece got married a few years ago and my mom is in a family picture with him.

So this isn't something she's buried.

This is something that she's lived with.

I truly think that it's about appearances for her.

It's about not being the squeaky clean grandma that she portrays herself to be, and it's about her image and she cannot see that.

It's my trauma.

She just can't see it.

It's about her.

She doesn't want to be perceived as a liar.

She doesn't want to be perceived as a bad mother and she doesn't want to be perceived as promiscuous.

And so by saying, oh, I have 4 kids with three different men, what does that mean?

Right.

And of course, her story, it's it's not a good story.

It's not a story anybody would want to tell about themselves.

And so I understand that.

But she didn't have to tell that story to anybody.

We were willing to shield that part of your story.

And I haven't told anybody in our family her story.

I know her older sister doesn't know.

And that's not that's not my place to tell my aunt about my mom's story, her other sister that doesn't know.

And I wouldn't tell her grandkids, my nieces and nephews.

I didn't tell my former half brothers anything other than we weren't related.

I'm not putting it on Facebook.

I'm not posting anything publicly about this.

I'm really trying to be protective of what happened to her because it's not lost on me that it was a crime and that she was traumatized.

And I think she is still traumatized by it today.

But she has.

She's a strong woman.

She's a very strong woman.

She kept 4 kids alive.

She didn't raise 4 kids.

But going through everything she went through and still taking care of children.

I, there are days where I'm like, I don't know how I can do this with my spouse.

This is so exhausting being a parent.

And then I just think, well, my mom did it, you know, by yourself and suck it up.

You know, you can do it.

And so I do have a lot of compassion for that.

What happened to her?

So we're basically right now very minimal talking through chat.

I haven't talked to her on like video chat.

My godmother did talk to her and I think she was able to.

She gave my mom some tools and some words to say.

And I sent my mom a message and I just told her what I needed from her.

And I have to be really careful with my words.

I can't say you neglected me.

I have to say you didn't pay attention to me.

I can't say you attack me when I ask you questions or I bring up something from my childhood.

I have to say we argue.

And because those are all things that will cause her to attack me.

So I just have to choose which those are.

You know, those are harsh words.

And if you can come up with better ways of saying it, it's going to keep the lines of communications open.

Hopefully.

It's effective communication.

And I really have to draw upon my minimal interpersonal communication skills when I address anything with my mom.

So I sent my mom this message and I said these are the things I need from you.

I listed the things I need.

And the one last things I said is you're going to need to understand that you're not going to be welcome at my house for a very long time.

Because as bad as you think I was to you when you were here, I was 5000% worse to my family.

And they never once said we don't want grandma to come because what was happening, I'll go back to the manager again, is when my mom was around, my manager would come in and it was trying to control my nervous system and everything around me.

And if anything was out of place, I'd blow up or this that.

But usually not at my mom, mostly at my kids and my husband.

And even though I knew she couldn't hurt me, my nervous system didn't know that.

And so it was kicking in to my stress response when she was around and she didn't say anything or do anything that was mean or hurtful.

It just I have not processed all my trauma and my body knows that and I said I'm not going to do that to my family anymore.

They never once said you could not come or they didn't want you to come and I was harder on them than you and I'm not going to do it to them anymore, she wrote back.

And she said, I'm sorry, I should have told you I was wrong.

And I will do whatever I can to help you get through this.

I was like, oh, my godmother's good.

She.

Get a lot of good.

Words And so it didn't it, it didn't feel sincere because I knew those weren't her words.

But she also is trying, you know, she's also trying.

But then I say, well how much of it is she doesn't want to look like a bad mother versus she really wants to show me that she cares.

As far as the DNA part goes, I have tried to contact who I think is my biological father and he's denying the results.

My aunt who is welcome to the family, very nice and kind, is now not happy with me because I decided to reach out to her brother and she's not cut me off.

She hasn't blocked me on Facebook or anything.

If I have a question she'll respond.

I understand I can.

I have respect for her wanting to protect her brother.

I just wish that I felt like she wasn't trying to manage me and keep me contained and as a dirty little secret in a Facebook Messenger chat.

I also was able to, after messaging a bunch of DNA matches, I got a response from a second cousin who then put me in touch with his father.

And I was so nervous.

I was like, is he going to tell me to leave his family alone?

It's a big family.

My paternal father was one of 11 kids and then my paternal grandmother was one of five.

And there's just a it's a big family.

And he and his wife were so nice and so validating and immediately gave me medical information that I'm going to take to my specialist next.

Week.

He grew up with my presumed biological father.

I call him that because I don't have DNA evidence so I'm leery about saying he is, but I'm 99% sure that he is.

He told me about their family dynamics and that and they're also my biological father and his wife are Mormon, which is another variable I didn't see coming.

So I don't think that I will ever be accepted by him or will he test.

I said, hey, I said I have this picture, I'm going to text it to you.

Tell me if I look like anybody in your family that I'm on speakerphone with him and his wife immediately.

Holy shit, you are related.

That was so validating to just like I look like somebody.

Whether I belong in that family, I don't know.

Whether they accept me, I don't know.

But I finally look like a family member or somebody and he accepts me as his cousin.

If I have questions, he answers me right away.

He's supportive of me reaching out to six potential half siblings.

I do not think they know about me.

He's encouraged me to reach out to them.

That was something I really didn't want to do.

I didn't want to be the one that told them about me.

I was hoping that maybe they would get wind of it through all of the people that I've been messaging.

And so those letters are going out probably on Wednesday with pictures of me and copies of my DNA match and a letter introducing myself.

The guidance has been in the DNA surprise community is you kind of build up to asking them to test.

Well, I'm just asking because I don't know that they'll open anything else I send them and I don't want to write 6 people again.

And then I'm also going to reach out on social media and send that information to them that way as well so they'll get it twice.

And I have had people say, oh, it's better to call for sure.

There's benefits to that.

It didn't work with my potential biological father, but I feel like it's such a, it's going to be such a big shock.

At least this might give them an opportunity to, you know, they can process it and think about what they want to say and they're not put on the spot, you know, having to say something back.

You're 99% sure that you know who your biological father is.

Are you comfortable with this level of confirmation?

Or is the reason why you're really pushing, you know to reach out to your siblings because you want that 100% sure you know the answer?

Yes, I because for 53 years I have been not claimed.

The whole point of me doing the test was to stop that question mark when I just have a different question mark with a different family and a different man.

And it's still that need to have 100% confirmation.

If he even would have just said, yeah, that was me, I'd have been fine with that.

If I can't get any of these siblings to test, my next step will be his brother.

His brother has two adult children.

And my cousin thought that maybe one of those two might test.

And so then they would be, if they would test them, that would rule them out as my half siblings.

And then I would just know.

And then that I would just have to live with that without having actual concrete evidence.

But I'm so determined to get absolute answer.

But I know that that may not be achievable and I'll just have to be at peace with that.

And if that comes to where I can't get anyone to test, then that's just the way it's going to be.

He might have other, he might have other kids out there.

He was in the Navy for four years.

Yeah.

Else could pop up at any point.

So that's where I'm at.

It's a journey.

I appreciate you for letting me tell my story.

Yeah, absolutely.

What has helped you so far as you've been navigating this?

What has helped you so far?

Well, definitely the DNA Surprise community has been extremely helpful.

That was a happy accident finding you guys because I didn't know you existed.

It's just kind of your network of people and it's kind of finding each one of you at one time.

And the online support groups that are offered are very helpful and talking with people that have been on their journey for a long time and have experience.

My family, my husband and I don't talk to my kids a lot about what I'm going through because I don't want to put that on them.

I mean, they know that I'm having a hard time and they know that you know what?

They know what happened.

And my mom asked me, do they know?

And I said, Oh yeah, no more secrets.

I'm not going to leave them to discover this later.

They know and but I don't really talk to them.

My poor husband, I hate that I talked to him way more about it than I probably should.

I'm working with a life coach who's getting trained as an NPE life coach, but she's also a therapist.

But she doesn't give me therapy because she's not licensed in my state.

But she's been amazing.

And I just found a new trauma therapist and we're going to work on my childhood trauma that I haven't processed yet and telling my story.

I'm not going to be ashamed of it.

I'm going to tell it.

I'm going to guard my mom's side as much as I can.

I'm trying to turn it into a positive.

So if telling my story can prompt someone to tell their child they're keeping a DNA secret from them, or help somebody who's going through a DNA surprise for the first time, or help somebody who's been a victim of assault or sex trafficking, that I'm going to do it because I'm not a victim and I'm not going to be a victim.

And I'm not going to wear this on my sleeve and it's not going to define me.

And it's got to be worth something.

What has happened here has to be worth something, and it has to be worth something good.

And so that's.

My goal and also kind of back to knowing for sure who my biological father is, is I want to change my birth certificate.

And so if I could get absolute proof he would as my father, I would probably maybe put him down as my birth father.

But I'm definitely want to take my birth certificate father's name off and change my maiden name to my grandfather's last name.

So that's another reason why I really want to try to get.

Proof.

What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child?

Advice for a parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child

Tell your child as soon as it's age appropriate, whatever you think the damage might be by telling them it's going to be much more damaging when, not if, they find out that you've been holding the secret from them.

The betrayal trauma for me has been the hardest part of this and worse than finding out how it was conceived.

They probably already suspect.

And I know there I've heard stories of people that didn't, but many stories of people that already suspected.

And they're questioning things and they're wondering why they feel different.

And they need to be validated.

And it's a parent's job to put their child's well-being above their own and to protect them.

And if you think keeping the secret is protecting your child, it's not.

It's only protecting you because your child is going to find out someday, and maybe when you're gone.

And then what?

I feel for the people who everybody who knows the answers are gone.

And as ugly as my conception is, the truth is much better than the lie.

What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise?

Advice for someone who just uncovered adna surprise

I really am thinking about this because taking time to process I did not do that.

I was very reactive and even though everything I did, I would still have done if everything hadn't been fresh when I was trying to make decisions, I could have handled those decisions better.

And I mean, even 2-3 months in, I probably shouldn't have been making decisions, but I just like to get things done.

And so I was trying to get everything done.

And now I look back five months later and I think, oh, that was, I was really rushing things and I should have just kind of waited and then find people that will support you.

You're going to find people that don't understand and they're going to say things that are hurtful.

So just pivot and go find those people that support you.

There are a lot of wonderful Facebook support groups and you could get into there and find people who can help you process some of what you're going through.

I've been doing the like I think I said earlier, a couple online support groups for DNA surprises and they've been those people have been so wonderful.

Find people like that.

Find groups that can help you navigate these uncharted waters that you didn't see common.

Elizabeth, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

You have had such a complex journey and I really respect the way that you've approached it with compassion and empathy and understanding, but also make sure that you're taking care of yourself and your own boundaries as you navigate this.

So I hope that you get some answers really soon and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward.

Thank you, Alexis.

I appreciate you.

Thanks again to Elizabeth for sharing her story.

You may be wondering what happened after she sent off those letters.

Listen to Part 2 to find out.

If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share.

Submit your story at dnasurprises.com.

For early Add free access to episodes.

Join me on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises.

Until next time.

This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.