Tamara’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

It is such an emotional roller coaster, for lack of a better phrase.

I always think with every rejection that like I get better at accepting it until the next one comes and I'm like, Dang it.

My husband tells me now like manager expectations.

Like anytime something happens, he's like manager expectations.

Like I'm trying and I think I'm doing a good job at it until, you know, until something happens.

And then it's just a little bit.

It's a little bit heartbreaking.

We're always told like our moms are supposed to be the people that love us the most and would do anything for us.

And I clearly don't have that because my mom can't even be honest with me.

So to expect anything more from strangers, this is kind of crazy to me.

But somehow, even as even as I always say I'm a pessimist, I'm clearly not because I'm always so optimistic that somebody's going to help.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

Imagine uncovering your DNA surprise, experiencing the shock and devastation that comes with it, and then learning that the surprise wasn't a total surprise after all.

Earlier this season, we heard a story like this, and in this week's episode, you'll hear another.

When Tamara confronted her mom about her DNA surprise, she was shocked to learn that they'd already discussed it when she was younger.

For some reason, the memory didn't stick with her, and when she learned the truth, it came back to her.

Yet, she still had to contend with this revelation as though she was hearing it for the first time.

Tamara details her search for her biological father after being given incorrect information and facing roadblocks from her found family.

Just before we recorded our interview, she got a surprise that gave her the answers she was looking for.

Thank you for sharing your story, Tamara.

My name is Tamara, I am 49 years old and I live in Redlands, CA.

My surprise is like a lot that I've heard on Black Friday.

In 2022, my family and I decided to go ahead and purchase ancestry kits for myself, my husband, and our two kids.

Our son had been wanting to do it for like a few years, but it is so expensive that we just never did, and we saw a great sale on Black Friday, so we went ahead and did it.

So we took them in January and sent our results off in January 2023.

And when my results came back in February, I saw like some matches and I knew like some maternal names.

But my parents have been divorced since I was five years old.

I was born in Texas originally.

When I was 5, my parents got divorced and my mom moved my sister and I back to her hometown in California.

I didn't see my dad a lot.

I call my dad my dad because that's what he is.

And so I didn't know a lot about his family.

So when I didn't see his name or his like his surname or whatever, like I didn't think a big deal.

I didn't think anybody in his family would take it.

And I didn't really know a lot of surname.

But I started putting my family tree together anyways and I got stuck and I got into denial real quick about what the possibility of what's happening, what's happening.

I, I got to a great grandmother and I did what people do and I was like, I think maybe this person like had a kid and gave it up for adoption or something.

And that's why this other surname is so prominent in my DNA matches.

Kind of starting to do the like mental gymnastics to make it make sense.

Big time.

So I was like, you know what, I'm going to go to the source.

I'm going to reach out to my dad and ask him like, hey, is there anything weird?

Like did your grandma or great grandma give a kid up for adoption that you know about?

And you know, he's older, right?

He didn't text me back.

He called me when he called me, he was like, hey, what are you?

Why are you asking?

And I said, well, I did Ancestry and I would like to, you know, finish all my tree.

And he said, oh, honey, like, just let me give you my username and password.

I did Ancestry in 2014.

Just pull all the information off my tree and my world crashed immediately.

I made an excuse to hang up very quickly and then I cried for probably two or three days because we weren't a match on there and I knew that he wasn't my biological father.

At that point.

It took me that was like February 19th.

I worked on it for 10 days like thinking this great grandma had given somebody up and I didn't call him back for like another week and 1/2 or two weeks.

And I just told him like, we don't match on there.

And denial isn't just for the just for the person going through the DNA surprise as the kid, because my dad, as sweet as he is, my dad goes, maybe they're just behind, Like, maybe it hasn't matched us yet.

And I knew that wasn't the case 'cause my kids came up immediately with me and all these other matches did too.

But he told me, you know, like not to despair and just maybe they were behind.

So I waited like another week, and then I called him back and I said, Dad, I don't think that, you know, I don't think you're my biological father.

At that point, he said that he had known there was a possibility because he had heard that my mother had had affairs.

But you know, when I was born, the day I was born, he held me and I was his, and I always would be.

What did you think when you learned that he kind of knew that there was a possibility?

Did you know that your mom had had an affair?

Anything like that?

I was so young when my parents got divorced that I don't even really remember them being married.

My mom always told us that my dad was unfaithful and I didn't really hear stories about my mom being unfaithful because she wasn't going to share that part.

But if didn't surprise me.

My dad just said like they were young when they got married and I shouldn't blame anybody.

So I want to say I was surprised, but probably like, what is it called?

Like the known unknown or the unknown known?

Yeah, the unknown.

Yeah.

I am the person that doesn't look like my sibling my my sister at all for she has brown hair, brown eyes just like our dad and I have blonde hair and blue eyes just like nobody.

My sister would say I was the milk man's baby when she found out about the DNA surprise.

She apologized very very much for that.

My mom did remind me when I finally called her.

I didn't call her for another few weeks.

My dad said if I wanted any information I would have to talk to her.

Which makes sense because why would he know?

I called her and I said I took ancestry.

Do you have anything you want to share?

And she said, why did you do that?

And I said, because we wanted to.

And she reminded me that when I was when I was 13 and I was sharing, sharing with her a secret that I had been holding, she, she chose at that time to say she had a secret too.

And she told me this.

And I had forgotten that that happened until she reminded me on that phone call when I was telling her about the DNA surprise.

And so I guess she's not lying.

She had told me that there was a possibility but it was like 1 instance.

So she did.

So she actually told you like the full like, I had an affair and there's a chance that your dad might not be your biological father.

Yeah, and she and she told me the person's name, that it, that it was.

When she mentioned this to you, did it come back to you?

Did you remember the conversation?

It's so weird having a memory be rediscovered because I literally remember sitting in my room on my bed with my mom at that moment.

It was when I was 13.

It was something devastating that had happened to me that I was sharing with her.

And so that's the memory that I always remembered was that I had told my mom this and I didn't like retain the information or I blocked out the information that she had chosen to share at that time.

It is, it is a bizarre feeling to have that happen.

So Needless to say, the person that she told me that it was, it isn't it wasn't that person.

That person isn't in my DNA matches.

OK, so did.

Were you able to figure that out immediately?

Like did she retell you that person's name when you went and looked and said Nope, that's not it?

Or what happened after you had that conversation?

Yeah, I didn't have real close matches.

The closest match I had on my paternal side was, and I say it's not close, but it really is a second cousin.

So I, without having any genealogy experience, had figured this out pretty well, but I was still holding that name that my mom gave me and looking at the information that I had, and I couldn't figure it out.

And so I reached out to the DNA angels and they somewhat solved my case in 15 minutes.

It was narrowed down to three brothers and none of them were the person that she told me so.

OK, what did you think when you realized that it wasn't the person your mom had told you either?

I was confused as to like why?

She was very specific, like she remembers this man's name first and last she remembers what he did as a job.

She said this person worked with my dad.

All of these like like details from 1975 that were kind of crazy.

So I was confused and upset that she like, obviously there is something else that she's not telling me.

And I don't understand why my parents are no longer married.

They haven't been married for a long time.

Like why?

Why not just come forth and say like, oh, actually is this person.

I am a feminist.

Like her marriage to my dad was what?

That's her marriage to my dad.

And what happened?

Like that's not what happened in their marriage isn't my business.

I don't I don't judge them for having affairs.

I mean, that's why they got divorced.

That makes sense.

I understand it was the 70s and it was Texas and probably, you know, her hands were tied with what she could do, but it's not 1975 Texas anymore.

And I just didn't understand why she couldn't tell me the truth now.

Did you confront her once you had narrowed it down to the three brothers?

I, I did, I called her again and, and said, you know, look, it's, it's one of these three people.

And The funny thing is, is that one of the, one of the three brothers has the same first name as the guy she was telling me, but the last name was different.

The last name was different.

The occupation is different, all of these things.

So I couldn't just go with like, it's definitely probably this guy then, because none of the other details match.

And she was adamant that it was not that last name.

And you know, Ancestry has some crazy things on it.

I was able to find pictures of these guys when they were younger.

I sent her pictures of them and she was like, I've never met any of those guys.

So I was I was left with not knowing my mom was not going to give me the answer.

So it was narrowed down to three brothers and one of them, the youngest one, was already deceased.

So I reached out to the two surviving brothers.

DNA angels have like this letter, or at least my Angel did.

She sent me kind of a form kind of letter that you can personalize.

I personalized it and mailed it off and hoped for something, but unfortunately neither one of them ever returned my correspondence.

So it wasn't looking like I was going to get an answer from either of them either.

I'm not a patient person.

This, this journey has taught me, definitely made me practice patients.

The oldest brother, he didn't have any children, so I wasn't going to be having any luck like ever having somebody, you know, like one of his kids tests.

The middle brother had one child and the youngest brother who was deceased has four children.

So I waited a month after I mailed the letters to the two surviving brothers.

And then I was like, I'm going to reach out to those five kids.

I need somebody to help me.

So social media, for everything negative people say about it, it really has some positive aspects.

And I sent messages to all five kids.

The middle brother, his son, responded almost immediately.

And I immediately had a panic attack because I wasn't expecting anybody to respond.

But we exchanged a few messages and then I asked him if he would test if I if I mailed him an ancestry kit.

And he said, yeah, why not?

So I mailed him a kit.

My, my husband was like on, on Amazon as I was chatting with him, getting it sent over.

And that was in May.

And in July, he came back as my first cousin.

So definitely the right family.

Yeah, yeah.

And and you know that his dad is not your dad.

Yeah, I was.

I'm not gonna lie, I was really kind of bummed because he was so open and willing to help.

I was like, oh, it will be amazing if it is this guy because he just seems so generous with his empathy to help a stranger.

He didn't know me.

He didn't.

He did not know me at all.

I was so appreciative of that.

The oldest son of the youngest brother that's it's so confusing without using names, but I'm hoping people will will be able to follow.

He did reach out.

He did respond to my message, but he responded and was like, this is so interesting.

Can we zoom?

And I was like, absolutely.

But by the end of that day, he had pulled back and said, you know what, actually, I would rather talk to my uncles before I reach out to you.

And I was like, you know, I get it.

And then he just never, never reached back out.

So I wasn't hopeful that he would be helping me anytime.

And the other of the other three, you know, of his three siblings, 1 blocked me on social media.

And I thought, that's fair.

This is kind of a weird message to get.

And then the other two just never responded.

That's an empathetic take, right?

Because you would think if you got a message like that or something, I mean, you might think it's spam or something.

So, OK, so you so at this point you've connected with a cousin, yes?

OK.

And through him, he talked to his dad, and he arranged for me to have a Zoom meeting with his dad.

So I thought that was promising.

This is all moving pretty.

I'm thinking this is moving.

It's moving slower than I want it to, but it's moving pretty quick.

This is only six months later.

And he's very nice man, very nice man.

But it was mostly just to tell me that it was most likely his older brother, that is, you know, my biological father.

But he's not interested.

He received my letters and he's not interested in finding out.

How are you feeling as you kind of hit these roadblocks in trying to make a connection with your biological family?

It was.

My husband tells me now like manage your expectations.

And you're so empathetic and compassionate for the people in your story.

People say nurturer nature, right?

And like my dad who will forever be my dad.

And that's what I tried to tell that uncle, like I tried to tell him on the Zoom, like to convey that like I'm not looking for a dad.

I have a dad, he's great.

It's clearly not nature cuz he's not my biological father.

And I don't even know how it's nurture because he only raised me for the first five years of my life.

But he is such an empathetic person because even when I was on the phone with him and asking like if he knew anything, never bad mouthed her.

He just would say we got married too young.

He would say, you know, if I could give you an answer, I would give you an answer.

I'm so sorry I can't tell you who it is.

So I think I get my empathy from him.

Yeah, that is such a a painful thing to have to navigate with your mom.

How is your relationship with her today?

We are, we're, we're estranged.

I, I was mistakenly telling people that like I was estranged from her, but I'm actually the one who had the last contact.

I mailed her a Christmas card last Christmas and just saying again, like, if she could please tell me.

And if she doesn't know, if she could just say that she doesn't know, but to please stop saying that it's that one person because it's not him.

And I never heard back.

I wasn't sure that she got the Christmas card, but I had spoken to my sister and she told me that she she told me that she did.

She said, oh, I know you sent mom a Christmas card.

And I said, OK, so she did get it.

She was like, yeah, she got it.

I was like, OK, so she's estranged For me, I suppose it hurts because she's also made it to where I can't have contact with her sisters.

My aunt, my family, and I decided to do a road trip out to Texas this past June because I really needed to see my dad in person and I reached out to two of my aunts that had moved out to Texas after my mom did and both of them declined just to visit with me because they said if I wasn't going to see my mom that I couldn't see them either.

That's really painful, I'm sorry.

That hurt almost as bad as the DNA surprise, because I didn't see that coming.

I was naive, I suppose.

I don't know my my raised sister, she is like, this doesn't change anything between us other than she's like, I'm so sorry I ever called you the milkman's kid.

And then her kids have like been great.

So, but it hurts to lose other people that I just didn't think I would lose.

And then to not be gaining anybody either, right?

Like we get kind of left in no man's land and not by our choice.

What has been helping you through this?

It sounds like your husband's been a source of support.

And my kids my my son and daughter are amazing.

I have definitely built the family that I always needed as a kid and that includes MY2 best friends who I've known since 4th grade and 7th grade have been there with me each Step 2.

I have some amazing Co workers because at the beginning of this I was a mess at work and they were very very kind to me the whole time.

The whole time, and I did, and I did go to therapy.

My therapist helped me work through the steps of grief because I really think that's what I was.

I got stuck in anger for a little while, but she has helped me get through the steps of grief.

And then the NP podcast community is an amazing community to be a part of.

So we drove out to Texas right in June.

And before we went, I was like, shoot, I'm going to shoot my shot again, right?

I'm going to message my new cousin.

That is confirmed.

I'm going to message those four.

Well, the three other kids, the one blocked me.

I can't message that one anymore.

But the three others I can message.

And I said, hey, I only get out to Texas maybe once a decade.

Like if any of you want to meet up, I'm totally down for it.

And the new cousin was like, absolutely.

And the other three I never heard from.

So we drove out there and I had looked up the cemetery of the brother who had passed away too, because I thought, you know, there's a chance that he's my biological father, chance that he's not.

I'm going to go get some connection, some closure.

I don't know what I was thinking, but we went there too.

We didn't end up meeting the new cousin.

Something came up and we were unable to meet in person, but we did have like an hour and a half FaceTime and that was nice.

He, he has since sent me pictures of my biological grandparents and given me like, you know, information about them and stuff.

And we've chatted here and there a couple times.

It's really hard to make connection when there's 1800 miles between you.

Yeah, that distance is hard.

Yeah, it, it is.

And being adults, we have adult lives.

He's got a wife and children.

I have my kids like where you know, but I just, but I know that when I message him, if I ask him something, he usually responds and he's reached out to me sometimes too.

So I'm appreciative of that.

But I was really starting to think that I was going to have to be OK with never knowing who my biological father was.

But Alexis, you're not going to believe it, but last Thursday, like, what is that?

Four days ago I got a new first cousin match on Ancestry and the oldest daughter of the youngest son tested never saying anything.

She never messaged me once, she never reached out about anything.

And I don't even care because now I know that my biological father is the oldest brother.

What a gift to know for sure.

I checked it when I was eating dinner and I almost choked on my spaghetti and the amount of dancing that went on in my house that night, I could not believe it.

I would really like to have a connection with my biological father's side of the family, some type of connection, but it was the answer of who it was that I was really looking for.

And for her to just do it quietly behind the scenes without ever saying anything was just amazing.

So now that you know who he is, have you been able to, through your own research or maybe through your cousin, that first cousin that you matched with, have you been able to learn anything new about him?

The first cousin had shared some information and even the uncle shared information 'cause they were pretty sure the oldest brother made the most sense.

You know, I'm a science girly and I if there was, there was 2 opportunities that it could be.

I just needed science to prove which one it was.

They had given me some information about him and the Internet is a really big place.

So I found some stuff, but mostly I just wanted a name.

I just wanted a name and now I have it and it, it is wild the amount of peace that that brought me.

It kind of makes me speechless a little bit.

It was just needing to know and I couldn't believe that it happened last Thursday.

I was like, Oh my gosh, like, I can't believe this is happening before I'm going to be recording.

I will be honest, I was hoping to be able to use this podcast as a way to send it to the other kids so that maybe they, if they heard me telling my story or seeing, you know, like that I'm an actual person, that I'm not some type of scam that like maybe they would have the compassion to, to test.

And that I just that it didn't even take that.

And I don't know why she did it.

All my, my Co workers, all my Co workers were like, why did she test?

And I was like, I don't know, maybe curiosity got the best of her too.

I don't know.

That's so awesome and I remember you you sharing with me that that was kind of like a hope, right?

Is, is that that would kind of, I don't want to say humanize you, but maybe, you know, in a way I'm like, this is this is what the experience is like, like help, you know, and the fact that you got that answer is just so incredible.

And also maybe that will give someone hope who's listening right now, because sometimes it seems like it's going a certain way and it changes.

And that's not to say to get caught up on on on hoping, you know, we have to accept things as they are, but maybe it's just to know that what it is today could be very different tomorrow.

It really, it really could be.

I'm still a little in shock that I have an answer 'cause it's been a year and a half.

And then to in the last week that was, that was a tough week to begin with, to then get such such joyous news.

Kind of surreal at the moment.

I took a screenshot of the of the results just so that I know that it's real.

Like if she if she ever deletes her profile, I know that it was there and that I do have an answer.

I was so prepared to tell you at the end of this, like, and I'm still waiting to know, but I actually know and I'm so satisfied.

Well, now that you know, what's next for you.

Honestly for me, this chapter can be closed if any of them ever decide to reach out to me.

I would absolutely be open to it, but I never intended on disrupting their lives.

What happened wasn't something that I did to insert myself into anybody else's life or disrupt it.

So they all know.

They all know where I am and how they can contact me and if they want to, I'm here.

But otherwise, I really just wanted an answer.

And because and because of those two first cousins that I will be eternally grateful to, I have the answer.

So I'm good.

I'm good.

That's so, so awesome.

You just said that that you feel like you can close the chapter now.

Mm hmm.

How have you been able to make peace with not getting your hopes up and maybe not getting to connect with so much of your biological family?

But help me come to being OK with not being connected with my paternal biological family was, ironically enough, losing the parts of my maternal biological family.

It really shines a light on who is most important.

I have a lot of love around me and so I'm not desperate for connection.

I'm open to it.

I am open to it if any of them reach out.

But I have the people that love me around me and that's really what has made it bearable these last 18 months.

Yeah, thank you for sharing that because it's it's hard to think about kind of walking away if you maybe don't have all of the answers that you want or haven't connected with every single person that you want to connect with.

I appreciate you sharing your perspective of, of you're able to kind of say, OK, like I'm open and if something else happens, great.

And if not, I'm I'm OK with closing this.

What advice do you have for a parent who may be keeping adna surprise from their child?

I knew this question was coming and I've been thinking and the only advice that I can think of is not keep it a secret.

Ever.

I think that every, every kid has a right to know where they come from.

Every you know, in my case, my dad deserved to know that he wasn't my biological father.

I feel like he would have been here there anyways.

I think my mom didn't give him enough credit for that.

Just the damage that it's causing, whether parents realize it or not, it can be breaking.

I went through a really tough time of like looking in the mirror and not knowing who was looking back at me.

If a parent really takes himself out of the equation and removes their ego and stops protecting themselves, I think that they know they need to let their kid know who their biological parent or parents are.

Yeah, just don't keep a secret.

It's causing damage that you might not ever see, but it's there.

What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise?

Know that every emotion and feeling that you feel is valid, every single one of them.

And know that as hard as it is, you'll get through it.

Surround yourself with people who will listen to you and love you and not say silly things like you're still you or your dad's still your dad.

And even if it's just the teeniest tiniest bit, keep hope and know that it's not you that caused any of this.

It is not you that caused any of this.

You're our product of it and you get to be the one to deal with it.

But it isn't your fault no matter what.

Anybody.

Says so well said.

So well said.

Tamara.

Thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

I'm so happy for you that you finally got an answer just in between the time that we scheduled this interview.

Like that's just goes to show how much can change and how quickly, even after long periods of time, or maybe it doesn't seem like it will.

So thank you for just being so vulnerable and sharing what this experience has been like for you and whether the chapter remains closed or if it continues.

I just wish you the best.

Thank you so much, Alexis, and thank you so much for everything that you do.

The NPE world is a better space because you and people like you have put out these forms and have spaces for us to talk about it so that we know we're not alone.

And it is.

These podcasts are part of what got me through in the beginning, so I really, really appreciate everything that you do.

Thank you so much.

Thanks again to Tamara for sharing her story.

If you have Adna surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprises.com.

Until next time.

This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.