Aly’s DNA Surprise

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Speaker 1

The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and isolating, but you're not alone and there is hope connection and Community are powerful tools as we process.

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Learn more at DNA surprise retreat.com I don't know, it was like the conversation load like his voice was so familiar to me, like it was like I'd known it.

Like I knew it from somewhere and it was just like, I never actually heard it before.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host.

Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP.

He's adoptees and donor conceived people and their Please.

This is DNA surprises when people experience DNA surprises.

The range of emotions, they feel can be wide.

There's sadness, there's confusion, there's happiness, sometimes and often, there's anger.

And this week's episode Ali.

Shares how she felt when she learned that her birth certificate.

Father, isn't her biological father and that she was born after a years-long affair between Her mother and a colleague, she discusses, how it's been difficult to get the truth.

From her mother, how her relationship with her biological father, is in what she hoped it would be and how she discovered that her birth certificate.

Father, also knew the truth for decades.

Thank you for sharing your story, Ali.

Speaker 2

Now, my name is Ali.

I'm 29 years old and I was born and raised in the suburbs of st.

Louis, Missouri, in February of 2021.

I got My results of my test.

I had originally taken the test because I'm a nurse, I work night shift.

And on night shift, you get to talking with your co-workers.

And one of my co-workers was looking at his results on his 23andMe and I was like, wow, that's really interesting.

I like I've always kind of been into wanting to know more about like where I came from.

I had known like, you know, some Irish and German and swiss you know that the family you know, has always said like my Of my mom.

So I took a test and I got the results one day and I was looking at the ethnicity results.

Was it was like 70 like 5%, British and Irish and then like 25% German and then like a bunch of other little ones which I thought was kind of weird because we nobody's ever talked about the British side or Scottish even it was, I don't know.

It was just kind of just on and I was like, okay well these things are not always on person accurate as far as that goes.

It goes so far.

This is what I told myself.

I flip over DNA, relatives Tab, and there's a name, I've never seen before, or heard of, and it says, 50% DNA match biological father.

And then right underneath, that was a woman's name.

And it said 24%, DNA, match half-sister, and then underneath, that was a first cousin on the paternal side.

Um, and thus the half sister was also on the paternal side.

It said,

so yeah, you matched with a bunch of people.

Yeah, yeah, three people, I never saw the bio father and the cousin because when was a male and they have the same last name, the half-sister I guess, it's her married name is what I found out, she had on there, but yeah, they're all related and so you know, of course, I don't know.

I I guess it's like kind of all blur you know that first time that you realize something about your life that's just completely uprooting everything and time just kind of Stood Still and he was my boyfriend at the time, but now we're engaged my fiance and I were at home and he was working from home because this was, you know, covid times, I just remember like, freaking out like, saying this can't be real.

This isn't happening like what is this?

And like I showed him my phone.

And he I don't even remember what he said because I was just like in such shock like, I could see it on his face, like he couldn't really say anything either.

And I don't know.

It was really just kind of a crazy, couple

hours.

What were your initial

thoughts, I guess.

Like, the way I just have described it as like, it was multiple feelings.

Like the, I remember the first one was.

This is what I've been searching for, you know, my whole life.

I Like, as a kid growing up, I had a lot of questions and it wasn't necessarily like about wondering.

If my dad was my real dad, it was, what's this big secret that I feel like looming over our family?

Like, because growing up my, you know, my parents, my childhood was pretty chaotic with, like my parents, they fought a lot, and then the divorce was pretty, pretty bad and they're pretty hateful towards each other.

And it was a very like, If you load of and money training divorce and you know, as kids like me and my younger sister, we were put in the middle of it a lot and there weren't a lot of answers, you know, during all of it, I don't know.

And I never questioned that my dad by a lot, but whether or not he was my biological father was just a really, I don't know, it was I was just I felt stupid.

Also in that moment like I was like how can I not have ever known her question this?

Hmm I don't know.

It was just like such a confusing day that It was, it was everything, you know, all the emotions all at once.

And then, you know, anger came soon after that within that next hour or two.

And I was like, I need to talk to my mom right now.

But

yeah,

she's one that must know everything about this and like I grew up knowing she'd had affairs with men, while married to my dad and, you know, affairs with men while she was married to my stepfather and so that kind of made sense this kind of made And sent away, but I just had no idea what was before, you know, that I was a result of an of an affair as well.

I don't know.

It's

just right?

Yeah, I think that that experience is something that npes are all too familiar with, right?

Just kind of looking back and going out at night, not connect that like obviously, but, you know, you you trust what you're told.

And even though you knew all these things about your mother, it doesn't necessarily mean oh, Well you know your birth certificate?

Father, isn't your?

Your biological father.

So did you call your mom like that day?

Or when did you speak to her?

Yeah, so I texted her that afternoon it was that there was around like a loving or like noon when I got the results when I looked at it and then the around like to 2 or 3 p.m.

I sent her a text message and I was like, hey I need to talk to you about something she It called me a couple hours later because she'd been working.

She knew something was up just by my texts and she answered the phone and she's like Ali.

What's going on?

And I was like I said did you have an affair with his name?

I didn't want to tell her, I knew I wanted her to own up to something for once and I know it maybe was a trap but I didn't intend for it to be a trap.

I wanted her to tell me the truth on her own for

once.

Yeah and she said no to the In about her having an affair with him and I said, you didn't have an affair with him.

She said, no, and I said, well, I just took this, I just got in my results from his DNA test, and it says that he's my biological father and he was on there and I don't really remember her saying.

Anything after that, I just like blacked out.

Like I remember, you know, yelling expletives at her and saying like I knew there was something wrong, I haven't always known, there's something you weren't telling me and I finally found it in this.

Is it in?

No kind of cussed out her here and there because I was really mad and hung up the phone.

I don't know, I didn't talk to her for probably about a month.

She didn't say anything to me.

I didn't say anything to her.

I was just, I told myself I was never going to talk to her again that day, you know?

Hmm.

It was some time before I finally reached out to her again, like it was probably a month later.

I actually, I reached back out, because I was ready like /, some answers, you know.

Yeah.

Did.

You reach out to your biological father, any of the Newfound family members in between that time?

No, I kind

of like, so on 23andMe on your DNA matches, it shows like when they were last active on there and there's said that they were active within the last month and so I was like well maybe they're going to look back.

And I'm not going to have to be the one to have to say anything to them and they're going to see me on there and they're gonna figure it out on their own this way.

But I waited until like the end of March, and I finally like nobody was on. 23 me, it didn't look like they were active.

Like I waited I checked almost every day.

See if I had a message, or if they were online active and they never were, and that like that, first day I had done because I, you know, I didn't know who this guy was.

I did a bunch of Internet sleuthing.

Like I'm sure we all do is, you know, we know their name and when I Googled his name.

Name.

Well first of all I saw was Facebook and it was like this blurry picture of this guy in from these like mountains and he was like kind of tall and like slim which is like my body type and I was like I don't really know if I can like this blurry picture.

Yeah it's body.

Type is similar but it's like, you know, I can be anybody but it said he lives in St.

Louis and so that's what I knew that was real and then I found his LinkedIn and his LinkedIn showed that he'd worked at the same marketing company that my parents.

Worked at and Matt that in the early 90s late 80s, early 90s.

So that's when I knew it was real, like when I saw his LinkedIn,

so through your own research, you kind of put the pieces together of how they met and what maybe happened did your mother then kind of because you said, you went back to your mom after a little over a month.

Did she open up anymore that point?

Yeah, she

did.

I had written down all these questions that I was going to ask her and now that I look back at what she wanted, Recorded the phone call because writing was a lot slower than talking, but I and asked her if that it had only been one time and she said, yes, which I later found out was true.

And then I asked her if, when it was and it was after, obviously, my parents got married in 1990 and I was born in 1993.

So, it was after my parents, my dad, my birth certificate, father, after they married, and I'd asked her, you know, like what she thought of him.

She didn't really like, give me much she just made it sound.

Like he was like a huge flirt and she just wanted her for her body and like, you know, like it was just a sexual relationship and he was using her.

Nothing about it was like her using him, I don't know.

It was just it took, it took a long time and it's still taking time to like figure out all the details.

And it's weird to put the pieces together because I asked her, if she knew that he was my father and she said, no, I always thought you were her dad's.

My birth certificate

father's.

Hmm, she

stuck to that for a long time and I was like there's just no way that like you could convince yourself 100% if you've been having, you know, an affair with this guy at the same time you're trying to get pregnant with your husband like how?

I don't know because apparently her and my dad had been having issues getting pregnant.

They actually, when they found out, she was pregnant with me, was when they were going.

She said she was getting a Dye test, done to see if I guess she was having any issues getting pregnant and that's when she found out, she was pregnant.

Oh wow.

So you talked to your mom and she kind of answer some questions you later, learn maybe that those are not truthful.

What happens next?

I get a therapist.

I probably got a therapist like two days after I found out because I was like, well, I'm gonna need this and I've always needed one.

It's I did that first and then kind of worked with her on trying to like sport things and like focus on myself rather than because for me, I always want answers, you know, right away and I'm sure everybody was too.

Relation buzz and but for me, I like, I feel like I stop at nothing to get those answers because I've been obviously searching my whole life for this.

And so I found my biological father's address because I figure I'd rather, you know, I don't really feel great about the guy to begin with because I realized my half-sister is a couple years older than me.

And then I realized my half-brother who, when I heard that when I like, About it for a while.

I realized I knew him from my high school days.

Hmm, like, through mutual friends, he went to like the Rival, High School, my high school and like I'd probably seen him at like, football games.

Like I remember, we were friends on Facebook and I guess like, we must have deleted each other sometime, you know, in the last 10 or so years, since we graduated when I like, you know, I searched them on the Internet and I realized, okay, they're both.

He's like 6 months older than me, so that means that his wife must have been pregnant with him.

And when I was conceived and so my biological father has a baby at home and then his wife is pregnant while he's like, you know, seeing my mom was married to another man trying to get pregnant with him.

It's just, I don't have great thoughts about him, you know, like this guy, obviously morally is not such a great person, even then though, I feel like the right thing to do, is to reach out to him first.

So I sent him a letter to like I song like one of the npt.

You Facebook groups because I found that community and I like saw that, a lot of people were sending letters to their biological fathers houses.

Like, that was way too.

Like not disrupt too much instantly, you know.

And sent like a attract letter so I knew when he when it got delivered.

So I could like prepare myself and make sure that he actually got it.

I wouldn't be wondering all the time.

So I sent at the end of March, it was like March 22nd or 23rd or something like that.

I sent it like the day before.

For I went on a trip with one of my friends to San Diego and because I didn't think he would respond right away.

But he the he got the letter two days after I sent it.

And then he texted me that day and I was in San Diego still with my friends, I was not expecting it and he was like, hey, he said his name here, this is all a lot but I'm wondering if maybe you could hide yourself on 23 and me so that my daughter doesn't see that.

Mmm, that was like the first Thing.

He said to me, I will text

message.

How'd that make you feel?

I was, I was angry.

I was, I was really angry because at this, at this point, I'd already had, like, not great feelings about him, you know, like, you need to prove yourself because you are the one who did something wrong here.

Yeah, and me, I'm just trying to like figure it out and get some answers.

I was pissed, but like, as the day went on, I don't know.

I agreed to it, that At time because I was like okay like I understand like maybe he needs to tell them in the right way.

Maybe he's going to tell them.

So I agreed to do it and I hide myself on 23andMe and then we like you know we text message like the rest of that night.

He tells me he was actually born in San Diego of all places that in then he like tells me he was adopted.

So he was like put in foster care when he was a kid in San Diego and then his parents adopted him and brought him to the Missouri.

So there was just kind of crazy.

I was where he was when we're like when he was born at that time, that we made our first Contact but we spent the night messaging back and forth.

About what I like.

It seemed like he was telling me the whole truth about like his affair with my mom, he made it sound like he told me.

This was a really bad thing that I did but if anything positive were to be said about this, but you were made with love is what he said to me.

And I was like wow that's interesting.

Like that's not what my mom makes it sound like and he was like yeah, it was he told me that the fair had gone on for a few years before his first kid was born, which I think she might have been born like 89.

And so, then that means I hit, they had an affair from 89 until at least ninety two.

So that's like a three year, long Affair.

And my mom had told me that it only been wants.

Yeah, you know, they met each other like, at their word.

She was working, and they were both working in like a film lab and he'd known my dad.

He'd worked on some projects with my dad before and there was a lot of drama surrounding the situation back then and I guess like my mom, he told me that my mom had told his boss.

My biological father's boss, that he was stalking her in the parking lot and to leave her alone.

And so he was told by his boss to leave my mom alone like the drama was that We're but he said, like nobody else knew about all of this, it was

just like him and her.

And

he told his wife at the time that he'd had the affair and he didn't hundred percent know about me.

But he said that when my mom was pregnant, you know, they were all still working together, my dad, my mom and my biological father and when my mom was pregnant, he had tried to approach her to ask her about me, if that was his kid and she said, no.

And she And I think that's when she was filed.

Like to his boss.

That he was stalking her to leave her alone and

did your birth certificate father know about any of this.

Or was it all kept from him?

I guess he didn't know he never suspected until he got a letter in 1998.

After they like, my parents hadn't worked at that job anymore.

Like their whole department gotten let go.

So I was about 5 years old and he got a letter in the mail that was about, it was Anonymous letter.

And it basically was saying, like, we're ready to tell you about what your wife is done because we're tired of watching my biological father, get, you know, basically screwed over by her and it was saying it said like that.

My mom had told him that he might have been the father of me.

Wow, okay.

And did you hear about this letter from your birth certificate dad or how did you find out that this letter was sent?

And well, so I'd actually known about the letter like years ago.

My dad had mentioned it, but it all.

Now, you mentioned about it, was that like, because we've talked about, like, my mom having Affairs and stuff.

And he'd mentioned that, that he got a letter in the mail once about, like, my mom having Affairs.

So I've known about it.

But I finally one day like, called my dad up.

Yeah, summer of 2021 and I called him and I He said, dad, I have to tell you something, I resent you remember, when I told you that I was going to take that 23andMe DNA test and he's like, yeah.

And I was like, do you know why I'm talking to you about this?

And he said, yes.

And I started crying.

Then I said, how long have you known if he was getting pretty upset too and he said, he said he'd known since I was five years old when he got the letter.

So that's what the letter said me.

So yeah.

A phone conversation was just kind of like the rest of it was.

I didn't wasn't trying to get many details.

Yeah, it was like, he said, you're always gonna be my daughter, and this doesn't change anything, and you've always been my daughter and I love you so much.

That was really

hard.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it's such a hard conversation.

So he had known Essentially your whole life or, you know, from the time you were five, did he share?

Maybe why he didn't say

anything?

I said, he said, I thought I shouldn't have been the one to tell you and I, I don't know.

I understand that.

And I don't think he should have been the one to tell me either.

And I wonder, you know, did he ever have a conversation with my mom about it?

And, you know, it's a lot of this stuff has been conversations over the last Last, you know, year and a half because I can't do it all in one go.

So, I get pieces of information here and there, I, you know, I finally go out to visit him because he loves pretty far away from me.

And I asked him, you know, more questions about things and I asked him, like, because he said, I was on the phone with them once and I was like, Dad, like can you tell me more about this letter?

Because we were talking about it one time because he's actually pretty open about talking about it.

It can tell it's a little stressful but I know like he's not really talked to anybody about it, you know, this whole time and it may be my feel, okay, to talk about it.

Finally, I was like, Dad, can you tell me more about this letter?

Like what does it say because I was more concerned.

I got really fixated for a long time about the details of who knew?

Yeah, the whole time.

You know, my mom and my biological father.

He was like yeah.

Do you want me to go get it?

I'll read it to you.

So he's just like, you still have it.

It.

Yeah, yeah.

And you know he's moved a few times you know, since receiving that letter and it's like he's brought it with him.

So he kept this letter and you read it.

What did seeing it do for you?

Did it make it more real or what were your thoughts?

I was, I was actually kind of like I've been through a lot of us.

I was pretty angry again because it was signed, you know, anonymously by three people Put like their first and just one initial for each person.

So, these three people that wrote this letter who obviously, they worked with all of them at this company and they're standing up for my biological father and they're making my mom, you know, sound like, she was the main culprit.

Like, she seduced my biological father, is what they were saying in there, and like, this was basically all of her fault and I get it.

But it also takes two to tango.

And he wasn't really a great person to either.

And it was like a letter to My dad, you know, trying to like out her.

I'm just like, I'm just angry because it also mentions me and my name and they're talking about me and I'm just a beta kid at this point and you're like trying to I don't know, like do they not realize the consequences?

Like what if, you know, if my dad wasn't such a great person then you know, maybe he would have left, you know, after learning this and I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, it's just like, I felt really violated when I heard this letter because it means somebody out there knows.

Somebody, I don't know, at all knows about this and I don't know, you know, or didn't know until I found out on my own so I was just angry.

I guess.

Did you go back to your mom after hearing from your biological father and your birth certificate?

Father, these pieces that, you know, proved what she said, wasn't the truth.

Did you go back to her after

that?

She, you know, still denied it for a long time like ever knowing that.

I had a different biological father.

It was only until recently that she was like, yeah, I thought there was a possibility that he could have been your father.

And I was like well finally you know after year and a half you're kind of admitting it.

But not really even though you know she's apologized for the affair.

I don't really care about that.

I guess I've already known, I've already been mad at her for my whole life for the Affairs, but you know, it was the fact that she This giant secret from me and I felt betrayed by it.

Yeah, I just felt like I wasn't like she didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth, mmm-hmm I realized that maybe that truth is rooted in shame and guilt but you know she won't really ever admit that but I don't know.

There's only so much you know, you can get out of everybody.

Right?

That's the truth.

Yeah, going back to your biological father.

So you've connected with Him, you've heard his version of things and he's asked you to keep it a secret from his family for now, which was understandably.

Upsetting, but you agreed what happens next on that

path.

Well me like communicated back and forth and it was usually through Messenger.

I'd asked if you know, he would talk to me on the phone, he would tell me he wasn't ready eventually.

And this was like, all the In a couple months.

So in May after you know, initially talked to him in March and may I told him I said, I think foreclosure, I would like to meet you in person and talk to you about this in person.

I was living in Minneapolis at the time.

So one week and I drove down a head like a party that I had to go to as well.

So it wasn't just going to meet him, but he finally agreed to meet me and so we met in person and it was the weirdest day of my life and I don't know.

I was like, so nervous my stomach hurt.

I had to take much of Pepto-Bismol because my stomach was just so upset.

I was so nervous.

But like, when I tell people, I feel like really weird saying it, but like, I felt like I met the male version of myself.

We were at this restaurant for like 5 hours, and it wasn't like, it was just like a roller coaster of emotions, and we was so open with me about everything that day, and I was open with like, Sharing with him a lot about like my childhood and he was listening and you know, asking questions and I've had felt like I hadn't really had an adult do that in my life, you know?

Like my parents kind of like I love them but you know, whenever I got upset it was kind of like okay, go cry in my room alone.

Like as a kid and there wasn't a lot of like, Comfort there.

As far as that goes, I did told him that day I told him I was like, I don't think of you As a father like it feels like thinking you're like an uncle or something and like that's how I'll consider you because I don't need a dad and he respected that because he was adopted and he'd never known his biological parents.

And and that was an interesting thing, too because he liked still had never known their names or who they were or any of his family.

And hanging said that he didn't need to know any of them that his adoptive parents were all he needed to know and it doesn't matter.

Whose biological parents are because who raised in is what matters and I remember like and he was like, yeah, we're kind of in the same same situation and I was like, no, not really.

This is not the same

bright because for many reasons for

many, yeah, exactly.

I'm like, you've known that you were adopted, you know, your entire life, right?

And I don't know if you really like, maybe he understood, I don't really know.

We didn't we kind of moved on from that because I don't know if he Was really expecting me to be so outspoken about everything.

It's just like, I've obviously I know.

I've been wrong the man, your whole like you know there's been lies and I'm just tired of it and I'm ready for everybody to own up.

Did he eventually tell his family about

you?

So that ends up being like a great day and everything we laughed like feeling ecstatic.

Like I was on a high was like wow this was this is a great relationship that I'm going to have with him and like You know, it's I'm gonna learn more about myself.

Like I've already learned so much about myself and just one day of meeting him and it was amazing and everything.

So I was like we were messaging back and forth after that I went home back to Minneapolis and we talked and, you know, I was like, you know, are you going to tell your kids yet?

And he was like, oh yeah, maybe like soon, you know, and like it was like he just kept saying that but then he would be back and forth frequently like saying I don't, you know, I don't know if this is the best approach to tell them.

At all, we are all trying to live our lives and, you know, he has one of his daughter has children.

So he has grandchildren and he's like, we're all just trying to support the grandchildren and I don't know if this is the right thing, you know, to tell them and I'm like, no, they have to know because they're going to find out on their own.

If anything, you know, is they take another DNA test, I'm not going to be invisible forever.

I just like I refuse to do that.

And so, you know, I asked him over the several months and finally like I think it was like, six months go by and I asked him one day, I said, it's so like, when are you planning on telling them and he said, I'm working on that with their mom and at this point he's divorced from their mom, he's already remarried to somebody else.

Hmm, and so I'm like why it is.

I don't know why, this is something that I don't know.

At the time I was I was pretty like maybe I was a little pushy, I'm telling them, but for me is like, everybody else just wants to be able to try to connect, you know, with their half siblings or at least like be known.

And by their half-siblings.

Hmm it's what all I really wanted especially because I had already known my half-brother and he said he was going to work on it with his ex-wife and I just knew at that point I was like, he's not going to tell them.

He's been stringing me along and I do I just didn't believe using tell them and so I sent them a message.

I'd like taking a few days to write our really long message, like telling them in the most neutral and like, kind of way and like want way to put it and I sent it to Them on Facebook like in a group message.

And yeah, I haven't heard from them and that was a year over a year ago now

and I never responded responded.

Okay, does he know that you messaged them?

Yeah he he messaged me one day and he said it was like the day after I sent the message and he said, I saw that you're showing yourself on 23andMe and again like what's that about And then like shortly after that, he's a my daughter just called me.

Shame on you, for not letting me tell them the right way.

And that was just not, I didn't really feel great about that response, so I ended up blocking him and just like, because I was like, well, I'm done with him because he's why am I feeling the shame of this?

When he's known for six months and he's had many plenty of opportunities.

If he's actually known my entire life, Luckily, my fiance, he ended up sending him a text message and standing up for me and saying, you know, like shame on you for not telling them this an ally should not have any of this shame on her.

This is all on you basically, and my biological father was like, whoa, I'm so glad that she has somebody that can stand up for and puff their chest out.

Don't fuck it up.

Wow.

Yeah, he was kind of, I don't know, we didn't talk for a few months and this September.

You have 20 21, and oh, he messaged me like maybe a month or so later, and he was like, we need to set up a meeting between you, your mom and me, and sort this out.

And at this point, I wasn't talking to my mom, like I stopped talking to her again because she was not telling me the truth.

I was like, yeah, no, thanks like, I don't know, I'm not even speaking to her right now, so that's not really going to happen.

He and then as time went on, I guess he sent her a message.

Is what he told me.

He tried to make communicate with her and I'm like I don't really know what the point is of us three meeting and talking about it.

It just seemed like it was going to be kind of like a dramatic thing so yeah I wasn't really into it in my mom like I just knew I wasn't getting anywhere with my mom.

So I kind of gave up on that front

so you didn't end up meeting with three of them.

So where are you at?

With him

now he was really kind of mean towards me after that saying that he told me once.

Well, I would reach out to him and I would say, hey like how are you, you know, after months of gone by and I was just like checking in on him and he'd be short with me and I'd say like, is everything okay?

It's like, no, I'm he told me.

I'm losing empathy for you in this situation.

I can't trust you.

You know, kind of saying all these things related to that, like basically making it out to be like I Why was the bad person in this whole situation.

So, I would let it go.

I wouldn't respond, I wouldn't respond to him and then he would reach out to me again, and send me a message and say, hey, just checking in and I like would respond and then he would be, you know, kind of rude and short to me.

Again, kind of saying, like, weird side comments, he told me I was impulsive and emotional and immature.

Hmm, it was just, it was really strange, like, I, when I talk to my therapist about it it was No, he's just like trying to hurt me.

I think because he thought that I was like out to get him and his family, but it's like, no, I was just trying to connect, and I was just trying to not be secret and to, you know, I have everybody in a situation involved, like know the truth.

So, yeah.

He just like messages me every now and then I actually moved back to St.

Louis in April 20, 22 this year just because like my sister still lives here, and my fiance's family lives here and After called, Woody were kind of ready to move back and be around other his family.

And like my sister again, I didn't talk to him for a while because he was, you know, saying weird things to me about like, how I was, you know, impulsive and emotional and how I don't know if he just said weird stuff.

So then he messaged me this summer and we haven't talked since probably February and he sent a message, and he was like, Hey, reaching out again, just because I'm the empathetic one in this relationship and you put relationship like in quotation marks.

Um, and genetically, you should be as smart as me and like, all this weird stuff.

It's like, I don't know, I think he has like some narcissistic Tendencies.

And he's also like very emotionally unstable.

This what I found out, but I don't know if in the end of the day, like everybody like my therapist and my fiance, they both, you know, kind of think, I don't need to have a lot of communication with him because the things he says are just kind of meant to hurt me.

Me in a way

I think.

Hmm, I

don't know, because I think maybe I did almost jeopardized his family and now, he like reaches out, whenever he wants to, and then when I respond, he doesn't respond for like days.

It's weird.

So it's kind of tumultuous and I don't really know.

Like I asked him to meet up with me once because he was sent me a message, you know, three months after I lived here.

And so I finally told him, you know, I hey I moved back and then I said would you be open to meeting up?

And he's like yeah, maybe sometime soon.

I was just like, I was kind of looking for a certain day to meet up and it was just, he doesn't want to commit to it.

So I figure, you know, if he wants to get to know me, then he would have done that by now, or at least tried to meet up with me or have some sort of communication with me other than, like, just the text message.

I have found like in the beginning of all of it, I asked him if I, you know, because I originally was like, I want to know about my ethnicity like where I come from and stuff like that.

And you know, he didn't know.

No.

And so I asked him I said is it okay if I try to find like who your parents were like my grandparents are?

He's like yeah sure.

I don't think you'll be able to find anything because I've tried to, you know, find my adoption records and they never released them to me.

I was like okay so then he buys me and ancestry DNA test for my birthday last year.

And the top match that's on.

There was like somebody.

I didn't know I have sent them a message because he was adopted with his full brother.

Okay?

So he yeah.

So, he had he would grew up with biological family.

Just too brother.

And so I messaged the top match and I said, you know, do you know of two people that were born in these dates in San Diego?

Unlike are you related to them somehow?

And he was like, wow, this is crazy.

Those are my uncle's and I was named after them and like basically, like you got to talk to my aunt right now and got me in contact.

So he was a half first.

Cousin.

This is like it's just like a big crazy family tree.

We had the same grandmother and his aunt or art and is my half and so when I went to go visit my dad, I met one of my like new and and she showed me pictures of my grandmother at this Mexican restaurant.

And it was like it was shocking because it was like, she looks like we look so similar and I've never really liked looked like anybody mmm-hmm before, I guess, I don't know.

Yeah,

well, yeah, that was really great meeting her and my cousin, her daughter.

And they have, like, we still talk like to this day.

Unfortunately, my biological father, like, I told them, I told him that I found his parents, who they were, they both passed long time ago, and I found what his birth name was.

And, you know, all this family.

He has for half-sisters and at the time I think they were all alive.

And you know, two of them wanted one from his father's side and one from his mom's side wanted to know him.

You know there I cuz I reached out and I talk to them because another aunt was on Ancestry on his father's side.

It's crazy but he wasn't interested.

So that was kind of disappointing.

You know, when they'd asked the sisters asked if they could if he wanted contact with them and I had to say like no you know he's not ready yet so that was that was kind of hard but Even they've had their arms open to me and, you know, given me as much information as they can about, you know, their parents and the family.

So that's been, that's been the silver lining in all of it.

So it's like in the end, you did connect with some biological family, even beyond what he

has.

They're really just like the nicest people in the world.

I hope I can meet.

I have one aunt, who's in Canada.

I hope I can meet her one day, but the aunts and cousins and I met And in Tucson, they were just the sweetest people ever.

And they're, they're so they're so nice.

They always say like, you look just like her like my grandmother and it's like, just so crazy to, I don't know.

To feel that validation, you know, I don't know.

Somebody,

I'm sick.

I'm able to connect with someone, what are some things that you have learned about your new Newfound, family?

So my grandmother.

So she had to Their daughters and then divorced, their dad and ended up marrying.

I guess, she ran away to Mexico with my grandmother grandfather and got married down there and came back and had my uncle.

And then my biological father.

And then my grandfather went to prison for what which I found all this through just ancestry.com miles and so for forgery, which I don't really know like what he did there and then there's like newspaper articles about him.

I'm like fleeing prison how he escaped prison, and then I guess like that's where the timeline leads to, like him meeting my half ants mom, and basically had my half Aunt, like, so what he has and I think he had a knack for starting families and places and leaving.

Mmm, so I think you left my grandmother with four kids and that's why my grandmother gave my uncle and my biological father up for adoption, okay?

They were, I think they're really three and six years old.

My father was like three years old.

So, I mean, he doesn't have any memories, but I know my uncle did, but unfortunately, my uncle passed in 2019.

So that was before I even, you know, discovered anything.

So, I think there's a lot of trauma related to their adoption.

Their father wasn't really a great person.

And then obviously being adopted, sometimes can be traumatic, you know, taken from your home, and going and living with the whole new family.

And I know that.

It was probably like rough for him but he sounds grateful.

And so my dad growing up, he is an artist.

He's always been like an art director of projects and things.

He's always had to do creative and like talented mind and I've always wanted to be that way.

And like my sister naturally is my half-sister, I guess who I grew up with she's younger and like she is my dad's biological child, but she has like a really natural, you know, artistic ability.

And I've always wanted that I never was as good at, you know, art things and I found out like my dad's art one and, but my biological father was it guy at their company.

So he's like, kind of like the tech, like, analytical like numbers guy, I'm kind of always been interested in like the sciences and like, you know, being analytical about things.

So I've kind of like discovered that's why I am the way I am.

I guess that was, I think maybe a good part.

Of discovering myself through all of it.

My grandmother was she, I don't really know much I guess about her personality and I wish I kind of knew more.

It sounds like she kind of had a rough life, but she's very religious woman.

She wasn't always religious.

But I think after, you know, having to give her son's up for adoption, she found, you know, our faith and I really respect that about her and I know she lived with a lot of like grief about the boys and Bring them up so I don't know.

I just feel like I can sometimes like, I can feel that.

Okay, I get it.

I just feel.

So I'm put so much empathy towards her and I wish I could have known her.

It's probably wasn't very easy thing to do.

And it's not like she did it because she didn't want them, you know?

Right, right.

How are things with your raised parents?

Now your mom and your birth certificate, father,

things with my dad.

Add our are good.

I mean, we've I've gone down to visit him a couple times since finding out and, you know, we've talked about it and he's a little bit more open about it.

And each time, I don't know.

It's like our relationship skills, different, but not always in like a bad way, but, you know, it is, it is different, no matter what.

And you know, we still love each other and he still, we still talk on the phone at least once every other week, so that Hasn't changed.

And as far as my mom goes, like, that's been really complicated.

And, you know, some days, I'm pretty angry at her.

And some days I'm, I'm like, okay, I still want to have a mom in my life right now, but it's hard because you feel like so betrayed and she came over to my house, a couple weeks ago because I told her that we need to sit down and actually, like, talk about this for once because it's always been over the phone or like over text message and so, you know, she sat down and like Like, I just had her, like, I just told my whole story from that first day and like told her everything and she listened

and she understood why I felt betrayed and, you know, she apologized and, you know, she'll probably like, never admit that because she sent, you know, she didn't 100% know that I was his kid, but I mean, like, looking at pictures of him and pictures of me.

Like, I'm, I think it's pretty obvious.

I look completely different from my sister.

Like we always used to joke that she was adopted.

I think we still have some mending to do her and I I don't like 100% water out of my life because I still love her and she's owning up to some of it but you know, it's hard.

It's things are never gonna be the same.

I'm trying to let go of it but it's hard.

Yeah, sure.

You

don't know.

Yeah yeah it's not really letting go right?

It's like working

through it's like everything is different, you know.

Yes.

Even though I don't want it to be because all I really Want is to connect and understand, you know, connect with everybody and understand myself a little better and where I come from and I don't know, I just want peace with all of it, you know,

yes.

What advice would you offer to a parent who might be?

Keeping a DNA surprise from their

child?

Just don't, I can tell you that.

There's never going to feel like there's a right time to tell, but it's now yesterday, was the right time, because, Now I'm, you know, older.

I mean I'm 29 but I'm also like ready to start my own family.

You know, I was, I'm getting ready to get married and like, start a family and now, like, there's a lot of things I'm questioning about it because of all of us, and I feel like, it's as much as I haven't wanted.

Wanted it to hold me back.

It has and, you know, if you tell your child sooner in life, you know, when they're little more resilient when they're kids, you know, maybe maybe.

Things will go better and your relationship won't be tarnished.

And as kids get older and they're adults, they you know, you go away from your parents, you don't see them as often and I don't know.

I just I just wish I was told to her.

I wish I wish.

I'd known about the letter.

I'm not blaming my dad or anything but it's just it's just doesn't feel right?

So just tell your kids as soon as soon as you know

you mentioned that therapy's been helping you.

What advice would you offer?

For someone who just found out that they're in npe

stuff, like everybody says like, don't react right away, two things because your emotional mind, and I'll shout out to my therapist.

Emotional mind is at work in the beginning and you might, you know, say some things that you might feel emotionally fired up about in the beginning.

So just try to give yourself some time.

Give yourself some space and, you know, self-care Cliche as it sounds but you're going to walk and think about it before you say something to somebody, or before you do something, or before you have that big talk with one of your parents or whoever get some professional help, because you're going to need it through all this and obviously, the support groups have been great.

But yeah, I love the support groups but at times like At first, I was just constantly like reading everybody stories, like, listening all the podcasts, like, I think it was just like, it was overwhelming like every day of my life.

So, Just take a break at least a little bit of your day, from all the reading, the stories, or the podcast, or whatever, and have time to yourself.

Because I think sometimes, like, I would send myself on a spiral, because I was just like, I couldn't stop reading or listening, right?

It is very helpful.

But like all like your podcast other podcast that I've listened to all the groups, the reading.

But yeah, it is.

It is helpful to take a break and have some time to yourself.

I That's great advice.

Yeah, because with it, right?

The age of information you could spend all of your time consuming DNA surprise information and it is important to take that step back and give yourself space.

So, that's really great advice.

Well, Ali, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

I hope that you continue to find peace in your journey, wherever that takes you and that You continue to build a relationship with the Newfound family that has welcomed you with open arms and congratulations on your engagement and upgrading your wedding. thanks again to Ally for sharing her story if you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com until next time thanks again to Ally for sharing her story if you have a DNA surprise story that you'd

like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com until next time