Cara’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

I got home that evening.

I had to go to Walmart and I was standing in Walmart, like, looking around and thinking that could be my aunt that could be my brother.

Like this could be my dad next to me in line.

I mean, we live in a small area and I travel for work, I go all around the county and I thought I could be working with one of my relatives like, I could know them, I could know them the last way I could have known for my whole life and it really hit me like I Want to find out and it wasn't about my biological father at all.

Really.

And I know most of the time, that's what people are.

You know, that I really want to find out, I wasn't really too concerned about that.

I just wanted to know if I had siblings and my aunts and uncles

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

This podcast shares the journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP, he's adoptees, and donor conceived people, and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

In this week's episode.

Kara shares a story that has many twists and turns.

Specifically, her story includes the surprising fact that both of her parents knew about her npe status.

Thank you, Kara for sharing your

story.

My name is Kara.

I'm 48.

I just turned 48 and I live in Central Illinois.

Well, I guess I'll start with my family of origin, my mom's family from Illinois.

She was one of five children.

She was kind of, I think, always a hot mess kind of cheese.

Very narcissistic, like many of the MP moms are I think she just sucked the life out of pretty much the whole family she quit school when she was 16, she's a Extremely intelligent.

So she quit school.

There's a city that not to a small City, not too far from where she grew up and she went to live there at 16.

She had a best friend.

We refer to the best friend is Aunt Janet so she was kind of always in our life later on.

Of course then my mom at some point went to Nashville moved to Nashville.

Well my dad was born and raised in Tennessee and I my BCF Dad I'll just Um, Dad.

So at some point, he went to visit his brother that was living there and they were in the same apartment complex.

So they met my mom was around 17 18, my dad about the same age.

He was just like a little bit younger than her, so they met, they got married.

They moved back to Illinois and I'm going to tell you the story that we always heard as children and growing up, this is how we always started.

So they got married came back, they were married.

Read maybe five years.

My sister, I have an older sister.

She was getting ready to start kindergarten when they got divorced.

So she was just turning five when they got divorced.

I was just always told that they couldn't get along.

They follow the time.

That's what my mother said.

She didn't tell us much.

So when they got divorced naturally it was the 70s.

She was awarded custody.

Well my dad wanted us.

He knew that she probably couldn't take care of us.

I was always told growing up.

This is this is from my dad from my I am sorry for my aunts and uncles that my mother just wasn't mother material.

She just didn't have it in our.

That's how it was explained to me at the time and and and growing up, you know, as I got older I was very aware of her shortcomings, so to speak.

So but that's how it was explained to us.

She just was a very motherly, so my dad knowing this, he talked her into giving him custody, my grandparents my maternal, grandparents knew that if he got us he would go back to Tennessee with us so that upset them and so they talked my mom into giving us to them.

So my sister and I were then raised by my grandparents, we were very much loved very well taken care of.

They always encouraged us to have a relationship with our dad, you know, they never, they love my dad, they never prohibited that relationship at all.

They always encouraged it.

My mother lived about 15 miles away, she was pretty close.

We saw her on the weekends, she's been married about five times during my childhood.

That she had pretty much just one husband for a pretty long time.

She was always very jealous of my dad just stuff.

Like I would we would spend about six weeks there every summer with my dad.

And I can remember her saying, don't talk about your dad, in front of your stepdad, it upsets them don't say his name or, you know, stuff like that.

If she wanted us to call her step, dad, dad, not not by his, you know name, and I wouldn't do that.

And I just at first, I thought, well, that's kind of cowardly, you know, why is he being like that and then and then I Realized like now it's probably her.

She just it's probably all her.

I probably has nothing to do with him.

It's probably just her.

She was very controlling like I said, very narcissistic.

Like I said we were raised by my grandparents when I got into high school and my sister graduated high school.

I did go and live with her for a couple years and then I moved down to Tennessee to go to college.

So I did get to spend some time with them and my mother.

Like I said, she really can't see the path into her nose.

It's all about her.

She's the victim.

She did quite a few things during that time during my high school years.

That one thing in particular, at one point, I was in high school.

She found out that my grandparents actually never had custody of us and I think everybody was under the impression that they had legal custody.

I think what they actually had was likely due to Legal guardianship or something to make medical decisions.

So she realized that, then my and my My dad was never made to pay child.

Support like my grandpa said, you don't have a child support will just clean them on our taxes.

You know, call it even kind of thing and nobody had a lot of money anyway.

And so like I said, we didn't want for anything were taken care of.

But my mother, then when I was in high school, she found out, she found this out and realize that my dad didn't pay child support.

So, therefore he owed her back.

Child support, technically.

So, I overheard her talking to my stepdad talking about taking him to court for.

All this back child support.

Well, first of all, you didn't raise me.

I've only lived with you about year.

And so, I walked in on them and I said, if you do this, I will never speak to you again.

Like, I love my dad so much, like he, he was the nicest guy.

He never really said anything bad about my mom, but he was very sympathetic to us when we would vent about her and her shenanigans as well as we grew up, he would tell us a little bit more.

He would only want to say things.

And about her.

But like I said, he was very sympathetic to us and when I got into college, I think we might have my mom or fighting for some reason that, that time.

Oh, I know.

Because when I moved to Tennessee to go to college, she told me, she would never speak to me again.

If I was going to move down there away from her and granted, I only have lived with her a year or two in high school, but I just thought how shitty do you think is out of town?

And she didn't, she stay true to our word.

See, I think on my birthday, so she may have called me for Crime when I live down there.

So during that time, I wasn't Obviously getting along with her and my dad was a lot.

He decided to be a lot more forthcoming with some of the stories.

And another thing about my dad to all the while growing up, he told me my birth Story, Probably a million times.

He told me all about his childhood.

I knew everything about him and his brothers and I heard my birth story, like hundreds of time.

My mother has never once told me about when I was born about my, her pregnancy, nothing, nothing about that.

I just have to She was and she was a lot closer to my sister and I just thought it was our first, like, me and my sister are completely different.

We're extremely different.

We would we don't look anything alike.

So I just assumed that was why it didn't bother me.

Really?

It was just one of those things, right?

And I never felt like out of place or anything.

I didn't really think I look like one of them over the other but I had people tell me.

Oh, you look, just like your dad or you look just like your mom and then they would tell my sister the same thing.

So it's like you people.

Well, don't know, like we didn't resemble anybody stronger than the other, you know.

Anyway, back to I had moved to Tennessee to go to college, my mom and I weren't getting along at that point.

So my dad was he decided to tell me a lot more stuff.

So he goes on to tell me about why they really broke up, and it was more about.

My mom was party and she was going out, she was cheating on him all the time, but my dad is such a gentle really nice guy.

It wasn't like he put his foot down and divorced her.

I think she pretty much 10.

So that's you know, basically what he said.

And anyway, I got a clearer picture of my mom and dad that like she she was always going out, always partying, never really was with at home with us so that's the story of like my childhood that I always got fast-forward, I'm an adult, I have a son, I'm remarried.

My mom, and I pretty much he strange II talked to her, like, once a year.

You know, my sister's clothes that she was closer to her.

She's emotionally, she's closer to her.

I just, I just Decided years ago, I don't need that toxicity in my life, you know, especially being a mother, a couple times.

I really tried to like, make a connection with her but it was always all about her.

And even when my son was a baby, it was still always about her.

So I, you know, let it go and I was fine with that.

I didn't have any hard feelings about it, it was fine.

We've what we were never close.

So so fast forward to, when I'm 45, my son is 15.

I'm married.

I work in the school system.

It's the very beginning of June and we decide to go down to my dad for the weekend.

The start of the summer before things, get going before my son gets involved and stuff.

And I try to go to my dad a few times a year.

And I mean, my dad has been married to my step-mom.

Since I was about three years old, he knew her, as a young guy, even before my mom, so they got married, they've always, you know, I've been married forever.

You know, we spent every summer Oh, down there, she was one of seven.

So I had lots of cousins, and aunts, and uncles, most of them are gone now.

But you know, we sold try to go down there as much as we can, and that's really the only Grand grandparent.

My son

has, do you have any siblings

on that side?

I do my, they had a hard time conceiving, but when I was 18 years old, they finally had a child.

So, I have a brother who's in his late twenties now, but I was 18 when he was born.

So I was, I was pretty close to him.

My sister was on because I live down in Tennessee for a while.

My sister stayed in Illinois, so she she wasn't as close to him, but yes, he's my half-brother or was my half, brother?

I was just really tomboy when I was when I was young.

So I just love going fishing and four-wheeling and doing all that stuff.

And I was just daddy's little girl and I loved it and she was always very loving towards us.

We just had a really good relationship now, he wasn't being so far away.

I got 500 miles, we saw him once a year.

He wasn't really invest in my life, you know, he he knew one of my friends, my my grandparents was very frugal so we didn't get the call them.

It was long distance, you know, I grew up in the 80s so it was a long distance phone call.

We got about one long-distance phone, call a month.

We wrote him letters all the time and he would spend us card for a few Christmas vacations.

We would go there, but then I got too difficult with the weather and everything.

So mostly we just saw him, you know that I'm going to summer, although I loved him.

And he was my dad, you know, he wasn't really part of my day-to-day life, unfortunately, but we were as close to him as we possibly could be the same goes for my mother.

She was never involved in, she only lived a few miles away.

So back to prison day, when I'm 45.

So this was 2019 June.

Me and my son go down there.

Just for a weekend.

Visit a long weekend, it's Thursday morning and we get up.

He's making himself some coffee.

My son still sleeping, I go grab some tea, we go out onto the porch.

One of my friends is texting me, she's having problems with her brother or something, a big drama, some kind of text to her and my dad sit down on the porch swing and just all the sudden out of the blue.

He said, Cara honey, but I always called me he said, if you had a secret that would really affect somebody's life, would you want them to know?

Would you tell them?

Right.

Then my son walks out onto the fourth, stop the conversation.

So I'm sitting there, tell you how my friend is still texting me and I text her back and I'm like, you know, I'm really sorry.

I do.

I can't really talk about your brother right now.

I think my dad is getting ready to tell me.

He's not my real dad.

So something and you knew no, no, it was.

And I had a friend who said this, very same thing, you know, I think it was because that's the worst possible thing.

I could imagine that he could pass.

We say to me.

Mmm.

And of course.

She's like, what?

I'll talk to you later.

So, I have to sit there and, you know, my son about that and my dad, just put the thought in my head.

I'm like, what?

So my dad gets out goes inside.

I follow him.

It's just me and him again.

And I've had a few minutes to think about it.

And I said, dad and I think the truth is probably the best like, no matter what I think, you know, telling them the truth is the baby.

I know he's talking about Me, he has to be talking about me and he said it, he's like, well, she's like, I'm not your real dad.

So of course, I just start bawling.

I'm like, are you sure?

He's like, yeah, he's like, I'm pretty sure I'm pretty positive.

And the first thing I'm like, well, I want a paternity test like because I do believe you, you know, I don't believe that but nobody believes him, I just cannot believe that.

And you know, in retrospect, he never ever treated me different ever never ever because I feel any different.

Why did he believe that?

Well, I mean, I'll tell you the reason.

And, but then everybody asked me well, why why did he, why did he want to tell you at that time?

And my dad had been having he'd been on disability for a long time coming cuz cuz of his back but he'd been having some other health problems and he actually had that recently had brain surgery.

So for like the last nine months to a year, he really was going downhill and he was really worried about himself.

And so I think I know that's why he just he knew that he was probably the only person that would ever tell me at that moment.

I said does anybody else know?

And he said yeah my stepmom new.

She has always known.

She never wanted me to be told she told my sister about six months prior because he'd come down for a visit.

And again, like I said, he was worried, he wasn't going to live so he wanted somebody to know, although he swore her to secrecy, he still told her and he's like I don't know who your real father is.

I don't think your mom knows either course.

I get real emotional.

I want to call my husband and I did.

He was in Florida at the time, visiting his family.

So he wasn't even, you know, with me.

So that whole weekend, I had to because I don't even know if he's told my stepmom that he was going to tell me.

I don't want to let on to my son that I'm upset for that.

Anything is going on.

So I have to keep my composure the rest of the weekend.

I mean, I'm sleeping in the same bed of my son was a very small house.

Professor bed without crying my eyes out.

You know, every night that Saturday, I was spending the whole day with my cousins and we were going to the Smoky Mountains and stuff and I'm incapable of chitchat at this point because all I can think about is this bomb that just went off in my lap and that's why I kept saying, I feel like a bomb just went off but I just got to act normal and be.

Okay, that was one of the hardest weekend of my life.

I don't know how you did that.

I was texting a couple friends, like you're not going to ever believe.

This.

So then, okay, that was the first phase of in Friday.

The okay.

As soon as you told me that are later on, I'm, you know, on the internet, I'm Googling where can I get up the church?

So we go and I said, well, I found a place.

Perpetrators have to pick.

Okay.

You know, he had no but like he wanted to go with me, you know?

So we went the next day.

I had a lot of my son and tell him we were going to get blood work done for my grandpa because, you know, his health issues.

So we all went and my sons in the car.

So we came and talked about We go and here I am in the lab and I'm texting my friend.

Like yeah.

The most awkward moment of my life and I'm sitting in a lab with my dad.

Getting a paternity test.

How crazy is this right now?

Hopefully, they've my life so we get it done.

Everything.

I got through the weekend, I'm driving back home and it's an 8-hour drive back home.

I tell my son, put in your ear buds, turn up your music, full blast.

I have to make some phone calls and it Adult stuff and, you know, so he does and I called my sister and I say, dad told me and she's like, what told you what?

I like, what?

She's like, okay, she's like we'll have a name for you.

So as I've been to this point, I'm not even thinking that, you know, I've just been hit with the Femme and I'm not even thinking that far I had about, who is my dad, like it doesn't even occur to me.

Like, I don't even care, like I'm just trying to, you know, process when I Up.

Why are the choir the name for you?

And I'm like, what?

Like, how do you have an eight?

Like, how do you know she's like?

Well, so if you remember when my mom was 16 and she had a best friend that we always called a that, right?

Well she still lived in the area where we live, and I thought about it all the time, I really need to go see her.

I would pass by her area, a lot for work, and I would tell myself that week after week and I would never go visit her well about three or five years before this.

This, she passed away.

So her husband was still alive and still live in the area.

I just didn't know him that well, but anyway, she said, well, I want to visit and Janet about 10 years ago and there was a picture sitting on her table of this man and the girl and she pointed to it and she said, doesn't that look just like Kara and my sister she did that.

I wasn't really big.

He probably had that expressive and she didn't know what to say.

She's like, I Did I didn't want to go there?

I felt like it was kyndra's box and I didn't want to open it just like, I'm really sorry.

She's like, but I just, I didn't want to go there.

I'm like, no it's, you know, it's fine.

She's like, but after dinner told me this, which was about six months prior, she's like I called and Janet's husband.

And she asked him about it.

So he gave her a name.

Like I said, I wasn't even thinking about finding who this person was finding out anything about him or anything, but now I'm getting told that I might have a sister.

After there's a girl, there's a little girl in this picture and apparently they all they knew about it and it was, you know, a well-known thing, at least my mom's best friend.

Now, I thought about how I feel about this.

I said you can text me the name but don't text the.

First of all, I'd like to say something on top and put the name way down and I said, if I feel like it all, open it up and left, I said, I don't know right now.

So we got off the phone so for the next six hours or so I'm driving, you know, I have to think about this, I had decided after then, what else?

The Sibling, I kind of like to know, maybe, I don't know, my mom's family, they're not clothes.

They've always been back and forth and there's a lot of jealousy and resentment among them.

We weren't a close family.

I never really had that growing up.

So I kind of like, wow, you know, I really want to maybe know them, so I get home and I start googling.

I start getting the app.

First thing I do is I call Pot, I call Aunt, Janet husband, And I said, okay, I know, and so he was very forthcoming and he didn't know much, but he said, yeah, we used to work together.

He's some doesn't, he's from Indiana with I live really close to Indiana, like five miles.

She used to work with me down at this plant, and then they got, and then he got laid off.

So he decided to go to barber school.

Well, my Aunt Janet own a cosmetology college, so he not only knew Paul from working with them.

He started going to Barber College with her, they got to know him that way.

So he became a family friend.

So that he gave me his name, his name is David.

Give me the last name I wrote down the stowing or than a very popular name.

So he told me he's like yeah over the years I've kind of lost track of them.

There were it.

Sounded like there was a group of friends but kind of stayed in touch but not too much.

He's like the last I knew he was living in a cave in Arizona like what he's like so he kind of was like, I don't know what you call it, maybe even a little eccentric, I don't know.

But he was like living off the grid.

Did.

So he's living in a case and I took it as a metaphor or something.

Well, no likey, absolutely real cave.

So I have this information.

I have the name now, I have that he, you know, was from Indiana.

Now, he lives in Arizona, so I go to town, I am looking up, everything, I can only find him, but I decide well, maybe if I look back on Janet obituary, I can find him there.

Nope didn't see any but you know that people leave messages and stuff.

Nope, didn't So, I decide that maybe there's a class list when he went to her school.

Nope, can't find that and then I realized because I have a professional license so I'm like, oh, cosmetologist Barbara's have to have a professional license.

So, I go under the website, State website, I find his name, I'm like, oh my gosh, this is him and I think I could even tell ya it gave the address and it was Indiana like, oh my Gosh, David, with a cosmetology license from Indiana.

Like what are the odds?

Well, then right beside his name was a woman with his last name to.

So I tried looking them up on Facebook.

I didn't want found him, but I found her, and she was married to David.

So, they must have their license because I was being all these things up in my head.

Maybe they met in cosmetology school.

I don't know, I guess where they live, they live in Arizona.

So it's him, it's checking all the boxes.

It took me four days like Oh my gosh,

this is internet is amazing.

Yeah, I know.

I've I was so proud of myself.

I'm walking around, like, look at me.

I did it in four days in retrospect was about to say, I know, I did it all wrong, but I get his phone number and I call him and I'm, you know, trying to ease into it.

But isn't that like the worst possible phone call?

You can get as a man?

Like that's got to be the worst possible go.

Bob besides I'm pregnant.

It's hello.

I'm your daughter.

Daughter, you know, I'm your 45 year old daughter anyway so I called him.

I'm like, hey, I think you may have known my mom.

Like, were you ever in the city?

Well, yeah, I think I passed through there and he's acting kind of Step C.

So I'm thinking he knows what I'm about to say.

Like, he's totally guilty.

I keep coming with the questions and I finally say, I think you're my biological father and he's like, oh no, that's not possible.

No I'm like, well, are you sure?

I don't even know if I told him my mom's name but he was flat-out.

No, that's not me.

So like we get off the phone and I'm like, what just happened?

I am.

Like I said, I think he was just being shady.

Like he totally just didn't want to set that feel like that's totally him.

Like I just knew like the way he was acting.

I had a roadblock, I don't.

And another thing is everybody's like, well why don't you just ask your mom?

Like, no, I'm not asking her first of all.

She's gonna lie about it.

Every single word is going to be a lie or she's going to claim.

You know, it wasn't her fault for some reason and all this And I'm like no I'm not going there.

I don't want to I don't want to give her the satisfaction of me having to come and ask her these questions.

Like I just don't want to.

So I decided to do ancestry. 23andMe said, mats, I do all of those.

Meanwhile my dad my vfc dad calls me and he's like did you ever get that paternity test back?

And I did you know, it took a few weeks and like yeah you were right, it's 99.9 percent sure you're not.

My dad.

What was it?

That made him believe that was it the timing or Just the fact that he knew that your mom had been cheating on him.

Like what made him know this

when he called me, let's go back down.

When I'm there in person, I am like, yeah, I was like, what, why would you say, why would you think that?

Well, come to find out there was a big part of the story that they never told us, they left on a big Chuck.

When my sister was about 18 months old, they lived in that City close by and all of a sudden my mom wants to get separated later on.

My dad says he's Yeah, I couldn't figure out what was going on is like, we weren't fighting or anything you'd like to just came to me and asked me.

So my dad is taking my sister and going to leave and then my grandparents didn't want him.

Going back to Tennessee with my sister so they wanted him to come out.

So he lives with my maternal.

Grandparents for, I don't know how long at least probably six months and then a few months go by and she all of a sudden comes back.

Well, he can tell that She's pregnant and she denies it.

She will not fess up to it.

And then finally, she's like, fine.

I'll just get an abortion that because she wants him to take her back and he's like, no, you won't do that.

I will raise it as my own but we won't talk about this ever again.

So it was he completely new and shownu to there was no question.

Yeah.

And he, he's like, I think probably your grandparents knew, but you know, that was the time and they were of the age where you didn't.

About things, you swept everything under the rug and when my dad told me this, that's one of the things I brought you my sister.

I like, have you ever heard the story?

She's like, no, we were never told that they actually were separated and that this happened.

And so looking back, I think now, you know, this is probably why my I was probably treated very differently by my mother.

She always actually seemed very shameful and guilty, but I thought it was just because she gave us up and I can't even, I don't even know for sure.

But like I said, Looking Back Now.

I think she did treat us very differently, and this is probably why.

Also, during this time, I'm asking my dad some questions after he told me a little bit later on because my mom gets, she was getting sick, she had to be in the hospital and I was asking my dad, more of how she was when we were little and I was sick, a lot as a baby and you know, like I said, my dad never really, never wanted to say anything bad about my mom, but if we ask the right questions and he knew it was the right time, he would tell us, So he's like yeah and he started off two or three

instances like right away.

He's like well, it's like there was this one time, you were so sick in the crib just crying and crying and crying.

And he said, you know, we were in bed, I was asleep because he'd worked and my mom wouldn't just wouldn't do anything.

Wouldn't get up, didn't try to check on us and that happened like several times.

He's like she would tell me what to do, but she wouldn't do it.

He was the one that got up and take care of us and everything.

So I'm sure I know there was Trauma from that and that probably is why.

You know, we have the relationship.

We do now.

But anyway fast forward.

So I do the ancestry.

I get it back and I had a close match.

I have a cousin Kevin.

So I'm like, alright.

Yeah, you know, first cousin, Matt, that's pretty good.

I have about five second cousins.

And, you know, whole lot of third cousins, I immediately can see which one, you know, I divide them maternal.

I get those, you know, just over here and I don't know this.

Kevin, I don't know any of my second cousin's either.

So I start looking for him, you know, I've got all the maps, I've got Facebook, I cannot find him anywhere.

It is driving me crazy, and I call I call so many people and everybody was actually really, really nice.

You know, I would tell my story, I like, I know this is random, but I'm just trying to find these people and I just cannot find them.

So this is getting about June July and I have a school job so I go back to work in August.

So all I can think of I got to get this done and, you know, those desks calendar.

Really big white counters.

Okay, my husband had brought home a big tablet, they were bigger than that.

There were these white sheets, and I had them to spread out all over my living room floor, trying to figure this out.

You know, I've got notes written all over them so I could conspiracy theorist, it's just fall over.

Yeah, so every day like I'm not working, it's summertime.

So this is I'm upset and I'm sure everybody can relate to that and I'm still not telling my son.

So every day before he gets home, I'm like Gathering them all out of stuffing them under my couch and my husband doesn't understand it.

So I'm nobody else obviously understands this.

And like I said, I hadn't found any, you know, I didn't seek out any support groups or anything, some kind of all alone in this.

I am obsessed and I'm trying to find this Kevin and I just I can't and I do get in touch with a couple like their cousins.

One doesn't live so far from me and I come from the phone and it just so happens, the couple cousins that I can contact.

They don't know their biological dad either.

I'm like, oh my gosh.

How often does this happen?

This is crazy.

So there really no help but I keep going and gone.

I finally decide.

Me and I don't know how the da a Angels do this, but I decided Well maybe if I can connect everybody.

That's all my matches.

If I could figure out all their related, maybe I can figure out where I fit in or maybe I can find that last name.

I'm still looking for David, you know, that last name so that's what I start doing.

And you know, people back then had seven kids It seems like every every family had at least seven to ten kids.

Yes.

Oh it wasn't easy.

And you know, just day after day night after night.

And I think I finally I finally got till there was like, seven siblings.

I finally get to the last one.

I'm, you know, going.

I'm trying to go down the line.

I find an obituary and I finally found his name.

I found David's name like oh my gosh that's it.

I see his name.

Plus the name I had with Hold on.

I was given the wrong spelling, so that was another problem.

But I'm like, yes, I found him and I also found my cousin Kevin like, his name was in there his last name, like, okay, because he, he was the son of the, my aunt.

So the different last name?

Coleco, because, like, none of the names on my matches were the last thing that I was given.

So, that was another problem.

But anyway, I find out.

Kevin's wife's name.

I think well on Facebook, they have a joint account, so that's why I could never I'm like people, why do you do that?

Why are you making this so hard?

I found a phone number for him.

They live a couple states away but I call my talk to her his wife and she couldn't be nicer.

She was so nice.

So she's like, I will relay this information to Kevin will call you back tonight and I am the most impatient person ever.

So it was so hard waiting for those phone calls, so they tell me about David.

He is living off the grid nobody has seen or heard from Since like 1979, he does have a daughter and they get in touch with her.

So she called me.

And this is all happening like, in one to two days.

So she calls me I am.

Exactly nine months older than her.

So she was stunned about that.

She was not surprised that she had siblings out there because she had not talked to her seen her dad since she was six years old.

So though, now, of course was upsetting, but she wasn't surprised.

She figured he went on to have another life kind of her middle name is Is Kara her name was Nicole.

Kara.

Oh wow.

And I mean my name isn't that popular?

Especially for a second.

Middle name like that's that's crazy her and I talked we met not too long after that.

She brought me flowers, we just had a really good conversation.

She gave me she sent me pictures of her dad and I as soon as I saw them I'm like, oh my gosh, this is my family, this is who I am.

This is what I look like.

This is me like my eyebrows, my, my mouth, my teeth, my freckles – Colic and my hair like, I'm looking at my family for my first time.

Like I didn't even know that I was missing that all of my life it was it was the craziest thing.

She kind of starts, introducing me to the family and their family isn't close either.

So she wasn't close to some.

Her dad is a strange from the entire family and that's her connection to the family.

So but they're just really not close any way but, you know, we're all connected on Facebook and I start messaging, you know, all these aunts and uncles on Facebook So there were seven kids altogether.

So he had seven or he had six siblings, there's two sisters and then five brothers.

I start, you know, sending messages just introducing myself, say I have a son, blah blah, blah, everybody was very open and nice.

I talked to a couple of them on the phone, my two aunts.

My one, Aunt asked me and I did, she was like, for the only one that asked me.

So, I did you have a good life and I said, yeah, I did.

Was it perfect?

You know know, but yeah, I was taken care of so everything was going good.

She was talking to my Uncle, Rick one of the, one of the uncles, and a lot of them lives around here, but he actually lives in Florida and he was a little bit more inquisitive about things like he wanted to know, because he had spent some time with David in in the town.

And he's like, yeah, he's like, you know, I ran around with them quite a bit.

Like who's her?

Mom and dad are who's our mom and he wanted to see pictures and he was a little bit more interested than any of the others.

Like you want to specific because time goes on On.

It's probably the end of July at this point and I go on vacation, this is still pretty covid.

Mind you.

So Nikki decides to do to go ahead and do the ancestry DNA test yourself just to make sure it comes back and she's not my sister, it actually shows up as my second cousin so we decided that she was my, my cousin took my first cousin.

So we're both like, what?

What in the World and like every everybody knows I'm in the family, like all the brothers know like what's going on.

So she goes back, I'm just dumbfounded, like I don't know, I don't know what's going on.

So she goes back and start talking to the uncles.

And one of the uncles says, well, you know, that Rick used to live in peace to live there with Dave, right?

Again he had an apartment.

So I'm like what?

So I go to the public library and our County and they have books called the city directory that tells you who lives at what a dress for every single year like ever.

And I knew where my mom and dad lived, I knew they lived on East Main Street and guess what?

Rick, my Uncle, Rick.

My Uncle Rick, he lived right next to my mom and dad at that time.

Wow.

So we send She knew she had a feeling and then when I start thinking about it I'm like well no wonder he was so inquisitive you know he had all these questions about who my mom was he wanted to see pictures he just didn't want to fess up yet so and he said I

was there too.

You know.

Here we knew it wasn't Dave.

It had to be somebody else.

I'm thinking it's correct, but he's not sucking up.

So I think I finally have to ask my mom.

Like I finally have to so I did call her.

She was irate that somebody had told me.

You know, he or she thought it was her best friend who's been dead for five years.

She's calling her all kinds of names and I'm like, no, it wasn't her, obviously she's dead.

So I'm gonna wasn't her and I'm like, well, was it David?

And she's like, no, it was his brother.

I'm like, oh, okay, it was rather an option right there.

So so with that and the address confirmation like I knew it was them, we went, we didn't have like a back-and-forth, the aunt, she she was very protective of him.

You would kind of sticking our nose, she's a more controlling person and she was kind of sticking her nose in there and and she just thought I should be okay, just knowing that that was my family.

Like I didn't need to know what who my dad was.

Like.

I should be fine.

Am I?

Uh, I don't know.

Yeah, I want to know all the information, like I want to know who it is.

That's right.

I mean, I knew I had to be wreck like it absolutely with them and so I was it was like the day before I had to go back to work.

And I like I said, I I knew I did not want to go back to work with all this, on my head, and I had to open because I already messaged him and introduced myself thinking I was his knee, you know, at one point.

So we were already connected through Messenger and so I took my son's, a golf practice and I was sitting there and I opened messenger getting ready to ride him, and I noticed that he was writing me and so I stopped and I waited, and, yeah, he sent me this great big long paragraph saying, okay, with all the That you have.

It's clear that I'm your biological father and and I had said even before that, like I don't I don't care how it happened.

Like I don't need to know any of that.

Like I'm here like it obviously happened like I'm not upset.

It is what it is but he went on to tell me the whole detailed story of what happened and he did.

He lived in the apartment next to my mom and dad and they actually shared a bathroom and when my dad I would go to work.

My mom and I love the door.

And my mom actually said, it was a one-night stand and I, you know, I didn't give him any information, he just volunteered the whole story.

He's like, yeah, we saw each other for about six months.

Well, few months anyway.

And and then he went off to school.

At one point, he did tell me, he said, well, I thought maybe there was a possibility that she could be pregnant.

He's like, but you know, he never heard from of there was probably, you know, there's literally no way that she could ever get a hold of

them when she asked your dad.

Ad for the separation.

Was she wanting to pursue a relationship with him or was it because she knew she was pregnant or wide?

Why did she do

that?

You know, I'm not sure and then when I my dad did ask me, you know, I around this time that I find out, you know, because he was just interested and so I told him and he's like he had no idea about this guy.

He knew that there were college kids that lived above them and she would always go up there and hang out, but he had no idea.

I might know that it was this man that was right.

Right next to you.

Like he knew you like he knew about you, because he said, yeah, when your dad would go to work, your mom would unlock the door and there you go.

But my dad had no idea.

And that's when he told me.

He said, he didn't see it coming.

He said, all of a sudden, he's like, we weren't fighting her anything.

She just came to me and wanted to separate.

So, I think the relationship had already started, and she just wanted to continue it.

That was around, like he said, they were separated for about six months.

So, like in August, he went off to school and off to college, and That's when I think she wanted to go back to my dad.

So that was August of 2019.

She lived down in Florida and he had no desire to come back here.

You know, he was quite a bit older, he was in a he's in a 70.

So I felt an urgency to meet them and I wanted to meet them.

I had I had met my cousin, one uncle and so my son and I had plans for spring break of 2020, to go to Florida.

Well, well, you know, things are shutting down and I'm and to me if there's a will there's a way like you're not going to stop me from doing anything, especially thus, so my son and I went ended up flying into Orlando.

And I at that point I'm like, you know, we're going to get covid right?

Like does at the beginning and I'm flying into the epicenter like Florida of all places Orlando.

Like we're going to get covid.

We were very careful though.

We never we still haven't got it but I met him.

We met for lunch.

It was fine.

He doesn't have any other kids.

He was only me.

It one other time.

So that was kind of like a letdown.

I was kind of looking forward to siblings.

But the sad thing is is that he's not father material either.

Like he's never, you know, been a father.

I don't, you know, he doesn't know how to do it.

He told me pretty much from the start that he was selling his business.

He was retiring.

He was moving to Central America.

He has a girlfriend down there, that was his plan.

And I'm, and I'm sitting here thinking, but you just found out.

You have a Daughter and a grandson like, you know, but it didn't like really seem to say that.

I mean, we chatted, you know, back and forth and I ended up going on to me, most of the rest of the family.

I met him one more time.

We went to Florida for vacation, not long after that and I met him that time and then maybe six months ago because a covid, he could move right away.

And then finally, when I when he was able then he moved, it was so Bittersweet.

And I told them like I'm really happy for you but at the same time like I know I'll probably never see you again.

Like I don't imagine myself lying doesn't fall America, you know anytime soon, I mean regardless of covid.

So like we tax back and forth, probably a couple times a month but it's just been a very underwhelming experience.

I mean, there was there was such an urgency and everything and Obsession and everything to find these people.

And now I have and stuff kind of like, okay.

That's who they are.

I actually today I kind of decided, you know, regardless of him, I can still have a relationship with the rest of the family and, you know, they're not very close-knit family either.

But I did just go and have lunch today.

In fact, with my Aunt, Carol, I found out last night that my biological father got married, so I have a new stepmom and and I like an eight-year-old stepbrother.

Yeah, so we will probably continue.

To have a relationship through texting and that's, you know, that's probably as far as it goes, you know, the rest of the family, I might see them you know, once or so a year and you know that's okay.

I wish we could be closer.

Be because I do feel like we talked about before.

Are you know, I still kind of robbed the family.

They actually they were all like 30 minutes from me.

You know, my growing up, my dad lived, 500 miles away, my whole family, all my cousin's, all the ones I loved you know hanging out with and bring up with they were Were 500 miles away.

And I saw them once a year.

I had family 30 minutes from me and tons of cousins my age and I don't really have that first cousins up here, like that, you know, my maternal side.

So it's just kind of hard to accept.

I mean, you have to, but you feel so robbed, right?

I mean, do you

have any feelings about what it might have been like if he had been the one to raise you, as

Dad, you know, seeing him now, but he's extremely intelligent.

I have a lot of respect for him, like he loves to travel.

There's a lot of things about him that I'm just, like, oh my gosh, I'm just like you.

And I think like, I'm very stubborn and hard-headed and very strong-willed and I probably get that from them and my maternal family, they didn't really know what to do with me.

You know, young age that I was so strong-willed and stuff.

And so I think they were kind of Clueless because I'm like, where did I get that?

And And I don't know, that's just hard because it's one of those.

You know, you'll never know the answer.

Like you'll never know him another.

Well, the other thing, a lot of people say you felt out of place I never felt like I was out of place in my family but I always felt like there was a secret like I even remember thinking that just a little bit before I found out like like there's something I'm missing like something that somebody's not telling us I didn't feel like it was really directed towards me for say.

Maybe me and my sister both, but I always felt like there's something.

They're not telling us, you know, And I and like I said, my mom and her siblings, there was a lot of animosity there.

They didn't always get along.

Sometimes I did something that didn't and there was just a lot of jealousy and resentment all that and it just seemed like what is going on like what's at the bottom of that?

And I don't know if that's what it was.

But I mean I remember thinking this even up until I was 45 and I'm like, I wonder if that's what it was.

People knew and they just didn't tell me, I haven't told.

I've only told two of I only know, my sister knows my two uncles.

Now, in my family, I haven't told my other 2am's just because they still don't go on with my mom.

And I didn't want to be a part of that whole mess.

I often wonder like, did you guys know like who knew?

Have you told your son?

So about a week before I I got confirmation.

I decided to tell him because I'm really close with my son and you know, he's my only child and so I told him his I could He's like, he's like I thought like you and my husband are getting a divorce or something.

I'm like oh no.

I felt so bad that I, you know, that I made him worry.

And he's like, okay, he's like, well, she's like the what happened?

I'm like, well, you know, I think it's Rick but I don't really know.

He's like what he did.

She's like, why did you wait until your knew for sure?

I mean, it was like a soap, opera, and his eyes were so big listening to this story.

He's like, what you still don't know.

And the funny thing is about, Six months later.

I get a phone call about his, his dad.

He was my first husband and we found out that my son has a new Uncle.

His dad has a half-brother that he didn't know about.

So within about six months time, my son got a new Grandpa and a new Uncle.

So he has to in Pease and his in his life and I keep telling him now that he's a senior and he have to write all of these scholarship essays and I'm like, Need a ride about this.

It does not happen every day, like it's kind of stressful and

have you talked to David since finding

out, David is still in my a, they still don't know where he is.

And I've, I've, you know, I search for him.

I mean I kind of feel like that's up to him, you know, Nikki my cousin, she has look for him over the years unsuccessfully obviously and then she's kind of comes to the conclusion that she probably doesn't want that in her life and she has a son.

Son who is six years old and she just feels like it's probably better off that he's not in their lives, not that he even wants to be found, but I felt a lot because I almost feel like he had to have known that.

I existed at some point like he was, you know, really good friends with my mom's best friend and it's just weird how that all got twisted around.

They knew the brother of the affair of the God.

My mom was having an affair with its small wind.

I kind of I don't understand how that happened and I so wish I would have, you know, gone and talked to Janet before she passed because I feel like she could have.

I understand why Paul being a guy he probably was halfway listening to my mom and dad at talking and got it mixed up in his head or whatever, so I can understand why that happened.

But I would love to talk to David and just be like, did you know about me?

Did, you know, I was your knees.

Did, you know, my mom, did you have to call and Janet talk about Cara and is that Why you named your daughter like, use my name?

Like it's a.

Is that just a coincidence?

I don't know.

But how do you feel about the fact that

your birth certificate father and your mom have always known and made a decision not to tell you

how?

I think that's one of those roads that you, I find that I don't even like to go down because, you know, like I said, I do feel a little Rob.

I've always just adored my And I just this made me love him even more if that's possible.

Because I like, wow that took quite a guy.

I know, I never felt any he didn't treat me any differently.

I would have never guessed that in a million years.

I mean that was the very last thing.

The very worst thing that I thought he was going to say and that's the only reason I even came into my mind that I had.

Absolutely no idea and I just think wow.

Is that took?

You know what I already thought?

I've always thought you know what a great guy he is but that just made me feel like Wow.

What a, what an awesome person, you know.

I don't think not a lot of not.

A lot of guys could do that, but he didn't and it honestly, and looking back though.

There was even time where I want to be like, did he forget?

Did he forget my dad?

Because, like, growing up.

I remember like, in junior high and I started breaking out, you know, my face and stuff, and he's like, oh, I'm sorry.

You probably get that for me.

I had acne really bad when I was young and so little things like that.

He is said and I, you know, now that come into my mind.

Every once in a while.

I'm like, did he forget that?

It really is daughter.

Like, I mean, it was too good.

You know, he acted to what, like, I don't know.

It was just it was very sincere.

What is your relationship like with him

now?

It's still the same.

It felt really good.

I try not to know.

One time he asked me some questions and I'm like, you know Dad I don't want to talk to you about this if it's upset and he's like, I don't know if I'm interested.

Said he's like I want to know he's like, he's like you're just curious if I could human nature to be curious he's like don't feel bad.

So I really haven't not after the first or second time.

He asked, I never bring it up and I don't know, like, I only talk to my dad, you know, about once a month or so and so I don't know.

I still feel kind of funny bringing it out.

So I don't really, I don't really go there and I was thinking, like I said, I just had lunch with my, my paternal Aunt today.

And I thought, maybe I could Tell him that you know maybe I can just kind of talking about that and that would and I know he wouldn't mind, I know he wouldn't but I just kind of feel bad.

What is your relationship like with your mom right

We don't stop, we don't have a relationship.

I this was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back.

This was it and and I do the same thing with her with those memories of her that I do with him.

I look back.

And I think of like for instance that time I told you and when she actually said that she was going to try to sue him.

Him for back, child support.

And when I think it was bad enough already because you didn't even raise up, but now you're trying to sue the man for back child support.

And he's not even my father, like like what what kind of person does that?

I mean, just some of the things that she's pulled and try to pull the things that she said, it just like I said, it's really the straw and, and I, yeah, and my my sister, I don't think she quite understands my feelings about.

All even before the, but with this, in addition to everything else and I think it's because my mom just treated me a lot different than she treated.

My sister and I don't think she realizes that.

We both don't have the best relate or she doesn't have the best relationship with her either but obviously it's a lot closer than I am.

And she tends to feel more sorry for her than I do.

And I'm like, well this is kind of the bed that she made for herself.

So I'm kind of done you

seem to be in a pretty good place with everything, maybe a little disappointed about what's happened with your biological.

Logical father.

What has helped you get to this place?

Oh, I'm an avoider.

I didn't just push everything off.

Yeah, besides that, I just I'm not a worrier at all.

I don't dwell on things.

Not that that's healthy.

Not that I'm not that I'm healthy in any.

I mean, you know, I wasn't expecting this.

It's not something that I knew.

I know some in peace.

No, or are adopted, you know, when they're young like You know, I was 45 and it just came out of nowhere and although it was very underwhelming, I think.

I just know that I'm blessed.

I had loving grandparents.

I had a father, you know, who loved us very much, and it wasn't Perfect by any means.

So I don't know, I guess I've just come to terms with it.

Like, that's just how it is.

I can't change it, it is what it is.

And I mean, there's, you know, like I said, the only thing that I can do now is try to build a relationship with the family.

Only that's close to, you know, my new paternal family that I do have and I and I kind of need to force myself to do that because I'm really bad about just letting things go and letting time go by.

And but I've enjoyed meeting the ones I have, and it's really hard.

And I know everybody knows this but to make a relationship later in life.

And I think after about the first six months, I just realized that you can't, you can't force those and him leaving me.

He literally left the country, so We're not, you know, we're not going to have a, you know, a relationship like that.

So I've just accepted it.

This is this is how it's going to be.

And I think too I realized early on not to take it personally because I see a lot of people you know, on the Facebook page.

Especially you know they can't handle the rejection and how difficult and my attitude is they don't even know.

You like don't take it personally because they don't know you so they're not rejecting you.

So that's that's been one thing that kind of saved me like going into Into this.

Like I'm not going to be upset about this, whether they like me or not, if they don't even know me.

So

that's a really healthy perspective.

So what advice would you give a parent that might be withholding a DNA surprise, from their child's,

You know, this is when I thought about because of the timing of when I was told my first husband was an alcoholic.

I was very rebellious.

I think my dad waited till probably the best time in my life to tell me.

Although I wish it would have been earlier because I missed out on that family.

And I don't think that's something that they think of, and I, and I would never want to make my dad feel bad about that, because I don't think they were thinking of that.

And that's one thing that really bothers me.

Like, Robbing a kid of a whole other family but I don't think they think of that, I don't think they can even wrap their heads around that as far as timing goes like with my situation, I feel like it was probably the best time that he could have pulled me, you know, I was in a good relationship, a good marriage, my son was 15 years, pretty much grown and everything.

So there's not an ideal time but I almost think when you're younger the younger, the better unless of course there's always those.

Social situations of are they?

You know, is that parent?

Is that side, the family going to be a danger to that kid without those things.

As long as those things aren't present, I just think the kid has the right to know that side of the family and I mean every situation is going to be different.

I mean every story that you hear is so completely different, isn't it?

There's always some circumstances and what bothers me to is like, what's the problem with having more people that love you?

That having all these people that love this child, what With that, there's nothing wrong with that, as long as they're healthy, you know, stable adults and are going to be positive and that child's life and absolutely that child should know them.

So, yes, that bothers me about others me a lot when that doesn't happen.

What advice would you give someone who just found out that they're in

npe definitely find out?

All you could find out.

I know some people are scared to and I don't understand that because like I said, I was obsessed like I had to know if there was no stopping me.

But, you know, get a d and e.

And a angel or whatever you have to do reach out, you know, get some people that support you and this is what bothers me too.

I read this all the time, they find their biological father, but he doesn't want to pursue a relationship and to me like, well he's not the gatekeeper, you have an entire paternal family.

He's not the only one.

Like, you can have a relationship with your grandparents.

You can find your siblings.

You could find cousins and aunts like, they're all your family.

He doesn't get the face though.

So I always chime in I see that conversation come up like, absolutely not.

You don't have to have his permission.

He's not the one that just gets to decide.

I'm like, a lot of others.

I haven't put it out there, Facebook, not many people know that this happened to me and it's pretty much out of respect for my dad, my DCF dad, and but I think everybody has a right to tell their story in a right to their truth.

Yours a victim.

You're not the one who created this mess and you have every right to tell your story and to know your story.

And to let it all out there if you want to.

You know if that's something that you want to do.

And and there's going to be casualties, there's there might be a new wife that gets her, and that's unfortunate.

And you can try to, you know, sidestep that as much as you can.

And and that just goes to say, you know what kind of person you are?

Because I didn't know that was one of the first things.

I said to the family, like I don't want to disrupt anybody's life.

I'm not here to make a mess of anything like I don't want to hurt anybody, but I just want to know, I just want some answers like, and I And I knew that I was entitled to those.

So yeah I think that's what I would say like it's your stories or right to know,

that's really great advice and I love that advice about not letting the father be the gatekeeper if you want to connect with other family members because that's so true.

Thank you, cara for sharing your story.

A lot of twists and

turns as I feel like I even had some shocks

moments throughout it but I really appreciate your perspective and and appreciate your vulnerability and sharing this story and I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Well, thank you.

It's really nice to meet you.

I appreciate you.

Thank you, Kara, for sharing your story.

If you have a DNA surprised that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

And if you haven't yet, please rate, review And subscribe to the podcast on Apple podcasts or Spotify.

Until next time.