Ashley’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and isolating, but you're not alone and there is hope connection and Community are powerful tools as we process.

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Speaker 2

A 37 years old to find out that every adult that you ever trust in your whole life live to you.

For somebody that is a habitual truth-teller and I even feel like an Omission is a lie, right?

So like even you know the truth, we tell that gets ourselves in trouble because we can't live with the guilt of not telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I can't understand how people think, but I can look at both of my parents and I just think, wow, keeping this secret all these years especially for my mom.

I'm like, man, it's age Do you like no wonder you're sick?

Like no wonder you have you know stomach problems and these issues and like ailments you know that comes with age T.

Not not everybody has those

ailments and I just think like this eight, you alive it, I mean, it ate you

alive.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA, and unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and Thousands of others.

This is our reality.

I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021 I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of npes.

He's adoptees and donor conceived people, and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Welcome to season 3 of DNA surprises in the season premiere.

Ashley shares, her double and PE Journey.

First, a Content warning due to the circumstances of Ashley's conception.

There is a lengthy discussion of rape and sexual assault.

There are also mentions of childhood sexual abuse if you or anyone, you know, are a victim of rape or sexual assault, please call 1-866-462-1922.

Ashley took her DNA test for health reasons and was completely blindsided when she learned her raised.

Father is not her bio dad in this episode.

She shares how she is processing.

Two different versions of how she was conceived.

Her mother says she was raped.

Her father says that.

It was a night of passion.

She also shares how her Discovery has affected her immediate family.

I want to recognize that these conversations are difficult, especially in the DNA surprise Community.

Thank you, Ashley, for sharing your story.

My name is Ashley and I am 38.

And I was born in Jacksonville, Florida, but I have been in Memphis almost my whole entire life.

And so, yeah, growing up on the same street that my husband, and I bought our house on.

And so, I live Three Doors Down from the house.

I grew up in and so my mom is still there.

And my kids.

I five kids, super, super tight family.

Everybody's grown up together and I'm the oldest of thought I was the oldest of the four between my mom and my dad.

My DNA surprise story starts with covid-19, I have worked from home for about 14 months and I am 5 foot two.

And I did not move from my recliner for better part of 14 months.

I had a laptop in my lap so working from home and not moving and not going to the gym.

I put on some weight and so because I'm lazy in an effort to get rid of some of that weight.

I said, you know, I'm going to take a DNA test and upload it into one of those dietary DNA tests so that I can Out what my perfect vegetable is, you know, maybe if I eat broccoli, I'll lose these 40 pounds, send that test off because it's more financially responsible to do it that way than their own tests.

And my sister and my dad had taken the test years ago and I was super excited knowing that, you know, you can see not every sibling, has every single genetic trait that their parents do and sometimes grandparents and it skips and so DNA.

Day is always the best dating.

My birthday is December 4th.

It was a Friday on December 5th on Saturday.

My husband took me to birthday breakfast and we were waiting in the car and I get the email and it says, hey your DNA test results are back, which was cool, but I was more excited to upload those results because I was really looking forward to starting off January knowing that all I needed to do is eat broccoli or more of it.

And so I Open the results and the screen looks back at me and it says, my sister's name, Whitney is a match as half sister and I'm sitting, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm just kidding.

In the driver seat, waiting to go have birthday breakfast and my husband is sitting right there and you know his eyes are as big as saucers and I'm like Whitney is my half-sister and immediately I think oh my mom cheated on my dad and Dad is not Whitney's dad and it's and it's so fast and then I'm like there's no way I'm like, oh my God. mom is not my mom, but then I've seen those pictures so I know she birthed me And I'm like, Dad is not my dad because I'm flipping through and I'm seeing the

only match is my sister and it's half sister and we stopped there and I just was in shock and I took a screenshot and I facetimed my sister and sent her the screenshot and I said that I need you to look at this.

While I was on face time with her and she starts WTF WTF.

She's like oh my God.

This is insane.

And What is this mean?

And I don't know.

And so process and I'm shocked and four hours just nuts.

I do go in and eat breakfast.

The poor server, it was crazy.

She, I feel terrible for her.

Now, I still the whole entire story, right then.

But at least up until that point, so we leave after breakfast.

And again, I told you we live on the same street as my mom.

So we pull up at the house and I immediately get rich and I'm walking down there and my husband.

Turns around.

He's like can you at least let me go to the bathroom first and we don't lock our doors at home.

So Mom doesn't lock her doors.

The kids are always in and out so I'm sitting I'm walking back and forth and I'm waiting and he comes back outside and we proceeded to walk to my mom's house we knock on the door and she's like hey what's going on like what's up?

And I'm like hey can we?

Let's go talk.

Let's have a seat and she's like is everything okay?

And I'm like yeah.

Everything.

Great.

And she's looking at me like, what's going on?

And I'm like, no, let's just go sit down.

So we sit on the couch and I said, is there something you need to tell me?

I said, as she's like, I don't what?

I don't understand.

I said, can you tell me why my sister is my half sister.

And my dad is not my dad and she blurts out where your dad never wanted you to know I'm okay, I okay.

Okay, your dad never wanted.

You know, immediately off the bat, no responsibilities.

Yeah, blame Dad, and I'm like, but I need some information.

So like I need to know and the background is my mother was married right out of high school and it did not work out.

She hit the road and was like a vagabond moving from City to City.

I mean, she worked and she took care of herself and she just was completely independent and somehow she ended up in Florida.

So from the time, Um she she was like 18 to 25.

She was kind of like I don't know like a nomad and so anyway, so she ended up in Florida and I knew already that my parents had been together a short time.

Never exactly how long anyway that it was a quick relationship and pregnancy and all that.

So Mom goes into tell me about when she was working at the car shop that she had been an auction girl.

Beautiful petit four foot eleven, very busty, very curvy, Auctioneer girl holding the signs at the car auction, and she had been in love with.

She's 25 with 35 year old man, going through a divorce and that he'd already had a kid and he just was not ready for another one.

And she told me his name, and I said, okay, And so I said, is there anybody else?

Because they already is, are we sure this is?

This is it, this is him and she said, well, there was there, the, you know, there was somebody else that I had seen.

I guess you could say he raped me.

But no, it's definitely Ron.

Ron is your Dad.

We're on is your dad and I said, okay, and and still in shock and not really knowing what to do and my husband's Hold My Hand the whole time.

And at one point, Point when she was crying and weeping and I'm sorry and your dad again, he just never wanted you to know, my husband said, you know, this isn't about even she needs some answers.

And so walking out the door I turned around and I said to my mother that had this not happened, I would have never known that.

My dad never treated me any differently and that he was just, you know, I would have never Ever known.

Yeah.

Woulda never

known had no idea.

So you had no idea as a child.

You never wondered or anything like

that.

No, you know, kids, when they don't look exactly the same, you know, you always tease your siblings.

One of you is adopted or one of you was, you know, brought by an alien spaceship, my brother and I some 38, he's 36.

My younger sister is 33 and then there's a thirty-year-old.

So My brother and I look exactly the same.

So then the younger two, they look just like my dad and there were times in my life when I thought.

Like I look like my dad and you know, you babies change and kids grow and your facial features change but so processing go home the kids obviously all know like Mom is wrecked.

Something is wrong?

So we sit down and we have this huge conversation because there There's so much background.

I met my husband when I was very young.

I was, I was 15 and I saw him and I just said, I'm going to marry him and he was 18 at the time and people thought we were crazy and I said, I don't care.

I'm going to marry him.

So I was you know, we try to ask my mom like is this normal to see somebody and to just know that that's it and you know how long were you and Dad together and is this weird Can you know, after you know, weeks or months.

And so we set our kids down and we are we have convictions and my husband and I don't necessarily think that we did things the right way and you know the right way, the norm, the no sex before marriage and blah blah blah but we know that our Lives are still, we've been really blessed, right?

We've been very well taken care of.

And so with the kids and the spend about a year and a half ago, everybody is a little bit younger.

So we said all the kids down and just told them look, you have to be very clear in a relationship.

If you were a girl, you may end up with an unwanted pregnancy.

If you were a boy, you may end up one never knowing she was pregnant and having an abortion or having a kid that you don't know about or having a kid that, you know about and they won't let you see.

So just just be very very safe and be very careful if you're going to do that that you protect yourself because it's not just, you know, your life or somebody else's, I mean, you know, disease and all that kind of stuff.

But anyway, so immediately that night, I start looking at names and I find my brother online and I said, hey, is your dad Ron?

And he says, yeah, and I said, did he do such a, you know, did he work car?

Lot auctions back in the 80s in Jacksonville Florida.

And he was like, yep I said I think I'm your sister and he was like that sounds like Dad and and right and so I'm looking at this guy like yeah we look be.

Yeah this is this is probably him.

So his dad Ron reaches out to me and very nice guy.

Older guy tells me a slightly different story, of course, you know, everybody's points of you are different.

But is slightly different Worry was not with her more than a couple times and he had always tried to get a paternity test and they said, you know, my dad was going to raised me as his own and that they didn't want him involved.

And he was sorry, and what else could he do?

So that's fine, that's great.

He's going to take a DNA test and we'll go from there.

Well, let's just lock it down.

But he tells me then like there there, you know, there was somebody else, she was seeing, you know, and I'm like, okay.

So that's that's great.

But he's like, but I'm pretty sure you're my daughter and I'm excited because I've only got one kid and I said that's wonderful.

So he like I said, is a much older gentleman than my dad is 10 years older than my mom and he was older than my dad.

So so maybe not the most efficient way but ordered the And I'm like you can go to Target at by them.

But anyway, so he buys the test right, he takes the test, it takes about six weeks, seven weeks, six or seven weeks for him to order the test, get the test, take the test, send the test back at the results.

Meanwhile, we decided we really needed to get away.

Take a break.

So we packed up, everybody, we went to Mexico, took Mom, because Mom is always, you know, she's a helping hand, but she's always there, you know.

She's like one of the kids.

Literally, we take care of her.

So so we all get back from Mexico and it was a wonderful amazing trip and Ron calls me and he says, hey, I got my test results and I said, oh no, I looked at my husband and I said, it's not him because at that point, if he's telling me, he got his results back, and he was my dad.

I would have known before that phone call because I checked my app dozens of times a day for weeks looking for that update.

So sure enough it is not him, he is not the father.

He forced the connection on you know, 23andMe where you send somebody to invite and you really try and there's nothing there and he says that he's so sorry and that he really wishes it was him but it It's not and he really thinks it's somebody else.

I obviously it's not him.

So he tells me a list of your another guy that he thinks it could be.

And I mean, while I go ahead and call my mom who on the other end of the phone, has a more hysterical reaction than she did to our first

conversation.

Hmm.

And at this point, I'm like feeling like I'm on Mari.

You know, multiple guys on this stage it's not you then who.

And so at this point, I'm livid because we just, you know, we took a vacation, we take care of you, like I know that might sound terrible but you're not just emotionally invested in people, right?

You have a financial aid Guy where like I just took you on vacation, right?

And, and that sounds so selfish, but but anyway, so I said, can you tell me, like, who have you slept with?

And this, you know, who all, did you sleep with?

Who all did you sleep with?

She gives me a list.

And there's like four guys.

Okay, so it's more than just so she mentioned before that it could be wrong or it could be this person who's actually affected her.

Yeah, it

could be this guy or it could be this guy that I worked with at the hotel.

And I don't even remember his name, but his dad owned it or, you know, it could have been this other guy and I am in shock and so trying to figure out as a woman having had five children of my own and being pretty In with my body and conception and Counting and calendars.

I said, Mom, how could it be one of four different guys, in such a short amount of time?

You could get pregnant.

I said, Mom, were you an escort?

And she is infuriated, and completely insulted later, goes on to tell me that she misunderstood my question and that she thought I was asking about all the men.

She'd ever slept with now.

So, here in this to and also knowing in the back of my mind, my whole entire life, we were told don't have sex before marriage, you know, don't be a whore, don't sleep around and she was a virgin on her wedding day while she was a virgin on her wedding day, her first wedding day.

You know, when she was 17 almost 18.

Anyway, so comes back.

And she's like, no, if it's if it's no there wasn't for, there's only two.

So it's this guy.

This guy.

So meanwhile, Ron who still knows has given him my number and calls me and he tells me a very different story and the test is confirmed.

It took him weeks, weeks and weeks.

And I reached out and I said, hey, are you going to take this 23andMe?

Well, I don't really want my information on a public platform.

You know, I've got kids, I've got family, I don't want this being public, and I said, okay, Okay, he's like, well, can we do a private test?

And I said, absolutely.

So he ordered a Canadian test Canada, right?

Completely out of the country.

I guess it's private.

As you can be, which, which in the back of my head, I'm wondering.

Well, you know.

My mom says he raped her and now he's ordering a Canadian test.

Maybe he doesn't want his DNA pulled in America, right?

This is like, okay, like really weird.

And so the test comes in, And I spit in the tube evidently they could not read my handwriting, so about a month later, I get a phone call.

And he says, did you get your email?

And I said, no.

And he said, well, I am your father, which of course, your mom's horrified, and he is kind of, in shock.

And by this point, we've had a couple of conversations, trying to figure out, like, I hate to say comparing stories, but there were very Very, very, very different accounts.

I mean, what does, what does he say to your mom's

the rape allegation?

Yeah, so at the time, Ron, who could have been the father was mid to late 30s and was early to mid-20s.

So he is a year or two younger than my mom and he is he's the son of local car dealership.

Owner, son grandson, you know, family business.

He says, yes, your mom.

She said, no.

But she did not like, say no.

Like she said, no, but she did not fight.

Ashley, you were conceived in a night of passion.

And so, for months and months, I have tried to bring resolution and try to figure out and try to understand.

And I know that my mom was assaulted Multiple times, you know, and her teenage years and apparently in the 80s in Jacksonville, Florida among that group of people.

I think they're I think that at that point in the 80s, maybe women felt like they had to say no before they could say yes.

And I think that the times were different.

I hate to say, the times were different back then, but we live in an age of sent now.

Yeah, right.

I do and back then, I think there was this expectation of modesty.

So, if a man has been told a couple of times, no, by a woman who doesn't necessarily appear to be saying, no, her mouth is saying, no, but that's not how she's acting.

And, you know, my husband said to me, he's like, you say no.

And I'm like, oh yeah.

But you know, that's like, you know, that's different, right?

That's it's a little bit different whether you're giving it up or being taken or but you know to my mom.

She says I said no and I didn't fight because I was afraid of getting hurt.

So, here I am.

The child of what one person thinks is a horrific brutal.

Me, not brutal, but I mean it's brutal anyway, right there, unfortunately as women, there are degrees of sexual assault, right?

So so for my mom so what if I in the fact that I was Ted it makes I honestly I feel like she always knew because we had a very strained.

I don't know very strained relationship.

That I've also often heard that moms and daughters have you know, rough relief relationships if it's a competitive you know like a narcissistic or a victimhood and my dad the raised me Kenny I always knew that.

That I was not dad's first kid.

My dad was an alcoholic and he was physically abusive.

And I think that the generation that raised the people born in the 40s and 50s did not have the.

Obviously, they didn't have the tools that we have today but where you are mentally and emotionally was not a thing that was important, right?

They did what they had to do to get by.

So rather than like processing and talk About abuse, you just yourself.

Turn into an abuser, right?

Right.

So my dad that raised me, he was an alcoholic and he did beat all of his other wives and the mothers of his children.

She was married three times and had one kid each with each of those women.

And then when I was 12, I found out.

I actually have a half-sister named Ashley also named Ashley, and that was dad's kids.

So, at 12 finding out that I had a half-sister auma, you know, my My dad also had another kid was kind of a bit of a shock and my mother hated his kids and really hated the Ex-Wives really like it was terrible.

We didn't really get to know or half-siblings.

It was bad growing up, you know, it was super competitive and she was super jealous and in the years that my dad was abusing my mom, you know, drinking and hitting her, my grandmother would tell her You're never going to find anybody else, to take care of those kids.

So, over this whole thing, the things that started unpacking for me are, oh my God, my grandmother knew she knew.

So she was telling my mom that you already found one person.

That's going to you already.

Found somebody that's going to take care of your one little bastard or whatever, you know.

The likelihood of you finding somebody that's going to take care of your for like it's just not going to happen so you need to stay with them.

So I really struggle with the fact that even though I love my dad and my dad did the best he could with the tools he had that he was not a good husband to my mother and my mother used to say to me growing up.

She would say I'm so sorry I married your dad I'm so sorry I married your dad so there were things that she said that That now that all of this has come out that so make sense, they say it just so make sense.

Apparently, I was born in a birthing house in Florida and there was a huge right up and I have seen.

Now I have seen the news article about his going to be a single mom in the 80s.

Paving the way for women to be you know independent and on their own.

But that's certainly not how we were raised.

And that's not what she did.

Did

your parents get married after you were born or when she was

pregnant, do?

Okay.

So this, so, this is great.

When I was a kid, young kid, I found my parents, my parents marriage license, and it was, literally was like three months after I was born and I'm like, you know, I'm a thing and I'm like, 8 or 10 or whatever.

And like I said, we went to church, you know, every Sunday we were would don't do this.

Don't do that while ago.

Blah.

But so I'm like, I don't understand you you know how this happened and that's when she was like well they were really busy at the courthouse.

They must have made a mistake.

And so of course now like later on when I was a teenager, it came out like no.

Like I'm like Mom, I'm not that stupid anymore.

Like you can't like, I don't believe that.

And she was like, no I was like I was pregnant and we got married.

After we were born because I wasn't sure.

I really wanted to marry And I'm like, oh, okay.

But I got to tell you the dad part of this because my dad that raised me, I never, I didn't call, I didn't tell him I talked to my dad every day multiple times a day for like years and years and years.

And when I opened that test immediately part Metalized, everything and I thought there's I'm a compulsive truth teller.

So I felt like I could not talk to him.

I'm on the phone about anything.

If I wasn't going to address this so like I didn't talk to him for weeks and of course, the question is like what's wrong?

And finally, it's terrible because I wanted to see him in person and I wanted to tell him.

So your parents are no longer

married.

They are divorced and they have been divorced for 20, 15 years, 15 years, weeks and weeks have gone by from me getting these test results.

And when I found out I had immediately Got my sister and my two brothers.

So Whitney Garrett Zach and I got everybody in a group chat and Whitney already knew of course from the phone call at the restaurant.

But I got everybody in a group chat and I just said, hey took this DNA test, dad's not my dad, I'm your half sister and I titled it, you know, half-siblings whatever to, which Whitney tiles me.

Well, you know, at least you're not related to Ashley anymore so which, you know, it was funny but it wasn't, it was terrible.

But Okay, so she's not your really your sister anymore.

So at least you don't have to claim her and I said, okay.

Okay, because the problems anyway, but I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to go down because I want to tell my dad face-to-face.

I want to take my husband, I want to see him face-to-face.

I want to tell my dad, you know, thank you because the second that I realized he wasn't my dad but yet he took care of me my whole entire life and that that he never made me feel any different.

Like even though he was an alcoholic even though he, you know, was physically abusive to My mom and emotionally and you know, all that, you know, and and to really to the kids to like verbally and emotionally, but there's like a certain age that you don't like, you think it's normal.

And then now that we're in 20, you know?

2022.

Now we realize like, hey, these things are not okay, they're not normal, they have long lasting effects, but I was trying to figure out because my dad lives about an hour hour and a half north of Jacksonville where my biological father lives.

So I was trying to figure out a way to One talk to my dad face to face and tell him.

I know and thank you, but also to meet my biological father and I got a call from my dad, that his brother, my uncle had passed, and at that moment, and I still don't know why I did that day, and I felt terrible, but his brother had dementia.

So, even though it was painful emotionally for him, it was kind of like closing a chapter and And you know, they say don't kick them when they're down but I thought, well, you're already pretty pretty far as you can go.

So let's rip the Band-Aid.

So I get them on the phone and I just looked at him and I said, Dad I know.

And he's like, what I said, I told you that I was fat and I was taking a DNA test so that I could figure out what to eat, right?

Well, yeah, yeah, I said dad, I took the same test that you and Whitney took eight years ago and he is like okay.

A and he again not you know he's older and not quite with it and I said, dad said, I know that you're not my dad biologically and I sent and I'm really sorry that, you know, today is the day that I'm going to tell you that.

I know that I said, but I can't hold it in anymore.

I wanted to see you tell you, thank you, but, and he cried and he, you know, he said that he loved me and that he had loved me before I was born, Because when he met my mom she you know she was pregnant and it's so funny how so many of these stories.

The man falls in love with the the baby, the pregnant woman that you know and I don't know if it is an innate thing.

That men have to want to be protectors providers saviors but He is, besides my husband, the hardest working man.

I know.

And, you know, he was a great provider for us.

Yes, I told him over the phone like that, and a video chat.

And it, I think he must be like, early onset, you know, I don't want to say dementia because nobody wants to wish that, for their parent, may be forgetful or maybe now he has the opportunity to say things that weren't things. he could say

back then,

but so many times like so I told I told my dad, I knew before we knew for sure, whether it was whether I was wrong or whether I was we still didn't even know and I did tell my dad and I said, hey this is who were testing and when I told him, I said, Dad, it's not Ron and he is like I'll be damned and he you know I told him the whole drama about my God, how many She with and you know, trying to figure and then realize in like okay, maybe it really wasn't that bad but I think the time frame

because she obviously doesn't remember and dad did not hang with that crew.

I think that my mother was pregnant with me already from her incident with whether it was a one-time thing or what have you and I almost feel like, whatever hormones she had fed into this infatuation.

She Add with

Ron.

I

think that she always knew that I was.

And in her mind, you know, was a painful thing.

And I've tried to teach my kids like because I don't know, I wasn't.

I mean obviously I was there but at you know, we don't know right.

But there's his story, there's her story.

She just said she said no, she was afraid he was going to hurt her and she you know but in do it.

Thing, and it was over very quickly.

Now says that look, you were conceived in a night of passion, but your mom was super angry because I was a young man and could not control myself and it was over very quickly when it was over, she was angry and said, that's it.

Hmm, which which is an odd thing to say, she's like, you're not even a real man or I need a real man or whatever and these comments are almost 40 years ago now.

But it's funny because I know my mom and so my mom's number one tool was emasculation.

Hmm

and I think so, maybe in her eyes she did feel like yeah, he raped her.

And by that point, it was over Willa.

What else does she have to lose?

And so she's going to try to get him where it hurts and make him feel like less than a man but he says no that that's not what happened, but either way, I'm here.

How do you how do you reconcile?

The fact that you know, you'll never know the reality you don't.

I went at Thanksgiving, my dad that raised me and on Friday.

After Thanksgiving, I drove down to Jacksonville.

And I met my biological father and his wife who are really nice people and it's super weird to look at somebody that you look like.

And and he told me his side, and, you know, and the wife, his wife is amazing and she, she's a very, very sweet person.

Very sweet woman and she she said, like, I've known from the day I met him.

And that this incident occurred and that this is how your mother felt.

She's never met my mom.

She doesn't know my mom.

The allegation was not private.

It was very

public.

Because that's what I was going to say, how did she know about this?

How did this

stick?

So in their Circle immediately, though.

Like everybody knew because Ron new but does that, you know, he had told each of his wives.

He's also now been married three times and he does have four other children.

I have a 21 year old son and I'll also have 22 year old twin sisters.

Wow, whom I've not met, I have like a 34 year old brother whom I did meet that same day but he said that he was honest from the beginning with each of his wives that.

Hey, look.

Now back in the 80s.

This woman says, I raped her.

This is what happened.

She got pregnant.

We never did a DNA test, so

he knew about the

pregnancy.

Oh yeah, everybody knew about the pregnancy.

So both everyone and thought, that they might be your father and they talked about it.

I did Badger some and I just said, I don't understand.

You knew she was pregnant, like you didn't feel this innate urge to want to just know, but I guess in the 80s, it maybe men didn't have that opportunity.

They couldn't whatever.

They couldn't track.

You down.

They couldn't force you to be tested.

I did find out.

Out that my mother called the State of Florida and said hey look and because I was born in a birthing house, right?

Birth certificates were not done the same way she said hey look I you know I had this kid and the dad does not want to be in her life because either way, right neither man wanted to take responsibility without a DNA test.

Obviously, and my Dad decided, you know, he was going to raise me, he's going to be my dad and they didn't want anybody in and out.

They don't want to share me.

So the state said, we'll just have him sign the birth certificate and send it in, so, they did.

And his name is on my birth certificate.

I found my social security card that actually had my mother's maiden name when I was much younger, and she did explain that to me, by saying, well, remember, we weren't married so because we weren't married when we had you, this is after that confession, you know, one, you know, we weren't married when we had you That's how they did social security cards back then.

But I mean, it's just been.

It's been insane.

I think my biggest sadness is that it blows your whole life up, you know, I'm in a position where none of my siblings have reached out.

They don't care to know me.

They've not reached out.

I did meet the brother and it was weird.

And we were at the car lot.

And because I asked her, we had breakfast and I said, can I meet because You know, he's local and he said, yeah, he's at the dealership just you know, here's where it's at.

Come on over and I show up and there's you know, somebody that works with them is standing there looking at me and he says, man you two look like you could be related and I look it and he looks at his, you know, buddy.

Whatever he says, well Ashley is half sister, she is my daughter.

And you know, the guy's jaw just hit the ground and and it was it was you know I met him it was a couple minutes and then that was it.

And I that's the only sibling I've met.

I know that I have a sister that we definitely look alike and I've seen pictures of one of the grandmothers and I can see it now.

It's just crazy but it gets even crazier.

And you know and all the stuff that you try to use said how do you reconcile So I can reconcile that my mom, you know, married my dad, because she wanted to be taken care of, I get it right sometimes that's just the need that we have, but weirder than that is that my grandmother, my mom's mom whom was my closest like Confidant.

Like I worshipped her and my mom worshipped her great even though they had a very weird relationship.

My grandmother's husband because my grandfather babe, We're divorced, and then my grandfather passed.

But my grandmother remarried, and her husband molested me from the time.

I was eight years old at the time.

I was about 15.

Once I met my husband at 15, he did not attempt to touch me again.

So I really struggle with you married a man that hit you and drank to not disappoint your mother who then let her husband.

And Wasn't a secret.

I mean, it did come out from 8 to 10, I was quiet but at ten years old, I was in fourth grade and he came to pick me up and I about had a heart attack and I knew that I was going to be alone with him for hours and hours, and I just didn't want to do that.

And that's when it all came out and I told my mom and told Dad and everybody knew and my grandmother, they all were like, horrified.

But then at the same time they were like, well, surely, maybe she's exaggerating or whatever and so they were like, well you know, he didn't mean it and he's sorry.

And they just assumed that it quit, but it didn't.

And so now I really struggle with, and I have some anger towards the dad, that raised me.

Because he knew, yeah, that he knew that my grandmother's, you know, that his mother-in-law's husband, you know, had messed with his kid.

It's so weird.

The whole like looking at it.

How you go through the chain of events and, and I don't believe in coincidence, I believe in Providence.

And I was having this discussion with my husband earlier, like, I know that had because I told this to I said, you know, I was molested for years and he was horrified.

And he said if I don't know, that would have never happened again.

And I know that I absolutely believe that, but if I had gone back and forth between households, if this man had ever been a part of my life.

If you'd ever been a dad to me, I probably would not have met my husband.

I would not be where I'm at today, and And wouldn't have the life I have today.

I wouldn't have the kids I have today and you know, my mom, when she used to say, I wish I'd never married your dad.

I'm so sorry.

And I'm like, but if you didn't you and a hat us you and they had me.

And, of course, now I know better.

But so I absolutely.

And I told my husband this to, I said, you know, sometimes I just need to hear you say, like, I can say that about myself but I need you to say these things.

All happened as part of a plan.

Look at where we're at.

I wouldn't have you had you not And you know where you are and you know it's a lot.

It's a lot of you can't reconcile it.

You can't figure out the traumas and the things that you went through, there is no, fix for it.

There is no justice.

You just do what you do and it's still a struggle.

I mean, my mom and I we see each other almost every day.

What's that relationship?

Like, how is it

going?

It's my mother because she's never taken care of herself is very, very Juvenile and narcissistic.

I think the word to me is more calculating.

I think she is just so naive willfully, ignorant, she's willfully ignorant, it's easier for, I don't know, she's got it.

She definitely has a victim mentality and one of our big we did have A really big fight, you know, a few months ago and we do argue a lot.

This is still a point of contention because like I said, I can't understand it.

How are you?

So dumb, you can do the math.

You couldn't figure it out the kicker though.

Alexis the test was on my kitchen counter me.

Taking this test was not a surprise everybody.

Knew I was taking it and as much as I miss my grandmother.

I'm so glad that she passed before this came out.

It's hard to hate somebody that's going.

Run.

Hmm, you know.

And so there's nobody that I can go scream at or yell at or tell them that they betrayed me or how could you lie to me or how could you do this or that?

But but she's gone and I think that's probably kind of protection.

How does your mom feel about you getting to know your biological

father?

No, it's a thing.

She feels.

I think betrayed that I want to have this relationship and one of our big fights that we had because she talks to my kids about stuff that they should.

You know their kids like don't like they don't need to know my kids know this whole entire story, they know it.

And and that's some of the reason I think doesn't want to meet my kids because I think he doesn't want to be portrayed as a rapist to my kids but she told my kids, she said I got raped.

I got pregnant.

I didn't tell your mom and she's treated me like shit for a year and I just thought, wow, right?

Because this is all, it's all about you and I get it.

So like now.

All right, it did it.

Solidified?

Her drama.

It it tells her.

Yes, it's real.

Yes, it happened or the, you know, the way that she thinks that happen.

But I think she had romanticized this relationship, she had with the other guy because she didn't want it to be him, you know, she she wanted to look at it like, it was this wonderful, love affair, whatever, rather than the truth of, you know, something that she would not want to remember,

right?

That's So, that's so hard.

It's a lot.

It is a lot.

And, like you said, I think the conversations around consent, especially in the 80s were so different than they are now.

And yes, it's just a lot to take in.

How have you been processing it?

Not, I mean no, I went to a marriage Retreat like with the church group with my husband Valentine's Day, whatever.

But it really kind of opened my eyes that I have been so better.

And when I tell you like better, I'm talking like full of Rage that you can't do anything with these these feelings that you really you, you just you have to learn to live with it because I mean you can release it, but there's nobody to yell at really.

There's nobody Eddie that you can really hold.

I mean I hate to say responsible but yeah, no terribly terribly.

Every single day it would hit me.

I would you know cry at the drop of the Hat.

Fly off the handle of the drop of a hat.

I had to come home and tell my husband and tell my kids.

Like I've been a raging lunatic because I don't know how to handle my emotions and I don't know how to express how I feel, you know, when you have a toddler They're throwing a tantrum, of course.

Now we know it's because they can't express, right?

So they lay in the floor and they thrash.

So so for the last year I for a lack of better words have laid in the floor and thrashed.

Not being able to really put words to it fighting about everything else because you can't put words to how you really feel, it is really like, there's no closure.

I thought that.

There would be closure when I met him, I did feel like there was a weight lifted, but when I got back to Memphis and I realized that he was not going to really reach out, then I'm just kind of like oh okay, and I really think that there's probably like some Financial aspect, maybe they're afraid.

He's afraid that, you know, I'm going to want something or that I'm going to ask for something or that.

It's one more hand in the Coffer when Goes.

And that's probably why the blings don't want to have anything to do with me but you know, I don't want one, I don't need any of that.

We worked very hard for everything we have.

We can take care of ourselves and I don't need any of that, but to like, I don't want it, like I don't want it.

And if I did, if there ever was any thing, it would be to go back.

And I'd give it probably straight back to my dad, you know, because my dad took care of me and supported me.

So I don't know.

It just know.

What do you

hope for the future?

Like with your relationships with your your birth certificate?

Father your mom and then your bio dad I would like for my bio dad to want to know me.

It feels so painful to not want to be known.

To make no effort, like, okay, I get it.

You know, you were a kid and you didn't know for sure.

And he really, he really thought, you know, that I was the other guys.

Like, you know, that's a possibility, but I really don't think so because he thought my mom was in a very long-term relationship with the other guy.

So,

To know.

Now that he that he knows that I'm biologically.

His and I have five kids, they're his only biological grandchildren and he has no desire to meet them.

Have you asked him?

Do you want to meet them?

And he said

no, yeah, he said that he would like to get to know me better first and I told him I'd text him a few weeks ago because I got tired of waiting for a response.

And, and I said, you know, I hope one day you'd like to meet your grandkids because they're awesome.

And, you know, basically, you're missing out.

So I hate to say, it's his loss.

I mean, right.

But I think that's a coping mechanism, but it makes me sad.

It's, it feels like rejection all over again.

Hmm, my mom used to say when I was a kid, she would be like, well, I just knew, I couldn't get an abortion.

Like I never really understood why she would say that.

What she, you know, why?

Like why would that have ever been a thing?

But now, I get that in the back of her mind, she probably always wondered should know who my dad was.

You know, was it this guy that she had a super big thing for or was it this guy that she has this terrible memory of?

And so I mean I kind of can understand now where it had she had she chosen abortion that it wouldn't have been something that she probably looks at me every day and sees his face, you know?

No.

And I think at some point she knew because I do I look just like him.

Mmm.

How are things with her now?

It is, it's day by day.

She told me that, you know, she's in therapy and I'm like, that's great.

And I'm so happy for you, but like, make sure you tell them the truth because there it's just so so much like victimization, like, you know, Poor Pitiful her And it's, you know, it's always something.

I'm like tell them, tell them the truth, you know?

I mean, you may have been the victim and my conception, absolutely.

You may not have chosen the action that got me here, but you should take responsibility for every action that you took after that,

That deception about your your father.

And yeah, yeah

and I do, I get like, I don't know when a good time.

Time to told me what would have been probably when she saw the test on my counter when I told her I'm taking the test.

Yeah, especially because.

Yeah, there was, I mean, but there were so many other things like take responsibility for all the things and, you know, and I hate to say it because I do love my dad, but it probably wasn't a good decision, you know, my life could have been very different would have been very different, her life could have, would have been very different, but I think sometimes, Times it's easier to catch a ride

and how are things with your dad?

My dad and I are doing just as well as normal you know he's older he's aging he does say things from time to time that don't make sense you know?

Like because he never paid child support or he never this or he never that I don't think he needs the reassurance.

Like I still love him and I this and that there are some times that it bothers me a little bit.

What I'm going to have to get through is probably the anger I have for my mom.

Not taking her any responsibility at all and the disappointment with that.

He now knows that I'm here and that I'm not you know worthy or whatever.

Well I just want to say that you are worthy.

You are

worthy.

It's like how do you tell somebody like you know I'm great and I wish you could know me because I don't really think Like a, that's not who I am but I'm like the truth grandkids are great.

These might be your only, they might be your only biological grandchildren.

I don't know.

It's I will tell you one thing, very valuable that I learned because my sister Ashley who's not my sister, but we'll always be, you know, a sister.

My dad's other kids, do not know that I am not my dad's, I have not told them that I'm not going to tell them that.

Because I know that they probably have their own trauma because my dad did not raise them and he did not really support them.

Even if that was their mother's wishes, I still feel like, right as a father, you should take some responsibility, but I did reach out to my sister and I didn't tell her, my youngest sister Whitney.

She said you don't have to tell her everything and I said, oh okay.

That's a New Concept for me.

So what I did was I reached out and I said That I'm sorry I wasn't the sister to you that I should have been that.

I was very jealous you know as a kid finding out about you and I'm so sorry and I wish I had taken the time to get to know you I don't want them to feel the pain of like wow he took care of you and he's not even your dad but he did take care of us because like this there's trauma all the way around for like everybody.

Yeah, connected.

Into this whole little

story and it probably gave you some perspective.

Feeling rejected by your new siblings that you'd even though you were a child.

You were a child so you didn't.

Yes, you know, no.

But it gave you a new

perspective.

Oh, it did and maybe, maybe it's going to give her a little bit of peace.

I think the saddest part for me is really just knowing that that there's nothing I can do about it.

Nobody wants to know us know, my kids know me and I feel like Could be some kind of closure if they did but I can't force that and you don't want

to.

And you never know what the future holds.

That's true.

We're only a year, a year Pastime, sometimes it takes longer, sometimes it doesn't.

But I hope that there is resolution there that I,

I hope so.

It's a longing.

It's a weird, like, hole that you feel like gosh, like I had for Subway.

Things, you know.

And so, but I, but I get it because I wasn't excited.

When I found out, I was getting another one and I hope that it would be different because we're adults, right?

And I don't need anything and I don't want anything and I'm not taking away like the more, the merrier, you know.

There's enough love to go around.

Absolutely, I think that's the key right there.

There's just more love.

Yeah, it's not

a pie, right?

It's not a pie.

You're not going to lose anything like your heart can fill to accommodate.

Eight.

So what advice would you give a parent who might be, keeping a DNA surprise from their child's?

Unfortunately, I think everybody's situation is different if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't take the test.

I wouldn't take the test but for a parent who is facing that issue, I mean the truth has got to come out like you.

There's a whole generation of us that are finding out things.

Like it does not need to be, if you need a kidney, you know, or blood or you need to be the one to be brave enough to tell your family and not let it be an app or an email.

If my parents had sat me down and said, hey, look, you found the marriage license, you have found your social security card, there are these questions.

Is that you have now is the time.

I'm not saying that it wouldn't have been super traumatic back then.

However, you know how they say, kids are resilient, right?

And you bounce back.

Yeah, yeah.

You need to be the one to tell your child.

They do not need to find out from a nap.

Now, I have to

ask you a follow-up question because you, you said and I don't know that I've talked to too many people that have had this And before that, if you could go back you wouldn't take the test.

Why is that?

Well I mean

for me it's like everything blew up and there's nothing I can do to fix it and I'm such a fixer like a type.

I guess I'm type a super honest and I just have to know like all the things and this isn't something I can fix.

Even though my parents are divorced, they could be in a room together, right, eventually, right?

You know, graduations birthdays but this when you have A woman who very much feels like she was assaulted and ended up pregnant and then you have a man who very much as like that's not what happened and the sad part.

It's like he says I'm so sad and so sorry that your mom feels like that and you know, there's apologies.

When people say, I'm sorry you feel that way, but how else can you feel?

I'm sure down the road, I'll probably change my mind and be thankful that I've learned this valuable way of looking at things and Like I know that there are tools in this.

It really has pointed out to me things that I need to handle differently.

Do better.

Do I'm very thankful for my husband.

You know.

Marriage is hard, right?

Mary like relationships are hard, people are hard, but marriage is really hard and my husband and my kids have probably taken a lot of abuse over the last year.

You know, I mean, just like a mom's a tyrant and all I can Can say is like yeah I've been a giant toddler smashing through the house because it's time, you know.

So yeah, so if I had to do it over again right now I would say I wouldn't take the test ten years from now I'll probably be thankful for the things that hopefully I will continue to learn but if you're a parent and man you need to tell your kids before they find out on their own and you're still going through it.

But what advice would you give to anyone?

Who just discovered that their in npe, you need to take a step back.

You need to breathe and you To decide how much emotion you're willing to put into finding out all of your secrets and what you want to know, because this has consumed my life.

I did ancestry while I was waiting for the second test to come back because he was so delayed taking this test.

I have joined living DNA that you upload your all of your raw data and it connects you to all these other people that have taken all the other tests I joined family search, which is more of a genealogical right genealogy paperwork which is still fascinating.

And I found out that my biological father side and the dad that raised me, they're connected.

So we're still working on, right?

Because there's the paperwork side, but then there's the genealogy or there's the DNA side, right?

There's your genetics.

Yeah, there's your paperwork.

Yeah, because I haven't gotten a whole lot of response from the biological father, like it makes it more difficult to put those pieces together, but when you can trace your ancestry and I have all the way back to like, the across the oceans.

But when you know, in the what Seventeen eighteen hundreds there, weren't that many families here, right?

Right, right.

My sister, and I, we sit there on our DNA and we compare relatives and I pull relatives and relatives that are connected to me on my biological father's side or connected to her on her biological father

side.

So you are related to your birth certificate father and in

Way.

I think, you know, it was like a fifth cousin and 1/8 cup, whatever, but the next step for us is that, you know, they're their ability to process.

These tests gets better and better, right?

So my sister my half, sister and my dad my birth certificate, dad.

They're going to be taking the new tests and uploading so we can really figure out exactly because mine goes all the way up.

You know, to like the The nth degree and my sister like I can see 5,000 relatives on mine so far and she can only see like 1500 but when I when I look at those relatives it will tell me hey this one's also related to Whitney but when I when Whitney looks hers don't go back that far.

So you know you got to take another test, pay the extra money and it is funny to think like why didn't I take the test eight years ago or 10 or however long it's been And all I could think is even back then because I asked the question multiple times, I said, hey why why didn't I take the test other than I didn't want to pay for it?

And I had kids and they were taken it.

Whitney was taking it what I need to take it for and I did ask my sister, I had to ask her.

Did you know?

Did dad tell you did he tell you?

Hey, Ashley doesn't need to take this and this is why.

And she says, no.

And I believe her.

Because I think I think if she had known she would have forced them to tell me before it got to this.

But anyway, so yeah.

So said they're going to update their test and then we're going to figure out exactly how the families are connected and I'm sure there will be more to the story.

And and I know he may not have wanted this to be on a public platform, right?

With a public test and all of that but it is.

And you know so So I've already taken it and it's going to connect me to every person that takes it.

So we're at five thousand and Counting will see.

Well Ashley thank you so much for sharing your story.

It's I think it's going to help a lot of people you're not alone.

Unfortunately you know this is a this is something that happens and I think the more we talk about it the more we normalize it.

So I hope that your journey moves into a Positive direction and that you're able to find

peace.

I really.

I appreciate it.

And I thank you and keep doing what you're doing, because you sharing your story, and letting other people sugar their stories.

It is cathartic.

You can take off a little bit of the weight every time you listen to somebody who resonates with you.

So thanks again, to Ashley for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email.

Male DNA surprises at gmail.com.

And if you haven't yet, please rate, review And subscribe to the podcast on Apple podcasts and Spotify.

Until next time.