Steve’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

One of the best things I ever did for myself was to register for the DNA Surprise retreat last year.

It was shortly after I found out about my DNA Surprise and my ethnicity shift.

The retreat was a place of community and friendship and understanding and learning that I was not alone.

I learned skills to manage the shock and I was learning to begin to heal.

I was so surprised that many people were going through the very same thing or similar circumstances.

I was surprised by the empathy and the care that I received.

I was surprised in a lot of other good ways.

Is there any way you can go to the retreat this year?

I can highly recommend it in every way.

Let your story begin.

Let your healing begin.

Whether you just uncovered your DNA Surprise or you've been on this journey for a while, the DNA Surprise retreat is for you.

Registration is open now.

Join us from September 19th through the 22nd, 2024, just outside of Phoenix, AZ.

You can reserve your space at dnasurpriseretreat.com.

I'll see you there.

Speaker 2

You know, some of them are full.

The Importance of Family Connection

Well, actually I don't have any full siblings.

Now I'm an only child.

Speaker 3

I have step siblings and half siblings, but we all grew up together.

And if there were times when I knew I had put a lot of space between US and we didn't always have the greatest of relationships, and I own 100% of that, that's me.

That's on me.

And then you come to somebody with news that, hey, Jack's not my father and actually we're not related at all.

For a long portion of my life, I'd actually said to myself.

Quietly, I wish I wasn't related to these people.

I know that's a horrible thing to say, but it's what I thought, and in an instant.

That wish came true and I regretted it 1000 times over.

There was nothing more than I wanted at that split second, to remain related to my family.

Speaker 1

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.

In July 2021.

My life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPEA person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP ES adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

If there is one thing I hope we can all agree on, it's that families come in all shapes and sizes.

Many people with DNA surprises end up with 2-3 or more fathers, and just as many mothers too.

When Steve experienced his DNA surprise, he already had two men in his life that he called Dad.

After he learned the truth about who his biological father is, he added a third to the list.

In this week's episode, Steve shares how he uncovered the truth.

Trust me when I say it's an extremely unique story and not much surprises me these days.

Thank you for sharing your story, Steve.

My name is Steve.

Steve’s Story

I AM 60 years old and I'm from Mason OH, which is a suburb of Cincinnati, OH.

My DNA surprise story starts with eons ago when my mom had a story that she used to tell us.

And that story was that all of us kids had a Native American background.

We all had a Native American heritage.

And as I've listened to some other stories, I come to hear that maybe that's that's fairly common.

You know, moms and dads of that generation love to tell their kids that the they had some, you know, Native American background.

Absolutely.

You hear that a lot.

And that story really travelled with me my entire life.

Matter of fact, I I worked for GE for a while and they had heard that I had some Native American background.

They actually wanted me to consider changing my EEO code, my equal opportunity code.

I said, well, I'm not really sure how much there is, but anyway, life progresses and I happened to, you know, and marry a very wonderful woman.

My wife, Becky and Becky is a part time forensic genealogist.

She loves doing genealogical research and actually does it for a few attorneys.

So one day, she says.

Hey, why don't we?

Let's build your family.

Tree.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

You know that sounds like fun for you.

And so off she goes building my, my tree.

And after a while, she said.

You know, I found a lot of your ancestors, but I'm.

I'm really having.

Trouble locating any of the the Native American background I.

Said OK, she said.

You know what you should do?

You should take.

ADNA test because and this was ancestry.com.

Said.

You know you'll you'll get a.

Breakdown of your genetic makeup and we can find out how much of you is is actually Native American.

Wonderful.

So we took the test and sense it off and I don't know, 4-5.

Six weeks later it comes back and we're looking at our my genetic makeup and it says you are about 50% German and you're 35% English and you're, you know, 10% Scottish And you look down, it says Native American 0.00, you are not Native American, which was a bit of a shock.

How did you feel when you saw that?

You know, I I felt 1A little disappointed.

And then I, you know, there's also an element of the fact that you're like, you know, the the person that you trusted the most in your entire life has kind of been telling you a story, maybe hadn't been honest with you.

It was, I'll say, a little frustrating.

But, you know, knowing my mom, it, it wasn't incredibly surprising either.

She was known to tell a tall tale or two every once in a while.

So that was the end of the story.

That's the end of my DNA story.

Or so I thought.

A few weeks later, Ancestry emailed and said, hey, you've got a a very close relation.

OK, let's look at that.

They said you have a first cousin, not like a a cheap sixth cousin or, you know, those generic 4th cousins, but you have a first cousin.

So again, I'm thinking, well, I wonder which one of my cousins?

Took the test.

Because I know them all.

We're all from the Cincinnati area, Northern Kentucky.

Matter of fact, most of my family's from Northern Kentucky.

The voice that you hear right now is actually learned behavior because most of my family actually talks like this.

You know, good God loving God fearing Northern Kentucky people.

I go to look at my my results and it's I have a cousin in Prince Edward Island, Canada, which is an absolute shock to me because I I know all my cousins.

I know them all.

And there's this has got to be some kind of mistake because like I said, you know, we're all from Kentucky.

Most of us couldn't point Canada out on a map or spell it if you, you know, if you gave you spotted us the can and the duh, I think we'd still struggle.

But anyway, we reached out to this young man.

His name's John.

It's like John, do you have any idea?

How we could?

Possibly be related.

I mean, this is first cousins.

That means you're one of your parents, one of my parents or siblings.

That just doesn't make any sense.

I know my mom.

I know my dad.

He knew his.

We just couldn't figure it out.

But we did realize that.

Probably the easiest way to figure it out was to have my full sister Laura, and then also to have my cousin Sandy have those two young ladies take adna test and however we all relate it to John.

That would kind of triangulate the story, if you will.

There could be only one answer at that point.

We would know who did who at the zoo as a thought of saying so I called my sister and said, you know sis here, I'm going to send you adna test kit and I want you to take it.

She said fine, so she did.

She called me back 6810 weeks later or whatever it was and said Steve I've I got my tests back.

I'm rarely having trouble with the with the results.

I said, well just read it to me, just tell me what you see.

Matter of fact, just go to your connections page and let's talk about who you see.

And she said, I see all of these cousins on our mother's side, which was no surprise because those showed up on my my test too.

So you know the same names we both have the same names.

She says.

I don't see John at all.

He's nowhere on my report and said it also says I have a a 1/2 brother, 1/2 brother, no.

And she gave my initials 1/2 brother.

Who's that?

And I said, Laura, that's me, that's me.

I'm your half brother, She said, That can't be Mom is our mom and dad is our dad.

And I said no love with everything that you just read to me.

Mom is our mom.

Dad is your dad.

He's not mine.

And it was.

It was probably one of the most horrible and excruciating moments I've had in my life for multiple reasons, one of which is I'm on an airplane at the moment.

I'm, I'm, we're literally sitting at the terminal at the gate.

The door is open.

I am taking this phone call at one of the most public places you can possibly be, and you get some of the most private news that you will ever get in your life.

And I think the other reason why it was just so, so crushing to me is even though my mom and dad had divorced when I was 5, both of them had remarried my father.

My dad, Jack, was just an absolute pillar and foundation in my life.

He was everything to me and I just thought he was the greatest guy and he was my biggest fan.

He showed me what what true and unconditional love is.

I was so fortunate to have him in my life.

He.

Passed in 1999, and in some ways I'm glad that he's not here to experience this, but it was gut wrenching.

It really was.

It was so painful.

What was going through your head at that point when you realized my dad's not my dad?

The moment I realized my dad wasn’t my dad

Honestly, when my dad passed in 99, I happened to be on a plane and I had just landed in Boston.

I was sitting on an airplane when I got the message that I lost him.

And then, you know, about 20 years later, once again, I'm sitting on the plane and my dad has taken from me a second time.

It it is, it is so difficult to comprehend that feeling.

Unless you've been through it.

There's just no way to understand it.

There's not words that equate to that.

I I could give you other words, but they're just, they're just not.

They're not enough.

Honestly, they're not enough.

It just it knocks the wind out of you.

Actually, at that, at that moment, I actually panicked and I got up to get off the plane.

I literally said I'm not staying on this plane because, you know, an hour and a half long flight or whatever I was going to take.

Just as I stood up, the flight attendant said, you know, ladies and gentlemen, the front boarding door is closed.

Everybody needs to sit down.

That includes you silly guy right there.

You sit down.

So I had to, I had to process all of that.

Just.

Sitting right there on an airplane, it was it's horrible.

Jack was wonderful.

Jack was, you know, here's just everything that you know, a son could want a dad.

Over the next few days, as I continued to process that, I think the biggest thing was I felt like the story of me was a lie.

Everything that I had.

Not everything, but a large portion of the the foundation and the bases.

Which I had built my person upon.

Being Jack's son, something I was so proud of, there were major cracks in that.

I I I I.

Truly struggled with it and for those of us who've experienced, I, I call it becoming Adna Orphan.

You know, if you've become Adna Orphan, you understand that cycle that you begin to go through.

And I did.

The next day I was sitting at home and.

I would say I I I can't believe this.

I've lost everything.

This is crazy.

This is this is just destroyed.

You know who I am, and then your rational mind kicks in and says.

But wait a minute.

You are still who you are.

You're you're still in a place, wherever you are in your life, and that's where you are.

Nothing's really changed.

And you know, look back at that point, I was 58 years old.

What in the last 58 years has changed with this new news?

And the answers truly nothing.

Well, your brain begins to tell you you're totally OK, and then you fall apart again.

And you know that cycle I I timed it, It's about 7 minutes and you just keep going over it time and time again.

Did you talk to your wife about this, like when you landed or or what?

Did you?

Do you know what were your next steps like after you got off the plane?

The next steps after the phone call

She was sitting right next to me.

Oh, she was with you?

She was with me.

Yeah.

We were coming back from vacation.

So she caught it real time.

She was listening to the phone call.

Even she admits she was, you know, of course, very empathetic, very caring.

And, you know, felt very bad for me.

But then on the other hand, she was like, oh.

My God, I got a new.

Mystery to solve, you know, There was a little bit of excitement for her.

So were you instantly wanting to know who was your biological father?

Yes, yes.

So I mean that was Saturday, Sunday morning, we were having coffee and I looked up at her and I said back, I'm 58 years old, I have no idea who my dad is, who my, my, my biological father is.

I said, can you, can you help me?

She said absolutely.

So I went to work the next morning and she started the quest.

And and you know this, you know this.

Sometimes those searches can take months, years, decades.

Sometimes you never find the results at all.

You just, you just don't.

I think she started, you know, Monday at about 10:00 and Tuesday at 2:00 in the afternoon, my cell phone pinged.

It was her.

She said Bingo I.

Got him?

What?

Did you learn?

Oh.

It was.

Again, this was so strange.

Becky located Peter, my father, my biological father.

He was a Canadian citizen.

He had moved to the US.

In the late 50s, I'm born in 1963 with John's help, my Canadian cousin.

With John's help, she realized it had to be one of John's uncles.

He had five or six of them and she very quickly eliminated 4 of them just because of, you know, they were dead or whatever they were.

Then she she looked for and located Peter.

But he was in New York, but so she actually found him on immigration forms going in and out of the US.

So New York to London, London to New York, NY to Spain, Spain to New York NY to London, London to Cincinnati, OH in 1961.

The Infidelity of My Mother

I was born in 1963.

He had actually had a job working for the British Overseas Airways Corporation, BOAC.

We know them as British Airways, and he moved to Cincinnati, OH just shortly before I was conceived.

And my mom was married for four years to Jack when I was conceived.

And you know, I don't know what else you say about that.

So clearly there was some sort of infidelity.

Yeah, Yes, yes, yes.

And there was and.

How did you feel when you realized that?

Like, what's your relationship like with your mom?

Well, my mom and I had not had a great relationship for quite some time, primarily because of the way that she had treated my dad, Jack.

We were not in regular contact at all.

And in some ways it was just, it was just another wait, it was just another thing that quite frankly made me very angry at her, not because of maybe what happened, you know, I I try to look back at that and say, you know, you don't know what was going on.

You you don't know what the situation was.

My mom, I believe, had a very rough upbringing in many ways.

I believe she used men and her marriages as as a as a way to progress up the social ladder.

And I know that's a horrible thing to say, but the more I dug into the story, that's really the more that I I found out.

So I wasn't happy about it.

But I did call her and say, look, I'd like to come over.

I believe I have found something that belongs to you.

So I I drove over to her house.

She lives in the area and John had sent me a picture of my biological father and when he was in his late 20s.

And when you look at that picture and any picture of me in that same age area, there's absolutely no DNA test required.

We look so incredibly similar.

So I took that picture and a picture of Peter at about the age when she would have known him.

And I went over to the house.

And I'm not incredibly proud of this.

I mean, I I went over loaded for bear.

I I went over in an angry state.

And I I laid the picture down on the table and I slid it across to her.

My first questions to her were anything you got to tell me?

She picked up the picture, looked at it, said, I I don't know who this is.

Who's this supposed to be?

Your father?

I said, well, that's a pretty bizarre question to ask.

I mean, Jack is my father, is he not?

I mean, Jack is my fatherhood.

That man's not Jack.

Why would you say that?

She muttered something.

And I said, well yeah, whenever I'm trying to really make my mom angry, I call her by her first name because that that makes all mountains incredibly angry, as when you use their first name.

So I said no, Barb, that is.

I think you already knew.

Matter of fact, I think you've known for quite some time.

Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure you've known for decades.

I'm not sure if she knew when I was born.

But I have to tell you, by the time I was five, I think she had to have a very strong ankling, if she didn't already know.

And by the time I was 20, there was no doubt.

There could be no doubt in your mind.

Just because of how you look, she should have known.

Well, not only.

Because of how I look, but also because of how I acted and who I was.

I have fourteen siblings and I do not look or act like any of them.

We are very, very different people.

Even though we were raised in similar environments.

I just have a different view of life.

I have a different view of of of the way things should be.

We we all process things differently.

We all hold.

Just significantly different values, which is so bizarre because we grew up in the same house.

But it had always been a problem for me my entire life.

I knew I was different.

You know you.

Hear the Sesame Street song.

Which one of these things is not like the others, right?

Which one of these things doesn't fit?

I knew it was me.

I mean, we had a house full of shoes and I was a spoon.

I mean, I was just that different than all my siblings.

And at 11 years old, I'd ask my mom if I was adopted.

OK, so you you knew, knew, knew that you were different to the to the point that you thought you were from another family.

Yes.

What did you say at that time?

She says no, you weren't adopted.

I had you.

I have.

Pictures of you when you were a baby.

No, you're not adopted.

Which, you know, that's that's one of those things that's 100% accurate and completely false at the same time, right?

It's 100% accurate.

I am her child.

She knew what the real question was.

She didn't answer it right.

And so my entire life I knew I was different and it and it caused problems because, and I want to be super clear about this, my siblings are all super people.

They are wonderful people.

They are loving people.

They are caring people.

But when you feel that different being around your siblings, either consciously or or unconsciously, you begin to put space between you and them.

I did it.

I know I did.

Because just below the surface of my conscious thought, I was.

Always.

So I'll at ease with being around my own siblings, not because they were alike, but because I could tell I'm an alien here.

And when you're super young, you don't think much of it, but as time goes on you that feeling just grows and occasionally pops up into your conscious mind.

I mean, I I said to multiple people, I said, you know, I I just don't understand where I came from.

Of course you say those things, you say those words.

You never really think about the fact that you know that might actually be true.

Yes, I completely relate to that.

It's like, why did I end up so different from my family?

Why am I, why do I care about these things?

And.

But I never thought I'm not of this family.

That's why.

So you're sitting across from your mom, you've confronted her.

The Conversation with My Mother

She's being kind of standoffish, it sounds like, about the whole thing doesn't.

Work.

Evasive, Yeah.

Does she give you any more information?

Well, it's funny.

So I slide the pictures.

I asked her the questions.

You know, she basically denies.

Her next response after that was I'm not admitting to anything.

I said you don't have to admit to anything.

I actually now at this point have six different DNA tests that confirms that.

That man, Peter.

Is my biological father.

I'm not asking you to admit to anything.

I already know the truth, she said.

Well, what can you tell me about him so?

What can I tell you about him?

I can't tell you anything about him.

You're the person that was with him, not me.

The conversation went downhill from there, if you can imagine that.

You know, at one point she says we did things back in the 50s and the 60s that we never thought we'd have to justify today.

I was like, yeah, well, that.

OK, well, that makes it all OK.

And then I think the coup de grace, the one that just all but ended the conversation for me, was when she looked at me and said, I don't know what you're so upset about, look at your life.

Everything turned out pretty well for you.

That's incredibly invalidating, yeah.

It bordered on MEAN, and I know your listeners don't know me very well, but if you want to go to MEAN, I can go there really quickly, and I probably did.

I left there without any information and I realize that's probably my fault.

My mother knows me well enough to know when I'm in full attack.

Mode and I'm I'm sure she saw it when I came in the door.

I'm sure I put her on the defensive instantly.

That meeting went so poorly and after it initially went that way, I laid all of that on her for being evasive and and denying and everything.

And as time has passed I've looked back at at it and I said, you know dude, that's 100% on you, you you can't expect her to answer questions when you're pointing a gun at her head.

I mean, of course I wasn't pointing a gun at her head, but you know, metaphorically I I mean I I said some horrible things.

So and.

I would just say give yourself some grace there because this is a very shocking and traumatic thing and I think sometimes our initial reactions are not what we would want them to be, but they are genuine and they are how we are feeling in the moment.

Well, I was definitely feeling it, and I wanted to make sure that she felt it too.

The story, by the way, gets more bizarre, so I leave.

And for anyone who's gone through this experience, they know that you'll be fine for days or weeks at a time and then out of nowhere, these emotions will just will just roil up out of you and sometimes uncontrollably.

So.

So again, we're Becky and I are sitting at the home at our house and having coffee and it I am just, I just lose it.

I mean nothing.

No trigger nothing.

Then I start on a rant and I said I can't believe she lied to.

Me.

She has known for decades.

I thought I was going to surprise her with those pictures.

What I realized is she had been expecting this conversation anytime over the last 40 years.

She knew it was coming at some point.

I'm just honestly just complaining of a storm to my wife.

And I said I just wish I knew what she was thinking back when, you know, back in the 60s, early 60s when I was conceived, my wife looks at me and says, have you read her book?

I said I'm sorry.

Her what?

Have you read her book?

She wrote a.

Book, I said.

My mom did not write a book.

Becky turns to the computer, turns the screen around right there on Amazon.com, A book of my mom's life right there.

And I said, I cannot believe that.

She said, yeah, let me get a copy.

I said get a used copy.

I don't want to get her any money.

So we got a used copy.

It comes in and she says, would you like to read it?

And I saw I'm not going to read it, you read it.

And so we're again, we're sitting there at the kitchen table and Becky's looking, reading through it.

And I mean, it is.

She is not.

A few pages into it and she reaches for a highlighter, a yellow highlighter.

I'm thinking, what the hell could be written in a book that you want to highlight like that?

She gets not. 5 minutes into her reading, she folds the book clothes and looks at me and says, sweetie, you need to read this.

But I have to tell you up front, you're not going to be happy.

OK, So I begin to read it.

And she was right.

Barb wrote the book very generically, so she doesn't use anyone's names.

She doesn't use any dates, very few locations.

She talks about her first marriage and then she talks about her second marriage, which was to my dad, Jack.

And then she talks about her third marriage to my stepfather or my stepdad, Jerry, great guy, and all of the activities that went on during that time period.

And these are direct quotes from the book, which was after she had divorced her, her first husband.

She said, I found myself alone in a world with two children.

Those would be my older half sisters, Kathy and Terry.

I'm the next one in line to be born.

So I found myself alone in a world, you know, with two young children, two small children.

My life was nothing about men, sex and money.

Couple sentences later, guys would say, hey, let's go to Miami this weekend.

Let's swing.

Everybody's doing it shortly thereafter.

Let's see, we've got some guys coming to the hotel, Da da, da, da, before she divorces my dad.

The pace was such that I had to take black mollies, which are amphetamines, to keep up the pace.

So while the book doesn't say it this way and you, you kind of got to take the individual sentences and then kind of stitch them together.

It's pretty clear that I was born at A.

Out of state multi hotel room, amphetamine fueled swingers club, which I'm not sure anybody's ever said that on your podcast before.

No, that that is a first.

That's a lot to take in.

That's a lot to process.

And I think depending on, you know, your personal views about sex and drugs and all of those things, that's going to change how you feel about it.

But how did you feel reading that and realizing that that is how you were conceived?

I read it and I thought this, this, this can't be real, that that's just so strange.

So I start reading the whole book and everything that I knew that she wrote in there, that I had experienced.

Everything that I can confirm is true.

So there's no reason why what she wrote before I was born is not.

True I.

Have to say there's.

Not much that's more disturbing than reading about your own or hearing about your own conception.

How Becky knew about the book

Unless you.

Unless it's reading about your own conception and a book your mom has on Amazon it.

It was a bit much, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And how did how did Becky know about the book?

I mean, obviously she's an expert researcher, but how did she know about it and you didn't?

She actually remembered Barb approaching my stepdad Jerry to sign a release for his name to be used in the book.

And here's the horrible part.

She did it at my older step sister's funeral.

So my stepdad Jerry, who's also one of the I was so lucky I got raised by two separate men, Jack and Jerry.

They're wonderful guys.

Jerry was a great dad too, is a great dad.

And he had lost his one of his two daughters to cancer And Barb brings a release form for the book.

Stunning, but Becky remembered.

That.

Wow, OK, so you read this.

Understandable.

I think that your first reaction is, is this even real?

Is this fiction?

Then everything else adds up.

So then you realize, OK, this is real.

Did you follow up with your mom, Barb, after you read the book?

So I did not immediately and and actually there was something in that passage that I read that just there was something there eating at me.

Everything is written so vaguely.

But there was one word that was so specific.

Miami didn't make any sense to me.

Why she would write almost a vanilla story, but use a very specific city name.

And this is back in 1963, and she was married to a city bus driver, Jack.

Jack drove a bus for what we call the Queen City Metro.

It's a Cincinnati Bus Bus authority here in 1963, jetting off to Miami for the weekend.

That's not something that you did.

I mean that's that'd be.

Like a four or $5000 ticket today, Miami, I I couldn't place it.

And then, And then I remembered a Beatles song back in the USSR, and it starts off flew back from Miami Beach BOA.

C British Overseas Airways Corporation Didn't get to bed last night all the way.

The paper bag was on my knee.

Man, I had a dreadful flight.

I'm back in the USSR.

I Can't Sing.

I apologize to anybody who's listening to that.

But then that completely made sense my.

Biological father worked for British Airways.

So he was able to get to Miami and then?

And take her.

Take.

No, it's just, you know, I.

I'm so fortunate that I was of the age I was when I discovered all of this.

At that point, I was I was actually slowing down our businesses.

We were.

Getting ready to retire all that information wasn't really going to alter my life, but I have to tell you if you're if you're 25 or 30 years old, I think that would.

Really, really Rock You as an individual or could.

As someone who found out at 35, yes, very much.

Yeah, but you know, I.

I do have to tell you as.

Bumpy as this ride has been, it's been absolutely fantastic.

As soon as I learned about Peter, my biological father, everything made perfect sense.

I'm not like my siblings.

Well, there's a reason for that.

It actually.

Gave me peace.

It actually gave me closure to all these questions I'd had all my life.

The other thing that it did, and this was I would say one of the greatest benefits that came out of it at some point I had to share all this with my siblings.

You know, there's a time where you you process it, you process it.

And I I think it's OK that that you don't speak.

But then at some point, I don't know when that is, you're now lying through omission.

So I had to go talk to my different siblings and you know, tell them what was up all cards face up and I am just sitting there desperately hoping that they don't take the exit ramp.

I'm just afraid that it was going to ruin our relationship.

And here's the message I have, which is if someone loved you before truly loved you before your DNA results, they will love you after your DNA results.

I remember taking my DNA results to.

My stepmom, so the wife of Jack, Jack's wife, Marianne, wonderful woman.

And to some of my step brothers and sisters.

So since I Jack wasn't my father, they weren't my step siblings.

And I had my DNA test results with me, and I shared the information.

I I said, and she's my stepmom, but I call her mom, mom.

And she said, I am.

One of my brothers was there and I just said I I got something to say.

And I I just don't know how else to say it other than to just say it.

I have DNA test results and Jack's.

Jack's not my dad.

My stepmom looked up and said, is that what you came down to tell us?

I said yes, ma'am.

Oh, hell, Steve, I thought you were going to tell us that you and Becky are getting divorced.

No one's going to care about that piece of paper.

Your dad loved you more than I could say.

He wouldn't care if he was sitting right here.

My stepbrother looked over and asked me if I was OK.

Which, by the way, is just a beautiful question to ask someone who's delivering this kind of nose.

Are you OK?

I said yeah, Yeah, I am.

And he took the DNA results and said this held him up in his hands, Just tossed him over towards the garbage can.

He said.

You've been my brother as long as I can remember.

There's no piece of paper that's going to tell me any different.

I don't give a damn what that says.

That's amazing.

I imagine that was a huge relief.

It was some of the most beautiful moments I've had in my life.

I mean, it's true grace, right?

It's true grace.

I've given these people reasons to hit the exit ramp up, but instead they just embraced me and dismissed anything.

Right.

They dismissed anything that was a problem.

And our relationships have actually all been closer since then.

What connection were you able to make, if any, with Peter's family and and with had he passed when you found?

Connection with Peter’s family and his death

This out Peter had.

Passed in 82.

His wife had passed.

Peter had no biological children.

Peter actually had gotten remarried.

His new wife had passed.

We unfortunately haven't been able to speak with really anyone in any great detail about Peter.

Here's what I do know about Peter.

I know that DNA is incredibly strong.

I know I look like him.

I know my dad Jack, the bus driver for Queen City Metro.

My step dad, Jerry, was a truck driver for Holland Motor Express.

Great Salt the earth.

Hard working guys.

Great guys.

I'm the first person in my family to get a college education.

I'm an entrepreneur.

My companies have actually all been in the sales and sales technology arena.

I teach and train sales people to be better sales.

People.

Peter, my biological father.

Oh, and by the way, my company's called Top Gun Sales Performance.

I picked an aviation motif out of the blue.

Never met Peter.

He worked for British Airways.

His job was a regional sales executive.

He taught and trained all of their sales agents, and he too, was a public speaker.

Matter of fact, the day he died, he was giving a keynote speech at an industry forum when he walked back to his table, sat down, had a heart attack and died.

Oh my gosh, I have goosebumps.

That is wild.

Isn't that bizarre?

Was that validating for you?

You know, you talk about how you felt so different from your family for so long, and then to hear that your biological father was so similar to you in so many ways.

Oh, so scary similar.

Yeah, it was.

So it was very validating.

I finally felt for the first time in my life, I felt complete, no offense whatsoever.

Took to my family, to the to the people who I I love, and they love me none whatsoever.

But what it did is it answered all of those questions.

Why am I so different?

Why do I have this really strange love for?

Aviation that no one else in my family has.

Why did I have this drive to go to college?

Why did I?

Become an entrepreneur.

He was those same things.

Peter was those same things.

And it I now realize that I am fortunate enough to have three dads.

I had Jack, who was the man who was so central to my life.

He divorced my mom.

They got divorced and she married another man, Jerry.

Jerry was a step dad's.

He's the best.

He divorced my mom 25 years ago and we spoke last week because we still talk all the time and I still call him dad.

But when I look at Jack and Jerry and I compare them to to myself, there's a set of characteristics that are missing from those two men.

But they were all in Peter.

What's leftover, I guess, came from Peter.

I kind of feel sad for people who only have one dad.

I was blessed with three.

Now, after a couple of years, I've also got to the point where I I'm at peace with what happened everywhere.

And I hate to some people won't believe in this, and I'm not sure how much of it.

I believe I was having lunch with a friend of mine.

Matt and I was telling Matt all of this stuff that that had happened and he could hear the vitriol and the anger and the frustration coming out.

My voice regarding Barb, my mom.

And he said to me, Ozzie, you can't be mad at her.

And I said, Matt, actually I can.

I'm I've I've actually gotten really good at it.

I think I.

Could teach a college course on it.

And he said no, my friend.

You see, before you guys came here to this plane of existence, Peter and Barb had decided they were going to have you.

It was part of the plan, part of the life plan, he said.

The reason that you can't be mad at them, it's because it was your plan too.

You were in on it.

So you need to let all that shit go.

Everything happened the way it was supposed to happen.

That was his belief.

I I think I might believe it too.

OK, so you've reached this place of peace and and talking to you before I can tell you really are there.

How Ozzie got to this place of peace

How did you get there?

What did you do to process this?

I didn't get there by myself.

Matter of fact, I wouldn't have gotten there by myself.

There was no way.

It's my family.

My family brought me here.

My wife, my two daughters, infinite support and love.

My full sister, who's now my half sister Laura.

She just wrapped her arms around me and just said nothing changes between us, bro, nothing changes.

My oldest sister Kathy has just smothered me in love and care and just make sure that I felt great.

My step brother Jerry, I mean, I I could just go through the names with everyone worked so hard to make sure that I was OK.

You know, time helps.

Couple years for me might take longer, for others may not take as long.

Just the loving encouragement of my family.

And I guess that's really what the crux of all this is, right?

It's about that word, family.

It's the family.

It's the family you thought you had.

Maybe it's the family you thought you lost.

Maybe it's the family you thought you lost but you didn't really lose.

Because I guess the definition as I have found it, you know your your birth certificate that tells you.

Who the government thinks your family is and your DNA test is what science says your family is.

I think both of those are wrong because.

I think your family is who your heart tells you.

Your family is.

I think your family.

Are those people?

That hold you in their heart and they hold your heart and your hands.

You know, if you think about it, when when you are absolutely on your knees and the shit hits the fan, who's the person that's going to kick the door open and put themselves squarely between you and your problems?

That right there, That's your family.

That's your family.

If you share DNA, that's wonderful.

If you if you have the same mom and dad, that's great.

But you don't have to.

It's just the people that love you so.

Well said.

So well said.

What is next for you in this DNA surprise journey?

What’s Next

Have you put it behind you?

Are you doing anything looking ahead the?

Story is so bizarre.

I have had so many people say you've got to write this down.

And so I've begun.

I've begun to do that.

It might just end up being a therapy exercise.

Or it might someday find itself on Amazon, right next to my mom's Book that.

'D be great, wouldn't it?

The thing about the story, my story has been every time I think I got to the end of it, we find more stuff and it gets more bizarre.

I finally just told Becky to stop looking.

Please, I I don't.

I can't take much more of you know the here if on my next.

Birthday a flying saucer would come down and an alien with a big head and the big you know dark almond eyes got off and and came and said Steve actually I'm your father.

I, you know, I'd I'd look at the trajectory of the story and say, yeah that's about right, that's.

Well, that that wouldn't shock me.

I'd like to do whatever I can to help others that find themselves, you know, DNA orphans.

Yeah, what advice do you have for a parent who is keeping Adna Surprise from their child?

Look, you want to get in front of it.

I know you think that you are protecting them.

I know you think that you're trying to not hurt them if you know you need to have that conversation.

'Cause it's a whole lot better having that conversation than having the other conversation.

It's a whole lot better to have the, you know, darling, I need to tell you something conversation than the mom.

What the hell conversation?

Here's the other thing.

I went and I realized this later.

I went to see my mom, and when I did, I was only looking for two words, two words, three, depending on the how you count the contraction.

But it's.

I'm sorry.

That's all I wanted to hear.

And that's all Adna Orphan will want to hear.

You can start with anything.

Look, I was in a bad place.

Look, I made bad decisions.

I had whatever.

Or hey.

I was just having a hell of a lot of fun and that was our life at the time and whatever.

But I'm sorry.

I can tell it caused you pain or I know that I hurt you and I'm sorry.

I never meant to do that.

I'm delighted you're here in my life.

I'm delighted that you're alive and wouldn't give you up for anything.

But I'm sorry that maybe those actions aren't what you want to hear.

And I love you.

It's so well set in terms of, yeah, how to how to handle it after the fact.

Advice for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise

What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise?

Hear my words.

It's all going to be OK.

I know.

Right now you may be sitting on the floor somewhere.

And you, it's just disassembled you.

The story of me is now a.

Fable or a lie?

It's OK.

I promise you.

It's going to be OK.

The people who loved you before your test will be the same people who will love you after your test.

It will be OK.

I know it doesn't seem like a power through.

Keep in your mind.

Just love and forgiveness.

Just keep those things in your mind.

Love and forgiveness.

They'll help you.

Steve got me a little choked up there.

Steve, thank you so much for joining me today and sharing your story.

It is certainly unique, but so many of the the threads that you talk about, the feelings that people go through are so relatable.

So thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

And I just wish you continued peace as you continue to navigate.

It thank you so much.

It was an absolute delight and I so appreciate what you're doing for the community, I really do.

Thank you.

Thanks again to Steve for sharing his story.

If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprisespodcast.com.

Until next time.

This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.