Daughter Dee’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

The New Year often brings about big changes, but if you've experienced Adna Surprise, you know that the change to your life following these discoveries is like no other.

If you felt the unexpected shock of Adna Surprise, you are invited to the DNA Surprise Retreat in Phoenix, AZ from September 19th to the 22nd.

Immerse yourself in a supportive environment where you'll gain essential coping skills and rediscover your inner strength.

You'll learn from six expert LED sessions, eat delicious meals, and perhaps most importantly, connect with other people who understand you.

Registration for the DNA Surprise retreat is open.

Reserve your space today at dnasurpriseretreat.com.

I'll see you there.

Speaker 2

My nurture is very strong.

But then there's that nature part of the that I didn't understand, like why I was exhibiting certain mental characteristics, why I had certain physical characteristics.

I never got the clear answers on those.

And then after a while, I just had to accept what they told me and what was.

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.

In July 2021.

My life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPEA person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP ES adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

Sometimes DNA surprises happen more than once.

NP ES adoptees and donor conceived people might have their world shaken, only to have it happen again months, years or even decades later.

In this week's episode, daughter Dee shares her late Discovery adoptee experience, which was followed 3 decades later by an NPE.

She shares how she learned that she was adopted, how she uncovered the truth about her biological father, and how she's turned her experiences into helping others.

Thank you for sharing your story, daughter Dee.

I'm daughter Dee, age 55, and I live in the Maryland area in the Washington DC region.

My DNA surprise story started in 2021 and it was close to my birthday.

I started watching television one day when I was working from home and all these 23andMe commercials kept coming on and I kept wondering, I wonder if I should do ADNA test.

There was this side that I didn't know about on my paternal side and I wanted to learn more.

It was just some information that was missing and I decided that I was going to order a kit so I ordered it in February and ironically it arrived on my birthday March 1st and I just thought I was going to go out and celebrate.

This was my 53rd birthday and I decided I would wait to do the kit.

So I waited a week, March 8th and I swabbed my mouth, sent the kit in and the results came back the end of March and when they came back they weren't but I thought they were going to be.

I thought I was going to get us some information based on the birthright that I was told 30 years ago.

In 1991, I was told that it was one man that had died in a car accident and that he was the only child from his parents.

His mother was still living at the time and we had a hard time bonding.

When she found out that she had this granddaughter, she just wasn't sure about me.

I just wasn't getting the warm and fuzzies from her, the good vibes.

But that was the narrative, I was told.

And how old were you when he died in a car accident?

I was about 3 months old.

OK, so you've never had a relationship with?

That man, No, he I was in a pre adopted foster home waiting to get adopted and I didn't know I was adopted.

You know, I'm, I'm an infant, so I I'm a late discovery adopter.

So I didn't even find out until 23 years later of my life that I was adopted.

But once I found out, I was told it was this man that was my birth father.

So that was the narrative for, like, the next 31 years of my life.

Going back, you said you were a late discovery adoptee, so you were adopted at how many months old?

About 2 1/2 months.

So I was in a pre adopted foster home from about March 6th to about May 21st.

We were raised in the Christian home and we had traditional values.

My father was born in 1921, so he lived through a lot of decades.

He was a World War 2 veteran and he worked for the federal government and around like I'm working for the federal government close to retirement now and he was very community oriented and I'm very community oriented and civic minded.

So I get a lot of that from him and my mother was a homemaker and we were young and I'm thinking that was probably with us being adopted.

You know, she wanted to make sure that we had a good upbringing in it.

You know, she was taking care of us, you know, from a maternal standpoint.

But she ended up working later in life.

But in the early years she was a stay at home mom and she she went to, she was in different professions like social worker, teacher, she was always into like just an entrepreneurial pursuits and she was just a a very good nurturing mother.

Like I learned a lot from her.

Just about being a lady and being punctual was huge, like just being having a good work ethic.

Education was pushed having religion to believe in and just making sure that we had goals in life and that we could achieve anything we wanted to achieve if we put our mind to.

OK.

And they never told you you were adopted?

You know they did not.

And how did you learn that information?

Because you said you were in your 20s when you found that out.

Yes, I have an adoptive sister that's four years older than me and she was adopted at a year old and I was 2 1/2 months.

So everyone knew that she was adopted, but they didn't know about me as far as my relatives or my adoptive son.

So when our mother was dying in 1991 and June of 1991, that's a lot of things started coming out about the past and the history.

And my doctor's sister told me she found out she was adopted.

She didn't know about me, but here was the name of the agency they went through to adopt her.

So I started researching it and I said, well, you know, and I'm we got the diagnosis that she was critical and that it was irreversible, her condition, which was cancer.

But I still had hope that she was going to pull through and she never pulled through.

She succumbed to cancer and she took the secret to the grave with her that we were adopted.

So I never got to talk with her about it.

How did you learn then who your your biological parents were, or who you thought were your biological parents until you took your test?

Right.

So after my my adoptive mother died, I found my birth mother and her family that same year through the adoption agency.

And going back to what I said about the the birth father, I was told that this it was this one man that was that died in the car accident and I had met his mother and and I wanted to do adna test with her back then and it wasn't really out then.

We probably could have done some type of blood test in 1991, but she didn't want to do it.

She just felt like I had been adopted.

I had a good life and you know, everything happened the way it was supposed to happen.

So that was a narrative for 30 something years.

And then in 2021, during the pandemic, you know, I was just dying for a connection and family and wanting to know more about MyHeritage on that eternal biological side.

So I thought I would do the DNA test to see if there was any medical history that would pop up or maybe some other relative not thinking that when I did the DNA test that it was going to be a totally different man.

It showed up that I was matched to you know, like 100%.

Oh, OK, so you get your results and you are actually matched to your father.

Yes, my biological father.

What was your reaction when you saw that?

It was a shock.

It was kind of like when I found out I was, I adopted at 23.

I said this, this is someone else's life, you know?

It was like a soap opera.

Like, I just couldn't believe that.

Here I go again with another surprise.

First not knowing that I was adopted all my life and then thinking I knew who my first father was 30 something years ago to find out it was someone totally different And the DNA confirmed.

And I also had an aunt that was in the database that's five years older than me.

My birth father's one of ten siblings.

He's the oldest.

And initially the database thought she was my sister, but she was really my aunt.

So we're so close in age.

And then I have AI have sibling a brother that was in there and he was claiming me from the beginning.

He said you're my sister.

He found being a link.

You know, we were matched percentage wise percent of Morrigan's all of that.

Did you reach out to your father right away?

I did.

I as soon as it the match happened, I reached out to his sister 1st and she was the one, she was the connector and she got in touch with him and we talked on the phone because he's out West, I'm on the East Coast, he's on the West Coast.

And we talked on the phone and just went back to the timeline on what happened.

Time I was conceived up until the time I was born.

You know what was going on during that time in the late 60s.

He didn't remember like her name and her face, but he remembered the incident because he was, he's in his 70s.

So he had to really go back in time on what was happening during that time period.

OK, so he didn't have a strong recollection of your your birth mother.

No, he remembered the incident.

You know, it was a A1 night stand.

An occurrence.

Which is common, right?

So.

So then he did not know about you?

No, he did not know she was pregnant, let alone that I was giving up for adoption.

So it was a shock for him just as much as it was for me, you know, even though I knew it about that.

I just didn't know that.

Here I go again with the death of birth, Father.

But this time, this time, DNA sealed the deal.

DNA doesn't lie.

Right, You mentioned that your brother claimed you.

How many siblings do you have now?

I have two siblings on my birth father's side.

Yeah, he has two sons.

OK, And then you have your sister that you were raised with on your butt on your birth mother's side.

So you said that she didn't really want to give you a lot of information that you, you know, she said you have a family.

Did you build any sort of connection with her or was that initial, like when you found her?

Was that kind of the end of that?

Initially I did, but it fizzled out and still today we are not close and I think there's a lot of trauma involved that hasn't been dealt with.

I mean, I've been doing a lot of my healing work around everything.

Yeah, I'm not huge on comparing traumas, but you had these two massive identity shifts, DNA surprises decades apart.

How did they affect you?

Was it similar?

Was it?

How was it different to learn that you were adopted and then to learn that who you thought was your biological father was not?

Yeah, it's supposed to double surprise.

Like, well, here I go again.

Like going through the same emotions, a myriad of emotions.

So why wasn't I told?

You know what?

How come myself didn't know all of my truth?

What do I do with this newfound information?

And am I going to be rejected?

And the whole issue around reunion and meeting and having additional family, Wanting to embrace additional family.

But am I going to be accepted?

Am I?

Am I going to be feeling like I have a sense of belonging?

And are they going to understand my plight and my journey, all those types of things?

Do you feel like you've been able to make good connections with your found family?

I have, yeah, out of my aunts, uncles, cousins.

They live right here in the Washington, DC region where I am.

And I moved here for work, not thinking.

I I grew up in Philadelphia.

Pi said earlier that I was living in the Maryland, in the Washington, DC area.

That's where I relocated to.

My roots began in Philadelphia, PA And I moved, yeah, and I moved from there in 2008 for work.

I relocated for work, but no one but colleagues and friends that already lived here, not thinking I had any family, biological family.

And So what have, what have those relationships look like?

Since you've connected, do you like, hang out a lot?

What do you do?

Yeah, I do.

In fact, I'm going to be with them this weekend for July 4th.

That's coming up.

And a lot of holiday events, graduations, birthday celebrations, my aunts, we go out once a month and just have a lunch or dinner.

It's like, it's like the family.

I wanted that, that I had like growing up at my adoptive side where everybody's deceased now.

And it's like being retarded all over again.

Like, oh, I'm getting the life back that I had as an adoptee, you know, getting my family, that sense of connection, that sense of belonging that I was just lacking, especially during the pandemic.

It was really tough during the pandemic.

Do you have any questions for your parents today?

Like if you could ask them about, you know, why they didn't tell you about your adoption and things like that.

Well, my adoptive father was still living, so I did talk to him after her mother tried and he said they kept putting it off.

They wanted to tell us that we were adopted and they just just never did.

You know, it's like the timing wasn't right, was never right.

And then they just said, why bother to say anything?

And what do you think about that?

But I've.

Recently spoke at a adoption summit in Kentucky and we talked about when to tell the child and you know it's never a good time you know what age.

But I think it's important for the adoptive parents to get post adoption support.

But once they adopt the child, they're on their own.

And because they leave it up to the parents to tell the child, there's no instruction manual on what age and when to sit down with them and how to tell them and counseling.

I didn't start doing any type of counseling till I got to college.

So anytime there, I mean there was really good support when it came to having my back and advocating for me.

But I was a child that cried a lot.

I was sense very sensitive and that would be coddled, but sometimes you know, to be told to be strong.

Can you talk more about maybe how you felt when you discovered that you were adopted?

It was surreal.

It was a time period was 1991.

It was one of the most tumultuous years of my life.

Topsy Turvy.

I was a new college graduate in 1990 and 1991, comes then going to the hospital with my adoptive mother and actually know she's diagnosed with a terminal illness.

And I'm devastated.

Like, no, I can't lose her now.

Like, I'm just starting my life.

You know, as a young woman.

I need her.

You know, she's, you know, she's not going to be there for me when I get married, have kids.

And and I felt cheated because I was the youngest out of my adoptive siblings.

So I felt like she got to see them get married, have kids and, and and here I am, a young woman just starting, like, I still leave my mother.

Like a little girl still beats her mother.

Like you can't leave me.

No, no.

Like, even though I'm 22, it was like when you come out of college, you're just starting your life.

Like, it's like that next chapter of your life as a young woman.

And I was losing her and that was just devastating for me.

But then at the same time and she was, I felt like she was preparing me like the all those years are telling me to be strong.

It was leading up to that moment like, but she gave me everything she had here.

I was a new graduate.

It was like, you know I was ready like to move on and take on the world.

But even though emotionally, I still had answers, questions, and I still there were still things I still felt like I needed from a nurturing standpoint.

And then I Fast forward to a couple months later, from June to September.

You know, I found my birthmother.

Like, around Labor Day, I found her and all her relatives.

So I've lost one mother and then gained and now they're all within a couple months within the same year and he said.

It started out with more of a relationship and then it kind of fizzled out.

Why do you think that is I?

Just think she's a very matter of fact person.

Like, you know, it's a wise decision.

She gave me up for adoption and I was hurt by that and but when I look back, I think maybe it was and now I was better off.

But to hear those words was hurtful because it made me feel like I wasn't wanting.

No, but no clue wants to feel that way.

A lot of times at birth mothers, they're no more like no, you would had a better life without me.

But then it's at the same time it's like, well yeah, I'm being taken away from my biological roots, going through life, not having my medical history.

And for me, being a late discovery adoptee, I'm putting my doctor parents names down for medical history information.

It's not even connected to my bloodline.

So that's that's a lot just in and of itself, not having the truth all those years.

There's something that a lot of people in the DNA Surprise community talk about is this idea of, you know, what if, what if I'd known earlier?

What if I'd grown up in this family?

Those kinds of things.

Have you contemplated those?

What ifs throughout your journey?

Yes, I have.

I went through the whole 5 stages of grief, the anger, the bargaining, the depression and then the acceptance.

And the bargaining was what if I should could have, I should have, could have, would have like asked Baby, I didn't dig deep enough and I beat myself up for that.

I just accepted what was told to me.

But then at the same time, I had time that was lost, that I could have been finding more information out about where I came from, and I would have known.

But I do know that my mother.

Knew that I was a sensitive child.

Definitely wasn't the type that could have kept a secret.

I probably would have told everyone that I was adopted, but I think she knew that I was a child that worried a lot.

And when you're under 18, you can't do a search until you're 18 or you got to have the permission of your adoptive parents to do a search for your biological parents.

So I thought once I got to college, maybe they would have told me at least 18 once I became legal.

How do you reconcile now that that lost time or have you been able to reconcile it I've?

Had to be more spiritual.

Like just I've had to forgive.

And you know, parents, they do the best that they can.

There's a lot of books out there.

A lot of times they have their own traumas and things that they're dealing with.

Yeah, that is very true.

We have to give them grace.

They're not perfect.

They don't know it all.

Sometimes they're learning as they they go and grow, right?

And I think different times, two people got different advice about how to tell their children or not tell their children or, you know, those kinds of conversations were different than they are even now, I think.

Did your adoptive father share anything along those lines?

Like, were they ever told to tell you?

I don't know.

Like I I'm not sure I know I had a great aunt that I I was her caregiver.

It was my adoptive father's mother's sister that I took care of and she was a social worker and and she worked at the agency where I was adopted or or a similar agency.

She worked at a lot of different agencies that are centered around adoption in foster care.

And I really think she probably counseled my dad and my mom on more agency to go through to adopt us and everything.

And the irony that I ended up becoming her caregiver in the end, where she had helped so many children, all her career, all her life, I mean that's that's another story in and of itself.

Just divide intervention timing.

Ended up being there for her where she was there for my adoptive parents, you know, around their adoption journey with getting me and my sister.

You mentioned that you didn't have that nature piece and and seeing yourself and understanding where you got certain characteristics and things like that.

And then you mentioned that you're adoptive father, he worked in the federal government, You went on to work in the federal government.

Did you get any of that genetic mirroring once you connected with either your biological mother or your father?

I saw some of it.

Mannerisms, facial features.

Our personalities are different, but I see the physical characteristics.

How did that feel to to get some of that confirmation?

It was good.

It helped explain a lot because that was always something I wondered about and skin and trying to get, you know, get the medical history.

Like, I remember going to all my doctors, letting them know that I found my birth parents.

And here's some additional medical history for my files.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

That's a huge piece.

All those years, you know, we have to say we're we're adopted, you know, and I just don't understand why can't the medical information come with the child?

So I know that you you mentioned that you spoke at the Untangling Our Roots summit correct In Kentucky, I sure.

Did.

Yes, I did.

Are you getting more involved in adoptee advocacy and things like that in your journey I.

Am I've been going to a support groups through adoption Network in Cleveland and the NAP National Association adoptees and parents.

They have a happy hour every not every Friday but like twice a month on on a Friday.

And then I also listened to one of the adoptees who also does support groups, sitting around putting yourself together after after reunions and how to handle the reunion process.

And I'll I will say when I was 23 when I did that reunion because I remember the social worker who read me my non identifying information said now now I have to warn you, it was like she was preparing me for what was about to come.

She said biological parents might be deceased or they might not want to meet you and it's not.

And she wasn't saying that in a mean way, but just to kind of prepare me that this is what could happen when you start trying to reunite and when you're trying to search and find people might not always be that happy ending because we have this fantasy land sometimes as adoptees, what we think we want it to be or what it could be, and it might not turn out that way.

What are changes or what awareness do you want to bring around the adoption industry?

I want people to know that it's complex.

Adoption is complex.

It's not a good thing for every birth mother because there's so much trauma involved.

There's so many secrets, and the whole triad is affected, not just the birth mother but also the adoptive parents and the adoptee.

And people aren't getting healed.

They're not getting the support.

They're just told to just move on with their life and not deal with the root of the issue, the past.

And it affects the child in the long run.

You know, the birth mother, she has her trauma from giving the child up and being told to move on with her life.

She gets married, has other kids, but that pain sometimes is still there.

That trauma's still there, then.

The adoptive mother, she may not be able to have kids, and she's dealing with the pain of having an adoptive child and maybe not telling them or just feeling this kinship toward the child.

Like, this is my child.

Like it's my like a biological child, you know?

And then the adoptee is just in the middle of it all, you know?

None.

We don't, we don't ask to be bored, you know, as adopted.

We're here and these decisions were made.

We were infants and we we're being denied.

What are some things that that you have done that has helped you process?

You mentioned counseling and things like that.

And I'm I'm still just honestly stunned that you've had like these two major discoveries separately.

3030 years apart.

Yeah, 30 years apart because I have interviewed someone.

Who they knew that they were adopted and then found out that they were an NPE.

Because the person I, I I think that's actually seems somewhat common that the person that the birth mother named is not the actual biological father.

But you've had these things happen 3 decades apart.

Pretty significant shifts surprises, traumas.

What have you done to work through this?

It's interesting you would say that because I I, when I first found out my biological father through the DNA testing, I said, oh, I'm older, I can handle it.

You know, I'm in my 50s now.

I was in my 20s there.

But all these feelings started coming out like about to go to through reunion again.

It took me back to when I met my birth mother and her family.

And then all these movies started coming on about adoption.

I started watching them and I realized I needed support.

You know, I started ordering all these books through Amazon that were recommended and and I really, really needed those support groups, especially during the pandemic when when that was the time period when we were all indoors, we had to do everything virtually.

And the support groups were virtually, they were national and we were connecting with other fellow adoptees from across the country and sometimes internationally.

Nobody understands it more than your own people, people that are like minded.

They get what you're going through, being an adoptee or NP and we're just all kindred spirits.

We're all connected.

This is a good feeling.

You know, your friends can't understand your Co workers, your neighbors, your your family members.

Even if you have a spouse, sometimes they don't understand your your kids, if you have kids.

Yeah, but once we get in that that it's just a great way to build community when we all get together as adoptees or NPS, you know, you don't have to do a lot of explaining because everybody gets it.

They get it.

Yeah, it's this unspoken knowledge that we all share.

I think it's really interesting because you've mentioned the pandemic a few times during this conversation and that the pandemic was kind of the catalyst for you really wanting to dig in more to your biological father's side.

And then also because of the pandemic, you felt a little more isolated as you were navigating all of this change.

And while COVID still exists, we are now able to connect more.

How do you think having this discovery during the pandemic affected you compared to if you discovered it today, for example?

I believe the pandemic was a blessing.

I really feel like that was the time period where I really went inward, like I did a deep dive within myself and I had to literally sit myself down because we everybody didn't know what was happening with the pandemic.

They didn't know if the world was coming to an end.

People were dying left and right.

And I really had to really look at what's important here.

You know, am I going to go to my grave not knowing all of my information.

And I just created a different mindset shift of OK, now's the time, I have the time, I'm working from home.

I've got time to really just sit down because before the pandemic, it was just a hustle, a bustle, just always being on the go and never being able to just sit down and do anything extra.

And it was a time where I really wanted to connect, like I really wanted family.

And then here they just showed up, like, right.

Not far from where I was living.

Like, I mean, I I know there was a higher power at work.

I don't care if you're an atheist.

I know manifestation, spiritual alignment and divine timing all at work because you can't explain any of it.

I mean, I know something, something bigger than myself.

It wasn't just me.

Somebody was looking out for me.

What is next for you in your journey as you get to know your family more and continue learning more about yourself?

I would say what's next for me is just to continue to build kinship spirits with my fellow adoptees helping others through the process.

I've been doing coaching, life coaching.

I've been trying to be a supporter of their fellow adoptees doing.

I've done several podcasts already and I wanted to write my book.

I was afraid because I was like more information just keeps coming out, you know.

But I've been sharing my story and doing storytelling through the the oral communication versus written, so the podcast, YouTube, speaking at support groups, at conferences, and that's been very good.

Thority.

My background's in public relations and rhetoric and I was a Toastmasters for years.

So I've really got to use my voice in ways I've never used it before.

Be authentic and transparent and not hold back.

And that's the press what's on my mind.

It's been an appealing bomb and I'm helping others in the process.

Yeah, telling our stories out loud, I think is so powerful.

I just want to be a blessing to others and and help transform lives as far as my story.

And then it'll resonate with people as they listen to it.

And and I can maybe help someone to be brave to to reunion or to get the support that they need so that they can thrive and they're not just surviving and that, you know, like they're a victim through all of this.

What advice do you have for a parent?

Maybe your your parents many years ago who are keeping Adna Surprise like adoption from their child.

I would say to make sure that you have the necessary support to actually sit down with the child on when to tell them that they were adopted, because it's never going to be a good time.

You have to create the time and then not wait till there's a crisis or someone's on their deathbed.

You know, it's important for the child to know where they come from, where their roots are as it affects them.

As they move through life, it's going to affect, it affects all your relationships because you really.

Like that.

I like that that there's there's never a good time.

You have to create the time.

I really like that.

What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered adna surprise?

Like they are adopted or they are an NPEI?

Would say take the time you need to process it because it is going to be a process.

It's going, it could be a shock.

Like when you start digging, like I say, there's skeletons in the closet and you start digging and looking you, you don't know what you're going to find and you have to prepare yourself mentally before you do it.

And then once you find the information, there's more mindset work you have to do to help you deal with what you found.

And you can't do it alone.

You, you have to have support through others that have gone through the same thing that you've gone through and be willing to be brave and seek out that support.

It's important.

It's just the only way you're going to be able to move forward with the information.

You now have daughter D Thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your incredible story.

I hope that I see you soon at an upcoming conference somewhere and just wish you the best of luck as you continue navigating this and using your voice and making connections all.

Thank you so much Alexis, for having me.

I appreciate you very much.

I look forward to meeting you and seeing you in the future as well.

Thanks again to Daughter Dee for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprisespodcast.com.

Until next time, this episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.