Patrice’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 2

Hi everyone.

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Speaker 1

I'm going to quote my sister because she said this on a call the other day and I thought it was amazing, she said.

You know, we always see Annie and Danny Warbucks comes in and swoops up Annie from this orphanage, but you didn't find out what happened with the rest of Annie.

And when Annie turned 25 and wanted to find her family and really get to know who she was and all of that.

That's right.

It's just like this nice little buttoned up story of.

With the little buttoned up dress.

Yes.

Hey, how about that that little red dress?

We love that dress.

You know I love that.

I love Andy.

I'll still sing the song since day.

You know, coming out of the fog would be.

And Eddie Warbucks, if you really are about what you say you're about, you're going to stand by me while I go figure out who my parents really were.

And you're going to stand by me as I get to know them and get to know who I am.

That's what coming out of the fog is.

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis ourselves in July 2021.

My life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP ES adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

Not many of us experience our DNA surprises on television, but this week's guest did exactly that.

Patrice is a foundling adoptee, adopted at just a few months old after being abandoned in a garbage bin.

She always knew she was adopted, but as an adult she decided she wanted to look for her biological family.

The TLC show Long Lost Family shows her finding her biological sister, but much more happened behind the scenes.

She shares what happened when she reunited with her biological mother and how it changed her perspective on her story.

She also discusses how she's used her experiences to advocate and provide support for her community.

Thank you for sharing your story, Patrice.

Hello, I am Patrice.

I'm 46 years old and I am originally from Pittsburgh, PA.

Currently living in Nashville, TN, my DNA surprise story starts when two in 2019 when I was reunited with my biological family, namely my sister on the show Long Lost Family on season six episode 8 I'll start the story with in 2018.

I was up one night because my husband used to do a lot of travelling and I saw that the show Long Lost Family existed on TLC with me flipping around.

I had always known that I was adopted my whole entire life.

My adoptive parents had always used that word since I was little.

I was adopted at about five months old and live with them, you know, forever and ever and.

I think the part of that that, you know, just kind of took some of the mystery around being adopted out was that it wasn't until I was about 2526 years old where my adopted mom told me the rest of the story.

In particular, because I had, I think around early 20s, I started to wonder a bit more.

About, you know, just health concerns and things like that from that vantage point.

And you know, she said, well, do you feel like you would ever want to try to find anyone that is biologically related to you?

And I said I guess I could, but at the time, you know, we didn't even then we didn't know.

That's probably like.

I want to say 1520 years ago it didn't really know much about DNA testing.

It was done in the healthcare setting but but it really like commercial DNA test it.

Wasn't commercialized like it is now, correct?

I said.

Well, there's some way, but I don't know well at that time.

I think she felt prompted because I was moving into later adulthood, to tell me that I had been abandoned in a trash bin.

And that I had don't that if you want to do this, that the chances of you knowing anything about anyone were slim.

So I took that and I remember, you know, I wasn't necessarily it's kind of you know, crushing or whatever to hear things like that.

So Fast forward to 2018 and watching long last family in the middle of the night by myself.

And I said, oh wow.

And I just couldn't get it out of my head.

The next day I go to work at lunch, I said, is there a casting call?

Like, I'm going to tell them by story.

It's just not even think too much of it.

So on my lunch, I'm sitting there eating my sandwich, fill out the form, send it in.

And that was like May.

And then like November of that year, they reached out to me and later that year they sent me adna kit, but I hadn't heard anything for months.

And in the beginning of 2019, well, mid 2019, someone called me said, you know, we're kind of interested in the story a little more.

Well, you're actually really reunited with your actual biological.

So they don't tell you either way, whether they found someone or didn't, you know, they let that reveal kind of be there.

But they said, yeah, we're, you know, we're interested in your story and we're going to film your case.

So I did some interviews with them.

You know, we do filming.

It was really cool experience with a production company and everything.

They take me back to Pittsburgh and then lo and behold as we're taping they said we got hit with DNA and it actually is a nephew.

We'll come to find out.

I had a sister that had been looking for me for 20 plus years and she had her son's DNA was in the pool.

And she knew it had to be me because he had was connected to another aunt that he had on our other side.

We're half sisters.

She knew it was me the minute she saw that and lo and behold, I was reunited with her.

Part of what?

A little bit what you don't see on there.

I also end up meeting other members of my family, kind of going back to you.

You get selected to do this show.

You know that you may or may not connect with family members, and by this point, you know what your origin story is.

And your mother?

Do you just call her your mom, like your adoptive mother?

Yeah.

So your mom has told you how you were found, that you were found in a trash bin as a baby.

What feelings are you having about possibly connecting with a parent who left you in those circumstances?

What emotions are coming up at that time?

You know, Alexis, it's crazy.

It's really crazy that I always default to.

I have a very researcher centered brain.

And so even about my own self, Oh, my own story, should I say?

I was like, I just want to know the facts.

Here it was.

So it was literally like, and I don't know if that's just personally like a protective mechanism that I went into whatever it probably is now that I've figured it out.

And I also work with therapists and I do my own work, definitely know that.

But that's really the default for me, is that I was like, I got to find out these facts.

I know they're about me, but I want to know the facts here.

And I think that also having that orientation.

Did help me to understand.

When I found out more, it helped me to understand it more.

And then it helped me also as I was dealing with, OK, this is my own story and yes, this is how it affected my own narrative.

But now moving to the advocacy space.

So you're really, you kind of maybe compartmentalize the emotional side of it and really focused on let's get some answers here and then turn that into to advocacy.

OK, so you do connect with your sister.

How does that go?

What do you learn?

I connected with her.

I The first thing I learned is that there was this.

Absolutely amazing human being in the world that has been looking for me for 20 plus years.

Like just to think that is just overwhelming.

Like she's an amazing person.

And so here's how it unfolded.

My biological mother was a nurse and she got into relationship with my biological father and they were kind of like dating off and on or whatever.

But they both worked at the same hospital and they weren't like really exclusively like an item, I guess, but you know, somebody that she had been seeing for a while and she ended up since she already had my sister, who was about two at the time, and her family knew.

She just, it was a lot of complex family situations, a lot of complex situations with being, quite frankly, an African American woman, single woman with a daughter already.

And who was working as a nurse and didn't have the level of tenure, you know, on her job to ask for time off and all these different things.

So she hid her pregnancy and then she had me on the bathroom floor of the house.

She was living with her parents at the time and cut the cord herself.

And then I think just kind of had a mental break like I can't do this and put me behind.

It was behind a mall, but in a dumpster.

Area and called the cops herself and like kind of disguise her voice.

And there's an article actually, that we found.

My adoptive mom actually helped find that article about the situation and it says all of that.

It doesn't say who she was, but it says that some mysterious person called early in the day and the cops came.

And I think there's just a lot there that we can pack later.

But that was the actual story of it.

But then she continued to kind of date off and on this same man.

And I actually found out from at that same time that I had a full brother who's a wow biological brother who she still kept dating the same man and she ended up keeping him and my sister and she had a pretty rough go of it.

Ended up, you know, with some mental health issues and and even some substance abuse issues and ended up that my brother and sister for a time ended up in foster care and I lived across town like 20 minutes away.

Didn't even know when I'm living this pretty much middle class black family life, totally different from theirs.

And so that's what transpired and what we kind of learned from that.

But it was kind of neat when you talk about the DNAI, thought I'd bring that out to you, Alexis Day.

I loved learning.

The fact that there is a human being on this earth that shares just about the amount of DNA that you could, you know, for it says it like, oh, my DNA thing.

I love looking at it.

When I pull up my brother, it says brother, right?

So you connected with your sister and she'd been looking for you.

What was it like to meet her and see her and hug her and talk to?

Her.

Yeah, she was.

She's amazing.

We still are quite close.

We talk, I mean, just about, even if it's on text or on the phone, but just about every day she's just someone who's rolled with the punches.

And also she has my nephew and they're both just amazing people and I love getting to know about them and getting to know them.

And just when my biological mother had told when.

So she got my brother and sister back at some point.

And it was at that point she had been through her own therapy and things like that.

She felt like she wanted to come clean with her kids and let them know that they have a sister.

So from then on, my sister's been like, well, where is she?

Where is she?

And she just never stopped.

Did your biological mother tell them what happened to you as far as what she knew, or did she just say you have a sibling?

Yeah, you have a sibling, and I know that you know, pretty much.

They're probably OK because this is what I did OK.

You know, I know they're out there because this is what I did.

I know I didn't just leave them.

And they didn't just die there.

OK, So you mentioned that you got to connect with other family members.

Who else did you get to meet?

So one part of the piece of the story is just to tell you on that was in August of 2019.

I met all of them.

And then I met my biological mother that day.

Like, right after we finished taping the show.

She couldn't be on the show just because she had some severe health concerns and she was in a nursing home and it was pretty much like, hey, if you're going to meet her, you pretty much should go today to meet her.

So I did that.

And that was an experience in itself.

And I met her, it was, you know, she and I had a chance to talk and I don't really share too much about what she and I talked about.

But I will say that I I got out what I needed to say and it was a really cool conversation.

Months later, she got progressively worse.

And I came back in November and I ended up meeting an uncle that was coming into the nurse home to see her.

And that was really neat at the time.

And then I met my brother that day, my full brother.

And then I'm.

I have since met both of my two of my sisters from my dad's side as well.

So that's been pretty cool.

In December of 2019, my biological mother passed away.

And so I came back to Pittsburgh and I went to that funeral, and that is when I just met.

The floodgates open and I met a whole bunch of people.

And it was a very interesting experience because it was supposed to be this funeral wrap, but it's like all these people are coming.

Our daughter's going to be here.

Let me see.

It was like a non-stop 2 hour meeting people.

The family's pretty big and they're amazing and everybody is trying to keep some type of connection, even cousins.

I was living in New Jersey at the time and.

Found out that a whole big chunk of that family lived in North Jersey.

I was living in South Jersey at the time and they quite a few of them tried to stay, you know, connected to me in different various ways.

It's been really neat.

We really neat journey.

What does your family think of?

I mean it sounds like they were very fascinated and excited to meet you, but knowing the circumstances of your birth, of your adoption, what is there?

Are they just let's move on and you're part of the family or or what's the feeling?

No.

You know, one thing, I think it's a little complicated there.

And I don't, I don't want to ever, like, feel like I'm ever throwing them under the bus, because I'm not.

I think we're all still working through that.

My biological mother had a lot of siblings and there were people that at different times helped in and out, you know, with my brother and sister at the time.

For various reasons and not various reasons, but you know, they ended up in foster care.

But I think one of the sentiments that I got from quite a few of the uncles or whatever, and even on just that, wow, it's almost like a wow for them.

Like I wish we would have known, would have known to do something or could have, just like a lot of people feel like.

We don't like feeling like knowing that there's someone that was out there that we didn't know is that when every single last person has been just really nice in the sense that like they're not.

No, they're not like no shunned away or whatever.

If they're if I called any of them and they or my sister different type, they've had family gatherings.

You know, they had aunts reach out and say if you're around, we're having this.

Family gathering, you're more than welcome to come.

It's like that.

It's.

I think it's almost like, come now, we can't do anything about the past, but come now.

What did your adoptive parents think?

My adoptive father died when I was 13, but my mother is and she is on actually filmed on the show and is.

Is supportive of me and throughout the journey somebody who's definitely supportive I will say that I'm learning that for adoptive parents it it can be a little it can be a little tricky and and I I'll honestly say this I'm it's definitely an area that I'm guarded with with her because I'm not because I don't feel like she understands all of it or whatever or I just feel like there's.

You know, you just, you have your own story and for you to do the processing that you need, it needs to not be about other people.

And it's my story.

And that's one thing that I learned through the the filming and the production company that did that.

They taught me that.

They taught me that this is my story and that I have right to tell it like it is.

And it doesn't really, even though there's.

You honor the fact that she's in that story and she raised me and but there's a piece of it that's mine that is solely mine, and I've got to own that.

And there'll be other narratives in it and I don't need that.

And so that's one of my big sticking points is I think that for the future and we talk about advocacy or whatever for the future of adoption, I really think that, and this doesn't take anything away from my adoptive mom, but I really think that there needs to be a lot of conversation to potential adoptive parents about the why you're doing what you're doing and that you are adopting someone who has a biological family and they have a right to know that family.

Yes, and regardless of the situation.

So my particular situation was that my mother at the time, my adoptive mother, just could not have kids.

And I think a lot of times when you have people with that, it can create a dynamic.

And I'm not saying bad or good, but I'll just leave that there.

OK, OK, now you talked about.

I think this is really important because IA 100% agree these are our stories that we need to tell.

And I do think in this community between adoptees, donor conceived people and and NP ES.

There's a There's an urge to protect our mothers, adoptive mothers, biological mothers, all the mothers.

Yep.

I have a situation, I'm actually really close to a person that is going to eventually have this whole donor conceived mirror.

And I think I need to have the conversation with them that there's some things you have to talk about because you had this intention that you were doing this.

But when somebody is not buy a lot, you cannot erase that.

You cannot erase that.

They have adna story.

That's real.

Yes, and stop.

You know, I think people need to stop selfishly.

I'm not.

I don't want to.

I really do not.

I don't want to see like I'm being angry or mean.

But I what I am saying is that I think that there people need to count the cost and count and fully embrace that child for who they are before they start into this stuff.

And if you can do that, do it because you're fully embracing who that person is, but don't have two sets of parentage, right?

Like, if you can equally say that this person has two sets of parentage and not treat that second set of parentage.

Or think that's any less than if you can fully say that, then have at it.

You're a perfect candidate to do this, right?

If you're not, and this is all about you and what you want, then you better figure it out.

That's something I've learned since kind of entering this space is the myth of the blank slate, right?

Adopted children, babies.

Even if it's a newborn baby, it's not a blank slate.

They've had experiences, is not.

And that's part of the after I realized a lot of my life like, and I still am.

No, I was not a blank slate.

And no, I'm reclaiming all this stuff back.

And yeah, I was, you know raised wonderfully by my adopted family.

But I have, I full on have another family that lived across town.

You can't lie.

You can't deny it, right.

If you try to make me, you're just gonna wash me away.

You mentioned some of this processing and things that you needed to do outside of, you know, worrying about what your mom would think or worrying about what anyone else in your family would think.

Can you talk through what some of that work looked like?

One of the beautiful things about the show I said number one, was that the conversations I had with some of the producers about centering my story and all of that, it was huge, never heard.

I just like I will say it, I've never heard that in that kind of way and I think that has totally lit a fire in me, the move forward with for myself and for other people.

And another thing that they did was they gave me connection to a therapist that is world renowned when I in the adoption space.

And then I come to find out I had a couple sessions with her and I had already had a therapist and who happened to also be adopted competent biotherapy.

When I saw her out, I did not realize that at all for some other stuff I was working on.

And I'm like, oh, so she kind of did a handoff to her and I've been with her ever since.

So I think that was just that recognition that you're doing something here that is huge and no, you can't you you need to process this.

And so from that, I've realized that, yeah, there's a lot of themes in life that have been super huge for me.

And I need to, I have this thing, I need to process these with someone.

So that's the kind of work that I've done on my own was just working with a therapist who is happens to be adopted, competent and also happens to be, you know, of my same faith tradition as a Christian.

So that helps for me.

Before we started recording, you've talked about the fog and.

We haven't talked about that before on this podcast.

So for people that aren't familiar with the FOG in terms of adoption, can you educate people a little bit on that?

Yeah, I when these terms my when I say my community, the adoptive community is I hope that I am doing my community justice.

When I describe this you may have to bring somebody else on there to get this.

But for me what the coming out of the fog was it was just that was that production company actually started it for me.

This whole thing of centering your story and not having a be about someone else's narrative.

So for instance, you know how we use terms like with adoptees of like Gotcha Day or or the people brought you to our home and things like that.

No, you have a narrative that started before that and that helped me to come out the fog in a sense of saying oh wait a minute, this the option stuff isn't necessarily, I mean it works and there are children.

Yes, in my case abandonment cases.

There's nothing you can do with a bit like you ended in the child welfare system and you have to have someone care for you in your day-to-day needs.

You have to have parents.

So it I'm not saying one of those that the whole system needs to be deconstructed, but I think it definitely needs to be overhauled.

And the fact that we have assisted child welfare system that works disproportionately for some people than others.

But just seeing the whole system for what it is, seeing the whole system of, and not even just child welfare, but even like Alexa, some of the stuff that we've talked about, this whole shame and lies, what people try to cover up in families, that whole system is a thing.

And understanding that's not necessarily so good for the person who it affects, that's coming out of the bulk.

Now I know a huge part of your story coming out of the fog doing the work that you do is that you have used that as a catalyst to support others.

And I would love for you to share how you are helping others within that adoptive community certainly.

So I'm still working through this and figuring out what all I will be doing, but one thing that I do is anytime I've given a chance to share my story and narrative, I do so.

And so I have done a few podcasts.

Quite a few podcasts because I think it shares things from a dynamic that others may not have heard before.

Those of us who are abandonment cases and and and we're just left, we're called foundlings.

So just connected with the founding foundlings and kind of looking through some of the issues that we had, you know we're just left and what does that mean?

Like what is what was behind that You know this world would have you to believe that oh this is just this terrible mother.

She just let.

I would just say people just don't leave people for no reason.

And they don't just leave them because they're just God awful, terrible people either.

I will probably tell you about 10 out of 10 of the stories that I've ever heard of whether the moms were OK to be parents eventually or not.

There was some socio economic status, some family pressure, some type of shame that ended up a person ending up in a fouling situation.

And So what I try to work to do is I'm right now in a in a book club.

Then we're working through with another adoptee who we're working through a book about shame, because I feel like shame is a huge thing.

With that, so I can stay connected with the adoptee.

I go to adoptee lounges, adoptee meet ups, and you know, virtually online I'm in those spaces.

But for myself.

Recently myself and another adoptee Abby, she's been amazing, has started the Adoptee Prayer Collective, which is the only prayer collective that we know of that centers the voice of the adoptee around issues and just our lives.

So people have a space to come and just have a quick prayer meeting and just really proud to God about from a spiritual perspective because we all do the hands on work.

We all, you know, we'll do advocacy work online or joins or groups or whatever it is.

But for those of us who are, spirituality is important.

We have a place to come.

And we also, the important piece of it is as we set the thing up that regardless of whether you believe in we're praying about or not, you can send in anonymously a prayer request and we're gonna, we're gonna pray for you, we pray for everybody.

It isn't just, you know, Christian and Abdi or whatever.

No, that's not what this is about.

That's incredible that you've really just turned this into a way to support others.

So I've heard this term foundlings before, and that does seem like an even smaller and unique niche right within the adoptive community.

And one of the things I wanted to ask you about is how you kind of handle what I imagined is sort of this fascination and like you mentioned earlier, judgment around your circumstances because.

You still are working through a lot of the adoptive narrative, like the coming out of the fog and everything.

But also I feel like, you know, when people hear what happened to you as a baby and how you were found that sometimes, like piques people's interest and maybe dehumanizes you a little bit or maybe you don't find that to be the case.

But I'm curious how you, you know, receive that, but you know how if you're in the public eye of any, anything you do, you know, people say, don't read the comments.

Yes, yes.

So when we did the show and it had long lost family has a page on Facebook and people were commenting.

I mean I will say 95% of the comments and the people that watch the show are absolutely fascinated and support the show and love.

But there were some that said, Oh my gosh, how could she do that?

Like that's crazy.

Why would you know, why would somebody want to read I or meet somebody who done had done that.

And you know, that was the first time I had really kind of come in contact with that.

And I really just kind of focus on what any other kind of advocacy like people don't really understand fully the circumstances, why people will do a lot of really hurtful things.

And.

And that's one one thing and that's one thing that fuels this understanding of me about advocating for single moms and for family preservation and that it just not for the system just to jump straight to child welfare.

Oh, this person is incapable.

They're just incapable.

Well, you don't know the circumstances.

You may need to do some emergency thing to make sure that people are OK.

But what about coming alongside families in a better way to ensure that they're united?

Or coming alongside younger women who find themselves in situations where they feel supported so they can have a life where they can feel like they can raise their kid and also pursue their dreams?

People shouldn't just be counted out in life just because they're maybe socio economic disadvantage and they happen to have a child.

Like that's just silly to me.

Can you talk more about what you think needs to change in the adoption space?

One of the things that I feel like I am a advocate for that adoptive parents before you do it, what you're doing that.

Number one, we say this all the time that infertility is not a catalyst or reason to adopt adopted kids that need families because of their abandoned or neglected or whatever.

That there's a story there and that might not always jive with someone's objectives to want to have a child.

Because the infertility issues, 9 times out of 10 that doesn't.

And so you end up apparently out of a space that's different.

And whether you've accepted now, if you are a person who has fully accepted that, yeah, there's kids here and I'm not their savior, but they have a story and I'm here to nurture the story that is their story.

But I also genuinely believe that children need a safe and loving homes and I'm where willing to nurture them for who they are, then yeah, I think that people need to know that's the space that you need to adopt out.

I definitely want to talk to you about this compassion because I can tell just from our conversation you are an extremely compassionate person.

And you know, you talk about reducing shame and supporting people through these very difficult decisions.

How did you reach such a place of compassion?

For your mother and other parents of foundling children, something changed in me after I talked to her.

Now, literally that day, that changed.

I describe it as me being able to participate in Grace and not that I have grace to give to anyone, but because of my situation and the position that I was in And having to literally sit across from someone who has done something unspeakable to you and be able to really, genuinely look into the eyes of someone and say I get it.

Like that was a hard decision to make as a woman, as your kid, as your all of these things and genuinely believe.

That's what changed for me.

So I I have turned this thing into like a badge, you know, of like goodness just for me, living in the world, period.

And if people just don't do what they do for no reason at all, even when they make really grave mistakes?

Right.

And did not, in the conversation that I had with her, let her off the hook for that, because that's just my humanity I had and I was given the opportunity to be able to say that, you know, but not everyone is to someone I wasn't given the opportunity to be able to add to my biological father.

Right, right.

And there's a lot of there there.

I have to live with that and work through that, but.

And I know that the conversation that you had with your biological mother is sacred and and private, and that was a a moment between you. 2.

But if that was sort of the catalyst for changing your perspective and moving you into a more compassionate mindset before that, did you have a lot of anger, confusion, what?

What were your feelings before you had that conversation?

This is one of the reasons, like when we talked about coming out of the fog and not in the almost, like not knowing what you didn't know.

I don't necessarily think that I was so much angry about that.

But now when I look back on it, I do feel like in life something was missing, but I didn't know what.

I didn't know if that makes any sense.

Yeah, yeah.

And I know that there's sometimes this narrative of, like, the angry adoptee and I.

Yeah, I was not and.

I and I would never want to paint you or anyone that way for feelings that they have.

That wasn't my thing.

I think that just kind of goes along my personality.

I didn't own myself or who I was enough, and I'm starting to learn that.

And living there, I didn't own who I was enough.

It was always kind of was about other people and about, you know, making them happy and just being OK for other people.

But there are some things that I probably should have thought about.

Well, what does Patrix want to do with herself or her days?

Not based on some either religious narrative or about the parenting narrative or whatever.

What do I want to do?

I like this type of music because of whatever, not because I'm in this category, you know?

Yeah, I happen to really like R&B, but not because I'm a black woman living in Nashville.

Like, I love the lyrics to country music, you know, It's just, I think that's what happens to people is they lose themselves in what tend to happen adoptees your.

Look back of your life and be like, whoa, what was I?

What decisions were I as I'm making and who was really influencing that stuff?

That's important to call out, yeah.

To have you thought about how different your upbringing was from your siblings that were raised both by your biological father and your biological mother?

It sounds like you had a more.

Positive upbringing than your siblings that stayed with your mother.

Take me through the feelings there.

Like is there guilt?

Sort of that.

Like survivor's guilt sort of thing.

Is there the what ifs?

What do you experience that was early on after the immediate?

That was definitely an area and my therapist shout out to her.

She was, she's amazing.

I remember specifically one session that we had because it was really hard.

I was struggling a lot with survivor's remorse, what they call and you.

That thing gets out of control and you're like, I don't know what to.

I don't know what to feel like.

I'm out of control here because there is all this stuff that I was put into and I can't even and I can't even put words to it.

I And that's why the one of those things is really important about having the type of parent.

You know that adoptive parents should be educated on things because if you're journeying through life with a person, they're going to hear things that could be ideal or even less than ideal and but they're still a part of that story and they're going to have that feeling and you can't say no, you shouldn't feel sweep that underwear.

You shouldn't feel like that because you had this going on.

No, that makes it even worse.

Part of my stuff that I deal with is PTSD.

But you really dealt with me, one of the sessions that we used and she like and she taught me about even you know, a a particular veteran who had survivor's remorse and took me through some of the stuff that they work with that particular veteran.

Like when you even think about it, like, wait, I had no control over this situation.

I'm over here, this is going on and I'm connected to them.

I cannot lie, like even if I never saw them again, I'm connected to them and this is what they were like dealing with.

Yeah, it's hard.

It's a lot you touched on.

Therapy Sounds like therapy has been instrumental in your process, and you talked about connecting with your biological mother and other family members.

What else has helped you navigate your journey?

The adoptee community.

I call us a movement.

There's amazing leaders in this space that just started these online groups and you may get into one of these spaces and not say a word that night or you may chat all night long, but you will see yourself hear yourself validated in what you think and what you and even some hopes that you want to have happen for others.

You will learn a lot.

I mean, some of the work that's being done to for people that really call people on the carpet around revising the child welfare system and really trying to help people to preserve families, it's revolutionary and it's coming from that community.

Yeah, there's amazing work being done.

Where would you say that you are now with everything?

Personally, I would say I'm in a balance between still as things come up, you know, so work with my therapist regularly, but just trying to live whole myself.

That balance of trying to live whole and live but also really embrace areas where I'm fighting for others and those that are coming behind us.

So it's just better for the children that are in the system now and to be that, it's just better for them.

What advice do you have for a parent, an adoptive parent whose child is interested in putting their DNA out there and finding biological family?

I would say that's not your choice and they need to do it.

That's from an infant.

That's the only thing that belongs to that person.

So whether the person is an infant all the way up to 90 years old, it's them and it's not your choice.

You just need to facilitate.

That what advice do you have?

For a fellow adoptee who may decide to embark on a journey similar to yours and try to find their biological family, I would say for adoptees and anyone that is looking to find people via DNA, really do some work in yourself about what you would like to get out of that.

One of the things that I said to you earlier was that I wanted information and I think that helped me.

The fact that I just wanted information.

Later on I worked out whether there were connections that I needed or and I'm still there.

I'm I'm loving this.

Like I recently, couple weeks ago was like told my sister about something that was going on.

And I was like, I seen talk to my sister, but that was that was me taking time.

I didn't use the DNA test to do that.

I used the relationship that I had forged with her to do that.

Scientific DNA tests don't give you some instant relationship with someone.

So I just say stay on the information track.

And then if there's some other holes that you need to work out about abandonment and all these other kind of stuff, you work with your therapist, you work with somebody around that.

Because even if you do meet people and they do love you and they integrate, you'll wear those relationships out if you're looking for something from people that they just don't have to give.

That's really good advice, really good advice, I think for.

Yeah, for anyone embarking on ADNA testing journey.

Anyone.

Well, Patrice, thank you so much for joining me today and sharing your story.

And thank you for everything that you're doing in the community to raise awareness and support others navigating what can be a really challenging experience.

So thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thanks again to Patrice for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprisespodcast.com.