Bonus Episode: Radical Acceptance – An interview with therapist Jennifer Spencer

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

A lot of times people think that if they just accept it, that they're not that they're not fighting for what they really want, that they're being passive, right?

It's so what do you want for dinner?

Oh, I don't care.

Like, you know, kind of like you're not my dad like oh, I'm just supposed to wave that off or you know like or whatever.

You know, that's not the site.

Like not the same thing.

Absolute like a doll.

Yeah, right.

Other times it gets confused with communication of compassion or love.

Like, if we're, you know, showing acceptance like, you know, to those people who hurt us right with like this information, like the withholding, you know, and, and so that again is, you know, a big factor of why people are hesitant, you know, to maybe step or lean in to Acceptance

in this very special.

Has episode of DNA surprises.

I'm joined by Jennifer Spencer was facilitating a session on radical acceptance at the DNA.

Surprise Retreat.

Jennifer is a licensed professional counselor who works with people who want to make lasting change for themselves to better their relationships, enjoy life, make an overall life worth living, she specializes in DBT CDT act and EMDR.

In our discussion, we chat about what radical acceptance is and is not and why it's important for our DNA surprise Journeys.

Today I am joined for a very special bonus episode with Jennifer Spencer and she is a therapist who is going to be joining us at the DNA surprise Retreat.

And she will be facilitating a session on radical acceptance.

So thank you so much for joining us.

Jennifer, thank you so much for asking me, just to kind of get started and let everyone get to know more about.

You can you share a little bit about your background?

Sure.

So I became a therapist in 2007 and for about 12 years I worked in Community Mental Health and it was in 2009 that I got the opportunity to go and be specifically trained in what's called dialectical behavioral therapy.

So, that's one of my main approaches when I work with people.

And so one of the things that that has in it is Acceptance.

And so that's where my connection to this topic and to wanting to, you know, promote this topic like to therapist to other clients, all of those kinds of things, like kind of comes from open my private practice and 2017.

And so have been in that Arena doing therapy for a few years now.

Now I've heard of DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy, it seems Relatively new, I think, for a long time, I heard CBT and and other things like that.

So for people who aren't familiar with it, what is DBT?

So, DDT has actually been around since like the mid 80s but it was primarily used first and foremost in hospital settings impatient type of work versus like the Outpatient Therapy that.

I think more people are pretty familiar with, right?

However, like it has Grown tremendously, from what it was once used for two.

Now, expanding to a myriad of kind of diagnosis, and, and difficulties, and things like that.

And so DB T stands for dialectical behavioral therapy.

And it's this approach to managing emotional responses, learning how to navigate like social situations really hugs in on incorporating, not just Because it does have some CBT components, but it also brings in some of the more traditional, like, Eastern medicine practices, like mindfulness meditation, and that sort of thing.

And so kind of combines all of that right to be a modality.

And so we really focus on learning mindfulness, learning distress tolerance, learning emotion, regulation skills, and then learning interpersonal, Effectiveness skills.

All skills that I think.

Apply greatly to people in the DNA surprise Community really?

Really, it's huge.

Yeah, yeah, and, you know, most of the feedback that I get, when doing groups, I would say in every cohort that I get, I get, where was this when I was in high school like, you know, like like that like it's more like what people consider, like a life skills training like and so that's, you know, been a helpful thing for me to ask Also, like promote people having DBT or using DBT or getting the experience of the DBT.

Like skills training, is we all need some help because as we go through life, like our situations change and not knowing how to deal with that, we're not supposed to know how to deal with everything, right?

And so, you know, getting this help onboard having these tools, they can just make life a little bit easier for us and I think everybody needs.

A little bit of that here and there.

Absolutely.

I love that piece of DBT the skills I have.

Yeah, I have the whole workbook myself actually.

Yeah.

And you know, running through it and being able to script conversations and do exercises when things get tough have has been instrumental in my healing Journey.

So I'm so excited to share some of this with the retreat attendees.

And so the area that we're really focusing on for your session is radical acceptance.

And this is, this has been a huge part of my journey and when Debbie and I were planning their Retreat that was like the first session.

I said, I think you were the first facilitator that I spoke to because we obviously important to me to have that because I just think it's it's so huge.

Okay, so no pressure then no pressure but for people who don't know in terms of DB t, Is radical acceptance.

Oh, radical acceptance.

Is a part of distress tolerance, so for breaking it down by module and you want to know where to look for it.

Like in them in that big man.

Y'all you referred to it is in distress tolerance.

And so what it means or what you do with radical acceptance is its when we stop denying its, when we stop fighting what our reality is, right?

Right.

And so yes we may not like what we just heard or what we saw in an e-mail or a report from quite like a genealogy place.

We might not like that that might not be what we wanted to see.

That might not be like the information we wanted to get and we have to understand and we have to be willing to say, but this is what it is.

And this is how.

And what from this point on I have this Information.

And I need to use it and I need to incorporate it in my life versus fight it.

Yeah, yeah.

Can you talk more about what that might look like for somebody, who's had a DNA surprise?

Because I think there's the facts, right?

We get the, we get the report, we see the ancestry results, we put that together.

There's also this huge piece of feeling deceived betrayal, by our parents loved ones.

Sometimes more people So, how what does radical acceptance look like in the context of a DNA surprise?

The other part that we talked about in that we like to point out and radical acceptance?

Is that any of us?

Because we're human, right?

We are going to have pain in our life and I think we tend to understand like physical pain better in some ways, right?

But emotional pain is just as valid and is I says needed in the sense of being taken, care of right.

And so what I think would be the thing that would come up is that like you said, like there would be this emotional pain of feeling betrayed feeling lied to feeling vulnerable now like right, like because we don't know that our environment.

We don't feel our environment is full of safe people, and the war.

But such a good way to put it.

But what it does to stay in that place of like, then saying, then I'm just I'm going to like, no, not like, you know, kind of thing, right?

Is that, we stay in this place of suffering.

With that information pain is different than suffering.

Mmm, and radical acceptance is what again?

Doesn't take away the pain.

That's that's still something mmm-hmm, but radical acceptance.

Helps us not suffer as long as we might.

And and we don't want to so I don't I've never met someone who says I'm going to suffer Jen but like I haven't I I'm not saying I won't at some point like you know but we can to put those two concepts together and think that they can't be split apart, right?

Like we hear them together all the time.

How pay offering?

Yeah, they aren't the same.

Same thing, and that's what radical acceptance.

Says radical acceptance says, these are not the same things you do not have to have this suffering component to this information.

Mmm, and radical acceptance, will help alleviate that longevity, you have suffering, that intensity of suffering, that feeling like you're trapped and in suffering.

Oh, that's such an interesting perspective.

I never thought about that.

That pain and suffering are suffering because you're right, we do hear them intertwine?

Yeah, we hear them in our world like real.

Like oh like you know, where you going to sue for pain and suffering like plea?

Exactly.

Yeah and I'm and again, they both exist.

They both eat over there but they are different and we need to see that they're different and and know how, you know, taking care of ourself like is getting ourselves out of suffering.

Mmm-hmm think about again like using a more physical pain analogy like to help us understand think about if you have a headache.

Now there's lots of things that we can do like for a headache.

Mmm.

But if we choose not to do those things are headache.

Tends to last a lot longer, right?

We suffer.

Yeah, we suffer.

But if I say Man, I really like my head is really hurting, you know, the last time that I had a headache, I went and I lie down and you know, and I kind of like close my eyes and that really helped, you know, me feel better.

I'm gonna try that.

Hmm.

Maybe you know, asking someone to rub your temples because again like we want to alleviate maybe it's like I do have a headache.

I mean, you know, to take an aspirin.

Mm-hmm.

All of those things are us accepting that we have a headache and going forward with alleviating and so alleviating the suffering that totally makes sense.

So, as we talk about emotional pain and suffering, we talked about DNA surprises and how that makes people feel, and I know we're going to go much more into this at the retreat but so are some examples of the aspirin that you might take all of you, except you're surprised.

A lot of times what we have to do first is we have to ask like why are we not wanting to write?

Because it's almost like counterintuitive that we know like what acceptance does.

It mean to help us.

Then actually practice acceptance, acceptance isn't that we approve of what's going on.

And so if that's something that we're kind of holding of like, well, if I accept it, It means that I'm okay with it.

It means that it's all good.

Radical acceptance is not approval.

Mmm, radical acceptance.

Is it just is?

And right at kind of going back to your headache analogy, I'm not okay with having a headache but I do know one, but I do have one and so if I want that to go away and go away quickly and I'm gonna have to start doing stuff.

All right.

Like I'm going to have to do my tricks.

I'm going to After remember what's worked for me in the past?

I'm gonna cry and I'm going to start doing those things to see if I can't make that go away.

That pain dissipate?

Yeah it is what it is right?

That's kind of the thing that doesn't change the fact that that happened.

What it might be like limits how long it lasts?

Yeah but if we think that that approval has to be a part of acceptance, we're going to resist that.

For sure.

So I can say, personally, this was a struggle for me and I've heard it come up a lot in the dini surprise community, and it's the Forgiveness component and not saying that people can't or shouldn't reach forgiveness, but is radical acceptance.

Forgiveness.

No, it's just the this happened, it's just the test.

It's just this happen.

And I think, I think that forgiveness probably comes Within this community more specifically.

And if this wasn't your personal experience, I'd love to hear that, too.

But I think the other part that tends to get there is with forgiveness, is because it's a loved one, right, right.

Like, like there's a big word that should.

Yeah, you know, and some end.

So, like, we put that in there, too.

Right?

Like, I should, I should forgive the, like, I should.

Like, because and the only reason I we have on the other side of that is like, they're my family there.

My Mom.

They're my this there might like, right, and that sort of thing over to end and while that potentially may be a value for you.

And so, working towards forgiveness is super important, if that's the case.

I'm not saying yeah.

That's about.

Yeah, I'm not saying that we don't you know want forgiveness like can we don't want to see forgiveness and you know that sort of thing but Cool.

Acceptance does not equal forgiveness.

I think it's a piece of forgiveness because I'm not sure that we can have forgiveness without acceptance.

Mmm, I think is really true, but I think the other way is not true.

We can have acceptance without being totally in the place of forgiveness yet.

I feel like I just had a little quick break through there because I do feel, I had like, my aha moment because I do feel like, like it was easier for me to move to a place of forgiveness.

After I had gone through the radical acceptance phase, for sure and practicing it, right?

It's constant.

It's not like it just stood and then you're done now.

And that's the other part that I think we have to, like, you just you were asking like what are the tricks or what are the tools or what are the things.

And I think our mindset about that we have to continually practice acceptance and it's not.

Okay.

That it perhaps are like do that again.

I also like talk to people about.

We tend to see it as one big thing.

Acceptance is ears.

It is pieces parts that were working on accepting.

It's usually not the whole enchilada all at once that we're yeah I like that practicing acceptance on.

That's yeah because with with the DNA surprised there's layers, right?

There's the initial Shal exactly the result.

Then there's accepting the family, Dynamics, whatever the circumstances were of your conception.

There's accepting where your relationship is now, you know, with your family, with your found family acceptance of what.

Now, the future might be right, and might look like or can look like versus.

We may have not thought about, you know, certain things being in her future and We got this information.

So there are so many different pieces to practice that and you don't have to be accepting of that first layer that you talked about like that doesn't translate to then total acceptance to all of the layers, right?

Like it's work at every kind of every piece every place.

Oh this I just love this topic.

I feel like I could talk about because I I can't say enough about how I'm definitely a should person if that is something that I have had to practice letting go of right.

Especially in this greatest, this shouldn't have happened.

I should have been told the truth, all of those things and the reality is I wasn't, you know?

And that's that's yeah, truth.

And yeah, yeah.

So for for people who are interested in attending the retreat, what what?

Where are we going to talk about?

Can you give a little more of a sneak preview?

So it definitely make sure people know like what we're talking about.

So kind of like we did here.

Look like what it is, what it means why it's important for us as humans because there are things about like not accepting that like really affect our mental health, really affect us, you know, one part of doing this work is, is really like, only for us, right?

So that like we are not.

Not in that place forever of feeling stuck.

Yeah because a lot of times you open that you know letter or you get that information, there's unhappiness there maybe there's anger there maybe I don't want to be stuck in that.

No, that's not a particular emotion.

That I just want to be all the time and have all the time and you know, all of those things.

It does emotions have a purpose, don't get me wrong, but they're also very heavy.

Yeah, and I do I don't want to keep that around and things and so accepting reality accepting our reality is very much crucial to us living freely living, happily living the life.

We want to have to lead.

And so this work is not for anyone else, it's for us.

Oh, I think that's so important to touch on.

It is it's for your own peace of mind.

And then definitely, like you said, like we, Want to give some examples that hopefully like kind of clear up for people and open their mind rights to like, how they've already been accepting of so much stuff.

Okay, and I do not like thinking that they're, they've really done it before, right?

Because that can like also be a reason why we don't think we can do it.

And so we just don't want to try?

Yeah, but we're already doing it in other places.

I love that.

If you like steps to radical acceptance, some tips like to keep you practicing.

Those are all, like, kind of points that I want to be able to just touch on, right?

So that if people are in see themselves, wanting to go that way that maybe they know that their P, could be a helpful Outlet to help address those things on a more intimate level.

Then we'll probably be able to do added Retreat like this, right in a group setting for I'm sure, yes, for sure.

Yes.

And then lastly, like direct them.

If they are thinking that this is a piece that they're kind of struggling with knowing what to ask for.

You know, when you go in and to like a therapist office because they may or may not be familiar with DNA surprises being able to kind of say, like, I, you know, want this, this type of therapy, I want this to you, do this, you know, even before you go in.

So that, you know, that They know what you're wanting to work on, and that they have that in their background.

I love that, right?

I just, I love this perspective that it's so empowering and it's that it's for us, people in this community who have had these things happen to us, but that we can integrate them into our lives and still have really full happy lives.

I think that's such an important thing.

So yeah, Jennifer, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me today.

So, welcome and wait for the retreat and for people to get this amazing information, and thank you so much for your time today.

Thank you.

If you enjoy this topic as much as I

do, I hope you'll join us at The Retreat.

May 4th through the 7th in Tucson.

Arizona, you can learn more at DNA surprise retreats.com.