Bonus Episode – Interview with Right to Know

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and

Speaker 2

isolating, but you're not alone and there is hope connection

and Community are powerful tools as we process.

And

he'll

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And so the parent tells that child early, it just becomes part of their narrative and it's not a big deal, you don't have to have a sit-down and a time to tell.

There's never a good time to tell and so I mean we do encourage people to make it part of their child's birth story.

You know, I have three children, I tell my children on their birthdays, the birth story, they've heard it, you know, all their lives and every birthday they get to hear their birth story.

And if it's just Braided into your natural way of things.

It's not a big deal.

If somebody has waited, there's never a good time to tell.

It's time to tell now,

imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality.

I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021.

When I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who is experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of the NP he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Welcome to a bonus episode of DNA surprises.

I had the privilege of speaking with Cara and Alicia from right to know about all of the amazing work they do for the MPE DCP and adoptee communities.

They also shared some exciting news about their upcoming untangling, Our Roots Summit.

The event is scheduled for March 30th through April 1st and tickets are on sale now.

I'll be there for the podcasters meet and great as well as participating in a panel.

Alongside the amazing Eid Sturgis from Everything's Relative and the incomparable Lily would of npe stories.

I'm also looking forward to attending some sessions on Boundary setting and ethnicity shifts from DNA surprises.

What's more Debbie from the DNA surprise Network?

And co-founder of the DNA surprise Retreat is also attending.

We hope you'll come hang out with us.

You can register for the untangling, our route Summit AT untangling, Our Roots dot-org.

I'm so excited to be joined by Alicia Weiss Chief experience officer and Secretary of right to know and Cara Rubenstein Darren CEO or chief executive officer of right to do.

Right?

To knows purpose is to advance their fundamental human, right to know our genetic identity through education, mental health initiatives.

An advocacy.

They support people impacted by DNA surprises and misattributed parentage experiences or MPE which can occur due to an adoption assisted conception, or those conceived from a non paternal event and PE as well as those searching for genetic family.

And promote understanding of the complex intersection of genetic information identity and family Dynamics.

Thank you both for being here

today.

Thanks for having us.

Yes, thank you so much.

Let's start off with how you came to understand, Miss attributed, parentage.

You both have DNA surprises in your path?

Can you share a little bit about those?

Well, this is Alicia so everybody knows out there.

My story started in 2014 when I took a over-the-counter DNA test and was surprised with the fact that I was over fifty percent Jewish and absolutely had no idea.

That.

And after a four-year search, I was able to locate the my biological father that I had a message riveted parentage and this, you know, it was just it was quite a story for me.

Obviously, is anybody out there knows about these shocking discoveries in my circumstance?

I'm what they call an NP e non paternal event are not parent expected where my mother had an affair and she was married.

At the time and the man that she had the affair with ended up being my biological

father.

Hmm.

And I had my discovery about four years after lesion 2018, just a couple of days before my 44th birthday, I had purchased an ancestry.com test for myself and the man on my birth certificate because I wanted to take my three boys to a, Finding Your Roots tour of Africa.

And when I got my results back, I was Percent something, but there was Zero African DNA and I look back on it now and I think, oh, how silly was?

I even think I would have 50 percent African DNA because, you know, when you're African-American in the United States, you're not 50% something.

If you're half black, you have bits of different, African National ethnic cities, like cameroonian and Bantu, and things like that.

So I to discovered that I was half Jewish.

It's was a, it didn't take me nearly as long to find and identify My genetic family as it did Alicia, but it did take a while and I remember thinking I was in purgatory during that whole time, you know, that stranger in the mirror, my, my idea who I was the context of me, being a bi-racial person was gone and I had no idea who I was, and I really couldn't start that healing process until I had identified, my family and I was lucky.

I had a match that facilitated that for me.

Unfortunately, my genetic family did reject me and part of my raising family also rejected me after they found out, we weren't

related.

Thank you both for sharing that.

How did you come together to start right to know.

That's a great question.

We get we get an answer.

We get asked that question a lot Alexis and both of us we found each other through a community.

Social media community and began a friendship because of the fact we lived in the same area.

We both obviously worried about hurting over our circumstances, I was further on in my Discovery as car I had mentioned.

I've known you know since 2014 and it took me four years to find my biological family.

So why the that was awful.

I just tell you the four years of dealing with that, just it left.

It me a piece of my heart was just Can you lie every day?

I just felt like it was just cut being cut in half trying to just searched and searched and searched.

And when I finally found my biological, father, I realized before that, that I wanted to help other people dealing with this so car and I sort of, and we're going, we're going on this path together and we decided to we wanted to talk more about it and and car wanted to help me.

And I wanted to help her and we began thinking a lot about

forming a non-profit

together.

Card tells the story a lot about how we We met through a interview we did on

was at CBS, can we met?

We did an interview with the local CBS station with Alicia and I and then Gregory who was donor conceived learned?

He was donor conceived.

Thurman over-the-counter DNA test and David, who he knew he was adopted, but he grew up, not knowing his ethnicity and so we did this interview on CBS and then we had dinner together afterwards and we were talking about the fact that there really wasn't an organization out there that can advocate.

For us

for our mental health, for our reg to know for our you know, helping us find our identity.

So within a couple of months we had created right to know in September 3 years in September.

Yeah, it's hard to believe.

Wow,

I'm so well, I know when I had my DNA Discovery, I found right to know almost right away and you all gave me the language for what?

I had happened because I'd never heard of an end PE or MPE not parent expected.

I mean, none of that.

You know, was known to me and then finding your website was such an amazing resource.

Can you speak to how you support people experiencing DNA

surprises?

Start out, this is Cara by saying that we really focus on three areas, mental health, education and advocacy work, and I'll back up just a little bit with the Terminology because I feel like, even with my husband talks to me about his work, I'm always like, what are those?

You know, what are you talking about?

I did was turn his me.

Yes, I think it's group has those.

So we did decide to use the term misattributed parentage experience, because we want to be very inclusive.

It right to know.

And we feel like these DNA surprises are happening to three communities, they're happening to the donor conceive Community, the adoption community.

And to the npe community either, non Eternal event or not parent, expected.

Most of the time for npe, it's people who find out that the father, that raised them, or who they thought was their father isn't their father.

And we wanted to be sure that we were including everyone in how in helping people and so misattributed parentage is a term that genetic counselors and health professionals have used for a number of decades.

Actually, we didn't reinvent the wheel here but so that's that.

Where those turn the terms come from, and I'll go ahead and let Alicia talk about what we do for

mental health.

So, one thing that's been was always on my heart, even way, before we had a non-profit, was a way to when I would speak with people, about the circumstances surrounding a name PE that we spoke in a way that was honoring that person where they were at and I'm a retired, RN registered nurse.

And I spent a lot of time thinking about this This?

What what is the help?

That's needed.

So we put together a support that included various ways for folks to get a hold of us, which one of them is a hotline and then we have a system where people can actually email into us if they need assistance.

This is all on our right to know webpage.

Also we have found that it was really important when people reached out that we were able to like we just reach them exactly where they were at.

We would get Folks that within that indicated to us, they had not found their biological either.

Father mother, you know, either both and that they need assistance in the that that part part of their story.

Just to find that parent or they needed help with the whole thing, but they were looking for a therapist.

But one of the things that was missing was the fact that there was needed to be a middle.

Something in the middle when people could not, they weren't ready, or they couldn't afford a professional.

Therapist.

We looked at that and we thought well, what?

Why don't we set up a mentor program?

And after we got that started, I couldn't, I could not believe the amount of people that were really that was what they were seeking for and that became a big part of the work that we do is we have

a mentor program.

It's kind of crazy.

How many people say?

Wow, my mentor understands me better than my therapist or my mentors more helpful than my therapist.

And one of the things that really has developed, we did a study last year of more than 600 for Is events and 38 percent said they had seen a therapist but a huge vast majority.

Said those therapists didn't have the training, they needed to help them.

So we got certified to offer continuing education courses to therapist and this kind of delves into the education side of things, we look at our educational goals to help therapists be able to help us.

So we offer for classes for therapist right now.

We're working on a couple more where they can come and learn about the issues that impact someone with.

Miss attributed parentage so they can better help us.

We also have classes for people who have misattributed parentage, like what does a centimorgan and

what are these matches?

And how do I read

this?

That kind of thing.

I've been working on a name change class for a while that I haven't finished, but I'm hoping to get it up there soon.

And then, we also have just information for the general public.

We need to increase awareness for the public about what this can mean, and it's not traumatic for everybody who has a DNA, a surprise, but for some of us, Can be and and you know how to be sensitive.

If you know somebody I kind of look at you know, the Six Degrees of Separation with Kevin Bacon.

I think with an MPEG it's more like two degrees.

I'm sure you've experienced this for after you have your Discovery like my my mother-in-law they had a nice reach out.

It turns out her her mother's sister had a child and that was sent away for adoption.

My neighbor came up to me and said, I have a sister sir, I never knew about so it's amazing to me after have an MP ediscovery, kind of how much you see this.

It's kind of like you see it in the media everywhere to you know you start thinking about Kung Fu Panda and Star Wars and all the different times.

It's almost like you can't

get away from this every time you turn around.

It's like somebody in your life and it has this happened to them and it's like, there he is again.

How important it is that we have a way to talk to people about this and deal with.

Circumstances, I will say, people always say, how many people are there out there, and there aren't perfect studies.

There aren't perfect data on our website.

I have Source where the data I'm about to tell you it comes from but we think one in 20 people have misattributed parentage that means more than 16 million Americans or walking around with incorrect medical history incorrect family history you know.

So I think increasing awareness about this issue.

The fact that over-the-counter DNA A testing has shifted the needle about secrecy and families and we need to make sure people have the support they need out there when they're having these discoveries.

Absolutely kind of going off of that.

Are you all seeing a sharp increase and the number of people contacting you for support because?

Yeah, you know, more and more people are taking ancestry tests and 23andMe and everything you're right.

That number has gone up.

So much.

I don't know if we said this earlier but we are one of the resources for Ancestry.com.

So if somebody gets a surprise on the ancestry website, which is, you know, where a majority of the tests are done, besides 23andMe, we're in and they have a surprise, they're going to end up contact, probably contacting us and so that is your right.

It has definitely increased and we've seen it on her hotline.

You seen it through emails, we get and we're also seeing National emails that were giving from people like, wanting to wanting help or assistance with coping with their new, they're surprised or

identifying genetic family because really, I mean, it's so hard to heal without knowing who you are.

There's a plenty of people out there who are on that hard road.

But we definitely want to try to help people identify family, you know, and everything we do is free obviously I think also one thing that stops people from reaching out is shame and I think you know the shame of their Option, the shame of not knowing like, why didn't I know this or realize this, the shame for their mother if they're the product of an affair?

And I hope we can try to help people work through that and and help them with what they need to move more on a path of healing Secrets Fester.

Yeah, I mean, just off of what car said I obviously I've known a really long time now, since 2014, and it's easy for me, Me to say this.

But I'd like to normalize what we're dealing with.

If we could normalize this and make people realize, there's nothing to be afraid of.

There's nothing to be ashamed about.

I'll give you another example of a call.

I actually received a call on the hotline and this ended up being a multi family members involved, but the call came from somebody that was meeting up with the DNA site and it ended up they found out that their their uncle was actually their biological father and so the kids then became Not only cousins but you know, half siblings and this was such a shock to the other side, the uncle's children.

And they were, they were having the shame Factor play into it.

Like, I can't believe that my parents would, this would ever be?

I can't, my father was the perfect father and, you know, these kind of things happen and you have to bring it back and take it.

A step backward, a little bit and realize what, our parents were not superhuman that we all were.

We just were humans.

We you know, we we have our frailties, we have our areas that we are not.

We I mean, I don't ever want to call this a mistake.

I don't think any of us are a mistake but that things happen.

Life

happens, life is messy, it's very messy.

But our goal is definitely that no one ever feel alone in this process.

And so even if someone just calls the hotline, just to have someone listen to them, I don't know about you, but I totally felt like, oh my gosh, I'm the only one that this.

Oh yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And so when people call the hotline is there somebody there that will answer or do they leave a message, how do they get in touch with with you and your support

system?

There's two ways on our website, you can some people don't want their, it's even too much to call.

So there's a button on the website where you can ask for help and we will reach out to them either via email or phone call, however they request or if they call the hotline, we try to answer it.

Some, you know, these are all volunteers.

Who staff our hotline Line who had an MP e.

So sometimes people leave a message, sometimes the calls answered directly.

We try to call back within 24 hours.

Sometimes people are are needing help.

If anyone's in crisis, we ask that they call 911 for help because we want to ensure we're not Mental Health Providers.

Were there to listen and read refer to mental.

We do have a directory of therapist that we refer people to and if someone's on Directory, we will find them.

Sometimes we spend weeks looking for a mental health person, who has experience helping them in their state, you know, plus we deal with insurance and we don't take, we don't deal with it, but we try to find a therapist that has the insurance.

The person needs it can be quite a process, which is why the mentors are can be so helpful in the

intern.

Yeah, that's great.

And I mean, I will say right to know I think has the most comprehensive.

Source list that I found and have definitely used it myself.

There's links to identify therapists in your state and just tons and tons of great information.

So thank you for all the work that you've done to pull that together.

I want to talk a little bit about the advocacy work that you do.

What kinds of things do you work toward so that we all have the right to know our genetic identity identity?

I mean

that's all.

Movie goal, right?

It is a fundamental human right to know your genetic identity.

And I say that knowing that, that's a very complicated thing to say.

Because we all come from unique situations we advocate for telling people about their unique conception from birth.

The mental health field has definitely shown it's in the best interest and mental health of the child to know that they are not genetically related to one or both of Their parents may be grew up without genetic mirroring.

You have some genetic bewilderment, you don't understand why you're different, whereas if it's normalized as a child, you're okay.

So how do we do that through advocacy work?

I ultimately feel that we need birth certificate reform in the United States.

I believe that birth certificates should have space for genetic mother and genetic father.

And then Lines for the number of parents who are legally responsible for the child.

And that way, nobody would ever grow up without access to their genetic identity.

That's a long haul goal and you want to chat in 15 years.

I hope were there right now, we've been really working on an issue that is important to me.

When I after my Discovery, I wanted to change my birth certificate and I was looking at Washington State's law.

Laws and the uniform parentage Act is the most up-to-date.

Like, it's so in Washington, we updated our uniform, parentage act.

When I was reading it, trying to figure out how to change my birth certificate.

I'm a non-practicing attorney I noticed that it said donor conceived.

People can never put their genetic parent on the birth certificate even if they wanted to, and I thought that was wrong.

It puts them in a second-class citizenship.

And so we started working with Tracy Portugal here, who does the website The owner deceived who found out that her genetic father was her mother's fertility, doctor to try to introduce fertility fraud legislation in Washington, and since then we've branched out into five states and we're very excited that last week, the governor of Iowa signed our bill into law, codifying broad-based fertility, fraud making it a crime.

If the donor lies about his information, most people don't understand, the fertility, industry is highly Regulated.

And there's no checks or balances.

And everyone's like, oh, it's like a dating app.

Yes, that's true.

Either people scroll scroll and choose the gamut provider but there's no when you when you go to a dating app you're going to meet that person, right?

And you're going to know if they're telling the truth about their PHD or their medical history.

Eventually you get to interview them almost when you see them for the date.

So and if the picture is real and all that stuff, whereas there's no.

Requirement for truth in the fertility industry.

So law and Iowa makes it a crime for any type of fraud in the fertility process, including doctors that use their own gametes without permission of their patient.

They actually made it a sex crime.

Texas is the only other state in the United States that has done that.

So, we're really excited to move the needle forward in that area.

That's amazing work.

And I did not know that about donor can.

Steve people not being able to list their genetic parent on their birth

certificate.

No.

And you know what?

Like I said, Washington is the most Progressive and in Washington state.

You have the right.

If you were born after the bill was enacted.

But it took a fact which was 2020.

So we're talking about people who are two years old right now, but when they turn 18, they have the right to know that her genetic identity in Washington state Colorado with the help of the u.s. deventer conceived Council, just enacted a bill that starting in Only 25 people who are The Offspring born 2025 or thereafter in Colorado from Gamay, provision will have the right to know their genetic identity when they turn 18 and you know, and eventually we need to see Federal legislation on this.

And we're really excited to hopefully start working in that

Arena.

Yeah, I think the birth certificate conversation is just so interesting because it's something that really comes up and I've had guests on the show that have been very emotional about the fact that their birth It is inaccurate and I think that's just amazing work.

Let's check in and 15 years.

Like you

said, I mean, a problem with birth certificates, but most people don't understand is what is a birth certificate for in the law, a birth certificate in the law is, who's responsible for a child, it has nothing to do with genealogy.

But from a societal perspective you know I my great-great grandkids are going to get that assignment in elementary school, right?

Or they pick their family tree and I want them to be able to see their rich Wish history.

I had some very fascinating relatives now in my family tree and I'd love for them to be able to do the research and have the documentation for that.

But then on the flip side of that, you know, my African Heritage from growing up influenced me greatly and so I really would like to be able to see a way that we can have both of those things.

On our birth certificate that it's not an.

Either/or choice for your choosing between, maybe the man who raised you Even though my birth certificate, father didn't raise me or your genetic.

Father, we shouldn't have to choose those things.

What is something that people maybe don't realize about the MPE experience?

It's been interesting to me since it's been so long for us but and I always thought, oh, I'm going to figure this out.

Tie it in a bow and put it in the closet and I'm done II solved my mp.

Yeah.

And I've realized that's just never going to be the case.

Certain things that come up that can be triggering for people about their MP e and I've had that happen to me when I'm least expecting it.

So this is something that we will carry with us.

It gets easier over time.

Alicia and I after talking with hundreds of people about this three years is what we see, it takes about three years to fully feel like you right at your ship and your back on course a little bit, everybody's different, but that three hours, you know what one thing I want to

say, like what somebody goes into place a therapy or something, you know.

Everybody's trauma, they have to Define that for themselves, Alexis.

I mean, what you go through is going to be different than what I go through.

And so when you determine what is it that you need to go through your just, you begin to find yourself again in that stage or kind of connecting with yourself, a therapist may help you with that.

And then that person also, when we got to find out where they're at, what is it?

They understand about their situation.

Some people are just really, just they're Blown Away.

They don't know what to think of any of it.

Others come to us completely.

Lee I made they really get it.

They know what's going on.

But they are sometimes in worse shape than the one that's just, you know, like I don't really understand any of this but I think I do.

It's so it's building those skills up and then when you realize they're finding out where they're at and they're angry or whatever is going on and they're and they're really clearly traumatized.

When we start helping people we start poking through and trying to find ways to wear healing can start from the trauma and you know, that is.

So it's a tough, it's a tough.

The furrowed to go.

We talk about this all the time.

How many years does it really take for us to finally feel normal for us?

We feel like it's three years and you think about that 365 days times 3.

That's over 1,000 days of when you finally find this out.

And I don't even think that is you know where you just finally are feeling like okay I can wake up and not be thinking about it constantly.

So that's probably what I'm saying when I say three years it's a constant ache in the heart.

Well I'm not He is traumatized from the dirt, their Discovery.

We all react to these things differently.

The number one word and all of our talking to people and in our surveys that we've done is shocked.

I mean that's the number one word that people use to describe their DNA surprise.

But ever, you're right, everyone's experience is so different and some people don't don't feel traumatized.

I think a lot of the people that come into the support groups that we see and the people that I've talked to you for the podcast, Outcast their experiences, generally seem to fall along the trauma line, but not everyone is like that.

I've talked to some people who have a lot of compassion for their parents and understand why they made the choices they made and seem to be pretty well adjusted.

So yeah, it's true.

The experience is very different for everyone.

Both of you had an ethnic shift as a result of your DNA surprise and I as you know, I did too.

What resources do you have for people that have had that component to their DNA

Discovery?

We do have two private, Facebook groups that get to this, whether the at where we can talk about those ethnic shifting because when you, when you find yourself, part of a new culture that you don't have the cultural experiences or the words to use, because you didn't grow up in that culture, sometimes you have questions that are uncomfortable, you don't mean anything in a fashion, but they might be interpreted in a certain way.

If somebody didn't know the Text.

So we have a private Facebook group where people can come and talk about some of these issues and questions concerns amazements.

Whatever it is that they want to talk about with their ethnicity shift.

We also have one for Jewish identity as well.

I will say, for me, I mean, you have imposter syndrome is a big issue.

I think when you have a ethnicity shift, I think impostor syndrome is a big issue for some people, because you now have this culture that you don't have the language, the lived.

Variants the foods, you know, the history with.

But you're curious about, you want to know more about maybe and you maybe even look like you belong in there.

I know for me the first time I went to Temple, if I didn't open my mouth, everyone thought I belonged.

But as soon as I started talking, it was clear that I didn't have those that lived experience to take with me.

So when I always say to people, if you have an ethnicity shift, make sure you have people, you can talk to like, in our private vut, Facebook groups.

But what you need to do is start building some of that lid.

Lived experience in that culture, little by little, whatever that means for you.

Maybe it's just starting to watch some movies associated with that culture.

That's an F thing that you can do on your own and gain some confidence.

Read some books by authors from that culture, you can do some language studies.

We have some amazing webinars that we've done throughout the rest of the year.

We have webinars once a month on different topics and we One about language things that you can do to start learning your new cultures language, and then when you get more comfortable, you can head outside and start to meet people from that culture and start to create lived experience.

So you start to build some of those things that you may feel, you missed out on in your childhood.

All of our webinars are available, on our education, site mpeg-dash education and there's some great ones out there that language.

One, we have one talking about these ethnicity ships.

That's fabulous.

It's actually one of my favorite ones.

The therapy directory that we created was actually created because largely made of you know we're the psychotherapist were those that that didn't we needed people that could deal with some of the issues you just mentioned and we actually have people of color that are therapists in our directory and when we are specifically asked for those kind of people that need help, we're we try to get folks to the right people to talk to because I think more than anything, you know, we just want to make sure

the resources are out there for people and they have a place to go.

Oh, that's amazing.

And yes, Cara all the things that you mentioned the Imposter syndrome and ways to connect.

I mean those are definitely things that I've experienced and I'm sure other people that have had an ethnicity changed through DNA.

Surprise can relate to.

So thank you for speaking to that.

It's so scary Alexis because I know for me, I really want to learn more about my Jewish identity, B.

Because my genetic family rejected me, I didn't have that Avenue.

And so we need to take baby steps until we're ready to take bigger steps and I now have built a beautiful Jewish Community for myself and I really encourage people to start small and work their way out in their comfort zone.

Whatever it may be, whatever they may have discovered about themselves in their eye, in their, in their new ethnicity or new identity from their DNA.

Is now you all have a summit coming up next year.

Can you share about that?

So excited.

We are very excited about that.

Oh my gosh, there's so much to say about it.

We're we have been working on that, I don't know.

It's probably been almost a year in the thought processes and then several months of getting that off the ground, we are partnering with nap which is an adoptee organization out of Indiana and have Have plans for early spring end of March early, April and will be putting out more announcements about that, but we've called it untangling.

Our root system is the title of it, and we do have a website for that.

What is the website again, car?

I'm paying their Roots

dot-org, I'm telling Iris dot org.

Yes, social media handle Associated it with it is Summit routes 2023.

The summit will be March 30th.

We're going to meet in the evening for registration and We have some fabulous things in the work for entertainment.

It should be a lot of fun and then we'll get up bright and early the next morning on the 31st, for a full day of speakers and panelists will be various tracks.

Lots to choose from, we will have a recording, so if you want to go to to you can you can get the recording so you can watch it and then the same again.

The next day, we're really excited to announce that our keynote speaker is going one of our keynote speakers is going To be Paul from Zach and if you don't know about his his story you should definitely look him up.

If you look up from Zach foundling online, you can find his story, he's going to be an amazing speaker and we're really excited to have him.

Tickets are going on sale shortly and we're really excited about that.

We're going to have early bird special and then the standard ticket price.

So when we announced tickets for sale, get him.

Why?

Can because we're going to have a limited number at a discounted

price.

Yeah that it's I am excited about it.

We didn't mention the city yet but the city is going to be in Louisville Kentucky, and it's going to be exciting because I wanted to put something in the middle of the country.

And when we got together with nap, we were thinking about where this would be a great place for people kid hopefully drive to it would not be a you know, that not everybody would have to fly to it.

We are.

We live in Seattle, Washington.

So it's a flight for us.

To get there.

But we've got friends on the ground and the area and it's just exciting.

We have a lot of good things

planned.

Yeah, there's going to be some great panel discussions.

Like the commodification of our conception genetic mothers on a panel genetic father's on a panel, will have a therapy track where we can meet and talk with therapists.

There's just going to be so much there, it's going to be such a great event to connect to learn and the The goal of the Summit is to unite our three communities with an amplified voice to increase awareness about genetic

identity.

That's so amazing.

So, we will definitely include links to purchase tickets and to the summit and right to know and everything in the show notes.

But for listeners, can you go through how they can best connect with right to know, we have various ways.

Ways to connect with us.

Obviously we have our webpage right to know dot U s– and on.

There is our we have a areas where we have our toll-free

number and then our are

also just how they can connect if they need help.

And that the email is there, on our web page.

We have our Facebook pages to that.

We had brought up the social media Instagram, we're on Twitter.

We have very robust groups on Facebook.

One is called MPE life.

Limited parentage experience life that has been absolutely fabulous group, that is inclusive for all three of our communities.

We've got the cross culture connections, we have a Jewish group and we can add, you know, we have you add all that in your notes for folks to go to, is there any

missing pieces?

We have a Facebook support record for family, people within MPE.

So like genetic moms raising mom's siblings, we found, they are wanting their own space to support each other in the process.

So we have that as well.

Our social media handle is right to know us and that's for Twitter Tick-Tock, Facebook, Instagram,

and social.

All the social, we have the same handle which makes it easy.

then our total, our hotline number is 323 talk and PE.

And so that's how people can reach.

Got to us and our email is info at right to know us.

And I don't know if you want to put this in when I was talking about Paul, but Paul Franz acts, website, is foundling, Paul and I encourage people to see or read about his story.

It's a very interesting story,

great.

So I know right to know is a non-profit.

Are you a 501 C3

right?

To know is, if I'm going to see three, everything we do is based on donation.

We encourage people to donate I like to tell Alicia if everyone would just donate five dollars a month.

If you had an MP e and you sign up to donate five dollars a month, we would love that or ten dollars a month.

That would that would enable us to provide the services to continue to provide the services that we provide for free.

You know, we can have five out regions in the week and sometimes we can have 30 outreaches, it awake and all of those people are looking for someone to coordinate these services for them, meaning finding Mentor finding them espera pist helping finding them a search Angel.

We like to follow up to make sure their needs are being met, you know, finding the therapist can take time.

You know, in everything we do is based on volunteers but things do have expenses Insurance websites, you know, all sorts of things like that that people don't really think about.

So yes, please, we encourage you to donate to right to know and are you

currently seeking volunteers for anything?

We are seeking volunteers were always thinking volunteers if you'd like to volunteer as a mentor.

Please reach out to us, we do trainings for mentors periodically and there should be one coming up relatively soon.

Right-to-know was founded on the principle that it's a fundamental human right to know your genetic identity.

And through that, we do mental health initiatives, education and advocacy, and we work with other partners, and organizations and groups.

But we only work with Groups that promote inclusivity engagement and our community's well-being as well as our right to know our genetic identity.

There's so many different Avenues to healing and I think we need all these different support groups and organizations out there for each other.

And I encourage people when people reach out to us, we encourage them to check out all the different support groups that are out there.

All the different organizations.

There is not a one-size-fits-all answer to a DNA surprise, but at the same time, we need to be inclusive.

We need to engage with each other and promote the healing process within our

communities.

Well, sad.

So these are, these are two questions.

I always ask everyone and one of them, you've already answered a lot, but it's all right.

We're gonna jump in.

What advice would you offer a parent who may be keeping an MP E from their child?

We've thought a lot About this.

As I said, we're in the process of creating a class for therapists to help their clients, tell their children about their unique conception and their can't.

Well, it's hard sometimes when you had a DNA, surprise yourself to realize, there are times when it can be very difficult for the truth to come out for physical safety Financial well-being.

Meaning like maybe a mother, their significant other would leave them and they would have no support for their child.

In the in the current circumstances or maybe they're in a situation where there might be violence or retribution for having the MPE disclosed.

At that time, we always encourage disclosure regarding and mpeg-4 the child can create a memory and we actually have a sheet on the MPE counseling dot-org.

It's also on our right to know dot Us website on how to talk to your child about being donor conceived.

And we One, that should be finished shortly on how to tell your child or adopted and we're in the process of working on 12.

How to tell your child that they had an NP e.

We encourage children, and we encourage parents to tell, but we also understand there are times when telling may not be the right choice, and we have to respect that, however, when a child reaches adulthood, even though we all know it's in the in the best interest of the child to know earlier.

For reasons that I just said.

Sometimes people cannot dispose.

But when that child does reach adulthood, they do have a fundamental right to know their genetic identity, we have support.

We actually have people who call our hotline mother's to say.

I heard you on the radio or I read an interview with you all and I want to tell my child their donor conceived.

I want to tell my child that.

The father that raised them isn't their father and Do have mentors, we can connect them with.

We do have therapists, we can connect them with to try to help and make that transition.

And that telling an experience that will come will be as successful as possible.

Yeah, I mean, it's, I like how car just, you know, defined our stance because as we truly are, we believe that with all our heart.

However, it is an uphill battle.

When we have conversations with people and say to To them.

This is what we believe and what is what we believe is, right?

And when you're talking about again, with emotions, especially a mother who perhaps is, had an egg donated and she carried the baby to term.

It's becomes a very complicated and difficult situation.

So we try to stay very sensitive to whatever circumstances that come our way.

But we're never going to waver About how we feel about that about the right to know, I know, right to know is all about resources and advice and support for people who have experienced misattributed parentage.

But what advice might you offer to someone who is fresh?

Who just found out?

Well, I know car and I think about this a lot and for me as a nurse, I have to always think about any anxiety or stress that somebody has that they just needed.

Take a moment, sit down, breathe and let themselves just sort of calm down because sometimes.

And I will tell you, just for me, I was about to pass out when I initially found out, I was literally my heart rated 1 up to about 200 and I mean, that was, you know, I'm not in the in that moment with that person when they're going through that.

But when that first phone call comes in, you know, that person has eyes all over the place with their thoughts.

And where they're at, you know, we just want to help them get to the point where they can, they know they have us there for them and we can listen for them.

It is the most craziest experience when you realize, you've had your DNA surprise.

And some people like I we are talking to a gentleman, he had taken his DNA test for years before and it took him four years when he opened and he was like oh you know yeah yeah it's not always when you first get your results to understand that their Waters receded.

Results mean, but when you do get to that point, I don't think we could say it enough.

You need to go slow.

You should not be making any big decisions.

You need time to heal and process.

Your brain is in fight or flight and you need to move yourself out of that.

And that's not an instantaneous thing.

You can just take a deep breath and everything is better.

You need to take a deep breath today and tomorrow and Next day and figure out how to move forward for you and that takes time.

The biggest advice.

I think that Alicia and I can give is to go slow and to focus on you.

I know for a lot of people and myself included, I take care of everyone else I'm constantly running around doing for my family for others.

My DNA surprise was the first time in my life, where I really had to say, I can't do this alone.

I need help.

Help and I need to focus on my needs in order for me to be the best mother, the best spouse the best friend and it takes time.

I want to leave it with this with a quote that I read and I think this speaks a lot to those of us that have gone through this experience, as traumatized children, we always dreamed that someone would come and save us.

We never dreamed that it would in fact be ourselves as adults.

And that just speaks to me because I mean, we have to go through our own circumstances and it's we have to help ourselves sometimes and whatever that days.

Sometimes that's asking for help asking for out.

Yes.

Absolutely Cara.

And Alicia, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today and for all of the work that right to know is doing to support DCPS adoptees and npes, we all share, so many similar.

Frances and the support and advocacy that you provide has helped so many people.

So thank you.

Thank you to Alexis for all the work that you're doing to spread the word

and we look forward to meeting and seeing everyone at root Summit 2023 in March next year and level it's going to be exciting.

Thanks again to Alicia and Cara for speaking with me again, if you're interested in registering for the untangling, Our Roots Summit you can do.

So at untangling, Our Roots dot-org.

And if you can do me a quick favor, please rate review And subscribe to the podcast on Apple, podcasts and Spotify.

I'll be back with the regular episode tomorrow.

Until next time,