Beth’s DNA Surprise

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Episode Transcript

Transcripts are AI-generated and may not reflect the final published episodes.

[00:00:00] Beth: I was always into genealogy. I love tracking families. I have a family tree on the ancestry. com that obviously now has changed. I was very interested in the science. I’m in a scientific field and always looked up to him. You know, he wasn’t a dirtbag. He wasn’t a bad person. He was smart. All the things that I looked up to.

[00:00:27] Beth: Photography I took in high school, just like him. I love to fly just like him. I’m outgoing. just like him. And my, he was actually at my high school graduation because he went to see his daughter who did graduate the same year as

[00:00:45] Beth: me. We found a leaflet from that 1996

[00:00:50] Beth: graduation. Her name is listed because their last name in the alphabet comes far before mine.

[00:00:56] Beth: And then on the back of the page is my name. He was there

[00:01:08] Beth: Hello, my name is Beth and I live in Delaware and I’m 46 years old.

[00:01:16] Beth: I grew up, great childhood, with my mother and father. I’m the oldest out of three. My sister is two years younger. My brother is four years younger. My dad and mom were great, and my father. passed away in 07. So, seven years ago and my sister and I decided to trace our genealogy. We knew that we were Irish on my mom’s side and Ukrainian Eastern European on my mother’s side.

[00:01:55] Beth: Grew up with 23 first cousins. Aunt, uncle, I was very, very close to my paternal grandmother. I was named after her. She was Ann Elizabeth, and my name is Elizabeth Ann had a really special connection with her. My sister and I, both joined separate DNA sites. I went on Ancestry. com, she did 23andMe. They weren’t. matching up exactly the same and we decided to test on the opposite sites. So we would match up. I switched to 23andMe, she switched to Ancestry, and in the meanwhile I read a book about someone finding out in the Hasidic Jewish organization that they didn’t quite match up to their sister.

[00:02:47] Beth: And what percentages equal siblings, what percentage equals fathers and mothers and cousins, so on. So I wondered why the genetics, why the numbers, statistics didn’t match up exactly to my sister. So one day she screenshot me the link or the page that said she was my half sister. I thought that maybe my mother had had an encounter with a different gentleman during the course of my father and mother’s marriage.

[00:03:24] Beth: Maybe my sister wasn’t as related to my brother and I I have dark hair and dark eyes like my mother. My sister is more fair and in the eyes and nose resembles my dad. So, I was seeing last names on my side of the tree that I didn’t see on my sister’s. And I didn’t match up exactly, or at all, to my paternal cousins.

[00:03:48] Beth: So, the last name that I saw, I was familiar with had been a very good co worker, had known through the years. We worked in similar fields and sometimes would crisscross. Um, Have a picture together from 1999. Just him and I at a football game. Known as my mother’s old friend, old co worker from 50 years ago.

[00:04:14] Beth: So I was seeing his last name on my DNA chart. I saw one very close relative and reached out to him and said, is there any way that you know my paternal or maternal grandparents? Is there any chance that you’re my father? And he said, no I’m not, but I believe that you’ll find the answers that you were looking for.

[00:04:36] Beth: Good luck. So I called my mother and asked if this other gentleman, you know, is there a way that he could be my father? Okay. And she was very angry with me and said, Bethann, you are your father’s daughter. You can’t trust that science. I don’t want to hear any more about this again.

[00:04:56] Alexis: How are you feeling at this point as you’re kind of questioning things? You’re asking your mom, like, what’s going through your head?

[00:05:06] Beth: I still thought that perhaps my sister was the one or that the science was wrong. That’s what I wanted to believe. You know, if I’m named after my paternal grandmother and we were so close and my dad growing up was

[00:05:22] Beth: so wonderful that we were this beautiful family. We grew up on 176 acres, horses, barbecues with the family.

[00:05:32] Beth: Everything was perfect. And I had asked her about the science and she was angry and for her, for me questioning her. And I apologized profusely. My sister still said, you know, there’s a chance our father played in bands a lot. He had to travel for work. Maybe there was a chance that I wasn’t his.

[00:05:57] Beth: My mother called me sobbing a few days later and said, I need to talk to you in person.

[00:06:05] Alexis: Mm,

[00:06:06] Beth: I said, Is this about DNA? And she began sobbing. I said, Is this other gentleman my father? And she started crying. And said yes. And the floor fell out from under me. I didn’t want to believe that it was true.

[00:06:31] Beth: I was in denial. Am I still the person or why aren’t I the person that I knew all my life that I was? My confidence, my way of being outgoing and loving people and working now in a medical field that, that caters to or takes care of people. I got all of those things from my dad. I’m very like my father.

[00:07:00] Alexis: Was that something that you? prided yourself on was being like your dad.

[00:07:06] Beth: Absolutely. I was very comfortable buying and selling real estate. Being confident in my job, in my relationships, speaking to

[00:07:17] Beth: people, loving

[00:07:18] Beth: and kind like him. So how could I not be his? And I was glad that he had passed. That this never hurt him, because what if he treated me differently, or was angry at my mother and I?

[00:07:36] Beth: I wasn’t his anymore.

[00:07:38] Alexis: Wow, I’m so sorry.

[00:07:40] Beth: It was almost exactly a year ago the next day I totaled my vehicle, I was stupidly driving to work, and I was trying to email. The first man that I had met on

[00:07:55] Beth: Ancestry and said, I just found out that your brother is my father. He said, well, he reached out to me and had found out also the same day that you were his, and he wants to meet you, but he asked me not to be the one to tell you.

[00:08:14] Beth: He wanted to tell you, or your mother wanted to tell you. So distracted, very engrossed in my conversation with him driving to work at 3 a. m., I struck a railroad crossing and totaled my vehicle.

[00:08:30] Alexis: wow.

[00:08:32] Beth: You know, almost felt like I was punishing myself or punishing my mother by something have, having happened to me that was catastrophic.

[00:08:42] Beth: I Had almost no injuries except for a sore chest. Didn’t break any bones, no loss of consciousness. My husband and my mother joined me at the hospital and there was partially a closer feeling to her. She was afraid that I would never speak to her again. that I’d be angry, but I felt terrible that she had had to keep a secret for 46 years and hide that from my father, from my sister, from my brother, from this, this gentleman.

[00:09:18] Beth: How she, she explains it and how he explains it to me was early in the marriage, my father and mother separated and she started dating this man from her work. After a few months she said to him, I want to try to repair my marriage. I want to date or go back to my husband. So she did.

[00:09:43] Beth: He with regret and love saw her side and that she wanted to fix her family. She went back to my father and shortly after fell pregnant and there was no DNA or testing. Then she suppressed that part of her doubt and I came out with, with brown hair. Like my father looked genetically like ancestors on my paternal side.

[00:10:11] Beth: And she tucked that away and never thought about it again. Until my sister and I began tracing our Irish heritage and none of me came up German. I came up Italian English. So, again, knowing about the migration of Europe and the closeness of the countries, believed that I might have gotten a slightly different mix.

[00:10:33] Alexis: So take me through kind of what you’re thinking as you learn this information. Did you know that your parents had separated before you were born?

[00:10:44] Beth: No. I know that she had gotten married when he was 27,

[00:10:51] Beth: she was 21,

[00:10:53] Beth: had me at 23,

[00:10:55] Beth: Catholic, two years later, my sister,

[00:10:58] Beth: two years later, my

[00:10:59] Beth: brother,

[00:11:00] Beth: So that’s what I knew my story was and Finding out that that wasn’t true. I wasn’t who I thought I was. I, I was in disbelief and shock

[00:11:12] Beth: Me knowing that he was out there, lived within 45 minutes of me made me curious. I had looked up to him my whole life. My biological father was very successful and outgoing and charismatic and smart. And I, I had admired him when I saw him at work, when I ran into him at, at events that we were both working we both loved aviation.

[00:11:44] Beth: I,

[00:11:44] Beth: after two

[00:11:45] Beth: weeks, agreed to meet him for lunch because he, he wanted to know me and realized that I was in high school with my half brother and my half sister.

[00:11:59] Alexis: Oh wow, were you friends with them?

[00:12:03] Beth: We had moved in similar circles. My half brother, was very good looking and a sort of arrogance knowing of yourself

[00:12:15] Beth: that my biological father had. My half sister is only six months older than I am and we graduated in the same class. And none of his children knew he didn’t tell them.

[00:12:29] Alexis: Did he suspect?

[00:12:31] Beth: My mother said that when I was a baby, I was an infant. That she met up with him one time and it was very romantic nothing personal sexual happened with them at that meeting, but they tore up all the love letters. And I was with her. They tore up all of their love letters and threw them into a stream or a lake, a pond, and hugged his friends and she said, he looked down at me.

[00:13:02] Beth: in the stroller for a long time, either doing the math

[00:13:08] Beth: or I looked similar to his children and he didn’t say anything. And they, part of his friends, a hug, she kept in contact. He did my taxes and my sister’s taxes

[00:13:22] Beth: through our life.

[00:13:24] Alexis: wow,

[00:13:25] Beth: knowing that I was in high school

[00:13:27] Beth: with them.

[00:13:27] Alexis: What are you thinking or how are you feeling about your mom with this new information?

[00:13:35] Beth: Nothing negative, just that I felt sorry for her as a 21 year old young adult, keeping the secret that she dated someone and I turned out to be someone else’s. And did she wonder? And did she compare my features? to my brother and sister. Did she wonder? Did she suspect? So versus me being angry at her I was very protective

[00:14:05] Beth: and felt closer to her.

[00:14:06] Alexis: Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. I mean, it sounds like this was a very confusing time in her life, and also it makes sense that it was maybe easier to kind of move forward, right, once she reunited with your dad.

[00:14:24] Beth: She kept pushing me and said, he wants to meet you. He is a photographer and an author and a pilot. all the things I loved and looked up to. She said, he wants to meet you. And I was very resistant. No, no, no. I don’t want to meet him. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to believe that this is true. And after two weeks, I nervously agreed to meet him for dinner with my son and my husband to buffer that connection. I could feel more casual. I could pretend it was my mother’s co worker, old friend. We showed up to lunch and on our key ring was a very

[00:15:14] Beth: specific to

[00:15:16] Beth: our profession

[00:15:18] Beth: and our hobbies and loves

[00:15:20] Beth: Key ring.

[00:15:21] Beth: We both had the same one and that’s very unusual.

[00:15:26] Alexis: Wow. What was your, resistance to wanting to meet him and it, you know, why did it, not that two weeks is a long time by any means,

[00:15:35] Alexis: but you know, why did it take two

[00:15:37] Alexis: weeks for you to

[00:15:38] Alexis: kind of come to a place where you were ready to sit down? Um,

[00:15:42] Beth: Because my father was so wonderful. because I was so close and so proud of my paternal family. My being named after my paternal grandmother and her, when she was passing on hospice told, told me to, you know, get up on the bed with her and she patted the bed and she hugged me. And she said, Bethann, you are my heart.

[00:16:10] Beth: She would pick me up from school once a week and we would have an aste. And I knew that I was closer to her than my brother and sister. I was Catholic because she was Catholic. We shared that in common. We traced genealogy together. Her family back into a very small village in Ireland. I knew that’s who I was.

[00:16:36] Beth: I was steady and steadfast and confident and proud

[00:16:41] Beth: of that Irish

[00:16:42] Beth: link and finding out that I was not Irish

[00:16:46] Beth: was a

[00:16:47] Beth: blow

[00:16:48] Beth: and confusion and sadness.

[00:16:51] Beth: I house sat in Ireland and Southern Ireland for six weeks. My husband and I. Decided to sell our house, sell our cars, travel the world for a year with our three year old. It was the perfect timing. He wasn’t in school yet. So, I tracked down, in the town, the location and house of my far related uncle on my grandmother’s side.

[00:17:22] Beth: He was unwell and I came to the house. The housekeeper said you know, father’s resting. I wrote him a long letter. I am your cousin. I am your niece from America. I’ve known about you my whole life and I’m so glad that in our lineage we have the same last name. So to know that I was, I was related to this Catholic priest was very

[00:17:46] Beth: special to me.

[00:17:47] Alexis: I just want to, Say that I’m sorry that that happened to you. Like I can tell that you have an affinity for that part of your background. And I can imagine how difficult it must have been to, to learn something different about yourself. When you sat down with your biological father and you noticed the matching keychains and started to learn, more about him and all these similarities that you had, did he share any, any point of view that he had on the situation?

[00:18:23] Beth: He was thrilled. He knew that I was a confident professional. I’m an international flight nurse. We have that in common, aviation. He’s had a love for aviation. his whole life. The key chain that we had was related to airplanes and he was tickled to meet me. No hard feelings, no strangeness, no no hiding, no embarrassment that I was his.

[00:18:52] Beth: He was separated from his wife at the time and my four older siblings. You know, he would see them, but he’s not as close to them just because of his personality and their loyalty to their mother. Now a year out, I speak to him every single day. We have lunch at least once a week. We have flown in his airplane.

[00:19:22] Beth: The first time that we met, just he and I at his favorite restaurant. He gave me a copy of his book and signed it to Beth Ann. You never know when you shoot a photo how special it’s going to turn out or if it will be special. And then along comes someone that you had no idea was going to be so special in your life.

[00:19:48] Alexis: How did it feel to see that?

[00:19:49] Beth: I was happy that he was proud of me and that he knew, you know, he jokingly, my younger sister, he had shot the wedding photos as a gift to my mother

[00:20:03] Beth: and she had separated for my father after about 13 years of marriage and he jokingly at the wedding reception said, Judy, it’s not too late. We could run away tonight because he was getting married that same day, later in the evening,

[00:20:20] Alexis: wow.

[00:20:21] Beth: to to the wife that he’s married to now.

[00:20:26] Beth: And he jokingly said to my mom, you know, it’s not too late. Come on, here’s your

[00:20:31] Beth: chance. And she laughed it away and was flustered.

[00:20:35] Beth: They had no idea that their, that I was their common link.

[00:20:40] Alexis: Right.

[00:20:41] Beth: I was, and I was at the wedding.

[00:20:43] Alexis: Oh, my gosh. So, I mean, he was around, right? You said he did your

[00:20:46] Alexis: taxes. He photographed a wedding. Like, He

[00:20:51] Alexis: has been

[00:20:52] Alexis: around your life for such a long time. Can you share a bit about Oh. How it felt to know that you sort of always knew him, even though you didn’t know that he was your father.

[00:21:07] Beth: I was stunned to find out that I had five half siblings. That I had gone to high school with two. And I was proud of the person that he was. And we had always been in awe of him. I was a paramedic. And the photo of us, he was shooting the game.

[00:21:26] Beth: There’s he and I with our arms around each other affectionately. And you would never know, but in the photo and pictures of him when he was young, side by side in photos of me, we, you can’t deny the resemblance. I have his nose. I have his smile. And when you put the photos side by side, you can tell that I am.

[00:21:49] Beth: Blood related to him.

[00:21:50] Alexis: Did you have that moment? And the reason why I ask is because many of the people that I talk to have, have this moment of, you know, How did I not know? How did I not see it? How did I not suspect? Did you have that? Or, you know, in hindsight, did you look back and go, Oh

[00:22:08] Alexis: gosh, it was right there. Or do you still feel like, wow, I couldn’t have

[00:22:13] Alexis: seen that coming.

[00:22:14] Beth: I felt, wow, I didn’t know that, that he and my mother had ever dated. I didn’t know that my mother was ever separated.

[00:22:23] Beth: It never came up. It was never revealed. And I, I did not suspect it at all. Because as I said old paintings on my father’s side, I had always felt. Less attractive, less gorgeous than my younger sister.

[00:22:43] Beth: However, when my paternal grandmother pointed out an old centuries earlier oil painting, I had the same nose that she had and she pointed out, you know, here’s where you come from. Here’s your roots. Look at her and she is beautiful. Therefore you are beautiful

[00:23:01] Alexis: Your grandmother sounds

[00:23:02] Alexis: amazing.

[00:23:02] Beth: Oh my gosh, she was everything. My father and my grandmother, when they passed, it left a hole in our family. A bridge was broken. It sucked all the air out of the room because they were the love that held us all together.

[00:23:17] Alexis: So your mom wanted you to meet your biological father, or I guess it’s not really meeting him, but to meet him as your

[00:23:27] Alexis: biological father. Since then, how is she supportive of your relationship with him? And what about your

[00:23:34] Alexis: sister too, who you

[00:23:35] Alexis: initially took the test with?

[00:23:37] Beth: She wanted to push me to meet him. And I was still resistant she actually told my sister before she told me, and that felt like a betrayal that she trusted my sister to reveal that to her because I think my sister was more pointed and sure of herself in conversation and doggedly went after that.

[00:24:01] Beth: Whereas I back off in arguments between my parents growing up, I would go up in my bedroom and cover my ears and listen to music because I don’t like conflict. I don’t like arguing. I back away from conflict and my sister was willing to stomp down there and yell at them, stop it right now. You stop it.

[00:24:23] Beth: And she’s younger than me. She’s comfortable with conflict. She fights for what she believes in. Okay. Whereas I put my head in the

[00:24:30] Alexis: Okay, so, so if I’m thinking of the timeline of events, you asked your mom, she said, Oh, don’t trust that technology. That’s not

[00:24:41] Alexis: right. And

[00:24:42] Alexis: then your sister

[00:24:45] Alexis: confronted her, maybe after that, and your mom told her the truth and then called you

[00:24:51] Alexis: and came

[00:24:52] Alexis: clean.

[00:24:52] Beth: She did. my mom wanted me to meet her in person to talk about something and I knew and when I said to her, is this about DNA? Through text message and then I called her on the

[00:25:07] Beth: phone and she was sobbing uncontrollably because she thought I would hate her. She had told my sister and my brother before me, my, my brother that’s four years younger, she She wanted to brace them for possible alienation from me to her.

[00:25:25] Beth: She wanted to brace them and protect them that I was different. And then

[00:25:30] Beth: she told me,

[00:25:32] Alexis: talking to you now, you have so much compassion and forgiveness and empathy for what your mother was going through and why she thought what she thought. Again, you know, it sounds like it was truly, she pushed it away and wasn’t knowingly

[00:25:52] Alexis: deceiving you for most of your life. So, Why do you think that she was so afraid that you were going to push her out?

[00:26:02] Beth: I think that because we came up in such a beautiful, you know, almost proudly confident side of the family, whereas her. Her side of the family, it had divorces and domestic violence and alcoholism. And my mother and father beat the test. They beat the odds. All of the family parties were hosted at our house.

[00:26:27] Beth: We had all the cousins over. They had such a good marriage that other people admired. So she felt like she had betrayed me. And then none of that was real

[00:26:39] Alexis: so maybe some of her own from her upbringing and everything else too, she kind of projected your reaction because your reaction just sounds so understanding, you know, talking to you now. Did you go through any anger or, uh, grief DNA surprise?

[00:27:02] Beth: Never anger. Never anger at her or my biological father. I felt a relief that

[00:27:10] Beth: my father has already passed when this news came out. I was ashamed.

[00:27:16] Alexis: Hmm.

[00:27:18] Beth: My sister was appalled and removed at first that I was so accepting and that I had met this man for lunch and she was embarrassed and I wanted to tell her this is not your story. This isn’t you that’s going through these emotions. This is hard for me. Since then, she has been more accepting.

[00:27:40] Beth: At my last birthday party in April, my mother, out of compassion, because this gentleman is so close to me she invited him to my birthday party. And I had my two close friends as buffers. My sister was there and at the end of the lunch my sister walked over and gave him a hug as if to say, I forgive you. I’m accepting. Welcome to our family. Since then he has shot sporting events and gone out of his way to, as a favor to my sister and something that’s special to my sister,

[00:28:18] Beth: shot photos of her

[00:28:20] Beth: child playing

[00:28:21] Beth: sports and made them special, emailed them to me so that I could pass them on to her.

[00:28:27] Beth: Considering her, Hey, I

[00:28:30] Beth: you know, I want to get to know your sister too. She’s not comfortable with that yet. he had done

[00:28:35] Beth: her

[00:28:36] Beth: taxes

[00:28:36] Beth: too.

[00:28:37] Alexis: Yeah, It’s interesting because I understand that technically your parents were still married when this happened, but they were separated. So it wasn’t Like your mother had this affair, you know, which I think brings up a lot for people. And same thing for your biological father. So, It’s interesting to hear, you know, your perspective, I think it’s important for people to hear all the ranges of reactions to DNA surprises, right?

[00:29:08] Alexis: Like there’s no one size fits all reaction and all of these situations are so different. But it’s nice to hear that you have such compassion and understanding over such a difficult situation. for your attention. So you talked to him, you said all the time, you’re very close. Does he speak to your mother at all?

[00:29:30] Beth: He, you know, is older. He’s I think 13 years older than my mother. Okay. And was very in love with her. She was in awe of him because he was so outgoing. Everyone knew him, quote unquote, famous in our small state way. So she was very reluctant to go out to lunch or meet with him and I alone. And she finally did.

[00:29:56] Beth: And I noticed that she was a little more dressed

[00:29:58] Beth: up, a little more makeup.

[00:30:01] Beth: Mm-Hmm.

[00:30:03] Beth: And, and he, you know, has flirted with my mother since then. She’s much more texty, versus he wants to talk in, on the phone, voice to voice. But they are friends they talk occasionally, or he’ll say, How is your mother? And he’s protective.

[00:30:20] Beth: If her vehicle won’t start, or if she gets a flat tire, He, without question,

[00:30:27] Beth: goes out to rescue her. At my birthday dinner, there were ten of

[00:30:31] Beth: us, and he casually and very graciously, without a thought, paid for everyone’s lunch. Not that he’s rich, but for love, out of me.

[00:30:43] Beth: for me.

[00:30:43] Alexis: What does his wife, his current wife, think of all of this?

[00:30:49] Beth: She was never married to him at the time when this event happened. I reached out to her excitedly because I knew her also. And I mentioned that her great grandchild and my son are the same age. Let’s get together for a play date. You know, I think that the children would really get along.

[00:31:10] Beth: And she said, Beth, I need a little time?

[00:31:13] Beth: to process this. And the granddaughter said, Does not know that you exist. I need a little time. And I felt like a puppy smacked on the nose with a newspaper.

[00:31:25] Alexis: How are things currently? Does she still need time?

[00:31:29] Beth: No, we’re a year out now. I go to their house quite often and feel comfortable. I come in the door. It’s not locked. He always smiles a huge smile to see me. He’ll call me on the phone and say, Oh, I’m running out of people who interest me to have lunch with. Let’s meet up.

[00:31:49] Beth: So it makes me feel good that I’m important in his life and I’m closer to him than my half siblings. I see him more. I talk to him more. I don’t ever rub it in their face

[00:32:02] Alexis: Are your siblings, like you mentioned, you went to school with, with two of

[00:32:07] Alexis: them.

[00:32:07] Alexis: Are they accepting of you and what do they

[00:32:09] Alexis: think of all of

[00:32:10] Alexis: this?

[00:32:10] Beth: I forced the interaction with

[00:32:13] Beth: them. I contacted them.

[00:32:15] Beth: He didn’t. I wanted to scream because they didn’t know that I existed. And I talked to my oldest sister first. She’s 10 years older and she has the same name as me. First and middle name.

[00:32:30] Alexis: Oh, wow

[00:32:30] Beth: My eldest sister. wants to meet me. She lives out of state and we have plans next month for me to go by her house. When I called her on the phone, she was crying, happy, startled, belief, Never anger. Similar to me. She felt very protective of her father and what he had to go through. Did he ever wonder if I was his and she’s been welcoming, looks forward to meeting me.

[00:32:59] Beth: And I’ll say things to her like, gosh, you know, your father and I had lunch and can you believe that he’s so persnickety about this? And she’s like, Oh my gosh, he’s always been like that. The other two sisters that I reached out to one was very welcoming at first. That has since cooled off and she has been said basically

[00:33:22] Beth: we grew up our whole

[00:33:24] Beth: lives not knowing about you.

[00:33:26] Beth: And we’re comfortable with that. And our family is what it is.

[00:33:30] Beth: The other sister I knew socially, we’ve been in a

[00:33:35] Beth: wedding

[00:33:35] Beth: together, did not know.

[00:33:38] Alexis: What has helped you work through your DNA surprise?

[00:33:43] Beth: My closeness with him. We laugh at the same things the way that he just breaks out in a smile when he sees me.

[00:33:53] Beth: make me feel so good because he’s not an overly affectionate person, but with me, he’s the closest. He has now put me in his will. I am his medical power of attorney. When I’ve looked at houses to buy, he accompanies me, protective like a father. And I remarked to my mother, how glad I was and how nice it was to have a father in my life again.

[00:34:17] Beth: You know, the, the grief since my father passed seven years ago. Now I have a dad again. He

[00:34:25] Beth: very

[00:34:25] Beth: proudly introduces me to his

[00:34:28] Beth: friends or talks about me. He’ll say, I talked to Ray about you and I’m just so proud of you. And I, I bragged about this and that. And man, that’s nice to have.

[00:34:41] Beth: someone close to you.

[00:34:43] Alexis: Yeah, I was gonna ask you, do you see him as a father figure, and it sounds like you do.

[00:34:50] Beth: I do. He can’t ever replace my father that I grew up with and I’ll tell him stories. He took my mother and father up

[00:34:59] Beth: in a plane as my grandparents on my paternal side built an airport and he kept his plane there. There’s so many

[00:35:08] Beth: sliding

[00:35:08] Beth: doors of us overlapping lives. I am amazed that we’ve always been in contact.

[00:35:14] Alexis: What’s next for you and, and your family?

[00:35:17] Beth: I hope that I can meet up with my other half siblings. I don’t know if my youngest one knows. She was from another marriage after me. He has two sisters who were very accepting and loving of me and reach out every week, were excited to meet me, welcome me in their home anytime. And his side of the family has just been so welcoming and they tell me that they love me.

[00:35:47] Beth: And I am very close now to my aunts, closer than I am to my maternal or my believed paternal side. And I don’t rub that in my sister’s face. I don’t bring it

[00:35:59] Beth: up when I have lunch with him I have promoted his book on my social media. I’m proud of that. Or videos that we’ve flown together. But I don’t ever say to my sister and brother, Dad.

[00:36:13] Beth: I never use the word Dad. Just his first name.

[00:36:15] Alexis: Do you call him dad when you talk to him?

[00:36:18] Beth: No.

[00:36:20] Alexis: Okay.

[00:36:20] Beth: Sometimes in writing, he’ll write me long emails about what he’s thinking. We joined the Civil Air Patrol together. We fly. We play backgammon. He’ll introduce me as his daughter. But he calls me by my

[00:36:35] Beth: first name. And I call him his first name. But in emails he’ll say, Dad 2. Or, Bio Dad.

[00:36:45] Beth: Jokingly. But at social events, he introduces me as his daughter and that makes me very proud.

[00:36:53] Alexis: it’s an interesting thing to navigate, right?

[00:36:55] Alexis: Figuring out, like, what to call them. You know, do you call them by their name? Do you call them bio dad? Do you call them

[00:37:02] Alexis: dad?

[00:37:03] Alexis: It is

[00:37:03] Alexis: interesting dynamic in this community where we all kind of land with what we call our

[00:37:09] Alexis: newfound

[00:37:10] Alexis: biological fathers. Why do you feel, a protectiveness with your raised family, like your, your brother and sister to not maybe let them know about, you know, how close you are with your newfound paternal family and things like that.

[00:37:27] Beth: because we did have

[00:37:29] Beth: such a great and close family? growing up that my mother and father were wonderful and made a very normal life. We went to a private school that my paternal grandparents paid for. What would my father think about this? The grief at seeing videos of him playing in a band and him holding me and just the love in his eyes.

[00:37:55] Beth: So I’m protective of my father’s memory. I am relieved that they’ve passed because what might possibly be their negative reaction. So I, I’m glad that they’ve passed.

[00:38:07] Alexis: You mentioned earlier that deep attachment that you had to the Irish heritage. How have you navigated that and, you know, adjusted to your, found heritage?

[00:38:20] Beth: It’s interesting to find out that I’m

[00:38:21] Beth: Italian. I, in my

[00:38:24] Beth: job, have been to Sicily. I’ve been to Rome before I

[00:38:29] Beth: knew of him. When I’m cooking dinner tonight and I’m making tortellini and

[00:38:36] Beth: pasta sauce, I think about this is who I am. I’ve seen pictures of my grandmother, my father’s mother. I look like her.

[00:38:46] Beth: now I’m proud of the Italian side of me.

[00:38:48] Beth: I joined a Facebook page and bought journaling

[00:38:53] Beth: about the NPE terminology

[00:38:56] Beth: and I was

[00:38:57] Beth: surprised

[00:38:59] Beth: that so many people have a negative

[00:39:01] Beth: reaction. That the birth father doesn’t want to meet me or the siblings alienate. And I was so grateful that I was having such a positive experience. How lucky am I to have grown up with a wonderful family and telling this gentleman now, Hey, you don’t need to worry about me.

[00:39:21] Beth: I was raised really well and my father loved me and he has such a relief to know that it was okay. He has said to me, you know, I said, God, I wish I knew you earlier. Gosh, we could have done this together and that together because he’s had strokes and heart attacks and seizures since then. Gosh, I wish we could fly for you longer.

[00:39:43] Beth: And he said, Bethann, if I had met you earlier and know that knew that you were mine, we might not even be speaking now because I wasn’t a great father to your siblings. I was gone a lot. I worked really hard. I played softball. I flew a lot. I worked like crazy 24 7 at the newspaper. And that’s why I’m not as close to my children and I regret that.

[00:40:10] Beth: So we were meant to meet at this juncture in our life. And I think that’s really special and important and not everyone

[00:40:17] Beth: gets that.

[00:40:20] Alexis: Yeah, that’s true. And it, and it’s so important to just, you know, recognize that, you know, like I said earlier, everyone’s reaction is different and valid and everyone’s experience and background and everything. There’s so many variables that contribute to our reactions to these DNA surprises, internally and externally, right?

[00:40:44] Alexis: We’re all different people. We’re all going to have different feelings. And like you said, if you’re father accepts you, it’s probably going to lead to some different feelings than if he doesn’t. And, you know, if your mom is apologetic, or if she isn’t, or if she knew all along, or if she didn’t, there’s just so many different, um, components to consider when we share our stories.

[00:41:10] Alexis: What advice do you have for a parent who may be keeping a DNA surprise from their child?

[00:41:17] Beth: when I adopted my son from foster

[00:41:18] Beth: care, he was an infant and I asked the social worker, when do I tell him that he’s adopted?

[00:41:25] Beth: And they said from birth, from birth, from birth, never have it come out later in life and the agony and negative surprise. So I felt closer to my son. We have something in common.

[00:41:39] Beth: People raised us and are our parents that don’t necessarily have blood. And I share that with you now. You’re not strange or different or I don’t love you less because now we have this in common. Be open minded, wait before your response. Look at, I bought a NPE journal. To write down my feelings so it can really lead to something wonderful.

[00:42:08] Beth: If you allow it to not replace the family that you grew up with,

[00:42:12] Alexis: What advice do you have for someone who just

[00:42:14] Alexis: uncovered a DNA surprise?

[00:42:17] Beth: If you are just as loving as you’ve been your entire life, you’re still that person. It’s just suddenly you have a DNA surprise somewhere in your background. that is part of your story and makes you up to be you. So embrace that part of you. Don’t be ashamed of it. You don’t have to hide it, nor do you need to tell everyone. Now when I meet people,

[00:42:40] Beth: I introduce

[00:42:40] Beth: it as, Hey, this is my dad.

[00:42:43] Beth: Or, did you know that my father has

[00:42:47] Beth: been at events that you’ve been at? I don’t necessarily

[00:42:50] Beth: have to explain the complication. I can just introduce him

[00:42:54] Beth: as my dad.

[00:42:55] Alexis: That’s a really good point, we don’t always have to, right? It’s important to, to consider the audience and the setting and everything when we share these wild, wild stories thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story. Like I said, many times.

[00:43:12] Alexis: There are so many different outcomes to these stories and so many different feelings and I really appreciate you sharing yours and I’m so happy that you’ve had such a wonderful result from your DNA surprise and I hope that it just continues moving in a positive direction.

[00:43:31] Beth: I listen to your podcast every week. I find things in common and feelings in common with the people in your show. I feel a loss for some people that haven’t had a positive experience, but I hope this makes them feel more accepted.