Ann’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Ann's Philosophy on Openness and Podcast Introduction

You have to be so open because you don't know what's going to happen.

You don't know who's going to show up on your on your DNA matches.

And it's I feel like everyone wants to know where they come from.

I have so many friends who were adopted and want to know where they come from, who their family is.

And if you get the chance to find out, you got to you got to grab it because you might not have that chance again.

So if I can be, if I can be that person for anybody that shows up on my my DNA matches, even though my siblings don't agree, I'm going to be that person because I know people want to know where they came from.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that explores the life altering world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host Alexis Oursalt.

This show centers the stories of people who've experienced NP, ES or non paternal events.

In other words, people who've learned that their biological father isn't who they thought he was.

We'll also hear from adoptees donor conceived people and the families navigating these discoveries.

Get ready to follow the incredible journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

For some people, one of the trickiest things about DNA surprises is that they force us to see our parents as human.

It can be uncomfortable to come to terms with infidelity in a marriage or that your parent would lie to you.

In this week's episode, Anne reveals how she uncovered 4 DNA surprises in her family.

As the found family member in each surprise, Anne shares what she felt it was important to be open to the new people in her life.

Thank you for sharing your story, Anne.

Discovering Half-Sister T and Beloved Niece Jay

Name is Anne.

I am from Salt Lake City, UT and I just turned 60.

My father is my father, my mother is my mother.

I have five siblings.

We're all full siblings.

So we thought, you know, you didn't think anything else would come of it about and my father passed away 18 years ago and he, my parents divorced in the mid to late 70s.

He, you know, she always said he cheated on me since day one.

So you probably have siblings out there.

So about six years ago, I found a a match that I didn't know.

And so I contacted her and she said, oh, you need to talk to my mom.

So I talked to her mom and her mom turns out to be my niece, my half niece.

I guess we just call her my niece.

And she said that her mom didn't know who her father was and gave all sorts of names that were not my father.

But then when she was cleaning out her mom's, I guess her grandma's, they found a note that had my dad's name and that he was a Barber.

And I'm like, well, that sound, that's my dad.

And so then Jay, we'll just call her Jay, did her DNA test.

And then I contacted her mother and they're estranged and her mother T lives about 3 hours South of where I live.

And so I drove down there and I took the DNA test and asked her to take it.

And she did.

And she's my half sister.

So she, you know, we met that one time.

She asked if our dad left anything and I said a wallet full of debt, do you want some?

And she did not.

And I haven't spoke to her since.

OK, so you you uncover a sister.

That's kind of a big deal.

How were you feeling when you put those pieces together?

Speaker 1

Well, I'm the kind of person that like, oh, we, we are related.

The DNA tells us we are family.

Now, I love you, but I'm also really good at like, boundaries.

And it's like, no, I'm not gonna give you money.

And no, you know, we're not gonna, you know, we're not gonna move in and take care of you kind of thing.

But talking to her daughter, Jay, who we are super, super close, my new niece and I, that was exciting too, because she's just a few years older than my oldest daughter or my only daughter.

And so being around her felt like she just belonged to us.

And it still feels that way six years later.

She just belongs to us.

I have three brothers and two sisters.

I'm the youngest.

My brother that's the youngest also speaks with Jay.

And when she comes to town, we all see her.

Nobody else wanted to really get to know her besides me, my husband and our kids and then my brother and his family.

But the other siblings didn't want to have anything to do with it, which is sad.

But you know, that's there's so many different varieties of how you you deal with your father cheating on your mom, because T JS mom is between my oldest brother and my middle brother in age.

So I mean, you first, you have to, I guess, be real with what were your dad was like.

You know, he just spread his love everywhere, regardless of his marital status.

So you have to come to terms with that.

And then you have to come to terms with you have this sibling and all they want is money.

So you don't really want to have anything to do with them.

But then you take the good, which is my niece and her kids, she has a grandchild.

And so that's the good part.

And you just take the good and you just kind of like disregard the the other stuff.

Yeah.

I mean, did you go through a process in terms of accepting this information about your dad?

Because usually I interview people who are on the other side of this, the people who maybe took a test and found their biological father.

It's interesting that you say that she was mostly interested in money because a lot of the people that I talked to, they say like, that is what the new family thinks that I'm after.

But I'm I'm really not.

I just want to know him or, or I want to know about him.

But in your experience, that was actually her goal was to get some money it.

It seems to be we've invited her.

We had like when we first found out we had invited her, my uncle was having his 80th birthday party.

And so we invited her up to come to that and meet the family.

My, this, this would have been my, it's my dad's brother.

And she just didn't want any part of meeting anybody.

She just didn't, she didn't want to know about any kind of health history.

She didn't, I mean, my, my niece did and she met, she's met everyone and she wants to know, she wanted to know about health history and stuff like that, but T did not.

And, and she's never reached out.

We're, we're, she has my e-mail, we're friends on Facebook.

I know she's undergone some health issues in the last year and a lot of those were health issues on my dad's side of the family, but I guess she just didn't want to reach out to us.

And when we reached out to her, she wasn't interested.

So as far as like dealing with, I mean, my dad was who he was, you know, there's no changing that.

And, and maybe because I'm the youngest, it doesn't bother me, but that's just who he was.

So I just go with it.

There's nothing you can do about it.

Yeah, what about the rest of your siblings?

Did they accept that?

They just basically ignore that the fact that we have other people in in the family except for my one brother who is who is also close to Jay, then Denise.

They just don't.

They don't want to meet anybody.

They don't want to talk to anybody.

I know my one brother, my middle brother feels like my dad didn't have these flaws 'cause I know when my mom has said something negative and we're all adults, it's not like we're little children.

If she says anything negative about my dad, my brother gets kind of grumpy of with her.

And and that's just, you know, their dynamic, you know?

OK, so you find this one sister and it's not a positive relationship with her, but you do end up having a positive relationship with her daughter.

You're niece.

You're half niece technically, but you're niece.

What happens next?

Well, when they come to town, we get together, we text each other all the time.

We're on Facebook.

We have a very like, it's not an everyday text message, but every so like I would say every few weeks we are in contact and talking and she'll be out in a couple weeks and we're going to get together for dinner at our house.

And, and so she's just family.

I mean, that's, that's all there is.

She, she fits in her morals, her dynamic, her humor, you know, she's just family.

That's that's all there is to it.

Meeting 'New Sister Jess' and Shared Traits

So, so that's the first one.

That's the first surprise.

OK, so, so, so your first surprise kind of it sounds like it, it didn't shock you too much.

You know.

Who your dad was and got a a niece out of it.

Maybe not a sister, but you did get a a niece relationship.

What's the next DNA surprise?

About two years after that, there was another like I guess would be the second generation, another DNA match that I didn't know.

So I contacted her and she's like, well, I was adopted, but this is my biological mom and my biological grandma never knew her who her father was.

And so my guess is we're related through that way.

And I'm like, yes, we are.

I can tell that that's where you, you, you matched on my dad's side.

Maybe I can just call her and talk to her.

And I called and so she took the DNA test.

And so I have another half sister.

So this is The funny thing about this half sister.

So we're in Utah.

She grew up in Utah.

We grew up in Utah.

My oldest full sibling, let's just say her name's Jessica.

Jessica lives two states away, and she was a real estate agent for years.

Her name is Jessica.

She goes by Jess.

New sister is Jessica, and she goes by Jess.

And she lives in the same state, and she was a real estate agent.

Wow, so.

Remember the old Bob Newhart show?

You're probably too young to know this this this is my brother Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl.

We went around saying that for for a very long time.

This is my sister Jess and this is my this is my other sister Jess, 'cause they have the exact same names and.

Wow.

And that is your relationship with with her life.

With new sister then that's what we call her new.

We have old sister Jess and new sister Jess.

New sister Jess looks like my aunt, my dad's sister.

She sounds like her, her mannerisms are exactly like my aunt.

And so it's it's pretty crazy and and she is a lot like Jay where my niece where she just she she really fits in her sense of humor.

She's very artistic.

I sew and embroidery and do little markets and sell my stuff.

She makes beautiful coats out of she upcycles like sweaters and things and makes beautiful, beautiful coats.

And she does markets too.

So that creativity aspect is there.

So, you know, we connect on a lot of levels and and just like Jay, she's just family.

Even though she was far away, we still stay in contact so.

If I heard you correctly, both of your sisters, your new found sisters, both of them knew that the person who was raising them was not their biological.

Parent.

Do you know if your dad knew that he had these other children out there?

I don't think he did.

He did say that when he was in high school, his old girlfriend in high school got pregnant and they sent her off to have the baby and he was placed for adoption.

We've never come across that.

We've never found any records or anything that indicates that.

And so he thought he had a son that was older than our oldest sibling, but he, he never mentioned anybody else.

But why would he?

He wouldn't want us to know about, you know, his philandering, I'm sure.

And so he would have had to say, oh, yeah, I cheated on your mom all the time.

Confronting Dad's Past and Ann's Accepting Nature

So he so as far as we know he didn't know.

Which is kind of weird that neither of them would tell him.

You grew up with five siblings and now you have two.

Two more.

One is close.

Tell me more about what that's been like or how it's affected you.

We don't often hear from your side of the equation, the people who have been discovered.

You kind of touched on this, but why do you think that you were more open to a relationship than your siblings?

Oh, I don't know.

I think it's just because I'm very outgoing.

I'm, I'm way more outgoing, very social, and I just feel like me more than my siblings are just, I'm just more open to the connection with just other people in general.

Just the, I don't know, I feel like everyone is connected together.

The the universe connects us in some ways and I think we have more in common with other people than we think we would.

And you won't know that unless you are open to exploring that relationship.

And they're just, they're just old and grumpy.

I know.

Do you have any questions for your dad?

Like if you could ask him anything, what would you ask?

I would probably like to know more about like, not that I want to know about his his personal life, but I kind of like to know, you know, what does he know?

How many women have he has he been hanging out with that could produce more children so that I could like keep an eye out or like, I don't know.

Are you my brother?

I don't know.

But if you could say, if you could say, Oh, there was this one girl in Reno and then, you know, then then we'd have more information.

I think that's the big thing is just, you know, you did this stuff, be honest and then everybody will be better off for it.

Finding an Adopted Biracial Cousin and Family Reunion

Yeah, I know.

You mentioned another DNA surprise, so you've had two.

There's actually two more the same thing, Ancestry.

I see a woman on there who's two years older than me and we are cousins, 2nd cousins.

And I've never heard of her before.

And so I, I messaged her.

Do you know how we're connected on my dad's side?

So at that point I was thinking like my dad's uncles had a child out of wedlock or one of his nephews.

Not putting a lot of, of research into our connection, just more like spitballing like, hmm, I wonder where this child came from.

I contacted her, we talked a little bit and then I just, I woke up at 3:00 in the morning thinking, I think this is my cousin's baby now.

My cousin would be the same age as my sister and so we wouldn't have been close at all.

I mean, she'd be thirteen years older than me.

I just woke up it's like 3 in the morning thinking I wonder if this baby belongs to cousin and she has since passed.

She passed away at that point she was already gone.

I messaged her brother and his wife and said do you know anybody who placed a baby for adoption in 1967 who was biracial?

And I swear, as soon as I sent send, my cousin called me and said, that's my sister's baby.

And so we did find an adopted child that they've been looking for her.

They didn't know about her because my cousin was a lot younger than his sister and their, their sister has dementia and accidentally said something about so and so's baby.

And they're like what?

And, and she had a baby and then she backtracked.

And no, no, I, I don't know what you're talking about.

And so they, they had been looking for her for years and I didn't know this.

So he did the DNA test and yes, this is his niece and, and she lives in Washington.

And that's another one that another person who like whenever we're up in Seattle or wherever, whenever she's down here, we get together.

And it's just like that connection, just being around somebody you are, you are related to, even if you didn't grow up with them or know them, that connection is just so strong.

And you know, we've gone to like the gardens and walked around together.

And, and so when we're together, it's just like, we could be like little cousins hanging out, but now we're adults hanging out.

And, and I treasure her.

She acts so much and looks so much like her mom.

And it just feels like we got a piece of her mom back because her mom was always so vibrant and and exuberant and just the life of the party and was just so loving to everyone.

And she never had any other kids.

And I had asked her once if she ever wanted kids, not knowing she had a child, and she said no.

I'm just going to be the best aunt I can be.

It's just not for me right now.

It's just not in the cards for me to have a child.

And I just and she looked so sad and I remember that.

And then now it all makes sense.

And so so everything's been really positive.

I don't have anything negative.

I mean, like T is kind of negative, but that's on her.

That's, that's her deal.

That's her bag.

And so everybody else has been so great.

Nephew S and the Pain of Brother's Rejection

So.

And it doesn't have to be a negative experience.

Like it's, that's good that it's been positive for you and that you've really gotten more family out of this.

That's how I feel.

The 4th one, this is the big one again.

Somebody shows up on Ancestry and it shows up as my nephew and I'm like what?

I have three brothers.

So I contacted my mom because at first I thought, oh, my dad, dirty dog, you know, hey, he would have been old by then because S, we'll just call him.

S is like 35.

And so my dad would have been like, Nope, I just can't visualize that.

Let's get away from that.

And so I contact, I called my mom.

I said, will you just look on your ancestry and tell me how you are connected to this person?

And or tell me if he's on your connection, because if he was on hers, then I know that he's not my dad's.

He would be a nephew.

And she's like, Oh yeah, I see.

Who is it?

Like, I'm not sure yet, but I'll let you know.

And so then I contacted my middle brother's son and asked him what his connection was.

And it was first cousin.

And then I looked at my son's and their connection was first cousin and then my youngest brother, their connection was nephew, uncle.

So I knew it had to be my oldest brother's son.

And so I just kind of text him and said, if you had any kids out there, would you want to know?

And he's like, no, I don't want to know.

My oldest brother was in the Navy during Vietnam.

He has never been married.

He's had girlfriends throughout the years.

He never wanted kids.

And so he's just, you know, living his life and he never wanted kids and he doesn't want to know.

And so I did tell my mom that, you know, this is this is my oldest brother's son and this is how I know this.

And then my family got really irritated with me and said, why are you out looking for people?

Why do you want to find these people?

And I'm like, they're just showing up on Ancestry.

I'm not out.

You act like I'm out there looking in dumpsters for people who need a home.

It's it's not like that.

I'm not out looking for people.

They just show up.

And so this one kind of got to everybody and nobody wants to have contact with him but me and my my husband and kids and my mom would like to meet him 'cause it's her grandson.

But all my other siblings were kind of pissed that he showed up.

And I'm like.

Why is that?

Why do you why do you think that there's anger around it?

I think because they're protective of my brother, which he's gone through some health issues and he's on dialysis now.

And I think that's part of it is that they're protective of him, which I, you know, I understand that too.

And I did talk to him a little bit more about it because he has grandkids.

That's what gets me.

I adore my grandkids.

They are my life.

And now he has grandkids, but he doesn't want any part of it.

And so I did approach it again and he said, what kind of woman would have a kid and not not tell the dad?

And I'm like probably the kind of woman you would date 'cause that's, you know, they met at a barbecue.

And the reason she didn't think, she didn't think he was the dad, she was with like 4 guys in a two week period.

Her husband, her husband's friend, some other guy and my brother.

And they were all white.

My brother's Hispanic.

My nephew has like green eyes with like a blue-green eyes like my brother.

My brother has Hazel eyes and he has lighter, lighter skin, lighter hair.

And so she kept saying, Oh no, it's not him, 'cause he's Mexican.

You don't look Mexican.

Well, you know, I don't know what to say.

We're, we're kind of a light colored, colored Mexican.

So yeah.

Well, Mexicans come in all colors.

Yes, absolutely.

Did your nephew then think that somebody else was his father?

Or did he know?

That.

No, he didn't know.

He knew there were 4-4 possibilities.

So he started with the husband who she, his mom, was married to at the time and it wasn't him.

They did a paternity test, you know, when he was born.

I think then he contacted this other guy, and I think he's since passed away.

And then he contacted somebody he thought would have been his sister.

And this was years ago.

And she's like, oh, that's great.

I have a brother that's wonderful.

And then they finally spent like $500 to do a test, and it wasn't.

And so then he tried to track my brother down through the information from his mom, but she didn't really have any information other than the first name.

And so for years he just didn't know he had zeroed out everybody else.

The other three guys were were not the father.

And so he got the DNA test like a year or so ago from as a gift.

I think it was a Christmas gift or something.

And then, and here he is.

I know it's his story, but how is he dealing with the rejection?

Well, I think he started off just kind of wanting to know where he came from.

And so I gave him a lot of medical information and just a rundown of the family.

I've sent pictures and he's sent pictures.

So I think it, it's hard to tell with text message.

We've talked on the phone, but we mostly text.

I he, he just wants to know where he came from.

And it makes me really sad that my brother won't, you know, at least acknowledge that he has a son and, and just talk to him.

You know, he's not asking for anything other than, you know, let's just talk on the phone.

I want to know, you know, I want to hear your voice.

And, and that's heart.

That's heartbreaking.

That's heartbreaking, especially with with kids.

He has he, you know, they have a grandpa that they'll probably never meet or know.

I do throw some little tidbits out there for my brother to just kind of Mull over.

And I'm hoping, and my mom hopes too, that he'll change his mind.

But in the meantime, you know, we talk and I've, I've sent his, his kids some little like some things that I've embroidered for like Valentine's Day and Halloween, things like that to send him a little, little gifts.

And so there's that he would like to come out and meet the people who want to meet him and, and just, you know, spend some time with family.

He's he's like in the middle of the country.

And so he'd have to come out here, but I, I do, I feel sad because, you know, and it kind of makes me angry.

And just like my brother is like, you just want to kind of shake him and say, you know, you have a kid, you know that.

And that's exciting because he's family and you have grandkids and grandkids are amazing.

He just doesn't have the desire to have a family or I don't know, but that one makes me sad.

Are you hoping to build more of a relationship with your nephew or are you following his lead?

How is that going?

We, we text message, I'm so far away, I don't know what else we can do other than just stay in contact.

It it goes both ways.

We both, you know, sometimes I'll reach out to him and we'll talk for like a good couple of days with long text messages and then then sometimes he reaches out to me and then it'll be the same.

So I mean, that's where it's at.

And I remind him, you know, I'm here if you have any more questions.

He can always ask us more questions too, if he has questions about family history.

I did go over a lot of the family history just because we have a really rich family history in northern New Mexico dating back hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years with the Pebble Revolt and stuff like that.

And so I filled him in on a lot of that because it's just a very rich history and and I'm super proud of it and I hope he can be proud of it too.

Embracing New Family and the Power of Connection

I think just the big thing is like you have to be so open because you don't know what's going to happen.

You don't know who's going to show up on your, on your DNA matches.

And it's, I feel like everyone wants to know where they come from.

And if you get the chance to find out, you got to, you got to grab it because you might not have that chance again.

Yeah, absolutely.

What advice do you have for found family member, somebody who grew up in the house, they they knew who their parents were, but then they uncover an unknown sibling who maybe wants to reach out and build a relationship with them.

What advice do you have?

Do it, do it.

Just accept them and accept them on a healthy and healthy boundaries.

But still you can still have a really good relationship.

You don't have to take care of them.

You don't have to give them your inheritance.

All they want is probably information, somebody to connect with and in your life.

I, I feel like, especially with my niece Jay, I feel like my life is, is so much richer having her in my life.

And new sister Jess also and my new nephew, I feel like they're all all three of them.

And my, my cousin, they all have given me different, like different components to, to make you who you are because that, you know, different connections with different people.

But that kind of like plugs into who you are and enhances that you don't know what this new person can bring into your life that will make your life even better or richer.

And I think people get so hung up on, Oh my, my dad cheated that they don't see the big picture that there's just more room, more room for everyone.

Awesome.

And I'm really curious about this because you are kind of the the found family member.

What advice do you have for someone who is looking for their family or just found a connection, whether it's through being an N P/E, A adoptee or or otherwise?

What advice do you have for them about reaching out to their new found family members?

Be bold.

You know, if an e-mail doesn't work, find their phone number.

Or if they're older and they're not on social media, find somebody in their family that's a little bit younger that can navigate that.

But I think a lot of people are afraid of rejection.

But if you don't, if you don't take the step to connect, you'll never know how it's going to turn out.

And if it turns out poorly, it doesn't mean it's over.

It means like maybe they need a little time.

And that's what I'm hoping with my brother is maybe maybe just letting it sink in and and try again.

And thank you so much for joining me on the podcast today.

Thank you for DNA surprises in your life.

And I feel like you have taken them all pretty much in stride, which is pretty remarkable on behalf of of people who are NP ES or who have found a family, you know, thank you for just being so open.

I think that's the best outcome that that most of us want was for somebody to just be accepting and open and, and freely sharing information.

And it's amazing that you've been able to do that, You know, not not once, not twice, but four times.

So I hope that your brother has a change of heart too.

But in the meantime, it's awesome that you're being there for your nephew.

So I wish you the best in the future.

Thank you and thanks for letting me share my crazy story.

And who knows what's going to happen.

I could get another one next month, who knows who.

Knows maybe we'll have a Part 2.

Thank you.

Thanks again to Anne for sharing her story.

If you have DNA Surprises that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprises.com and for early ad free access to episodes, join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises.

Until next time, DNA Surprises is hosted, produced and edited by me, Alexis Hourselt.

It is mixed and mastered by Josh Oursalt of Siren Recording Studios.