Rebecca’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Podcast Welcome, Host's Reflection, and Rebecca's Story Introduction

Welcome to the season finale of DNA Surprises.

Before we get started, I wanted to thank you for listening to the show.

We've shared dozens of stories, and your continued support means so much.

If you haven't yet, will you do me a favor?

Please subscribe to the show on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

And while you're there, can you leave a review?

It really helps increase the DNA surprises reach.

OK, on with the show.

Thank you again for listening.

Speaker 2

It's been really hard.

And you know, I, I haven't talked very much about my father and I've, I've mentioned my mother.

They're wonderful people.

And my father died unexpectedly five years ago, traumatically and unexpectedly.

And I loved my father very, very much.

I don't know what he would be thinking or feeling knowing that I'm in reunion with my biological father.

It's hard for me to know because he never communicated any feelings about that whatsoever.

One of my therapists said to me that a parent provides, protects and prepares and it's undeniable to me who my parents are.

They're the people who loved and raised me.

I mean, my adoptive parents, they facefully match that description.

And honestly, what do I wish?

I mean I wish more than anything that I was my parents biological child.

Speaker 1

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that explores the life altering world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis Oursalt.

This show centers the stories of people who've experienced NP, ES or non paternal events.

In other words, people who've learned that their biological father isn't who they thought he was.

We'll also hear from adoptees, donor conceived people, and the families navigating these discoveries.

Get ready to follow the incredible journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

An interesting thing about DNA surprises is how much they can rock your identity.

Not once, but over and over again.

Every time a layer is pulled back with new information, the foundation on which you've built your identity shifts.

In this week's episode, Rebecca, an adoptee, shares her heartbreaking and heart warming DNA discovery.

She reveals how she connected with her biological mother and eventually identified her father.

Her story reveals how learning the truth can bring a lot of pain, but beautiful relationships too.

Thank you for sharing your story, Rebecca.

Rebecca's Early Adoption and the 'Chosen by God' Narrative

My name is Rebecca, and I'm from southeastern Michigan.

I was born here and I still live here, and I am currently 49 years old.

I wanted to thank you so much for speaking with me today because over the last 15 months, your podcast has been a huge source of comfort and education for me.

So I'm really honored that we get to talk today.

And I just wanted to thank you before I got started with my story.

Thank you.

I was born in 1976 and I was adopted at about seven months of age.

It's kind of at the end of what they call the baby scoop era.

And I didn't know this at the time, but my biological mother was young.

She was 18 years old when I was born and she didn't have a lot of resources or options.

But what I did know growing up, I did know that I was adopted and I have a older adopted brother who I got along with well.

And both of us were the only two children of our parents growing up.

And my mom and dad did tell us from an early age that we were adopted.

I don't necessarily remember being told, but I do remember always knowing.

Being that it was a closed adoption in Michigan in the 1970s, we didn't have any information about the circumstances of either one of our births or families.

So we just were kind of raised with this narrative that we were chosen and we were gifts given to our parents.

My adoptive parents, who I'll call mom and dad because that's how I think of them, had kind of these traumatic stories for how they were unable to have children.

My dad was drafted into the Vietnam were right before he and my mom's relationship became serious.

So he was drafted he was gone for about 13 months.

They wrote letters, they fell in love when he came home.

They got married.

And my mom was only 22 years old when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, had to have a full hysterectomy and was unable to have children.

And they both had these radical conversions into Christianity.

They both became ordained pastors, and they both started pursuing our adoption.

And so growing up, I used to hear these stories, like spoken from the pulpit of our church.

So like my and my brother's adoption became like a story of God's goodness.

So it was like even more than the usual, like you're a gift to our family.

It's like you were hand chosen by God, dropped into our family.

What did you think of that at the time?

I mean, I imagine as a child you probably accepted it, but I'm I'm.

Curious.

I remember I was always embarrassed by the attention.

I am not a extroverted person that likes being in the limelight so to speak, so I disliked the public stories for that reason.

I didn't question too much this whole gift idea at the time.

I didn't feel one way or another about it because I didn't know how else I could feel.

Adoptive Mother's Anxiety and the Concrete Question Mark

I do know that my parents, they were never given any kind of education or support when they adopted my brother and I.

They, they were just kind of handed these two kids and at least they were told you do need to tell them they're adopted, but they didn't have any resources.

They weren't given any literature.

They weren't given any follow up.

There was no like recommendations for therapy for my brother and I.

So my parents, and to this day, I do truly believe that they think that we were blank slates and that God, I guess, quote UN quote, somehow assimilated us.

I don't know how else to to really put it because part part of my story does involve quite a bit of religious, it was a high control religious childhood that I had.

So I've had to sort of deconstruct and unpack a lot of that as an adult.

And trying to disentangle this God idea with my adoption has been difficult because the two were so closely intermingled.

So it's like they went hand in hand.

And so as an adult, that's been a challenge for me to try to disentangle the two different ideas from each other.

So I didn't like the public stories that I heard and sort of feeling like a a fish on display in my family.

But other than that, my mom and dad are very loving, very kind to people.

I had a happy childhood.

Our adoptions, they despite the sort of public knowledge of our adoptions, they were not discussed in our home.

There was a very clear feeling that it, it made in particular my, my mom very uncomfortable.

I could tell it, it made her sad or it grieved her to think about her infertility.

And I'm just guessing here, but I, I always got the impression that she was very uncomfortable when it would be brought up because I don't think she liked to think about it.

She did recently tell me that she throughout all those years, she was kind of tormented by the whole idea that one day my brother or I, our pictures would be on the back of a milk carton.

I don't know if you know that in the 70s and maybe the early 80's, the pictures of missing children would be on your milk cartoons.

So I think my mom had in particular had this fear that one of my biological parents were going to find out where I was and come, get, come, come retake us.

So it wasn't necessarily that she was worried about how you were relinquished or came to be placed for adoption, it was more that maybe the parents would be looking for you in in some way.

Discovering Biological Mother and Adoptive Parents' Discomfort

I think so.

And, you know, the circumstances of my adoption were different than my brother's.

He was immediately relinquished at birth, and he spent a total of two to three weeks in foster care while the adoption was being worked out.

And then my parents received him in their custody when he was about 3 weeks old.

My situation this, this was all I knew growing up was that my mom and dad were called the week I was born by Catholic Social Services.

That's who I I was adopted through.

They were called and told that I had been born and my gender, but then my placement kept getting postponed.

So my parents were waiting and waiting for weeks, calling, hearing, you know, kind of vague stories about paperwork not being ready or, or things like that.

And then then they'd get a call and say, OK, she's ready when they'd make an appointment for the next day to come in.

And then they'd get a call back saying, never mind.

And at one point in these many months, my mom and dad told me that they were told by the caseworker, I think, that my biological mother had changed her mind and had come to the foster home, picked me up and left.

And so I think that happened maybe twice and kind of a funny story, but during this time, so this was in late 1976 and early 1977, my parents were pouring a concrete slab in the backyard.

And they had written their names in the concrete.

And you know, my father's name and my mother's name and my brother's name.

And then there was a question mark underneath it.

And then they they dated the the thing.

And then so I grew up in this home my whole life, like, and every once in a while I'd pop back and take a look at the little question mark, trace it with my finger.

Interesting.

Yeah, that does make.

Sense then more about like why your mom was worried right was because it it it wasn't as smooth to to adopt you as as your brother.

Possibly.

And I, and I just thought of that right now that that might have been the reason why she was concerned or anxious about that.

OK, so I didn't know anything about adoption.

I didn't know anybody who had been adopted outside of my brother.

But somehow I I did know that in Michigan when you were 18 years old you were allowed to look in your adoption records for non identifying information.

When I turned 18, I called and they sent me two pages of typed non identifying information about my biological mother and her family.

I was also sent a what's what was called a parental consent form, which which means that at some point in the previous 18 years, my biological mother had come back to the adoption agency and left behind her identifying information.

For me.

That was surprising because two years previously, my brother had done the same thing.

He had gone to look in his adoption records and he didn't receive anything like that.

And I didn't even know anything like that existed.

So when I received my biological mother's name and her address, I I was still living at home.

I was going to college, but I was still living with my mom and dad, and they were very uncomfortable with the idea that my biological mother would know my name, my first and last name, and that she would also know our address.

So I remember they required me to use a post office box of a friend of theirs, and I was not allowed to use my last name in any correspondence with my mother.

It was my biological mother.

And now when I'm thinking back on that, I do see that as very controlling.

And it probably is the reason that I actually waited 10 years to meet my biological mother.

Learning of Biological Father's Rejection and First Ethnicity Shock

She lived 45 minutes away from us.

But I was so terrified at the idea of upsetting my mom in particular that I wouldn't meet her in person or even talked to her on the phone.

So we exchanged letters for about 10 years through the mail.

Yeah, it, it was a wild feeling, that first letter I received from her.

It contained a few pictures.

And I can still, 30 years later, I can still see like those pages in my mind, like a photograph.

And I'll never forget her second paragraph.

So she introduced herself.

The second paragraph of the letter she was explaining she was young and she said that my biological father was a very painful subject.

She did not know him very well but had been on a few dates with him and was really starting to like him.

When she found out she was pregnant and as soon as she told him he denied responsibility, he was upset.

He immediately broke off the relationship with her and refused to have anything more to do with her.

And she told me his full name, his first, middle and last name.

She told me that his age, he was 26 years old, she said, which I remember disturbed me at the time.

And then for the next 30 years, you know, a 26 year old man and a 17 year old girl.

I, I, you know, that's definitely illegal.

Now, I don't know about the 70s, but that really bothered me.

I got the impression that it was a painful subject.

And of course, I immediately learned that he knew of me and had rejected me at the beginning.

So at age 18, I get all this information.

I got more than I expected in, you know, a name of my mother and being able to potentially grow that relationship.

And I just kind of put away this idea of really ever knowing my father.

So during that 10 year period where you're emailing back and forth or not emailing, writing letters, physical letters, back and forth with your biological mother, is she pushing to meet you?

Has she?

She expressed that she wants to talk to you and see you.

She was extremely respectful.

She was making it clear to me that she wanted whatever I was able to give and I felt very safe with her.

She had married at some point a man who had three children, and she never had any more biological children.

You do have this difficult piece, which is your your biological father and learning that that was really painful for her and that it wasn't something that he wanted.

What did you do with that?

Did you have any desire to try to reach out to him anyway?

I was reading between the lines and I was kind of forming this opinion that he probably wasn't someone that I needed in my life.

It's hard for me to remember because it was 30 years ago now, but I was primarily interested to know maybe if I had biological siblings.

I knew I did not have them on my mother's side, but I wanted to know if I had them on his side.

So 30 years ago there was no Facebook, but I I used to Google his name.

I used to look online to see if I could figure out and he had a fairly common name, a fully German name.

So at this point I was told that I was half German.

This is a little interesting side note about my ethnicity is one of the things that'll factor into my surprise that I had later on in life was I was told growing up that I was Polish.

And coincidentally my adoptive parents are Polish as well.

And I used to think that was just a beautiful coincidence.

And I really, I really embraced that.

And I had Polish grandparents.

I participated in all the family traditions, the cooking, the the festivals, the different music.

I, I kind of felt like this was like a beautiful little gift that I would be the same ethnicity coincidentally as my adoptive family.

And when I was 18 and I got the non identifying paperwork, the non identifying paperwork stated that I was French and German and that that hurt.

That was kind of like a knife through the chest.

And I looked at my parents and my mom started laughing, not cruelly but kind of like an oops laugh, and said, I think we must have mixed up you and your brother and.

Oh wow.

I reeled from that for months, trying to reformulate myself as not actually belonging in the way I thought I did.

It's the.

Stories we tell ourselves, right, that make up who we are.

And so that was kind of the first chip away at what you knew to be true.

Yes, exactly.

Well said.

I just had identified so strongly as belonging because I wanted to belong so badly.

So that really hurt.

Meeting Biological Mother and Realizing Adoption Trauma

But my mom is so sweet.

She's a very kind woman and we kind of turned it into a little joke between the between us.

Like she would buy me little Eiffel Towers.

And when I turned 40, I took my mom to Paris.

So we had this beautiful vacation together out there and that was really special.

Wow, that's a really incredible way to turn that into something, you know, meaningful.

We try to, but my father's name being a common German name, I couldn't really find him exactly.

And then when I was about 28 years old, one day I was just ready to meet my biological mother, and I called her for the first time.

I heard her voice.

We had dinner.

I, you know, for the first time had some genetic mirroring.

For the first time, I was able to see myself in someone.

It was pretty shocking and at that point we knew each other because we've been corresponding for so long.

But it, it was a beautiful evening getting to spend that that time with her.

After that, our relationship, you know, it's hard because she's not really that much older than me.

So she does really kind of feel like like a cousin, like an older cousin.

You know, we don't talk constantly.

We don't see each other constantly, but a couple times a year we do a big check in and I know that if I need anything, she's there and vice versa.

The years ticked by and I got married and my husband and I had three daughters, these beautiful, amazing children.

And I really started experiencing some adoption epiphany when my children were born.

And I know that's very common for a lot of adoptees, but I mean, you just cannot sit up all night in a rocking chair with your newborn and not wonder who was taking care of you, if anyone.

You can't go through those sleepless nights and the 24/7 care for your child without understanding for the first time that what had happened to you was really abnormal and really traumatic.

I started to grieve around that time.

I started to realize that I probably had some pre verbal trauma and I I started to do a little more research.

I can't imagine what that must have been like while having a newborn and then all these feelings coming up while you're also in that kind of haze, right, of just those early newborn days.

So.

Yeah.

And, you know, I wonder if I had never had children, if I would have ever been able to have realized what actually went down when you're adopted, Like, people want to celebrate that and they want to trivialize your loss.

I've experimented with telling people I meet something different.

If you're, you know, meeting somebody new and you're getting to know each other and you tell that person you're adopted, 10 times out of 10, they're like, that's awesome.

That's wonderful.

You know, I've started saying I lost my mother when I was seven months old and they're horrified.

It's tragic.

It's worth grieving.

And it's interesting because both of those things are true, 100% true.

But the loss is trivialized, I think people.

Often center the adoptive parents, right?

So like they don't think about, they think about what your parents gained and not and what you gained in your parents, but not what you lost in that biological connection.

And I, you know, I don't expect people who have not gone through this to understand the complexities of it.

I've never expected that out of anyone in my life.

But it's frustrating when even people in sometimes it's called the adoption triad.

It's frustrating when even people that close to me, whether they're an adoptive parent or a biological parent or, you know, let's say a close relative, can't see that dysfunction and pain.

It's such an isolating feeling 'cause it's not a shared human experience.

You know, adoption and DNA surprise.

It's not like everything that all humans go through.

Most humans are gonna experience the death of a loved one.

Most humans are going to experience some kind of health crisis.

Most humans, I don't know, they're not going to experience this relinquishment from their families or this like horrible surprise that completely changes their identity.

So I'd say it's just like, it's just very isolating and very lonely.

Probably about the last 10 years when there have been so many amazing support groups that have popped up online.

Because before that, you were just a little grain of sand in a world of people who who you know, who are kept by their families.

Explaining Adoption to Children and Catalyst for DNA Search

And I can't possibly understand what that felt like to not know who you were or where you came from.

So my children are small.

I'm starting to realize that there was a lot more going on in me and a lot more that had happened that I was going to need to work through if I wanted to come out of all of this strong.

And I also realized that my children were going to grow up and not know who their grandparents were.

And in all honesty, that had never occurred to me before.

You really think it's adoption is contained to your generation?

And I realized one day, like, my kids aren't even going to know, you know, 25% of their DNA.

So time went on and my kids were growing, and I realized I had to look for an opportunity to explain adoption to them.

I felt a little resentful about this because I remember feeling like, why do I have to?

Why do I have to try to explain this to them?

Because I knew in particular, they were very close with my mom and dad, and I knew in particular, when they realized that my mother had not given birth to me, I knew that was going to be an upsetting thought.

And I was looking for an opportunity to try to describe this.

So I have three daughters and I think they were probably around 7, five and three.

And we were watching the Prince of Egypt.

And I don't know if you're familiar with the, but it's the story of Moses from the Bible.

It's a really beautifully animated movie.

And all of a sudden, Moses's sister, or was it his mother, put him in the basket and sailed him down the river.

And Pharaoh's wife picked him up.

And I paused the movie because I got like, goosebumps.

And I paused the movie.

And I'm like, girls, did you just see what had happened?

That's something called adoption when, you know, a mom can't raise her baby for a lot of different reasons.

And so another mom steps in and it was such an interesting moment because the younger two were probably too young, but my 7 year old was huge eyes trying to understand what that meant.

And she's looking at me.

And she said, well, if you didn't grow in Grammy's stomach, she said, where did you come from?

And it's such a simple question.

And it was easy to answer because they did know my biological mother, but they knew her as someone named Gigi.

And they never questioned who she was.

I think they probably thought she was a family friend at that point.

So it was very easy for me to say, you know, I grew in Gigi's stomach, but she was very young and couldn't raise me.

And so once we kind of got over that hurdle with the girls, they kind of took it at face value from then on.

And I was glad that I didn't wait to tell them because I didn't want to have the same problem on my hands that somebody who doesn't tell their adopted child to later in life would have on their hands with that.

But once I told the girls I felt kind of free every once in a while to discuss my adoption with them.

And then we entered 6th grade with our oldest child and she started having to do the family tree projects at school.

And man, those bothered me because I had this nebulous biology that we knew nothing about.

They really focused on my husband's family and his ethnicity and celebrated.

And my husband is Middle Eastern, so the the girls really got into bringing in like Middle Eastern food.

And every time I went to the presentations, it was just all about my husband's family.

So I went through that 6th grade with my oldest and went through that exact same experience with my middle child.

And then 18 months ago I went through that with my youngest and I'd had it and I'm going to back up 10 years before I explain what I did 18 months ago.

So 10 years ago I was having some health problems and I heard about 23andMe that could give a little bit of direction.

And obviously I didn't, I, I didn't have half of my medical history.

And thank God I did have my maternal medical history by that time because Melanoma ran in my maternal family.

My biological mother told me when I was 18 years old and I started getting yearly skin checks and I have been diagnosed twice with Melanoma.

So if I did not know and I had not been getting those checks, that very easily could have been fatal very quickly.

So I felt grateful about that.

But I felt very disturbed and not knowing my paternal information.

So 10 years ago I did a 23 Andme test, not thinking at all about the ancestry portion because I already knew what I'd find and I didn't want to be found by someone who didn't want me.

So I kept my profile private.

I had absolutely no interest in tangling with people who didn't want me, but I was interested in the ethnicity breakdown and I was extremely surprised to find out that I was considered to be 25% Italian.

I didn't see it in myself.

I wouldn't have thought.

I've kind of red hair and light skinned freckles.

I'm a skin cancer survivor and I'm thinking Italian.

Like great.

I'm not seeing any German and I am seeing a big 50% French.

So like the French portion?

Biological mother's side.

Yes, so, so that's looking correct.

And then I concentrated on the health information and then over time I lost that login info, so I could never go back in and look at it again.

I went 10 years thinking I had this mystery Italian ethnicity, not really understanding where it came from. 50% French and then 25% like mixed European.

The Ancestry Test and Dramatic Paternal Family Discovery

And so 18 months ago, when my youngest child was doing her family tree project, I was like, you know what?

I'm going to test on ancestry and see what was going on.

And looking back, I think I had finally gotten to the place in my life where like, I was ready for a confrontation.

I, I don't know how else to say it.

I mean, maybe confrontation is not the right word, but I feel like I was ready to be acknowledged.

I was old enough I, I felt like I could handle a secondary rejection.

I felt like it was time to acknowledge myself instead of hiding.

I felt like I had been hiding before when I took the 23andMe test, too afraid to take it off of private.

I had like this really complicated need to face the person or the family who thought they got away with it, so to speak.

I didn't have any of those conscious thoughts at the time.

I was just annoyed at this family tree project.

So I did my ancestry test and I sent it away and I didn't think that much about it because I was pretty sure that I was gearing up for some kind of showdown or confrontation.

That's how it felt to me.

So 1 morning I was taking my kids to the zoo and their friends, and they're all teenagers at this point.

It was last summer, so I think it was the end of August last year.

I got the e-mail that my results were in and I didn't feel any trepidation.

I was just sort of ready, but I really didn't have time to go through the e-mail.

I was like running late.

I had to be out the door.

I opened it.

I clicked on everything real fast.

I ignore the ethnicity and I clicked through to the matches and the letters swam around in front of my eyes because none of it made any sense.

I had four close family members.

My top match.

I recognized the name as being my biological mother's sister.

I've not met anybody in my biological mother's family.

Even though I've been in reunion with her for 30 years.

No one in her family has ever reached out to me.

No aunts, no uncles, no cousins.

I did have an opportunity to meet her parents one time, but outside of that I don't have any connections with her family outside of her.

It felt kind of nice to see my aunt's name at the top of the list because I never had confirmation that my biological mother was actually the right person.

So even though I saw myself in her, I never was positive it she was actually my my mother.

So here I had the confirmation that she was the next three names, all sharing the same amount of DNA as my maternal aunt.

I had never heard of any of these people before, and two of them had the same last name.

I look down to the cousins range.

You know, the the ones that are could be first cousins.

There's like 12 people there in that first cousins category and nine of them have the same last name.

Also.

I've got this last name stuck in my head and I'm reeling, but I have to go out the door.

So like, I'm dizzy, I close my computer, I get in the car, I go pick up one of my daughter's friends, and we go to the zoo.

And, like, my heart is pounding.

It's the weirdest day ever.

I'm stumbling around the Detroit Zoo watching, you know, four teenagers texting my husband.

Like, what is going on?

Like, I don't understand this not having anything more than, like, 30 seconds.

Like if we stopped at like let's say to look at some lizards having like 30 seconds off to the side to like try to Google a name.

I'm trying to figure out these three top matches, how old they are.

Because the range that ancestry was giving me for the son of Morgans were one of those like 6 people that could be grandparent, aunt, uncle or half sibling or or full nephew or niece or whatever.

So I'm trying to figure out what are the ages of these people?

Is it my grandparent?

I'm I'm asking my husband.

I'm like, do I have any grandchildren?

He's like, no, what's wrong with you?

I'm like, I'm so confused.

I am like, could this be my grandson?

He's like, no.

So at some point of the day, I've got the Ancestry app on my phone.

At some point in the day I realized I didn't even look at the ethnicity, right?

So let's see what's going on with this Italian bit.

And lo and behold, I'm 50% French, 25% mixed European, and 25% Levant.

Italian has disappeared and been replaced with Southern Levant and I thought I knew Levant was Middle Eastern but I didn't know.

So I'm Googling that and I'm For those who might not know, the southern Levant is a region that encompasses Palestine, parts of Israel and southern Syria and Lebanon.

And at this point my phone dies.

So then I'm stranded in the Detroit Zoo with all the teenagers and no phone for several hours till I get home and I think I stayed up the entire night Googling and Googling until I found an obituary.

And I know everybody says this but it had everybody's name in it.

Unfortunately there were three sons in the family that could have been my father.

At this point I'm I'm understanding that two of the close matches were paternal ants and 1 is probably my half brother.

So for a couple of weeks I'm not sure what to do.

I'm just talking to my husband.

I'm like sort of reeling.

I'm making up.

As I come to find out after listening to many of the stories shared on your podcast, my brain is like trying to jump to all these conclusions that don't involve anybody lying to me.

That's such a good way to put that.

That is such a good way to put that I.

Couldn't.

I'm thinking of all kinds of ways that this could have accidentally happened and not be a lie or And then in the meantime I'm having a hard time believing any of it.

So I do an ancestry test on all three of my daughters to try to get some extra confirmation.

I didn't think it was a mistake, I just needed some extra confirmation before I confronted anybody.

Did you confront your biological mother?

It took me a couple of weeks and we were busy and camping and doing some other things to even work up the courage to ask.

And at the same time, I did not know who exactly was my father.

Anyway, so I started joining the, the Facebook groups like the DNA detectives and things like that.

And then I hear about search angels.

I'd never heard about search angels before.

I start thinking about contacting one.

This was about 15 months ago.

I, I contacted the the DNA Angel and within 20 minutes they knew who my father was.

And when I said, Are you sure?

Are you sure?

She's like, your matches do not get any better than this.

I'm like, really?

She's like, yes.

And once I had his name is when I texted my biological mother and I didn't want to just call her and spring it on her.

And I figured how she responded to like a litmus test would tell me whether she knew this call was coming or not.

Biological Mother's Emotional Response and Strained Relationship

So I just texted her and I said, if you do you have a couple minutes, I want to talk to you about adna test I took.

So I figured if if I heard crickets, I would know.

And she immediately said, sure, honey, whenever like you want to call me.

So I was like, well, how about now?

She was like, sure, I called her and.

Speaker 3

2.

Seconds and she could tell she goes you sound really upset.

What's wrong?

And I just said.

I took ADNA test.

And do you know who this is?

This name says he's my most likely my father.

I'll never forget.

I will never forget.

I was actually in the car outside of the mall and I heard something soft drop to the ground, like somebody was holding clothing.

And.

I I've.

Never.

Heard my biological mother cry before.

And you?

Know when people are mourning and they're.

Crying, but it's that wailing sound like.

I think it's called keening.

Probably for a full.

60 to 90 seconds.

The Keening.

Sound.

That was coming out of her, one of the things.

I had told myself was.

That maybe she had been assaulted and hadn't wanted to.

And I know that's pretty common in these cases.

That's something that people think, well, maybe, maybe she was raped and she didn't want to say or didn't know.

So while she's crying I'm thinking something horrible.

Must have.

Happened and I'm feeling.

Horrible for.

Having done any of.

This the first words out of her mouth were he was my boyfriend, but she told me that they had broken up and had been broken up when she had.

Met who she.

Thought was my biological father, and she remembered the date because it was New Year's Eve, their first date, and it was.

Impossible.

It would have had to have been.

The longest pregnancy in the world for her ex-boyfriend to have been my father.

And you know, to this day, that's that's still the story.

Do you think?

No, she believes.

That I don't know.

I really.

Want to believe that it's really.

Hard to understand what's.

Like a true mistake and like what is an untruth?

I I don't know.

I think especially I've heard a lot.

Around, I mean honestly from anytime really before the 80s or 90s, especially before the 90s that a lot of women.

Or or.

Girls, teenagers, they didn't know how cycles worked and, you know, ovulation and exactly where all the timing might be, you know, well, outside of that first.

Letter where she described who my father was.

She and I had only discussed him maybe one or two other times.

This was not a topic that she enjoyed Speaking of.

I didn't enjoy Speaking of it.

I never doubted it.

Not once.

And at another point in time, when she had been discussing my biological father, she had said she had made some kind of reference that people didn't believe her, but she knew.

Beyond a shadow of.

A doubt who my father was and I remember this and I remember thinking must have been hard to have been her in her position and unwed and pregnant and dealing with trying to keep.

Me but not having any.

Support and then having people doubting who the father was and so.

When she told me who my father was and then.

Later on told me there was absolutely no doubt about who it was.

I really did believe it.

I never once in my life ever questioned that maybe she was wrong.

So when I'm on the phone having this conversation and she's.

Shocked.

Or appearing to be shocked and saying it's not possible because that would have been the world's longest pregnancy.

And I'm just sitting there like kind of just stunned.

So I, I didn't know what to say.

But then one thing that she kept saying over and over again that just broke my heart to pieces.

Was he meaning my actual biological father is such a better man.

He is such a better man.

He never would have let us be separated.

And she was crying and I was crying.

Our conversation did not last long.

And I I had to get off the phone because I just, I could not.

And then I mean to be.

Honest ever since.

Then my biological mother has has been a little.

Standoffish and.

I know she's, I don't know if embarrassed is the right word or I'm not sure.

So that's been like something new to have to try to figure out how to navigate all of that.

Taking Up Space and Being Claimed by Paternal Family

Once I had confirmation that she had had a relationship with him, even though it wasn't being acknowledged that it was in the correct timing, I started.

I didn't know what to do, and I started listening to podcasts and I started trying to figure out if I was going to do anything with this information.

And it's kind of crazy because I had never my whole life ever thought I would ever know my father initially.

I had no interest.

Whatsoever in contacting his family, I kind of thought if they saw me on Ancestry and sent me a message that would, I would possibly, you know, attempt to have a conversation.

In reality, I don't think very much time passed at all, but it felt like a long period of time that I was kind of waiting to be noticed.

Probably maybe only three weeks, maybe 4 weeks had passed.

I had already been in therapy for anxiety and I started to discuss this obviously with my therapist and what am I going to do and what should I do.

And I flip flop pretty quickly from having no interest whatsoever in reaching out to thinking that it probably would be good for my mental health if if I was acknowledged because that was the whole reason in the 1st place that I had done.

The DNA.

Test as I was ready to like sort of be known I was very hesitant I didn't want to upset a family that I knew nothing about I didn't want to mess up any relationships.

I didn't want to intrude into something.

I started listening to podcasts and I started noticing that I hesitate saying this because I don't actually know if this is true, but I felt like when men were finding out, they weren't hesitating.

I felt like they weren't spending as much time worried about upsetting other people.

And I felt like a lot of times.

Women were more afraid to upset other people and weren't as concerned with themselves.

And so after some time, I realized that I probably needed to work on taking up space in the world, you know?

And so my 4 closest matches, three of them hadn't logged on to Ancestry in over a year, But the one Ant I could see was pretty active.

She hadn't logged on since I had been revealed.

But one day, just kind of on a whim, I just decided to reach out to her.

I explained my adoption.

I didn't want to just come right out and say what I thought.

I kind of beat around the Bush a little bit.

She was pretty businesslike, but she did end up responding maybe six hours later, and she was very businesslike.

She immediately wanted to know why I hadn't put a photo up on my profile.

And she wanted to know what my mother's name was.

And I, I didn't know why she wanted to know these things necessarily.

So I was being a little cagey myself 'cause I didn't feel safe.

I, I didn't know.

Yeah, you don't know.

And then you have the.

History of rejection from who you thought was your biological father's family, right?

And I had no idea what I would.

Be encountering or walking into and what type of situation.

So she and I corresponded, I want to say, for about a day, a day and a half, but it was all very, very businesslike.

And finally, when I revealed my biological mother's first name, her next message?

To me.

I'll never forget it.

My husband was with me and he burst into.

Tears because she said.

My dear niece, I am so sorry that none of us knew that you were born so.

I know now that she had been corresponding with my father.

She had been texting with him and he had been asking.

For.

My mother's name, and as soon as he had it, he acknowledged the paternity.

And I can't even describe to anyone on earth what it felt like when.

She said those words to me, my therapist called it being claimed.

And I didn't know that that's what that was, and the relief I felt that I wasn't, you know, going to be left adrift again, you know?

That very same.

Day She asked for my phone number.

She gave it to my biological father.

He.

He texted.

Me introducing.

Himself, It was very sweet the way he said it.

He was only a year older than my biological mother, so he was 19 years old when I was born.

We spoke on the phone for, I want to say at least an hour that same day.

And for the last 15 months we've been in reunion.

He's lives 1/2 hour from my family.

He's delighted to have more grandchildren.

He's been at every swim meet and dance competition for my daughters.

He is married and his wife has been wonderful to my kids and to me.

He already has a blended family so his wife had three children and he has two children from his first marriage.

So I do have 1/2 brother and a half sister and when I found out I had a sister I cannot, I cannot.

I have felt so alone my whole life.

Never dreamed I would have a sister.

You know, families are complicated, we all have dysfunction and there's some broken relationships in my my newly found family, paternal family, but even outside of those, it's just been a beautiful experience so far.

So my sister is 10 years younger.

Than I am and my brother is 15 years younger.

I would do it all over again just for the chance to meet them.

It's been that beautiful.

Navigating Identity Shifts and Resentment Towards Adoption Industry

Yeah, and I'm choking.

Of Oh yeah, that's I.

Mean it.

Yeah, I'm sort of speechless because you went so long.

I think what's standing out to me is how much of your story is shaped by the stories we tell ourselves, right?

So you had the story of being adopted and being divinely created for your family, and then you had the story of your ethnicity, which shifted and then shifted again.

And then you had this story of your biological father not wanting to be involved.

And then you learn that's not true if you own right.

So I mean, how are you coping with this continual evolution on because all of.

Our stories change over time.

But the foundation of your story has changed.

How are you managing that?

Like continuous change, it's been, really.

Hard.

And you know, I, I haven't.

Talked very much about.

My father and I've I've mentioned my mother.

They're wonderful people and my father died unexpectedly five years ago.

Traumatically and unexpectedly and I.

Loved my father very, very much.

I don't know.

What he would be thinking or feeling.

Knowing that I'm in reunion with my biological father, it's hard for me.

To know because.

He never communicated any feelings about that whatsoever.

One of my therapists said to me that a parent provides, protects and prepares and.

It's undeniable to me who my.

Parents are than the people who loved and raised me.

I mean my adoptive parents, they basically match that description.

If I've ever heard anyone say that.

That's powerful.

I can't.

Reconcile that.

Wish with the actual facts.

And so I'm also.

Really unhappy with the state of the adoption industry.

I also have a lot of resentment, you know, knowing that.

I was a wheel in.

That system, knowing that it's centered 100% around adoptive parents, needs knowing that.

Like I was.

Commodified and sold and.

You know.

Having parents that don't.

Have any interest in helping me heal from that or explore that or take any accountability or responsibility or do any therapy or any work.

And so I feel kind of stuck it's.

It's that whole matrix you.

Know you take the pill and you can't Unsee what you know, but you wish you could.

So how do you move?

Forward.

With with love toward the people you you love, that you choose to love, you know, does your biological mother.

Know that you've connected with your biological father.

And what does she think of that?

Yes, she does.

Actually.

We had to go through a.

Bit of an awkward.

Situation where?

We were all.

Together in a room.

And that was the one and only time, you know, my 2 biological parents had been in the same place in 50 years.

There's different factors in play.

I would have liked privacy.

That was not going to be given to me because of spouses.

So instead it was a bit of a public spectacle that was really difficult for me and I'm sure for my biological mother as well.

So she is aware and it it's just her and my relationship, you know, something is a little different right now and.

And I'm hoping we work.

Through it, but it's it's not a comfortable topic, so nobody.

Wants to broach.

It so to speak, it's the sort of like the best way I can think of it is that I have this like mistrust of reality like I I don't know what's true anymore.

I don't know if if my perceptions of people, especially the key players in the story over the last. 40 some years, I don't know if they're true anymore.

I don't know if I am.

You know who I thought I was.

I don't know what people think of me anymore in my family, like let's say cousins and aunts and uncles.

Like I had mentioned earlier, very few people are interested in talking about this.

It it seems like a a dirty secret for some reason.

You mentioned that your husband is middle.

Eastern So your daughters have that and now you, you do not.

Now you always have, but you know that you do too.

How is that realization like?

Was that a happy piece of this puzzle?

That was so interesting so.

The Middle Eastern ethnicity comes from my paternal grandmother, and as I have met my aunts and the family members on my paternal side, they all have said that she would have raised me, and she did not pass that long ago.

And of all the figures in this story, I've been dreaming about her.

I think about her.

I oh, I wish I knew her, I really do.

I kind of love her and I, I never got to meet her and she is the, she is my Middle Eastern relative.

I'm not sure what to do with that 25%.

I mean, I'm going through what everybody goes through in the situation.

My face doesn't look like my face anymore in the mirror.

I never saw what I'm seeing now now that I.

Met aunts and.

Cousins I'm seeing these things that are just shocking and I know that's the genetic mirror mirroring and it it some days it feels like no amount of time can erase what was lost and then other.

Days I'm just.

Like in awe and wonder and so.

I just wildly flip-flopped.

And it probably has not been long enough for me to be fully calmed down and, you know, in a routine because this is still something that I think about for the large portion of every single day.

Integrating New Reality, Future Hopes, Advice, and Podcast Conclusion

What things have been helping you to?

Sort of integrate this new reality.

My husband.

'S been amazing, so considerate and it it it would have been difficult without his support for me to have taken all the steps that I took 'cause I just kept taking a little baby step after a baby step.

To chip away at this therapy definitely has been helping.

What do you hope for in the future?

I was taught that part of what comes with.

Someone who has pre verbal trauma and who was relinquished and went through all of that like pain and separation.

It's like we don't get to start at neutral as infants, like we already start with trauma and it stays with us through our development and much longer.

And it's been pointed out to me that I have a really hard time imagining the future.

And it's been pointed out to me that that's probably why.

Because if I try to imagine if I try to.

Imagine the future.

I'm immediately met with like a terrifying vision of, of homelessness and various fears.

And it's actually my husband that pointed that out to me about 20 years ago.

Like, why can't you ever like sit and and plan for like retirement?

And I'm like, because I don't feel like I'm going to get one, you know, And so it's really hard for me to think future.

What do I hope?

You know what I hope?

I hope I continue to heal, and I hope that I continue to bring healing to other people.

That's what I hope.

For I don't know what the.

Relationships will look like I want to be a part of the good in the.

World.

And I know that to get there, yeah, I have to, I have to walk through some things that I'd rather not.

That's powerful and.

That's.

More than enough, thank you.

What advice would you give a parent?

Who might be keeping Adna surprise from their child?

And so I have.

Thought about this and.

While I don't think that my secret was kept on purpose, I'm not sure, but I don't think it was, I still know that the result is that the secret feels like a lie, and I think that the secrets have the exact same effect as a lie.

Trust is destabilized in the relationship and it's a massive blow to the relationship with the person or persons that is keeping the truth from you.

And I think it's hard, really hard to recover from something like that.

I think it's a very grave blow to the relationship.

And I wanted to also add that the reason finding out earlier in life is better in my opinion, is because knowing and accepting the truth at a young age, I feel like it's much easier because our brains, when we're younger, we have so much more neuroplasticity.

And I'm finding, you know, I'm almost 50.

Trying to accept my new reality at this age has been exceedingly difficult because my brain just keeps rejecting it.

It's like it is not sticking in my brain that I have that this man is my father and I have these two siblings.

Like almost every day.

It's like Groundhog Day.

I I wake up and I'm like, is this real?

What advice do you have for?

Someone who just uncovered Adna surprise.

I have thought about this as well.

And I wanted to say that you don't have to be claimed by anyone to belong in this world.

I struggled with that for a long time.

And I know everybody's story is different.

You have everything you need inside of you to heal from the hurt.

If you can channel your all your heart's compassion, all your advocacy and all your kindness to yourself during this time.

So instead of sharing like those beautiful, generous qualities with other people, hoard them for yourself right now because that's who you should be lavishing all that on.

I mean, it's a definite bonus.

Or plus if you have a support group, if you have family members that are there for you and all those things would be awesome.

But you don't even have to have those to heal.

You have yourself.

You can shower all of that love upon yourself.

I was also going to say that trauma informed guidance is helpful.

So if you're able to find a therapist that knows a little bit about trauma.

And recently I learned about the IFS system.

I think it's called the internal family system.

And everybody's been mentioning that.

And I don't know that much about it.

But as soon as I got that idea in my head and I found myself struggling with, you know, memories or situations or circumstances from my younger self that I didn't understand.

And I could be.

My own mother.

Like I could imagine my 50 year old self not standing for the treatment that I was getting at the time.

It's been really, really, really healing for me because you wait for people to save you, you wait for people to see the distress you're in, and you wait for people to help you.

But a lot of times that never comes.

So in these cases, you can take the initiative and you can be there for yourself.

I know it sounds a little bit like like a mind trick, but it really is just acknowledging that you deserved better.

And while we can't change the past, you can acknowledge that and stand for it and insist on it for the future.

That's kind of how I've been looking at my journey.

And then I did want to say that I wanted to remind everybody that the people with the most power usually get to tell these kind of stories.

They love to sugar coat the stories.

So I just want to say to tell your story when you are able to and take back all that power for yourself and you're going to feel better.

Oh, that's.

Such good advice.

Rebecca, thank you so much.

For joining me.

Today and sharing your story, man, you have experienced so much, but you still have such like a, a brightness to you and like this overall positive outlook amidst figuring a lot of things out.

And I just wish you the best as you continue to navigate this.

I, I know it can be heavy at times, even though our experiences are, are different, but it really does get better.

And I hope that we can connect again when things are are making even more sense to you and people can hear that.

Thank you so much.

Thanks again to Rebecca.

For sharing her.

Story If you have Adna surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprises.com.

For early ad free access to episodes, join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises That's a wrap on Season 13.

We'll be back in May for Season 14.

Thanks again for being here.

Until next time.

DNA Surprises is hosted.

Produced and edited by me, Alexis Oursalt, it is mixed and mastered by Josh Oursalt of Siren Recording Studios.