Robin N’s DNA Surprise

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Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

I would talk to my mom about it because I was angry with her.

I'm like, how could you even procreate with someone like this?

What was it about him?

At the time that made?

You think that he was even a safe person for you to be around and she just insisted that, he wasn't like that, imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host.

Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Every DNA surprise is unique and layered.

And this is, especially true, for those who have had major shifts and ethnicity, and this week's episode Robin shares, her npe journey, which began more than a decade ago.

Robin was always proud of her Blackness, but when she made her Discovery, she not only learned that her dad is not her biological father, but that her biological father There is white and racist, she shares.

How her Discovery has affected her sense of self and her relationships.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Robin,

my name is Robin.

I am 36 originally from Georgia.

In 2010.

I was working in a call Centre and a co-worker mentioned that 23andMe was Offering free ancestry tests to people of African descent.

So at the time, I didn't really have a good grasp of like our family history.

And I really kind of wanted to surprise my dad with a family tree of some sort.

That's what that was my, I guess impetus for taking the test in the first place.

That's why I took.

So I take the test at the time, it was just mitochondrial DNA.

So I only saw my mom side and no surprises.

It was African ancestry.

And I just kind of was like okay fine, whatever.

And then three years later in 2013, I was up late one night with my youngest son.

My middle child and he was like 2 months old.

I was browsing online.

My husband was still at work because he worked late and I saw an article that reference 23andMe and issues they were having with the FDA and I thought, oh yeah, I forgot about that.

That ancestry test.

I took a couple of years ago and I hadn't logged into my account and a really long time.

So I log back in and when it came up, the first thing I saw was the I guess it's a pie chart and it had half pink, half blue, so half African ancestry and then half European ancestry.

Hmm.

That is not who I thought that I was I am black.

I was raised with a black mother and father.

I love my family that I was aware of it.

No, of our are black.

It's so far.

As I knew I was just a black woman and that was a huge shock.

Because basically, I learned in one, Fell Swoop that, my father was not my biological father, and I also learned that I am technically biracial.

So,

wow.

And did you ever have any suspicion that you could have been biracial?

Allure that your father was not your biological father, you know,

you know, they always say like, hindsight is 20/20, right?

So growing up, I knew that I looked different from the rest of my family, but we are a family of people who are different shades.

Different features.

Like that wasn't really a red flag for me and I actually kind of looked a lot, like my maternal.

I'm sorry, my paternal grandmother.

Anytime people Would question me, which was the only time I kind of wondered, like, why is everyone asking me what I am?

Why is everybody questioning whether or not?

I'm actually black lot of people, you know, people walk up in the grocery store and start speaking Spanish to me and I'm like, we're like, I just, I would have these moments before I found out throughout my life where I guess everybody else around me knew or had some kind of inkling that there was more to my story.

I didn't necessarily Sara Lee.

No, I didn't necessarily have any idea.

Although there was one time in college that sticks out in my mind, I was in line and the cafeteria and there was a basketball player who was biracial, who came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

And he goes, hey, you're just like me.

And then there was another guy beside him, who was also a biracial and he looks and he goes, yeah, she's just like us and I was like, I'm not athletic.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't have an athletic on my body.

And so on and he's just looking at me like you don't understand what I'm saying, he goes your mix like us, right?

And I said no why would you think that he's looking at me wide-eyed you know, have you looked in the mirror lately but I was at this point carrying around pictures of my family in my wallet.

So that gives you an idea of how often I was getting this question of, what are you what are you?

What are you?

And I pulled out pictures of my family and the guy looked at me and said are you sure?

Wow, just really questioning.

Yeah, yes, I

said the nerve of you first of all because you don't know me, Ryan, you know, I'm kind of mad.

So after I leave the cafeteria, I'd go on the walk back to my dorm.

I called my mom and I was like, mama, you know, this just happened.

This guy keeps asking me, you know, I keep saying your mix like us, your mix like us and are you sure that's your family.

Are you sure this and that Mom goes, well, I don't know what he's talking about, but Your dad, your dad and there's no other possibilities and, you know, she just kind of did away with any doubts.

I have.

And that was it.

That was when I was 18.

I believe think that was my freshman year of college.

And so, you know, we're what almost what 19 20 years later but I was it was ten years later that I found out.

I was 28 when I found out and I think about that moment a lot too, because I feel like she could have taken that, is her opportunity to tell me the truth?

Yeah.

Instead of finding out the way that I do.

Did ya?

Okay, so you find out through the test, what are your initial feelings and, and reaction

complete shock.

Of course, that's what we all kind of feel, I guess.

But disbelief, when my husband came home, he's a, he's a, he's got a medical background and microbiology, biology major, I had him.

Look at it because even though I kind of already knew just from what I was looking at.

So, can you look at the chromosome breakdown?

Please?

Can you look at it is there?

Possibility, that, you know, my dad has more European ancestry than we realize, like I had all of these.

I hope I hope this is not the case, kind of things rolling around in my head and he looks at me, and he just says it Point Blank.

He's like, I'm sorry, but there's no way your dad could be your dad and him kind of just laying it out there.

Like that.

I was crushed, like, I just felt completely crushed.

I felt lost.

I felt like I had no idea who I was after that.

For a long time, you know, I'd look in the mirror and it was just like, I don't even know who I'm looking at anymore.

I don't recognize this person.

I don't know if I can trust myself anymore because how could I miss something so obvious to everyone else and you know me living in my body and living my life.

I didn't even figure it out.

You know, on my own I had to be bashed over the head with it through a DNA test so yeah, it was huge.

Complete and total devastation.

I guess you could say,

yeah, what did you decide to do after that?

Did you?

Confront your mom?

Oh yes,

I absolutely confirmed a, I guess a bit of backstory to with me is my dad primarily raised my sister and I have an older sister.

Who is also not his biological daughter, but he was aware We're of that.

He raised us after my parents divorced, and I would see my mother kind of off and on holiday Summers, things like that.

My relationship with my mother was always a little rocky to begin with for other reasons, but this kind of was that that thing that it was going to make or break us.

You know, I'd had moments of feeling.

Like I don't know if I can trust her.

Can I trust her?

And then this happened and I Call her.

And of course, I'm curious because I feel like for one, I shouldn't have had to find out that way for two.

By this time, I had already had two children.

My first birth was very, very I guess you could say, like, traumatic in a way, like, I blow it out, she was there, she witnessed all this, she never said a word, you know, those things where we're playing in my mind, as I'm asking her.

Like why didn't you tell me you need to tell me at first, he denied, it still She denied it, I hung up the phone with her and I called my sister told her everything.

My sister is like, and this is kind of awful to say, but I guess.

But she's like, like, what do you expect?

It's our mom, like are you really surprised she lied to you?

Like that was, that was kind of her.

Like, I'm sorry, but I'm not surprised, you know, when it was clear to my mom, that like, I wasn't going to speak to her until she came with some serious answers.

She finally calls back and says, okay, I'll give you a name.

So she gives me his Name.

And I turned into a private detective and I got online, and I eventually located him and to my surprise, he was like, I've been waiting for you to contact me.

Oh, and that was like me.

I'm like, excuse me.

You've been waiting for me to contact.

You, are you crazy?

But that was his response and he's just like, oh yeah, I've known about you for this amount of time and the whole Thing is quite a huge missed because he was still a Potter of part of my mother's life long after my parents were together.

So imagine 18 years of my life, they were still in contact with each other but I had no idea about this person about this, man.

It was just a shock all around.

Oh my goodness.

So your mom, she kind of sounds like she kind of invalidated your initial concern.

Bring it to her and then and then she gives you a name.

Does she provide any other

background?

She gave me just enough.

She told me like, the name of his business because he, he's, he was a business owner and she told me that I'm at the business, which helped me actually narrow down how to find him and I did that.

But as far as like the details of their relationship and how I came to be, they both gave such different stories.

I still to this day, I'm not completely Lately, sure, who to believe you?

No one says they were in love.

The other was like, you know, it really wasn't in love.

We were just kind of hanging out having fun, and I don't try to get answers from either one of them anymore, you know, is it stupid to try to do that?

So, what did he say?

He said that they knew each other.

I think from work.

Yeah, from work.

And that he was in love with her which I tend to believe because Frankly, if I do reach out to him, which is not often a chance to ask about her, like, that's the go-to is, I would love to see her.

How is she like that kind of thing, but he says he told her that she couldn't possibly be pregnant by him because he'd had a vasectomy years, prior mmm.

Now, my mom says she doesn't remember that that his him telling her that, but he says that later on When he got married, he actually went to the doctor for a reversal and found out that the vasectomy had partially healed.

Okay and in that moment he claims that he realize oh no you know my mom was telling the truth and I was most likely his biological child and he said that he came looking for her.

I think I would have been around three, two or three at the time he came looking for About this time.

She'd already married.

My dad, you know, nothing ever came of him looking for her.

I think he left a note with her job, something like that.

And I'm assuming at that point, they talked about me.

He says that he saw pictures of me but this was all again, stuff that I was completely unaware of.

He said that they would still see each other during this whole time, but I just don't know II.

Don't know how he knew.

Knew about me pretty much my entire life and she was going to see him and showed him pictures of me and then she would come back home to us and my dad's.

So the whole thing is kind of yeah I'm a sick little bit, you

know?

Yeah yeah.

He tells you.

I've been waiting for you.

What was that was true.

What was the rest of the conversation?

Like He's a talker very good with words.

So Katie told me about himself about, you know, he's, he's older not significantly older than my mom, but he think he's like at least ten plus years, older, or close to it.

So, he told me about like his childhood, his teenagers called, she kind of went through a brief summary of his life, told me about himself, his current, his family at the time, he told me about them. talked about music because we like some of the same kind of music and that was pretty much it, like, he didn't really say, hey I want to meet you, any of that it was just Hey, glad you reached out and we'll be in touch.

Like it was.

I definitely didn't feel like what you would expect a person who's supposed to be your like biological parent would say.

It was more like just an acquaintance you met on the street and I don't know it was it was very weird, very

weird.

Did he go on to have other

children?

Oh yeah.

Yeah, he did.

He did there are technically two more biological and one that he adopted through marriage

and do any of them know about you,

they do now because this is the part of the story.

That's probably very uncomfortable for people to hear, but my biological father.

Which is the main reason why we don't really speak anymore and we stopped speaking long time ago for a while.

He's

racist.

Mmm.

It's not funny that was trauma, left or right.

But yeah, he would post things online and I would see these things and I'm thinking, you know, what is wrong with you?

First of all, just really horrible racist, things about black people and so, One of these particular instances where I called my mom upset and I was like he's he's saying all this stuff, he's posting, all these horrible things online, comparing black people to monkeys and I can see these things.

He doesn't know that I can, but I can see that and I called my mom and I'm furious and I'm like, I just don't understand why him, you know, why would you choose somebody like that?

And she just, I guess thought that it was her way to kind of, I don't know what she was thinking but in that that moment that day, she decided to message his well now ex-wife and basically told her everything Okay, and she didn't know about me, the kids didn't know about me, and I talked to a couple of them, the youngest in particular, I got to kind of talk through text messages once and then the other one never responded.

And then the one who was adopted by, you know, through marriage.

He was, he was really welcoming at first.

But then, unfortunately, a year later, the youngest brother.

I passed away very suddenly, I don't know, if just the stress of everything they already had going on in their lives because of their father.

And then, here I come, they learn about like this big secret that he kept from them, because he'd known about me, you know, for a long time

since 2013.

So, when is it that they learned about you?

Oh, this was just 2020.

This was only two

years ago.

Okay, so he kept it a secret for seven years and then

Mom and then my mom was like, fine.

You want to be racist.

I'm going to tell your family about her and I'm like, this was your solution.

That is not what I wanted you to do.

And that's definitely not how I wanted to come out.

And my mind, I always thought like I would handle it

myself.

I

really regret what calling her and been bitching about how he how he is in his views.

Because I don't know.

I don't know if they'll ever have a relationship with me and I can respect that.

But I would have been a good big sister.

I really would have liked I hate that, you know, none of us really got a chance to know each other but I really didn't get a chance to know the brother who's no longer here and all of it is, you know, it's unfair but such is

life.

So his wife ended up divorcing him after that came

out.

Well, no, not necessarily because of that, they were already in the process.

Like there was already, there are already things, a lot of other things going on that I think that was just kind of like, oh great, there's more.

So you grew up with an older Sister.

So when my mom and dad met he actually adopted her when they got married, he had her name changed.

That was his way of.

She's my daughter, he would always say like he saw her, you know, little toddler and he just thought she was the cutest little thing and he saw my mom but like he really happy.

My people of my big sister and so he would he would take her to get ice cream.

Umm, spoil her, and he just really loved her.

And that was a big part of.

I think why he married my mom also, because he just wanted to protect my sister.

So, okay, so speaking of your dad, I was going to say, did, did you tell him I

did?

And I hope I can get through this part of the story without crying because this is the hardest part.

It's okay cry.

That's alright.

We can find.

Yeah, but my I don't know if I can clearly paint a picture of how close we were and if you catch me saying were is because he's not here anymore but I did tell him I found out in November of 2013, I had my son in late September and so we didn't live in my hometown at the time and I didn't want to tell him over the phone.

I knew I had to tell him in person.

So I told my husband I'm like, well, go down and January, let him spend some time with the kids and by this time, my dad remarried when I was like 13.

So I did have a step-sister that I grew up with in the house also that were very close and then I have older step-siblings.

So we go home, let my dad and my stepmom spent time with the kids and when it was just me and my dad in the room I said, Daddy have something I need to tell you and Just to pay to picture.

My dad was the dad that like sat in the same recliner for who I could 35 years.

Like he's had this.

So he kind of leaned up, he leaned up and he sat on the edge of the recliner because I think he could just sense that something was seriously wrong and he's like, what's wrong?

And I don't think I got like, even three words out before I started crying.

And I told him, you know, that I'd taken a DNA test and It came back that he wasn't my biological father.

I just remember his face was kind of Frozen in this look of like complete disbelief.

Like I could see him trying to process it.

And in scream or yell or cry in front of me.

But I could almost see like the light kind of drying out of his eyes and he got up and he left the house.

I don't know what he did.

He went for a drive but I don't know what he did when he was in his car.

I don't know if he's screamed her skills, I'm not sure.

But when he came back, he was calm.

And he just kept saying, I don't want you to be upset, I don't want you to cry.

You know, I'll always love you, you'll always be my baby girl.

No matter what, don't worry, just kind of kept reassuring me that everything was going to be okay.

And all he kept saying was, I just don't want you to cry.

I don't want you to be hurt and and that's how he was, you know, he didn't, he didn't want me or my sister to be hurt by some of the things that we experience growing up.

And it was just a really hard moment.

I felt like I had to break his heart.

Like, I felt like I didn't have a choice.

I couldn't lie to him, but I knew that the truth is going to break his heart.

Oh

yeah.

Did he express any?

Thoughts our feelings about what happened?

Did he ever talk to your mom?

I can't repeat those words.

Are you ready to talk to my mom?

We talked to her.

Oh yeah, I can't repeat what he said, seriously.

But, um, yeah, he did.

And, you know, afterward, whenever I would visit, he would have these moments where he would just, like, stare off into space.

And he would just randomly say, oh I remember that time.

So, and so came up to me and said, you know, are you sure are?

You sure she's yours or like little strange like every now and again, somebody would say something that would make him think like, where did that come from?

But then he would just kind of brush it off.

Like, oh no, she's definitely mine!

You know, she looks like my mom just brush it off, brush it off, brush it off.

And we talked about that a lot.

We talked about the little Clues along the way, for both of us that could have maybe saved us from Finding out so late in life.

I don't know what that would have done for either of us.

It would still have been horrible, but I think both of us, kind of felt embarrassed a little and just angry.

We both felt like we've been fooled and tricked.

And you have to understand by this point.

My dad was past the point, really remain.

A man can have children very late in life.

He was really past the point of having any biological children at this point, because he'd assumed that.

I I was his biological child my whole entire life.

So, you know, yeah, knowing he was robbed of that on top of everything, and it took me a long time to tell him who the man was that my mom was with at the same time and he didn't really know, you know, he kept kind of trying to figure out who was this person.

What were they like?

And and he never could register, like, had he known the person or anything like that, which was a good thing.

I mean he was furious with my Furious, with my mom's family, just a lot of anger.

My dad was not the same after that, he wasn't the same.

Not when it came to me or the kids are my sister, anything like that, but I definitely saw him kind of fall into a bit of a depression and he would often tell me that he had nightmares about it.

And then all of my 30, some odd years of knowing my dad, he never told me about having nightmares.

This was like he was a marine, he was like a bit, you know that That that kind of I'm a big macho, man.

He had kind of like guy and when he told me, he was having nightmares, you know, I hadn't even know what to say.

Wow, there was a bit of a bond at least by the fact that we had both been hurt by this Choice, my mom made and I do think it helped us kind of open up a little bit more with each other.

Based on what you said.

There's no relationship with your biological father, is that

correct?

I'm pretty much like, I could email him and be like, hey, how you doing?

I could I could email and say, how are you, how are your kids, or something like that.

And he would answer, but as far as like a functional relationship, absolutely not and I don't want one.

So has he owned up to his racist views?

Oh no.

No, absolutely not.

He actually got really angry with me.

That I told my mom that I didn't want to deal with him because of that that I didn't feel safe ever introducing my children to him because of that.

And you know, argue with me about whether or not he actually was racist or held racist views and, you know, at one point early on when we started talking and I think I was kind of describing my experience in my body, in my skin looking the way that I look and how there were moments throughout my life, I was kind of trying to explain my point point of view to him what it's been like for me growing up, you know, in the black community and sometimes being questioned about my identity and there was

a moment where I was like, you know, I love being a black woman.

I'm proud to be a black woman, like I don't have any issue with my blackness and his response was why would anyone ever think you were black?

Why would you call yourself a black woman?

Wow, and I was ready to fight him.

Like I'm not I'm not even going to lie.

I was so mad.

I was just so, like, I've known you for all of 2.5 seconds and you have the nerve to tell me that I don't have the right to identify the winner identify.

Simply.

Because now you're in the picture like that made no sense to me.

How has this affected your identity?

Oh gosh.

Do we have another hour and a half?

No, I I don't know if I can even really put into words how this has affected my identity.

I have absolutely had an identity crisis.

That is 100% for sure.

I had been to therapy multiple times.

I'm currently in therapy once again because of my identity.

Issues.

And, you know, it really doesn't stem from the fact that, oh, I feel like I'm no longer a black woman.

I don't feel that way.

I just want to make sure that I am not perpetuating, any more lives, if that makes sense.

I don't want to be dishonest with people if they do ask.

Well, what's your background?

What's your ethnicity to just say I'm black knowing that I have a white biological parent.

Doesn't seem 100% honest, and I know people will make the Argument that to have one drop of black blood in.

You like that whole thing, I have the whole One Drop thing, that's kind of gone out the window for a lot of people.

And I just feel like it's more honest for me to say, well in short, I was not raised with any of my biological father's family or my biological father, so I identify as a black woman.

However, my biological father is white, so I am half and half.

I hope that answers your question person who has A business asking me that in the first place, that's kind of how it feels like I have to give this little brief, like, my family is dysfunctional.

Are you ready to hear my story?

Here you go.

And

that's what I, yeah, I mean, I identify so much like you just to validate what you're saying because I've also grown up being asked, you know, what I am, you know, my whole life and I think your situation is very interesting because You were raised like, your experience.

Your lived experience is as a black woman, right?

And up until pretty recently two-thirds or more of your life.

As far as, you know, your dad was black and your mom was black, right?

So, but I understand to the nuances and that you don't want to quote claim something that isn't 100% true, right?

You know, so much of it, depends on what other people's experiences of you are.

So there's probably some people that look at you and say that's a black woman and then there's other people particularly biracial people who will say that's a bi-racial woman that kind of thing.

Absolutely.

Um yeah there's so many layers to it.

Do you have any interest in learning more from anyone else on your biological father side have there been any other

Russians.

Unfortunately no, I'm not against connecting with anyone.

I mean him I'm probably going to avoid just because you get burned so many times.

You're just like, nah, I don't have time for that but I'm not necessarily like anti my biological father's side of the family.

I definitely would hope one day that I could, at least get to know my half Brothers, but I'm not going to force myself on her.

One, you know, I know from talking to my biological father about his family history that his own story is kind of broken and dysfunctional and that there's a whole side of his family that he doesn't talk to.

So I think the chances of like that actually happening are very slim and and I'm okay with that like my life is full enough.

I think that I will be okay.

If those connections don't ever happen.

But there are times when I feel like, you know, we've all been robbed like it, it definitely feels that way.

Like they were all robbed of the chance to have maybe a little more love, maybe a little more kindness Labs if we if we would have known each other.

So

Yeah, how are things currently with your

mom whoo-hoo?

Our relationship is probably the best as a band I can honestly say that.

We have had some knock-down drag-out fights over this and other things that have happened between us.

But I think that against a lot of the advice that I was given to cut her off, I work through my feelings towards her, I chose to forgive her.

I do still have moments where I'm like, I don't feel like I got the complete story, and I'm frustrated by that, but all in all, I've just tried to not lock.

Her from my life completely because I understand to like a lot of who she is.

As a person comes from her upbringing and sad, tried to have Grace, I guess when it comes to all of that and just let her know, you know, if she crosses a line that that's unacceptable.

I'm not going to put up with it, you know, before all this happened.

I was very much wanted to just kind of take it.

You know, if she said something, I Go just take it and keep my mouth shut and I'm not like that anymore.

This whole experience I won't say it's made me like a meaner person but I think I'm much more willing to like use my voice and say you know what?

All y'all cut the crap.

Stop lying to me.

I'm not going to take it anymore and I'm gonna catch more out to just say, I don't have time for your games.

I don't have time for people who are not going to shoot straight with me.

I've had enough of my life.

Lived being lied to and I don't have time for it anymore.

So I think that's a big part of it too.

So, yes.

As far as my mom, we're in a good place.

But other part of this is I am not the same person.

I was not even close.

How else do you feel like you've

changed?

Oh wow.

I think that I am not as trusting.

My dad would always tease me about my rose-colored glasses.

You know.

I would just generally assume the best about One can assume that nobody meant me any harm, which in a way is probably a good thing, but it also set me up to be hurt fight a lot, and I think after this, I'm more cautious not to the point where I like withhold love or kindness from people, but I'm definitely more alert and I'm paying closer attention to what people are saying and doing.

And I'm not giving, you know, fourth and fifth and six chances.

Like I used to

how has Has it affected your relationship with your husband and your

Oh, boy.

This is the part that's really hard.

You know, it's very difficult to go through something like this, while you're in a relationship and I think even harder while you're a parent because I didn't grow up in an environment where I always felt like, I could like freely express myself, it was just kind of a given that like, on either side of the family, you didn't ask questions.

Didn't ask the adults questions about anything pertaining to like your family history or why people acted the way they did.

Like there was just a lot of Secrets.

Anyway before this, trying to raise my kids in an environment where that's not the case.

While also kind of unpacking all of this and what it means for my identity and try not to be irritable all the time, try not to be angry, trying not to lash out on days when I just feel completely lost it, it's hard.

And I think that Honestly, laughter has saved me more than anything.

My kids are really funny.

At one of the most difficult points in all of this, around the time I lost my dad, he passed away a couple of years ago.

Two years ago, my oldest son, I could see him staring at me in the rearview mirror, and he just kept staring and staring.

I'm catching him looking and I'm like, what in the world, why do you keep looking at me weird?

And finally I say, you know, why are you looking at me?

Like that is, is everything okay?

And he goes, why are you white?

And it's like Excuse me.

He goes, we're all brown, but you're white.

Why are you white?

So I told him I actually told him the truth.

I was like, so here's the case.

Here's what actually happened and that is why my complexion is a little louder.

Because this thing happened, and this is a part of who I am and also part of who you are.

And it's been kind of like a running joke in my family ever spent like I do, Stand out.

I once again the lightest person in the room so you're

almost a decade into this 99 years.

Yes, what are some things?

Besides, your children being funny, kids are the best that have helped you heal and process,

definitely therapy the therapist that I see.

Now has been phenomenal with just With me, hold onto the parts of myself that I never should have doubted to begin with.

She's really kind of helped me go back in time and understand like this thing, did not change the core of why you loved who you were.

It didn't change.

The fact that you're proud to be black in your proud of, you know, your father and the lessons, he taught my friends.

Like they have been So supportive and my sister extremely supportive.

I think just having people around me who could reassure me, like you might not know who you are, but we do and we love you.

Like that was kind of that feeling of, we know you and we love you, even if you're still a little lost, like we're here, we got me through.

I think the fact that I had a family when I found out I think that really helped.

I think they gave me a reason to get up out of bed for a long

time.

Where would you say you are at this point in your journey

I am at the point of not being anybody's dirty little secret anymore.

That's where I'm at.

That's actually why I decided to submit my story because I realize I've been living most of my life like aware.

Well, not most of my life but the last almost 10 years now of my life with this secret that only the people who are close to me knew and I felt like, you know, even though this is such a huge part of my story, I can't tell.

People.

I can't, I can't risk people knowing this secret because I don't want to hurt anyone.

I don't want people to criticize, you know, people that I love.

I don't, I don't, I don't know.

I just had all these mixed feelings about how the world might fall apart.

If people knew when it was really just, you know, it's just, it was just fear fear of what.

I don't know if you're the unknown, I'm not sure.

But it's my story and I'm going to You know, nobody can stop me from doing that.

That's, that's not right.

That's how I see it.

I'm gonna, you know, I'm not going to tell parts to like, hurt people or anything, even with my biological father, because I know people might listen to this and be like G, she trashed him.

No, but I think I have the right to call out the things that he did do that were hurtful.

And you know, just not right as a human being things that he shouldn't have said and done as well as my mom.

You know the line for Both of them and then the comments that he made about black people.

yeah well it's just facts, you know?

It's the fact it is it just

fax.

It is what it is and I'm going to say it and if someone has a problem with it, I'm sorry for them.

But I'm not going to hide anymore.

What advice would you offer a parent?

Who is keeping a DNA surprise from their

child's?

Oh my goodness, please don't do that.

You just don't know the devastation you could cause I mean, you know, I know that there are some situations that are more difficult than others if there's like, you know, non-consensual consensual situations those I think are most difficult but I do hope that that anybody would tell the truth simply because your child deserves to know the truth.

You don't you don't want something to happen down the line.

Or they're just completely devastated and blindsided.

And then you're having to Grapple with how that changes their relationship with you because maybe now they don't trust you, you know, maybe the love that you had in the trust and the bond that you had is broken because of the lie, you told, if you just withhold that so it's never worth it.

I don't think maybe some people would say that they wish they never would have found out.

I just think it's best to be honest with the people.

You love, no matter how hard it is.

Because things have a way of coming to the light.

Yes,

you know, be it, medical history, the possibility that they might like date their half-brother and high school or something crazy.

Like you just don't want to take those chances.

And let's be honest, a lot of people not all but a lot of people they withhold the truth to protect themselves and I think at least in my mother's case that was part of the issue is she just didn't want to deal with the Fallout and I don't think that's fair.

You know, own up to what happened.

You owe that much to your children and the people, you know, involve.

What advice would you offer someone who just discovered that they're in

npe?

No boy, I have absolutely no idea.

I guess it's allow yourself to feel everything, feel angry, feel sad, feel confused, fill, whatever.

If you can find a room to go and Get a bat and break some glass in it.

Do that have people around you who genuinely?

Love you and are willing to listen to you if you're able to and I hope everyone one day, we'll be able to find a therapist.

I think it helps to have somebody not connected to you, sometimes two to kind of help you process but just just surround yourself with things that bring you comfort and love.

If it's music, if it's movies, if it's going for a run, like, don't don't stop doing those.

Things cuz it really helps to kind of have those bits of Joy coming into your life.

Everyday her else, she could really kind of fall into a dark hole, because I think we've all we've had those dark hole moments where you just wake up and you don't want to get out of bed and it's rough, you know.

Well, Robin, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today and sharing your story.

You've been going through it for a lot longer, I think, than most people.

So I really appreciate you providing some context for your journey and explaining where you started and where you are now and I hope that you find peace and continue to heal.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Thanks again to Robyn for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

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Until next time.