Bonnie’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

I'm victim in this entire situation, like, I wanted to know forever and it's I feel like it's kind of like all the adults in my life, kind of, I don't know.

It's all of their decisions that have led up to where we are at this point.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host.

Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

He's, this is DNA surprises, DNA, surprises are often Bittersweet the results.

We received via consumer DNA testing can lead to upset and confusion, but they can also answer long-held questions and lay the foundation for new relationships.

In this week's episode, Bonnie shares, how she always knew that she didn't know her father, but once she started searching, she Announcers.

She didn't expect her journey to identifying her biological.

Father includes many twists and turns she shares.

How she was able to track down her bio dad, with the support of a search Angel and how her Discovery has affected her relationship with her mother.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Bonnie,

my name is Bonnie and I'm 29 and well I was born in Perth, Australia.

But I grew up in New Zealand in New Zealand citizen, so, but I am living in Australia again.

So, but I'm from New Zealand from listening to a lot of the other stories.

I felt like Mom was in some ways different because I never knew who my biological father.

I always knew that I didn't know him and growing up my mum.

Like I didn't have any other father figure mum had lots of like mum had various boyfriends but essentially mom was a single mum and I just didn't know who I dad was.

So when I was little, I do remember having some times where there was one girl who made fun of me at school, because I didn't have a dad and I was a bit upset about it and Mom was like, no, you do have a dad.

Everyone has a dad.

You have to adapt a mom and a dad to make a baby.

So you have one.

And if anyone asks just say his name is Peter and she was like his name's.

Peter.

And that was that really

did you ask a lot of questions?

Like, were you curious about who your biological father was?

Yes.

I know.

I think it didn't come up too much.

I remember being like at school, like sometimes they'd be like, oh what's your mum and dad's name?

And you'd have to write down their names or whatever.

And I'd always feel a bit like really uncomfortable and I kind of just be like, oh Peter, I do Remember as a young child asking mum much about it, there was one boyfriend that she had long term.

There was one point where because mum encouraged me to like ask him if he was okay with me calling him dad on Father's Day.

So it was kind of like he was the closest to I wouldn't consider her father figure but he's probably mums longest boyfriend that she had and he was like yeah, sure.

And then on Father's Day I woke up and I was so excited because I Like never had anyone to say Happy Father's Day to.

I think I would have been like 7 or 8 and I ran out, I heard him get up in the morning to get up, I guess to go to the bathroom and he walked out into the hallway.

And I came running out of my bedroom.

I was like Happy Father's Day Dad and he was like, it's too early turned around and went into the bathroom so I know it.

Like it came up there were I know that it was something I thought about but overall not.

Too much.

That's just like a few points.

A few memories until I was about 15 or 16.

That's when it kind of kicked up a notch in terms of wanting to know about

him.

Hmm.

Did your mom ever give you

background about what

happened or who she thought he was or where he was at that

point?

I don't recall her ever giving much information except that that statement I think she said about him being sick like Sailing around the world, which is high, the.

But when I was about 15, seemingly out of the blue, my mom was like, oh, I actually have to tell you something, Peter might not be your dad, so I don't remember it as well.

If I knew this man, Peter could be the person or if it was just the name, you know, just of Brent like tell people that it's Peter, but I kind of always just thought.

Yeah, my dad's name is Peter but when I got to about 15.

She was like I have to tell you something, his name actually, might not be Peter.

There were actually a few different people who it could have been and that's when she kind of went into a little bit more about it.

So she was like, well I was actually dating this guy, my ex-boyfriend and his name was Steve and they had broken up about a month before I would have been conceived.

Well what she thought she broke up.

It was also her.

Birthday month.

And it happened to be this big Navy event happening in the city that she was living in,

which is in.

So they were like, lots of Navy people from, like, the Australian Navy, the US, Navy, all they're doing this big things, big Naval games, and it was a birthday month, and she just broken up with her boyfriend and she was 21.

So as you can imagine she went Wiles,

right?

Yeah, had a good time.

As like you do, there were actually four people who could have been, okay.

And she always excluded this guy Steve who was an ex-boyfriend because she thought the timing didn't match up, quite right.

And she was like, and I really didn't want it to be him.

I just really didn't want him to be your dad and I look a lot like my mum.

So it was really hard to tell.

When I was born, who I looked like, so she just worked it out.

Okay.

It can't be Steve.

So the before people, it could have also been another friend of hers, but he actually did a paternity test when I was a baby which I wasn't aware of and it came back negative.

And then the other man was actually African-American man from the US Navy, and she was like, and when you came out, like, mums Heritage mums background, is like, Scottish Irish?

Just like all the way back and I came out Ginger.

She just was like, I'm pretty sure you're most likely.

Not pot African-American.

So that left this mystery.

This Peter guy who she had had a fling with he was in the Australian Navy over a weekend or two while that was happening.

So but anyway she was like, oh my gosh.

I've realized.

Now you look just like Steve so once you became a teenager she

saw more of a resemblance there.

Yeah.

And she was like, I can't believe I didn't see it before.

Or he looks so much.

Like Steve here.

Even like your sense of humors like Steve's so many things.

She was like, Steve must be your dad.

It was meant to be a secret.

She wasn't meant to tell me.

She had, like being in cahoots with Steve's mother, so my alleged grandmother and my mum's mother, they actually came to visit, not Steve, but my potential grandmother came to visit me, which was like a five-hour drive with my grandmother under the Pretense that she was a friend of my grandmother's and she brought photos of her family and of her son, who was, you know, I wasn't meant to know who she was, but mum told me it was really weird.

And so that's when I started kind of thinking about it more and we're going to do a DNA test but it got really messy mama told Steve when I was a baby no she's not yours.

And so he knew of me just thought I wasn't his and he now had a family, two kids.

Ed's wife.

And once he found out that I could be his mum got a phone call from him.

He got kicked out of the house.

Apparently it was this big thing

even though it predated has his new

family.

Yeah, which I don't understand.

I feel like if my partner found out, you know, years down the line that he had a kid that he didn't know about, I feel like I'd be I'd want to be welcoming like it's not, it's not that kids fault.

I don't know.

And also for predated me was your mom when

she disclosed this to you.

What was her vibe?

Was it?

Matter of fact, was she embarrassed?

How is that

conversation?

I think she has a lot of shame.

I think she feels a lot of Shame around the whole situation.

She it was fairly matter.

Of fact, mom's quite a she's fairly Lee honest as a person most overall, like she we've we've got a lot of issues and stuff in our relationship but yeah, she was just like, I just didn't know, I thought, you know but she has story changes a little bit as well which is why it's kind of confusing so she's honest but I think she is almost like her memory is changes a little bit over time.

Hey,

okay, so so she discloses to you that she isn't 100% sure who you are.

Biological father is and then it might not be Peter, but it could be Steve when you're about 15 and you met his mother and that's kind of what started your curiosity.

But then due to family drama, you were never actually able to confirm no, not at that time.

So Mom actually called the whole thing off.

Because she was just like, whoa, because it he called her and there was like yelling on the phone and it was just moms quite a turbulent loud person, so she's never shy to have a fight with someone yelling.

Those like lots of yelling and all I was, I was just standing in the room while I could hear my mom yelling on the phone to someone and then she got a phone.

She's like no we're not doing it.

This is it like you don't really need to know, do you like you You know we have got lots of family who love you already and we're pretty sure it's Steve like you don't really need to know for sure do you like and I wasn't really something I could really argue with so no I know you love me and at that point I was 15 and the DNA test that they were going to do.

Mum completely was like no don't want to do it from then on I kind of just use like okay well I guess my dad's name is If and I knew he had kids and I was friends with his mother on Facebook for a couple years so he's like look at them and stuff on Facebook but I never had any contact with Steve and not really any contact with his mother until I was 18 and I moved away from home and went to University.

So I actually reached out to her then because I really wanted to have a relationship with that side of my family.

I've really felt like I've just Didn't know where I came from.

Like, obviously, I know my mom's side, but it's something.

I think I've always kind of just missed his not knowing, not just not knowing where I come from.

And those features on my face that don't quite match mums.

And, but I don't know where mums features end and this other person's featured again.

So I just wanted to know like, even if Steve didn't want to know me.

I was like, well, maybe I'll get to know my grandmother because she was really lovely and she wanted to be my grandmother.

We were in contact for a little while, but then she just stopped responding to me after a little while.

And I didn't understand why, because I was like, well, I thought she wanted to know me.

It was really upsetting.

It was really upsetting at the time.

I think I was like 18, 19 and I went back to Mom and I was like I don't understand why she's not messaging me anymore, and Mum, got in touch with her somehow and she told my mum that the reason why was because she didn't really want to build a relationship with me unless She knew for sure that I was her granddaughter.

And at this point, Steve didn't want to do a test anymore and so she was like I don't want to build a relationship unless I know that you're my biological granddaughter and and Steve doesn't want to do a test to know.

So like it wasn't really much to do so.

Yeah, it was 15 when I first found out and Mum called off the DNA test and then when I was an adult at 18, 19, I reached out And that's when they were like, no, we don't want to do one now and then so I was just like, okay, basically I are men.

I did so much stalking in the most like non-creepy way possible but pretty creepy.

I was like I really wanted to know about them because my nose is really different to mum.

So I'd like find pictures of them online, I'll be like is my nose like Steve's nose and my ears are different to moms and my ears his ears and I'd look at his kids and I wrote them Lots of letters because I was really angry as well that he knew that he probably had a daughter and didn't want to know any more.

And I was angry at mom, as well.

It just felt

unfair.

Yeah,

I just really wanted to know and I feel like I was talking about it with someone the other day.

Like, a lot of people just don't don't care to know what their biology is.

But I just always had this like Longing To

Know, hmm,

even if it was just like his brothers, like my own Wasn't stuff.

I was like, I just, I feel like I've got this whole side of me that I have no idea about, and his mother also had breast cancer when she was younger and had both of her breasts removed which was genetic.

So she even though she didn't want, like want to know me, she did actually, when I was about 21, I was going to get birth control.

And my doctor was like, I'll do you have breast cancer in the family?

Oh my God.

I think so actually.

So I reached out to her and she sent me her medical records, which was nice.

But that was the only contact I had until I was 24.

And then completely out of the blue, I got a message from his mother one day and was like, hi Bonnie Steve wants to do the test.

Now, will you do a DNA test?

So this is like nearly 10 years after I've, you know, first found out about him.

He wants to do this DNA test and of course I was like, Yes.

Yep.

Definitely.

I do want to do the test the whole thing took about a month and I got the results back and it was whatever the lowest percent chance.

Probably zero point zero.

Zero percent chance that he's my father.

Wow.

What was your reaction when you saw that?

Oh my gosh.

I was at work.

I don't know why I did this but I had put my work email as the email where they send the results to and so it popped up in my inbox and I share like a little office at the time with one other person and she knew the whole like what was happening.

I would been keeping updated with this whole story so it was like a reality TV show for her she was like, oh my gosh, we're going to find out, but I was like, maybe I shouldn't open it and she was like, no, you have to open it because otherwise you're not going to do any work all day.

So I clicked on it and opened it and as you know it was – And I just, I started welling up like my I started tearing up.

Yeah, I just couldn't believe.

Like, I could believe it.

I knew that it might not be him, but I'd kind of started like, will feel like, literally last 10 years I'd been like that.

This is most likely the person who's my dad, right?

And I'd spent obviously, like a long time, like looking at him and trying to find out as much information as I could almost feel like everything just went Went silent and I looked at my coworker and I was like, – and she's just like she saw me and she's like, are you okay?

And when I started like she just saw my eyes and she was like, go for a walk.

So I was like, okay and I grabbed my car keys and I walked out of the office to go for a walk because I just didn't know what to do.

I just felt so it was just like a rush of emotion.

Is everything just kind of just felt like, I couldn't believe it.

What did your mom say?

Oh, I actually didn't expect my mom to get the results right away, because she doesn't really use her emails and she had selected to get a post like it posted to her, but I guess they thought I was kind of relieved, but I guess they emailed her anyway.

And she happened to check her emails.

She called me not long after I'd left the office, I walked out for this walk and I actually just walked to my car and drove home.

And I didn't even, I don't even really remember drive home.

I just that I was at work, and then I was in my car and then I was at home and mom called, and she was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that it's not him.

I just really thought it was him.

And I just as I can't, I don't even like I can't even talk about it.

I can't talk to you right now because now I was like, oh my gosh, now it must be this Peter person and Ray Cruz.

Who's Peter?

Like, she didn't have any details about where he went because it was a fling,

you're not really so and at this point as well, mum really didn't like me telling people about, you know my story because she was like, think about me.

You're just thinking all about yourself like you're being really selfish, like, I don't want to do this anymore.

She's like, can we stop looking for him now?

Like I don't want to look for him anymore.

Not that she had actually ever put in any effort into finding Him.

That infuriated me as well because then she was like, oh well.

Oh yeah.

When I thought it could be Peter, I actually did go to the Navy office to get in touch with him, but they made me fill out paperwork and it was just like a lot of paperwork.

So I didn't do it.

I was like, wow.

So this is what you mean by kind of additional details came

out as yeah.

She's like all.

Yeah, it was just like a lot of, you know, it's a lot of paperwork to go through too.

Get in touch with them and I was just like and she didn't want to do it anymore either and she was like, why don't you think about my feelings?

This is, you know this is not just you, this is like my feelings too.

And one thing that breaks my heart, the one thing like I know that I know that my mum loves me and cares and she's a good person.

She is just so self-absorbed throughout this entire thing.

It's always been about, you know, her Feelings.

And I know that there's a lot of Shame there, but like everyone in my family has always known that.

I didn't know who my dad was no one really cares.

Like I don't care I don't judge that.

It's mainly just been how she's her choices and Behavior now as well.

Like it's not really changing and then yes she has all this extra detail came out and she's like oh well yeah I don't remember his last name anymore.

I remember he was in the Navy and their these Navy games happening.

But yet she She was like this is all too much to me.

I don't want to I don't want to find out and she said his last name sounded funny, which that was kind of like my only other clue.

So I was like it's Peter.

His last name sounds funny.

And he was in the Navy.

So you

go sometime without any real answers.

How did you learn about consumer DNA testing and did you decide to take it because you were hoping to find Peter.

I think it was a Great.

One of my family members recommended it and she had done it just because she's really interested in the family tree and genealogy.

I did my DNA in 2019.

So between to 2017 and 2019, I just had what mom had given me to go off.

So I was looking up, like, in Google just like Peter Australian, Navy, and navy games, and I did find.

I was looking through newspapers.

I found out all the ships.

We're in the port at the time, I knew every single ship that was there at these events.

I knew where they were going when they were decommissioned all this information.

But like also, I kind of had to take some of my stuff with a grain of salt.

Because, like, what, you know, one day I'll be like, oh, what about Sheila Army Adelaide sounds familiar.

And then she's like, oh, maybe this like this city sounds familiar, maybe he was from Tasmania.

Maybe it was from, like, maybe it was this shit, but she had no idea.

No idea.

She was like, so even though she didn't want to find him over the next couple years.

Like I would just send name, I would literally send names to her.

I look through Navy newspapers and any time I saw the name Peter but she's like, yeah, maybe it was double barrels like, you know, with a high it was like a hyphenated name or maybe it rhymed with something or just sounded funny.

So I just send her name's be like is it this name?

Like could it be this name?

No, no.

And yeah, just because Really, really disheartening like I just never felt like I was getting anywhere but I was doing so much research like hours and hours and hours of research.

And then in 2019 I decided to do my DNA in ancestry and 23andMe.

I did both at the same time because I was hoping to find some match, so that's why I decided to do it because I felt like I was at the end of what I could really get

29. 18, you take the test but you don't get any immediate results do match with any family from your bio dad side.

No clothes results.

So a little bit of background as well.

Intergenerational trauma mom doesn't know her dad.

So she knew of him, she knew his name, but she actually had a true and PE experience I think when she was like four or five.

So her mother got Pregnant with her, you know, I'm married.

So she quickly got married to another man and I think he knew that he wasn't her dad, but Mom didn't know when they later divorced when she was about four or five and she then didn't get to see a dad anymore and she didn't understand because, you know, why wasn't he coming to see her and my grandmother?

So her mom was like, well, he's actually not your dad.

Dad says other person really awful for mum when she was a little girl because she didn't understand But Nanny knew who he was.

So mum, had his name, knew a little bit about the family but then he also died quite young.

So she never got to know her dad, but with my DNA matches because I didn't know much about mums dads side and I had nothing about my dad's side, it was really hard to figure out except for mums, maternal side, who was on my father's side and who was mum's dad side.

But, you know, I had no one close except a cousin of mum.

Father in 2019, but yeah, this year.

So would have been about two two-and-a-half to three months ago.

I got really into looking again and I had I'd every few months basically over the last few years, I've intensely like researched and then kind of burnt out, because it's just been, is quite emotionally draining.

She got a message from mum.

Mom's dad's cousin the one that I matched with, right at the beginning.

And she was like, hey do you want to catch up and do a FaceTime and talk?

Like, we've never actually done that in the three years that I've been on the DNA website, so that kind of triggered me to start getting into it again.

And we talked and she gave me lots of information about mums, dads side.

I was able to build that side of my tree which helps separate all of my maternal matches and all of my paternal.

Is a basically that point I was able to kind of figure out who was on which side, but I still didn't have any close matches.

So, I put my DNA and I had already put my DNA into, like, Chad match and I hadn't really got anything there.

I uploaded on a whim, my DNA into my Heritage.

And I didn't, I didn't really expect to get anyone there.

I'd never heard of my Heritage before and I was like, well, I'm on the two.

Biggest databases.

How am I going to get anyone closer on like a smaller database?

Yeah, put my DNA file on there and then After a week of processing, I got a message it was like your DNA is done and I've logged in and I had a close match.

Well, the closest match and Ever Had which was about 465 centimorgans.

And I could tell pretty much right away, they weren't on mum's side and I was like, oh my gosh, this person must be and he wasn't, he was in his 70s like a 70 year old man 465 centimorgans.

And I was like, how is this person related to

me?

Yeah, did it.

Says, I haven't used my Heritage.

Does it show like what the estimate would be like, if it's an uncle, or grandfather

or yeah.

Yep, it does.

And I think it said, was it first cousin once removed?

But yeah, it was like, fairly close-ish we probably have to go back a couple like, only one to two generations to find out our shared ancestor.

So yeah, it says great uncle or first cousin, once removed to first cousin twice removed, okay?

Okay, and to put it into perspective as well.

My mum's first cousin on my mom's side shares, only 360, something centimorgans with me.

So I was like, this person's clothes more closely related than my mum's first cousin that I've obviously grown up with it.

Just kind of felt weird that I've got this like closer genetic match to someone.

I don't even know.

Yeah, yeah.

So I messaged him, it was managed by his wife and I still actually to this day haven't heard back.

I'll Google him and his first and last name.

And I Googled him, and he actually happened to be fairly high-profile.

We had a lot of information about him online.

He owns like this business, so I was able to find lots of information about him and I built his entire family tree trying to figure out how I was connected to him.

So I was going through obituary the obituaries and death notices and to try and find all of the living people to figure out where I connected in this.

Mystery and I did that pretty much any moment.

I had free for about two or three weeks.

I was just like I'm so close.

I must be able to figure this out but I couldn't.

I couldn't figure it out.

Mmm, it was really frustrating but I ended up going on DNA detectives the Facebook page and the down under one and asked for help.

And I was like, this is all the things I've done.

I've made leads charts.

I Done.

I feel like I know so much about genealogy and DNA.

Great.

Oh, I feel like pretty much everyone in this like npe Community knows just far more about DNA than anyone.

I felt like it made my brain like it's just, it was just so much for my brain and I just still couldn't wrap my head around it.

So I made this post and someone reached out to me and she was like hey I think I can probably help you with this.

I've actually found the father of someone she Was the product of a one-night stand in a pub.

So I think I could probably help.

So I gave her access to all of my matches and even gave him my login details to my Heritage because that was my closest match.

Was this all happened on a Sunday?

I gave her access on Sunday night and then Monday morning, I woke up and she had messaged me and she was like, what did you say his name was again?

It's like Peter, I think.

And she was like, yeah, I'm pretty.

So I found a guy.

So yeah.

Overnight in less than 12

hours.

When you found him and and saw who he might be, what did you think?

It was

very overwhelming.

It's been such a surreal time.

I was, I was a bit nervous because hey, so she'd already by the time she found him and I'd woken up and she messaged me, she had already found like his entire family on Facebook, and had links and She was like, yep, here's your grandfather.

He's still alive.

Here's your grandfather.

I think you look like him.

And here's your uncle's and here's your cousins and this is your dad and she's like I think I can see a family resemblance and you really could like I didn't look just like him, but instantly, I knew I was like, ah, yeah, okay, I can see a resemblance.

It was really, really surreal.

I couldn't.

I felt like, I couldn't believe it.

That, after all this time, finally found who this person was and kind of, you know, going off track thinking it's this other person and then now it's back to Peter from what we could see on his public page on Facebook.

It looked like it had a Navy career or a military like a military career, he really liked guns, very Pro guns, hunting and fishing, where his to like top likes on his Paige and I'm vegan.

And I've been like heavily, I've been heavily into like the animal rights stuff in the past and I was just like, oh my God, I all of his photos were like dead animals and I was like, oh my God.

That's why.

Yeah, that is a wild

experience.

It was really weird.

I just kind of like oh my God like how it just kind of felt just ironic really but he And it didn't seem super approachable from his public page.

I didn't know how I'd relate with him.

I felt really nervous but in terms of like looking at all of their faces and stuff.

I was like, wow I feel like this is my family.

What happened?

Next,

I sat on it for a day and my search Angel, who I feel like it's just an angel on Earth.

She's been so amazing.

She not only did she Find my father, but she effectively coached me through it, she kind of advocated for me and she also.

So she offered to reach out on my behalf to his family and we decided to reach out to one of his brothers because weren't really sure.

I don't know, just kind of felt like a bit scary going to this person who we didn't really know what he was like, and he kind of seemed a bit rough around the edges.

We thought, maybe it Better coming from another family member.

So we picked the person who we thought would be.

Like the most we were looking through them.

We like, oh well this brother is but like a family.

He seems like the family guy and he also lives kind of close by.

From what we can see, they had a lot of public information actually on their face.

It's just such a weird situation.

How do you contact your family that you've never known for the first time?

Yeah, it's got to be a sharp because he had no idea.

So, we picked his brother one of his brother.

Others my search Angel, reached out to them and explain the situation and then apparently he was a bit skeptical at first but once she explained it in with the little bit of background that we had, on this person who was supposedly my father, it matched up with what he knew and she also sent a photo of me and apparently he was like she's got the same hair as our mother, so that was kind of like the thing that stood out to him.

And that my hair

was the same as their mothers, which is really nice.

Yeah, he spoke with his brother.

A few days later, my father a few days later.

He reached out to me.

So he found out a few days after he messaged me and was like, hi on Facebook with like the waving Emoji.

Hmm, I really happy to hear about you.

Maybe he's been lovely and he called me and we had this conversation and Yeah, he was shocked to say the least.

I'm really happy to find out about me and he wasn't, I don't think he really needed to much convincing once.

He had the information.

It seemed to match up with what he remembered.

Okay, it's all been really positive.

It's just been really, really overwhelming the last few weeks.

His entire family have reached out to me every like almost every single one of them.

Welcome.

Um, we love family and your family now too.

It's just kind of felt, it feels so surreal knowing.

Have you talked about meeting in person?

we've we've actually been talking about it this week.

He lives in another city in Australia, and I've been talking to him about maybe flying up to meet him, and he's really interested in that as well.

It's been a little bit awkward.

Like we don't really know what to talk about but it's been and that's what the search, the Search angel can.

Yeah, she right at the beginning, she was like just treat it.

Like you're dating.

Someone like you just but you don't always like your family, right?

So she was like, just keep it light talk about easy things to start off with.

So I've been taking her advice and we just talked about lots of just random things but it's a little bit awkward but it's – like he's he was so happy to find out and he actually had this really weird.

So he works in a mine and the day that he found out about me.

So before he'd found out, he was down a kilometer.

Deep in a nickel, mine operating a machine that he should operate remotely for safety reasons.

And he was operating, it manually, which was like against the rules.

You're not allowed to do that, but he did.

Anyway, and the reason why is because it brings And I can bring down lots of rock, and that's what happened.

And it, he had essentially, like this near-death experience, he was totally okay, but it was really closer, like, destroyed the machine from what I understand and he got up and then he got a phone call from his brother.

He was like, hey, do you know you've got a 28 year old daughter?

My goodness.

Wow,

so he had a really big day.

Have You learned anything about him or your family that has made things kind of make sense.

I know you talked about like your hair but you also said that he's like a hunter gun enthusiast in your vegan Noah, has there been have there?

Been any connections

they have been connection so that despite being a hunter and all of that, they're all from what I from what I've taught them all about.

They're all really big animal lovers all grown up.

Lots of animals, I've always liked being like big, animal lover, myself, I always wanted to be a vet, that's one area where we've connected a lot like, particularly like animals.

Just he's always talking about the bird.

He knows a lot about birds, he seems to the snow.

A lot of fun like interesting facts, which is one of my, like, all of my friends, always make fun of me and my boyfriend all the time that my famous last words are just like, did you know?

Because I'm always like we did, you know, in this thing and he's just like pulling.

Yeah, he's full of those things.

Like, Like basically, that's because we don't really want to talk about.

He's just like telling me all these fun facts and every day he messages me every single day without fail, since found out about me.

Hi.

Are you having a good day?

Hope you're having a good day like every day.

He'll send me a message.

Oh, that's awesome.

So it's awkward but it's good.

Does your mom know?

And how's that going?

Not great.

Oh, really, okay?

No.

That actually was kind of like my mom has a turbulent relationship with a lot of people and I feel like that's something that I've noticed in a lot of the stories that I've been listening to on here.

Not all of them but almost like narcissistic type traits lot of people kind of just yeah so she basically I told her we've not had a close relationship over the last few years anyway but I knew she'd want to know and I wanted to tell my mum, you know, I was real excited.

So the fit the very day that I found out about Peter.

I actually called my brother, he's 14.

So he still lives at home with mum and I knew that if he knows mum know so I told him and he was like, oh my God, Mom Mom, Bonnie found her dad Dad, I'm like yelling at.

He was so excited.

So I told mum and my brother and She was like like really happy but mum, she loves to insert herself into situations.

So I was a bit nervous that she might contact him and it by this point, he didn't know yet.

And,

and so, I was like to man was like, oh, like, this is name because she was like, who is it, what?

I my gosh like, and she was already by like, why we're on the phone?

I could like, she was like, stalking him on Facebook or ready.

Mmm.

And I was like, oh, like cannot make sure you Just don't contact them or anything yet.

Like I'm just really, like, I'm just sitting on it for a bit and I don't know what to do yet and she got so offended that I'd even suggest that she would do that angry at me that I don't even say, you know, ask her not to because, why would she do that?

She's never interfered in my life and I just had to reiterate.

No, it's not.

I don't mean anything by it.

I just, I don't want anyone to contact them yet.

I'm just Accessing still.

But I felt a bit nervous all week that week because mum does interfere.

And I assume as I told my boyfriend when I got home, that I told mum.

He was like, why did you tell her?

I was like, well, she's my mom and I wanted to share with her and you should be happy.

I was like, well, okay, it's like she, she won't interfere.

Surely, like, this thing is so important that she wouldn't, but all week.

I was a bit nervous and I had found out that at Peter's brother was going to tell him on Friday when he got home from the

mines.

Mmm,

so mum knew he was finding out on Friday and all side found out a little bit of information that from his family that he had actually had a long Navy, and my Army Career.

The like look, we think he's got PTSD.

And like, we don't know how he lacked.

He'll react, he might be like, just not believe it and think it's a scam and They just really wanted to understand exactly everything.

So they could explain it to him, and they weren't sure about it, so they wanted him to find out from them.

And that's what we wanted as well.

So, I was like perfect.

And if he decides to contact me, he can contact me also.

Like, I'm nearly, you know, in my thirties.

It's not like a teenager could need him Dad, if that makes sense.

So, as the week went on, and I'm used finding out on Friday and then I found out this information, I decided to reiterate to Mum Not too because I was keeping you in the loop with what was happening.

She really wanted to know everything so I was keeping her in the loop with some things with what was happening and I let her know about what I'd learned and I was like, so we're letting them contact us like, Peter can contact me.

Like, please don't like we have agreed that.

We're not going to contact him like not contact him.

Yeah that's a great idea.

Good, good good, all agreed.

And then on the fried when Peter called me, right?

The bat, he's like, your mom messaged me yesterday.

I was, yeah.

So I filed that away because I, this is my first phone call with my father, and I was like, right?

Okay, yeah.

I was really angry because, yeah, luckily and I hadn't told my mom, this because I actually started getting nervous.

His brother had actually told him a day early earlier than expected.

So, we Thought he was gonna find out on Friday, but he actually told him on Thursday morning and it was Thursday evening that Mum messaged him, but she had no idea that he knew.

This was how long ago was

this?

Just over a month ago about a month ago now almost today.

It's still

pretty fresh.

Are you in her really speaking

or know?

I know, and because she wouldn't take she wouldn't even Really acknowledge it.

So weirdly mum, because Mom and I haven't had this, like, close.

We used to be so close when I was younger, but we haven't had a really close relationship, the type of relationship with you ask like, oh, what are you up to like, that sort of stuff?

We have, not really been talking much in the last year, at least, except when I talk to my brother because mums, obviously around.

And, but we don't like reach out to each other.

And while I was on the phone, call with Peter.

For the first time, I got a Message from.

Um so when I got off the phone, I had a message from her just about our hi.

How you going?

Like I'm doing some gardening just like shit chatty message.

Like I'd love to catch up like we should do a call and I just found out this information that she had after being told twice not to contact.

Him contacted him directly behind my back.

I was like, I was like, I really do want to share with you and talk, but right now, I'm really angry and I've just Like I know that what's happened.

I've just Peter just told me and I need space.

I can't talk right now and she, then set this, big, long message, kind of like explaining why she did.

And I was like, I don't, I don't even want to know the explanation.

Like, I just want acknowledgement and an apology really, because like it was just so, so, like her,

what do you hope for with your bio Dad?

Do you have any hopes Or expectations about the relationship.

Well,

firstly, I guess I just wanted to like stop being awkward.

Yeah, it's like it's good.

It's not like a negative thing.

It's such a weird situation where neither of us really know that that's kind of the biggest thing.

And I really want to know, like my other family members, they've all been so lovely and reached out my grandfather.

He's still alive, he's like 85.

And I'd like to get to know him because obviously, like he's obviously See later on in life.

But like I went into it with expectations that probably like, maybe I will get nothing out of this.

Like, at least I'll know.

Yeah, just finding out the first few days, especially I just felt like this overwhelming sense of Peace just kind of just knowing and they sent me photos of my grandmother and I look so much.

Like her really weird like makes sense but it's weird at the same time just seeing this person.

Person that I look a lot like,

yeah.

Well that's good.

I'm so glad that that that's brought you some peace.

What advice would you offer?

A parent who might be keeping a DNA surprise from their child?

I know that your story is not an NP e story, exactly, but your mother did keep a secret from you.

You know for a while that she did she wasn't sure who your bio father was being honest and finding out like as much as you can like write their name down.

I got and I like that's been the biggest thing just like

She knew the name, she even wrote him letters and burnt them.

And mom told me when she had me.

She thought that, you know, her love would be enough, which that breaks my heart.

Because like, I know that my mom loves me very much.

And but I just not knowing, has just been so it makes you, I don't know.

I just, I just knowing I think knowing is just really important.

And as much as possible, just Being

honest, what advice would you give someone who is searching or their bio dad and doesn't really know who they

are?

Change the spreadsheet.

I actually found keep a spreadsheet of everything that you've searched for.

Because when you're looking through all these different people, you start seeing names and you search different names and it's just so hard to keep track of where everyone connects and I actually found when I This guy's last name.

It sounded so familiar and I searched in my mum's messages that I'd Center and before, I'd even done my DNA test, I'd actually sent her that name and asked if it could be him and she was like no it doesn't ring a bell but if I had had that I would have been able to find it easier I think.

Yeah keeping spreadsheet and just taking breaks because I know at least for me I felt really burned out a lot of the time and I probably could have taken some time.

I'm off work when I found him actually because although it's been really positive.

It just brings up so much because there's so much behind.

It's not just the act of like finding out who your father is.

It is the entire kind of like your entire life beforehand.

So I feel like I've been like processing everything and yeah, just give yourself time and compassion as well.

Like I've kind of just I don't think I really had an option.

I felt like my body is just made me take it easy over the last few weeks.

So I've been pretty much useless at work.

That's a lot.

That's a lot to go through.

Well

Bonnie, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story.

I felt and heard so many similarities to an end PE experience.

DCP experience.

I think it's we're all interconnected.

Acted with the emotions and things that we go through on this journey.

So thank you for sharing and I hope that your relationship with your bio dad continues to grow.

Thank you.

Yeah, I hope so too.

Thanks again to Bonnie for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

And if you haven't yet, please rate review And subscribe to the podcast.

On Apple podcasts and Spotify until next time.