Annie’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

One thing I do know because my mom told me this like in the course of my life is that she was pregnant for almost six months before.

She told my dad, I kind of surmised growing up that it was because they only planned on two kids they just bought a house.

He worked in a factory.

You know they didn't have money.

She was a secretary you know so I thought it was more like how am I going to tell him that I'm going to have a baby.

What are we?

You know, we It's going to be a financial burden, kind of thing.

What is I think the reality was that my birth father, had shocking red hair and the faithful of freckles.

And she was worried that I was going to look like that.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis Ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who is experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This This is DNA surprises.

Have you ever wondered about the first two?

Npes who found out through commercial DNA tests, and this week's episode, any shares how she began her journey a decade ago?

She shares how she figured out who her father is, and how she's made connections with her Newfound family?

She also offers perspective on her mother's Choice.

Thank you for sharing your story, Annie.

My name is Annie, I'm 60 and I am from New York City.

I had been a member of ancestry for quite a long time.

Probably since before the year 2000 and in 2000 the Ellis Island records came online and my dad was a first-generation American.

His parents were from Naples so so I did a search of the of yellow silent records and I found a ship's manifest with his mother on it.

She was 10 years old and she came with her four sisters and their mother in 19.

I think it was 1908 1909 thereabouts and their father was already here in the US with his brothers.

So they I guess back, then they would the husband's would come and they set up and they'd Kind of send money back home and bring their families later on.

So, when I found her, I got really, really excited about that and really got into doing genealogy.

And I did, you know, ancestry actually made that very easy because a lot of the records were in their database already you off.

And on over the years I did my research and you know, added to my trees and in 2012 ancestry first, First introduced the at home DNA test, and what they did was contacted current members.

They said, we're going to be introducing these tests in the next few months.

Would you be interested in being like, one of the first to take a DNA test?

So I said well, yeah, for sure because I wasn't finding a lot of information on the Italian side, like the records and things like that.

And I just wanted I thought it would kind of connect me with Those roots.

So, in May of 2012, they sent me a test and I took it and about two months later, the results came back, and it showed that instead of being half, Irish and half Italian, it showed me as being basically 100% Irish.

My mom is Irish.

And, you know, that's, I didn't know how to read centimorgans and percentages and I didn't know what any of the self meant because they kind of just said Here's spitting this tube and we'll get back to you, right?

So I just kind of brushed it off and said, well, you know, I guess there's not that many people that cook the test yet and as most people take it, if it takes off then, I guess this will kind of work itself out and, you know, I just kind of continue on with my life and off and on, I'd go back to ancestry.

I cancel, I'd renew, you know, the subscription depending on where I was in research and Kind of an off-and-on hobby throughout that time.

So in 2015, I got a message from through ancestries messaging system, a woman named Shannon and Shannon's sent me a message and said, hi, you know, we're pretty close match on Ancestry and I can't seem to find you or fit you into my tree.

Do you have any idea how we might be related?

I can't say whether or not they changed the way that They would present the results, but I went in and I looked at my DNA matches, and I saw that she was a pretty high match around 300 centimorgans, and it said, second cousin.

So, I looked at, I went to her tree and she had this huge tree, like, 3,000 people in her tree and it looked pretty well, researched, and I looked through and I didn't see any familiar name, you know, II really kind of was focusing more names.

Than anything else.

So I wrote her back and I said, well, I said, I really have no idea.

You know, I don't know that much of my mom's family because I didn't grow up with them.

My mom had she had one sister and her sister had no kids.

They had cousins that we never really met and we never, I knew names but I didn't know them as my family, so I grew up with the Italian side of my family.

Amal.

And so I said to Shannon, I'm I'm sorry.

I really don't have any idea.

If I can figure it out at any point, I'll get back to you.

So that was the end of that and now I started looking closer at these matches.

And, you know, because a number of years, had gone by at this point, like three or four years.

I was looking through these matches and I was seeing names on my mom's side that New and I wasn't, I still wasn't Italian and I still wasn't seeing any Italian matches and that's when I first thought this something wrong here.

This is not, this isn't right.

As in three years, I should have gotten some Italian matches, you know, not necessarily some people with my last name.

But at least people from Italy and there were none and it's still set.

I was almost 100% Irish.

So I started to look a little closer around that time, maybe within a few months a year, my wife decided she was going to take a DNA test and she took her test and by mistakes you were ordered to test, but she took her test.

Her tests came back as a as she expected.

She was German, Irish Swedish, like all this mixture of Eastern and northern European.

Folks and she was matching people on both sides of her family.

So since we had an extra test, I called my sister.

And I said, you know, I took this test the results for not making sense to me.

Would you be willing to take a test if I sent it to you?

So she said that she was now my mom and dad were both long gone.

I really did have a brother, he died in 2006.

So way before I took any DNA test and none of us had any kids.

So my sister was really the only one that I could ask and she took the test and she came back, basically half Irish and half Italian so that kind of solidified for me that this is a problem and either there's something wrong with my test or there's something wrong with my Heritage.

So as a lot of people in our position, do I called ancestry?

And I was kind of, you know, pretty pretty annoyed.

Them that they would, they would take this.

Have me take this test that wasn't really accurate and they assured me that their test was, what almost 100% accurate that there wasn't a mistake.

I thought, well, if there's a mistake, what can you do for me?

Can you refund my money?

And you they said, well, we can't refund your money because that's basically a lab fee, but will give you a discount on your subscriptions?

So then I ordered it's 23andMe test and the results came back the same and it was Irish and all these people that I didn't know and I was kind of like this is I guess a needle in a haystack because there's nobody, I can ask and I don't know who any of these people are.

And I wasn't in a position at the time, emotionally or mentally to reach out to strangers to say, hey, I don't know who my dad is that you might died.

You know what I mean?

It you know you know.

I didn't know what to do, right?

I didn't know what to do.

I'm like my everybody in my mom's family is gone, you know, they nobody's there for me to even ask

and what was your sisters reaction because you basically found out then that you are, you know, not Italian as you believe I.

And also that your sister is not your

half-sister cracked.

So what was that?

Like,

hurry up.

I was intrigued more than anything, you know.

Neither one of us were particularly close with your parents if I guess it was.

I guess if I had to say it was more like unexpected in that all mother was not that way.

Like she was she walked.

No.

My sister is six years older than me.

My brother was 9 years older than me, and when I was born, she was a working mom with two Heads and it's like, you know, when did you have the time to do anything like this?

They had my parents had just bought a house probably a year and a half before I was born, you know.

So they were little, my dad worked in a factory.

It wasn't like they had no like social life.

Would they would you know, go out and you know she was on a bowling team that was about it and you know they didn't really do anything outside of just kind of being parents and you know trying to raise their Kids.

So it was more like finding it, hard to believe, simply because the circumstances didn't make sense.

Mmm.

So I kind of resigned myself to it, being a needle in a haystack.

And unless someone took a test that was close enough to me, like The Sibling or first cousin, you know, I can only sit and wait and hope that something would happen in someone would take a test, that could give me some answers.

I went on was, you know, Doing research and kind of like, I don't even know what to do with this information right now and there were really no Facebook groups like that.

At that point, you know, this was all very new to everybody couple of years go by, in 2017.

I finally get a hit that says first cousin sometimes.

Well, first cousin, here we go.

You know, this is someone, I can now maybe reach out to and get some information.

So the guy's name was Ed, And I sent out a message and I said, you know, this might sound funny.

I said, but I had some weird things in my DNA results and we come up as close match, you know, at this point I know more how to read the results and how to do my matches and separate them out.

And what does this number mean?

And what does that mean?

And I said, can you just can I just ask you?

Does your mom did your mom have any brothers?

So he immediately answered Back.

And we said, oh yeah, my mom had two brothers.

They were priests said, oh, you got to be kidding me, respecting.

No way, no way.

What was this?

This make it made it even more confusing than it than it was before.

So he said, you know what, he said my sister knows more about this than I do from.

Let me get in touch with her and we'll get back.

Back to you.

So few days went by and he had a small tree on Ancestry that basically consisted of his, his mom is aunts, and uncles, his parents and and other people like on the other side of the family, I felt looking at the information that I get from him and I and I see a name that kind of rang a bell, and I said, wait a minute, I know that name, that's it.

And then that contacted me two years ago on this guy as tree.

So I go over to Shannon's tree and I look at her tree and I see Ed well I don't see Ed because he's he's alive, but I see Ed's mother and that's and family on Shannon's tree.

So, email, add back when I said, hey, you know, do you know this woman Shannon and he says, oh yeah, yeah, we're second cousins.

Well what wait a minute.

So I look at their information and they don't match, they don't DNA match.

So why look closer.

And I realized that Ed's mother has a number of sisters.

And one of our mothers sisters married, Shannon's one of Shannon's, fathers brothers, so Advanced and Shannon's, Uncle will my grandparents when, yes.

So this kind of Fell into my lap in like less than a week in a matter of days.

My my grandparents were handed to me.

So my grandparents had five kids, two girls, and three boys.

So now I have three boys to figure out which one, which one is my dad.

So I start looking at all of them.

Two of the, two of the boys are our deceased, one is still alive and the two girls are still alive.

So I saw Being with Ed he says listen I'm going to be going my wife and I are retired and we're going to be going down to Florida.

So this was about I want to say that Tobar November of 2017.

So he said we go down to Florida in the winter and will be visiting with one of your grandparents daughter.

So the oldest daughter, my aunt was in Florida and Ed and his wife.

Be visiting.

He said, I'll see what I could do about kind of bringing this up, so maybe we can help you figure out which one is your birth father, fast forward, a few months and they go to Florida to visit, and I had given add a lot of information.

My mom worked here and she was on a bowling league.

This is where we lived.

This is where she worked.

He worked in New Jersey.

She worked here.

So Ed goes down to Florida, and he visits with my aunt, her name is Jackie.

They are at Jackie's house.

He couldn't bring it up with Jackie.

She's she just, she actually just turned 90 in November.

So she was about 86, 87 years old, shop is a sharp, as a tack.

You know, she wasn't like a doddering old lady but, you know, she stole an old and old Catholic lady.

Who didn't want to really hear about her brother.

So so as ended up telling her her daughter Kira, About me and tiara said well I'll see what I can do.

I'd like to talk to her.

Meaning me.

I'd like to talk to Annie and you know, kind of, you know, kind of get to know her a little bit but I'll definitely bring it up with my mom.

Now cure is adopted so I couldn't take it.

I couldn't ask her to take a test because it wouldn't help me but she did try to bring it.

Bring it up with her mom and her mom's first reaction was nope.

My brothers are gone.

I want to talk about it.

It's none of my business.

I don't want to talk about it.

She contacted me.

She said listen I'll get her to come around.

You know, will will help you however we can help you to figure out who this is because being adopted.

She knows what it's like to not know who you are, who your parents are.

Yeah, she could empathize.

Yeah,

right.

Totally.

I mean it wouldn't I couldn't have asked for a better person to be the Contact in the family, couple months later and is still in Florida, and it's Easter.

So, Ed and his wife go to Jackie's house for Easter.

And there was another guest at Jackie's house, someone named Emma and Emma was the daughter of one of the Three Sons.

So they get to talking and Ed's wife says to Emma.

Oh didn't you dad work at IBM and Emma says oh no, no my dad worked at Sinclair and Valentine and that's when my mom worked.

So that's how we figured out which of the three was my birth.

Father a few months after that another brother was definitely eliminated because one of his kids.

Okay, DNA test.

And if she came up as a first cousin, it kind of dropped into my lap and I was able to identify who he was, you know, an email to Ed, gave me an answer in a couple months and I wouldn't have been able to figure it out without Ed or Shannon's help.

Did you

get to connect with your sister, your half-sister?

Um, no, I have a sip.

Six siblings from my birth father.

And I in this period of time, I managed to find various DNA groups on Facebook that I joined.

And, you know, I didn't know really what to do at that point, they didn't mention me to Emma because it wasn't, you know, they didn't think it was really appropriate, and that's fine.

I didn't expect them to pay.

Hey, that's what it says.

You have another sister.

You know, that's better not really a good kind of way to handle that.

So so their mother is still alive.

My siblings mother is still alive.

Mmm, it took me a while II started crafting, a letter to my siblings, and it took a few months.

I've, I wouldn't believe it, but I edited my dad to what I take away from it, you know?

And, and I didn't know if I was ever going to send it and I didn't even know how to really reach any of them other than trying to go onto like a, you know, one of these background, check websites that look for people's addresses.

So, by now, I'm in a couple of different DNA, you know, like npe groups and I start speaking, you know, like kind of connecting with some people in the groups and having I need ups and all that stuff.

So someone in one of the group's was able to get a couple of addresses.

For me, I actually was doing research on my tree on the paternal tree because I made a whole separate tree just for that family.

And I was attaching photos because I was able to meet Shannon a few times and her sister and we became very close.

They helped me.

Me so much with family information.

They they had been doing this kind of stuff, even long before ancestry, like the old-fashioned way where you go to the library and look through Dusty books and

throw the whole grandparents.

Yeah.

Right, right.

And Shannon sister actually had a whole room in her house where everybody was on a Post-It note on a tree on the wall and that kind of thing, they had a lot of information and and just stuff that they knew.

So anyway, that's to back to the pictures.

I started adding photos to my to the people on the tree.

So I get a comments on one of the photos.

I had put it on the tree as a great grandfather, but it was actually a grandfather and somebody commented on the tree that it was an error.

And they didn't know who I was.

So I kind of took it as a sign that maybe it was time to finalize my letter.

So I wrote the person back and it turned out to be the wife of one of my brothers.

So was her account.

So it was under her name, but it was his, he was, she wrote me back.

She said, oh, that was my husband Mark.

He was working on his tree and he came across this photo and said I would say, thanks for correcting.

Ting it.

I'll I'll make that change, but I took that as a sign of, you know, maybe it's time to send the letter, so I was able to get marks address and he lives within two hours of where I live.

So I took the letter, I took pictures of myself over the course of My Life as a baby as a, you know, a child as a teenager recent photos and I included them.

And I got his address and I said iced him a letter.

I gave him my email address and I waited and about two weeks later, he responded by email and it was basically where we're very shocked.

I shared it with my siblings, we can content.

We can communicate by email.

He gave me a little bit of information on medical stuff of his own.

He said, Ed, my siblings aren't ready to share anything like that with you.

So if you want to get in touch with me, you can email me.

So like, well, it's not a complete shut door, but, you know, like they kind of just peeking through the blinds at this point.

You know?

Did you feel when you read that?

There was disappointment, but I wasn't really surprised.

And really, for a number of reasons, one being that their mother was alive.

And I made it clear in my letter.

I'm not looking to cause any disruption in anyone's family.

I'm not looking to insert myself, any place.

I'm certainly not looking to hurt anybody.

Especially your mother.

I don't, I wouldn't want her to find out.

I have no reason to even, you know, have her find out nothing like that.

I said, you know, rest assured.

I'm not looking for anything.

I'm not looking for anyone.

One.

I'm just looking at this point for information and if it can go further than that, then that's kind of gravy for me, you know, like putting it all on me.

You know, if you don't want to, I'm good with that.

If you do great though.

But I think another reason that they kind of hesitated, and I came to this conclusion in conversations with people in the family that my birth father.

Very highly regarded in the family and his kids have him up on a pedestal and when I showed up it really knocked him down, especially Emma, who was the oldest daughter.

The deal that he she's the oldest but I think another reason was that my closest brother is nine months older than me, almost to the day.

And my next closest brother is 10 months younger Her than me.

So seeing as how most people can do math, they knew that when their brother was being born, their father was screwing around with someone other than their mother.

Yeah, I was, I was conceived the week.

He was born.

Wow, so yeah.

Okay, yeah.

So that's if they have this High image of their father and then the reality is their father had an

affair with your mother, okay?

With My mother.

I don't know if it was a one-night stand.

I don't know how long it went on.

I have no idea who could have been a holiday party.

One time thing, I don't really know.

Did you suspect anything as

a child?

I didn't suspect anything like that.

I just knew.

I didn't.

I felt like I never fit in right.

You know, I always felt like I wasn't like them, but I didn't know why.

It never occurred to me that that was the

reason so your siblings kind.

Dove crack the door.

They don't close it, but they write say, we're going to stay to email.

Communication has your relationship since grown anymore or where are you at

now?

Not really in early 2019, so probably six or seven months later, my friends and I were in Philadelphia and he, I knew that he worked in that area.

Rhea and on a whim, I emailed him.

We were there for a weekend, unknown a whim, I emailed him and I said hey you know, I'm in the area.

Would you be interested in meeting for a cup of coffee?

And I just figured either, I wasn't going to hear from him or he was just going to say no or whatever, but he emailed me back right away.

And so he made a reservation for a restaurant in downtown and we met It was a pleasant meeting we had for about two hours, had some breakfast.

He told me some stories, he told me about what happened.

When he told his siblings about me, he was actually at his son's wedding and he made copies of the letter.

It happened to be like a week after I initially contacted him, his son was getting married.

So he decided it was a good time because they were all going to be together.

They live all over the country and it was they don't get together that often.

So they were all going to be together for his son's wedding.

And so he made copies of the letter and of the photos and called them all in a back room and gave it out and they sat and they read it.

He said his son had come into the room at one point and feel like everybody's face was kind of like, and It's like what's wrong, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong, get out, it's not your business.

Yeah, yeah, just tell me what's going on, you know, to someone dies a.

So he ended up telling his kids and they were kind of like oh okay.

And that was it, you know, he bait.

I don't think they had the shock reaction that he thought they were going to have, but he did say that his other siblings were.

Let's shop.

Then he he said, I must be just completely oblivious to everything because they didn't seem as surprised as I was when they read the letter.

He said, but they are still kind of, you know, not so, no, the answer is no nothing developed.

I would always be the one to initiate contact.

He would answer questions that I asked of him, and I kind of got tired of being the one to, you know, reach out.

So I Didn't you know?

So I just stopped about a year ago.

I sent them an email I want to say June of 2020 just kind of a hey how you doing you guys staying healthy?

Do you have covid-19 and of thing and Noble?

Good?

I help you well as well and that was it.

And I was like you know what, I'm not going to continue to put myself out here like that.

I'm just not going to do it.

Yeah, so that was it, that was the last time I contacted them.

Hmm.

Where do you feel like you're at with it now?

Emotionally and

mentally?

I think I'm good.

Um, for a number of reasons I've actually met Aunt Jackie, so the oldest sister she on a tour first.

The first time I met, I happen to be in Florida, visiting a friend and I rented a car and I drove it was like, probably two and a half hours away, three hours away, from where my friend was.

And I drove Up, their ad was there and Edna's wife.

So, we had a nice.

We had a nice day, we had for lunch, we had dinner, you know, so it was a, it was a nice day.

The first thing she said to me, when I walked in the door and she looked at me and said, oh my God, you look just like my brother.

And when I was leaving, she gave me a hug.

She said, don't you worry about those kids, you're all family now.

Oh, that is so sweet, you know.

So I see We talk eyes, I could we talk about at least once a month, sometimes more often I've been to visit again.

Actually this year we went down and stayed with with them for about a week, my aunt and my cousin.

So it's been a great relationship.

So I'm incredibly happy with that.

I have met some cousins.

I've been in contact with other cousins, you know?

So the way I look at it now, Because I'm going on almost 10 years of actually, since I took the DNA test, so I've had a long time to kind of get used to it.

So I'm in a good mental place with it.

I figure, I lived all these years without knowing who they were and without them in my life, and if they don't want to know me, that's their loss.

Yeah, I have to ask, you know, what, what was it like being one of the first people?

I mean, really.

I mean, probably not the First npe, right, because this has been happening since the beginning of time, but one of the first ones to find out through a DNA test, what was that?

Like, you know, how I had that feeling of, oh my God, I'm the only person that this has ever happened to.

I think a lot of people had that like, in the early days, I don't know if I should be embarrassed, because I have nothing to be embarrassed about.

But you know the way that we described it in our group is that it's just weird.

Yeah it's weird and and you know like people have asked me well how do you feel about it and like I don't know how I feel about it you know it feels weird, you know this man who raised me, I assume he didn't know but I really don't know.

He might've if he did good for him because he never Ever treated me differently than my brother and sister that I'm aware of.

I've asked my sister, if she thought I was treated differently and she said, no, as time has gone by.

I do feel a sense of loss in that I could have had lots of cousins.

I could have known my grandparents.

I didn't know any of my grandparents, I could have had siblings that warrant six, seven, nine years older than me.

But on the other hand, had it been revealed to me.

What would I have done with that information?

As a child?

Even as a younger adult?

You know, my mom died in 1994, my dad died in 1990.

When my mom was sick, I lived with her for about three months before she died.

So, she was just the two of us.

She had ample opportunity to tell me, but what am I going to do with that information in 1994?

Nothing.

You know, there was really, you know, the internet was a baby, you know, we were also on AOL and 1994, you know, CompuServe, you know, I would have wanted to have known.

But what would I have done with the information?

But I had no way to get in touch with them.

He didn't work at at her company.

I don't know when he left there.

I know it got absorbed by an bigger Corporation, and she didn't even work there, past the early 70s.

Well, I don't know when she lost touch with him.

I don't know.

She may have kept in touch with him all those years.

I have no idea if she did, she never said anything.

What are your feelings towards your mom about this?

You know, some people are angry at their parents.

Some people are very understanding and consider the times.

And where do you kind of fall with your feelings towards your mom,

baby bald overtime?

At first, I was angry first.

I was, I was In disbelief, like the woman that I knew as my mom, that can't possibly be anything that happened, you know?

I guess I guess there's a possibility that it could have been non-consensual but knowing what I know through stories and through what people have told me.

I don't think that.

That's okay, you know?

I mean obviously everybody has Beside that other people don't know.

But from what I what I've known what I know and what I've come to know about him, I don't think that that would be the cake.

He was very Charming.

He everybody loved them.

He was the life of the party, you know.

So it was that kind of thing.

They came a point in time and I can't even say one that as I thought about it.

I decided that I didn't know my mother as As a peer, I knew her as my mom.

And everybody has stuff in their life and no matter who the person is, none of that stuff is my business.

Including my mother.

She may have been having marital problems with my dad.

I have no idea.

So if she was, and it caused her to step outside of her marriage, that's none of my business.

You know, the bottom line is, I'm here.

I wouldn't be here if if I belong to my dad because I just wouldn't right, you know?

Yeah, I wouldn't be me.

There might be another child of my parents but it wasn't going to be me, you know, that's just biology, right?

So you know, yeah,

you've been on this journey for a long time longer than most.

What are some things that have helped?

It you kind of come to a place of acceptance and process all of this

information.

I can say that being around other and Pease is amazingly helpful being in communication with people who kind of know what it's like, has been better than I think any therapist that I could have had I was briefly in therapy, not for this for something else and I brought it up to my therapist and The complete lack of understanding by her kind of really turned me off to therapy generally because the, you know, the biggest question was, well, why do you want to contact these people?

I don't know compelled to do that.

I can't give you an answer to that question.

There your relatives.

There

were, you know, there might, you know, there there where I come from there my Heritage, they might not be my Family in the in the, you know, common sense of the word because I don't know them and they don't know me but they are my family.

And you know even if they're going to slam the door in my face I need them to know that I exist.

I can't say what drives the need but there's a need and and and I think in a lot of ways of that a lot of adoptees have that same drive, you know, the the the need for they call II, there's a term Ward and I can't think of it right now but I never had any.

I never had anyone that I look like

The genetic mirroring.

Yes.

Thank you.

So, the first time I saw anyone that I looked like was when I met Shannon.

When she walked in, we met at a restaurant and she walked in the door and it was the first time in my life.

That I look like anyone.

The feeling that I felt, I can't even describe it.

It was just like, oh my My God there's someone who looks like

me right?

That's

powerful.

You know I never had it in my life until I was 56 years old.

Wow so it's just I think the thing like I said that helped me the most was knowing that there are other people out there that I'm not alone and that they understand, even though they Journey might be the same as might not be the same as mine.

They understand it.

You know, they understand how I feel.

How I Out, you know, they understand the confusion, those beginning feelings of like I don't even know what to do.

You know what do I do?

How do I find out what has happened here?

This has happened to me and I need to know why and how.

So I mean, I think if I if I had to give advice to some of your listeners, I would say to seek out the the groups of people that Are in the same boat.

Some people have asked me if I regret ever taking the test, I don't, I don't regret taking the test because honestly, even though I had a search for the answers as to where I came from, it, did answer questions that I had growing up?

What advice would you give to a parent?

Who is hiding a DNA surprise from their child?

I would say that they should tell their child assuming the child is an adult tells them as an adult have sit down and say, look, this person is not your dad that person is your dad.

I don't know who your dad is because of whatever reason, none of your business, you know, that's none of your business.

Honestly, you know, that's really nobody's business, right?

But it is my business who he is.

And it's, it's your child's business where they came from mmm-hmm, and that they will be less angry at being told the truth at the earliest possible time.

I never understood adopt, the parents that don't tell their children, that their adopted.

I, I've never understood that, even before I was In PE, I think I have an inordinate number of adoptees in my, in my Orbit.

I know a lot of people who have been adopted, some people don't know anyone who's been adopted.

I my best friend is an adoptee.

My cousin is now an adoptee I have a lot of people in my in my life who have who are adopted and they all knew that they were always adopted and I think that the pain is minimized if I don't have Go to you.

Unfortunately, I didn't have anyone to go to but if if your mom and you have a secret you don't have to tell anybody else but you should tell the child that's impacted by that secret.

Because if you don't, they're going to find out and they're going to be pissed and they have every right to be pissed.

So I would say that toe toe as soon as you can because they're going to find

out kind of going back to what you touched on earlier.

Earlier, what advice would you give someone who just found out there?

An

end PE?

Take a deep breath.

Don't do anything.

Don't act quickly.

You know, a lot of people I've seen over the years.

You know, they basically will they get a match and it might be a close match, a sibling even a parent.

And the first thing they do is is you know, right off an email or whatever and say, oh my God, I'm your sister and and that's what happened is People say, oh no, and they just, they just closed right up, you know, because nobody wants to find that out on either end.

Really, nobody wants to find it out.

So my advice would be to do nothing before you make any type of contest.

Make sure that you have as much information as possible, if you're on Facebook seek out and te groups the better group, in my opinion, I've been in a number of them or with only nte, you know, there's groups that have a mixture of everybody that family, there's npes as adoptees, and there's nothing wrong with those groups because you can get, you know, you can, you can get a lot of good information, and a lot of good support, but you also can get a lot of judgment in those groups.

In the end, PE only group, you're going to find.

Of that.

And it's good to be to kind of be able to kind of spill your guts to people that know why you're feeling the way you feel.

However, that may be whether it's anger sadness, depression.

Whatever it is the feelings come and go, you know, time does help but it's good to seek out.

Don't don't isolate yourself because we're where there are more of us out here.

And we're we're waiting to help you.

That's what I did.

I would be.

That would be.

Don't don't do anything too fast.

Yeah, thank you.

Fresh find us.

Yes, I find us because we're here waiting for you.

Yes, yes.

Well, any thank you so much for sharing your story.

It was amazing to hear the Journey of someone who's been at this for a really long time and to kind of see where you've ended up.

I wish you the best of Lock and continuing to build the relationships with the family that you have been able to connect with and yeah, thank you.

Thank you on the show.

Hey, thank you for having me.

I'm glad I hope I can even if I can help one person.

That's, that's what I'm here for.

Thanks again, to any for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprised that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

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