Summer’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

You know, through the years, the 38 year time frame between when she told me, and when somebody else found out about it, my half-brother I didn't think about it every day, you know.

I could go months and months and months without ever thinking about it.

Like, I didn't have to dwell on it and once in a while I'd be like, oh yeah, I have this weird situation.

I have to think about or, you know, I wonder if my brother is in this room with me or my dad.

Is in this room with me.

Like it at High School in some event or something.

The damn been in the same room with me and I didn't know it, you know.

I mean that that could have happened and I was unaware, but I didn't think about it every day, you know, I can spend a long long periods of time without having to think about that.

And then, I think, you know, it's cyclical sometimes you just get into that zone where you're totally focused on it, like oh my God, I should do something about this.

No, maybe I should go knock the one brother.

I knew he lived.

I don't know, three or four hours from me.

And I was thinking, I Googled him and I saw his address, I could go knock on his door and say, hey, guess who, but I just never thought it would turn out.

Well, so most of the time, I just repressed, any feelings, I had, or any thoughts that I had and just assumed that nothing would ever happen.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021 I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who is experienced a non paternal event in other words my biological.

Father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of npes adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises summer was 13 years old.

When her mother told her

that she was in npe, but it wasn't until decades later after both.

Her biological parents had passed that she was able to connect with her half-siblings and this week's episode.

Some are explains how that journey is going, as well as compassion and empathy for her mother.

Thanks for sharing your story, summer.

My name is Summer, I'm 54.

And I'm from Central New York.

I took a DNA test because I bought one for my best friend, who's black?

And she didn't know any of her.

Her ethnic history and they were having a sale.

So I bought one for her, and I bought one for me and we did it together, but I only did it to determine my ethnicity.

I know my grandfather had said, we were Native American and I have this laundry list of other ethnicities that I thought I was.

And so I kind of wanted to just see that written down get proof of what I really was what I didn't.

Tend really was to find any long lost relatives, I guess.

But I knew that the father that I grew up with was not my biological father because my mother had told me when I was 13 and what happened to her, was she became pregnant when she was a teenager and got married to someone.

She was casually dating.

And that person still thinks he's my father.

My mother told me when I was 13 that he was not my father and they had been divorced already four years before then and she told me that her boss was my father but he was married with other children.

In the reason she told me that was because we lived in the same town that he did with his family and he He had sons who were a little older than me and she was worried.

I might meet them in school and and date one of them and it would actually be my brother, okay?

So that's so she came clean when I was 13 and it was pretty shocking to me.

Yeah.

How did you?

How did you react?

You know, I was surprised, and I guess I asked her some questions but I didn't I think when you're 13, you try to fit in with everybody and and so I didn't, I didn't really talk about it with my friends.

I probably didn't talk to her about it that much, like, I got the basic information and, and that was it.

And then, when I was in high school, one of my real dad, my biological father's children was in a class with me.

And and I knew who I knew who she was, but she didn't know who I was and so I So I tried to get to know her, but she was really quiet.

So we didn't really make a friendship or anything around that same time.

Had to be that same year, I went to a football game with my mother and a friend, and my mother looked up in the stands and said, do you see that man over there?

And I said, yeah.

And she said that's your dad.

And his son had been playing football.

And so he was at the football game to watch his son play.

And that was the only time I saw him that I was aware of.

She told me that she, he knew about me when she was pregnant.

And so, he did come to the hospital to see me.

When I was born, he was aware that I was his child, but since he was married, there wasn't much he could do about it.

I guess, you know, he stayed with his wife and his kids.

And and so I saw him that day in the stands.

Did he see you?

I have no idea.

Hmm, I don't know.

I would guess that he, if he recognized, if he saw my mother, he would have recognized her.

So maybe but I just have no idea.

And then Through The Years once Facebook emerged, some of my friends from school, we're also friends with one of my half-brothers, so I could kind of Facebook stock him a little And the, you know who we was, where he lived just kind of catch up with like just now seeing what was going on with his life and I probably did that about twice a year.

And one time when I was looking through his Facebook page, I saw another brother who had written a book and there was a little bit of press about it that he was something in the local library and a reading, I guess.

And And so then I then I Googled him because I really didn't know how many kids there were so I Googled him and then I saw something about him and his book and then I saw the name of another brother and then I saw the obituary of another brother and and when I looked at the obituary this was in.

I think it was 2016.

I looked at the obituary and I in in there that he was pretty.

Disappointed was on.

I then was kind of grieving my father that I never met and then I knew that I would never meet him.

And then I also figured that I would probably never have a relationship with my siblings because that connection was gone.

And I didn't see any way that I could ever like, go up to someone and knock on their door.

I assumed that some of them were still in our hometown, and I wasn't sure about that.

But I used to kind of Imagine going and knocking on someone's door and saying, hey, I'm your sister.

Let me tell you about this before.

You throw me out.

I fantasized about that a bit but I, it never really ended up well in my head.

So I just figured that that would never happen.

And so then I did the DNA test and a couple years later, someone showed up as My half-brother and it was another one of the brothers that I didn't really know existed and he sent me a message through 23andMe.

And So, I responded.

And I said, yeah, let's have a conversation at some point and he said, I'm really busy.

I can't, I can't do it right now and I said, okay, you know, let me know when and we kept messaging back and forth for one morning and then he said, okay this is Not a good way to communicate.

Here's my number call me and I had an important meeting that morning.

That was not in my office, so I couldn't call him until the afternoon and I called him and I was super, super nervous.

And so I just said, I just blurted everything out without taking a breath.

That my mom worked with his dad and she got pregnant and she, you know, panicked and married.

This person.

She was casually dating that she knew.

It wasn't really His that that I wasn't his kid and that she told me when I was 13 and I just really didn't think I would ever know them or have any relationship with them.

And then after I said all of this stuff and then I stopped to take a breath and was really just panicked about what he was going to say because I really expected him to say you're full of crap.

I don't know.

You know, I mean if we had DNA evidence so I wasn't there wasn't really any way to refute that but it wasn't expecting.

The the only thing I wasn't expecting is what he said, which was I have known about you since I was 15 but I didn't have any a to know who you were or where you were, but I knew that my dad had another child.

And I was completely shocked and he said that he had they had already.

He and his siblings had already found another sister.

That was kind of similar to me at exactly.

Okay.

And so he said that they welcomed this other woman into their family and that his family would certainly, welcome me into their family and that we could proceed.

However, I wanted to if Wanted to meet everybody great.

If I didn't want to meet everybody at was also fine.

He said, whatever I wanted to do we could do it.

And I realized that I had been waiting for that to happen for 38 years between the time that I found out about it and by the time that he did his DNA test, it was 38 years of waiting and when it happened then I wasn't sure what I really Lee wanted to do, like, I kind of wanted to be part of them and I wanted to be, I mean, I wanted to be welcomed by them, that was amazing.

But I also was a little overwhelmed at the number of kids siblings half-siblings that I had, they were scattered in many different states, they had kids of their own, and I was really, I was really overwhelmed about it.

How many did you end up having?

How many

Siblings.

Do you

have?

I have, let's see.

Five brothers and two sisters with that from that Dad.

My mother also had another child with my stepdad, so that I grew up with.

So I knew about him, you know, I grew up with him.

But then then, there were five other brothers.

That one, one who died in the remaining four and two sisters, one of whom they found after.

And if she had a slightly different Situation than me.

Wow, so your mom told you when you were 13 kind of going back, did she tell you not to tell your birth certificate father, or how did you come to a place where you decided that you would carry that secret with her?

You know, I don't remember if she told me not to tell but he my birth certificate father, remarried and didn't have kids.

And I have been really close to his mother, my grandmother and his sister, my Aunt, and they are family to me, you know, I've lived with them my whole life, I mean, visited them, spend time with them and I don't want to hurt any of them.

And I feel like it would be really hurtful to them to know that.

So I don't know if I really Can't recall if she told me not to tell anybody, but maybe it was obvious to me that that probably wasn't something to be shared and she died my mother died and more than a dozen years ago.

And so I don't, I know, I know from the group that we're in that, a lot of people have a lot of anger toward their mothers and feel just really lied to and betrayed And I don't feel any of that.

I never have.

I think that she was probably really scared being pregnant as a 19 year old and not married, and frankly, if I were her, I probably would have had an abortion because I wouldn't have wanted to be an unmarried nineteen-year-old.

I mean, it's pretty amazing that she decided to have a baby.

I was born right after she turned 20.

And she worked really hard to take care of me and gave me everything I needed.

And so, I don't have Have any anger or anything toward her?

I feel a little disappointed.

I guess that I didn't ask her more questions because as I started to meet some more of the family, my half siblings.

They each had different parts of this story because it seemed like some of them knew some stuff.

Some of them knew nothing at all.

But they each had little tidbits.

And now that I hear some of that I'm thinking, wow, I wish I could have talked to My mother about that.

But yeah.

So Flash Forward, you've connected with your half brother and he's saying, however, you want to move forward, we can move forward.

What what did you ultimately decide you wanted to do?

Well?

The day, I talked to him.

I think was a Monday and I went home and well I told my husband and I have a couple of kids so I decided on On Wednesday of that week that I needed to tell them the truth because I never had, I didn't think there was ever going to be a reason and so I told them the truth and they were mostly okay with it.

I think they were a little surprised but you know mostly okay I'll say and then when I had talked to the brother, the first brother on the first day he had told me that one of his nieces his other brothers daughter was Going to college in the same city that I currently live in.

And so and it was early March.

And so I woke up on the last day of that week Friday.

Work work week and said I thought, oh my gosh, maybe it's spring break and the other brother is coming to pick up his daughter and it would give me a chance to meet them.

So, I texted the first brother, and that first day, I talked, To him.

By the way, he sent a pictures of the whole family pictures of our dad, pictures of the brothers.

He sent me a ton of pictures.

Like, so, I would feel included right away.

I mean, really, just amazing.

So, I texted him and I said, hey, I see that.

The, the niece's spring break is this week, is there any chance that the other brother brother number two is coming to pick her up and he said, you know, I'll message him and so I found out that he had already picked her up.

She was already back at home, so I didn't have that opportunity but that night brother number two called and I picked up the phone.

It was an unknown number, of course, and he said, hey, little sis.

Hmm.

And so we had a talk and then he put his daughter on the phone, who was going to college in my city and she said, her birthday was that week and she said, this is the best birthday present ever.

I have a new aunt.

Oh, how sweet really was?

It was awesome.

They just really made me feel welcome and included just from the beginning which is just it's really awesome.

And so then I met them in person a month later, we had a dinner together.

They all came to my city and we had dinner together, my family met them and my brother has a son that's the same age as my son.

So they kind of Acted and they're big Sports guys.

So they had that in common.

So it was it was it was pretty cool.

And then a few months after that, I got a call from another brother who happened to be passing through my city to go someplace for work.

And Alden said, hey, I'm stranded at the airport.

Do you want to come and pick me up?

And I said, okay, so then I met him, which is cool.

So the only Like haven't met actually is the one that I first talked to, because he lives far far away.

And so I have not met him in person.

I've met the other three, brothers and two sisters.

And one of them did a DNA test to the the sister who was in my high school math class, she also did a DNA test and came up as, you know, my half-sister.

So maybe she was a little skeptical about this whole thing, like I don't believe it so she went and did it and sure enough.

The first brother that you

talked to, he knew about you from the time he was

15.

Did your father tell him and how did that come up as he shared sort of how he came to learn?

I don't remember which brother told me the story.

I think it was actually the second brother told me that his dad told him that when my mom got pregnant or realized, she was pregnant my My biological dad went home to his wife and said, hey, I got my secretary pregnant.

I am going to leave you and be with her.

And his wife said, great, you take all these kids and go and and then he apparently went and told my mother that and my mother said, no thanks.

Like, I'm not going to raise your five kids or whatever so the the sister that's like the same ages.

Has me she's four months older than me.

So probably his wife was pregnant at that same time.

Where were the same age?

Well, yeah, and I'm kind of shocked.

I think my mother was sort of a person who tried to please other people.

So I'm almost surprised that she said no to that, but that's one of the things I'd really like to ask her about.

I mean, of course, it would be overwhelming to be 19 and take care of five kids that don't belong to you, right?

I'm I'm surprised that she would have said, no, I think but I'm just really, I would love to ask her that question.

I would love to find out what she was thinking or if that really happened.

I mean, maybe that wasn't her recollection of the events but that's what one of my brothers told me which was really shocking to me.

And, and a little amusing mean the whole thing, sounds kind of amusing.

So their mother, my half sibs, mother has Also invited me to do things with them.

They just had a big Fourth of July party and she invited me to come and I said, she said she doesn't blame you like she knows it's not your fault and you're part of the family and she'd like you to come.

I did not because I had other plans.

I felt a little guilty about it because I do think it's a little hard to build a relationship with these people.

I am doing it slowly but you know, I'm over 50 there.

Over 50 summer over 60 and I feel like you know we I have 50 years of history and so do they like what do we do?

We just start from now and build ahead.

Do we try to you know they tell me some stories about when they were growing up.

Things that happened and you know them.

I feel a little like, well you you got to with our dad then and I didn't, you know, I don't know.

All of that is strange to me and I think it's strange.

To build a relationship with them.

Like I'm not I'm not sure how to do that.

And so, you know, we just do a little bit, we see each other occasionally and none of them live in the same city or state anyway that I do.

So it's hard to build a relationship but they're very if I text any of them they'll text me right back and there you know, way into being you know in communication with me or seeing me and I just feel a little Armed by it sometimes.

Well, that's a lot of siblings.

It is, it is.

And so, and they're also really super open with me about everything.

Like one says, you know, I'm not the smartest person in the group and, and I feel like when you're trying to meet somebody often you put on your best, you know, face for everything like maybe you want to act like you're the smartest person or you know whatever and they're just like so open.

Open about everything.

One of them is, you know, sometimes like depressed and sometimes worried that he worries about his dad was like a womanizer.

Like is he going to become a womanizer anything he does.

He's really worried if if he's following down the same path as our dad seems weird for me to say that and I don't feel that comfortable calling him.

My dad.

I don't, you know, know him.

But I mean he is my my dad do you feel like you've been able to Find some sort of connection to your biological father through your siblings.

I don't feel much of a connection I guess, I just feel and and I also recently found out that my dad has a sister and she recently found out about me so she started texting me too.

So that was weird.

She didn't know about me.

And and so I now have a little bit of a relationship with her not Much, but I feel like, you know, it's interesting to hear stories about him and and I see that, you know, I resemble my brother's more than the sisters and I appreciate their honesty and everything.

I feel like, I don't know, it's just hard to build a relationship with someone that you're supposed to be siblings with and you're starting out a relationship when you're 50, you know, that's kind of I feel like that's difficult to navigate and but they're so open to it.

Like I feel bad if I don't put a lot of effort into it and sometimes I just can't.

I feel like my life is pretty full, I have family and friends and now I have this other group of people that want to be my family and they are but I feel like sometimes it's just it's a little overwhelming and I want I just I don't, I can't describe this.

Well, because I would like to be close to them, but it takes effort.

Sometimes I just don't feel like I have that energy to do that.

I completely understand why you're saying it's, you know for me I'm 36 and my father is still alive, but it's weird to feel like, how do you I feel like he'll never be my parents because I have parents and I didn't grow up with them and I have siblings but like you're saying I didn't grow up with them.

We Have shared experiences growing up.

That I feel like Bond, you do your siblings and we will I hope that will be closed and become closer.

But will it ever be that familial feeling?

I'm not sure.

So you have touched on it?

Like, what, what would you like to see happen?

I don't know because I feel like I feel pretty lucky that.

How this whole thing has happened.

Happened.

Was it really better than I could have expected and they're very warm and welcoming and seemed interested in me and my life and my kids and are accepting.

I mean, it's really it couldn't be kind of in a way, it couldn't be any better except for that, you know, I don't have the opportunity to meet my dad and I don't know what that would have been like.

Anyway I'm I'm glad that he knew about.

Help me, but it's kind of weird to not have that.

I wish that I had more time to spend with them so that I could know them better.

I don't feel like anything is like difficult with them because they're all just really open and just, you know, if I ask a question, they answer it and they're very thoughtful answers and really introspective and really Just honest, and it's refreshing.

I just, I appreciate that.

And what I was growing up, I always wished.

I had an older brother and now I have four of them, but they weren't there when I needed them, you know, maybe some of those rough years, Middle School, it would have been handy to have some brothers in high school.

So I missed out on some of the good times that I probably have benefited from having a big brother.

Yeah, one of the things I've heard from people that, you know, Found out that they were nve's.

At some point is that they spend some time thinking about what life might have been like if they'd been able to be involved in their biological

father's life.

If they've been raised by their biological father,

is that something that you've ever thought about?

Because you sound like you really have a lot of peace with the fact that your mom made her decision, you have a father, you know.

But Dad that raised you do wonder about what it might have been.

Like otherwise a little bit, I know that, you know, I grew up in a small family, they grew up in a large family, like what would that have been like that would have been different?

But I think my my childhood was far from perfect, I guess.

I don't dwell too much on the what ifs, there didn't really happen before I talk to my brothers, even though I had my DNA results, but I think this is probably somewhat common.

I sort of felt like I was having a nice Energy crisis, because I was like, you know, who am I really?

You know, I thought I was this person and then I guess I got a little interrupted when I was 13.

And I learned that I was maybe part of something else, but it really came.

It seemed to become more obvious after I had a connection with the brothers to start with.

Because I think that, I mean, part of it is ethnicity.

I mean, there, I found out.

I'm About 9% Ashkenazi, Jew.

I did not know that before and it definitely comes from that side of the family.

The rest of my DNA wasn't or my, you know, ethnicity wasn't that surprising to me.

It was essentially what my grandfather said – the Native American, but I sort of felt like, I don't know.

I think I was having a little bit of an identity crisis after just having conversations with them, I know I feel I feel probably a little bit left out because they can talk about history.

I'm not with them as a group, very much, if I would have gone to that, Fourth of July celebration.

I would have been, but it's kind of, I've been kind of with them in smaller groups, but I have met two brothers, and one of the sisters came have been to my house and they came from out of state.

And I've been to a couple of their houses to.

So, and we've met Had other convenient places.

So we've seen each other several times over the last three and a half four years so we've had yeah multiple opportunities to get together.

One of the questions I was going to ask was about your biological father's wife and if she was still alive so she is and have you had a chance to speak with her yet?

No, I have not spoken with her but she has made it clear that I'm welcome to visit her

Where

she lives out of state go to parties that she's hosting or or, you know, family, gatherings or reunions.

She's totally fine with that.

And that makes me, I mean, I think it's very gracious makes me a little uneasy, but I'm glad that I mean she's 80 or whatever, so, you know, she knows.

It wasn't my fault.

I didn't choose this, but I mean, I would guess I would be a reminder of some of the bad things that her husband did.

While married to her on that doesn't make me happy.

Nobody wants to feel that way, but I think she's, you know, made peace with it.

They divorced also so.

Later on went probably about.

I think when I was 16 I didn't know that at the time, of course, but they divorced, when I was about 16, and I think she never got remarried, and he did get remarried to his high school sweetheart.

Who he couldn't marry when he was in college or high school.

I guess.

Because they, Are different ethnicities and it was frowned upon back then.

Hmm do you have any feelings toward your father based on you know that he was your mom's boss and kind of the dynamic of that and was out of her struggles for you?

Well when I think about it like logically he was probably eight years older than her.

He was in a powerful position.

I think with the me to stuff, you know, it It could, it could look bad, but I think that.

But I don't, I don't feel like she was manipulated.

I mean, I think that she probably wanted someone to love her which I think was a theme throughout most of her life.

Sadly.

And I'm not sure she ever felt like she achieved that but I think that, you know, she felt that she had something with him.

And was willing to, I mean, when you get pregnant and have a kid, your whole life changes, she was willing to deal with the consequences of that and have a baby and, you know, raise it with somebody.

I'm sure she had you know, she had to make some difficult choices and maybe choose the lesser of the evils and so she made a choice and I don't want to, you know, undo her choice I guess.

Yes, I don't see that's why.

I just don't see a reason to ever tell the truth about that even though it sucks.

I mean, it sucks and it sucks to because my kids are now sort of have to keep that secret to because they also know my birth certificate Dad.

They also know my aunt and they love my aunt and you know, and I don't like having to make that request of them but I don't see a way around it.

I guess I don't feel Like it's you know how people say I don't know like the truth sets you free and and all this stuff like I don't I don't feel like maybe it is a big ask for me to have my children.

Keep my mother's secret but I don't feel like there's a way around it.

Do you feel like you're keeping this secret for you?

Or do you feel like you're keeping it to spare your birth certificate, father, and family and his family?

From that potential pain.

I guess I haven't really thought about that because I when I think of it, I think it's for them.

But I wonder now that you ask that directly if because I've told my friends, my friends know the truth.

I don't I'm not like keeping it a secret although I didn't tell my friend, most of my friends.

I didn't tell until I had contact with my brother because it just didn't seem was like an unnecessary part of my history.

It wasn't necessary to share.

I guess, I think now that I'm only keeping the secret to protect my dad and my real, our relationship with my aunt who we just all really, I don't feel like.

I feel like my Aunt could deal with the truth but I don't know that there's a reason.

The tell her the truth.

Like, if my dad wanted in the picture I don't know if I would tell her, I don't feel like it would Have any real benefit I guess?

Yeah, the reason why I was asking is just because you do seem so.

Okay with it, you really do seem like you're at peace with it.

You're at peace with your mom's choice and it doesn't seem to be a struggle for you.

Personally, in terms of like why she made that choice and you still have a really great connection with your birth certificate father, and that family, that obviously still means a lot to you.

So I was just curious, you know?

Kind of the intention behind it.

And I think that that's I have talked to other people who are keeping it from their birth certificate father, and it's the same thing, you know.

They want to spare them basically.

So he did get remarried.

You know, after he and my mom divorced and then his wife died and then, you know, my grandmother died.

And so he has no spouse.

He has no Mom.

He has his history.

Doesn't get along with that.

Well and so I feel like It would be pretty devastating to him to lose me as a daughter.

I mean not that he would lose me but you know to know that we weren't really related, I guess, I don't know.

So I wouldn't want to do that to him.

Yeah it's been a few years for you.

Where do you feel like you're at with it now?

Well I think I'm in a pretty good place.

I feel like you know, after my Identity crisis.

I think I can go down that path again, you know, and be concerned about that.

But I think I'm choosing not to it doesn't really benefit me in any way to feel like I don't have an identity and I like, you know, I like my relationship with my new sibs, I guess I would like to see them more but we're not near each other.

I would I'd like to have more of a relationship but I feel like there's just not a lot of time for it, so it's not that they don't want that or I don't want it, it just, you know, it's prioritizing what, what we do with our time.

And so, you know, if we're in the same place at the same time, we'll definitely hang out and we'll enjoy each other's company.

But I think that we're probably probably, none of us are making a Ton of effort to do it.

But I mean, it's weird now to with with covid.

So, you know, people aren't making a lot of effort.

See how other people anyway.

So, if we didn't have a pandemic for the last year and a half, I don't know how things would change.

I probably would have seen them more but I feel, I mean I feel pretty comfortable.

I think that you'll really have an

interesting perspective on this

just because of your situation.

What would you tell a parent who maybe had Add a DNA surprise that they were hiding from their child.

What advice would you give them?

I think, you know, it probably weighed very heavily on my mom for my whole life until she felt comfortable to tell me so she probably like played through that conversation for years and years and years and trying to find the right time.

To tell me the truth and and she was probably relieved when She did.

And I'm glad that she told me because it seems like a lot of the people in the NP group are really, really pissed at their moms and it sounds like I mean a lot of the moms don't take responsibility for it or say that the DNA is lying or say.

I mean I'm sure some of them don't remember who made them pregnant, that is definitely true.

But to continually just say that it didn't happen or that the DNA is Wrong is, it's kind of ludicrous to me, I guess.

But I know that, you know, not, everybody can be honest for whatever reason.

I mean, there are lots of reasons that people don't want to tell the truth.

I feel lucky.

My mom told me, and I think that she probably felt lucky that, I acted the way I did about it, because I think, when I first told my kids one of them was a little angry, like, I was, you know, being a secret from them, and and I guess I don't remember feeling that you know, when my mom told me I don't remember feeling anger that you know, she kept this from me and I probably felt like kind of honored that she trusted me enough to tell me the truth because especially when you know girls and their

mothers often don't have a good relationship when girls are in there 20 in their teens you know they get out of You know, like I could have had any time been like you're a crazy bitch.

I'm telling everybody about this terrible thing you did and and I didn't do that, which I'm probably I should be impressed with myself because I probably wasn't a very easy teenager either.

So but I never thought of doing that.

I really admire The Compassion that you show for your mom, you know, during that time I think you're right.

A lot of, a lot of npes do have a lot of anger.

It's their parents and I'm sure the fact that she told you, when you were 13 helped, but I still think that you have you show a lot of compassion to her.

Well, I can't say I've always done that.

I think a lot of times I am, you know, thought the worst of everything she did.

But I think this, I think she, you know, she made the choice that was best for her and I think it it turned out okay, you know, maybe it wasn't the best thing that could have happened to ever.

But I think, You know, overall she had to do what was right for her and I think it was okay.

It really makes me sad when Parents particularly, I mean I guess it's usually dad's find out that they have a kid that they didn't know about for whatever reason and totally shut them out and especially and and the wives that they have that they're afraid to tell the truth to particularly.

I mean, maybe only if the child was born before that couple was married.

You know, I understand if a husband cheated on his wife, And created a child, then he wouldn't want to discuss it.

But her husband's that are afraid to tell their wives when a child was born before they were married.

And and a woman who wouldn't be accepting of that, like the man didn't have a life before her or whatever, that kind of boggles my mind.

Really.

And I feel like there's so many stories about people trying to find their biological.

Dad and can't can't have a relationship with him.

And it just is really, it's really awful.

I feel really, really bad for those folks that can't have a relationship in the the men that are afraid to tell their wives.

Yeah, yeah.

It's it's just really sad for those people.

Well, that that kind of leads me to my next question, which is What advice would you give someone who just discovered that they are an N PE or had a DNA surprise?

I, I don't know about advice, I think, you know, I think it's important to try to reach out to them.

I think that it from most people who do it, they seem to, you know, say I just want to, you know, I'm interested in a relationship.

If you're not, that's fine and like my You know, history, my family history.

I'm not trying to get your money.

I mean, all of that stuff is the pretty typical things.

I just, I think, you know, I'm an extrovert and I like making connections with people, and sometimes I wonder if it's because I felt disconnected, my whole life from my relatives, or people who thought they were in my relatives that I just really like making connections with people about anything, you know, any stupid little Nothing.

And I find, I find people to make connections with I think because I like feeling included in something bigger than myself and and I think that a lot of people want to feel a connection and they feel like they're going to get it from people who are biologically related to them and I just I my wish would be that people would be a little more open-minded to thinking a surprise Could be a good thing.

It doesn't have to be a bad thing, you know.

I feel like the world is a better place when people make connections and so I think people should just do that, get to know one another assume positive intent and and make a connection.

I think that's great advice.

Well summer, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your journey.

I wish you the best of luck and continuing to connect with With your half-siblings, your newfound family and just the best of luck on the rest of your journey.

Thank you, thank you so much for including me.

Thank you summer for sharing your story.

If you have a DNA surprise Story, please email DNA surprises at gmail.com and if you haven't yet, please rate review And subscribe to the podcast on Apple podcasts or Spotify.

Until next time.