Jessica B’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

It's just, it's just in me and I'll try to like set myself on a different path and be like, all right, I'm not going to think about it this way today, but I just don't know.

I think like following people's pages and then listening to other people's stories.

And even in my circle at this point, I know people who this has happened to.

And in conversations, it's like, does it ever get better?

Does it ever get easier?

Is there ever a day that you're really OK with what happened?

And I'm starting to think that the answer is really no, and that maybe what I'm really searching for is just never going to happen and that I have to accept that.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host Alexis, our salt.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPEA person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

DNA surprises are confusing.

They are confusing for the people they happen to as they try to make sense of new found information.

And with so many characters and twists and turns in each story, they're also confusing for the people listening to them.

This week's DNA surprise story is no exception.

In fact, it features a triple NPE.

So before we begin, I'm going to break down who's who.

Jessica grew up with her birth certificate Dad, who she believed was her biological father.

We'll refer to him as Dad One.

She will go on to tell us about her stepfather who after a series of events, becomes Biodad Two.

Later, her mother reveals the truth, or so Jessica thanks and she identifies Biodad 3.

To be clear, none of these men are her biological father.

Jessica shares the long and winding Rd. she took to finally identifying her true biological father with the help of an ancestry DNA test and her detective skills.

She also reveals how she's navigating a new relationship with her bio dad and an ethnicity shift that uprooted her from her strong Italian heritage.

Thank you for sharing your story, Jessica.

Jessica’s DNA Surprise Story

Jessica, I'm 49 and I currently live in South Carolina.

So my DNA surprise story is definitely not the traditional story that you're going to probably hear from most people.

I did do ADNA test in 2020 when I think a lot of people probably started doing doing the tests out of pandemic boredom.

Absolutely.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I think that's what it was.

I actually had built a family tree 1st and then my cousin thought it was so great with all the pictures and whatnot that he had asked me if I would be willing to do the DNA so that we would basically match up and then he wouldn't really have to build out the tree anymore.

So I agreed to, I was like, all right, I was really curious of what kind of Italian I was and I had known that he had done his, but for some reason I, I guess and go and when I'll go back in, like I didn't ask him.

Like I could have just asked him, you know, Hey, what kind of Italian are we?

But like, for some reason, I didn't, which ultimately led me to taking the test and LED me to the final chapter of this sort of thing.

But what happened was when I was about 5 years old, I had a nightmare.

And I was I was sleeping at my grandmother's house where I stayed pretty much all week and some weekends I was going to school there.

And this is my my mom's mom.

She was of Irish descent, right from Ireland.

She had to brogue.

And I came down and I had been having a a nightmare.

I was crying and when I came downstairs she asked me what was wrong and I told her that I was having a nightmare about my dad and he had hit me in my in my dream and whatnot because that had kind of been going on when I was little.

And my grandmother just all of a sudden seemed like super annoyed and in her like real super Irish brogue.

She said stop your crying lassie.

That man ain't even your father.

I guess I can, I it's like I can do her voice and her brogue so well because it's been like burned into my memory almost that weekend when I that weekend I happened to go home.

And at this point my parents were divorced and I did have a little sister.

And I used to always like, say to my grandma about stuff like, you know, like dad, dad will hit me, but he never hits her, you know?

And it used to like always bother me.

And I think like, probably when I had that dream, it just set my grandmother into telling me the what she had said.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I remember thinking, oh, that makes sense now that that's why he hits me because I'm not his.

But yet before my sister was born, my dad and I had like this amazing relationship.

I remember we would call it like Auntie pastime.

He would give me grape juice, he would have wine, we would eat cheese and pepperoni.

And I just remember like it like having such great times with him.

They were divorced pretty quickly after my sister was born.

So maybe like that had something to do with it.

And I was just older.

But it was the way that it felt was like in that moment was like, oh, OK, that explains it now.

And I think what's weird is that that initial reaction, how I was like, oh, that explains it Now.

That's pretty much been my total overall personality my whole life.

Once I find out something and it makes or what I believe makes sense to me on some level, I'm like OK, and then just move on.

So at five years old, you go home.

I go home that weekend and I I, I didn't say anything.

I that was the first and last time my grandmother and I ever spoke of that.

So figure.

So by saying that think I'm, I was five.

My grandmother passed away when I was 17.

So for the rest of her life, we never had a conversation past that one moment in time.

And when I went home that weekend, I remember having hanging my legs over the back over the like it.

We had a pool in our backyard and I at that time, by that time, my, my mother's older brother, his wife had passed away from breast cancer.

Their daughter lived with us.

So my mom had been kind of been, it basically adopted her.

So I called her sister.

So I will say like I have an older sister.

I, I don't say I have a cousin.

So at that point it would have been my mother, my older sister, myself and my younger sister all living together.

My older sister's 10 years older than me.

So she obviously knows things, you know, so I was sitting in the, in the backyard and I kind of was like, I had my feet like dangling, I guess, over the ledge and in the pool, whatever.

My mom kind of came over.

I I guess I probably was being like a little quiet maybe.

And she came over to me and she was like, what's up?

And I was like, no, nothing.

And she's like, no, what's you seem like something's bothering you.

It's wrong.

I said, well, grandma told me that daddy's not my dad.

And my mom looked at me and she said, oh, she's lying.

She says that.

And she said my oldest sister's name, that your uncle's not her father either.

She just tells everybody that.

So she basically convinced me that, like, this was something that my grandmother did.

Like, my grandmother was just nuts.

And like she just goes around telling us all that our fathers aren't our fathers.

OK.

And did did you accept that then?

Of course, wholeheartedly never, never to speak.

And again, when I say I never spoke to my grandmother about that topic, me and my grandmother were very, very, very close.

Like I literally spoke to my grandmother once a week until the week she passed away, every holiday I saw her.

But my mother immediately pulled me away, pulled me out of school, and I had to like switch schools.

So now everything about my life completely changed.

So living with my grandmother, it was piano lessons, dance lessons, Catholic school, and now I'm in inner city public school in the in the boroughs like of New York City.

It was mind blowing how changing it was.

And also at that point, my mom had started dating who would become my stepfather, and I picked up relatively quickly that there was drug use going on with him, not with her.

But I did pick up relatively quickly on it.

So I wasn't super happy about now having to be there all the time.

Do you believe, looking back, that your mother uprooted your life and did all of that at that time because of what your grandmother said?

Oh.

I believe that she did it.

I believe that there was probably a conversation that took place where my grandmother was probably told never to say a word.

I believe that my uncle, who was my godfather, who he had never married and lived with my grandmother, I believe he knew.

I, I mean, I, they, I mean, obviously at this point everybody knew.

You.

Know it's just not me.

I mean her her best friends.

I, you know, my mom has the same best friends since she's 13, you know, so this, this was something that I feel like everyone has known around me but me.

And it's been on me to find out the truth.

No matter how many times I would ask.

It was crazy because even like I said, I, I legitimately even with all of the uprooting and like there was more uprooting because my dad didn't like the idea of my stepfather being around us.

Once my mom realized that, she basically packed up the whole house and she kind of like told me this crazy story, 'cause I had seen the word Campbell written on a box.

And I was like, what's like, what's happening?

And she said, oh, I'm just packing up some stuff, move and stuff.

And I was like, well, why does it say Campbell on it?

And she's like, oh, it, it's like, it's like a, it's a term when people are moving.

If anything that belongs in the kitchen, you write Campbell on it like Campbell's soup.

And I was like, oh, OK.

So what really though was going on was that she, I mean, I guess there's like no nice way to say it, but like, in fact, like looking back, she actually I guess kind of kidnapped us and she took us to Campbell, CA to be able to live with my stepfather and like not have my, my dad involved in their life.

So I was a teenager by the time I saw my dad again.

Wow.

So you moved to California with your mom, your stepdad, and your younger sister, who belonged biologically to your dad, the one that you left behind.

Moving to California

It became evident that there was definitely some weird stuff happening.

I would call my dad's mom.

We were able to make like, phone calls, but it was like, weird, you know, like these little quick Merry Christmas grandma.

And then we'd have to like, hang up the phone.

Being my age now, it's like, yeah, it was like as if somebody was tracing the line or something.

She was making sure we were just talking really quickly and hanging up.

So it was definitely crazy.

But I guess she real ended up realizing that like changing the location wasn't changing the behaviors.

So we ended up it only was about a year and we moved back.

But when we moved back, we didn't move back to the city of New York anymore.

I moved back to like Long Island more.

So by that time I was about nine when this hell happened.

So by the time we moved back, I was about 9:00.

So we lived in a rental for a year and then my mom and my stepdad bought a house and when we moved into the house I had found a box.

And when I found the box I found my mom and dad's divorce papers.

And in the divorce papers I found that I was that they had gotten married in 1970.

I want to say 77 or 78.

I was born in 75 S again still believing what she had told me.

I got like so upset thinking that I was born out of wedlock.

Like you would have thought like what happens?

Meanwhile I'm like, I should have only if I knew then what I knew now I would have been like, that is not the worst of the story to come.

I was like Oh my God, you.

I was born out of wedlock and like, I remember being so upset about it.

And she was like Jessica, it it, it happens, you know, like she totally played it off.

So again, like she sees that it's something that's still sticking with me and something that's still bothering me.

I was probably about like 13 maybe when I found the box ish.

Somewhere in between 613 and 15, my dad started to petition her for I guess like at that point I'm he must have found us 'cause I ended up finding out that he had hired private investigators, all kinds of stuff to try to find us.

So at that point they went into a custody battle and once they went into the custody, that's when she finally told me that he wasn't my father.

But she even turned that into like a negative, like almost to like, like she was only telling me it because he didn't want to pay child support for me.

Like he used it in court against her and that's the only reason she was telling me kind of thing.

OK, OK.

And So what did you think at that point?

Now you find out OK, Grandma was right.

You know what though?

It was funny because even when that happens, I, I know I heard what my grandma said, but I never went to my grandmother and asked anything.

I never went back to her and never said anything.

You know, she was older at that point.

It just, I didn't go back and never say like, hey, grandma, you were right.

And like I, and there's part of me that sometimes that's like, well, how did I let all those years go?

There was a good three, at least three years or so that I could have gotten something out of her.

And I didn't even think to like, ever have that conversation.

Did did you reflect back on the fact that she was right even if you didn't talk to her?

Or had you completely pushed what happened to her?

At that point, I completely pushed it out and I was more like just trying to figure out who my dad was.

And at some point it had come out that my mom and my stepdad had been engaged when they were 21.

So I remember like being in the car with him and asking like when they broke up and he said, oh, we broke up in like 1974.

And I was like, oh really?

And I'm like, when in 1974 and looking back, he definitely was feeding it to me because it wasn't a, it wasn't like a hard jump to go from October of 74 to July of 75.

Right, right.

So next thing I knew we were alone in the house and he was like, can I talk to you for a second?

I popped up on the on the counter and he told me that he was my dad.

So now I go from this person like I said that I had all these like different emotions about anyway to begin with.

Like now he's like now he's my dad.

And I remember just being like, OK, I was like, he told me the truth.

I know the truth now, whatever kind of thing.

So my mom at some point said to me, because I guess he must have gone outside and told her that he told me that.

And she asked me if I was OK with him being my father or something like that.

And I remember being like, yeah, I just and I said, yeah, I just wanted to know the truth.

That's all I ever wanted to know was the truth.

And I said that to her even at that at that younger age.

So I ended up believing that my now stepfather is now my dad and my it turns out that my birth certificate father, who I thought was my dad, adopted me is what I was told when I had found out.

Like he wasn't my dad.

Through the process of the court stuff, my aunt had come to me, who was my my dad's sister.

And she said you're only just finding out now.

But we always knew, like she wanted me to be OK with it and not feel like I wasn't part of the family, that it affected any of that for me.

So your birth certificate father knew?

He knew, right?

So I think that's like important to make that point.

My aunt was like, we all knew this, you just didn't know.

How did it feel to know that everyone knew this secret and you were the last to find out?

In that moment I felt relieved because I felt like, oh, OK, they always knew and they've always treated me so amazing on my birth certificate.

Father's family, we are like a huge family.

My dad's cousins, like their children and I are very close.

So you're talking about second, third cousins, like all the way out, like such a huge family.

And we're so, so, so close to this day, so close.

For me, it was just like, oh, OK, It, it was never a thing.

So I go through this, this whole situation.

And then at 19, my stepfather had gotten sick and at that point they had broken up and he was back living in California because that turned out that that's where his family had moved to.

So that's why we actually went out to California in the 1st place.

So he had gone back out there.

He never really was able to get it together.

And he passed away when I was 19.

But I did believe that he was my my dad.

So like when I was getting engaged, I actually brought my then boyfriends out to California to like meet my grandmother, 'cause I was like, oh, someone like I was, I kind of felt like a traditionalist in some way.

Like I, somebody from my family should be meeting this person that I'm marrying.

If my dad's dead, my grandfather's dead, like, you know, kind of thing.

Looking back though, something in me started to like scratch at it again.

And I started bringing it up to my older sister a lot saying and I had had my son at that point and I said something just doesn't feel right about this.

I don't believe it.

I don't know if I really believe it.

I feel like something's really off.

And she all of a sudden, like we were on the phone, but I could feel it like like brew up in her.

And she was like, fine, he's not your father, but you need to go talk to her.

I can't say anything more.

Oh my gosh.

And then I was like, Oh my God, like then in that moment I was like, you knew, now I'm like lied to now for the third time, you know, And I'm like, OK, everyone, like everyone's like, how many people keep knowing and how many people have known that she just keeps telling these like crazy.

Like, I don't know, what could my real father be like that?

This is so, this is so insane.

So I show up at her house and I said to her, look, I need to know the truth.

You have to understand, like, I've been asking this legitimately since I'm five.

You said grandma was a liar.

Now we know she wasn't.

This just keeps happening and happening.

I have kids with someone who's adopted and I have basically only one piece of my medical history.

And when I was 21, I had started getting really bad autoimmune stuff happening at 21.

I had like a full body bone scan.

I was getting every test you could imagine.

I was in pain every single day.

And I was just like, and then like to have my son.

And I was like, what if there's something with the baby?

I was so annoyed at that point.

Like now I was like, I want to know the truth.

And she was like, fine, fine, blah, blah.

Is your father but he's dead.

Almost like she said the name and it was like no like I need to know the truth.

So she was like fine blah blah is your fault.

Fine, OK.

I heard her say that he's dead part, but I felt like, oh, OK, she gave me the name.

And then it turned out that that's supposedly the reason why I never got my baptismal certificate was because that person's name was on my baptismal certificate.

So she never let me see my baptismal certificate anytime I needed it, like to baptize my son.

She all of a sudden became super helpful.

She was going to get everything for me, you know, blah, blah, blah.

So again, here I am in a situation where I'm like, all right, his name's on baptismal certificate.

She had these stories that she came up with, but like looking back on a couple of the stories that she had told, like there were definitely some pieces that didn't add up.

You know, I definitely started feeling like what what happened to this guy?

Like, where is he?

And then I became so obsessed with it, I ended up like hiring a private investigator to try and find him.

Turned out that the year that she had told me that he died, it turns out that I had two brothers, but he couldn't possibly have been dead because of the ages of my brothers, you know?

Did she explain why she lied about the 1st 2:00?

She made it out like her and my birth certificate dad that got married, I was under a year.

They he decided that he wanted to adopt me.

You're able to just if there's no name on a birth certificate, you're able to just add it.

So he just adopt.

That was how he just adopted me.

Like, you know, not any big process.

He just put his name on my birth certificate.

They were getting married and she thought that that was going to be like the end game for her.

So she was just going to leave it like that and had no intention of ever telling me ever.

And then she said that, which she always pointed out was that my stepfather was the one who told me that he was my father and that why should I hear that?

You know, why should I have two drug addicts in my life basically was the excuse she gave.

So stepdad becomes and moves into the dad two spot and now I've got dad 3.

Right.

Did he know?

Did Dad Two know that he was not your biological father?

OK, so he also knew and decided to tell you this.

Right, and again, mind you, like so I have all these adults around me like, you know, I don't I don't really harbor with my sister because I get I get it like, you know, after probably seeing what like what happens with my grandmother, she was never going to be like the one to give up any information.

But like I was super close with my mom's best friend.

I would always say stuff to her too, like even when I started questioning about whether or not, you know, dad too is my dad, I had gone to her and had conversations about like, well, maybe it was this person, or maybe it was that person, because like now I was starting to think about men that I was around when I was younger.

Maybe there was some things that seemed weird to me that I said, Oh, maybe it was this person, maybe it was that person.

But like I said that the excuse in in that lie was that my stepfather decided to become dad too, so that I wouldn't have two drug addicts in my life.

So ultimately the assumption was that dad three who now would have been my who I would have believed my biological father to be was drug addicts as well.

I bought it.

I'm very good at research.

So I did immediately find his family.

It took me about a year to meet them 'cause I was a little apprehensive at that point because I had already kind of like gone through this and I was like a little like, God, now it's really like crazy.

And I think also there was like, you know, like my stepfather had two, had two children.

I always still looked at them very much like step siblings.

I would say my sister and my brother, but I don't think I have a mentally 100% connected with that whole thing.

There was always something and that's probably why it was stuck in my stomach.

And I had and then ended up bringing it up saying by now I had a second child.

You know, my, my daughter was born at that time and my daughter's got autism.

She's got cerebral palsy and she also has seizure disorder.

And we're taking her to the doctor and they're like asking us medical questions.

Are you Ashkenazi Jewish?

Are you, are you from any of the islands?

Are you this, you that, you know, they're asking us all these like nationality type questions, ethnicity, heritage, medical.

And like my ex-husband sitting there with like zero to say, you know, he's got nothing to add to the conversation.

And I'm just answering based on what I what I believed.

Like, yeah, I'm Irish and Italian.

I'm definitely not Ashkenazi Jewish.

I don't know anything about any of that, you know, kind of thing.

My ex-husband and I had broken up.

My daughter was born in 2006.

We broke up probably six months after she was born, and the divorce finalized a few years later.

But I did end up connecting with my biological, you know, father's family, now dad, three at that time.

And I became really, really close with his brother's two children.

Did they know about you or were you a surprise to them?

I was a surprise to them.

Right before I was born, my mother had lived in California for about a year.

So she supposedly had dated my dad #3 moved out to California to get away from like the neighborhood and like the kind of everything was kind of changing and there was a lot of drugs going around and she wanted to get away from it.

So she moved to California.

She had only come back from California to New York in like August or September of 74.

So they knew that she had dated him probably before she went to California.

I don't know.

I don't know how much is honestly true at this point, knowing what I know now, what she told me about that, because some of the stories don't add up Because I'm like, well, how did this happen?

Because you would have needed it, would it was something that happened so quickly, like you would have needed a cell phone or a pager.

And that wasn't happening in 1975.

You know, like for you to for someone to call and tell someone like, yeah, I'm here, come, I'm come now kind of thing, you know, like a lot of weird stories that just didn't add up.

And now I really, I really know that they didn't add up because the cousin that I'm so close with is the one who asked me to have my tray.

So when my cousin asked me to do the test, I was like, yeah, sure.

And I'll find out what kind of Italian I am, you know, I'm like, that's good, you know.

But again, like I knew he did it already.

So I don't know why I didn't ask him.

So anyway, I get my results back in August and I had seen the alert on my phone and only people that knew that I took them would my my now husband knew I took it.

My cousin knew I took it and my younger sister knew I took it.

And my younger sister kind of made a joke that her and her husband, you know, watch mommy's going to come back and not be your mother.

And I was like, what do you mean?

And she's like, oh, me and and her to my brother.

My my brother-in-law of my younger sister would have this joke that my mom had this like old painting in the house and and that they believed that she looked, this woman looked so much like me that they decided that my mother wasn't my mother.

So my sister was making like jokes about how my mom could possibly not be my mom.

So I was like, well, at this point that wouldn't be a bad one.

But that was like the worst thing.

Like at that point that we were expecting could happen, you know, like I, it never occurred to me anything.

So I got the little Ding that my results were in and I didn't even pay any attention to it.

I was like, I'm gonna wait till tomorrow when my husband's awake and I'll go over it with him, you know, kind of thing.

So I went and I took a shower, and it was about, like, 11:30 at night.

And I happened to notice that either my cousin had called, I think he texted or called or something.

I was like, oh, hey, are you awake?

And he was like, yeah.

So I was like, all right, call me.

So he called me.

And I was like, oh, I figured you were calling me about the DNA results.

And he's like, wait, you got your results?

And I'm like, yeah.

He's like, oh, I didn't get any notifications.

And I'm like, oh, but remember you said that your thing was private.

He's like, no, my tree's private, my ancestor, I've opened.

So I was like, oh, and he's like, all right, well, did you download the app?

I'm like, yeah.

So he was kind of like navigating it with me.

So we're on the phone and it's like 11/30, 12:00 by now.

I look and I see like one's like an initial and a colored dot.

Then I see a girl's face and they say first it's first cousins.

And I'm like, I don't know who these two are.

Then I see my mom's sister's daughter as my first cousin.

I'm like, OK, now I know that it's right.

But I'm like, but who are these two people?

So I'm like, you're not there.

And he's like, what do you mean?

I'm like, I don't know that you're you're not here.

You're not, you're not here.

And like, now I'm starting.

It's like it's brewing in me and I feel it.

It's like starting to happen.

And he's like, wait, go, go to your nationality.

And I'm like, OK, so the first thing that it says was Irish.

And then it did say a little tiny bit Scottish, but I, which I wasn't surprised about because my great grandmother was, they used to call them Irish.

Scott, Scott Irish was the term which meant that you are of some type of Scottish origin also.

So I wasn't surprised by seeing the Scottish.

But then all of a sudden I saw Spain and Portugal.

I was like, what the, what's this?

And he's like, what I'm like, it's, it's just Spain and Portugal.

He's like, at what percentage?

And it was like a pretty high percentage.

He's like, keep going, keep going.

Now I'm going, it's like Congo this that.

Now I think I'm at this point, I'm crying and I think I'm saying over and over and over, I'm not Italian.

I'm not Italian, I'm not Italian.

And he's going what?

I'm like I'm not Italian and then he goes go to the very ends it it says what your like what your actual community is.

So I go to the very ends and it said Irish and Puerto Rican.

I'm so sorry.

Like I the way you describe it, it really just, it paints a picture.

Yeah.

'Cause now I was like, everything's a lie, everyone knows, everyone knows, and this has just been a big lie because now all of a sudden it clicked in my brain.

My mother used to make this joke with her best friends, who I called aunt, by the way, that I was so dark.

I must have been the Puerto Rican girl in the bed next to hers, baby.

Oh wow.

And like all of a sudden it was occurring to me that this wasn't a joke on me being like the dark little baby.

This was like some best friend inside joke.

Joke that I clearly was not in on 'cause my best friend's my best friend since I'm in 7th grade too.

So I know that kind of relationship, you know what I mean?

I just felt like everybody knew.

So I immediately called my older sister and she just cried.

She's like, I cannot believe that she did this to you.

So she didn't know this.

She did not know that I immediately started texting people.

I just went wild.

You messaging people like crazy.

They said, well, if you're related to those people, then then you're probably this person's granddaughter.

But she's not alive, but I believe all of her children are.

But she killed herself.

And all of a sudden I got really nervous because my mom had told me a story that my uncle, who would have been my sister, my oldest sister's dad, that he had had a, had a baby with this woman.

But my mom didn't know what happened to the baby, but they broke up and she killed herself.

So like all of a sudden I had this like, Oh my God.

And I said to her, like, would you do the test?

And I told her the story.

And she's like, how come I've never heard that story?

And I'm like, I don't know.

I'm like, but I know this story.

I'm like, maybe we're really sisters and since she took you, it would would it be a hard idea?

Maybe she just goes around taking her brother's kids and she was like, no, I'm not, I can't go through this.

She's like, and as far as I'm concerned, we're sisters no matter what.

I don't need a test to set up for you to be my sister.

She's like, but I don't, I don't, I'm not doing it.

Like I don't know what can come out from my dad.

I'm not, I don't want it.

And she did not want any part of it.

So at this.

Point You are thinking potentially that you are your uncle's dog.

You're thinking that maybe your mom is not your mom and she.

Took you in because my sister had said what she said and now I'm thinking like maybe she knew something that I didn't know.

It's a big joke on me at this point.

But what ended up happening was I I connected with one of the girls who put me in contact with one because they were it turned out to be that there was it was a large family.

I believe there was like 6 kids but then they were like also halves because my grandfather had had kids before he married my grandmother and he had kids after.

But from that set with my grandmother, I ended up connecting with my uncle and he took the test because at that point I had also found the older brother on Facebook.

And I messaged him and said, listen, I think either you or your brother or my dad, can you just tell me?

And like, that's all I just, I just want an answer and then I'll be like, we'll be done with this.

Like, I was very cut and dry.

I didn't want any part of anything anymore.

I was just over everybody.

And I also was needed to know the full story before I was ever going to approach my mother because I wasn't going to let her get me this time with one of her like fast slick stories, you know?

So I got all the information.

The brother did the test.

So by the time the results came back, it was like September and it came back uncle.

So now I knew for sure which one was my dad.

I did write him back like I know for sure it's you.

I just want medical information and that's it.

But he didn't respond to my Facebook request and he had like hit cancel on my friend request because at that point his sister had told him that something was going on.

I find his high school yearbook picture and and there was like it was just a darker version of my son.

Legitimately my twin.

How did it feel to like to finally see that genetic mirroring?

It was just wild to me, you know?

I felt like I was looking at my own face for the first time.

But the worst part of it all was to find out that he had been alive the whole time.

I did bring the pictures, though, to my mom at that point.

And I said to her, because I'm thinking to myself, like, why would someone lie about all this like this much and go to like these deranged methods to keep this secret?

I like had this moment of like grace, 'cause I was like, maybe there was something happens.

Like at that time the neighborhood wasn't like that great.

I'm like, was she assaulted or something?

And that's why she kept it a secret.

So I gave her that.

Like I said to her, hey, you know, I was building a tree.

She's like, oh, yeah, that's nice.

I said, yeah, I took ancestry DNA and like, you could see her start, like, moving in the chair a little bit.

And I was like, do you want to know what else is really crazy?

She was like, what?

And I was like, I'm Puerto Rican.

She just looked at me like, blank.

And I was like, oh, you mean you didn't know She goes.

Who told you that?

Didn't say anything else.

It was like the that, that was the way she said.

It was like my confirmation that she knew because she didn't say how did you like, why would you think that?

Like she didn't say no, you're not, she said.

What are you thinking at this point?

I mean, this is a lot.

I am 45 years old, and this woman has been lying to me over and over for 40 years because at that point, I had been asking for 40 years.

I said, before I go any further down this road, just tell me if someone hurt you, if someone did something to you, I'll drop it.

Like, we'll just end this whole thing right now.

So in that moment, she could have ended it.

I would have.

I swear to God.

I would have never looked any further.

She looked at me like horror, like nothing happened to me.

Like, as if.

Like, Like, how could I even possibly think that?

So I was like, OK, And then she just looked at me and she was like, yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, though.

And it was in that moment that I was like, she was like graving it.

At that moment, I knew she was absolutely not going to say anything more.

And she didn't.

She actually forbid her best friend who I called aunt, who I used to talk to all the time.

She actually said to her, she has her own best friend.

You're not allowed to talk to her anymore.

And my aunt has never spoken to me again, so I think she really it to me.

It's like she definitely didn't want me to find out anything more than than what she was willing to give up information wise at that point.

About 3 months, two to three months after I after I took the test, my biological father called me for the first time.

The Call

And it was so surreal and so weird.

But the thing that was really crazy to me was that there was like nothing wrong with this person.

He was a police officer who was retired.

He said to me, if your mom would have told me she was pregnant, I would have married her.

He timed the first phone call like pretty well so that we weren't on the phone too long.

It was only about 20 minute conversation.

So it was like a very brief conversation that he could decide if he wanted to speak to me again because that's remember he's a cop.

So he's feeling me out.

At that point.

I found out that he also had taken Ancestry DNA.

What was interesting was that he, him and his wife kind of who he had a daughter with, kind of had like a joke, like him saying don't be surprised if like a kid comes up or something like that.

She's his like third wife and only one that he that he had had a child with.

And I was like, why did he take it?

And why did he not tell his wife for two months that a child popped up if they had all these jokes about having a baby?

And then he sent me a picture and the picture was of of my aunt with his dog.

And his dog was a Harlequin great Dean, which is pretty like unpopular, you know, dog.

So I said to him, how many people in Brooklyn had that kind of dog?

And he was like, why?

I said because when I was with my grandmother out walking, I met that dog.

And I always remember saying that I wanted a horse dog that looked like a cow because it was black and white big dog.

The more I spoke to him, I met his dog.

I got my first haircut where he got his haircut.

He lived literally right down the block from my grandmother, but it was like his wife.

She freaked out completely.

And what was interesting was that once she freaked out, he completely started saying that he didn't know anything about my mom.

Like, all of a sudden he started going like, yeah, I wish I could remember.

I wish I could remember.

And it started driving me so crazy that I felt like I was like, asking people, like, if you slept with a redhead, would you remember?

Because it just seems so odd to me, especially like a 510 redhead.

I just, I guess I couldn't wrap my head around like how you could say you don't remember a giant redhead.

I mean, maybe I'm crazy.

I don't.

Maybe I am.

I feel crazy.

Well, and it's hard to tell sometimes because there's so many decades in between that it's like, maybe you forget.

But yeah, I totally understand what you're saying.

And, and like I said, I did really feel like he accepted me so quickly for somebody that was a cop, you know what I mean?

He did do this test, like it made me wonder, like, did he remember seeing me when I was little?

But also I feel like at this point, my name is not allowed to be spoken.

I'm not allowed anywhere near his house.

He has his daughter, so I have a sister with him.

If my sister, which had happened, she called him one day and her mother was in the car and she went berserk when she said my name.

I was like, wow, like so people call you, they have to like ask you now if you're in the car with her, what's going on?

Like it just like seems really crazy.

I've met him in person now he calls me all the time.

We are so much alike that it's insane.

Like our personalities, the way we think.

Like sometimes we finish each other's sentences or say stuff at the same time that he said to me, I cannot believe how much we're alike.

And I didn't even have a hands in raising you.

But I feel like as long as he's not going to say anything.

And then his wife had gone on vacation and we were having this conversation and he said something about like truth and lying and omission type type conversation.

And in it he kind of said that he's not a liar, but if something needs to be omitted, then he'll omit it.

And I was sort of wondering to myself if that was his way of telling me he was omitting for the greater good of, like, the fact that, you know, he's married 30 years.

This woman was like basically telling him he had to make a choice.

How do, how do you feel?

Because it's kind of interesting, like you have, this sounds like a pretty good relationship with him.

I feel like I have a great relationship with him, but on some level I also feel like I have a toxic boyfriend that's cheating on me with like somebody like it's like so crazy.

Like I'm like, I feel like I'm like on some level I have this great relationship with my dad, but then on this other level, I feel like I'm in a toxic relationship like because I'm like, he hasn't fully stood up, you know, to his his wife.

Is it a good relationship or is it is it unhealthy for me like at this point?

Because like, now I've gone and I ended up completely moving from New York because my mother progressively got so angry that I like, I found out her story that she was so cruel and mean to me that I started also putting stuff together.

Like even when I was younger, like my first boyfriend had been Puerto Rican and Irish and she was always so negative about it.

And his mother's maiden name was the same as hers.

And I remember having like a whole Q&A to like prove out that they weren't family.

And I thought it was like weird.

But then I was like, now I feel like looking back, I'm like, oh, it was she was probably trying to make sure I wasn't cousins with my boyfriend.

I actually said to her, like, do you realize how sick this is?

Like what if I would have had a relationship with someone and found out that I was related to them?

Why do you think she was so hesitant to tell you the truth about your paternity?

The.

Only thing that I can think of is the neighborhood that that my mom was from was definitely like a like racially charged type neighborhood.

You know, like everybody stayed with their own.

You didn't typically marry outside of your race even like her marrying Italian or my aunt marrying Italian at first wasn't like super highly taken by like my Irish grandparents kind of thing.

And also, at the time of my birth, my dad would have already been a police officer.

So with the Italians, it wouldn't have been popular for my mother to be with a cop either.

So I guess I've just come up with this version of the story in my head that it was unpopular.

So it was either because of the Puerto Rican or it was because he was a cop.

Because again, she did get so nasty with me when she called me.

She even called me a derogatory name one day, which was like the final straw for me.

Oh wow, how do you feel about finding out that you're Puerto Rican after?

Finding Out I'm Puerto Rican

It sounds like you had an attachment to your Italian heritage and your Irish heritage.

I felt like a fraud all of a sudden, like because I considered myself so traditional Feast of the Seven Fishes and you cook your lasagna and you make your sundae sauce and you do this and you do that.

Like I felt like I was a very traditional Italian girl.

Like if someone said what nationality are you?

I was Italian and Irish.

I was always, you know, like I never said what my like a lot of people will say what their mother is before.

Like first I was always I'm Italian and Irish, you know.

So I think like for me, it was more about it being like, I felt like at that point I was just stripped of everything.

Like that was just my whole identity.

And then I get again, like I did feel a little bit like like a fraud in some level.

And then I was so curious because again, being so traditional, I was like, what did, what do they do for Christmas?

What do they do for the holidays?

Like is there something special?

And again, I cook multicultural food, like all types of different things.

And I guess like all of a sudden I became so like hyper focused on like, what is it to be Puerto Rican?

But I know it sounds so crazy.

No, it doesn't.

It doesn't at all.

And so how have you made connections with that part of yourself?

My aunt will send me recipes, my dad gave me his coquito recipe.

I definitely do admit to like I definitely tortured my mother after that and like coquito is like the signature drink of every meal that I made.

Just like shove that heart.

It just was like you, you've done this to me.

And I I know like I'm not, I'm not even saying that Like it was like like something not thought out, like I knew every time, like my daughter Sweet 16 was legitimately Italian food and basically like Spanish.

Food and how long has it been now since you last spoke to your mother?

The Journey to Healing

So I spoke to her for two years after and then in 22 I moved out of state.

I moved in August and we were not speaking anymore by October.

Where would you say that you are now on your journey?

I actually spoke to my sister about this over Easter because my sister came to my house, my older sister, my I said, my older sister said if she would have just admitted the truth in that moment, you would have done what you always do.

You would have been like, OK, thanks for the truth.

And you would have been she goes, you'd still be talking to her to this day.

You can't handle that.

She won't admit the truth to you.

You have been so truth driven that that's what your issue is.

And I, and when she said it, I was like, yeah, I guess that's true.

Even when I say about my dad, like, I think that lingering feeling of is he telling me the whole story of what he does now?

Am I going to start to feel like he is lying to me?

Obviously, I didn't feel like he was on the hook because the one thing I did believe always was I do believe that he didn't know he had a daughter.

But now I'm kind of like, but did he know her?

How much of this is true?

How much of this isn't?

So I think in my journey, there's still a huge part of me that just wants the truth, whatever it is at this point.

I I mean, at this point she was drunk driving and I arrested her and I and we met and it, but it didn't last long.

Like I don't know, like he could say anything at this point and I would be OK with it even if he said to me, all right, fine.

I know.

Like it was a one night stand.

I knew her.

That makes sense.

I mean, you have been lied to at least three times just about who your father is.

So it would totally make sense that you have trust issues and that there's something still there and that you're able to kind of sense it.

And I think that's really hard for me because I'm like, am I going to be able to accept that there's the potential that he's lying to me and still have an authentic relationship with him?

I don't know if I'm that person.

Well, I think authenticity is one of the most important parts of a relationship, right?

So that makes sense.

And I think like that also is about like me even coming to terms with like who I am.

Like my my mom's big thing was like if I was going to tell people that I was Puerto Rican, she made like a big deal about it.

And I remember saying like, if I'm having a conversation with people and I want to say that I'm Puerto Rican, that's my right.

I have to start taking away the things that I didn't like about how I was raised.

But I have to also make sure to not let this affect how I'm raising my children in like not to let it steal my joy.

Where like my kids see this like miserable person on some level because I did start to feel very like definitely very angry at some at there was a point that I was very angry.

I think that's part of the normal process.

Yeah, because I guess that was probably maybe like a mourning process.

But then like I did speak to like my birth certificate dad and he was so supportive of me with it and but yet so upset because it turned out he didn't know anything.

Like he really legitimately met this, met this woman and was like, I'm going to adopt her baby and she's my baby now.

And that's it.

And that was like literally how he viewed it.

And he just decided that he was my dad and he never asked anything.

So this has even been crazy to him.

You know, his sister called me and was like, I cannot believe that she did this to you.

Everybody cannot believe that that this happened as many times like that.

And the fact that she's just OK with not seeing or speaking.

Like it's one thing you're OK with not seeing or speaking to me, but you literally just ditched your grandchildren.

Like she doesn't call, call the kids.

Like, you know, it's just so weird to me.

Like you're so OK with this lie and keeping this secret because all you have to do is tell the truth.

I don't know how open to her I would be, but I'm not saying that I would be completely closed, but maybe I would be open to to hearing the truth, but I need to hear the truth.

Like I can't have a relationship with somebody that's going to lie to me.

Yeah, I I really hope that you get that.

What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child?

Advice for parents who are keeping adna a secret

I think that they need to own it.

They just have to own it because there are so many people, just medical reasons.

Everything that I found out through my own.

And again I ended up making my ex-husband do it to find out who he was.

Which by the way, he ended up being Ashkenazi Jewish which explains my daughter seizures.

I think you have to really realize that at the end of the day, people have a right to know who they are medically and and just as a whole.

And I understand that people want to keep a secret and maybe, you know, it's their pride sometimes keeping it from them.

But these things are coming out left and right.

And I think people need to realize that that someone someday it's going to it's going to come out whether they're pregnant and they do with their own DNA testing or something.

I just feel like somehow, someway more and more and more people are finding out this is becoming the more of the norm than it is where you're shocked to hear, Oh my God, you're at Adna supply.

No, this is happening so often that like I said in my own circle, it's happening more and more and more.

Just do it.

Make get ahead of it.

Get ahead of it before the person takes the test and hates you, before your child goes no contact with you because of you doing this.

Just get ahead of it.

Now, if you adopted them and you and you did it with all good reasons, just tell them they're adopted.

You know what I mean?

If donor like donor conceived, same thing.

My ex-husband never had a problem because he was always told he was adopted.

So I think that that also showed to me a big difference and that's why I feel the way that I do.

What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise?

Advice for someone who just uncovered adna surprise

Give it two days before you start messaging people like a crazy person in the middle of the.

Night.

Yeah, I think they need to sit with it.

And I think they need to realize that they are going to, you're going to feel crazy, you're going to feel lost, you're going to mourn the things that you thought you were.

And it's also OK to to turn around and accept it.

And I think that that's the biggest thing.

Sit with it for a minute and then own it and then know that they'll eventually be OK.

They'll find their way through it.

And sometimes you don't always get the answers.

You know, sometimes the parent ends up being passed away, but I think you have to just go through it and allow yourself to go through every emotion that you are feeling.

That's great advice, Jessica, Thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

When you emailed me, I just, my mind was blown.

I have not talked to somebody who's been through it as many times as you have, and so I really appreciate you coming on and talking about your journey.

I hope that you are able to get a little bit closer to your biological father.

And I also hope that your mom maybe comes around and takes a look at maybe some of her shame and is more willing to talk to you about it.

Yeah, I I definitely want that too.

Thanks again to Jessica for sharing her story.

If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprisespodcast.com.

Until next time, this episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced, and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.