Lisa S’ DNA Surprise

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Speaker 1

The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and isolating, but you're not alone and there is hope connection and Community are powerful tools as we process.

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Learn more at DNA surprise retreat.com when my daughter would sneeze, she had a sneeze that no one else had and I thought that's just so weird.

So upon finding out my my DNA MBE.

I asked my my leaf houses her like you know my girls sneeze like this because oh yeah that's dad sneeze.

I'm like there it is.

Wow, so much is making sense.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who is experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

This podcast shares the journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP, he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is

In this week's episode, Lisa reveals how her DNA test uncovered, not one, not two, but three and bees and her family.

She shares, how her npe status, affected her childhood before she even knew.

Lisa also shares the positive aspects of connecting with her Newfound family.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Speaker 2

Lisa.

My name is Lisa.

I am.

Well, I'll be 59 on Friday, happy birthday, and I am from Southern California.

The reason I did my DNA, what?

I had no intention.

I had no question, I had no suspicions, but one of my maternal cousins did herc's.

She called me and said, I'm not matching with With this side of the family.

And my response was, oh, you're definitely part of his family because you look like someone so daughter looks like, so, and so, so our parents were siblings, so I said to her, I will do the test to prove it.

Well, my tests revealed to MP, he's her father, all of a sudden was not my mother's full sibling, but now My mother's half-sibling.

Now, all parties have since passed so when we discovered that her father was not our grandfathers something else struck me as odd.

I said, wait a minute, I have matches on my paternal side that I have no idea who they are.

Wow.

So going to your cousin, was it your your mother or her brother that was the npe in this situation,

her brother, her brother has its

bottom.

Okay.

Alright.

Yeah.

So now, if we had that bombshell and then I had my own bombshell that my dad that raised me was that my dad and I never suspected.

Never in a million years.

The funny thing was there was a girl around the corner that I used to play with in grade school and I always thought we look alike.

We are half Japanese that we would have the Japanese festivals.

And when we would have those festivals, one of my paternal cousins would always say, hey, there's that girl, that looks like you.

Oh, my goodness and I go, yeah, I know.

We look

alike, huh, and so, did you think that you just Looked alike because we were both half Japanese and

so what I figured is a

child.

Okay,

you know, as a child, I just thought, okay, I guess that's what half-japanese look like.

I don't know.

Right.

But look a lot alike.

So, um, I went through my paternal matches and I reached out to one and I I said, I don't know how we're related, but his last name was this.

Same last name as the girl around the corner.

So I asked him.

Did your family live on this street?

He said, yes, they still do and I went, oh, I used to play with a girl on that street.

He said, oh yeah, that's my auntie, I went what, what so he put me in touch with her.

She picked up the phone and she called me.

She said, I've always wanted to accept her and I'm like, well, She says, I'm going to do my DNA, just to make sure to confirm as she says.

Boy, it sure.

Sounds like we are

so she was very welcoming and excited about it.

Very excited, very excited.

And to this day she and I have become very, very close.

We're in different states and I have gone to reunite with her earlier this year.

And meet my new knee is well, she's new to me but she's 18.

And her husband.

So, yeah.

It's been a positive experience in that respect and she actually just send me flowers for my birthday yesterday.

So, yeah, we have become very close as close as you can, you know, living in different states.

Did you have any idea that your mother knew your father your biological

father?

Well, I remember my biological As a child, we were all part of the same Japanese community.

And I remember my biological paternal grandfather.

He used to play the drums at our local of bone festivals, and I always was just enthralled with him.

And in hindsight it makes sense.

I used to just love watching him, play the drums and it all makes sense, you know?

When my grandson was born, he had these ears that no one else had.

And I'm thinking, where did he get those ears?

Now, I know there's pieces of the puzzle that I never knew were missing.

Are now coming together.

You

took your DNA test, when how long, how long has it been?

I took it in.

I received my results in April of

2019.

Were you, were you able to confront anyone your birth certificate?

Father, your mother,

what had passed?

Everyone had passed now.

There there is one living sibling of my paternal.

Father, when he found out he lives 90 miles away, he put his daughter and his granddaughter in the car and drove to meet me my daughter and my granddaughter.

So that meant the world to me.

Wow, so I met a new cousin and her daughter and to this day she and I continue to do that.

Things together with the kids.

It's it's been, you know, I can't say everything's been positive but it's been overall, positive

going back to when you first found out, what was your reaction?

I mean, it seems like now you've, I can tell that you've made a lot of peace with it and you have a positive relationship with your with your newfound family.

But what was the initial

response?

My head was spinning for months.

Just I had a lot of reflection a lot of reflection because growing up I never felt like I fit in the family.

I was raised with and ironically when my grant when my daughter was in junior high she said the same thing to me and I never said a thing to her.

She said, Mom, I don't feel like I fit and I looked very sad.

You feel that too?

So there was a lot of reflection of why I felt like I was never treated.

Like, I felt like I should be, I always felt like I was treated like an outsider, I was never given hugs.

I was never told I was loved, but ironically my paternal fogger and my birth certificate.

Father, knew each other, my paternal father hung out with my birth certificates,

okay?

So they were friends,

they were friends and in my biological.

Uncle would also come with my paternal.

Father is so I remember them, remember the visiting and we oh, I oh, I love seeing them.

I remember his laugh and so when I was talking to my newfound sister, I told her I said your dad used to come visit all the time.

I remember him and Uncle very well she goes they did I didn't even know they hung out together.

My goodness, do you think that your birth certificate?

Either knew or suspected, or do you think that your mom knew or

suspected?

My mom has since left?

She was a drug addict and alcoholic.

So, no, I don't think she suspected.

I don't even think, I don't know.

Because like I said, she, everyone was his fastest but my birth certificate, father, he may have suspected because of the way I was treated, I was never treated wood.

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that that's terrible.

And no child should have to experience that.

Were you the oldest middle?

Youngest, what was your birth order?

I had an older brother who looked like everyone in that family.

I was the second child and then I have a biological full-blooded sister younger than me.

And when I say full-blooded, she has not done her DNA, but we look like twins all growing up.

So you think that

she's potentially your biological father's daughter as

well.

I have no doubt.

We have pictures where we can't tell each other apart, so there's no doubt in my mind but she and I do not speak.

So I communicated through and see, how do I put this?

So, my birth certificate, Your father, had three of us during his first marriage.

My older brother me, and my younger sister.

Then he had two children from another woman that are 30 years younger than me.

He will then either they're younger than my kids.

So he had a boy and a girl from that from her.

I now call them my not brother, not sister, but we're still close.

Yeah, yeah, her name is Joanne, Joanne.

Whoa.

So I commuted through can be communicated through Joanna that to let my full biological sister know the truth every time Joanna, would say something she got crickets.

So that other person is in denial, which is typical of her.

But it is what it is.

Did you tell everyone when you found out, like, who did you?

You did.

Okay, and I'm just curious.

What, what made you decide to just tell everyone after your results because it seems so varied.

Some people keep it a secret once they find out.

So why did you tell

everyone?

I am a person of truth.

I am an open book and it just like I said all parties that past had, they not past, it would have been, I would have given more thought to it, maybe approached it differently.

So I picked up the phone and the first person I called was one of my birth certificate father's brother.

And I grew up with his kids, we were at his house and we were very, you know, we grew up together.

So I called him.

And he said, are you telling me that you are not my brother's child and I go?

Yep, he's it.

That doesn't matter.

You're still my knees.

I said we can't change the memory is we had nothing can ever take that away, right?

It was it was quite a shock to the aunties and uncles that I, you know had told but it was something I felt needed.

I just I like I said I'm about truce and that was something that again because they had passed.

I felt no problem mentioning It's, it's very surreal, very surreal because, you know, I think about the aunties and uncles, that have passed one, Auntie and Uncle in particular, my uncle was at their house every Friday playing poker.

Did they know?

Those are questions.

I'll never know, they were answers.

All never know.

But those are things that run through my mind.

Someone had to know because we didn't look like anyone.

In the birth certificate families site.

We all they all ran in the same circles because we were all part of the same community.

So, yeah, I think, I think the older ones new and what's ironic is that when I told one of my maternal cousins.

So, my mom left.

So, I did not know.

My maternal side until I was 18.

So when I told my cousin, she looked at me and she said, So, you weren't raised by any biological family.

And I looked at her and went, wow, you're right.

Yeah, I mean there's a mind-blower.

Just the the impact of that on you growing up, like you said, you were treated differently and then to look back and realize that there wasn't a biological tie, there's got to be heavy.

It was quite a revelation,

something I've heard and bees talk about is sort of that that grieving process.

Did you experience that?

You know, did you feel angry at some point after you found

out?

No, he met my mom when I was 18 and I only knew her for five years before she passed.

When she was sober.

She was a very happy-go-lucky person.

My birth certificate.

Father was the complete opposite.

He was, he was, you know?

He he resented me and I think at one point he actually told me he wished he didn't have kids.

So Again there was there was no love there was there was he never went into any school functions, there was a big disconnect.

Now my my biological father on the other hand was always laughing.

He was happy.

And and you know, I thought I don't play mom.

She was very attracted to him because he was a happy-go-lucky person.

He was just always happy and laughing and smiling.

And And my birthday if I was completely opposite.

So, no, I had absolutely no resentment.

And I told someone, at one point I said, you know what, I don't blame her for what she did.

I can see why she did it and it was obviously an ongoing affair because there's two of us from him,

right?

So, was he was your biological father, also married, yes.

And

no, he was, he was quite the player I do.

No, of he was married during the time of my conception because my half sister, and I are five years apart.

She's five years younger than me.

However, I have a half brother.

Who is I think a year older than me?

And I haven't connected with him, but I've connected with his ex-wife and we got on the phone and chitchat and laughed and turns out I went to high school with him.

I pulled out my yearbook took a snapshot of each of our pictures sent them to her and she said, good God, how could anyone not know you're related.

Wow again it was one of those things that oh I guess this is what half Japanese people look like.

Well, right and believe what we're told, right.

So I'm right.

Had any suspicions?

Or somebody told you something?

Lee.

How would you guess that?

Yeah,

exactly.

And and I joke, I go.

Oh, good thing I didn't date

him.

I kind of thought that as we were telling the story I was like, where's this gonna go?

Yeah, you never know.

Ryan never know, right?

But and their stories about that as well.

But okay, this story gets really convoluted so he had I think.

Yeah, so that half brother.

There was also another one who had sins past upon my Discovery.

They were full-blooded Brothers, the first one that pain that his sins past was given up for adoption.

Mmm,

the second one that kept okay.

Or was it the other way around?

Because the mother of those two boys was single when the first one was born but married when the second one was born.

Was the other way around.

The first one was kept at the second.

One was given up for adoption.

Yeah, yeah.

So upon so.

So once I found my my npe I started really delving into ancestry.

I bought a membership started building my tree, starting correcting my tree.

So the be half sister, I will the sister.

I mentioned earlier that is now not my sister Joanna, mmm-hmm,

She and I

share a cousin through DNA.

Wow!

Come to find out my paternal grandmother birth certificate, her brother married, one of my biological great ass.

So she went from like my birth certificate grandmother to my great, aunt by marriage.

The world is so small,

it really.

Really, really is in addition to that earlier this year.

I came to realize that there were no names from my mother's maiden name.

I had no matches for my mother's maiden name and I thought okay wait something doesn't make sense either so I made a list of the surnames that I had the most matches and I thought okay something's Not right here.

I started looking at all my common matches.

A third cousin popped that it had the same last name as my great aunt's husband.

At the third cousin.

Yes.

Third cousin.

Come to find out.

My maternal grandmother was also in PE.

Oh my

gosh, my great-grandmother had an affair with her brother-in-law.

So you have

3np, he's on the maternal side that you know of

yes, wow, so I had been communicating with one of the cousins that I connected with your DNA on that.

So, I changed my tree to reflect the property, an A and she wrote to me and she says, your grandmother was not married to James, my grandmother was and A know.

I know and I haven't heard from her since boy, okay.

Skeleton.

Um, yeah.

So what was the

reaction?

You kind of touched on some of your family and it's been really positive, how has the reaction been consistently positive?

Or I know you mentioned a brother that you haven't had a chance to talk to you.

Is there any reason why you haven't spoken to

him?

Well, I asked my sister about that Jesus.

You know, he's just Just kind of met and I asked her.

I said, well, let me ask you this.

If I was, if I went to Texas and walked in the same room as him, how do you think he would react?

She said, oh, he would totally accept you.

Okay, he's not one to reach out.

Now, here's another funny thing.

His son could pass as my grandson's twin.

Wow, I put together a collage of four of them, two of each.

If you didn't know better you'd think it was the same person

that's so wild.

Yeah, that was pretty interesting.

Now, my mother sister who's still alive.

She's in denial when I talk because when I first did my test, my mother was I was told that they were have German and half Irish when I got my results.

I was only 6 percent French and German combined.

So I called my aunt and I said, if you're half German, I should be 12%.

She's oh yeah.

There were from Germany and they speak German and that is, it is his before I realized that there were no surname attaches and I'm like, well, that doesn't make sense.

Why do I not have that much German?

Oh, we're German.

I don't believe in that DNA stuff and I went.

We won't have this discussion with you anymore.

And then when I found out that my grandmother wasn't @b e.

That explained

what did your aunt say about you having a different biological father?

Did she believe that or did she deny

it?

She kind of made up excuses because my mother was an alcoholic and her response was you know she might have been raped, she wasn't always sober and I said, I don't think that went on for two years because there's two of us for help,

So

she's Kind of in denial and you know everyone has different reactions.

You just kind of have to accept them where they are.

Yeah, what what has helped you along your journey.

You talked about kind of diving into ancestry and putting your tree together.

Has that been helpful for you, kind of healing and, and putting some pieces together

that has been very therapeutic for me.

So, you know, when The because the pandemic hit right after I found out, so that was very therapeutic.

So I was able to spend the time at home to get answers.

The other thing that helped me was, I went on to Facebook to find a support group and I thought well if one doesn't exist, I'm going to make it 001 existed very much so much and I realized that I wasn't alone and being able to make Nationals through this.

Porter has been huge, huge in and even during while I'm in these support groups I'm finding my personal friends coming in there with.

Hey, what's your story?

Wow, you've met, you've seen

people that you actually know in real life.

And in one of them, I was just a phone with two days ago.

I've known her for 20 years and she's she's I met her.

Through work and we become personal friends through the years.

She and you might want her number.

She has discovered six half-siblings from her father.

Wow, she is she's connected with every single one of them.

Well, that's God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Another one of my friends found out about a daughter that he never knew he had, and he welcomed her with open arms.

So it's nice to See it when we end up in this group and we realize that we're in the same boat is like, oh my gosh, you two.

So that's how the law that has helped tremendously.

I agree.

The Facebook groups have been just so instrumental and just realizing okay because I didn't even know it was a thing before I took my test, you know I've never even considered really that it was a possibility.

Same as

you exactly.

It's It's not until you experience it and your head spinning and going.

Wait, what?

What?

This is a whole new world and it really is.

Yeah, it really is.

What questions do you have for your, your mother, your birth certificate?

Father, and your biological father, I know that, you know, you can't ask them those questions today, but what lingers for you?

Who knew who knew that?

That is a question that is constantly on my mind.

Who knew did anyone know they had to know?

I'm convinced they all knew what.

Not my mom, not my mom because she left, but I'm convinced that both men knew and that my late, aunt and uncle who hung out with them.

They knew and I believe my birth certificate.

Father, grandmother also knew.

How does that make you feel?

When you think about

everyone knowing that you named?

Well, I always felt looked down upon.

I always felt like, people looked at me with pity, no one ever said anything, but that's how I felt.

And so, in hindsight, I believe that they knew but no one could say anything because my dad was married.

So It's not like he could say oh these are your kids here.

Take them because we didn't have DNA back then.

Hmm.

So he was

I feel like he felt like he was stuck with me.

That's how I feel.

Yeah, that's so hard years out from your Discovery.

Where are you at now in the journey emotionally, you know, how do you feel day today?

And the reason I'm asking is, you know, for me it's Only been about six months, and I think a lot of the people listening or relatively new into their Journey.

So how is it, you know, a couple of years in

It is.

What's the word?

I'm trying to think of it is comforting.

I feel comfortable in my own skin.

I know who I am.

I know where I come from.

I immediately told my adult children, my grandchildren have been told the truth, the older ones.

Now, the younger ones, because the younger ones, don't know anything better.

But I want them to know where they came from because, you know, medical history is very important.

So, I now have my proper medical history, things are starting to make sense.

Now, were, you know, in my younger years, things didn't make sense.

And I was always question why?

I don't understand ways like this and now it makes sense.

So I feel I like Like that.

My kids now know their true Heritage.

We are now connected with our biological family and now our children can know each other and connect and go forward.

Yeah, that's wonderful on that note.

What do you hope for for the future with your biological family with your birth certificate family?

what I hope for the future now is now that we know the truth and our heritage is that for the younger generations to be able to connect and know their true medical history and they're in there and where they're from, we have I have a cousin in Louisiana that I've connected with and now I'm getting to know through online my other little cousins and my their children and in it's my hope that One day we can have a big reunions.

That's what I would really like.

Because I tell people go to your family reunions, you need to know where you come from and who your cousins are?

Because you do you hear stories about people, that don't know their family and they end up marrying their cousins unknowingly.

So it's important to know who your family is, what your what your medical history is and where you're from, and to be able to pass that on to Generations.

What advice would you give to a parent who might be?

Keeping a DNA surprise from their

child?

Tell the truth.

They deserve to know where they came from.

Good bad different ugly.

They deserve to know the truth because I don't feel like I was deceived because everyone had since passed.

So I really I don't feel like I was deceived but I'm glad I know that truth, if who I am because if you know I hear so many stories of the people In the in my in my support group.

Why don't I look like anyone?

How come I don't act like anyone and they're constantly questioning themselves whereas if they were told the truth they would understand why they were different.

And what advice would you give to someone who just discovered that they are in NP e or found a DNA?

Surprise the opposite of what?

Because being in the support group for a couple years now, I hear very many different stories and angles and situations, so not knowing what each person's situation is.

I really can't answer that question.

That's fair.

That's totally fair.

Well, Lisa thank you

so much for your time and sharing your story.

It was really wonderful to hear the perspective of someone who's a couple of years out.

And the words that you said about kind of having a sense of comfort, now

really made me feel

good, so I hope that they make other people feel good when they listen.

So thank you very much.

Thank you Alexis.

I look forward to hearing your story.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

Lisa, if you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

And if you haven't yet, please rate, review And subscribe to the podcast on Apple podcasts and Spotify.

Until next time.