Sam’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and isolating, but you're not alone and there is hope connection and Community are powerful tools as we process.

And he'll DNA surprise Network and DNA surprises podcast are proud to host.

The first ever DNA, surprise Retreat May for through the 7th 2023 and Tucson Arizona.

Join Us for four days of healing, including expert-led sessions delicious meals and fun time together that will help us integrate our DNA surprises and Lead, happier more fulfilling lives.

If you've been looking for space to learn grow and heal, this is your sign.

Registration is open.

Learn more at DNA surprise retreat.com

Speaker 2

You know his, I mean his wife talks about how they, they did search me and he you know, did want to know, you know, know me and have a relationship with me but I would I would love to hear that from him, you know?

Yeah.

Just because that wasn't a feeling I ever got from my rice dad or my mom and something, I long for just to hear parents say

that imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA and unknowingly turning Life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021 I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who is experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA.

DNA testing, we're telling the stories of NP.

He's adoptees and donor conceived people, and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Welcome to the season 4 finale of DNA surprises.

One of the things I've observed throughout my conversations with in this community is that npes often explained away confusing details about their conception or birth stories, because we trust our parents.

We believe what we're told in this week's episode Sam explains how she always felt different from her sisters and raised, father, but trusted what her mother told her eventually she uncovers a mystery with multiple possible, biological fathers.

Sam shares.

How she found her?

Biological father's identity and how she's connecting with her Newfound family, even though he died, just 18 months before, she identified him at the end of this episode Sam.

Joins me for an update on how her journey is going.

So stay tuned.

Thank you for sharing your story,

Sam.

My name is Sam.

I'm 33.

I currently live in Northeast Tennessee, but I'm originally from Michigan.

So growing up in my house.

There is my Mom the man who turned out to be my race, dad, me then, 18 months for me is my sister, Jamie.

And then 18 months after her as my sister, Terry.

So there's three of us.

Girls, really close in age, like me and Terrier, almost three years apart, exactly.

And Jamie Terry always share a room.

People always said they look like each other and fuse them for each other and just we're super close.

And at times it was nice having my own room being the oldest.

But at times I, Definitely felt left out and different.

And then, the other part of that was, is I actually had a different last name than them.

I had my mom's maiden last name, they both had our raised, my rice dad's name and I never remember asking about that.

Until I was in second grade, I had a teacher one day, who talked about family trees and said, well, if you're, if you have a different last name than a parent that obviously one of those parents isn't your parent.

And so I went home, I'm that day.

That's my mom.

Like well I have a different last name.

Is he not my dad?

His name was Steve and is a is still not my dad and my mom got angry.

Just like really Furious is like, of course.

He's your dad.

I can't believe your teacher would say that and just the next day at school, the teacher had apologized.

So I'm pretty sure my mom called and yelled at the school for

that.

Wow, okay.

But they said the reason my last name was different was both of them smoked at the time and he The hospital to smoke a cigarette during labor and got locked out because the middle of night and didn't sign my birth certificate.

And, of course, in second grade you have no clue how that

works, right?

So you're just like, okay, I'm going to play with my mom tells me because she's my mom.

So that that.

Yeah, I mean, I guess as a child, that sounds plausible.

So it was just their excuse.

Was that like he was there for your birth?

But he just wasn't there in the room for the birth certificate.

So, So they

put her name, right?

So I'm like, all right.

And I asked my sister has a stellar day because we're kind of, I was going to restore, he's with them and they said, oh, we just thought your last name was different because they weren't married because they got married shortly before Jamie was born.

Okay.

So they never heard the story that I was told my Ray said treated me different than my sisters because a lot harsher on me than he was them.

You know.

I did everything I could to please him and to kind of Gain that love like, I made sure my parades were great.

My room was always spotless.

I, you know, never misbehaved in front of anyone, you know, and no one had a bad thing to say about me in hopes that he would interim, love me the same way.

He loves Jamie and Terry and nothing ever worked.

It was just, he was always really different with me.

And so that, of course, added to that feeling of being an outsider and being different, that them and seventh grade.

My mom and him split up, he moved to me.

Again we stayed in Tennessee and one day, I was home alone, I just thought he not my dad because I wasn't sad that they split up like you know, most kids feel sad and when their parents split up, hmm, I was actually happy about it so I'm like I can only feel happy like if he's not my dad like this is a horrible thing to be happy, they're split up, you know?

Yeah, I never told anyone because I knew my mom was going through a rough time because now she's a single mom to three kids were, you know, about teenagers at this point.

He's in a different state.

So I never quit.

Never asked her.

Thing just kind of left that thought and just moved on we eventually moved to Michigan after that.

I think about a year and a half.

Almost two years later, we moved to Michigan, we did move to the same area of the state that he was in, so we still didn't see him.

You know, much.

They fish Ali divorced when I was in tenth grade and he actually started paying child support on Jamie and Terry.

But not me and I questioned my mom like, well, why isn't he paying child support on me?

That hmm.

She was like, oh, Oh, well, you'll be 18 soon.

Enough there made no sense, starting.

It didn't really believe that, but didn't really do anything with that.

I'm just kind of let it sit there because I'm like, okay, I I was never close with my mom and so, I was really trying to get close with her during this time, because when we moved to Michigan, we moved into a two-bedroom place.

So I shared a room with my mom and Jamie, Terry continue to share a room like they had their entire childhood.

Mmm, I mean, I was hoping this would be the time that me and her would get really close and never pay.

Doubt like that.

So I never felt like I could go any deeper with questions with her because I didn't think she would really worship K and I felt based on, you know, that memory of her getting really upset about me asking about my last name being different that she'd get really upset.

If I probed, any do you first?

I kind of just left it there

at this point.

Did you believe that he was your biological father or were you, you know, fairly certain or were you still pretty unsure?

I was still pretty unsure because I the only evidence I had that he wasn't was my feelings.

No one else had put any thoughts of that into it or had said anything remotely.

That he wasn't.

This was always, he's still your dad and he's all your guys's, dad.

And so I just kept on going with that, you know, just lectured on certain.

And wasn't sure at the end of my junior year, for whatever reason.

One day, my mom picked me up from school but not my sisters.

And I thought about this, I A November so life.

Why she picked just me up and not them.

But I remember we're pulling out a school parking lot.

Like we're still in the school parking lot and I just asked him like why is my last name different?

Because you know at this point the story doesn't make sense anymore.

You know, I'm not in second grade anymore.

Doesn't make sense that he was locked out, you know, of the hospital.

My husband, my last name was different and she said, well truth is he's not your dad.

She's like, I had the one-night stand with this man named John, he was married and when him and his wife found out about you, they didn't want you.

So I stayed away, but that's who your real dad is.

I didn't ask me questions.

I just like, okay, because I am a processor.

So I'm not quick my feet.

When it comes to thinking about things, I take a time to process how I feel about them.

I was like, okay and then I just remember the next two weeks crying like, all the time, never around her or Anyone.

I you know like by any time I was alone by myself or like in the shower I would just be sobbing because it was just such a shock.

I mean part of me knew but it's still at that moment is like, oh, I really am different.

Then Jamie and Terry my sisters.

And, and I don't know who my dad is, and I went to this childhood, you know, thinking that my, my race dad, but thinking that he didn't love me as much as my sister because something was wrong with me.

Turns out, he's not even my dad.

And so I have lots of self-esteem issues just based on my relationship with my race dad.

And then this just added to that.

I did tell my boyfriend, the time, who is now, my husband, I did tell him, and he didn't really think much of it.

He only had brothers.

So, he doesn't understand like the mother-daughter relationship, where he's a mother-son relationship.

He's like, okay, he didn't realize it was a big deal.

Until one day we were hanging out and I did Crying from him about it.

I just randomly we're watching movies with friends and I just burst into tears and he's like, oh, so this is a big deal.

Yeah, he's just like, I don't he's like sorry.

I didn't know I was such a big deal, like I didn't realize it's such a big deal but I just keep crying about it.

And I don't know what I feel and I mean I haven't talking, I hadn't talked to my race dad at years for this point, it just kind of sat there like that.

Now, this was back in 2007, when I found out that my race Dad wasn't my dad.

And so, at this point, Commercial DNA testing is an event that doesn't come out until them 2012 at least ancestry.

Said it didn't really have money to do anything with trying to find my dad.

Never really talked to my mom again about it.

Because once she told me that seemed like she, that was all she wanted to say, like she was down to conversation.

I told you let's move on and didn't want to bring it up again.

So kind of catch myself.

I didn't tell whole lot of people because I didn't want my mom to feel ashamed about having a one-night stand.

As I read him, like a lot of the MP Ee groups, we would tend to protect her mom's right and I do I didn't want anyone to like shame for having one-night stand, you know?

Yes, I said on for years, you know, once I finally got Facebook, I would try searching for my rent for my dad, but he has like one of the world's most common names.

So hundreds of people would pop up just in the state of Michigan alone and I course had no pictures what he looks like.

I didn't have an age, I just had a name and I'm like Is not helpful at all, and it really wasn't until 2019.

So eleven or twelve years after I found out that it really made any Headway in finding him.

I get a Facebook message, one night, it's Valentine's Day.

Me and my husband were coming back from a concert and I get a Facebook message from this guy saying that he believes.

His brother is my dad.

I read it and I just kept reading it over and over and I showed it to my husband and I'm like some Oh, I just messed me that his brother my dad.

He's like, oh, is it John's brother?

I'm like, no.

John same time you mentioned in this.

These are two completely different names.

I'm like, I don't know to do.

So, the next morning I text my mom like, hey can you call me?

She'll get yeah.

Anytime after after I get off work I'm like no this he's a happen now.

Like I need to talk to you now.

So she calls and I started like saw her salt ring and I started crying.

So I hadn't found my husband so I'm like I can't do this.

You got to ask her he's like, hey Sam This message from the this guy, claiming that his brother is her dad and but it's not not the name.

She was given.

Is there any way to this?

Should we ignore it?

And she's like, well, there's actually a possibility.

It could be him.

I don't actually know who her dad is.

There's three different possibilities.

This brother could be one of them but he has passed away so I don't really

know.

So this is 12 years after the fact.

Yeah, we're young were David.

After the fact you were

given the name of someone you believe this was your father, but you kept it a secret to protect your mom.

Did your raised father know that you were not biologically?

His, yes.

Him and my mom met when I was three months old at a party.

So he knew the last time I talked to him.

Actually, when I was 19 and told him I was engaged.

And the first thing he asked me was I was I pregnant.

It's a Licensees is like, while you're pregnant.

Is that where you're getting married?

Hmm, and that was the last conversation we had with him.

I had was him, so yeah, he knew he recently came in contact with my sister's again because they had kind of a falling out as well throughout the divorce and high school years, but my one sister Jamie, just got married like a month ago actually, and and that process got reconnected with her dad and he said he felt bad that he never told me throughout my life and, you know, had her pass that message along.

Long to me.

You never told me that he was my dad, but, yeah, now he always knew.

I just wanted to clarify that.

That it was funny.

I mean, I kind of assumed based on the fact that he didn't put his name on your birth certificate and he treated you differently.

But, you know, sometimes we hear that may be raised father suspected but didn't know for sure or that kind of thing.

So, okay, so he knew all right, now back to your mom reveals that it actually could be three different men.

How did This brother know that his brother maybe was your biological father.

Did your mom inform each of these men

know she my aunt.

My aunt actually got in contact with the brother and kind of spilled some things out to him then so then he reached out to find me so he like through Facebook found my aunt then found my mom and then found me through that.

I spent a few days before I replied to him.

I sent a message like, listen.

I know I've known for a while that the guy I thought my dad wasn't my dad to your brother.

May be a possibility, but I want to do DNA testing for sure.

He's like yeah, of course of course he's like I don't need so I already know but we can do it.

So, finally, get DNA testing against him and his mom because the his brother was no longer live, so fun, test him and through research, the best option was to test his mom.

So test him the test came back that That were not related at all.

He doesn't believe it is.

I pull, this is just wrong, it can't be, you have to be his, his daughter.

I'm like, I'm so sorry, I'm not.

And just I left hook that, you know, deleted on Facebook and moved on.

And so then that put me in, like, okay.

Well then, who is because at, for this point, I never thought that my biological dad could not be alive because my mom was 20 when I was born.

Mmm.

And so, I was used to having a young parents.

I just saw Assumed that my biological dad would be alive.

And so that, then there was a sense of urgency because the one brother, you know, he wasn't alive.

So I'm like, well, now I've got to find him.

So you've got three possibilities.

One has the very common name and you're having trouble finding him.

Then you found out about this man who had passed away you tested, and that's not your biological father.

Who is the

third?

So the third one, my mom didn't Were his name.

But remembered that?

He was Japanese.

I very much.

Do not look Japanese at all.

But she didn't know if he was full or half or what and so that's when I took a 23 me so I'm like well at least I can that will roll down to one either I'm Japanese or I'm not right.

So I send the 23 me and and comes back but I'm not Japanese which wasn't a big surprise me because I'm very much white.

Yeah and look that way.

Hmm.

But so that leaves again.

The man of the common name, no close matches.

Pop up, everyone's third to fifth cousin or farther and I'm like well this doesn't help.

And so I actually found a Facebook group full of search angels and so I put a post in there and I was like this is my DNA test, this is my story, you know, finally got a search Angel, take the case and I'm like okay well we want you to ancestry DNA.

To see if we can close our matches.

So took ancestry, you know, wait, another six weeks for to come in and no clothes.

Masters are either again.

Only a third of his cousins, apparently, no one close to me, likes to take DNA test.

Mmm, the lady, you know, took my rod DNA and put on some other sites and basically built a family tree and narrative down and found the man, that is my father.

She's able to find him and narrow down to him.

And she like was this, you just like send this picture to Mom?

Mom and ask her.

So I sent a picture of my mom.

She like.

Yes, that's, that's the man that possibility.

So, whenever him, but unfortunately, as him, he'd passed away about 14 months before cancer.

Wow.

I mean, how did you feel when you found that it?

It was very difficult.

Because I didn't have a great relationship with my mom.

One of the things I dreamed up all those years was finding him and finally having that parent-child relationship.

I create so much, mmm, and the fact that I was so close.

I was just literally over a year off before he passed.

Was it was heartbreaking?

Heh I told my husband, I'm like the one thing I wanted.

Was at least one meeting with him and it shake his hand, to see him in the eyes, look in the eyes, and for him to say my name.

Like I would love a relationship, but at least I could have that that, you know, that would be okay.

And then, you know, in a moment that was just completely taken away.

I'm so sorry.

I end up having getting some siblings though.

So I when we first found him by search engines, like it looks like you're in the middle between two other girls.

She's like you know if you want to reach out just know this may bring up some issues and since it being so close to him passing as well.

So it's like okay but I knew if I didn't reach out I would regret it because I rarely let so much time pass.

So, you know, I rep wrote up my letters, they got them and his wife.

Actually reached out to me and she's like, we've known you've been a possibility, turns out the oldest daughter, was hers from a previous relationship.

Okay, so there's no affair on her.

Hmm, but turns out he was married when I was conceived but his wife had been cheating on him for years and wouldn't Grant him a divorce.

And so finally he got tired of it.

He's like well I mean if you're not going to be in this, Marriage.

Anyways, and I'm not going to either and he went out of town for work for two weeks.

I happen to be where my mom was working and the town.

She was working in and they actually had a to replace ship.

Not a one-night stand.

And then he went back home, part of his company was still there doing the job do.

Then the rumor started that my mom was pregnant and the wife found out and she's the one who called and threatened custody to my mom.

And then she divorced him but did it tell him?

That my mom was pregnant.

Oh,

wow.

He had heard rumors

years later, that my mom had end up getting pregnant his child, but he had never been confirmed.

They did try to, you know, find me throughout the years, but I was, you know, born in 89.

So there really wasn't much to go on.

I had moved around my mom's last name had obviously changed because she got married, you know, I was in a different state so it really wasn't.

If he wanted to track us down, there was no way to it when we constantly moved where Different states.

You know, his wife said yeah we tried to find you, but we weren't able to and so we're not surprised to get your letter, and we're happy to have gotten it.

She has been nothing but welcoming, which I feel very blessed because I hear lots of stories of where the wise are just very angry about this child, but she has been nothing but welcoming, she's like, here's all the information.

I have health information.

He did pass from a cancer.

That is passing the family.

So be my kids are working.

Process of getting tested.

Okay, I'm because he passed went, he believes his dad passed from it and an uncle as well.

So it makes it a big possibility that me or my kids could could have it or have the gene for it.

The oldest sister would end up being my stepsister and now have all these siblings.

None of them are full right?

So because my mom's remarried so I got two new seedlings in that.

So my mom side, I have two halfs.

If sisters a step-sister and a stepbrother.

And then on my dad's side, I now have a step-sister and a half sister, lots of

girls.

How do you feel about the fact that you don't have any, you know, quote full siblings

anymore?

I was okay with it.

Like, it didn't hit me, my youngest sister Terry.

When she first found out, it hit her kind of hard.

She had made some comments about it when I first found out at almost 18, you know, it was rough more rough on her and mean heard and have a great.

She'll bring up as a child either.

Like we fought all the time select now that mean who are closed and generally get along and she adores, my kids and my kids adore her.

And when you talk regular is a legit surprise to me because growing up, I thought that would have never happened.

I mean I thought that pretty much when I graduate high school and moved all my life, I really wasn't how much contact with my immediate family because I was just never close to them growing up.

There was always some distance between us.

I have you been Able to learn.

I mean I know you learned about the you know, risk for cancer and things like that and and how he met your mom.

But have you learned anything else about your father, that may be surprised you or made you feel connected to him?

I've Loved cooking since I was young age and I'm really good at it.

I actually almost went to culinary school.

That was my plan for a long time, but no, one of my mom's our Cooks like immediately.

Mom doesn't really cook.

My sister's aren't really like to do it.

My grandma didn't like to cook.

And so, I was always like, well, why am I naturally gifted at this?

And no one else has.

And it turns out he loved to cook.

And, you know, I was making dinner one day and I just reached out to my stepmom like, hey, did my dad loved to cook?

And she's just, oh, yeah.

He loved to cook all the time and so that, you know, really helped that feeling of me that.

Okay?

That's where I get it from.

Yeah, you know, always be the Always been the black sheep, not just how you look.

But how you act was always like, why am I the way I am?

You know, I used to always be nature versus nurture.

At always do more nurture.

Like, oh, you're you're like, who you're around.

And then, through this whole journey of my Kono DNA, your nature plays, such a bigger part in who you are and your interest and I ever would have thought,

yeah.

How many of your new family members?

Have you met?

Have you gotten to meet a bunch in

person?

I have Actually, so I found them all in 2020 course, which is not the best time to find new family members em.

But my half-sister actually got married this past July, and so, I was able to go to Michigan for the wedding.

And so I got to beat my dad's siblings, and their kids and cousins.

So it's really great to meet him a little overwhelming because I had never been to a wedding where I will literally never known anyone.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're all like, oh, hi Sam.

You know, your child's daughter.

How I Are you and all the names that I cannot put to all the faces because there was just so many everyone was really welcoming which is great.

But yeah I got a good chance to meet most of them

that's incredible and that's so awesome that they're so open to you.

Yeah, I've been, I've been very lucky, you know, in that the biggest issue that hurdle we had to is a distance because I'm back in Tennessee now, that's hardware.

They're all in Michigan to connect with them, right?

So I was very thankful to be able to go to the wedding and see.

In person and many

people, that's great.

How are things going with your mom?

Not so, well,

we always been strained, but even this past year, you know, I want to talk to my sister's about doing this this podcast.

I'm like, what are your stories?

And my one sister Jamie, she heard the story that my biological dad was my mom's boss, and when he finds out, he's pregnant, he do anything to do with my me or my mom.

So that's a whole other person.

That enters the Mis that was Ability.

My sister Terry heard a deviation of the story of the brother that had passed away, that's the story she had heard back then.

So everyone had gotten a different story, but she's claiming that all along.

She said, it's, you know, it's been John.

It could only ever be him climbing that the pretty much the rest of us are lying about the different stories that we have, or my husband's lying that.

You know, after that phone conversation was was her.

And so it's just been really strange.

I've actually earlier this year, stop being the one to put first, the first effort and communication with them because I would try to communicate with my mom and, you know, talk to her video, chat with the kids and everything.

And when I stopped being the one doing it first reaching out, no messages have been had.

And so, you know, she's complained to my sisters that, you know, I don't get to talk to my grandchildren as much, you know, Sam's.

Just keep him away from me and it's like, no, I just stopped in the one to reach out first.

You know, it's pretty much not existence at this point.

I did see her Jamie got married as well about a month after my sister, my dad, so I've got married.

So there are two weddings in Michigan had to go for.

I saw her then and you know, she said hi and hug me and she loved me and that was about the conversation.

I had with her, the whole weekend there for the wedding.

Do you have any questions for her?

Not at this point because if I did have any questions for her, I don't feel.

She would tell me the truth, and I don't feel like I could get Get the truth out of her.

So I wouldn't believe any answers that she gave me.

Where would you say that you are in your journey?

Currently,

I'm actually doing a lot better.

I was actually was until like the past three or four months that I actually found the npe community and got even got that term.

So for the longest time, all those years, I just felt so alone because I didn't have anyone who could relate to my story or have anything remotely similar And finding the community has helped so much and healing in that and just having basic terminology for the different people and players in the story, you know.

Because for a long time, I didn't know what to call my race dad, you know what, what do I call him versus what I call my, you know, biological dad.

And what do I even label myself as and you know, having those those labels and reaching out to community T has been so helpful in healing in that to make me feel that I'm not alone in this and to help heal passing the hurt that is coming from missing out on a life completely, you know.

Yeah, I mean it's interesting, right?

Because npes have always happened, but because there wasn't DNA testing so prominently and things like that.

The community wasn't as popular when you were going through this before.

Thing about npe.

How did you work through the fact that you found out at 17 that you're, you know, Dad wasn't your dad.

What did you do before you found the community,

the most part, I just dealt with it internally because, you know, I mean, I, I told my husband and talk to him a lot about it, but he course, had no way of, really understanding what I was feeling and I talked to her.

A few people throughout it throughout the years, very middle, like less than 5.

And again, no one understood.

And so I was try searching online for any sort of group, or anyone to understand what I was going through and can never find anything.

And how did you find the end PE Community recently?

What's pain that

search?

I was actually on Instagram one day watching reels and this lady had posted a real she titled.

What the heck Wednesday?

She had found out through a DNA test that her dad wasn't her dad, mmm and so each one's I should post more of the story and so I'm like okay.

She was actually the first person.

I followed him as friend that I didn't know and wasn't a certified, you know account, right.

Specifically if I don't know you and you're not sure if I count, I'm not going to follow you.

I felt like that was a little weird but sorry like, okay, no, I had to follow this.

I have to know more about the story and she actually one time and her stories, shared something.

To DNA search Angels or want some other Instagram page and I falled that link and then really they started sharing the resources like all, there's a bunch of

us.

And that's how I got connecting the

group.

Yeah, I mean thank goodness for the internet, right?

Because I don't know.

Any of us would realize how common this is that there's terminology for it.

Like you said and really just we're not Own Anderson resources.

Support resources.

Going through this.

Yeah, that's been so beneficial to find out.

There's a group out there and the resources understand a lot of the big feelings for filling and not feel like you're completely crazy for failing them.

Yeah, or even bad child for feeling them.

You know, sometimes I feel like oh I'm such a bad child for feeling this even though my mom and I don't have this great relationship or really any, I still feel horrible for feeling the feelings.

What are what are some of the feelings that you're talking about?

There's been lots of anger throughout the years, you know, anger that she didn't tell me, you know, she kept his huge part of me missing, even seeing that me and my race that didn't have a great relationship.

There would be times when he'd be really hard on me and just weird.

Like, it would just been rough days until night.

She would sneak in like a little trinket or present and I, you know, looking back at that feels like it was always out of guilt, you know, because he'd been particular mean to me those days and hard on me.

And so she was, you know, give me a little Something mmm out of guilt for that.

He was mean to my sister's a times as well.

You know, he has his own trauma that he's done with his own life and that's just how he reacted and everything, but it was it was a lot worse with me.

And so those little trinkets, I felt like my mom gave out of guilt.

And then I was like, well if you knew he wasn't my dad, why would you let me spend all those years feeling the way I feel, you know and and feeling excluded and you know, have the low Team.

I did because of that relationship with him a lot of was anger towards her and but then I would always like, well, she's my only parent so I can't let go.

So I would stay and continue to try to strive for the lationship, what's her?

Even though that wasn't reciprocated, it really was until recently, like, I can be okay if I walk away from my relationship with her,

you know.

One thing that I've been thinking about which I know is from brought up on the, your podcast and other pod S throughout this is something that like DNA testing groups can do to help us in the situation, maybe two weeks after you get your results like hey did you find anything surprising?

And then you know whether it's an ethnicity or it's a family member, you didn't know you belong to that.

Then they can link you to support group because I mean the support groups have been so helpful for me, my journey that if I would have found them years ago.

How much Better, you know, whatever bad then now,

yeah, there's, there's a big question around that, right?

How much responsibility do the DNA testing companies have, you know, obviously they aren't the ones that that lied or withheld information.

But do they have some corporate responsibility?

I think that's a great idea to just send a follow up and make it a little bit more prominent for people that are going through this because it really does throw people into crisis, right?

Right.

What advice would you offer a parent?

Who's keeping a DNA surprise from their

child?

You've got to share with them.

And if you share it for them, why they're still under your roof and they're so young, you can work through this journey with them where when they're older and they're out of your house and they work and they try to work this journey, it gets much harder for to have a connection with you.

Because there's that distrust automatically and you're not their date and day in and day out to see them through this process.

So you just share with them, the younger, the better is what I personally believe because they deserve to know and it would help them out and you out so much.

The sooner, this journey get started.

What advice would you offer?

Someone who just uncovered a DNA surprise?

You know, take a moment, take a deep breath, get a grasp on what you're feeling.

Lee.

And if there's any part of you that wants to find this parent or family member than I am of the belief, go forward as soon as you can.

I mean, I wasted all those years not searching as hard as I could.

Not that there was much resources to search any harder than I could.

Yeah, and then it became too late.

So, if there's any hope that you want a chance to meet them, I'm you've got to work towards it and find help.

I mean, you're not alone.

On this journey that are people out there that can help you.

And I could understand the DNA and family trees even if you have no clue cuz I like when I got my classroom me, I had no clue what a cmn, really like, I don't know what

this means.

We become an unofficial experts in all things.

DNA through

this right?

Yeah, Sam.

Thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story again.

I'm so sorry that you weren't able to connect with your biological.

A father.

But I'm so happy that his family has welcomed you with open arms and I hope that that relationship continues to

grow.

Thank you so much me too.

I was actually just talking to my, my new sister last night and we're making a plan for her husband to come.

Visit us in Tennessee and then me and February to go visit them for some time.

So I'm excited to see where it goes.

And now, here's an update from Sam, really excited to reconnect with you Sam and hear more about Things have been going, it's been some time since we last spoke.

I think around six months or so, what's

new in February?

I got to travel to Michigan which is where my new families at and my old time actually to everyone's there.

And I got to spend a week, staying with my stepmom and getting me connect with her.

And my new half-sister, I went by myself.

No, husband.

No kids.

Just be able to connect with them and get to know them some

more.

Wow, what was that?

What was that?

Like, To see them in

person.

It was good.

It was really good.

I was a little nervous but I fit in really well.

We had a great time.

It was I told my husband was kind of weird because I had never been with family and not felt like an outsider before and just instantly fit in with them.

So that was a weird experience sitting with my thirties and that's the first time that's happened.

There were some point at some times.

The night was on myself that I will get like really frustrated sad.

Just I loved hearing all the stories about my dad and getting To know him through, you know, everyone else cuz I can't meet him.

But also realizing that I will never be part of any of those stories at the same time.

And so at that point, it was, it got a little overwhelming and I was, you know, thankfully I had my own room.

I could stay in so that night.

I could process

everything.

Yeah, where have you landed?

I mean, it's, we're now talking it's March 15th.

This episode's going to air on Tuesday March. 21st, where have you landed with what those emotions about not, you know, being part of the memories with your

dad and times.

It's very sad and I wish I could be part of, but my step mom told me a story that he actually did.

He was on a work trip.

When he met my mom, he was there for a few weeks working, and once he had kind of like heard the rumors and said it out and figured out that.

Yes, my mom was in fact pregnant.

He actually went back to my hometown to look for her and Try to see, you know, figure everything out.

She was course, has been booed at that point because my mom had met my race Dad, when I was three months old.

But time I was 18 months.

We are living in North Carolina, and she was married and about to have my sister Jamie.

So we were long gone time, he came back but it was good feeling knowing that he actually did come and try to find me and my mom and figure all this out.

So that really gave me a peace knowing that, you know, No, he cared.

And wanted to try to do what he could.

That's amazing.

So that was new information for you to hear

Did you learn anything else knew that?

You know, I know you mentioned some of these memories but did you learn anything new that maybe told you more about

yourself?

Yeah, there's met my new half-sister.

It's really fight.

Not only do we look alike.

We have almost exact same personality.

It's quite quite shocking and then like that's where All this comes from all these like little corks, my personality, and everything come from that, that side of the family.

That's

amazing.

My my husband he

has a story about his.

I think his great-grandparents had migrated over here from Ireland, and I had always loved that.

His family was so close from migrating over here.

Well, turns out, I have the same story.

My dad's side.

His parents, his his grandparents, my great-grandparents came over from Poland and they actually never learned to speak English.

So it's, you know, I have the similar side of that, you know, so I'm scouring more that polish side since I was such a huge Connection in there

now.

So it sounds like your visit brought you closer to that side of your family.

Oh most definitely what is next?

What are you planning?

Any future visits?

Are your kids going to meet them?

What does the future look like?

We're trying to find some more visits and see them.

I told my husband at least one if we can at least once a year be able to go up there by myself and see them but my sister's Actually, he travels a lot for work as and Kentucky.

So not too far from me.

She occasionally come on the weekends in our thing.

So, she's like, hey, if I ever come down?

Let's meet up just a lot closer than Northern Michigan, where I am.

Mmm and Jess, we talk really regularly now, multiple times a week and everything and just really close that family.

My kids are really excited.

They want to go up there and meet them.

And, and want to be a part of everything to I was really nervous, the entire drive.

So for my house all the way out there, it's about 13.

Almost 14 hours.

I have one sister.

That's a little lower part of Michigan.

So I stopped and looked at her house because that's a long drive to do by yourself.

But I was like so nervous.

Intercom.

Like, what?

If they don't like me?

What is this goes terrible.

Then I'm stuck up here.

What I can do?

So top take us through

like what happened.

So you got there, you slept it, one sister's house and then is this, was this a newfound sister

know?

So this is a sister.

I grew up with okay.

So you stop at your sister's

house and then you make your way up.

Up to your newfound family, what happens?

So I pull in the driveway at first, I don't know where if I'm in the right place but she lives in a really small town in northern Michigan and there's snow everywhere because that's like it how it is up there.

I don't like okay I text him like I think I'm here and my stepmom comes actually called yeah.

Here we go.

And so got to see them.

I'm went to dinner with her, my sister and her husband because I love you know, not too far from up there.

And you know, just hung out there for the week and spent the week at them hearing stories I got some mementos of my dad's that my mom had my set, my mind poolside for me to give me.

And what does your family think of all this?

Does everyone know that you went up, obviously toaster, but I

won sisters.

I stayed with closet.

She's been really accepting of the entire process.

Really wanted me to explore that.

My actually happy my newfound.

Half sister wants to meet her as well.

Just Because she knows how how important close we are.

I didn't tell my mom because I knew my mom would get probably pretty angry, and then start complaining everyone like.

I don't know why she needs to find her new family.

I don't know why she needs to be part of this and I just want to go there and get to know them without having any of that guilt of conscious on me.

Hmm, does she know?

Now

she doesn't okay, we don't.

Our relationships pretty surface level.

I mean we talk about my kids but that's that's about it.

She'll text or call every now and then or send them Marco Polo to check up on my kids but it's very infrequent.

Like I just talked to her last week and that was the first time since my daughter's birthday which is the beginning of January.

Do you see your your stepmother as a motherly figure to you?

I do actually my kids started calling him Grandma April.

So, she bought a little gassed by ROK there and everything because I told my husband, like she's what, every MP e wants from the wife of their dad.

Yeah, you know, she's like, my biggest concern is that you're not hurting this process and your kids aren't hurt and she's like, so we can do this at your pace.

What how would a relationship looks like for you?

Because I don't want anyone to get hurt in this and she's like, any of your dad was alive and him your mom.

We're fighting.

I would, you know, let them Both know that it's not about you guys.

This is about her.

You guys made your decision, you know,

once you was born

and now is about her and we're going to do what's best for her.

And

so she's just been really, really wonderful and all

this.

That yes she sounds like exactly what everyone wants from the life.

Yeah, from the life.

Yeah, we find our our biological father's.

Can you speak more about how this part of your journey?

Has helped you find peace or progress in your

story for me it's been it's definitely has some closure getting to know them more and more in detail because it's been hard to do that because we do live so far away.

And I did find them in the beginning of covid, didn't make it any easier.

And so it's definitely healed pieces and give me answers that I just wondered.

I mean, I'm always gonna have questions because he's not alive.

But it's definitely given me a closeness with them and a piece and that the other situation isn't ideal.

But and like, I told my stepmom is, like, I can't change what happened the past, but I can change the future and, and I can be involved in your guys, as life.

Now that I know there is people to be involved with.

I have officially joined therapy, my therapist didn't know the term MPEG or any of that, but she's done amazing research on it since morning.

And try and understand what's going on there.

So very thankful for her and she's helped me process.

A lot of that, which has been great.

I'm getting more involved in trying to in the DNA Community, you know, actually not just sitting in the group's watching but actually

engaging in them

coming to the retreat, really excited about that because connecting with other people who share the same story.

And I've learned, I've learned that that that's very helpful in healing to share stories.

Rory's.

But also hear other people's stories as well, who understand what you're going through and it takes that feeling of loneliness away and out of it.

Well, Sam, thank you for coming back on the podcast is Sharon update.

I'm so happy to hear that things are continuing to move positively as you build new relationships.

And I can't wait to meet you in person in May,

I was looking forward to.

Thanks for having me.

Thanks again, to Sam for sharing her story, and thank you to everyone who joined me for season 4.

Not Italy.

Robin, Shannon, Bill Lori.

Deborah Scarlet, Kim alley, Stacy.

Angie.

And Sam your bravery and sharing your stories helps others.

Feel less alone, including me.

That's all for season 4 but we'll be back in May with season 5.

You have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share.

Please email?

DNA surprises at gmail.com and if you haven't yet, please rate review And subscribe on Apple podcasts and Spotify.

Thank you for listening.

Until next time.