Kim M’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

About a month or two ago, my sister called me.

And my sister said, my, I saw mom.

And I said, Okay?

And she said, she's asking when she can see your kids.

And my sister said, she just rolled her eyes at my mom.

And my mom looked at her and said what she does want me to see her kids because of what happened, two years ago that she's referring to me, finding out that my biological father was not the man that raised me and she's saying it was an incident that happened two years ago.

It wasn't an incident that happened two years ago happened My entire life

imagined, spitting into a tube fending off your DNA and unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021 I discovered that I am an NP e someone who has experienced a non paternal event In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who are shocked by a DNA Discovery mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP, he's adoptees and donor conceived people, and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Sometimes DNA surprises aren't surprising at all, but validating.

In this week's episode, Kim shares how she learned that after feeling different from her family, her entire life.

She's not genetically related to her raised.

Father, she also learned that she isn't white as she believed but descends from a large Mexican family, she shares how she's processing her surprise and how she's connected with her family.

After my interview with Kim, she decided to turn her DNA surprise into support, for others.

At the end of the episode.

We reconnect to discuss what's changed for her and what she's doing now.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Kim.

My name is Kim and I am from New England, but I was born in Canada and I am 43.

I did 23andMe in 2015.

And I actually did it for health reasons, my mom has pretty serious, underlying health conditions, and I wanted to see genetically.

If I was in have high risk factor, I want to see if I'd risk factors for those who things and I didn't even know about the ancestry, all that side of it.

I only knew about the medical side.

So anyways I did 23 meet just for health reasons.

I was probably ignorant back then probably like a lot of people and didn't realize the extent of information you Get from that site and I didn't think think anything of it, it gave me the medical information that I needed and I kind of just let it rest.

Well, then in 2017 I got a message from a cousin that me a note and I read the email and it said we want to know how you're related to us and I thought I looked at the name Sauce.

This is so strange.

I didn't think much of it.

I was like I was thinking anybody could write anybody else on 23andMe.

We're like in Facebook.

I was thinking anybody can Contact me.

I can cockpit to contact anybody else having no idea that DNA was actually tied to these messages?

That make sense.

Yeah, talk about ignorant

but that's common.

I think, especially, because 23andMe, really marketed with the medical information that a lot of people didn't realize that they could have DNA matches.

Okay, that makes sense.

That makes me feel better because I really didn't have a clue.

So somebody contacted me and they she asked me how were related and I didn't think anything of it and I just let it I just said, I have no idea II just didn't I, I was clueless, so there's no better way to say it other than clueless.

So in the meantime, after she sent that message, I noticed I kept accumulating family members in my matches again, not even realize he put those matches are.

I, I just didn't know more and more kept coming up.

I thought, maybe there's something there.

Why didn't one of these cousins?

Keep coming up that I don't recognize any of these names.

I realized they Our extended family, going through them, nobody know, close matches.

So I thought I really thought nothing of it.

Well, fast forward 2018-2019.

I got so many matches.

I had over 1,000 matches that I thought that's so weird.

Maybe I should, maybe I should look into it.

So I called my dad my birth certificate father and I said yeah, somebody contacted me on 23 me asking how were related, but I don't It because that person was from Mexico.

Do we have family from Mexico to be of anybody that migrated to Mexico?

And he said, no.

And I said, are you sure turns out, we had him diagnosed last year, had him diagnosed with autism?

He went through a bunch of psychological testing.

Yeah, and that explains a lot when you hear what happened, but he has autism, which is good.

Because now we have an answer, we can address certain things, but I call them and he said no way.

I don't have any family in Mexico or that came from Mexico.

So I said, please double-check and I had him call his his cousins.

Now his cousins are all in Canada because he was born there.

That's how I was born there.

So he's calling them and checking around and I called him back a few months later and but I don't talk to him that often I said did you check on the family?

He said, yeah, we don't have anybody from Mexico.

Everybody migrated from England, brawl British and I said, okay, fine.

Then I got thinking I kept thinking about all those matches coming from Mexico and I'm like that.

So bizarre.

And then at that point, I realized I started digging around enough and I started realizing this is on my father's side.

Hmm.

Well I called him one day out of the blue in 2019.

I think it's 2019.

I called him and I said Dad, I'm getting all these Mexican matches.

Are you positive on my paternal side?

Are you positive?

You're my biological father and he said yes.

And I said, okay, how do you know that?

And he said, well, the summer of 88.

Now my mom was an education.

She was a speech therapist back then but so she had Summers off.

He said your mom took the summer and he went, she went and she stayed on a ranch in Colorado and they were not married.

At this point, she went and she stayed on the ranch.

She came back, I we got pregnant with you and you were born in May so logically.

If you think about that, there's red flags,

right?

The timing.

And we still

work for me.

Exactly.

I might I nearly got off the phone with him, I will never forget that conversation, I know exactly what road I was on.

I was driving and I'll never forget that conversation because I, immediately hung up the phone and I called my husband and I told my husband, what my, what my dad said and he said, my husband said there's no way he's your father and I said, I agree with you.

I agree.

I totally agree with you.

So I got off the phone with my husband and I called my sister and I only have one sister.

I was raging raised with one sister and we're 5 years apart.

And so I called her and I said, will you do a DNA?

They test for me and she said why and I told her what my dad said and she said you're crazy and I said let me let you do it.

If I paid for it and buy it for you for Christmas when you do the test, she said sure in the meantime she's calling me crazy.

I want to preface this with I should have gone back.

I should go back that growing up.

I always thought that I was adopted.

I would look for adoption papers.

I just felt it inside.

I felt like I didn't belong in, the right.

Family was just as underlying feeling, I always had.

So when my parents, The go out.

When I was a teenager when they went out, I would literally pull apart their desks and go through Trunks.

And I remember my mom had this huge trunk in her bedroom at the end of the bed, and I would go through it because I was, I was looking for adoption papers.

Wow.

And what it was, just something inside of you or was something ever said.

Yeah.

Why did you feel that way?

No.

Well, I never felt like I belong to this family and my family.

I don't know what it was.

It was just a gut.

And also, my mom was legally married to another man.

A different man, and they got divorced.

And I've seen that, I've seen the paperwork for it, and they got divorced one week, before, my parents got married.

So I thought maybe he was my biological father, my mom's ex-husband.

Hmm, But she always swore, no, we hadn't been together for two years, we just didn't file the paperwork for divorce.

The other thing that was interesting, as I always felt like I came from a large family and I grew up in a very small family.

I had My mom's brother has no children.

My dad's sister has three girls.

So I had three first cousins growing up.

And that was it?

That was it?

No other family.

We had grandparents would want on and that was it.

I kept saying, I feel like I belong in a big family, but nobody know, you know, that's really not a big deal.

No one thought anything of it.

But in my gut, I always thought that.

So and I questioned my mom a lot about backs.

Hug the ex-husband.

I'm like, are you sure he's not my father, And she's like, I'm positive.

He's not your father.

So, you know, you take it with a grain of salt, right?

You just move on.

You don't think anything of it.

My sister.

Did the DNA test?

I gave it to her for Christmas.

And then in January 2020, I was at my daughter's basketball game and my sister texted, me.

And she says, you're not going to believe this.

And I said what?

And she said I got my DNA results and I said, yeah, and she said, we're only half siblings and I kind of laugh.

That I laughed.

I was like, I'm not surprised, I'm not surprised at all.

This does not surprise me.

She just texted me.

I couldn't talk because I was at the game, but she texted me and she said, I think I'm going to throw up and I will never forget that text because I felt I felt horrible for her at that point.

Yes.

She took it hard.

Yeah, yeah, she took it harder than I did.

I think.

I think she probably still takes it harder than I do.

Which is interesting I think.

So after the game was over, I went outside and I called her.

She's like, I really thought you were crazy.

She's like, I told all my co-workers, we thought you were crazy.

I said that's fine.

I said it's fine, it's not a big deal.

It's fine.

We're still sisters II.

Thought maybe at that point that she felt badly that she didn't have a full sibling.

Hmm, I don't really know why I think she felt a little betrayed now that I think about it.

We talked about it and I think she felt a little betrayed.

Yeah so I went home I told My husband wasn't, it wasn't really a big deal with kind of like stood over a little bit, my sister and I talk again.

I said, let's call Mom my mom.

He said, yeah, that's called, but I'm not very close to my mom.

I've never been close to my mom.

We've always had a really trommel tumultuous relationship my birth certificate.

Father said, when I was born, we were always oil and water from the day.

I was born oil and

water trusting,

I don't talk to her very much.

I may be at that point, maybe talk route, maybe four times a year, maybe.

Thanksgiving Christmas and maybe our birthdays.

I went for a walk and my sister, and I called my mom, our mom.

And we told her that we did the DNA test and my mom said that's wrong.

That was her first instinct, but I know you've done enough interviews.

That that's not a crazy response right here that quite often where they just say, that's not right.

That can't be possible.

So she said, that's not right?

And I said, Mom, it's right.

And she said that's not right.

So my sister and I got us the phone.

We kind of let it go.

We hemdan we had and we just let it rest a little bit.

And I think a week or two later we called her again and asked her about it and she said I truly don't know what you're talking about, that's not right.

So my sister and I we talked to my mother-in-law my mother-in-law does a lot of genealogy work so I talked to her and she said I think it was her that recommended that me do another test another DNA test but I did and I did ancestry.

Well sure.

Enough I did ancestry and it pulled up.

Same thing a lot of Mexican cousins, which in my I should say, when I talk to my dad about this, he said were 99.9% European Northwestern European and my sister came back on 23andMe as 99.9%, Northwestern European, but I did not I came back 30%, Spanish / Portuguese.

Oh wow, yeah, so when I did ancestry, it came back, same thing.

A lot of Spanish and Portuguese and a lot of Mexican cousins.

The person that has reached out to me years before and said how related I sent her a note and I said I'm not sure how we're related but there's something there and I'm definitely your family but I don't know.

I have no idea how I have no answers on my end.

She was phenomenal, she had been doing a family tree.

I don't know how long she been doing it but it was really really expensive.

She emailed me, the document of the family tree when I tell you, it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

That's an understatement.

So when my husband printed it, it was 10 feet long.

Oh wow, the family tree.

Like on young computer paper, it was so cool.

I still have it.

I have like, for coffee.

If I carry it, whenever I go, when I go visit them, I carry it with me.

I'm well, we figured out was my biological grandmother had nine children.

Fortunately, unfortunately, she had eight boys and one girl.

Of their children was one of my grandparents.

Okay.

Yeah, it was it was messy.

It was complicated because there were so many of them but had explained.

Why on my mother's side on 23 and me?

I was like four people and there was thousands on my dad's side.

I started sending notes to some people on 23andMe this Ting through the closest matches I could find.

I did the same on Ancestry, but there were so many I didn't even know where to start.

Finally, I was going back and forth with his one woman, I'll call hurry, she was super helpful basically.

Her father was related to my grandmother.

We started sifting through all that stuff.

And so she sent me to a, man, I'm going To call him F, she sent me to him and said, you know, he knows that side of the family a little bit better than me.

Let me pass you to him.

So I talked to him and it turns out that his father is, my grandmother's sibling.

So, we start talking.

And in the meantime, my husband night every night, after my husband's done with work, and that's where the kids are in bed, my husband and I start sifting through the DNA.

So there's so many matches that I had on Ancestry and 23andMe that I could read through and say, okay.

This person is like a third cousin so we know that their father cannot be my father.

You know, how we process of elimination and there was a lot of them.

I was circling them.

We I highlighted it and printed it out, we laid it across our bedroom floor, and I was highlighting every single name that I had a match to because this person is this the person did not do this.

Extensive family tree?

I still think I probably wouldn't have my answers but there were so many people that had taken the test, but I could say, oh, this cousin.

Nope.

This cut disc is only a cousin.

That's how we narrowed it down to my grandmother.

Then he had those eight boys.

And thankfully technically my uncle, my uncle's daughter had done a test so I knew okay, she came back as a cousin so she she can't be my sister so that her father's not my father and we literally went down the line and down the line and down the line until we got to the end.

And there was two boys left it.

Didn't have any DNA matches on either paid either site went back to calling people.

To ask again and again and you said, you know, I really think you need since you're narrowing it down to this this grandparent.

I think we need to go to this side of the family.

He put me in touch with a man named a, unfortunately, I am not bilingual and his English is not so good.

So when I called him, it was really hard.

It was really hard to understand him and it was really hard to understand what he was saying or trying to tell me.

So at one point I got in touch with his brother and His brothers English was much better.

So his brother kind of helped me and I've learned the Mexican culture that they're pretty protective and private.

If you're not in their Inner Circle, they're pretty protective.

I don't know if it's almost like a family but my Mexican family do feel pretty protective.

At least in my experience.

Finally, this man, a.

He said, it took a while.

It probably took me.

I don't know.

Three to four months.

He finally said, let me talk.

Let me have my daughter, talk to you.

And I said, okay, That sounds good.

Well, she didn't call me in hindsight.

I know her now and I know I can understand why she didn't call me, but she didn't, she didn't call me.

And we, I waited again.

And I kept waiting and waiting.

And in the meantime I'm talking to AIDS brother, and I'm talking to F and I'm talking to e and I'm talking to end.

I'm talking to all these cousins, like trying to piece it together.

It was a little bit, a little bit insane, but everybody was super helpful.

So helpful, they were so great.

They were, they were like We're falling all these options.

So, finally is daughter calls, me and her and I think end up talking on the phone that day for three hours.

We're the same age her and I are the exact same age.

She and it's funny.

I think she did not, she called me with her guard up, and I can understand that she called me really guarded and by the end of the conversation, I think I can, I can say, we were, we got home and we were sisters, that would be amazing because they got along that well, So we we determined at that point that either her father, was my biological father or her, uncle, which she was very, very close to he had passed away, but she was very very close to him.

So she she really kind and sweet and she offered to do DNA testing and she did well, it came back that she was my cousin so that ruled out her father.

So the only other person left was her uncle and turns out.

He was my biological father, but if she didn't do that test, I still wouldn't know.

And in the meantime another cousin backing up a little bit.

Came out of the woodwork and called me and said I I think I'm your father I remember your mother if this point I'm like my mother's photo is floating around the family like there's so much conversation and chatter going on, he came forward and said I'm your biological father that was kind of early on.

So I sent him a DNA test and turned out.

He came back in the

cousin.

Okay, how are you feeling through all of this like What are your emotions as you're doing this search, you you are validated by the fact that, you know, your birth certificate father was not your biological father.

What are your

emotions?

It was funny.

You just said, you just said, the word, the exact word that I felt validated.

Mmm, I wasn't mad.

I wasn't upset.

I wasn't sad.

I wasn't.

I felt 100% validated.

Yeah, almost a little I was almost a little smug about it in my head.

Mmm, because I was like, I knew something was off and she's such a liar.

Like my mom is such a liar.

That's why I think my sister took it harder than

I did, right?

Because you already believed it.

Yeah, I didn't realize that, she never knew.

I felt that way my sister and I are not close.

Well, we're closer now, but we were not close growing up at all.

It was a big age Gap.

My mom and I were constantly fighting in my sister will tell you now she was possibly hiding in her bedroom, like, that's how bad it was.

Okay, in the meantime, I did call my mom's best friend.

Just two really good friends.

My mom and I called her best best friend covered for her.

And I didn't know that at the time, but she was covering for her.

She did not want to tell her.

Tell me the truth, but I didn't know at the time that she was covering.

Wow, I didn't know until recently.

Yeah, I didn't know until recently that anybody was covering for her, we did the ancestry test and got the results back.

And when I confronted my mom, she just said, I just don't know how that's possible.

There's kept saying, I don't know how that's possible, when we found out who my biological father was he?

He was already passed away.

Now this is really strange.

I have two kids and kind of interesting.

My biological father died the Year, my son was born.

In 2006 kind of strange to me.

Like it gives me goosebumps that they that he was born the same year that he passed away.

Yeah, at this point, my mom will confronting my mom fairly often.

You're my husband, my husband, you know, he hasn't been really had a good relationship with her, but he would talk to her.

And at one point she even said, well, maybe I was raped, you know, of course that got me off on up made me.

I was thinking and thinking I was just thinking about all these situations and she just got me spun up because I was like, is this possible?

And yes.

And, of course, I've been seeing a therapist for a long time and I had a lot of conversations with my therapist about this because my mom, You said I don't remember.

I don't remember, I don't remember.

So I thought.

Well, maybe she was raised in.

She was blocking it

out.

Yeah,

I asked the family, I asked the side of the family.

I said, could he have raped her?

And they said no, they said he was the last one that would ever do anything like that.

It just it would be out of character for him.

I don't think so and he was pretty, he had a lot of Charisma and everybody really liked him and enjoy him as you talk to anybody in my entire site that side of the family, they tell me, he was everybody's

favorite.

She's still denying it, she won't, she won't tell you the truth, but you've deduced who your your bio father is at this point.

So what are you doing?

Are you trying to learn more about him?

What's your next kind of path?

But my sister who's old came back in January 2020.

And then, you know, this took time to play out.

Of course, in April of 2021, it was April 20-21, my family.

So most of my family is in In Colorado, I was conceived in Colorado.

A lot of them still live in Colorado.

Some of them are in Texas but mostly in Colorado or Mexico in 2021.

My family went my immediate family, we went on vacation to Sedona and I called the one cousin up that was really, really close to him and she was in Colorado.

And I said, maybe we can meet up somewhere halfway in between she agreed to it, but I wasn't sure.

You know, if she would show up, it was a long trip of his lungs.

For both of us if she came from Colorado and I came from Sedona, we would meet in Utah in the middle and it was a four hour drive one way.

So I was like, oh, that's so far that so far, you know, but I will say I grew up with two white parents, very white parents.

You know, my mom is Irish and my dad is Canadian and turns out my biological father was Mexican.

So at this point, I'm also spinning over.

I'm 50% Mexican.

Yeah, it's funny to this day.

I know a lot of people in your show too.

Talk about your medical information was all wrong and even like when I was filling out paperwork about voting and you say I always put that I'm white and I literally texted I some friends and I was like and I still put on white I wasn't sure I just wasn't sure.

I don't know anything about, I don't know.

I you know I've always been white so I didn't know I didn't know what to do.

I still sometimes don't know what to do but maybe that's normal.

Actually makes me it makes me a little bit sad.

I missed out on all those opportunities to learn the culture and to be bilingual.

And I wish to this day, I wish I was bilingual.

I will say, I don't know, I don't think she remembers being with my biological father.

I don't, I don't know, I know she was lying about a lot of it but I truly don't think that she remembers being with him though.

I will say, my mom was really close to my sister.

My dad was close to me that my purse difficult.

Father was close to me and My mom lives near my sister and not too long ago.

My sister called me and she said, mom is missing.

And I said, what do you mean mom's missing long story short, she she was just at work and her phone broke, and she was there for two days and nobody knew it, but in the meantime, I'm calling like her best friend, who I know, she talks to a lot worse.

The one that I know is covering for her, asking her to have you talked to her, well, the next day, who's found that night.

And then the next day, I got a call.

But as my mom's other really good friend and she said, I still couldn't reach her mom.

Is she missing what's going on?

And so I'm so glad you called me.

I said, we found her.

She's fine.

Her phone was broken.

So her and I start talking, and I know, she's pretty close to this friend.

So I start asking questions and she said something about me, and my mom never getting along.

And I said, yeah, that's true.

We don't get along and I said, did my mom tell you, the latest and greatest why we're not getting?

Along and she said yeah something about your biological father and I said, yeah.

Do you know anything about it?

And she spilled the beans.

Wow, she told me what my mom told her and I my mom gave her friend more information that she gave then she gave me her my sister.

So what

happened?

Apparently?

My mom, my mom had remembered him and she didn't, I truly think she didn't think she got pregnant, but she didn't give me a ton of didn't give the friend a ton.

Kills.

But she gave the details that.

Oh yes.

I remember him.

Just like, why wouldn't she tell me that?

But to me she seems like she has Amnesia.

Yeah, but she just cannot tell me I think maybe because we had a bad relationship and she doesn't want to give up that

control.

Hmm so you kind of got the truth or as close to it as you can.

Yeah

exactly as close as I could so my mom couldn't tell me anything and didn't tell me.

Even a little bit that she did know.

So I pretty much Cut Her Off.

I haven't talked to her in over a year because it's toxic.

If you can't, if you can't trust your own mother to be truthful to you, who can you trust?

Are you a fool to trust your parents?

But you're supposed to, I would think you'd be able to look, I wouldn't want my kids to ever not be able to.

Trust me, I want to always be honest with them but she just, she just can't be to make a long story short in April, when we went out to Sedona my my The one that DNA to use the one that DNA tested the lives in Colorado.

She's the one that found out that were dispersed cousins and her dad, and my dad, her dad, and my dad were actually half siblings, but they were siblings.

So we drove the four hours from Sedona to Utah, and they drove four hours and we met up and we were supposed to meet for lunch, and she was so sweet.

I could I could probably just talking about it, but she was so sweet.

She came over and I was so nervous, of course, right?

We're all nervous.

We meet bio.

Emily and she came, right?

Oh I'm so nervous.

I said to myself like I get a hug or am I not going to hug her is she gonna like how is it going to feel?

You know what I mean?

Yeah and I got out of the car and walked over to her and she's gave me the biggest hug and I was like oh thank God.

Like I'm okay and we're okay, and it's fine.

Well, we sat down and have lunch.

It was me.

And my immediate family, me my husband, and my two kids, and then it was her, her husband, her daughter-in-law, her son, and her grandchild.

So, Is what 125 of them and four of us.

And we sat there and we had lunch in the launch turned into a for our ordeal, which was amazing.

And honestly, it was probably okay.

Aside from the day, my kids were born.

It was the greatest day of my life.

I can honestly say it was the greatest day, it felt like her and I were sisters.

It felt like we were super connected.

I loved it.

I just love it to this day.

I love it and very close.

It was like we didn't miss a Beat.

It was like I've known her my whole life.

Wow, basically.

And at the end of it, since we couldn't buy it, we couldn't DNA test.

My dad, my biological dad because he was passed away at the end of it.

She said, she said to me and I will never forget though.

She said, you can stop DNA testing.

She said, you look like your dad, your son looks just like your dad.

You are your father do not DNA test anymore.

You have your answers but she was very close to him.

That made me really, really happy.

It's funny.

She he was guarded at all.

Bit at first.

Rightfully so I understand she had videos of my bio father.

She likes to, you know, take a lot of pictures and take a lot of videos and she has videos of him and I gently, you know, tried to ask for them once in a while and she never sent them to me.

But after we met that day she immediately went home and she sent me videos of him.

Like she kind of like gave it all off of that make sense?

Yeah, she trusted

you.

Yeah, it was like, okay, like we know for sure.

She's related and it's okay, it's safe.

I cherish those videos.

I cherish them.

I truly do and it's funny.

I went out in May to her house and she had just sent me the clips of videos, you know, on the phone.

And we went to the house, she had family over and we watched some of the videos and then, the long version, it's so weird.

It gave me goose bumps in the long version of those videos.

I could see myself in my dad, which I've never had my entire life but was kind of exciting that was, that was like, really exciting.

And like, I have this, I don't know.

I called, I have like a beak.

Like I have a beak for nose and my birth certificate father has kind of a big nose.

Oh yeah.

That's where I get my nose from, but no.

When I told my bio dad videos, I like that is where I come from.

And it's so funny when we were in Arizona, we also went and drove to Phoenix and thought a different set of cousins to actually sense the cousins, because the family is so big.

And the first thing, one of my other cousin said to me, was you have your dad's forehead?

And Yeah, and he said your dad had a big forehead.

He said, he said, I'm not, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude and he said, I don't mean to offend you and I said, it's totally fine.

I said I'm flattered I said I'm happy that I look like him of happy that I look like somebody.

Yeah, that maybe we yeah, that made me really happy and then they keep saying it's so funny.

Everybody says and my son gets a little bit annoyed I think to hear it because, you know, he's 15 years old and I think it he gets sick of it but Everybody's like your son looks just like your father.

Your son looks just like your father and I have photos and it's funny because my son has red hair, and I always thought he got that from my mom's mom because my mom's mom, had a little bit of red hair.

Well, it turns out and he's got this all these curls, and it's red and turns out it came from my bio dad and he's got these big eyebrows and my bio dad had big eyebrows and I've been very, very fortunate.

All those cousins who sent me photos.

I can see my son in them and every time I see them, I say to my son, you look just like my dad and he's like, I know Mom, you tell me that all the time.

I hope someday he, you know, he doesn't get annoyed with it.

You know, he's a teenager right now, so but it makes me happy.

It makes me feel kind of connected to him.

yeah I will save this, this family that's been amazing and wonderful.

This is my bio dad mother's side.

Hmm hit his father's side when they have.

Nothing to do with me.

So, it's not all rainbows and unicorns and they but they're really, really guarded and it's really unfortunate, I get it.

My bio father had an interesting background, he was in organized crime, and I think that crime side comes from that other

side, okay?

So that's why they're more cautious,

which is really unfortunate because I am 85 percent sure.

I have a half-sibling on that side.

I know about her, family knows about her.

She didn't know that he was possibly her by a father until very recently.

So basically, I came out of the woodwork and people started talking, but I thought maybe she would DNA test, but then her mom caught wind of it and her mom squash that, which is a

shame.

So so that side, you don't know a ton about and in some ways it sounds like maybe that's safer.

Yes,

exactly.

But if you knew my personality, I'm all about.

I don't know if it's because I because of my underlying, you know, things in childhood or that's just how I am.

I always want the truth.

I don't and it and at what cost.

So, I have to like, kind of be careful where I'm at.

Is it worth it?

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure yet.

I'm cautious, I'm being caught, being cautious on that side.

But in the meantime, I have the other side and they're wonderful and they're amazing.

And they Right at home.

I really don't have any other family except this Mexican family, but they're wonderful that they for the most part.

They they have open arms, not all of them, but there's so many of them.

That's okay.

You know, I'll take the good ones and they're fabulous.

So I talked to them.

Probably, I probably talked to at least one or two of them every single day and feel fortunate.

What

are you?

What do you hope to come from your relationship with your newfound?

Family do hope to have any connection with the with Her father's paternal

side, it would be nice, I'm not giving up.

I know I hear a lot of people come on your show and they, you know, after a while sometimes people let things rest and I can understand that because it's rejection right over and over and over again but knowing my personality and also knowing this one cousin that her and I are kind of like sisters now knowing her personality.

Her and I are very similar where like I don't know if we're going to rest until this is we'll see what happens.

I just feel like there's Part of me, that's like there's a reason that I know about her and I need to explore that until I thoroughly explore it and I won't feel like the journey is over.

Hmm, I don't know why.

Yeah, well it's a part of you.

Do you have any hope for your relationship with your

mom?

None.

No, I tried.

I tried for years to cut her a lot of slack because she was, she was brought up with alcoholic parents, so I tried it.

She didn't drink at all, but I try to counter a lot of slack because of that, but when she said to my sister especially was just something that happened, making it seem like it's no big deal and we figured this all out and I sent her a long text explaining everything.

Like how we figured out?

He was my father, my biological father, she just said, quote, unquote.

Well isn't that colorful?

Mmm, so when she says things like that, I'm like there's just no hope for her.

There's no hope she will never apologize and I don't need an apology, I don't but there's No Remorse, there's no empathy.

So why I have other people that I'm closer to a better more, like moms that she'll ever be.

It's sad, but sad, because I know people say she's your blood,

but right, but you have to do.

What makes you feel safe?

How are you exploring this newfound identity.

Have you found ways to connect with your Mexican

heritage?

Okay, so that's a really good question as I have to chuckle a little bit because this This is so Mexican and I am.

So you know, I'm so not necessarily but I try to be.

I'm trying to be a little bit more.

But I do want to embrace it so since my father, my bio father has passed away.

In my amazing cousin gave me photos of him and she even when I went to visit her in May last year she gave me but printed photos of him and and I frame them.

I came home and I framed them and I have set up a little, what's the word so you can alter and well.

Yeah, yes.

Thank you.

I couldn't think of the word of it.

I have a little altar set up in my husband.

He kind of looks.

You like like we're very white family.

So like, if you it's like almost like a shrine for him.

It really is.

It's a shrine.

And it's in our living room in the

Day of the Dead.

Like an old friend are

some.

Yeah, exactly.

Even even okay.

So, that's so funny.

You say that the Day of the Dead because I, when I found out, I was Mexican, I had a year later to almost to the day A year later I had Like a Mexican coming out party with my neighbors and my husband, my husband was away and he he was sweet that he had it catered and I had another friend that was awesome and helped people brought gifts and they didn't need to bring me gifts but my to my neighbors, brought me some really nice gifts.

And one of them brought me a Day of the Dead poster is really, really nice and I framed it and that's in my Shrine.

So I have this built-in shelves in the living room, in my living room, you know, the TV is in the middle, and on one shelf is candles and they The dead and then pictures of my dad and my husband.

He's so we're so white.

He's so white witch who are white, right.

But he said he just shakes his head because he is like is like we have this Mexican China in our living room and people probably like come in like what is that all about?

But I don't think anything of it now and I love it.

I like character every time I walk by it.

I talked since one cousin fairly often and he's always talking about making salsa.

So I got jalapenos and I don't like anything spicy at all day, spicy food.

I just my mom.

You know, we grew up eating like Chop Suey and everything really Bland.

And I tried to make salsa, but I had a ton of jalapenos.

So me being ignorant, cut them, all with my hands, using my hands.

Oh yeah, they didn't wear gloves and pretty much.

Burning up every part of my body because because my hands were covered jalapeno, like my eyes, my ears.

Like everything was everything was burning on me because I learned a lesson though, I learned a lesson that I have to wear gloves, and my other cousin is sister.

She was telling me you have to wear gloves, you have to wear gloves.

When you cut up, hello people.

But they give me little tips like how to make some Mexican food.

I try to.

I do, I do try to embrace it but I wish I was Bilingual.

And it's funny because my whole life, I wish I was bilingual and I did take Spanish as a child, but then I've never, I've never had an ear for it, and

it's not the same as being exposed, to it in the home and everything.

exactly, exactly.

I keep telling them, I won.

Cousin, I'm going to come live with her for six months, so and just speak Spanish to me for six months.

And England, my kids are older, I'll do that because I would like to be able to, you know, I can talk to the lot of the younger ones that there are, some of the older ones that don't speak English, quite as well.

Or at all.

So I there's that language barrier but it's really

cool that you're finding ways to

connect.

Yeah, I think I had a, no, I tried to and I need to learn more about the culture.

What advice would you offer a parent?

Who is withholding a DNA surprise from their

child?

Well, I would say just be truthful but, you know, that's not going to, you know, they're they're not going to do that.

We've known, we know that, People in this situation and Pease, they have parents that are mothers.

They typically are not truthful.

So I would just, I wouldn't even I'm not even going to say be truthful because I think it'll fall on deaf ears.

I would say be honest with yourself, maybe eventually, if you can be honest with yourself the maybe you can be honest with your your children eventually.

But you need to be honest with yourself before you can help your your kids.

It's

a great Point.

What advice would you offer to someone who just Discovered that they're in

npe.

I know it's really tragic for a lot of people would try to find the good.

Try to find the positive, right?

If I even if it's just one, little positive tidbit.

And if you have to cling onto that cling onto it, if you like the size of a grain of salt, just cling onto that because I know it's stressful.

When I know it's traumatic but to get over the that part of that side of it, find the good and hold on to it.

That's great advice.

Well Kim, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

Three.

I hope that your journey continues in a positive direction and that you continue to find ways to connect with your newfound

culture.

Thank you, thank you for everything, thanks for doing this.

I love listing as well as everybody's stories.

All right, so I am joined by Kim and we last spoke in July of 2022 about your DNA surprise, and Kim graciously offered to come back on the podcast.

So we can do an update and share, what she's been up to and how things are going and some other work that she's been doing around DNA surprises.

So, thank you for coming back on Kim.

Oh, thanks for having me, I appreciate it.

So, let's Dive Right In the last time we talked you shared that your bio father is deceased but that you had been able to connect, particularly with your biological father's mother's side of the family.

So how is that going?

Are you still really connected to them?

I would say is constantly evolving.

I am still fairly close to some of them and then some of them it's kind of fizzled out a little bit unfortunately.

And I don't think it's anything that's happened.

Like there wasn't an event that happened but you know people get busy.

People have things going on in my own father, the man that raised me has been having some health issues that's kept me busy and I know I have other family members that their family, their parents have kept them busy.

What kind of at that stage in our life as we're, we're helping them out more, so it makes you, you know, it keeps you busy.

So naturally things have kind of fizzled out in some aspects and some aspects.

I still talk to them on a regular basis depending on who they are.

So I tell you this still a relationship that's good and I know so on your father's father.

So your grandfather side, your paternal grandfather side, there wasn't much of a connection there has that changed at all.

That's the same and that's funny that you say that because any time it comes up I do there's one family member that I really like to reach out to but she is not ready for me or this time.

She's not ready for me to reach out and talk to her, but I do hope that changes and I honestly I totally forgot about it because I've been so busy, but it'll be now on the front burner for a while again.

Yeah, yeah.

And how are things going with your raised family?

I'm still the same position with my mother.

My, I don't know how to speak to my mother and then my own father.

That raised me, he has not been doing well and I don't want to like, I don't want Say too much, but out of respect for him but he has had to move in with my sister and we're kind of trying to manage him right now and figure out where is the best place for him.

Emotionally, physically financially.

How does he treat you now?

So he doesn't really even know.

Still, that he's not my biological.

Father, I talked to the Autism Society that worked with them for a while and they were like, there's really not going to be a benefit to not going to fully understand.

And I think that's true.

There's a lot of things he doesn't understand.

We actually recently had an event with him and his car was stolen and the police came out to his house and the police officer pulled me aside and just said, wow, he's a little bit like a child and I said, yeah, he's so he doesn't, he still doesn't know, but okay, it's a lot to carry.

I carry it for him because I think after talking to a psychiatrist and the Autism Society, I think there's no point to put it to put it on him, it wouldn't help anyway.

Wouldn't help him it would help me.

One of the things that you mentioned, the last time that we spoke is that your sister really had a hard time and and it was taking it very hard.

How is she doing now?

That's why she doesn't really like to talk about it.

She doesn't directly say I don't want to talk about it, but if it comes up, the subject is usually changed pretty quickly.

Mmm, I don't know if it's because she hasn't processed it or she doesn't know what to say, but she's still kind of its kind of the same.

She does.

Not really sure what to say maybe or how I feel about it.

Last but certainly not least, how have you been over the last six months?

Oh, you're so sweet.

I am really, really good.

I know, I can't remember what I said in the last interview but I was planning on going back to get my masters that fall.

And I took a little detour and I'm really, really glad I did it.

I signed up to take Isis with the at the International Association of trauma recovery coaching.

And today, was my last class to become a certified.

Trauma recovery.

Coach graduations.

I'm very excited.

We did a lot of work.

It's funny when I say, I'm, I'm becoming a trauma coach.

I am a trauma coach.

I, when you think of a life coach people have preconceived notions at least.

I did, I know many people do.

I'm not saying there's anything bad about life.

Coaches, I think people don't fully understand what life coaches do now that I've liked in the coaching world, but to be a trauma recovery, coach is even a totally different beast on top of that.

So basically, we're not therapist but we help people reframe the way that they, the way, that they view their trauma.

So we can we don't diagnose, we don't treat, and we're on a peer-to-peer level, but we help them.

Look at their trauma and try to change the way.

You didn't sign inside of them, if that makes sense.

Mmm, did you choose to go into this because of your DNA, surprise, or what made you pursue this?

Because I realized even though it wasn't overly traumatic for me, like you said earlier, it's it was validating for me.

The more and more I dug into it.

I realized, man, this really affects people this really to the core affects people and their families.

And I said there has to be and I was already in therapy.

So I said there has to be A way to help people get through this.

And so, I found this program to npe certification, but in order to take the certification class, you have to in this program, you have to do the trauma certification first.

And I can understand why they want you to know what people are feeling and how to help them get through.

Get through the hard stuff, my being there for them and supporting them.

And I have to, I do have to say that this program is pretty serious about being safe and making sure that The client is safe and they're not doing anything unsafe.

They have a code of ethics.

They follow, we follow a code of ethics and there's working principles, and with the stay within those boundaries, which is pretty incredible.

And I think why director would say that there's not very many organizations out there in coaching that follow a code of ethics.

Yeah, at least that I've seen, yeah, I'll definitely share the link to the program and more information about it in the show notes Here.

Are you hoping to be able to take on clients and support people so I can take on clients.

Now I am doing a little bit of work right now for my therapist friend, I am creating a webinar for her right now on trauma, which I'm kind of excited.

It was a good idea.

I thought on her part it's a good way for me to practice and go over everything.

And so she owns a practice with that.

She does mostly predominately marriage counseling but the people that she sees Is so two out of three adults for effect by effective, in life by a traumatic event.

So if she's seeing six couples, there's a good chance.

All three of those couples are some way affected by trauma and their relationship.

Hmm, so if you have to treat a couple, but you need to get to the root of that trauma.

And try to work on that trauma.

It's important that everybody is trauma-informed.

Is my point.

So I'm working on a webinar for her right now.

It's good.

It's been good for me.

It's taking everything in me.

Learned in the course and putting it in the presentation to help therapists become more trauma-informed or become trauma-informed, depending on their background.

That's so exciting.

I just, I think it's awesome to see where these DNA surprises can lead us, right?

Like, you know, you never know.

And it can be a really traumatic thing for people.

I know for you, it was more validating because you always felt like something was off but to still see you parlay that into helping.

There's that have experienced, that trauma is really commendable.

So, thank you for putting in that work.

I love how you say that because you know, you're right.

It is kind of crazy where it took, you this crazy DNA surprise.

I am in a totally different place than I was when I discovered it over two years ago, totally different place.

Like I could be on another planet right now.

It's, it was really, it's amazing.

And I'm super excited because I'm learning this from there.

My therapist therapist, friends, and people that it's really important for our society be trauma-informed because most people, if they Say, if you meet somebody in there a little bit, there's stuff going on with them.

Most people are affected by trauma and we don't take that to account, we just say, oh that person, you know, we label them, we label them.

Oh, it must be this or they must be that but in reality they're probably touched by trauma in their life in some way.

Hmm, that's true.

So it's giving you more compassion for people.

Absolutely.

It's made me understand more about our society.

And in light of this, I'm curious has your Shin of your mother changed.

Mmm, that's a really good question.

Yes to know.

That's, that's seriously.

That's a really good question.

Well, I'm just I'm curious because, you know, I do think not for everyone.

But you know, that there is sometimes a lot of

trauma wrapped up in

absence of reasons why mother's lie or keeping secrets from us and it's interesting when we are the, for lack of a better word victims.

All of the LIE.

See when you're so close to it when it's so personal.

It's easier to not have that compassion, right?

In those moments.

But as you were talking about that, I thought, hmm, I wonder how this applies to the mothers, that's funny because when I first started taking the class, the trauma certification course.

I did think about it.

I thought, oh, I know that she grew up.

My mom grew up, in an alcoholic family, and I know that affected her.

Mmm, we talk a lot in trauma.

Coaching about interpersonal relationships and interpersonal Bridges.

And when there's trauma, those bridges are broken.

So I do think, the way she was raised in an alcoholic home.

Did affect her Bridges to other people.

Does it make it any easier as a human being as her child to know that the Betrayal?

Not really like I do feel betrayed, I feel she could be honest with other people but not her own children so that feels like a betrayal.

Do I understand that?

She has deeper things that are more serious.

That I do have a little bit of empathy for yes so maybe I maybe I gained maybe 20% empathy have looked at.

Well, it's your journey right?

Like there's no judgment.

You are processing it and managing it the best way that you can, you're absolutely right.

And it's funny, you say that because we learn in trauma, recovery coaching, that something that happens to me, the same thing that happened to you.

And we're going to come out of Differently.

We're it's not going to be the same level of trauma.

Yep.

We're allowed to process everything the way we need to process it.

You're absolutely right.

So I'm letting myself have those feelings towards her, but I do have that a little bit more empathy, another piece that I'm really curious about and I know that you've been super busy.

So maybe you haven't had time to dive into this, but you had a new ethnic identity emerge as a result of your DNA surprise.

Have you been able to spend any more time?

I'm learning more about your Mexican heritage or connecting in any sort of way.

Interesting, you say that because one of our classes, I just took on the program is on marginalization of populations and I looked every at everything before through a white lens, I was, I was brought up in a white home and now I can definitely.

I don't know if I would say.

I've looked into it more per se, like research wise but I definitely look at things with a different lens.

I'm not white anymore.

I'm I'm half Mexican, I'm 50%.

Yeah, I'm not I'm not March.

I was not personally marginalized because I grew up white, but I do think about if I grew up in Mexico or in a people knew I was suspended, wouldn't have changed the way that I was treated.

Would have changed, it would obviously would change everything, right?

Yeah, what's next for you?

Wrapping up this class and I plan on taking the npe a certification course, which is next.

It's just focusing on basically the trauma surrounding becoming an MP e and helping people through that.

I'm really, really excited about that.

Now, that I have the trauma background, I'm thrilled to be able to use it, so I will hopefully be doing that class.

Potentially may be taking on some clients will see.

Hello.

I have to kind of find my Niche.

I told myself when I graduated from the trauma recovery that I was going to give myself a graduation gift and visit my family.

Then, you know life, yeah, yeah, life kids sports and tournaments and like horse shows and things that go on in my own life.

It just it's hard but maybe I maybe know after work we spoke.

I will kind of want to make that happen.

Go see them.

Yeah that'd be amazing.

This is there anything else that you want to share about your journey may be for somebody who is just starting out?

Yeah, I think I think I said this last.

Last time when you can correct me if I'm wrong.

But I think I said try to find the positive in it and I know I'm not minimizing anybody's trauma.

It is a traumatic thing for most people and you have to work through that trauma obviously, but I hope that you can find something.

Just one little thing that could make you happy in the situation and definitely find this.

The right people that can support you people that won't minimize it for you so you can be heard because that's important.

It's important to be heard Tim, thank you so much for checking in in and giving us an update on how you're doing.

Who knows, maybe we'll continue this nice to meet you when I truly do.

Thanks again to Kim for sharing her story.

If you're interested in learning more about Kim's work, all of her information is included in the show notes.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com until next time, Thanks again to Kim for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com until next time,