Dori’s DNA Surprise

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Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

I'm like shaking and I had this physical reaction as well as this very emotional reaction.

Because in that moment, I just thought this is something that I knew could happen.

I didn't think it would happen like this.

I don't know how I thought it could happen or that it could feel better if I heard it in a different way.

I just think when I saw the timeline of things, that's what really was weird to me.

Because I had gone 39 years as an only child Holding family secrets, which transformed me into this person who Advocates to never tell her, hold family, secrets to live in a world without shame and this bomb just dropped on me again.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host.

Most Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who is experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises and Pease.

DCPS at adoptees, aren't the only people who experience DNA surprises found family has them to this week Dory shares her surprise at being contacted by a sibling, she never knew existed.

Dory.

Also shares her experience growing up with family secrets, especially her life being raised by a lesbian couple.

I'm excited to release this.

So, during pride month, because it demonstrates how far we've come and D stigmatizing lgbtqi families.

I look forward to the day when we see families for what they are families, each with as much nuances.

Anyone elses, thank you, Dory, for sharing your story.

So, my name is Jory.

I'm 41 years old, and I'm from New Jersey.

So, I actually come from a family of family secrets,

And one that had more to do with, just what it means to be in a complex family, during a, not so accepting time, my parents conceived me in a heterosexual heteronormative marriage in.

You know, the very early 80s and my mom actually came out as gay when I was probably somewhere between the age of like eight and nine.

When my parents He's divorced.

But she didn't actually come out to me until I was like 11, like sixth grade or something like that.

Like a much harder time to deal with stuff like that.

And so my, my parents met in this very dramatic way.

Like we joke now, it was like the original 90-day fiance without cameras, early, because my mom was this Nice Jewish girl from New Jersey.

Who after graduating college in the 70s, traveled to the UK and and Europe with one of her best girlfriends and met this guy in London outside of the theater to go, see the premiere of The Beatles Yellow Submarine movie.

And he was this Irish Catholic from Dublin, like from a family, that was very poor.

And a lot of kids and you know, he introduced himself and he had a friend with him who introduced himself to her friend and they were like, you're going to see this.

So we're we I mean it was just kind of this like Whirlwind saying and they he said I really liked hanging out with you, I guess didn't.

Let's see if you're traveling, let's continue to do that.

And so she did feel like she felt like she fell in love with him and they fell in love and they had this long distance kind of young.

You know, she was probably, they were probably 22 years old or something and it was just exciting.

And she was, she, I think she wanted to pursue this and she had to eventually go back to New Jersey.

But my grandparents were like, this is insane.

Absolutely not, which I think only fueled her being more determined to meet up with him and stuff, but it was also the 70s.

It was not a time where it was easy.

So my grandmother died.

I want to speak poorly of her.

I loved her, she was wonderful to me, but she would hide the letters that my dad would write to my mom.

And, you know, I think they were doing whatever they could to try to break this up because it felt shameful, you know, they were like, how could you be with someone not Jewish, from a foreign country?

What are her, what are his intentions?

And my mom was just like, we're in love and that's that.

And so she ended up traveling back there.

And and without her family's blessings, married him.

In Ireland and they had to like venture out of the city to find some priest or justice of the peace or anything that would actually marry a non-catholic like, you know, to him and so they got married.

The whole.

Like she said, the whole thing was done in Gaelic show, she didn't even know when they were actually married.

Like she was like is that it?

So I say I do like it was very funny and something like it's one of those stories.

He's, you know, and they got married and I think they lived over there for a while and she eventually was like, we're going to go back to the US.

I think the happiness lasted for a couple of years and and then they decided this isn't working out and they and they broke up and so my dad did go back to Ireland and because it was Ireland at the time I think it was very hard to get granted an actual divorce just based on the Catholic teachings and How the country ran and so they were going to just let it dissolve on its own because the laws were different if you were like legally separated or living apart for six or more years or something.

My mom tried to explain this to meet.

You can just kind of let it dissolve.

And during that time, I think my mom was secretly dating women and exploring that piece of her.

But again, it was a super different time.

Everything was in in the closets and on the down low and my parents, my grandparents certainly didn't know and she had heard back for him, I think it like, the five-year Mark or something like that before their marriage could just kind of go away.

And he said, let's try to work this out.

I miss you, whatever.

And she said, okay I'll try it and I think her biological clock was ticking and she was like I want to have a baby and at the time in the 80s, you know, I know in this community we do talk a lot about donor conception and the cryo Banks and all of that.

And she I wouldn't even have been allowed to purchase sperm, as a single woman, or as an out, single woman that it was, they were only selling sperm, I think until 1983 to.

It was just for heterosexual, couples infertile, men.

So I think for her, you know, some people would would judge her and be like.

So she basically was just going to be with the sky to like, have a baby and it's like, well first of all, people do that all the time and second of all, you know, what were her options really?

I think she thought she could do it.

She wanted to have a kid and so they got back together and had me he was is an alcoholic and I think she and I both watched him turn from this wonderful loving outgoing person.

Just into someone who was very, you know, angry when drunk, not not who he was and he was obviously dealing with his own trauma.

Emma's but would not would not go into recovery would not seek help.

You know they did decide to divorce and shortly after he moved out she moved her best friend in And so that was kind of where more of the secret started to get held.

And so, I was raised by my mom and her partner who we called her best friend, or sometimes it would be her.

Got my godmother, sometimes it would be.

Oh, that's just the housekeeper.

I was told basically by my father, when I was visiting him one night and he had been under the influence and he just started to like ask me like why do you think we got divorced?

Why do you think This, why is she living with you?

Like and I started crying because it's like I knew but I didn't have the language to describe what it means to have a gay parent.

But I knew that if this was happening the way, it was happening.

If he was talking to me the way he was talking to me, this is something bad.

You know, like this caused a divorce, this caused my family to crumble, he wasn't talking to me and like a loving way.

He was trying to tell me like your mom is, is gay without saying those words are Hang it.

And it wasn't his story to tell me either, right?

And so, I called my mom from a visit and I was crying and I was like, I don't know what's happening.

She came and picked me up and I think she was like freaking out at my dad, basically.

She and her partner right after that, we're like, okay, we need to kind of, we need to tell her and so they did and they explained like, do you know what gay is?

You know what this is and I was like the feelings I had in my body because this was before Ellen.

This was like the 90s AIDS was at the height I mean of its crisis.

We people were dying.

It was a gross thing to be gay and yeah, I right away.

It was just like no, this can't be happening to me.

So I was like, okay, yeah.

And they explained it like yes.

We are a couple and you know, these other people that we hang out with like they're gay too.

And anyway they said it and then I think her partner said but this isn't like the kind of information you want to share.

It's cool.

And I said, no problem.

You

weren't hurt.

It was like, no problem

I got it.

I'm feel like this, the shame in the air it was so thick.

And I internalized.

All of that as like coming into this family, always like in this very shameful, weird way.

And so, I actually went off to college.

It wasn't until I went 100 miles away, that I said out loud to somebody.

Like my mom is gay and it was Like such a build-up and so dramatic.

So that my friend who I'm still friends with, who is on the receiving end of this information was like and then what happened?

And I was like no no that's it.

Like I'm telling you my mom is gay.

Look, she's a lesbian and and she was like, oh that's okay.

You know.

Like it was I think she was like I thought something really bad.

Like she did something to you or your?

I don't know.

You were like a beaut.

I don't know

just but you'd been holding on to it first

seven or I

unloaded, right?

So yeah and I I had my own kind of coming out about my family regardless of how I identify with my own, you know, sexuality but I had to come out and it took through the College Years and then going to graduate school, I am a social worker and I realized I want to break stigma when it comes to the LGBT community and the families that they're building and and just redefined family as it is.

So, For years, I graduated I got my MSW in 2007.

I've been a licensed clinical social worker for over 10 years.

Now, I work, you know, eventually worked into creating My Own Private Practice.

I've worked in the adoption world.

I worked now in infertility for for probably four or five years and doing a lot of advocacy around the kits of the lgbtq community knowing their story and having them be recognized, As the gay community tries to Advocate to have marriage equality and create families and with equity.

And and so I've been in this world of like you have to share your story.

You have no family secrets you know I know what it's like to hold my parents shame for inherent safety reasons, right.

And the only way that we can make it a safer world is to is to be open and here's how you do that.

So I literally have a job two days a week at a fertility clinic work.

I'm with all kinds of intended parents and sperm and egg recipients about not just are you feeling emotionally ready to move forward with building your family in this way?

But how do you plan on talking about this with your child one day?

Yeah though I'm not actually donor conceived.

I relate a lot to the children that are donor conceived or through adoption.

And so there's parallels just to a lot of this.

So then I'm living my life.

Covid happens.

My my private practice actually like takes off because everyone's struggling and mental health practitioners, it's like that's the booming business now and so I'm busy.

I'm unzoom all day.

You know, the first like from March to June, I'm feeling it, I'm in it, you know, but I had to look, it was a lot.

I also have three young daughters, whatever their lives and the way their traumas and grief.

You know, and schooling and and then my husband who works in, he had worked in event production at the time he was furloughed.

So there was just a lot of change and pressure going on, and it was very hard to find space for myself.

And I think life is just gonna happen, no matter what.

And I have learned that in times of crisis, in particular, I think we're so forced to sit with these harder.

Ling's and question a lot of things in your own life and you there was so much loss there were so many people dying you know you just realize like what if and there was one night in June 2020 we actually have planned a trip just to be in nature for a few days.

We were like we're going to do our B&B feels like a little safer to get out and New York state was doing a great job of you know, all the covid restrictions.

So you're like this is a safe space and so We decided to book a couple of nights there and, you know, just go somewhere, beautiful the night before the trip and I always get like, very anxious before I go on a trip.

Like, adjust, I get out a little bit of a control thing, probably, but just packing, and the kids and this, and that and getting things on time, you know, I just was so anxious, but I was like finally, okay, we're ready to go.

Let me just check a couple things on my phone.

You know, midnight, Doom, scrolling, whatever.

So I'm like, looking and I see, I have a message in my Facebook messenger and it's from somebody, I am not friends with who I don't know.

So I'm just, like, whatever.

So I click on it and it was a woman, but it was actually a man writing through her Facebook page because he said, forgive me.

I am not on social media.

This is my wife's Facebook, but I am writing to you because I believe we share Are the same father and he named him and, you know, I'm I'm 43 years old, I live in Dublin and I actually learned he was my I learned of him a couple years ago when I turned 40 and I just felt like I wanted to finally get to know who he was, just put like a face to the guy or whatever.

And when I did that search for him and my mother named him, you know that I met these two aunts and he named them, and they were my aunt's.

And they didn't know about me either.

And and they told me about you and that, you know, he has a daughter, her name is story and she lives in America.

And so he actually knew about me for, like, two years.

But it took him that long I think to finally, kind of get the guts and he said, his wife would be, like, maybe now's the time you want to let her know he said, Like I'm private, like I'm not on any social media or anything like that.

He said, I gave you a Google and you were pretty easy to find.

I think because I have my clinical practice that I've written things and publish things and whatever.

So, I'm on the internet, but for good reasons, you know.

So, he he found me right away, but it was, I guess that was his own process.

But in the note, to me in the Facebook message, he said, you know, I'm not, I'm not trying to scare you.

Or a shock.

You I just feel like life is short and you had the right to know this and if it if it were you I would understand if you were to do the same thing and try to find me and I read this and I'm like, you've got to be like, what is it?

You know, I couldn't, it was very shocking but also not because I had spent years estranged from my father when I was 18 and his Alcoholism and his own mental health issues caused me to just say like no more.

I am an adult.

Now I'm not going to do these required visitations.

You know, I had said, I need space and I will call you basically, but I had to cut things off, it was becoming too painful and he wasn't in my life.

He hasn't been in my life at all and I had heard in like maybe the early mid 2000s, he did move back to Ireland.

And I was, I was okay.

I was like moving on, right?

I had these fantasies of well, maybe he moved back and who knows?

Maybe he had more kids.

Maybe he may be there are, you know, I don't know.

Like, maybe there's little kids out there.

I'm related to.

I never thought I could have a sibling older than me though,

right?

Because this means that he already had this child when I came back to your mom.

How much older Nu is he

for years?

I think it happened pretty soon after he went back to Ireland and he was just doing his thing.

And this woman, young woman got pregnant with him, my half-brother now.

And he, he said that his mom had tried to say, like, look, this is your child.

I know this is your child, but for whatever reason, my dad was saying like he was, he didn't want anything to do with it.

For whatever reason, I don't Know what that was about.

Maybe he didn't believe it or maybe he just was like this is not anything.

I want to be a part of right now.

I mean I have no idea why and apparently he had told one brother.

Bye dad.

Again, this is just like the type of Irish he was, he was the oldest of, he's the oldest of 10 children and I think he told one brother and nobody else knew and so him, describing my, my two aunts who were very kind to me when I was little and very nice and loving, when they found out.

We're like very distraught to know they've been living in Dublin for 40-plus years and never knew of a nephew and we're shocked that my dad wouldn't be like proud of that.

So I have a son, you know, like I think they also have had this whole other image of who, my dad was.

And so, he avoided it, you know?

So I'm reading this reading this Facebook, Facebook message and I am, I guess, what you would describe as a Gasper, like, I You'd be so I like smack, my husband like laying next to me and he's like, you know, always been so accepting of my family and the crazy ins and outs of it.

And how we went from being like very closeted to very open.

And by the time I met my husband on our first date telling people I had a gay.

Mom was like Restate conversation, you know, and it was also a good way to like that.

And so when we met in 2006, you know that was still a time where it's like how do you feel about this and his response was nothing you know.

Like he just kind of said, okay.

And I was like, yes, I just want you to like know that he's like that's fine, you became Mom.

Okay.

And that was the response.

I always wanted was no response you know?

Because I dated other guys who would be like whoa I gotta I wasn't expecting that or oh my God, that's so cool.

You know like really excited and I just wanted we just kind of long for the day for it not to be a thing you know an issue.

It's the same, right?

It's just I'm telling you about my family here we're getting to know each other so he has always been very supportive of my whole process and my advocacy work and very accepting and so you know, I kind of like, I smack him.

We're like getting ready for to go on a trip.

He's Next to me and I'm like, somebody is on Facebook telling me right now that they are.

Basically my brother that we share a dad that my dad has a kid.

Like, I'm just kind of create, I'm like, this is ridiculous right?

Like, you know, in my head, I'm like, this is either like some sort of, they've got to have this wrong or because I was like, he says, he's like 43 or 42, like none of this is making sense, you know, at And then he was like what?

Like my he was in this place of like show this to me what is this?

And I couldn't believe it because I was like I literally talk about these things.

This is now happening to me so I was freaking out.

He was like listen Dori.

He tried to just ground me and my husband.

He just said maybe if this is true, maybe it doesn't have to be the worst thing in the world.

You know, because I got into I was in a more panicked state.

And I think associating anything with my dad.

Mmm was already.

So – that I couldn't believe that this was someone really not wanting to do harm or get something for me or, I don't know, right?

Like I was so freaked out.

So what were you worried about in that first Contact, were you worried that he might want something from you?

Well, I think I was worried that it was true and I was also worried at the same time, if someone's telling me this, what if it's all So not true.

What if I get it into my head that I may have this other connection but I think what worried me the most of anything was like now I'm kind of circling back to this part of myself that I really haven't identified with it all for so many years that has just negative associations.

And I think, you know, maybe there was this like, and a lot of other kids that are of divorce or kids of the lgbtq community, we feel This me to be the like, the like the poster child in a way of like look where the success story is.

Like I am in this very stable family now and I'm doing okay.

And look at the work I do, right?

And I couldn't I didn't want to feel like I was now in this whole other struggle.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way, right?

Like it was like this wasn't supposed to happen to me.

I'm not supposed to be shocked by anything else.

Right now, like I've been through enough.

I've done the work.

Work.

I do the work you know.

And I think I just worried.

If it's true, it changes everything.

If he's telling me this and it's not true.

Maybe there's also a grief and loss to that as well because if it's true and it maybe it is a good thing.

Maybe I am supposed to remember this whole other identity of mine.

Like I was essentially raised as a Jewish kid.

I had a bat mitzvah and I This incredibly like the most Irish last name ever.

And so I always joked like I have the first, but I have a bat mitzvah.

It's got to be me, you know?

Like I but I was like, but I'm Jewish.

I come from my mom and I'm Jewish and my dad was Irish.

We don't talk about that part, right?

And so, and I don't look like my Jewish side, I don't look like stereotypical Ashkenazi Jewish.

I look, I look like my Irish relatives but I'd written them off because they're toxic and And, you know, I want to prove that, you know, the alcoholism, right?

Like that's get me to write like that was another fear and you know, like your dad has the gene, you might have the gene as a.

That's the only jeans I got from him.

Right?

Was that one?

So I think I had been in this very black-and-white world for so long of like, either all good or all bad or I'm all this and or Eric I'm not that that him popping in just to say they felt you needed.

To know this. right, or like, life is short and we're in a pandemic and Why now you've known this for two years but now you feel the need right?

Because we all were like anything can happen.

It was just a lot swimming around at once and I was so overwhelmed.

So what did you decide to do next?

Did you respond?

Did you wait, how long before you got back

to?

We waited a day and we still drove up to ethica and we stopped at a rest stop.

And my husband brought the girls into the bathroom and that's when I decided to write back because I was like, I'm gonna take my time the, taking my time, I guess was like less than 24 hours because I think I just wrote back and and said, look, I I'm not really sure where to start.

I think I always thought this could be a possibility, but I don't know.

Can you send me a picture?

I want to know, you're a real person.

I want to make sure I'm not being scammed first.

I wanted to be rational about it and I said, you know, I'm interested in the whole timing of things.

I'm younger than you and my parents did split up, but it's like that wasn't even the thing.

Like, whether there was cheating or anything that wasn't even, it was just the fact that my dad knew this always hate.

And what if for whatever reason, he never told me or my mom didn't really tell anybody and so he wrote back like enthusiastically right after and me while he's writing through his wife's account because it's like this is it like then we were like okay fine, show me pictures it, he sent me pictures of himself and and I saw it right away.

I saw it in his eyes right away, that he was related to me and my dad, and I was like, maybe, I don't know, maybe he's a cousin, maybe it's the wrong.

Like there's a lot of kids, you know, I don't maybe like I went to that place first and and so I kind of did what I would do if I was counseling a patient who had gotten information like this and I said, okay, thank you for sharing pictures.

Do you think we look alike?

Like, I don't know.

And he just wrote back.

He's like I'm so glad you wrote back, you know, I again I'm not trying to scare you.

He was so considerate.

He was so kind.

He's like I'm not even looking for anything.

I just wanted to share this.

Nation and maybe we can get to know each other.

I know that might take time but but yeah, take whatever time you need.

And so he was very like, open and receptive and and so I decided to approach it with okay.

Stay rational.

What would you do?

If you were counseling someone and I said I'm going to talk to a genetic counselor and try to figure out how we can confirm this.

While it's a pandemic while you live in Dublin and I live in New Jersey.

Yeah.

And And I will get back to you because I think when I saw his appearance in the, I just I saw glimpses of my dad and it brought up so many mixed emotions of how I remember him in that happy healthy way and and just, you know, like my dad's deteriorated he's he actually might now have brother had confirmed to me so that he is an assisted living that, you know, the alcoholism.

And I think just other Aging and brain deficits took a huge toll.

And so he is, he's in assisted living and he doesn't really have good short-term memory.

And he told me he's, like I have photos of me with him as well.

If you want to see that.

And I said, no, I'm not ready to see that just yet.

He said, you know, you should know that, you know, I my mom tracked him down and we went to visit with you know, one of the ants and he He didn't really he did recognize his mom but okay, because it like his long-term memories there, but when my half-brother would interact with him, he said, like his speech was poor.

He couldn't really grasp who he was to him, but that he kept saying to him, I'm sorry for everything or like I've I didn't mean any harm.

And so the way he could have taken that versus the way now, I'm taking that information.

And what does that even mean?

It's like that could be interpreted and so many ways like, is it, is it amends or is it just someone who's so ill?

And it's, it's proving.

We're never going to really know why like why he didn't tell us.

But I think what I struggle with is that, even if he knew there's a possibility that there was this other child out there, All he had to do was tell us, you know, my mom didn't have to do anything, it didn't sound like my half Brothers, family needed him to do anything.

It's all he had to do was tell us and that could have literally changed everything for me because I grew up wanting a sibling so bad idealizing.

Large family is my best friend, who I've known since kindergarten was one of three intact family.

I was the kid.

Kid that was always tagging along with them on their like outings and family trips.

And I would sometimes in my head, be like, I could pass for this family, you know, just what it means to be normal when I was struggling so hard being an only child and bearing, the weight of the secret and wishing, I just had one other person that like knew what it was like to have a gay mom in a time.

That was so homophobic and a child of divorce.

In a time where we didn't really talk about that as much, you know, right?

Like, we're only talking about a 30 years ago, but it was so bright friend, so different.

And I like people don't kids today, don't understand the pain.

And so I decided before we go any further, I mean, he's, it's he's confirmed enough information for me to be like, okay, I can't believe this, but I said before we go any further, I want to confirm it.

So I made an appointment like via Telehealth with this New Jersey genetic counselor in a private practice and I explained to her what was going on, how this just happened and and she said, oh wow.

Okay yeah.

So I would recommend, you know, you just do a home testing kit and I said, okay, which one what's the best one to confirm?

You have a half-brother in Ireland.

We really want because I don't want to do any more searching your feet.

Like you need to just Me and so she said, do 23andMe, because it's a smaller database.

If you're just looking to confirm like relatives and a specific relative at that, it will filter out some of, like, more fluff of people that are like, .000 related.

She's like, you sound really overwhelmed by this so let's not whatever.

Just she said, do do that one and you have to like, click on the relative to find her and all of that and she said it would be Be like anywhere between like a 23 point, something percent to a 25% confirmation for a half-sibling to the point where they would name him your half sibling if that's the case and I said, okay, and it goes International and she said, yes.

And I said, great just like it's everywhere.

Now, I said, I know.

Okay, let's making sure.

And and so I told him I said before we go any further let's let's do a home testing kit.

I think this will help.

I think it'll help if we're gonna Establish some kind of connection here.

I need to know for sure, like can't dispute it that we are, in fact, siblings and and he said, okay, that's a great idea.

Sure, tell me what you're buying and I'll buy the same thing.

And so we exchanged emails at that point, I went online and I said this is the 199 dollars whatever and he did it and he actually I think sent me proof.

That he bought.

It seems like a really nice person again, skeptical, because I couldn't associate anything nice.

Like with my father's side which is sad but so in that time we kept each other posted about our testing and you know I said okay I got my kit.

I'm sending it off.

He said, okay, mines in like the Netherlands right now.

I'm waiting love lot, like we just stayed in touch by email.

And and through those emails we would add some More information about ourselves and our families and I told him what I did and he was like wow this is quite ironic and I knew that this was going to open up something you know, like the whole Irish identity.

You know, I never wanted to change my last name.

I always felt like that's not a feminist thing to do and it's still my name.

So even though on paper people assume, I'm this like Irish person which I am.

I am, you know, but I wasn't identifying really, with that piece of me, I kept my name and I know that there's pieces of me that holds onto that side, that doesn't fully let go even if I don't Affiliate or talk about it as much, you know.

Like people would talk about Irish culture and I'd be like, Oh, I'm half Irish, you know, I still would just have this automatic response or I would see, you know, pictures of higher level would be like, you got to go, you haven't gone.

Like I never went, my dad never took me, I don't know.

He would go on trips there but I'm sure it was just so he could do whatever he wanted, you know, I and I don't think my mom ever would have trusted him to take me anywhere alone, especially another country where like, maybe I wouldn't be able.

Come back because I can easily get citizenship, you know, she had those fears.

So I think she also was afraid to engage a lot with the family even after they were divorced.

So yeah.

So as we were waiting for the results which took longer than I wanted, you know, we would add tidbits, we both loved to travel, we both were big, big animal fans and you're starting to find like things in common, which was nice.

And he continued to sound really normal and It's like, okay, maybe there's a good side to this whole Irish thing.

And, and then the results came and it comes up in the app, you know?

And and it was confirmed, like no doubt, not even a possibility of anything other than a, we are naming him as your half-brother.

How did you feel when you saw those

results?

Are you?

That was when I think the grief came in, you know, grief for a life, I could have known and and for myself, and A whole identity, the whole side of me, I was glad because I like the guy I was like he's turning into a good person.

Maybe this, you know, I'm all about redefining family and you know who says you can't just form these relationships later in life.

But But that's when The Grieving came in.

That's when the whole.

Okay, I'm not a counselor anymore.

I'm not rational anymore.

This is now a process and, and it's been A very non-linear Journey since that summer of 2020.

And some days where, you know, I just I grieve that loss of my like, younger self and the what could have bends and just so much.

And I went through a whole process of telling my mother, and I remember like, that was so hard for me because I think I was worried that she was going to take this and make it about her.

Or like, I don't know, have anger toward my dad and I knew something like this, you know, I just thought she would take.

It to that place.

But she actually was like you know what?

This makes a lot of sense in some ways, right?

Like, I know we talked a lot in Psychotherapy and now in this community about the unthought known and how it's like you always know something's up.

Like I knew that with her and her sexuality but I didn't have the language and no one was talking to me about it and maybe for her she always thought he could have done, whatever, I'd like some other bit, you know, like she said, I'm not.

Is this timing makes a ton of sense to me, kind of like my husband.

She was like, maybe this is okay, right?

Like everyone else was like this is wonderful.

This is exciting.

I still to this day.

I'm kind of in this place that this is going to take awhile.

Like I am rebuilding trust in this aspect of my life, right?

Of like this is a big aspect of my life you know.

I am a Jewish person and I am an Irish person and being an Irish person is so much more More than the sadness and the struggles is associated with, you know, just from my own personal experience with it because everyone else was in Ireland.

I didn't have those other people to give me a good example.

Have you taken any steps to kind of reconnect with that part of

yourself?

So, you know, it's funny.

So my now half brother and I have just stayed in touch regularly.

Actually zoomed a couple of times and I think he, this is like the Irish people with culture, you know, they're like so, proud of themselves and they love, like, sending me things from Ireland.

And I remember that for what I was a little kid.

Like, there's pictures of me with, like, these, like sweaters and matching hats like from sheep's wool, and it's so Irish looking, and he would.

So he sent me.

A whole bunch of like, Irish food and treats.

And, and for my birthday this year, he sent me to really beautiful like coffee table books about Dublin then and now, and Ireland from an aerial view.

And, you know, I think he is just happy to help me get in touch with that a little bit more.

I have yet to reconnect with like any other relatives.

He formed a relationship with one of my aunt's and and they stay in touch but I think he's really been good at like following my lead and just being like let me know when you want me to tell her you know she was the one that told him about me but what's different is it's the biggest difference is like he had years.

To process the fact that there was this person out there that was probably his half-sister and he took a while, it took him a while to like actually contact me, he knew exactly how to find me.

A contact me.

So he was already ahead of me in terms of like, let's maybe jump in and maybe we can form a relationship.

I was I'm still not 100%, you know?

I'm still like testing.

And and building trust and realizing this doesn't have to be so black and white.

I guess.

When you think about the future, what do you hope for?

Do you want to meet him

like I do?

No, we have talked about that.

And and he would love to, I think come to the United States, and come to New York and other various cities.

I think he's only been to the u.s. once and it was like Michigan, by way of The do something.

So it wasn't like a real.

I do, let's explore the u.s. thing and I do hope that I can find some peace with the fact that this is what happened enough to feel.

Like I'm buying those plane tickets, one day and we're going to do this.

And I know that it would be just a whole, a whole new world of what you lose.

But what you gain, right?

Yeah, I'm really struck by.

How How similar your experience is to and Pease and yeah, peace in terms of both the shock and what you were saying about the grief for a life lost or a path loss so to speak.

What are some things that you're doing to come to terms with

that?

I mean, I think I'm just letting myself feel these feelings.

First of all, I'm not pushing them away or in denial and I'm talking about them, right?

Like I'm not going into like a whole shameful secrecy place.

I I sometimes wonder if the pandemic in a way pushed me to explore this more quickly.

I do recognize like we have no control.

I don't world's, it's like, not just the pandemic, but like I thought I had my life.

Kinda like, I knew what to expect.

To right.

And then suddenly this happened, but I can control how I'm going to react to it.

And so, I had, you know, good days and bad days and like the first year.

And now I think I just continued to, you know, feel it all.

I think what's interesting, though, when you say, I have these similarities to the end PE or the MPEG, or like, you know, the dcpd, like all these communities, who I support so much.

And I find like you said, The commonalities, I feel that connection and I was really happy when a member of the MP group invited me in because I didn't know if I was one and you know, like I don't have the miss you know, the non-parental event.

I have a parental event.

Yeah I have a parental event, not a non-parental event to like that didn't change for me, but it still changed everything in my family in my identity and the secret, right?

And something that was my right to know.

This was my right to know, but I don't know what to call myself.

What's the language, right?

Because I've learned like, okay, I have words for the, you know, the kids of the lgbtq community.

I words for like, you know, working in adoption and fertility, you know, and it's like when you have a word to describe yourself, you exist.

But what's the word for the person who's been found?

And it's a half-sibling, kind of It's and the parents aren't involved in it whatsoever.

I that I'm curious to know maybe I have to coin something.

I haven't heard any terminology for this kind of experience but it really is so similar.

So I always ask everyone at the end of every episode, what kind of advice would you offer a parent?

Who is keeping this kind of information from their child?

Well, We can't get a time machine and I think it's just important to note that it's not just like this personal decision.

I mean, it is a personal decision if you choose not to disclose right?

But I also think there are so many systems that play in the world of infertility and the world of Reproductive Medicine in and just the still world of what it mean, a family forming right.

And how we're

Scientists still taught like well maybe if you pass, you don't have to talk about it or if infertility itself for Reproductive Medicine and the need of donor gametes is, is there, right?

Like it's so rooted in shame, it's still so rooted in shame and so I do have compassion for those that didn't disclose and I get it.

And I think we're doing better now undoing some of that shame I'm with this next generation of intended parents who are coming in and being like, okay, yeah, I guess everything's got to be out there, right?

So how do we do that the right way?

I just want to note that for other people, that I know are angry.

That I know are resentful that, I know are hurting and that, I know have every right to know their information.

I am so for that, you know, we can't undo it, you know, because I think they were advised, maybe you'll never need to know, maybe it's better.

Your child doesn't know, you know.

And parents held on to that because I think that was their own internalized.

Shame built on just these systems as well, so I have compassion.

But what advice?

Oh, gosh, no.

Family secrets and you have your story that you're going to feel a certain way about what your child is going to have their own story and their own journey and they are the narrator's of that story.

And the more Fashion that you can share with them over time the better for everybody because I think keeping secrets as parents.

That's not good for you guys.

Either, you know that hurts Secrets make you sick.

That's what I feel.

That's where I would start.

You know, I when people come to me, I'm I I'm pretty clear about the importance of disclosure and that this is an ongoing journey and I think parenting in and of itself is an ongoing Journey, right?

You never know how to do it perfectly.

We're all human beings and you're always allowed to do over, maybe you talked about it and then you were like, what did I just tell?

My child, you can go back to your child and say, Hey, I've thought about it and what I meant to say was,

Exact is.

And how did that make you feel right?

Like that's modeling good behavior.

Yeah, that's excellent advice.

Thank you.

So I haven't had a chance to ask this question before, because I've never talked to anyone on this

side.

Being found bound bound

sibling.

Yes.

But what advice would you offer?

And I know that you're still in the midst of it, but what advice would you offer to someone who has just been contacted?

By a newfound

I would say to keep an open mind and to give it a chance and only because I think it's easy to default to the, oh my God.

But what if this is bad instead of the but what if this is good?

You know, what if this is an opportunity and you can always disengage but I think it's harder to live in the in the what ifs you know?

This is just, this is happening.

So So much.

It's just my hope that with our stories being told the system's change as well.

So I do appreciate the very brave people becoming vulnerable alongside me, you know, with all these different stories to just create the awareness and Remind those with power.

This is how we've been impacted

will Dory.

Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story and being vulnerable.

It was so nice to hear from someone who is on the other side of a DNA, surprise.

And I also really appreciate you offering some advice based on your work experience.

So best of luck on your journey, I hope that you continue to build a relationship with your brother.

And thanks again.

Thank you and see you to Alexis.

I'm so grateful that you're doing this.

Thanks again, to Dory for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprised that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

And if you haven't yet, please rate, review And subscribe to the podcast on Apple podcasts and Spotify.

Until next time.