Whitney’s DNA Surprise

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Speaker 1

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Speaker 2

I will add one of the most profound things that I think really made me shift.

And revisit this whole thing was the other side of the situation.

Whenever he said, I just can't understand why your mom didn't think that.

I was good enough to raise you and I was like, Wow, Wow.

And I said, you were, you are?

And I said I don't

It's never been that, but I think that really put that into perspective, and I remember saying you are and if you want a relationship, absolutely open to it.

You know, I said, I know it's 25 years late but I know that you're a good person and I would be lucky to know you.

So I think we both had that moment agreed to

pick this thing

up.

Yup.

And figure out what to do with them.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event in Other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP, he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Before we begin, please know that there is a mention of suicide in this episode.

If you or anyone, you know are struggling with thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at eight hundred.

Two seven, three, eight, two, five, five.

By the time Whitney learned the truth about her npe status.

She'd already suffered the loss of the man.

She believed was her father.

In this week's episode, Whitney shares the long journey of getting to connect with her biological father.

She shares a wise and compassionate perspective on life and the actions of others.

Thank you Whitney for sharing your story.

I'm Whitney.

I'm 25 and I live in Mississippi so that's where I was born and raised and maybe I'll move one day.

But currently Mississippi to give background, like I said, I was born and raised here and so growing up.

It was me.

I have a younger brother, so he's three years younger, and as far as I can remember, you know, my mom and dad were separated, never kind of really was weird to me, just because that's how I grew up that was just life up until I was eight and he committed suicide.

So, you know, that was a big, big deal like a big life change, so I knew at eight, you know, he had struggles like it, brought up a bunch of It kind of made me aware of mental health.

So, again, double edged sword would have rather not have gone through that, you know, at eight.

I knew that here I am and I have no doubt anymore.

Not in the physical sense.

So, that happens.

You just adjust and kind of get to know life now and we actually moved to a different town.

Probably about an hour hour and a half away.

Six years ago by we've established in this new town.

And, you know, I see my mom.

She had actually found this guy on social media.

Poor rediscovered.

This guy guess I should say.

And I've seen her, you know, looking through photos and I'm not, you know, I don't know what to make of this but one day, Day and keep in mind, you know, I'm 14 at this point.

She calls me in, to talk to her and she just laid it out.

And she was like, you know, I have to tell you you're at this age now, you know, your dad is not your dad and I'm just like what?

And so back to the Facebook thing, she was looking at this Facebook because she had rediscovered him on social media.

So, that was, you know, my birth father's Facebook, that she had rediscovered.

So that's kind of where that comes into play.

But she just said, you know, this is your real dad.

So, you had spent six years between when your birth certificate, father, who you thought was your father died and am you discovered the truth six years?

Yeah, you know, and talking to her, I think.

She says that, you know, she had planned to tell me when I was old enough to understand but I think the social media thing, you know, him coming at kind of coming to the Forefront, you know, maybe brought it up.

But yeah, six years in between and so I still to this day.

Can't describe what goes through your mind when you learn that.

It's just it's the biggest shock I think I've ever had really.

Yeah.

Did you say what did you do?

I really I don't think I said anything.

I think at most a man said, what do you mean?

You know, and she was like, you know, your dad that we lost was not your biological dad, this is your real dad and I had to leave at that point.

You know, I think I left the room and I think I really just had to process even just the bare minimum of what, you know, she had told me.

Me.

Because what do you do without especially at 14, right?

That's a complete shock, I'm still process it, you know, to this day but I think it's such a shock and I think that's what I've seen.

So common when I read other stories is that it's just this big profound shock as the only word that I can come up with, but I think you know, whenever you're born, you learn who your parents are.

You learn who's there to care for you and protect you and you develop a sense of self like who you are based off of where you come from.

And I think that's the building blocks and I think that you from their kind of develop your own personality.

So whenever even at 14, you have a sense of kind of who you are.

So I think whenever you add any older age kind of just absolutely destroy those.

Very specific.

Building blocks.

It just shakes, your whole Foundation.

Do you have any suspicions before she told you?

So I know, you know, looking back even that night that she told me.

I'm thinking that's why.

No one ever told me that I look like him.

No one is ever told me that, you know, my brother complete spitting image, you know, of the father that we lost, but I would always look for things like, whoa.

You know, we have brown hair, but in reality, we have no common features.

We really had no common personality.

Traits are habits and it was like, that's why were you close to your dad?

I was pretty close to him.

I mean, even at eight, which is a young age so that was a shock to because I think whenever you have, you know, the issues that he struggled with part of which were Financial, you know, my eight-year-old, my eight year old brain is thinking what if he knew?

Do you know, maybe he wouldn't have been so financially stressed because if I'm not sure, if you don't have to take care of me, if you know just trying to reason with things but you know I'm told that he knew which was surprising.

Okay.

So he didn't know.

So that's what I'm told, and all I can really go off of is, you know, and that situation what I'm told.

So I'm assuming what I've been told which is Honorable that, you know, even when that relationship With my mother fell apart, you still kept contact and you still, you know, were a father.

So if that's the case that is Honorable, you know, but the same time should have known you know I would have liked to have known from the beginning so yeah so so your mom and dad that that raised you until you were eight.

They divorced at some point they actually split up maybe when my when my brother was a year or two.

To, you know, they were, they were pretty young.

So these were my mom was 18.

I think he may have been a, you know, a couple of years older.

So, these are all so young young adults trying to make sense.

I have to try to look at it from every point of view.

So they're young and they find themselves with two kids and that didn't work out.

So yeah, they split up which, you know, at that age, that's Like I said, not really strange to me because that had been my reality is far as I remember.

So and he still continued to play the role of of your dad even after the split you know his childhood is a whole story in itself but I think he did the best that he knew how but I can't help.

But wonder, you know, did he know what did he think about it?

If he knew, you know, did your mom's share more information later as far as what happened with your biological, Father, you know, naturally, I think after had process that I have questions, like, how did this happen, who is this person that I'm looking at?

And the first thing I noticed, you know, I'm looking at the pictures of this stranger who I'm now told, has you know, DNA that I have?

And I see the similarities and it's a shock but you know, so naturally I'm wondering.

Well how did this happen?

You know.

Wow.

So Basically, the story that I got was said, they dated briefly in high school, this happened against my better judgment or, you know, what have you, and they had actually split up.

He had plans to actually go to Police Academy.

She said he had his After High School, life planned out and when she found out, they had already split, they decided that they're going separate ways.

It's just best that I stay together.

Now, when she finds out that she's pregnant, You know her plans for after high school life or then just tossed.

And so she had this decision to make and she says that she saw how detrimental that that was not, I guess not detrimental.

But how much of us shift had happened when she found out about me?

And she chose not to do that to him somewhere in there in that timeframe.

She met the father that raised me.

And so they're together.

Either and she basically lays it out and says, you know, this is a situation.

This is whose baby.

It is you have decided not to disrupt his plans and tell him.

So what do you want to do?

And she says that he said, well I you know, I just want to raise her like she's ours and I don't want to talk about it again, so that I'm told is the reasoning and the the how that they got to that decision, you know which she reminded me that from at 17.

You know, fixing to be 18 year old standpoint.

It seemed like the best decision to make so I could say that I agree with it or I don't but I think at this point it doesn't really change anything.

I just have to say you know, that's the decision that she made, you know, and here we are so.

So after she tells

you the

story and what happened and why she made the decision she made what happens next?

You want to reach out to To your biological father at that point.

And that's really what she asked me.

So she tells me, you know, the details of everything and which you know will add.

She said that he did go on to reach his goals that he had set for himself.

So she said that for that small reason, he was happy that he had the opportunity to do that and you know she she offers regret for making that decision because it you know, she says that it's not the right decision.

I don't think that was but Also, from there, what next?

And that's basically how it was laid out to me.

Do you have interest, do you want to proceed to, you know, do you want to reach out and she was supportive in that, you know, if you want to reach out, we I will go to the ends of the Earth, to put you into contact with these people.

If not, we'll leave it alone, but naturally, yeah, I'm curious.

And so, I want to say, she messaged him on Facebook.

Facebook even and the Facebook page disappeared.

So, not a good sign.

I don't know what exactly was said, and maybe Facebook wasn't the best approach, but I'm not sure what other avenues were possible at that point.

So well, we ended up doing was reaching out to his mom.

So my biological grandmother, you know, this point moms like a mediator because I'm 14.

I have no idea what I'm doing, right?

So we reach out to Her.

And I remember we called her for the first time and so nervous.

And I'm talking to this this woman I've never met and she said, I've seen pictures already know the answer and I'm just thinking I've seen pictures, I'm a little curious, but you like you know she says, I know, you know, we're just talking and she's the most welcoming lady that I've ever taught.

Talk to and so we proceed because I'm still not convinced, this is still a lot.

So we at some point, you know, set up a DNA test and that's actually who we ended up meeting with and doing the DNA test was his mother.

And I remember, you know, I met this little petite skinny lady, who just, she says, what she feels and she, she is her own person and I met her and it was just like this for Millions.

Feeling I'm still not sure.

You know until these test results come back but it was something about her.

That was so familiar.

I mean my interest is piqued at this point.

It was a short timeframe and we get the test results back and she's, you know, 99.99% of my family.

And I'm like, wow, this is real, did she provide any context or reasoning?

But behind why?

Your father deleted his Look, Paige, did, you know, at this point that he didn't want to talk to you or with there any discussion of that there?

So there was and she mentioned, you know, his pages is gone, you know, he deleted it again.

I don't know what exactly was said, but I knew at some point that his Facebook page has been deleted.

So that's kind of a clear message, which I'm thinking to, you know, if someone told me that I would probably freak out too great.

I think one thing that I respect with His family.

At this point, I'm talking to his family, his mom, they didn't just offer up his contact information out of respect for him and I never just ask for it you know, because I knew that if they knew of me especially her, you know, especially his mom.

I know she's going to talk to him about it and know that he knows.

So the ball is in your court at that point.

So I didn't have a direct Avenue of contact.

I think, at some point we knew his address.

And they be sent letters to his house.

I don't remember what they say or what they said.

I knew though that he he had two other kids so he has two younger kids, man, new to he lived with their mom.

So I'm also considering the dynamic of what the introduction of me would do to his family.

At this point, I'm learning through his mom, you know, about him and I learned that he's still the police officer and I'm learning that he's a great dad, you know about son and daughter and that he's a great guy and I learn from as I meet his family that our personalities are very similar.

Even just facial mannerisms are very

similar.

So, I'm learning crumbs about this guy, you know, that I shared actual DNA with.

But if you get to meet and I kind of

Learn that his his Dynamic at home has got issues of its own.

So I kind of just chalk it up to that because at this point, you know, we'll fast forward a couple of years so everyone kind of knows and I've not heard anything from him himself.

So I'm kind of getting the idea that there's, you know, no interest there.

I knew that his his other kids mom at that point was not very approving of of me or this situation.

I can't blame her, you know, because that's a big deal.

So I think she hindered a couple of things, you know, or this situation in general which again, I can't entirely blame her but I think I knew after a couple of years of this was probably as far as that situation was going to go.

So I'm I've got family members that I gained but I'm still I have like this question mark now in the place of Really where I came from.

So that was, it was a lot going on.

How did you feel about that sort of, not necessarily like, outright rejection?

But sort of, you know, the fact that he hadn't reached out to you you were 16 17 at this point.

It's not right.

So how are you dealing with that?

So I think the way that ideal best is really just self-reflection and just talking it out with myself.

If I think if they're P works and I probably should have been in therapy.

Honestly, I think it's a fantastic resource.

But at this point, I don't have that.

So I'm just kind of reflecting on everything in a myself and it's there so many sides to the way that I could look at it.

But, you know, I have on one end of the spectrum, I feel terrible.

I mean, it's like I can't catch a break, you know, I have a great dad and I lose him and in my pity.

I'm thinking he didn't even care to hang around.

So I feel terrible and then I have a my dad who I just found out about and he just doesn't have any interest so that was a lot to deal with from, you know, a self-confidence point of view.

There was even a step down in the mix.

That was ended up not being a great guy.

So I'm just thinking, I'm just not meant to have a father figure.

This is just the universe laughing at this point so that was pretty tough.

To deal with especially at that age at the same time that I'm dealing with the situation, I have to really dive deep and try to understand mental health.

And I had to, you know, teach myself that it's not that someone who left me out, right?

Someone had a mental illness, you know that?

They they lost their battle with.

So once I once I kind of dealt with that situation I think I kind of moved on to processing this next situation that I'm in and I think, I kind of came to terms with the fact that I know that his he has kind of turmoil with the situation that he was in.

When I came about, you know, he's got two younger kids and he's got, you know, their mom that me and I'm thinking, you know, some group degree.

He's trying to make a relationship work.

This is a lot for this guy, you know, and then on the back burner you have this situation that has come about.

So instead of taking his, you know, his Silence or his lack of contact as an insult.

I'm thinking he just can't handle it right now.

You know?

And that's okay.

And I had to know that when I decided that I was curious and wanted to reach out, I had to remind myself that you didn't know how I was going to turn out.

You know, then that again I can't have expectations.

If you don't have expectations you can't really be disappointed.

So I just reminding myself that this was a possibility.

Of me reaching out, you know, no contact.

So I've been steadily work it out.

I think it helped that I knew and I was hearing from other people that he was such a good dad to his other two.

And I thought, you know, at least this like this is not turning out well for me in multiple ways, but I think it really helped me knowing that at least he was a really good dad to these other two.

And if me staying in the The background helped him be that then that's exactly what I actually wanted.

Because if there were at least two kids in the world who had something that was good and something that worked and he was present, then I will be fine.

I will be perfectly.

Wow, so that is such a compassionate and mature perspective especially as a teenager.

Wow, I think that made me feel good because the more that I've heard that he was there for him.

I knew That in my head he's not a bad person because you know I'm I still haven't met this guy so I'm kind of I can see my mind trying to work out and put pieces together and have a mental idea of who this man is and I hear from his family that he is such a great dad and that if he decided to reach out that it would be great because he is so great.

And so in my head, I'm picturing this guy who's just kind of stuck between wean multiple situations kind of just like I am and I think he's just trying to make sense of it all so you still have not met him so I have so have.

Okay okay we went in total a stretch of ten years with no contact.

And at this point I've just I've Honestly made peace with it.

You know, I talked to his mom often I go see her.

Even I talk to, you know, his his sister On talk to my cousin's.

So I talked to his family and I know that he knows I'm involved, but this is just our Dynamic and I'm used to just non-conventional situation.

So this is my normal, you know, so I have great relationships with them, and I'm thankful for it and not just that's what life is, it just as bad.

And then one day I'm at work and you know I get a message for my cousin on his side so this would be his nephew.

And he said your dad wants to talk to you.

And I was like, what, what do you mean like?

This is bad?

Like, you know, and again, I want to point out that I think it was great the way his family handled it because no one knowing, just gave me means of contact on his end.

I didn't have any way to contact him.

I never asked because I didn't want it to be that way.

I think at certain points members even, you know, members of my mom's family maybe case Two.

I think they did kind of push it the issue too harshly and I remember asking for them to not happen, I didn't want that.

He has means to contact me and I've just know at this point, it probably won't happen, you know?

But today I got that message.

I was just like I was shocked again because this I had put to bed years ago.

This would not happen.

So what do you say?

Say, yeah.

So I think I work day and I'm wondering, you know, because my cousin at this point he said, you know, he wants me to send you his his phone number and so I was like,

okay, so he sent it to me and I have this man's

phone number on my phone, like old my screen, his phone number and that shocked me because for 10 years, I did not have that.

And now right ask Invar contact and those are very slow rest of the day at work.

It passed very slowly, my bad.

How do you start that?

So I think I messaged him and I said, hey, this is Whitney you wanted to you wanted to talk And I think that's the first message I sent.

So we did he and he was like, yeah, I'm still at work.

I'll call you later.

And I'm like, I still don't know what to prepare myself before.

There are no articles really to read or books on, how do you talk to your

dad for the first time at 25?

So I'm just like, I don't know.

So yeah, I was very shocked but it was it was on his own time and And that night I actually ended up being a very big.

I think pivotal point in this whole situation because that night he called me and we talked for hours.

So like I said before, I've kind of constructed in my head this understanding in this idea of this guy and I think I kind of was pretty spot-on with some of the things I think I had made up in my mind about him, but I want to say, I picked up the phone and I was like, well, What do you think?

And I think I was talking about this whole mess, you know?

And so we finally got the missing piece that I

really thought I would never have and that was his side of the story.

And it was really sad, I think because he never knew, I mean he found out when I did and, you know, they had him in my mom had dated so briefly that he vaguely remembered her and then he finds Zout he said, you know, find out I have a 14 year-old out there and I'm shocked and you know I didn't I couldn't make myself to be mad, you know, because I knew that he had to have had a reason to not speak for that length of time.

And I said, well what like what's been going on in your head and basically it was that his situation that he was in, you know, was not a good situation, it was not as steady.

And I remember him saying, like he said, my first reaction was, why are they doing this to her?

Now at 14?

You know, if you decided when she was before she was born to keep it.

A secret white.

Also her life up, you know, 14y tell her now, he said, I couldn't understand.

That's a good question.

Why did your mom decide to tell you at 40?

Well, no, I think I think I would have found out at some point.

So maybe it was best to go ahead and tell me, like I said, she mentioned that she had always planned to tell me and he could understand that.

I think after he asked that question, I don't know because, you know, if you plan to keep it a secret stick with it, maybe, you know, I can at least have some normalcy, but he couldn't understand why he said, you were 14.

I couldn't imagine it 14.

Getting that news like he said, I don't know what I would do with that and he said I could not understand why they were doing that to you.

And why I was getting such push into this situation which I learned later.

I said, you know I didn't I had no idea that you feel like you're being pushed into it because I don't think that's right.

So I was really glad that I got to make that clear and I said you know I really don't know, I really don't know and he said, I hated knowing that you were going through that.

And that was pretty big and I mean he apologized for the length of time and he said I knew that my situation was not good at home and I didn't want you to have to deal with that situation.

You know, I didn't feel like that would be good to bring that into your life on top of everything else, but I wanted to reach out when life was more stable when I was in a better place to offer some things, you know to offer.

I guess myself being in a better place to you, which I think was a really big selfless thing.

So when he says he wanted to be in a better place, did he mean like emotionally was?

He struggling with something or was it his relationship with his with the mother of his children?

I think it was the relationship because that was a big deal.

There was a lot that they were basically trying to determine the future.

Future of that relationship.

And you know, the kids and there was that's a big big situation and itself when you know, when you're in a relationship that isn't working, you have two young kids involved, which I'm so glad that he made that front.

Where do you?

Because again, they are younger children.

I'm older at this point.

I've coked this far.

So I'm going to be okay.

But I really respected that and I agreed with the decision, you know, and I got to tell him that I completely understand because They'll to me came first, you know, I'm older.

Now, even at 14, I think I had already kind of been forced to mature more than kids my age.

So I'm going to be

okay, you know.

But I think if they don't have to be exposed to any of these crazy things, then that's the better option, you know, the mother of his other children really did not Harbor any good feelings towards me, good attitude and I think that As long as she was in such close proximity, you know, living together, or just emotionally involved.

I think it was never going to be a good situation if he opened that up, how old are your younger siblings?

So now I'm going to get it wrong but I want to say ones.

Maybe 13.

They're also like three years apart which I thought was interesting and his daughter is older and then he has a younger son.

Which I thought was interesting because I'm older than my brother who you know, more also three years apart.

So there's an age Gap, you know, but not much.

And I also thought it was interesting that you know his his parents are they're still together.

They're still married, they're very involved with his other kids, which I think is fantastic, but because I was going over there.

Pretty often there were numerous times where I actually That being at their house at the same time, which was big.

And I remember, you know, here's this new situation.

I need to figure out how to deal with.

And I remember asking our grandmother, please don't tell them who I am.

I don't want him to know.

Let's just tell them that I'm your friend.

And so I met them on numerous occasions and I was Danny's friend, and that's what I wanted.

Because that was not my place to tell them.

You know, I think that need come from their parents.

If at all and I was okay, be her friend forever because that's a big deal, you know?

And I definitely want to put that on them so that's what I asked her to keep it as for a long time.

I think it I think it did stay that way for a really long time.

So they knew me they knew I'm Whitney it's going to be a little bit of an age difference.

I think their age, you know, being younger

they were like, okay, that's fine.

Hmm.

Did you talk to your siblings and kind of get to know them without them knowing what was that?

Like, I mean, it was small talk.

So our grandparents have This Old House they've been in for maybe even longer than the length of my life and it's just this little homey little house and they have a fish pond in the back.

And I remember, you know, I was over there one day and my sister is there and we she said, we'll come on, let's go fish.

And I'm like okay so we go back there and We're Just Fishing and we're just having fun and we're talking and she's funny and parts of her face look like mine and I'm just enjoying the situation for what it was.

I knew then the concept of me just being a friend.

Sometime around was set because she never asked.

But I also remember standing there and I was like, I wonder if she'll be mad at me when she's older if she finds out because I didn't tell her in this moment you've talked to your, your dad now.

Yeah, you spent hours on the phone.

Does he tell your siblings about you did?

He finally did, and he pointed out to him.

I said, listen, I've never told them You know, on this first phone call.

I said, I've never told them.

I do not want to tell them.

That's not my place.

If you ever decide I said, even after this phone call, if you decided not to have a relationship or respect that all day long, if you do, that's going to be up to you, what you tell them, but I'm never telling them myself, but he eventually did.

And I remember he would, you know, message me throughout the day and it was just funny.

How's your day, whatever.

And I was, This is so cool.

And then I remember the day that he's not, he said I told them about you and I was like who What are you talking about?

And he said I told them about you and I was like really because you know I think he knew at that point that was a big deal to me like anything dealing with them was a big deal.

So I think I need then I was like wow like this is really a thing, my gorilla doing this, I said well I have to know

what did they say

so he said we know his daughter's reaction was that She was not the oldest anymore.

And his younger son thought.

That was hilarious.

I mean I they received it well from what he told me and I think I checked multiple times even a week or so after and I was like you sure that they're okay like that's a lot.

And you know, she remembered seeing me there so she knows who he was talking about but I still wonder like what question which I've seen her.

I've seen her since and she hasn't asked anything.

But I really wonder how they're coping with it.

I think I know it was a shock for me.

So I still wonder and eventually I plan to ask her.

Do you all live in the same town?

No, but we live in towns very close to each other, 20, 30 minutes from that town.

So we're okay blows and you know, even before we spoke, I had seen him, you know, in public at different, you know, maybe City events or what have you but never never would have went up to him to speak primarily because, you know, I respect his boundaries at that point, also that Terrified me.

Yeah, I was curious so I was curious because you'd said you'd seen your brother and sister at your grandma's house and so I'm thinking okay you all must live somewhat close and so did you ever see him?

So that answers that question.

Yes.

And so circling back to the grandmother who she's very fiery, and she speaks her mind and she just does whatever it is, she wants to do and I love that about her.

But it's um, I'm sure fault.

And she, she knew both of us and I think she loves both of us so much and she wanted the situation to be kind of what it's becoming now.

But she wanted it so badly.

And like I said, there were numerous times where I had to remind everyone else involved to leave them alone.

If he wants to he will he has the means more than most to find me if he desires.

So just leave them alone, you know, it's fine.

You told him, we've informed him of the situation.

So it's up to him.

What he does with that information, and you can't bring that on someone and force them into dealing with it, the way you want to.

So we left it at that, but I remember one day I had planned to go visit with her maybe two weeks in advance, so she knew I was going to be there and she just told me about this new truck that he had got.

She would mention him in passing when I called her and I'm like, okay, that's Grady, but he's doing good, you know, whatever.

So anyway, the day comes a time of plan to go to her house, and I pull up and this truck.

She just told me about the other days there.

And I was like, I'm going to have a heart attack and so she normally can see me from the kitchen window when I pull up and I'll just see her wave.

She runs out to me this time.

I said, what are you doing?

What are you working on?

Because the see your face like I say you have a planner she said, would you just come inside?

And at this point, I knew he was probably in there and he was and I am sure I kept it.

Calm on the outside, but I was freaking out because

that's a big deal.

So she, I guess he had called, he said ham, I swing by and she I think she had A great intentions and she thought of she told me before he just meets you, he's going to love you.

And I again that has to be his decision but she kind of formulated this one.

She kind of set this one up and so I remember we're just sitting in this living room and I'm talking to my grandparents like I do and I just see him looking at me and he just kept looking over and I could tell he was looking.

I mean, are we look similar?

And I I'm just trying to be cool about it.

And also, I feel terrible because this is to me a violation of his boundaries that I kind of put there.

So I feel guilty, but we really didn't speak honestly.

And I was like, I left there and I said, I don't know what happens now, I don't, I have no means to of contact for him.

I have no way to tell him, I'm sorry.

Like, I didn't plan that.

I'm so sorry.

That was just a random hat.

Happening.

Wow, you know but yeah we it was it was still a gap of in time before we actually spoke after that happened.

Big again.

I mean pointing out he was still dealing with his situations.

Did he ever talk about what it was like for him to sit in a room with you when you hadn't actually really met?

Yeah I think we did ask.

He said what was that?

I said,

she said I saw

is what that was and he said The I didn't know what to say to you and he said, I remember he said again, I felt so bad because he said it killed me.

And that whole length of time, he said it killed me because I knew that you you probably hated me that you probably were upset and I hated that.

You saw any less of yourself because I didn't talk to you and he said, there was no way for me to tell you.

It's not your fault.

I it's just not a good place for me to introduce myself and to your life at that point.

And he said, I knew that you were probably, you know, couldn't down on yourself or blaming yourself for it.

He said that killed me for that, whole length of time that we didn't speak because I didn't want you to blame yourself for it, but the fact that he and that length of time considered how it was affecting me to was,

it was a big deal and

I don't know if he realizes now, but wasn't that says a lot, I think.

Even that he wondered.

Yeah, you know.

So have you had the opportunity to meet and spend time together since you've spoken?

And I so again, there's like, no, there's no tart, there's no book.

Even the people that I've met gotten to talk to, you know, their Journey, may start here and go here, and it's a gradual build.

I meet someone and you just hit a brick wall and then that's what.

That's it.

There's no linear way that this should go.

And that's what I told him.

And I kind of learned that in building the relationship with his mom.

But I learned that.

That's that's how this thing works.

You just go forward, you know?

And so I told him I said it's he said why don't know where we go from here and I said, we just talk.

We just get to know each other.

You tell me what you're comfortable with?

I'll tell you if I'm uncomfortable and he said if I'm too Much.

You tell me, I said, okay, saying would you just figure it out and I remember he asked to take me to dinner not like too long after we had spoken and I was so nervous.

I'm like, what do I wear?

What do we do?

What do we eat?

Like,

I don't know the same thoughts.

Like, I've got out.

Tell you like, you know, weddings you have this kind of dress code and behavior.

What do you do in this social situation?

What do you wear to?

Your father for the first time?

I don't remember what I've work, but he picked me up and I got in the truck and I was like, what?

Hey, and I think that's, I think it's funny because that's our personality, but we went to dinner and I was really relieved that for meal, your feelings kind of extended to him to.

I don't know what to make of that.

I don't know if that extends Beyond biology, but there's just this This familiar somehow my soul knows you, but we talked at dinner and it was never weird.

And I remember, I was like, I'm sitting at dinner with my dad.

This is crazy.

But we went to dinner and then we talked about it and he talked to the cousin that I was close with, you know, that he reached out to and he said, I think she's great.

He said, I had no part in raising her, but I couldn't imagine dealing with what she has at her age and turning out as well as she house.

And I was like, wow. – wow.

So we we've since we met up and we've grilled and hung out and he took me to dinner because I recently found out him.

I got into nursing school.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

So he took me to dinner and actually went for the first time this year to his family's Thanksgiving.

So it was everyone and It was the best.

Like I told my husband, it was like a Hallmark Thanksgiving.

There's no drama.

Like, these are my people and it's

so crazy to say that

and I told him afterwards, I was like, that's where I should have been like I should have been with this family,

you know, from the beginning.

But I was like, I'm glad now, I mean, we're figuring out, it's a process.

I had to deal with my own.

Press issues, I think because I would think well, I haven't heard from him in a couple days.

I probably scared him off or his text message was a little shorter this time.

I think I probably scared him off or maybe he changed his mind and I know that he probably thought I was crazy because I would tell him just numerous times just randomly I said if you change your mind it's okay I'll be fine.

Like if I'm too much it's okay.

I'll be fine and he said I'm not I didn't change my mind.

Like I'm still here.

It's fine.

He said it, did I do something?

I'm like now I'm just making sure if you want to leave, you know, you can.

But I think that's just, I think that's the side effect of this situation.

That's probably a defense mechanism.

If I look at it, you know, I'll be fine if you're gone.

I get that.

Yeah, and the trauma that you experienced when you were

young.

I think that's part of it.

So you

kind of touched on saying that you felt like That's where you belong, that's where you should have always been?

I hear that or some variation of that from other npes that I've

talked to

have, you spent a lot of time thinking about the what ifs?

What if, what if he had raised you and you know, what do you think about that?

And how do you kind of control going too far down that

road?

It has that that I think is one thing that I thought was that's why I jumped at the chance to talk with you because so I think that you too can relate to that because I mean I could sit here all day and thank if I had stayed with him.

You know what would my childhood have been like, obviously I would have missed a huge traumatic event, you know, some envious of that but I would have missed out knowing that that dad, you know, and I loved him very much.

So in that sense I wouldn't take it back but it again.

Double edged sword.

What's cool is what I have?

On to what area would we have lived

in?

You know what, what things would I know?

Because I'm known as to when you're raised without a father for the bulk of your life.

I don't know anything about my car.

I don't really know how to fix things.

I get lost everywhere.

There's things that your dad

should teach you.

I don't know.

This

thing's I do Wonder like, what would I have kind of

person would have been, but I

don't know because I think even all these terrible crappy things that I've been through have

given me a very unique perspective

on the world.

And honestly, I think they, they helped make me a better parent for some reasons.

Yeah, I would take it back, you know, because I feel so bad for younger me because no one should go through that.

But at the same time, I mean, I have to be thankful for what I went through and what I learned.

So, yeah, I wonder and I hate that even for a moment.

He felt like that was taken from him because he wasn't good enough.

Mmm, because that's not the case.

One thing I haven't come across as having to deal with the guilt.

Like if I love this guy so much and embrace him, is that dishonoring, you know, the dad that I had that was also a unique thing that I couldn't find anything on.

Yeah, but I think you have this really know that was one person.

I was one point in my life and I was one situation, this is separate, you know, and that is what it is.

I think that this is kind of thrust me into it.

Re-examining my relationship with my mom because I don't really next question.

Is, what is your relationship like with your mom now?

So we were close.

I mean, I, you know, if I lost my dad at 8:00, so I have one parent that kind of forces a dynamic in itself that you're, I think you're close to your Having parent, you know, also could be defense mechanism, but I mean, we've always been pretty close and I respect that she told me about this situation, even if it was late, I respect that she has apologized for her handling of it and her decisions.

I think she understands that there will be people probably him included that hate her and never want to talk to her.

And she accepts that and I think Think that's, you know, how it kind of should be almost, you know?

So I respect, I guess what I'm saying is that she's owning up to it but I had to deal with the fact that there was a life stolen from me.

I mean, there's there's really no other way to put it because, you know, it was and that's just the fact of it and the life that I was given have all these bumps in it so I could be bitter.

And I think my mind went down that Avenue but it really doesn't get me anywhere, you know, it it does no good and I mean my that's still not Mom at the end of the day and I still my son's grandmother.

So I think I think with our relationship with the situation considered especially after I met him, it just kind of shifted.

So I'm still trying to make sense of how I feel in relation to You know, her and her part in the situation, I think there was resentment because it was like, like, I'm dealing with so much.

And it's like, two people made this decision, 25 years ago, and it's like here, you deal with

it?

And

that's frustrating.

You know, when

it's like this didn't have to be

this way, and it's not fair.

That I'm having to deal with this and learn how to build relationships with people, I should have known from the beginning and so I think resentment is a natural feeling.

It's a lot and it's hard to explain to anyone who kind of hasn't been there.

Some people I've talked to her like, oh, I couldn't do it.

I would just be mad at everyone and I think I've had to learn that, sometimes it just doesn't really get you anywhere.

What are you?

What do you hope for the future with your relationship, with your mom, with your relationship with your dad?

Add.

I hope that we can build a relationship, which I plan to actually go see him tonight.

We're gonna Grill, such a normal family thing.

And that's what I hope for is just normal family stuff and that we make the best of that situation.

And that's my hope is that we continue to do that and that we just like I told him, I said, it's just important to me, you know, I said you don't have to apologize anymore for the time missed just make the rest of it count.

Like that is so important.

That's it, just make it count.

I, that I can get.

I still trying to figure out my mom and my own relationship because I have to deal with the feelings that came about.

Whenever my real dad, came into play new things came up, new feelings, new knowledge, even.

So, I think I'm still having to try to rework how I really feel about that and how to deal with it.

We talk often.

But as far as me really dealing, With it, working on that.

But I hope that I can just really let go of any resentment because it's just not good for your soul, really.

Um, but yeah, I mean, I hope that he can be like a concrete solid part of my life, and that's if he is, and that's great, you know, for me as more people around to love my son, more families, never a bad thing, but it makes me feel good to know that.

That my son will never have to go through this.

Like, his dad, his dad is literally the best dad ever could have picked for my son.

So I'll tell him about this one day and maybe even this podcast will help, I'll just play it here.

Listen to this and he's been supported.

He was like, you know, if you want to go meet this guy, I'll go with you if you don't me and our son was stay home.

We'll hang out.

And he just listens to me talk about it.

And, you know, when I start to doubt myself and I'm thinking, well, he's probably gonna, he probably doesn't want to talk to me anymore or when I mind starts getting the best of it.

He's, he really pulls me back down.

He was like you're, you're doing it again, like, you need to chill out.

Yeah, you know, you're fine.

Has your dad, met your husband, and your

son.

He has.

So my son still doesn't know.

No, he's too but I think I'm it's kind of that's a weird thing to because I mean, I think this is permanent and I say that like, he's making effort and I'll forever be grateful.

But still in my head it's going to be a long time before I'm like.

Oh yeah.

Like this is it he's not going anywhere.

We're good.

Like I've not messed it up and it's good.

It's just that's my brain is just wired like this at that point, but I think I mean if It stays like if he really wants this, then my son will get to know him.

I was his grandfather and that's my hope, you know, that I feel is probably more on my part that this is a solid situation that will be there.

You know, in my son will say to, this is my grandfather.

This is where we come from.

So yeah, that's my hope.

But he's, I mean, he's met him.

It's just cool, it's cool.

But it's also like, I'm learning how to actually.

Have a dad because 8 is 8 is older, but 8 is still young to lose your dad.

Oh, I'm, I'm still learning.

Like how do you do this?

Like what is it like to have a dad?

I think you

kind of touched on this earlier.

But what advice would you give to a parent who might be holding a DNA surprise from their child?

I would say be wary that thing.

Things are out there now and they're very big and very popular and it's, you know, it may not be a good situation to come to your, to, your child and say, I've kept this secret from you, but I think it should be told to them, you know, from the person who made the decision rather than having to find out from different Avenues.

So, I think if there's anyone in that situation, I would say you just it's maybe just tell them because There's things that are coming to light now that are popular and going viral, and it, it will come out.

And I don't think it would be as good as a situation if someone found out on the back end, you know, maybe just own up to it and say, hey, this was probably not the best decision.

This is why this is how I handled it, and I'm sorry, and it was wrong.

And how can I help you?

Where do we go from here?

But I hope that somewhere, if there's a mom out there or something that you doing, this can help her make different choices.

Maybe, what advice would you give someone who just discovered that they're in

npe on buckle up therapy is a great thing.

Do not be scared of therapy.

Everyone needs help in.

That is.

Okay, look for groups and look for people because like Like you, I even I've been dealing with this for such a long time.

I really just recently found this group of people who are in similar situations.

I'm not having that resource for so long and that has been like wow, it's been awesome for me.

So finds people and I hope that you know with 23andMe and ancestry getting to be big and bringing these situations to light that people who come after you and me will.

Have that more readily to them, but I would just say talk to someone about it because you cannot handle this by herself.

It's far too big and you shouldn't have to.

Anyway, if you start this journey, I think it's important to to keep your mind really open and don't have expectations.

I think it's also the biggest important to know that this process is not linear.

There is no Right, or wrong.

There's no way to do this, you just do when it is sometimes in that the success of a relationship.

When you reach out to anyone, especially in the npe situation is not reflective of your worth as a person.

I think I pulled some of that before,

but that's the biggest thing.

And I know it doesn't feel that way always, but that is not reflect on your worth as a person at all.

That's so that's what I would tell someone.

But yeah, both cool

and well, Whitney, thank you so much for sharing your story.

I think you are so compassionate and wise and just, I think your outlook on the whole situation is really admirable and I think people will really benefit from hearing this perspective.

So thank you for your time.

Thank you for sharing your story with me.

I hope that it turns out in all the best ways for you.

I hope you feel peace with answers that you may have gotten.

So yeah and I think what you're doing is fantastic.

So, thank you.

Absolutely and same to you.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Thanks again to Whitney if you have a DNA surprise story, email DNA surprises at gmail.com and please be sure to rate review And subscribe to the podcast so that we can help others facing a DNA surprise.

Until next time, Thanks again to Whitney if you have a DNA surprise story, email DNA surprises at gmail.com and please be sure to rate review And subscribe to the podcast so that we can help others facing a DNA surprise.

Until next time,