Crystal’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and isolating, but you're not alone and there is hope connection and Community are powerful tools as we process.

And he'll DNA surprise Network and DNA surprises podcast are proud to host.

The first ever DNA, surprise Retreat May for through the 7th 2023 and Tucson Arizona.

Join Us for four days of healing, including expert-led sessions delicious meals and fun time together that will help us integrate our DNA surprises and Lead, happier more fulfilling lives.

If you've been looking for space to learn grow and heal, this is your sign.

Registration is open.

Learn more at DNA surprise retreat.com Even though I never knew this person, I just wanted to look into the eyes of the person that is my biological father.

That's that's what it comes down to, that's what I wanted.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event in other words My biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP, he's adoptees and donor conceived people, and their families.

This is DNA surprises in this episode Crystal shared her npe A journey which began in July of 2021.

One of the things Crystal discusses, is the complicated feeling that we tend to have around.

What if what if we'd known the truth?

What if we grew up knowing our fathers?

What would our lives have looked like the questions are endless.

Thank you Crystal, for sharing your story.

Speaker 2

I am Crystal and I'm 39, and I'm from Minnesota about three years ago, I did An ancestry DNA test, and I thought it would be exciting to figure out or find out where my Heritage is from.

And so, I bought one for myself, my husband, and my three kids, and I called my mom, because it was a little bit before Mother's Is day and I said, Mom would you want An ancestry kit for Mother's Day and she immediately was like, no why would you even do that?

Like, lash back at me and she's the calmest person ever.

So I was like, okay.

I won't get it for you.

Jeez, and I didn't think anything of it.

I got the kit.

We all did the kids, we all got our results back.

I looked at my hair.

Attach three years ago and we it was fun to see all that stuff and then I put all that away you know it's online but I didn't really look at it again and I never looked at my matches.

I never really thought to look at the other stuff.

I never questioned where I who I came from I guess and so fast forward to this past July And I saw my sister that I grew up with over summer break, we always go up to her.

She lives in Iowa, we always go hang out with her for the summer and I was like, you should do this DNA kit.

It'll be fun to see how we're different.

Well, she ordered it when it was on sale and her results came back, July 29th, and I was getting my kids out the door, we're all getting out the door in the morning, and She texted me a picture of her results and they were actually pretty similar to my results.

So there was no red flags there and I was like, oh, how fun?

Oh, you're a little bit more of this or a little bit more of that than me.

And then I pulled up my ancestry app on my phone because I hadn't looked at it in a really long time.

And I I immediately it showed that I had a new match and then it had either that she was my aunt or that she was my half sister.

So I immediately immediately tried to like override was like, no, she's my sister.

Why won't it give me that option.

She's my full sister.

Well, I couldn't figure it out and I was in a rush.

So I texted my sister.

I was like, it says I have sister.

I don't know why it says that, but we'll have to figure that out how to override that and she said, that's funny.

It says that on my end, too.

So I was like, well, let's just figure out what to do later because I gotta run.

She's like, yep.

I got to go to work and I ran out the door, but the whole time I had like the wheels turning in my head.

Like this, there's something off about this and I never heard a ever questioned that I didn't have the by lot like the biological parent, either one of my biological parents were different and never once questioned that.

So then I'm thinking maybe my sister she's five years older than me, maybe her dad is different.

Dad like all these silly things are going through my head and I was like, well, that would be a tough thing to tell her.

So I'm just like walking my kids to school and then I'm like, this is silly.

It's just an error, there's something wrong with the test.

So I come back home and I'm reading all the fa q's and it basically says there is no error and I'm about to call ancestry.

And then I'm like, you know what, the person that would know would be our mom, and I'm very close with my mom.

We talk all the time, so she lives in Minnesota still.

So I picked up the phone and I called her and I said, Ed.

I remember exactly what I said.

I said Mom, I'm not going to be mad, but I have to know.

Is there any way that I have a different dad and she goes.

No, no way.

That's impossible.

And I was like, okay, alright well I'm going to call ancestry because it shows that me and Amber.

My sister are half sisters.

So there's something wrong with the test.

East.

And she goes, yeah, I don't know, I don't know what it is, but there's no way it was like, okay, so I talked to my sister again.

And she said she actually matches up with people with our Maiden last name.

So, our dad's last name, and then I searched my matches, which I've never done before, because I never thought to even do that.

And I didn't match up with any one of my dad's last name.

So, So then I was really concerned like I knew something was wrong.

So within minutes, my mom called me back and she said your stepdad.

So her husband now Joel, Joel reminded me that I did always question your DNA and your dad's name is Jeff.

He lives in Minnesota.

We I've known him since I was five years old.

We dated in high school and college and then we broke up and I married your dad and I had we had Amber and then I got back together with Jeff for a weekend and that's the last time I saw him.

Wow, and then she kept talking and talking and talking and I really heard nothing, I heard nothing after that.

I felt like my head was in.

A cloud and she just kept rambling on and on about him.

So basically, my mom had an affair.

When my sister was 4 years old, with her high school sweetheart, and then I was conceived in this last time that she ever saw my biological father.

Okay, so they haven't in.

I'm 39.

So they haven't seen each other for 40 years.

Did Dad that you grew up with suspect anything?

No not that I know of never in the reason, I don't think he ever suspected it is because he took my mom to the cleaners during their divorce.

And he paid a lot of Child Support.

So I don't think he ever would have paid child support.

If he had any inkling that I wasn't his biological child and me, and my sister both agree on that.

That He had no clue what was your initial reaction then you said you just kind of had tunnel vision.

You didn't really hear anything.

She said after that kind of cleared.

What?

How are you?

Did you feel?

I it didn't clear for a long time.

I was actually driving in the car when I happen when she told me and I somehow made it home.

I didn't know, I just was in complete shock.

I think it's kind of equivalent.

To when somebody tells you somebody close to you has died.

You just You don't know what to do, what to think I texted my husband at work and he had no clue that.

I was even like I hadn't talked to him that morning about this ancestry stuff at all.

So this came out of left field for him.

I texted him and I said, I just found out my dad isn't my dad.

That's all I texted.

And that's the only person I just was in, like a cloud.

I didn't know.

I was like where do I even do from now?

And I didn't even remember what my mom said his last name was and then just all those thoughts and all those things because I don't look like my mom at all.

And then I'm like, is this who I look like?

Is this why?

I've never looked like anyone in my family ever and all these things started making sense in my head and my husband texted back.

He said I will be right home or I will be home in a minute.

So, he came home pretty quick, and I hadn't even eaten that morning because I was rushing around and I he's like, let's go get some food and I was like, I can't eat, I couldn't eat, I didn't actually eat for three days.

I couldn't, I tried to take a bite of something and I almost vomited and I My brain just wasn't with it at all.

I would I have three kids.

I would try to cook something and then I forget about it.

Like I just was not myself at all and I immediately then wanted to start internet searching Jeff my biological father.

So I actually texted my mom, I said what is, what is his name again?

And she wrote me right back and told me his name.

So then I was searching him.

I found his address and phone number and I searched for him on Facebook, he wasn't on Facebook.

I then saw he had two daughters and a wife and I was searching them on Facebook.

I found all three of them on Facebook.

I was one head of public account, so I'm like, looking through all her pictures and I was just turned into into stalker mode and these people didn't even know I existed, right?

And so I was Saving all these pictures I found online.

I was looking for resemblance, has I found a picture of Jeff in one of the posts and I looked just like him like, just like him like his spitting image even more so than his other two daughters, I would say.

Wow, it was Unreal.

Did you reach out to them?

I'm assuming they were not on Ancestry.

So they were not allergic to any matches.

So how did you make contact with them?

I I called my mom back that day and I was in tears.

I couldn't talk about it without crying for a couple days at least, and I was in tears and I said, I want you to tell me about him.

She told me he played baseball in college, which I was a softball player.

I was the only athletic person in my whole family and I had a softball scholarship in college and Volleyball scholarship.

In college, like it all made sense.

I came from like a family of no athletic talent to and I was like the All-Star.

Yeah, and many sports.

So, yeah, it just all made sense.

So she was telling me about him and I could actually absorb the information then and I told her.

So this was like four hours after I found out, I took that same day.

I told her he needs to know about me, you have to tell him and He said, okay, I'll call him.

So, she actually called him the next day I found out on a Thursday and she called him on Friday morning, and she called me later, Friday, during the day, and she said, I talked to Jeff.

I got his number.

They grew up in a teeny town of like, 200 people, and they all know everybody.

And part of the reason I think I've never, I've Into that town.

One time when my great-grandmother died and we stopped by the funeral, he didn't even stay.

It was like a weird quick.

Like we went and saw her being buried and then we left, and my mom has never taken me to that town.

And part of the reason, is, I think like all of Jeff's family live there, and it makes me wonder if she did not want to run into him.

But she hasn't really denied or acknowledged she just she called him Friday.

She called me back later and said after she had talked to Jeff and said I he just did not age.

Well he has dementia and he is hard of hearing and so then I was just Feeling really upset.

Like now, I don't know how far into dementia.

He is he's 65 years old, which I don't think is that old.

So I was excited to at the prospect of at least getting information from him and then when she said that made me just a little upset that I hadn't figured this out earlier.

She said I'm going to try calling him back later in the week.

That's how she left it.

I was like, okay.

So what did he say?

When you said he had a daughter.

She said he was just silent and I don't know if he heard me.

I don't know if he processed it, but then I said, I'll call you back later in the week.

And he said, okay, you pick the time and they picked Wednesday and fast-forward to Wednesday.

He didn't pick up her calls or texts.

So, he just went silent while also that Wednesday.

Iris Saved a phone call from an attorney that was representing their family.

And the attorney said that they wanted to do a paternity test because they were very shocked.

Yes information.

Yeah.

So I was like, okay whatever I need to do so we waited a month for that paternity.

Test to come.

I checked in with the attorney twice and he said yeah I forgot to do it and they're going to they're going to pay for Everything.

And then a week later I call those like I still have not received anything and he said, well they're not going to pay for it anymore.

I think they thought maybe we were not real.

Like we were someone trying to take advantage of someone with dementia, okay?

And that's why they hired the lawyer to protect Jeff and the family, yeah, which is kind of understandable, but yeah, it was very frustrating but at the same Same time, it made me realize that there are real human beings that this came out of nowhere for them.

I mean, he hasn't seen my mom in 40 years and he didn't according to him.

He didn't remember ever meeting up with her when she was married.

Okay.

And he wasn't married at the time.

Well, okay.

He was not married, he didn't even know his wife at the time, I finally get the paternity test a month.

Later and I take it right away and run it to the post office because I think the sooner they get these results than the sooner.

I'll be able to get information from him.

I didn't know what I wanted from him at the the time I just wanted them or him to be there to answer my questions.

If I had any order to give me some health history now that I knew he had dementia, I really was wanting more information about his health, right?

So, And it was considered early onset dementia.

So, about a week after that, the paternity results came back and it showed that he was my biological father and I told them or I told myself and my head, I said I'm going to give them a week to absorb this information because now they're probably going through all the stuff that I went through when I first had the bomb drops on me and I said that to myself, I will call them in a week or in text or do something in a week, but I haven't heard from them a day before the week.

Mark Jeff's wife.

Texted me and said Jeff would like to talk with you on the phone.

Can we schedule a time to do that?

So I knew if I didn't do it soon I was going to have a heart attack like this stress, leading up to those moments.

So I was like tomorrow and it's nothing.

I felt like I had to prepare for, I'm like, I don't know what they're going to want to know.

Maybe they're not going to want to know anything about me.

Maybe they're gonna say like this is our first and last time.

I were talking.

I knew that would be really upsetting to me that happened.

The next day we talked on the phone, they called me together like I'm speaker because I think his wife wanted to be there just to make sure like I wasn't a crazy person I guess.

Yeah, so he has a really hard time hearing no.

And then I found out the dementia diagnosis is really new and he's actually In really well with all of that.

So that was like really nice for me to hear we talked for over two hours and I knew just from the first like hour of talking at, I knew I wanted to meet them.

So I decided during that phone call.

If I don't say it in this phone call, I don't know if I'll ever get another chance and what do I have to lose at this point?

Point at the end of the phone call.

I just said, well, he he actually said, well, you should have my phone number because I just had his wife's phone number and I was like, okay, like that's him.

Reaching out saying like here's my phone number.

So I took out his phone number and then I knew like we're wrapping up.

So I said I would like to meet you and it was dead silent, that silent.

And I was like, oh, Here we go.

Here's the rejection, I'm waiting for and after about a good solid, five seconds of Silence.

He said well that would be a start one it.

So I was like, okay well do you want just me to come sometime and he was like, the more the merrier because I just told them, you know, we talked for over 2 hours, they knew I had three kids, my husband And, and so I was like, okay, why don't we plan for time for all of us to come up there?

And there are Minnesota, I'm in Arizona and his wife, then she's a teacher.

They were both teachers, she threw out a weekend where she has a Thursday and Friday off, which was in three weeks.

Oh my God.

So I was like, okay, well, let me check my calendar and get back to you on that.

And I knew my head, I was going to make it happen.

We got off the phone.

I felt really good about it except for the very last part of the phone call when they live in this Tiny Town that I mentioned before, and his wife said, I just don't know how we're going to have all of you here and without other people knowing and I said, well, you know, I've talked to a lot of my friends.

Family about this now and everybody has been nothing but supportive and they want what's best for my family.

And she said well, this is a really small town and I don't know how we're going to how we're going to hide.

The fact that Jeff's illegitimate child is here visiting.

Hmm.

And how did you feel when she said that?

I mean, unfortunately it's not the first time I've I've been called that and the other one is a story with the day at my dad.

I grew up with when my parents got divorced, he converted to Catholicism and him and my stepmom were getting remarried or getting married in the Catholic church and they have to, I didn't grow up Catholics, I don't know the rules, I don't know if every Catholic Church does it different but they basically sent me and my sister a letter.

Saying that we were bastard children and we are illegitimate in the eyes of the church.

And as a kid, I got this letter addressed to me from the Catholic church.

So, when I, when I was first called the illegitimate, even though, I guess, technically, I was, but I didn't think I could, you know, like time you thought that was your friend to go five?

Yeah, exactly.

It made me cry.

I mean, I was a kid, a teenager getting this letter.

And I was like, oh my gosh, what is this mean?

And so her saying it again, just brought back all those memories of the first time.

I was called an illegitimate child and then I just had I find I got over that and now I was like again, like I don't know, there's always going to be those people that say these things is a very small town to small town mentality.

They I don't think that necessarily been out to see the world and I don't know.

I'll add it was upsetting, of course.

And that was really the only thing that didn't go well in that phone call.

But at the same time, she's a lot older than me.

It's a different time.

So, different times, a lot of shame, I think what that generation.

So they tend to want to hide things which is why we were hidden to begin with.

Yeah, that night I bought playing Five plane tickets.

I didn't tell them right away because I didn't want to sound.

And overeager, right?

So we were planning on going.

October 21st I was a nervous wreck, like, so nervous.

Like all the butterflies in my stomach came back.

I was not able to eat again.

It just took an emotional toll.

Well, then fast-forward October 20th, I tested for positive for covid, Ono and 10:30 p.m. at night because I went out and got another rap.

Test because I'm like, no, there's no way got another rapid test and it was positive as well.

So, I was like, well, I guess it's not meant to happen yet, so I have still not met them because I and I felt bad.

Like, what if they think I'm making it up, what if they, you know, 10:30 at night the night before we're supposed to leave, right?

I cancel.

I mean, I'd boarded.

My dog's is already.

I packed my bait.

Like everything was in our car.

My kids were all asleep, we were To wake him up at 6 a.m. and hop in the car to go to the airport.

Have you rescheduled?

Yes actually just two days ago we rescheduled we're going to see in December the last week of December.

Oh well congratulations I hope it goes well how is everyone else in your life affected by this your kids do.

Yeah, my kid I didn't tell them right away but I told them as soon as I started figuring everything out, I actually my oldest daughters 14, she's in high school.

I told her first and she just said, well, this makes your your side of the family even more confusing.

I was like, yeah, my side is confusing.

I mean, I have siblings on.

I've half some both sides.

I have a step.

Have well, I thought I had a full that guess they don't have a full.

I don't have any folds anymore, right?

I mean I just call them all my siblings, that's all she said and my 11 year old son.

He's the question, man.

He was like so Grandma.

I do you like he figured it out right away and I was like, well, she didn't necessarily know.

She says And he said so but wasn't she married and like he put it all together and I was like, yep, she was.

And he said sorry we never going to see her again.

It's like no we're gonna see her again.

We're working through it because that's what family does.

It's not going to be easy, but we're going to talk about it.

We're gonna and we have we've talked a lot about it.

And my youngest is eight and she was like Okay.

Yeah, but my son is definitely the one.

We actually zoomed with the family.

When we were supposed to be there on Thursday, the 21st of October that following Sunday we scheduled to zoom and so I Met Em to new half-sisters on that side and I met them him, Jeff and his wife and then one of the sisters has two kids, okay?

So I met those kids as well and those the news half-sisters, they're younger than me.

And then the next one is 33 and then a 31 year old and what's their reaction are they excited?

They were shocked.

The older one.

She was very hesitant to contact me.

They have both reached out to me since the zoom call.

The older one was the last one to reach out to me and it seemed kind of force by her family to tell you the truth.

Like she was not really into this, even on the zoom call, like she kind of stood in the back shouldn't really talk and then she would leave I asked her a question and she wouldn't leave and I'm like you know what, everyone has to go at their own pace.

I can't just be like hello, I'm your sister.

Hi now you have to talk to me but she did just last week she reached out to me.

She texted me and said it was nice to Your family over Zoom.

She said, I'm sorry.

It took me so long to text you.

I've been forgetting.

And I mean, I don't think she's really been forgetting right.

But I mean, I'll Grant her grace.

The new reason has to begin with.

So then I just sent her a real real text.

And said, I didn't even expect you.

All right, I didn't expect any of this.

Your family's been so gracious.

And so sweet to talk, To me at all.

And I'm just really grateful for that.

I know this is a really difficult situation and any feelings you feel are normal.

So if you feel like you don't want to talk to me, I totally understand that I just want you to know.

I'm really happy that you did reach out to me.

And I mean a lot of a lot of it was just small talk and like there's a bigger Here that I want to address so that's why I sent her that text back.

I'm like this is just weird.

I know.

This is weird.

Absolutely no book on how to deal with this.

So the younger one, she texted me, two days after the zoom call and she said, I got your number from my mom.

I hope that's okay on this day.

It was really nice meeting, you and your family over zoom.

And I think we have a couple things in common and so I texted her Right back and we text all the time and she's a athletic trainer and she's really into like all the sports, my kids are in and she wanted to know all about what I played and what's so funny is we are so similar like she played softball in college.

Her sister didn't to and I had a softball scholarship in college like it's crazy how similar we are we all are.

It's that nurture versus nature thing, I adore.

Was up so much for us because it's like, oh, that makes sense.

That makes sense.

But you don't know why you going and and then I started feeling like, okay?

Maybe it's like I'm just adopted one side and so then I had other friends that are adopted and I talked to them about it.

But the difference is, they know they're adopted, right?

Not that, they don't have similar feelings.

I'm not discrediting that at all.

I'm just saying, like, I didn't know, you know, we didn't know, right.

Right, I thought my dad is my dad and then that burden is also placed on me where now.

I have to tell my dad that raised me and I haven't done that guy.

You haven't okay?

Because that was going to be my next question is, does your dad know and how is that relationship going?

So we had a rocky relationship to start off with.

We he was an alcoholic when I was little and then when he sobered up when I was like around 9:00, we became really close like we did everything together.

Other him and my mom separated.

When I was 10 and I lived with my dad and my sister lived with my mom and it's almost like we, I don't I didn't take sides, but I just like wanted to live with my dad.

Like we just did fun stuff.

Once he got the divorce is final, he was with my stepmom and then they got married and my stepmom was Wanted nothing to do with me or my sister.

So she kind of like told my dad, it's either me or your kids and he chose her and they had and she had a son.

So my step-brother and then they had three more kids together.

But I hardly know those siblings because they just, I stopped living with them that she was very mean to me.

She just made up all these crazy rules and it was just a bad situation all around.

So, Now, he just, he chose her and he took off with her, that was his new family.

He went years and years without talking to me and my sister.

He would show up every now.

And again, for my wedding.

For example, I got married, I texted him, I'm getting married.

He walked me down.

The aisle went to the reception ate and left.

Like, wow, I was never close to him again, then just this last Last March, my birthday is in March, so March of 2019.

Actually he called me two days before my birthday and he said today's early said, happy birthday.

And I was like, well it's actually not today.

It's in two days and he said I just can't remember all these dates and I was like well yeah you know you were there for my birth.

I don't know.

I didn't know all this at that point.

So anyways since then like we started talking a lot more and what's weird is I talk to him.

I have talked to him on the phone since I found this out but I wasn't ready to tell him because I just didn't I was still figuring everything out and when I knew I was ready to tell him when I thought I was going to be near him in October in Minnesota.

I texted him and I said can I meet with?

With you October 25th my last day there and he said, oh I'm not going to be, they're going to be in Florida.

He is he lives in Florida part of the Year too.

So I was like, okay, well then I have something I want to talk to you about hitting, call me, and he said, serious, huh?

In a text message and I said, yes.

And that was a month ago and he's not texted or called me since then.

So you're ready to tell him at this point, but he just had a good call.

Yeah, which is pretty par for the course in our relationship.

Like he comes and he goes and right now, this is a going time for him.

I just I didn't want him to hear from someone else, right?

Right.

That's what it comes down to and really I feel like it should be my mom but my mom's not good.

That's what I was going to 30 is it?

It almost seems more like your mom's place.

So how are things going with her?

They are A little rocky.

We didn't talk for the first month after it happened.

And we usually talk all the time.

I just had nothing nice to say to her and she never called me one.

Time to check on me to see how I was doing to see how I was feeling to see if I needed anything never once.

And so then I it made me even matter and and then I was like day by day as each day was going on.

Like she still hasn't called me.

She hasn't even texted Texted me to say, hey, are you doing okay or can I do anything for you or nothing?

So, I had nothing nice to say to her.

What I needed to hear from her?

Was I am sorry because I wasn't mad that she had the affair and did whatever like that was in the past.

I'm mad because she never told me she chose to take.

Try to take this to our grave and if I hadn't figured it out, I would have never.

Are known and Jack would have never known.

He had another child.

I can't imagine not knowing that I have a child out there.

Right after month, I actually went to Florida to see a friend and I came back and she had asked me how Florida was because there were some pictures online that she had seen.

So she called me and she said, how, how was Florida as like it was good and I said Said.

And I said, how are things going with your counselor?

Because I knew she had that she was going to a counselor.

And she said, good, I recommend getting one and I said, well, I need to talk to you.

That's who I need to talk to.

And she said, oh, what do you need to talk about?

And I said, I need to talk about how you Tell me that.

I had a different dad and you have never once apologized for it and did you know, did you ever think I looked like him?

Because I look just like him, there's so many things in my head and she just said, I didn't have a picture of him next to you.

Like I never ever compared the two of you.

She said, when I first questioned it, it was when you were Were getting older and you were really athletic.

And I was like, oh yeah, like no one in my family, my dad didn't play sports, my sister didn't play sports.

And she, she said, so that made me question it.

And I was like, okay, so when my dad left, you never thought to say anything.

And she just said, I didn't know, I didn't know, and I'm really sorry for everything it has Has to.

I didn't mean to put this on you like this and those words are what I needed to hear.

I needed to hear her knowledge that I was passed.

This burden, this weight and I felt immediately like, we can work through this.

That's great because I needed her to acknowledge that and she wants them.

I had I called her one time about like I had called her a couple times mostly to see because she had to do the paternity test too.

They needed the mom dad and child to be the most accurate results.

So to see if she had gotten it yet, see if she'd mailed it and she would be like, oh it's like 85 degrees here and I'm like, I don't care if there's a hurricane outside right now.

I'm not talking about the weather, right?

I don't understand how she could talk about anything else like it.

Never dawned on her that she should make sure I was doing.

You know, that's what got me with my mom, but we are doing better.

She actually snowbirds here in Arizona so she's coming next week.

Oh, can I have not seen her?

And since then, I'm nervous to see her but I'm just, I don't know.

It's definitely going to be a little different.

Just feeling a little anxiety with she Just we'll be talking about things that aren't important and my whole world has changed and hers days has stayed the same.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's hard.

And she won't she won't talk about it.

She won't like she told my Aunt, what happened and I was really close to my aunt.

My aunt never called me to see how I was doing now that I learned the information and she's a small-town hair stylist.

So my mom said, basically, everybody knows And I had a big problem with that too, because if you're going to go blabbing to everybody this soap, opera of my life, all of a sudden at least call me to say, hey, how are you doing?

She knew Jeff to because this is a small town, they grew up, they all grew up there.

All their families knew everybody, and it's hard to talk about anything with those people.

Now, like my mom, like I don't really have a lot to say to you anymore and I'm hoping In that changes.

He wants I mean it's only been I've only known since July like you, but it's still pretty raw and I feel like very betrayed.

I feel very betrayed by her.

Yes.

Yeah because you think like you I had a really close relationship with my mom.

And so you think like even if there was just a doubt or anything that we had such an open relationship?

Why didn't you tell me, you know?

Or when my dad left, You could have just said, you know, like now I'm getting to know this new family and they seem so great.

And I'm like, you know what, you really took this away from me.

Like that I could have been, I could have known them for many more years.

And it's hard because now, I'm in Arizona, and I won't ever get those memories and and he coached all of his daughters Sports and I was always Oh, jealous of the kids that had parents that coached their Sports and and which I do for my kids sports now, because I always wanted my own I always ask my dad.

I was like, can you coach my softball team?

Can you do that?

And he was like, no.

Now, yeah.

And yet, this Dad my biological dad coached all of their Sports.

He was a PE teacher.

Oh my God, higher career.

And what's Funny is I'm a sub because I go into my kids classrooms and I like all the PE teachers in the high schools.

Know me.

Because it's my favorite thing to sub.

Wow!

So yeah, there there is that anger.

I've definitely I'm right there with you and that Journey like all of those things that you're like, okay, well maybe this is why I'm the way I am.

But also, how different would I have been if I'd grown up with that?

Yeah, that's really hard.

Just That thing that I'm never going to be able, I'll never know.

Yeah, I'll never know.

I'll never get those opportunities to really get to know those people.

I'm gonna try my best but yeah, I mean they're older that's that's kind of my my next question for you.

Is what do you hope to come from?

Like each of your relationships with your mom, with your newfound, dad with the dad that you grew up with?

What do you hope there?

I really want to get to know this family.

We and make memories with them in.

I think that will help.

Kind of I don't want to say erase the part where you know I'm saying this weird because I never so they'll send me all these pictures of like Jeff will send me.

I can tell they're really trying hard for me to know who his parents were and different relatives.

They've been going through things showing me pictures of the Impairments with both of their girls sitting on their laps and they sent me so much stuff that looking at all of it.

It just made me feel so sad and I thought I'd feel so grateful that I'm at a place where I get all these pictures because that's what I wanted, I wanted to see what the what this side of my family.

Looks like to know what they were like, but then hit me, like, oh my gosh.

I just feel like I feel so sad and upset that I won't ever get that and maybe I don't want this.

Maybe this is too much for me right now and then I said to myself, like I don't want to tell them to stop sending stuff because they may just stop and never never send me anything else and I need all this.

Like, I need to save it all because I don't know if I'll ever get this stuff anywhere else and then I was thinking about it.

And more.

And I thought I told my husband, I just need to make memories with these people so that it doesn't hurt.

So much to know, I missed out on those.

That's a really good perspective.

And and it's really hard to do when you're in a different state and it's hard because Jeff is hard of hearings talking to on the phone.

Isn't the easiest over Zoom.

He said he didn't hear a thing.

I also compare it to when you're dating someone and you don't know, like how there They're feeling about it and like, you guys could both be feeling about it, a different feeling differently about the situation.

And so, I never know, like, maybe I am still going to get the rejection.

And that's part of the reason.

I don't want them to be, like, stop sending me stuff because maybe in a month or like n were done talking to you, right?

We don't have time for this, or it's too stressful on us.

I just don't know.

And I've had rejection before with the dad, that raised me.

So I think I have this Your of it.

And so I don't want to ever say anything that will upset this new family because I feel like, oh, then they're just gonna shut the door on me.

Yeah, yeah, we are going in December and I really just want to get to know them.

I never know when the last time I'll get to spend time with them will be, and it's not like, I'm looking for a father.

I never had, I don't feel it.

Like that's not how it feels to me.

I just like I said at the beginning, Beginning, my first thing was, I want to look him in the eyes and see who I share my DNA with.

I really like, that's my number one, I want to see him in person and look him in the eyes and to some people that might sound so funny, like if they're not going through this situation, but I think two people like us that makes perfect sense.

It really does.

And I'm so glad that, you know, even though you've had this experience, That you're lucky that you get to meet him, you know.

I know a lot of people in our situation they don't get to meet their their father, I know.

So yeah.

I'm really glad for you that you're going to be able to and I hope you tell me how it goes and December.

Yeah, and Hutch.

Well what would you recommend to a parent that might be holding a DNA surprise from their child?

What would you say to them?

I would say if they, is there a right to know No.

And I understand it's hard when they're young and I think a lot of parents keep that secret because it's their own shame, and they have to look outside of themselves and tell tell the child because it affects them.

It affects their children, their future children.

That's why I needed my kids to know because this is their DNA to this, is their health information to this is their half of the family as well.

So, yeah, that's what I would tell them.

And what advice would you give someone?

Who like you just a few months, you're just a few months into this.

So what advice would you give someone who just found out that they are in NP E?

I would say, it is an emotional roller coaster.

As soon as I feel like I have everything handled something new hits me, and And even like, when I got covid the day before, I was supposed to go meet this family and not only was that, I mean I wasn't super sick but not only was I feeling sick.

I was just more upset that I didn't get to go.

Like, yeah, I would say, take your time with it.

I didn't work after I found out, I couldn't function in society, really?

Like you're there but you're not really there?

Yes, exactly.

It really, Lee is a traumatic experience.

So take time for yourself, take time to process the information and everybody processes differently.

I talked to a lot of friends about it and I run I ran I listen to music that spoke to me.

I did find a counselor took me a while, but I found one.

And I think the biggest thing for me was just too.

Talking to people.

Some people are so private though.

And I get that too.

I just needed to talk about it and I had so many friends that were so super supportive.

I mean, some people said really dumb stuff.

So watch who you talk to about it?

I mean like what, what did people say that was dumb?

One person said to me, this is like a couple days after I told her and I was like crying it was right when I found out so like Two days later.

She was like, I want even care if I found out my dad wasn't my real dad.

And I was like oh that's nice.

It's yeah.

Yeah it's just stuff like that stuff like that.

I think that's good advice to just be careful about where you find support you know find support and good places.

But then even the people that are so super supportive and I love dearly.

The thing is people that haven't I'm through it won't necessarily understand either through.

So you have to grant them a little Grace as well because even my very best friend.

Like the first, my first call with Jeff, she was like texting me non-stop right after.

And I mentally, I just couldn't talk about it for a while.

I was mentally drained.

So I didn't call her back that day and I was busy with my kids, like I wanted to Spend time with my kids.

It's not, you know, like it is been mentally draining these past three months.

And then the next day, she's calling me.

Calling me calling me.

And I just felt like some people.

They just think it's like a soap opera because that's how it plays out.

Like a soap opera and they want to know the juice, even my best friend, some of my best friends and I'm like, got nice.

Like, this is my real life, like tone it down.

I will let you know.

I will call you when I can.

Call you.

I can't talk right now or I need a break.

I need a mental break.

So, take mental breaks.

You don't have to answer to anyone.

You don't have to call people back, right?

When they call you, and fill them in on the story as it, unravels.

That's my biggest thing.

I've needed to take breaks from people.

My sister, I grew up with she, I needed to take a little break from her.

She's been, she was super supportive, but then it kind of turned like she had a really hard time with that too and it turned to a place where she kind of made it all about her and it does involve her and I completely acknowledge that but I felt like I was supporting her over her supporting me and I was the one needing the support, right?

And so I needed to take a little break from her, you'll just you'll you'll find the people that you need to take breaks.

From and it's okay to do that.

And then you have the people that will say, oh well, I heard that this person's sister was their mom or like like all these weird stories and like, hey, that doesn't pertain to me, right?

Trying to relate.

Yeah, they're trying to relate but at the same time actually my father-in-law because I was like, I need to tell them at some point because now we're they live here by us and we're going to see them.

Or traveled to Minnesota.

So we tell them when we leave and stuff, so I was like, I need to tell them what's going on.

That's the first thing.

My father-in-law said, Jack Nicholson's, mom, was this sister?

And I was like, okay, that's cool doesn't really pertain to me but okay, yeah, I didn't.

I didn't need to hear that but whatever, that's all he said.

Well, I think that's great advice to just go at your own pace.

Take breaks when you need to find.

Port, those are all really good tips.

So thank you for sharing those.

Yes, of course.

And thank you for sharing your story.

I really think that this will help so many people.

So thank you for being so generous to open up about something that's relatively new for you and I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Oh, thank you.

You as well.

thanks again to Crystal for sharing her story and if you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com until next time,