Meaghan’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

It felt surreal and I remember just really struggling to make sense of it kind of going like, OK, so how is this person family but also a stranger, which is just obvious, right?

Like yes, this is what everybody faces.

But those thoughts coming up like how is this person family but also a stranger?

And she's my sister.

So like I'm supposed to just love her, right?

Or are we supposed to figure out for friends?

Or are we just exchanging information or like what are we doing?

But I actually found her just really easy to talk to and super intelligent and I just was interested in her and her life and I think the feeling was mutual.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis Soursalt.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an N P/E, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

At the end of every DNA Surprises episode, I ask my guests 2 questions, I ask for advice for people in our community, and I ask for advice for parents keeping Adna surprise from their child.

Time and time again, guests implore parents to tell the truth.

But when is the right time to tell?

And are the ramifications different than when Adna surprise is uncovered with Adna test?

In this week's episode, Megan shares how one day, her parents took her for a long walk and revealed the truth her dad is not biologically related to her.

The Fallout

She then shares the fallout from that, connecting with new family members while balancing the fact that her biological father is not a safe person.

Megan also shares how her DNA surprise LED her to create a book for people who have had similar experiences.

I'll be sure to share that when it's available.

Thank you for sharing your story, Megan.

Speaker 1

My name is Megan, I'm 44 and I'm from Vancouver Island in Canada.

I grew up here with my mom and my, I guess who I learned to be my adoptive dad and a younger sister.

And I did have suspicions growing up, but they were always sort of put to rest if I asked.

And then I guess Fast forward a whole bunch, I was married and I had two kids and we had always talked about adopting and so being on that side of the triad.

And so we were in the process of like learning.

And here in Canada, or at least in BC, there's like a whole educational component.

So we were sort of going through those pieces and the whole time sharing what we were learning with my mom and dad.

And so there was a particular night where we were talking about openness and we had shared why we felt that was really important and what we had learned about that.

And my mom and dad were on board with birth moms being involved, but not birth dads.

And it was this really interesting exchange because we were going like, OK, so birth moms are cool, you're cool with that.

But birth dads like, what's the hang up?

And they said, what if, what if he's dangerous?

It was like, OK, but what if he's not right?

Like we don't know who this person is.

We don't know anything about them, you know, etcetera, etcetera.

But they were just like, I don't want to say unreasonably upset, but like, there was no logical context for their being as opposed as they were.

And so after they left, there was this conversation between my husband and I where we were going, like, just don't understand, is this a generation gap or is it like, what's happening?

And so then a couple weeks went by and I was closing in on my 33rd birthday.

And so I sort of mentioned it in conversation to mom and dad.

And there was like a bit of attention that happened where, you know, there was a look exchanged between them and they said, we, we have to talk to you and can we go for a walk?

And I thought, OK, let's go for a walk.

And I told the kids, like, go put your shoes on and get the dog ready.

And they went, no, no, no, just you.

And my heart kind of like stopped.

I thought, oh, shoot, like, what have I done?

What's happened?

Who's sick?

Like all the thoughts racing of like, what is happening?

And so off we go on our walk.

And we got like almost to the to this sort of nature walk by our house where we were headed to.

And I said, so what's up?

And they said, no, no, no, we have to be further.

We're not ready yet.

So they took me like a fair distance from the house into nature, got us, you know, sitting down.

And then my mom spilled the beans, but very, very slowly.

She sort of stumbled around with her birds a lot.

And all she could get out at first was your father.

And then there was a long pause, but in my head my voice had finished the sentence.

Isn't your dad like I knew?

So you just knew you had an A knowing now, you said when you were a child that you had questions and those were kind of easily put to bed and you believed your parents, as most people do.

Questions as a child

What kinds of questions did you have at that time?

Did you wonder if your dad was your father?

Were you wondering if you were adopted?

Like what were your questions?

Yeah, So my sister and I just never like had much resemblance.

I'm very fair and I've always had very big curly hair and like I'm kind of lanky and freckles, all that kind of thing.

Whereas my sister, she's got like the olive skin and the straight fine hair and different build.

And we were just very different.

And so as odd as this sounds, we actually would have our friends and sometimes teachers would even ask us, are you guys full sisters?

Like you both look like your mom but but you don't.

Both both look like your.

Dad.

Wow, which is just so interesting, right, that people comment to children on things like that, which is probably a whole separate conversation.

But but so when when people did that to you, you would go, you maybe went home and did you ask your parents like, Hey, why, why do we look so different?

And what did they say?

Yeah, so that's exactly what would happen is I would tell them, no, of course we're fell sisters.

Like what?

And they would explain why they asked, right?

And then I would I'd go home and ask, usually my mom, and she would say, yeah, no, you're fell sisters.

Why would they ask you that?

OK, I guess the other thing was that as I got into my sort of teen years, what I started to notice was that compared to my friends, I had a lot more rules and there was a lot more like safety type things, like I wasn't allowed to walk to the corner store alone or just some of these things.

And then again, as I got a little older and then I started spending time in the city and stuff, my mom would tell me just sort of strange things, like she'd say, watch out for this particular last name.

Like if you meet people with this last name, tell me.

And I was like, that's really strange.

And she didn't tell you why.

But no, no, like no explanation.

And and then there was sort of like, I think around 18/17/18, there was a story that she shared about having an ex-boyfriend that was quite violent.

And I remember after her sharing that story too, being like, is he my real dad?

And she said, no, like, why would you ask that?

And I kind of said, well, why would you tell me the story?

Why share this if there?

And she said, well, because you're at an age where you're dating and you're meeting men and I want you to know what a not so great relationship looks like so that you don't get into it.

So I think probably she may have been trying to build up the courage to tell me at that point.

And then sort of backed out at the very end.

But OK, it was enough to really sort of stick into my brain that that was a real possibility, even though she didn't confirm it.

OK, so you're on this walk with your parents, your mom?

The moment she finally said it

Says your father.

Long pause.

You finish the sentence in your mind.

What happens when she actually says it?

I just nodded and I said I know.

Was she surprised when you said that?

Yeah, yeah, she was.

She was a little welled up already because I think just the stress of the whole thing, like, I can't imagine holding a secret for that long.

And then now this is the moment you're telling the secret, you know, I know my heart was thumping.

So I imagine her heart was just thumping and she just did.

How could you know?

And I said the way anybody knows anything, you feel it right in your heart and right in your gut, like it's just there.

At that point, how are you feeling?

Oh, that's a good question.

I think my empathy for my mom and dad was, and particularly my mom was so high that I think I was really tuned into trying to just be OK and make it OK for her.

I remember asking like for some details in that moment and they were willing to share just that fact, but nothing else really.

So I remember asking questions, not getting answers, and then sort of accepting the defeat of that moment, like, OK, this is all I'm gonna get this time.

And so we started walking back to the house in part way.

I volunteered.

Well, I guess this doesn't really change anything, even though inside it changes everything.

Yeah, I was gonna ask upside down.

I was gonna.

Ask Were you really feeling that or were you just wanting to comfort your parents in that moment?

I think I was wanting to comfort them and I think also it was a real feeling of duality, like I could feel both things I was able to hold space for like this doesn't change anything.

Like you're still mom and dad and our family is still our family, but also hold space inside of me for actually this changes everything.

Absolutely.

So at that point, you're not getting any details.

What to do after the incident

What do you do next?

Do you tell your children, your husband?

What do you do?

You know, what's funny is I don't actually remember exactly how this played out.

What I do know is from my daughter recounting to me what she remembers.

So I must have just been absolutely in shock because I, I really don't remember.

But she remembers me coming home and just going to my room and just spending a little bit of time there alone for a few minutes after.

And my mom and dad, I'm assuming, left fairly quickly.

So she remembers me spending some time alone and then coming down and having a little chat quietly with my husband.

And I do kind of remember that a little bit.

I remember us doing dishes and me just kind of like muttering, hey, so this is what they said and him going, oh, OK.

And it was like, and nothing.

And that's it.

That's all I got.

And I do remember telling my kids, I don't know that my son would remember.

He was pretty young.

I think he was like 7 or 8.

But my daughter was a little bit older.

I think she was closer to 13 or so.

What happens next?

Finding My Father

Do you want to start digging in and finding out who this person is?

You get this information, What do you do with it?

Yeah, and you know what?

Without extra information, it was really hard to do anything.

There was sort of an assumption in my head that I think maybe she confirmed, I'm not sure, but I had the assumption that, OK, this was probably the person who was the ex that that it was an unhappy, abusive relationship.

It's probably this person that she was talking about.

But beyond that, what does a person do with it?

I didn't have a name to go with.

I didn't have anything.

Like there was nothing.

So I was really without power and kind of at the mercy of my mom's timeline, which is now a lot of years have passed.

So I can have empathy for that, that, you know, she was prepared to share a certain amount and she hadn't gone past that point yet.

So I had to wait for her to be ready.

So I cried a lot.

I cried a lot.

I prayed a lot.

I journaled.

I love an art studio so I did a lot of pottery and art and just tried to be OK and and persuade her I guess to.

Yeah, because this was, this was 11 years ago approximately.

So DNA testing wasn't as prevalent as it is now.

So at this point, I mean, were was Ancestry or anything like that even on your radar in terms of finding your father?

Yeah, not at all, not at all.

And even in terms of the Internet, like it was around, but I didn't know.

I didn't know what I was called like.

And I remember going away and thinking about it and going, OK, does this mean like I'm adopted then or what am I?

What does this mean?

And then after searching online for quite a bit, I think it was a couple years even then, I came up across a forum for late discovery adoptees on Facebook.

I don't think we had the term in PE yet.

I think it was just LDA.

That was all there was.

But I remember feeling great relief at just that, going, OK, I have a name, there's a name for this.

Finding Help and Support

And then really looking for resources.

I was in school for counseling to become a counselor at the time.

And I remember even then also looking at all my course working, going OK, where's the help for this?

Where's the map?

How do we get better?

How do we recover from this?

I'm just not really finding a lot, finding comfort with other people online who had shared their stories, but I remember all of us being or feeling like all of us were really just in the same pool of despair and lostness and suffering and not necessarily anybody knowing the way out.

How much time goes by before you make progress in learning the truth about your birth?

So I think it was about six months later that I I had a name to work with.

So I had a last name and a first name.

My mom finally told me.

But before that, I was just begging for really, like, bread crumbs, like, give me anything, give me something to work with.

And she said, OK, well, he was Belgian.

And I was like, OK, all right.

And like, and, and she said, and he was athletic, OK.

And so I remember going online and, like, Googling Belgian athletes and, like, just looking at their pictures and going, OK, that's the thing.

And then reading about the culture.

And I read something about a protest that involves French fries, something about people eating a lot of French fries at this protest or a French fry protest.

And me going, well, I love French fries.

Like, I was looking for any little crumb to identify this piece and go, OK, well, they love French fries.

I love French fries.

Yes.

OK, that's it.

And then, you know, some time went by and then I did have a last name to work with.

And then the search actually got a lot easier.

I sat on the fence a lot about whether or not to meet him and ultimately decided not to because when she disclosed all the details of what had happened, I just really wasn't super comfortable with it.

It was kind of like, OK, people change, but do people change that much?

I, I don't know.

At the time I put it on hold, I didn't make my mind 100%, but I was like, I'm certainly going to put that on hold and we'll see if we can find siblings first.

So using one of the search engines online, there was a website for people to connect.

I went looking for him, but what I found was his daughter looking for him.

And so I went OK, so half sibling.

Cool.

OK, so she was the first half sibling that I met and she was also placed for adoption.

So she was also not raised by him.

And so it was kind of neat to connect with.

Yeah, like an older sister.

I was the oldest, but now I'm not the oldest.

Wow.

All right.

So you find a sibling, I guess she probably doesn't give you much information though about your family, but did you get a chance to speak with her and and what was that like to connect with somebody on your paternal side that you were related to?

How to navigate the extended family

And then from there the search was easy because our niece on that side also found her through the same website.

And so then she contacted me one day and she said how do you feel about meeting a niece?

And I was like perfect, hook us up.

And that was kind of cool because she lives a lot closer to us.

She's in Vancouver as opposed to my half sisters like across the country.

So I think it was like 2 years post discovery we met my niece for the first time.

You're meeting these extended family members as you're meeting.

Do you share what you have learned?

Are you keeping that close?

How are you navigating that?

Because you know, often when I hear these stories, it's maybe it was an affair, he didn't know, maybe he did know, but he had a family or something like that.

But there are these circumstances where it there was a reason why your mother didn't want you to be around this man.

So do you disclose those reasons to the people that you meet?

You're, you're asking like the golden ticket question, right?

Like what is the story?

What really happened?

So I'll tell what really happened in the best way that I can, because since writing my book, I had to meet with a lawyer and they told me all this stuff about you can say this and you can't say that.

So I'm going to do my best to tell it as truthfully as I can.

So the story she discloses to me is that when she was 15 is when she met my birth dad and he was in his mid 30s.

So like gigantic age gap, gigantic power differential.

And so he lures her into some form of relationship that they were in from the time she was 15 until 22.

He was married at the time.

He had three other children with that particular woman.

He had many more children than that, but he had three boys he was raising with his wife at the time.

And the one boy, the one in the middle, was actually just a little bit younger than my mom and was there for like, the whole relationship.

He was aware of it.

He was expected to keep it a secret.

And so, yeah, big, big safety issues, big red flags.

And so, yeah, when I met my mother, sister, I did tell her that when I met my niece, it wasn't a secret what kind of a person he was.

And like, very quickly, often actually the first question was, are you in contact with him, right.

So like when whenever I met someone, it was like, are you gonna find him?

Have you found him?

Because there was, there were safety issues or at least we believe there's safety issues, right?

Right.

So the niece that you met, was she the child of one of the the children that he raised?

Yeah.

OK, yeah, so she was the child of the oldest brother.

We got to know her a little bit.

And then she connected us, not with her dad, because that's a whole other story, but with her uncle, the second boy that was all friends with my mom.

So she kind of said, do you want to meet Uncle so and so?

And I said, Oh yeah.

And I checked with my mom first.

I said, do you mind if I meet so and so?

She said sort of of all of them, that's who she would feel the best about me meeting, just from what she could remember of him.

So I said, yeah, go ahead and give him my number.

And then I waited for like a year, long enough that I gave up.

Yeah, you've had a lot of patience throughout this process.

So when he reaches out to you, what does he say?

He says, hey, it's your brother, and sorry it took so long.

Yeah, it was really awkward at first.

We had some awkward exchange.

He cracked a joke that was like, if anybody in my normal life cracked this joke, I would have been like, we're not friends anymore.

But because it was him, I was like, I'm going to give him a chance.

He's probably just nervous.

I'm really nervous.

It's going to sound maybe weird, But almost always my first question when I was meeting family members was like, are you a safe person?

Because there was a lot of, from what I could tell, there was a lot of really complicated family issues.

And I mean, maybe an unsafe person isn't going to say they're unsafe, but I was still going to ask.

Yeah, you know.

Did your mom give you the information about your brother being around and that he was a friend or did he fill you in on some of those details?

She did initially, Yeah, she did.

Initially.

She said that she remembered my brother as being really, really kind and that they were really, really good friends and that when she was needing to be cared for, he was someone that we care for her.

So that that in itself kind of paints a picture, doesn't it?

How is your mom reacting as you're pursuing learning more?

How is your mom reacting to your pursuing learning more?

It was so hard for both of us.

Every time I took a step forward, I always talk to her about it and my heart always raced and my hands always shook and I'm pretty sure hers were too.

I don't think it was ever a bridge she wanted to cross and I think if I had have been happy to not cross that too, that would have been so much easier for her.

It wasn't easy for her, it wasn't easy for me.

It was hard.

And what is your raised father, your adoptive father?

What is your adopted father doing during this time and is he supportive of you pursuing these connections?

What is he doing during this time and is he supportive of you pursuing these connections?

My dad that raised me was a really interesting human in terms of parenting and I, again, I don't think it made sense until hindsight, right?

I think he was more hands on with my sister.

I feel like there's been a lot of times where I felt like him and my mom maybe had something of an agreement or he just realized that because I wasn't his, he felt differently.

So he wasn't super involved with me all the time and certainly not emotional.

He was very reserved that way, so he really didn't have very much to say.

At the point that I met my brother in person, he had something to say about that and it it wasn't very nice, it wasn't very kind.

So when my brother and I agreed that we wanted to meet, he said he wanted to check with my mum first.

So I went back to my mum and said he wants to talk with you first and I'm OK with that too.

And she said, OK, let's do that.

So then the two of them met first the day before us.

And I don't know all the events of that.

It sounds like it was really emotional and really hard for everybody.

He wanted her permission to meet me, he wanted her approval.

So she gave it.

And so we did meet the next day.

He knew it was me right away.

Like I came in and he stood up and he went.

There's my sister.

Oh big and.

Gregarious and huge hugs.

And to hear that, it was incredible and such a relief.

Cause like I'm a fairly shy person and so meeting new people even without them being long lost family or whatever, and all the emotional baggage of that, I'm nervous.

So he stands up in big arms and big voice.

That's my sister.

And then he introduces me to the waitress too.

This is my sister.

I'm so excited.

So that was that was beautiful.

I'm really welcoming and felt good.

That's amazing.

At any point did you do DNA testing to try to connect to people I.

DNA testing

Think it was probably a good five or six years later.

So like quite a bit of time went by and my husband bought me Adna test as a gift.

I didn't have doubt that we were related.

Like there was resemblance very strongly, particularly between my daughter and my niece.

And when I met my brother, I was like, OK, we have the same eyes and my son has the same eyes.

But yeah, we did the DNA test and it connected me to other nephews.

I think we're the main people.

And then the whole family line story unfolded.

What had happened was my birth dad had a son with someone when he was like in his teens, I think he was like 17 or something, that son was placed for adoption.

And so then I connected with that son's son.

And then my birth dad had another daughter, which was the daughter that I met from across the country there.

And then he got married and had the three boys that he raised in amongst that he also had me.

And then there's rumor that there's there was a couple more after that.

And so part of my taking the test was also going, OK, well, like if there's more maybe they'll they'll surface here.

And how are you sort of compartmentalizing building these new relationships with these people who are safe and seem welcoming and all of that with there's one big piece of the picture that you do not want contact with.

So how are you navigating that?

And maybe you didn't have to.

I don't, I don't know.

No, it's a.

It's a really good question.

It's a good question.

I think when I've met people, often the first question is for both parties, are you in contact with so and so?

And the correct answer is no, we are not in contact with so and so because if you are, nobody wants anything to do with you.

Like this is not a safe person that we want in our life.

It actually felt like a huge relief when I got to know my brother and getting to know him sort of provided that it filled in a lot of pieces for me without needing to feel like I needed to meet this other person.

And it also gave me some confirmation that that was the right decision and feeling like, OK, I've made a decision on that.

And I'm firm on it.

That was a relief.

It meant OK, like the rest of the journey can look however it looks.

But this part, I know this is how I want it to be.

And I also know that this person is like aging.

They're getting on in yours and it is what it is, right?

OK, so it sounds like most people then many people in their life, his life are estranged from him because of the choices that that he's made.

I guess my next question is because, you know, when I, when I do talk to people, there's a lot of energy and feeling around how we were conceived and you know, were we conceived in love?

How did you know your mother was pregnant?

All, all of those kinds of questions.

You have a pretty clear picture of what the circumstances were around your conception and your birth.

It's not a happy story, traumatic for your mom.

Obviously it does not define who you are as a person, but did you have to navigate any of those feelings about who you were?

I have.

The result of this?

I, I remember writing a lot about who does this make me?

Because in the beginning, the way that I interpreted my mum's reluctance to give me his name and I wrote it down was what kind of a monster must he be if I can't even know his name?

And if his DNA makes up half of who I am, then what does that mean about me?

I did grapple with that a lot.

And I felt bad for my mom because she had said to me, I don't want you to internalize it.

She said I don't want you to make it.

But it's unavoidable.

It's just human nature.

I think anyone who has this kind of discovery grapples with identity and has to sort of rebuild from the ground up in a lot of ways.

And then I remember what kind of brought me comfort, at least for a short time, was I had come across Khalil, Khalil Gibran's He there's a poem called on Children.

And there's a line in this poem where he says, they come through you, not from you.

And then I sort of had this vision of like, you know, an actual tree and how so much goes through the tree to create the fruitage.

And it's just the tree is the vessel for the fruit.

I remember doing like artwork about it.

I I drew all these trees and all this.

You know, like.

All of this heavily processing reflection.

And so for a short time, it kind of like allowed me to distance from it, go, OK, I came through this, not from this.

Later, my thoughts on that changed dramatically.

Like probably in the last two to three years, I've done a lot of ancestor work and a lot of ancestor meditation and, you know, like leaning completely the other way.

How has that changed?

So what changed this last year was that I guess about two years ago my grandfather passed away.

The Journey to Malta

So that was my mom's dad and we were really close.

So when he passed away, immediately, what I wanted to do was go back to his home country of Malta because he never talked about it very much, but it was a big part of who he was.

And I was curious.

I don't know, I just wanted to see it.

I wanted to see it.

I wanted to feel it, smell it, hear it, eat the food, all the things, and see if there was like some remnants of him and myself there.

So we planned the strict Malta.

We went there in March.

And then just life being what it is, our plane stops over in Paris.

And I don't know if you're familiar with the Paris airport, but it is wildly enormous.

Nobody is speaking English, there is a lot of yelling there are like you have to take buses within the airport to get to the different terminals.

Like it is just chaos.

Anyways, so we miss our flight, our connecting flight, and the best the airport can do is tell us to stay in Paris for like 2 days and then they will fly us to Italy where we will wait another day and then get our connecting flight.

And so at first we were kind of like, Oh my gosh, like worst nightmare, what is happening?

So we scramble, we find somewhere to stay.

But then it also felt really like a blessing in disguise because the other pieces of MyHeritage, so my birth dad's family was French, Belgian.

So the French piece was a big piece, and then also Italian came up very strongly, not just on my grandpa's side, but also on that side as well.

And so when we were in Paris, I was still doing the work like I was when we were on the trains.

I was looking at the buildings and going, OK, like, was my great, great grandmother here and did she see what I'm seeing?

There was something, it's hard to even put into words, but there was something just inside me that felt this curiosity and this comfort and this holding and connection.

And it's so much bigger than maybe the vadnais of one person or the mistakes of one person or many people.

Like it was just, it was larger than life.

It was larger than me.

And then the same experience happened in Italy and then very, very much so more in Malta.

I had come across this philosophy before we went that our ancestors really are within us and so we carry them with us all the time and we always have access to them.

So like even without the facts, we have those pieces in US.

And so I really kind of leaned into that emotionally and mentally while we were travelling and felt that.

Comfort.

I love that.

That's so profound.

So I wrote this book and really just wrote it from my heart.

Like just rewrote somewhere in the middle.

I felt really unqualified.

I was like, I am not qualified to talk about someone not being raised by a birth mom.

Like I'm qualified to talk about someone being raised by a mom who's like conflicted or where they've come out of something that wasn't necessarily loving.

But there are definite limitations to what I can write about from experience.

And so I put a call out to the community that others could send in their stories and contribute to be a part of it.

So I had a number of people write in.

And so those stories were gorgeous and generous and vulnerable.

And I'm so excited and happy to have them in the book and thankful that people did that.

But the next step was that I had to meet with a lawyer who explained to me all of the legalities of, you know, helping others tell their stories in ways that are responsible, which is a side note to the asterisks.

That is, I came to the conclusion my mom really needed to approve of or at very least read what I'd written for me to feel good about publishing it.

I approached her with that a few times and she, the first few times she was like, just absolutely not interested.

She was like, I really can't do it and I don't want to do it.

She expressed a lot of belief in me but wasn't willing.

And so then this last maybe 3 months, 3-4 months, I approached her again and I said, what if I send it to you like 1 chapter at a time?

And we talk about every single chapter and like, if you see something in there that you're remembering differently, you tell me.

If there's something in there I've written that you're uncomfortable with, please tell me.

We are just going to team on this and hold hands through it.

And she agreed to that.

And it's been really beautiful and healing, even if my book didn't get published and come into existence.

Like the hugest success in the world is that we're friends.

For like the first time in my life, I don't think we've ever been friends.

And so that's been wildly a gift that I did not anticipate.

The book

Tell me more about the book.

So you said it's it's a bit of your story.

Sounds like you have some other stories in there as well.

So initially what I did was I had created a program that I guess you could call it an expressive arts program for Ldas and NP ES.

And I think probably it would it would spill over into the donor conceived population as well.

And so I had that on my website, itwas@latediscoveryadoptees.com.

It's still up there.

So I had that up there for free.

And I had also created like a visual map of how my recovery had went.

And then I also had started like going to support groups and working one-on-one with individuals.

And I was always doing like checks and balances.

Like, is what I mapped for myself common?

Are other people taking these same steps to recovery?

And it seemed like what I had created really did resonate with people.

And so that actually just kind of inspired me that I wanted it out in the world.

And then my husband, of course, is just like the most incredible cheerleading, supporting kind of a human.

And so part way through the pandemic, he was like, I don't know why you're not using your extra time to write a book.

Like, why aren't you writing your book?

Everybody needs to hear your story.

And you know what now is also other people's stories and for that to just exist in the world.

So I think because I am a little bit academic, I think it felt maybe a little bit too vulnerable to just write my story and be like, OK, here's my memoir.

So instead I did all this tap dancing around like, here's the process.

And but for each, for each thing that I'm talking about, I do actually share my own story and my own anecdotes.

And, and I think it allowed me to do that in little bite sizes that were manageable for me.

Is it actually like a guide?

Does it take people through discovery, through making contact with family?

In the opening, we talk about sort of all the language around it, like what is NPE, what is you know, LDA, etcetera, etcetera.

So we sort of like lay the groundwork for like what are we talking about?

And that it's going to be from my perspective and from the perspective of other people like me.

Then there's a section where others have written their stories and shared them.

The next section talks about taking care of yourself while you're going through the book because it's hard work.

Like this is not an easy journey.

And so we really want to be set up to take care of ourselves.

The next bit outlines the damage.

Like what it what's the damage done?

Because you can't heal something if you don't know it's broken.

So we go through all of that and it hurts.

It's not an easy read, I'm not going to lie.

But we talk about what's been hurt.

And then for each of those sections, I give my personal experience and others who wrote in also wrote in according to those prompts.

And so you'll hear the experience of other people.

And then I outline what's the task?

What is it we're trying to heal in one sentence.

And then often what follows that is an experiential activity.

It is sort of an invitation that if you want to dig into this a little bit deeper, here's what that looks like or could look like.

So then following that, it is a long book.

It's a big boy.

It's not, it's not little Following that is the map that I've created.

And it really is very much like, OK, you can identify what stage you're in and it's sort of is clusters of things that you're feeling or doing or thinking.

And then there's another cluster of things, feelings, doings and a person can cycle through.

I actually think people cycle through those stages with every discovery because right, we have the initial huge discovery that turns everything upside down.

But then what?

Right when I when I heard that is French, Belgian, that was another discovery.

When I heard, OK, he had a daughter he also put up for adoption, that was another discovery.

And so each one of those pieces, there's a process to integrating the information and getting to a place of being OK with it.

And so that's there.

There's a whole section of medicine sort of exploring different modalities of healing that are also sprinkled all through the book.

But there's like a little summary of that.

And then I did something really brave and I wrote a section for the adoptive parents and families and people keeping the secret.

And the reason I did that was because just in talking with people in my community, more than half the time when I bring up this topic, someone says they know someone who it's being kept from and their heart stops.

And they tell me about this and my heart stops and they go, but it's not my place to tell them.

And I go, aha, I've heard that a lot.

And so I'm hoping what comes of it is that people understand more deeply what's happening because it's a really big and common issue.

And I'm also hopeful that families can repair.

Like, it's taken 11 years for my mom and I to repair.

And that's happened because we both got to a place where we were able to do that and find a way of doing that.

But boy, I would have liked it to happen sooner.

Oh yeah?

Well, I'm excited to read the book when it's published, and we'll be sure to include information in the show notes for anyone who's listening when it's released.

The Impact of Coming Forward

I did want to ask you for your perspective because you have read so many stories for this book.

You're sharing so many stories, and you've been part of this community for a long time now.

Is there a difference in the impact when, for example, your mother told you she did come forward versus the people that take the test and then have some difficult questions to ask?

I assume there's tons of similarities, but I'm curious your take on what the similarities are or if there are differences.

It's.

A really interesting question.

I'm sure during this podcast, you hear the story all the time of like when people bring forward the results.

I think in in people that I talked to whose family continue to deny it.

I mean, I find it really shocking the number of people that say, well, those tests are garbage, they don't work.

They must have made a mistake.

I just think wow, of all the times and opportunities that you could take to repair and own it, that was it.

That that was that was the off ramp or on ramp, depending how you want to look at it.

I think there's a lot of anger there, a lot more anger because I think it might be comparable to how I felt when when I had the information, but my mom wasn't willing to talk about it or share anything.

The sense of powerlessness and despair is so great that I, I imagine for somebody who's finding out by DNA, that would be similar.

I just want to say I I just think the more resources the better for this community.

So I'm just so happy to hear that there's going to be another one that can resonate for people.

You also mentioned that you are doing some consulting for a film about the NPE experience.

The NPE Experience

Do you want to share a little bit about that?

I, I'd love to, this director writer got in touch with me during the pandemic and he is so lovely.

And I'm not allowed to say his name.

I talked to him before and I'm like, how much am I allowed to say?

He's like no names.

And he's been working on this passion project since then.

He had written a script at that point and he just sort of, he really wants to do it justice.

He wants to do our story justice.

He wants it to be accurate.

He wants for our feelings to come forward and for it to not just be a part of the adoption propaganda machine that makes everything beautiful.

And so the first script that he had brought forward, he fondly remembered in the summer we were together.

He goes, remember I told you and you said that would never happen.

That was my feedback for him.

And now I think, wow, I probably sounded so weird, but it was what he wanted and it's why we became friends is he wanted to really do us justice.

He's heard all about my story in great detail and we've written the script quite a few times, but I think he's landed on one that we're all really happy with.

Like, I couldn't believe how well he integrated the feelings and the symbolism.

It's going to be incredible.

Oh that's so exciting and just how awesome to really want to do these stories justice.

I think so often we see NP, ES and adoption and DNA surprises in the media and it's used as a plot device to just throw a little twist in there.

But there's none of the fallout.

And people tend to just get over it really quickly.

They tend to just accept this wild new information about themselves.

So that's great.

And kudos to you for for voicing, hey, that would never happen, you know?

That's.

Really great.

What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child?

Advice for a parent who is keeping a DNA surprise from their child

Oh, it would be to tell it.

I mean, that's the really simple short answer.

And if you can't tell it because you're just not ready yet, then go talk to somebody about how to tell it.

And then tell it.

What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise?

Probably to go slow.

I'm guilty of this.

This is why I can say this.

I think it's really human nature to want to jump to the end part.

And I don't just mean reunion, I mean jumping to this part where you go, OK, I'm done, everything's fine.

I've I've cried, I've been mad.

I did the thing and and we're good now.

Or to rush to try and like make everything OK with the people that raised you.

Or like, just don't rush.

Just take your time, take breaks.

Megan, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your perspective.

I love hearing stories of people that have been in this for years, and I think it gives people a lot of hope to see where you can end up.

Even when we've had complicated beginnings to our lives, you can still reach a place of healing and growth and then helping others.

So thank you for reaching into the community and.

Lending your support.

Thank you.

Thank you for having such a podcast like this.

Just being able to tell their stories I think is such a big part of healing so that we're not alone and there's little bits of things we can learn from each other.

Thanks again to Megan for sharing her story.

If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprises.com and be sure to join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises for early ad free access to episodes.

Until next time, this episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced, and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.