BettyJo’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

I'm a sensitive person already anyway.

I try to, you know, see the angle of my mom's side, but I just, I can't wrap my head around how somebody could just cut somebody off like that because they start asking questions.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis Soursalt.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an N.

Speaker 1

PEA.

Person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

When people uncover DNA surprises, they are often left to unpack the mysteries themselves.

From The Who, what, when and where around our births to where our newly identified family members are today, we spend hours searching newspapers, online archives, and obituaries.

Many times we find what we're looking for, but sometimes we don't.

In this week's episode, Betty Jo shares how many of her questions remain unanswered.

Her mother won't share many details, and their relationship, along with her relationship with her raised siblings, disintegrated after her discovery.

Betty Jo believes her father is from Mexico, where endogamy, the custom of marrying only within the limits of a local community, clan, or tribe, is common.

This makes identifying specific family members tricky.

Betty Jo shares how she's managed losing the close relationship she once had with her mother, as well as how she's coping with so many unknowns.

Thank you for sharing your story, Betty Jo.

My name is Betty Jo.

I am 49 years old and I am in Texas.

I decided to do a ancestry DNA test to see how much Arapahoe Native American I had because my mother kept saying a story about we were related to Kit Carson and he married an Arapahoe Princess.

And so I was like, Oh, well, that's kind of cool.

So in 2016, I decided to use Ancestry just to see how much I had.

And when the results came back, I was like, hmm, this isn't adding up.

I was at home.

I was like going through, scrolling through and I was like, hmm, I don't have any finish.

That's what my dad was my birth certificate.

Dad was, you know, more finish than anything else.

I was like, I don't have any finish in here.

So I called my mom and I was like, it's saying that I have like 24% like native.

And she had told me that her dad, my grandfather had half German, half native.

So I shouldn't have the quarter.

She should.

I should only have an eighth.

Did you have any doubts or questions at all that prompted you to take the test, or was it really just diving deeper into what you knew to be true?

Growing up, I kind of had suspicions because I looked different from the rest of the family and so I was like.

You.

Know, and I even had asked my mom a couple times when me and my dad would fight, you know, could I get a paternity test done?

And she was like no, no, there's no need.

You know, he's your dad.

So I was like, OK, the idea was there that maybe he wasn't my dad, but then I also thought I was just being a bratty teenager.

So you get your results and you start questioning your mom?

Yeah.

And so my mom is like, well, you know, maybe my dad was more my grandfather, her dad was more native than German.

And I was like, well, OK, maybe.

But when it showed native, it was also showing like the whole Mexico area and up.

It didn't specify which part of North America.

So I asked my brother at the time, I was like, if I buy Adna a test for you, will you take it?

And he was like, sure.

So then I went to the other company and I bought him a kit and myself another kit.

And we did those kits and then April 2016 when I got the 2nd results, I was actually at a Christian women's retreat and I was sitting in the car, we were getting ready to leave with my best friend.

And I was like, I just got my DNA results and my brothers came in too.

And we're only half siblings.

And I was just, I was shocked, but I was like, I knew it.

I knew I was right.

So she was there to, you know, help me through that moment.

And when you're kind of in shock, you're like a little bit in disbelief.

So I had actually even contacted the DNA site.

I was like, is there any way this was a mistake?

You know, there's some error and she's like, you know, let me let me look into it and I'll get back to you.

She's like, you know, quality control looked into it and we're really sorry to say that we reran the test and it's still the same.

He's your half sibling.

What was your reaction at that point?

It was kind of, it was mixed.

I was heartbroken to lose that identity, but then it was also the back shadow of you were right this whole time.

So I contacted my mom and I asked her and of course she denied, denied everything, said it's not true, you know, it's not accurate.

And I was trying to keep it between me and her.

And so she called my siblings, and they joined in, you know, kind of like circle the wagons started attacking me, saying, you know, maybe somebody else, you know, spitting your DNA test.

And it's only official if it goes through an FBI lab.

And I can also pay for the results I want.

So they actually accused you of manufacturing the results?

Yes, you know, I'm just a drama queen, so.

Wow.

I just want it, yeah.

Like I really wanted to upheave my life.

For this.

And then my brother sent a group text to me, my sister and my mother, you know, telling US that if I believe that my parents aren't my parents, which I didn't say parents, I said dad then no longer contact him or his family and that I need mental help.

So that was the last time I've basically really talked to anybody.

I am so sorry that this happened.

Thank you.

What?

What year was this again?

So this was in 2016.

It was in 2016.

Yeah, April.

So you haven't talked to your family in eight years?

Yeah, it's been 8 years.

When it first happened, I was a mess.

I would hear a specific song come on the radio and I would just start crying.

When I was driving, it was like a it's a roller coaster.

I mean sometimes even now I have a bad day just thinking about it because I haven't find my my bio dad yet.

Of course, of course you mentioned that when you were younger you you did kind of question, were you close to your family before this happened or were you really surprised by this reaction?

Navigating the estrangement

I was really close to my mom.

She kind of spoiled me, which I don't know why, but now thinking back, I was like, Oh well, maybe she was kind of just bribing me that if I ever found out just to be quiet about it was never really close to my siblings because there was such a big age gap.

My my dad, he was, he was kind of quiet.

Really felt uncomfortable trying to communicate.

Were you surprised then by her reaction to just completely ostracize you?

No, because growing up, she would be, you know, the sweetest person in public if she knew you.

But behind closed doors, she, you know, talk behind your back, gossip.

So it kind of didn't surprise me just because of her personality.

And she also doesn't.

She's never admitted when she's wrong, and she doesn't apologize.

OK.

So that kind of closed the door on your relationship with your family.

How were you able to navigate that?

What did you do to work through that?

Estrangement.

It was really hard.

Probably for the first couple of years.

My husband's been very supportive and my kids are old enough to know exactly what's going on.

And I told them, you know, if you want to have a relationship, you can reach out.

And they've decided, no, they don't want to reach out to them because of how they are.

OK, you have not been able to find your biological father.

Finding a Biological Father

What has the journey to find your biological father been like?

It's been frustrating because we're assuming he is from Mexico, so most search angels say they can't help me because he is from Mexico.

But I do have one search Angel.

She says she's not giving up and she's, you know, taking classes to learn about endogamy, which is like intermarriage.

Cause a lot of the areas that it seems that my family is from, they're small communities.

So they kind of intermarriage sometimes.

Yeah, that's very much a cultural norm in other parts of the world.

Yes.

So that makes me a.

Little charging.

Yeah, for sure.

Have you been able to learn anything or connect with any other biological family that's maybe not your father?

I have met some really amazing cousins.

They are sweet, compassionate and they're trying to help any way they can.

The problem is they don't know much about their family history, so that makes it a little bit difficult to.

But I have met them.

I've met a couple in person who live in Texas.

Before you had your DNA surprise, you believed that you had indigenous roots.

Exploring Cultural Identity

Have you done anything to explore your cultural identity that you've discovered?

I am trying to learn everything I can from cooking.

I've been trying to learn Spanish and just learning all about the heritage you know.

I've missed out on so much.

It just upsets me some days, makes me sad some days that I've missed out this whole section of my life where, you know, what are the family recipes?

What are the health issues?

I have some issues in family with heart issues, risk for diabetes.

And, and that stuff is just so important, right?

Like we need to know our medical history.

And that's the huge part that I think a lot of people don't think about when they think about DNA surprises.

What's been passed down to my kids even though I don't have it?

What gene skipped me but went to my kids?

Absolutely, absolutely.

Kind of going back to your mom.

The Unknowns

I mean, do you have any clue at all how this might have happened?

I asked her if it happened to be assault and she sarcastically told me that nobody is pregnant from 72 until you were born in 74.

What did she mean by that?

So I guess she might have been assaulted in 72, but when I asked, you know, did you report it?

Did Dad know about it?

She never answered.

She never answered those questions.

And the only person she used to talk about all the time was a Tony, but I never knew his last name.

Have you tried chasing that down?

I imagine so, but it's probably hard without a last name.

I have, yeah.

It's, I have no idea because I used to, I guess I used to have farm hands.

She had always talked about the one Tony.

You have so many unknowns.

You're, you're not getting clarity from your mom on the circumstances around your conception.

She's denying it.

You know, flat out the results.

And then because of the endogamy piece, it's taking some time to dig in and potentially identify your biological father.

Finding My Biological Father

So how are you coping with the unknowns of it all?

Because I think a lot of people in our community, we all generally have questions that we have to accept may or may not ever be answered.

And in your case, you have quite a few.

So how are you dealing with that?

In the beginning it was very hard and you know, time.

Right now is not my friend because I don't know if my biological dad is still alive.

And if he is, would he want to have a relationship with me?

And if he has a story about, you know, how I came to be, it would just be nice to know all these unknowns, foreclosure.

And if I sit back and find out who he is, I'm not just going to, you know, jump in and be like, hey, you know, I'm going to sit back and try to learn as much as I can about him and see even if he's the type of person I would want a relationship with.

Well, that's a great point, right?

Is that you don't even know, especially because you don't know the circumstances around your conception.

Can you take me through the steps that you've taken so far to try to find him?

I've tested with pretty much every company there is and I've transferred my DNA to various sites.

I have asked Cousins and the search Angel that's working with me right now.

She's trying to put the pieces together and I'm just hoping that maybe one day I'll get, you know, that Magic closer match at one of the websites that I belong to.

Wow, which search Angel groups have you been working with?

I have tried three of them that I found on Facebook and they said they couldn't help me.

I had another lady who said it's too difficult, you know, I can't, I can't go on because basically I'm a lost cause.

So the current one she's been working on I think for a year and a half, and she said she's not giving up until she figures this out.

Without the answers from your mom and without this relationship from your siblings, is there anyone on your maternal side of your family or your birth certificate father's family that you're still close to?

I am still close to maternal cousins.

They have also been very supportive.

I'm actually still talking to a couple of my first certificate dad's cousin and they're just like, you know, she just needs to come clean and just tell you.

Have you tried reaching out to your family since the estrangement, or was it just a kind of a clean break?

I reached out several times for the first, I think it was six months, and they just ignore me like I don't exist.

So I just stopped wasting my energy.

How have you been working through all of it?

Toolbox for Navigating Trauma

Are you in therapy?

Are you in support groups?

Like what are the the tools that you have in your toolbox to help you navigate all of this?

I've been reading a lot of books on trauma and what it does to the body.

I've also been reading a book on self-care, which I really wasn't good at.

So that books really been helping me.

I've also been going to therapy, actually just found a new therapist that I really, really like.

She's been helping me a lot get through this process and some other processes that I've been, you know, kept keeping in the back of my mind that I needed to get out and just my supportive spouse, my kids, and just learning as much as I can.

I belong to several groups on Facebook and that just, you know, you support each other.

When you know other people are going through this, it makes it a little bit easier.

You never wish want to wish this on anybody, but it's kind of a relief to know that I'm not the only one.

Absolutely.

What would you say your biggest questions are?

I know that there are many, but you know what are the the the answers that you want most?

The biggest one is medical, you know, and then the next is would be family traditions, hometowns of where my dad is from.

And I know I'm never going to get the answer from my mom, you know, as to who he is or, you know, where he's from.

She's not going to tell me anything.

She'll take it to her.

Grave what's What's ahead for you?

What’s ahead for you?

What is next?

Hey, just have to keep plugging along, not let it get to me.

This past Mother's Day I had for whatever reason, I had a really tough time dealing with it and I'm not sure why.

I don't know if it's because it was Mother's Day weekend or what it was.

I had to go somewhere by myself for a function in South Texas and that's where I'm from.

I guess I must have just hit me.

That's the area I'm from and being Mother's Day weekend, I'm not talking to my mom and probably never will.

So it kind of just put me in like this.

Dark place.

For whatever reason this year I told my husband what was going on when I got home and I, you know, I went to my primary care and I told him what was going on and got the help that I needed.

And I know a lot of people think, oh, well, if you go to a therapist, you're weak.

Now it takes a lot of strength to admit, hey, I need some help here for sure.

And go to therapy.

You know, there's nothing wrong with therapy.

Why do you think that your siblings have leaned so hard into just complete denial of the science, of your motives, of all of it?

Why are your siblings denial-driven?

Why?

Why is that happening?

I'm so confused by this.

My family has been the type that you have to look at the perfect little family on the outside.

Behind closed doors is a different story.

So in order to, you know, whatever they're doing, protect the family name, they're going to deny it.

You know, our mother would never have an affair.

That's, you know, gasp, you know, we're, we were a church family that that just doesn't happen.

Were were you surprised by the prospect that your mom might have had a relationship outside of your parents marriage?

Not really.

She's always been one to think that guys are super attracted to her, you know, and my mom, she was very attractive, but I, not every guy wanted to be with her in the beginning.

I did try to keep it between me and my mom and that's when she called, you know, the other two kids.

And so I think they got upset that I was like, OK, well that's fair game.

Then it's going to be out there to see if anybody can help me.

And I, I don't think they really like that.

So now if anybody asks them about it, they cut them off as well.

I am, I am dead to them is what it is.

So I'm like, all right, you know, at any time they're confronted about something, I am mentally unstable and I need help because I'm lying.

Have you reached a place of peace with being estranged from your family, or is there any part of you that hopes for reconnection?

Oh, there will be no reconnection.

As I've grown through this process and have become more mature and have read these books of the type of people who act like this, which is narcissistic, unless they do a full degree of change, it's not going to happen.

I mean, if it, if they do change, they want to call, text, you know, apologize.

You know, I would, I would take a phone call and talk to them, but I don't think I would want a relationship with them unless they've totally changed.

That's totally fair.

You have to protect yourself.

Boundaries, I've learned.

Boundaries.

I used to be, you know, a people pleaser.

You know, I want everybody to like me.

But I realized I don't need people to like me to be who I am.

I want to be who I am, not try to be somebody else just so somebody else likes me.

I don't want to be a doormat.

Do you feel like your DNA surprise has changed how you identify, like how you view yourself, and if so, how?

How DNA has changed how I identify

I, I can see the Hispanic in me now.

I mean, other people could see it before because they'd be like, you look a little bit different.

Are you sure you're not part Hispanic?

And even when I would introduce or my siblings would introduce me as their sibling, people would be like, what, that's your sibling.

I feel more Hispanic than anything else.

And that's, I'm 24%.

So that's my biggest chunk of DNA also is Hispanic.

You know, I'm from South Texas, so it's kind of like I fit down there.

So it's always hard for me to, you know, leave and come back to the Waco area.

I actually cry every time I have to leave.

My husband's always like, why you crying?

I was like, because I'm leaving my home.

Oh wow, so you really do feel like a deep connection there.

What advice do you have for a parent who is keeping a DNA surprise from their child?

Advice for a parent who is keeping a DNA surprise from their child

I would say if they haven't done adna test yet, probably eventually they're going to do 1.

So probably be better for you to tell them now instead of waiting until they find out and get the surprise.

I mean, it's still going to be a surprise if the parent tells them and it's, you know, it's kind of like a toss of the coin.

They can find out the DNA test and be traumatized or they can have parent tell them and still have some trauma.

But I don't think it'll be as bad because it's actually coming from the parent.

Right.

You're not uncovering a lie.

Somebody's just kind of coming clean.

What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise and specifically, you know, eight years in, what advice do you have for someone who has kind of a, a blank book in front of them in terms of answers?

It is going to be a roller coaster.

There are plenty of support groups.

Find somebody who's going to help support you through this journey.

And it's never your fault.

And you have the right to know who you are, where you come from.

You're not a secret.

You don't have to be a secret.

And if somebody tells you, you know, why can't you just let it go?

It's your right to say no, I don't want to let it go because I just found out I'm part of something else than what I was raised as.

And I have the right to go find out what those cultural differences are, if there's a different language, different cuisine.

And if you're struggling, please go to therapy.

I can't stress that enough.

And like I said, there's lots of support groups online who will help you through because it's comforting also to know that there's other people out there who have gone or are going through the same thing.

Thank you for sharing that.

Betty Jo, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your experience.

It's really important that we show all of the possible outcomes and all the different stages where people are and their DNA surprise journeys.

I really hope that you get answers soon and are able to have some peace with the results.

Thank you for having me.

Thanks again to Betty Joe for sharing her story.

If you have adna surprise that you'd like to share, submit your story at dnasurprises.com.

And remember, for early access to add free episodes, join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises.

Until next time, This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording