Layla’s DNA Surprise

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Speaker 1

The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and isolating, but you're not alone and there is hope connection and Community are powerful tools as we process.

And

Speaker 2

he'll

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And I really wanted to connect to the older brother that did know about me.

And I just don't know how yet because he's not he didn't respond to my one Facebook message, but that was before I knew.

So I don't know.

You know, I also want to be really tactful that I'm changing other people's lives to right eye, but at the same time, if he's just not talking to me because of the secret, he's been trying to keep frizz dad this whole time.

That's also not fair to me because I wasn't the adult that made this, that they've decided it was a bad decision, right?

I decided that this was something they're ashamed about, but I'm alive and I'm very happy to be here.

You know, whether I was expected, not expected, wanted not wanted.

I'm here, and I'm happy.

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality.

I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July.

Of 2021, I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP, he's adoptees and donor conceived people and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Has Layla always knew that she was adopted by Family.

She also knew both of her birth parents or so she thought in this week's episode Layla shares, how she discovered, she is an N PE and what she had to do to identify her biological father.

She also discusses the many nuances of discovering a new ethnicity.

Thank you for sharing your story Layla.

I'm Layla.

I'm 36 years old, and I'm from originally from San Francisco, but now in Dixon, California, I've always known.

I was adopted.

So, my parents now, My adoptive and, and my adopted mom and dad, who I just called Mom and Dad.

My dad is my biological Uncle.

So my birth mom is his sister.

It's actually something my family is done before and son, so my grandma had 12 kids and with a lot of different husband issues, he was married twice until her third husband, who she did a children with.

And so the last one they just she couldn't afford the kids, she had let alone somebody else.

So her sister who couldn't have kids adopted her.

So this was really normal in my family.

I'm sure many families but it's happened.

A couple of the time with uncle's just really common and so as soon as I was born, my birth parents were substance abusers.

And so I was taking away at the Spittle immediately, I had drugs in my system and so my dad and mom decided to adopt me, it was a battle for like five years.

I was officially adopted at five and I think that's when they told me.

Obviously, I think, without knowing I knew, because before I could form memories, like, I was in technically, in foster care, my birth, mom would come over for a visitations to try and gain custody back.

When she showed up, because substance abuse is difficult.

And so I always knew And they always told me who my biological father was, I never met him.

He died when I was nine, he was in the prison system and he relinquished his rights, because he like me trying to be a good father, and do what he thought was best in knew he couldn't raise a kid.

And so, we always grow up talking about him when he passed away, he didn't have relatives.

That would pick him up.

So my dad had him cremated for me, which sounds kind of morbid, but is also the sweetest thing.

My Dad could have done and we have him.

Yeah, so, I Always knew, I don't know, being adopted and knowing it is its own kind of Journey, I didn't know.

It was a thing to feel out of place or feel different because they never, we didn't talk about adoption, other than knowing I was adopted, but not that people could have issues from it or things like that.

I thought I was just a normal teenager who didn't know who I was right?

I didn't understand.

Until I became a therapist and started dissecting those things that it is a slightly different, it's a little deeper.

It's being taken away from your mom at Birth being addicted to substances, You're born has its whole set of issues that I've been learning my entire life.

I feel very well adjusted for it.

Like you hear stories in this community of people that are really upset and I didn't understand that because I know what my life would have been if I wasn't adopted and I am thankful every day.

Yeah.

Did you have a relationship with your

mom?

A complicated one?

I complicated one.

So she was always around.

I knew who she was.

I was I always got upset as a Kid because everybody would always say oh I'm Judy's daughter.

I'd be like I'm not her daughter and I would get really upset because I, my parents worked really hard to build a life with me.

And I just I was really close to my dad like he and I were the closest as I've grown up me and my mom are really close, but he was like my mom growing up.

He did all the traditional mom things.

We were super tight.

And so I always felt like that was disrespectful to my parents when people would say that and I would get upset.

And in addition to, she never showed up.

And when she did, it was very much about her.

She showed up to one of my uncle's funeral and a party dress black, to be fair.

So at least she did that but it was a black party dress and she got on stage and rambled in some substance adduced rambling.

And she would like to just I'm sure she had a difficult life.

And yeah, she didn't do the work that she needed to do and it was apparent and it came across any time we would visit.

And I remember one time I was in In high school, getting ready for prom Junior Prom.

And she came over to see me in my dress, to visit my grandma and I put on the dress so she could see it.

And probably, the only time we talked in, like, the past five years, right?

Because it was very sporadic.

And I remember asking her to tell me about Peter, McGriff, dad.

And I remember her saying, it's just really hard for me to talk about and didn't and I'm just like you selfish selfish woman like yeah, I'm here for you to talk about.

It's also hard to be adopted and not know anything about your family.

I all I knew nothing I knew and nobody but him and so I went to grad school and in that we do agree genogram about your family and my grandma was getting older and I asked her about her kids and she couldn't remember anybody's birthday, it given.

She had 12 to remember and she's getting older, so I got to give her some credit.

So I decided to join ancestry for free.

It's okay.

And I just get birth dates and like she would name people like my uncle and my dad have similar names and like similar middle names.

Like it's just funny.

It's so funny.

I'm like, there's so many names.

I know you had 12 kids but you can make it any harder.

Yeah, like my dad is Richard Eugene.

And my uncle is Ricky Gene, which Ricky is just a nickname for Richard and doing is just half of Eugene.

So it's just it's so funny to me like very similar.

He went on to ancestry, and I started looking up for birth dates, you know, something as simple as that and then I show has already on it.

Let me just kind of see what I can find about my birth dad.

And one, my birth mom told me that they were married, that was not true.

There was no marriage certificate, they were not married and then, but I did find out he was married before and I was told I was his only child.

That was the only thing we know about him.

My uncle, the Ricky was also friends with him so he see Secretly showed me a picture when I was a kid because my dad was like, don't but he didn't like to listen.

So he showed me a photo, so he knew him.

They were friends, they were, you know, drug addicts together, that was this, but you find friendships, you know?

And so I trusted what my uncle said because I knew he would tell me things when people didn't want him to.

My family is also really big on secret, keeping in their own way, which is changed, as I've become an adult.

So it might just be secret-keeping because I was too young.

Can understand things, you know?

So the give them the benefit of the doubt there.

So turns out he was married to somebody before and had a daughter.

So I'm in grad school, trying to complete this genogram paper and I find out, I have a sister that I never knew about and so I kind of gave up on writing the paper.

I start trying to find everything that I can and was finally able to connect with her on Facebook.

We never ended up meeting up.

They had a difficult relationship because I think after She was born.

He got into his, his substance abuse and he I don't think ever came back into her life.

So that was a little complicated for her and I'm sure she didn't know I existed but she was pretty cool about it.

Yeah, and my paper ended up becoming about how I found out.

I had a secret sister and I got a great grade so that worked

out.

That's awesome.

How did you feel when you discovered that?

Like what were your emotions?

You know, I think this is a theme about because when I find out more later On it's the same thing as that.

I don't know if it's like shocked, but I don't like it didn't.

There weren't emotions like I would think there would be emotions.

It was just kind of like, whoa.

Okay, this is interesting, and it wasn't like sadness or happiness.

It was just like, whoa, I didn't expect

that.

Yeah, so you you connected with her on Facebook?

What kind of LED you to not meet?

Just it was there.

No real connection.

There, what

happened?

She lent.

Really.

Far away.

So she lived like really upper Northern California and a very secluded face space.

Like she didn't even see her Facebook message for like a week because she just wasn't, she's very, she's very neat lady.

She's like kind of hippyish kind of Off the Grid and she just didn't come back down this way, a lot.

And then I think I just didn't keep trying.

There was no actual reason.

And I think about that, In times.

Like did I did I feel something that I didn't couldn't understand?

I don't know, because eventually I did meet some family of Peters that was his half-uncle.

Because again, in this ancestry World, deep diving into these records, the person who I thought was my grandpa.

Like, had this very mysterious birth certificate where I think, his mom had had a relationship with a married man.

And so he, Ended up being adopted by her next husband when he was older.

And so just there's already some weird stuff there that I never even got to find out about but I met his his younger half-brother and we were really close for a little while.

He was much older and he passed a couple years ago, but I went and visited him.

He lived closer he was in like the Sacramento area and we visited a bit.

I also think they're just some things in my life that I was getting overwhelmed by and I just, I pulled In general.

So I think that had something to do with it.

So you aced your paper.

I did I did with your sister and you kind of continue on your journey.

Connecting with Peters

family.

And yeah.

And then I was just living my life.

I was in a relationship.

That was really difficult for me.

Got married finish, grad school.

First of all, that was just working and working and working.

Then I got a divorce.

I was like, just feeling a new Freedom, kind of getting back into who I was and that somebody that he is my fiance.

Now, Matt, a really great guy and he was super into ancestry like his family's from Scotland.

He traced, everybody back Generations, just really really into ancestry and so we met at the end of 2019.

The pandemic hit I moved in with him because I was living with my older parents and I worked in a field that was exposed all the time and I didn't want to get them sick because of this is the And you thought it was like almost a death sentence if anybody got it, it was really scary.

So I knew he had let me move in with him, fresh out of dating.

It was a quick move, but so bored during the pandemic, when there's nothing to do outside of work, is we were doing a lot of ancestry for him and looking into that and like, you know, let me, let me just do this DNA test but I've been wanting to do for a little bit.

So we sent that off.

Didn't really think about it again, trying to wait for the results.

Because again, with Peters dad, Dad and not knowing who his dad was, we didn't really know what his genetics were.

You know.

I only had a black and white photo of him but he was not Irish.

He was he was a lot more tan than Irish.

The I think we ended up thinking.

He was Portuguese from some of the ancestry stuff but not knowing.

So I was just trying to find out more about who I was with the lack of information and so my DNA results.

Come, I'm really excited.

I open the app on my phone.

And then I see the first, like 50 matches were African-American.

I'm very white and very, very white.

So I'm like, I look at him and like, I think he gave me the wrong DNA results and just names I'd never heard of.

And then I see cousins on my birth mom's side.

I'm like, okay, well, these are the right DNA results and I must have been in some kind of shock that made my brain.

Just not work because I lived in my fiance and like I think this means that Peter might not be my biological father like might and he's like you see letting me think about it.

I say it again and he's like I think it means he's not and I'm like yeah.

Oh And I just everything, I, you know, I always thought I was adopted by had the luxury of knowing who my biological parents were.

And that's not something that's typical.

And my friend, her mom had done a DNA test like a year before and found out her dad, wasn't who she thought he was and I remarked to my friend I'm like how lucky that?

That won't be something that happens for me as an adopted kid.

That's so rare.

Hmm here we are

once it kind of sets in What are you thinking at that

point?

You know again, no.

So I called my parents and I'm just like, this is wild and I'm like, what do you know?

What do you know?

Because nobody my dad would talk about Peter all the time and it was and I think that was his gift to me as the adopted kid.

Is he knew it was important for me to know where I came from and it was important for me to know that me having a biological father, wasn't going to change our relationship because we were so close if I forgot.

Got it would change our relationship.

I would never look into anything because that relationship is so important to me.

So I think it was his gift to me to let me know.

It was.

Okay to talk about him.

It was okay to do these things.

And so they were blown away and they're like, no, she always told us it was Peter.

We had no clue and she's passed away, my uncle.

That might have known anything passed away.

That was where she worth the party dresses to his funeral.

So there was nobody

Did you recognize any of them matches know that these were just complete strangers to you

complete strangers?

Not a clue.

And so I like to go from a feeling space and just go to a doing space and that's what I did.

I just started diving and might my fiance was amazing and he was helping me dive and look into this up because he's really into it.

And he traced his family back generations and generations.

But it was a really hard to do this one because so many names Linking to each other.

So, you couldn't tell kind of what line I think.

People with the same name would marry even the most recent generation where I was thinking, who would be my grandparents, right?

And I was looking at that level and even to people that were married, both of their her maiden name and his name were both the same last name.

So, I'm like, well, this is getting really complicated and it was really hard.

So, he, I went to bed, like, feeling defeated.

We're just trying to track who my great-grandparents who I thought would be my great grandparents.

It's who their kids were, and there were a lot of them, we couldn't find them all.

And I was just, like, what line am I based on the matches for cousins?

I started like, my first cousins.

I started emailing everybody that I could, and it was also really tricky, because somebody who was listed as a first cousin, that should be a second.

Cousin was throwing my results off.

So I'm thinking if he's a first cousin, this is who one of these uncles of his has to be who my father is, but he's actually a second cousin.

Okay, so that Confusing.

But I did find some other people who didn't have great connections, really sweet, people, really wanted to help but couldn't answer anything.

And so I went to bed.

We and again, this of the sweetest person in my life is, I woke up to like one of those crime scene boards with Post-its all over the front door and in different colors, like color-coordinated Post-its in the shape of like a family tree to find out.

And I woke up he's like ice.

I figured it out.

I know who you are, what lying he came from.

And I've been messaging with one of the kids to one of either her dad or her uncle's is your biological father.

Like I found it.

She's messaging us when she wakes up.

We'll talk to her and I'm like I was just in shock and so she ended up calling her dad and this is where I did have some feelings come out because her dad, sweet man is also Kind of has his issues with addiction and he's alive and for me and like, well, I can deal with with a dad that his substance issues.

That's not a life that I haven't met and we're dealing with somebody that's not a human in front of me.

I know how to deal with dealing with somebody that I could possibly meet was very, very scary to me dealing with somebody, I could possibly meet who also has their struggles was really scary to me being a kid of people who have addiction issues.

It makes you feel feel constantly on edge in a sense about is this going to be my life is something going to trigger me and that's scary to feel such despair.

That that is something that brings you Joy to or just be stuck in that cycle.

Knowing it's not right for you and unable to get out of it is terrifying to me.

My fiance was convinced that he was my dad.

So she asked him she's like and she said, my birth, mom's full name and she liked, you know, this woman and he was like, oh my God, how do you know that name?

So she's like, it's you is this your kid like what's going on?

And she's like, no.

He said, no, that's not my kid.

That's my dad's kid.

Yeah so he knew about you

kind of so there was a rumor.

So his dad was in the military really stand-up guy but when he got older he liked to party with younger women and this was a thing that he knew that his siblings knew and he was still married.

So it was like shameful for them in the family.

And his older brother was like really in charge of making sure the mom wasn't getting hurt and things were like in order.

Like he couldn't change his dad's Behavior, but it can make Sure his mom was okay, which is really Noble and he is one of the only people that didn't respond to me on Facebook, which was I find interesting, I still haven't met him or talk to him but what my I guess my older brother heard is his name's Wayne, he heard that his dad ended up getting my mom pregnant and paying her off to not talk about it and which makes a little more sense with my mom never saying anything.

Again, it can't ask her even if I could.

I'm pretty sure I would still not know, but so that's what he had heard.

And this is the thing that I need to get another test just to confirm but the fact that he even knew her name, they also lived in the same neighborhood.

And so it makes sense to me.

Also, when I saw a photo of him, I immediately looked at it and said there's my nose because and being in it from an Italian family, they have very prominent features and I was always like, oh, I didn't get this nose and that's My biological family and I'm like, I don't have that nose.

I also always had curly hair like, straight to my head.

Cory's Matthews curls that dropped when I was eight, got older and it's like, almost right now.

But I always, as a kid had really curly hair that again, like nobody in my family had curly hair, Peter's family didn't have curly hair but I was always just trying to look for my nose.

Peter didn't have my nose Peters family didn't have my nose, my family didn't had my nose and why of all features I settled on that?

I don't know.

It was just one of those.

And I saw his photo and it's like a black-and-white slightly enhanced.

It's from when he was in the Navy and I like that, that's my nose.

So for me, I will, I will get Wayne a DNA test just to confirm, which he's absolutely open to his kids have been amazingly welcoming to me.

They've linked me with another their aunt, who's been also really amazing.

She also, she's like you have my nose and she's like, and you have the signature curls.

And I'm gonna go.

So it's wild.

It's wild that my birth dad was like my grandma's age when I was born.

Like so it's just and it's one of those things that I don't have, like, I'm not shocked, I'm not angry, I'm not sad, I'm just like whoa, you know, I'm already adopted.

I already don't know who my birth dad is never met them and I'm like, this is just a Wilder existed

is your birth father alive.

He is.

He passed away, I think 2009, if I'm not mistaken, he passed away.

Okay, so my genealogy says, I'm from like, I'm Louisiana Creole.

Hmm.

But that's where it gets hard because Creole is, it's not white, it's not black, it's not French, it's not Spanish and it's just this blend and so where I do have that side of family that is African-American.

I also have the side that's not quite and so like on my Birth dad's Navy records.

He was listed as what because back then it was negro and that's what it's listed on his record.

But you see photos of him.

He's a very pale man, and I did have one cousin who showed up on my DNA results.

Message me on Facebook once talked about it a little bit.

And like, the one thing she had to get out of the way.

First?

She's like, by the way, your dad's not black and I'm like, okay, like I've seen photos of me and him, like, I got it right, but I think it's that is something I'm learning.

King is very big to certain people, is that where your lineages?

And like I, so one lady that I was related to has this extensive family tree but we're not linked.

So, I had a message her on Ancestry to see if I could get access to her tree.

So she's like, I need to talk to you on the phone first and I'm like, okay, okay, and so on the phone, she's like, I need you to know a couple things.

I need you to first know, back in the day, there was a lot of intermarrying with in the family.

And because the story is that our genes back up to this really famous enslaved woman, like it's a really famous story where she was enslaved by this French family.

And you know, we call it rape because even if she consented in some way you're enslaved, you can't consent, right?

And so they ended up having children and when he was passing away, he wanted to give them this set of lands.

And when he passed his Is kids from his wife fought it.

So they only got like a very reduced amount of land and the family really wanted to keep it in their family.

There's no means for anybody back then.

This was something really important to preserve.

And so there the intermarrying was to preserve what they inherited.

And so that's what a lot of the DNA results show, and it also showed that some people stayed marrying African Americans and some people let completely and but the you're listed what you're listed as the whole time.

So there are some people that were like suing to change it and just wild and it says something.

I'm so removed from that, I can't understand.

But it's big to certain people in this community.

So I think for my cousin who was lack, it was important to her to let me know because I think for her it mattered that her family stayed a certain way because they are not ashamed of their Heritage and I love that, but it gets complicated and there's Dynamics.

I'm learning about Out that gets tricky.

What are some of those dynamics that that are

complicated and is that one, many, many, many people in America who are white or white passing are, descended from enslave people, that is a really big thing and so too.

And, you know, I am from a very diverse area and so knowing how triggering and traumatizing it as for the African American community, say oh look, there's lack in my family too.

Is like it's a very big thing and so yeah, I don't have any wisdom or Insight.

I'm learning different.

Everybody else and I'm just really open and I have really great people in my life that I got to process this with who can help me, understand which side I needed to stay on because I am a white woman and I need to be very mindful of how history has played out.

Yeah, that's interesting.

So you identify as

white, you know, I don't even think I had a choice in the matter.

Up in a very diverse Community.

I was told I was white and there is somebody that was we gone to school from Junior High and Elementary School ended up in the same high school who picked on me a little bit and shoot always think you're the white girl.

And when we got to high school, she ended up overhearing me to say how my grandma was a challenge.

Like she looks to me, like Italians not white.

I'm like, well, you've been calling me white, my whole life.

So I guess it's aliens wait now.

Yeah, and that goes into, I always always hated the questions about what were your Traditions?

What is your culture?

What's your identity?

I always still to this day, I hate the question, I hate the question boxes.

I'm like, I don't know, I don't know, even right now, like my dad was is technically black according to the US Census, you know, and I'm still being told no your weight.

Which is fine because I am white and I want to be very sensitive to even if I'm not white and white passing I am, you know, I feel like that just complicated things further.

Now I extra don't know who I am.

But it also lets, you know, because I think the biggest thing from this is that it matters who we are matters, but at the same time, I'm no different today than I was when I was 15 and I my identity is completely shifted on paper.

But I'm still the same person.

Hmm, I'm not different.

Yeah, yeah.

I think

that the mixed race experience is so unique and that's not to take away from anyone.

Elses experience by any means, it's kind of like both things can be true, right?

Extremely complicated.

Obviously to be a black American, it is also complicated to be mixed race and try and figure out, okay?

Because everyone wants to put you in a box, right?

And figuring out which Box.

Do I belong?

And I don't, how do I identify and that kind of thing.

So that's why I was curious, you know what, your experience has been since you had this Revelation and has it changed how you identify.

So yeah.

Staying and in a sense, it's one.

I've always felt really a certain way about Louisiana and I've never gotten to visited.

I never traveled much as a kid and I got to go November 20, 19.

So right before, Where this all started for the first time I went, and it felt so special when I was there, and I'm thinking.

Well, Louisiana's magical, right?

So it's probably just because it's this magical place and now I'm like, did I know, did something in my being know and I don't know, I could just be being silly.

But I've always had this love for it from afar and being in it.

Just before this all happened, I felt magical and I still have family from back there.

My ma birth dad was born there.

He's from Louisiana and much Most of my cousins and who I've been calling my cousin's.

Have this time are technically my niece and my nephew because I just originally I thought their dad what might be my dad but they're technically my niece and my nephew even though they're older than me but they're from Louisiana, they've gone back there, they have family there.

So I want to explore that part more.

Once we can travel a little more freely once we can meet people, I really do want to meet that side of the family and I think I want to understand more of who my biological dad.

Us because I don't know how he identified.

I don't know how they felt about all that and I think once I know who he identified as that might help me understand what part of my Heritage.

I get to claim and be proud of because I don't want to take somebody else's.

So have you been able to build more of a relationship with any of those people like Wayne or your niece, actually

connected to my niece.

We talked a little bit, she lives in Oregon and his spotty reception, but we talk A bit and on Facebook.

But her brother, Levi, we talk we message probably weekly and he talks to my fiance all the time.

So we he's probably the one I've been closest to.

So what was the reaction of your adoptive parents and your fiance like once you kind of all process, this what is the reaction

been?

I think my parents are just intrigued.

I think my dad, my dad is just in general Keys.

A more stoic man and doesn't share his emotions a lot but I think there's Zap him that you know, he knows his sister made some some decisions in her life that made her life harder, and made the family's life, a little more difficult.

And I think for him, hearing that she was sleeping with a much older.

Man was really difficult for him to hear.

I think that's probably the most uncomfortable thing for him but and I think they were more.

So, how do you feel?

Are you okay?

And, and then wow, what a wild story?

But yeah, they're supportive.

They are they just want to make sure I'm okay.

Whatever I find out but they're really supportive.

Sorted.

And I think it's just like, why I, as soon as I heard that your podcasts existed, I wouldn't binged all the episodes.

These are fascinating stories.

Yes, it's people's lives, but they are kind of almost play out is TV shows, right?

It just these are like TV worthy experiences that we have and not everybody gets that kind of life.

So it's just kind of fascinating and they want to know more.

I want to know more.

My fiance's really excited about

it.

Do you have any questions for your mom?

I know that.

Past and and you can't ask her.

But is there anything that you thought over time?

Because I hear this from other npes whose parents have since passed like that.

You're like I wish I could ask my mom.

This do you have any of those questions?

Think it goes back to asking her about, who I thought my birth dad was at the time.

And I don't think I spent a lot of time wandering, those things because I tried and I know she wouldn't have answered them.

So I don't spend a lot of time thinking about that but I think as a therapist I just want to know about her and her life and I think, you know, growing up, I said I was very, very close to my dad.

Me and my mom.

It was a little, a little rougher.

We had a rough time when I was a kid, especially my teenage years.

I'm sure it was just such a joy, right?

And so we had a really tough time.

And I learned when me and my mom don't live together, we are the best of friends.

I called my mom so much that she's like, please stop.

But especially like every Friday were talking.

We have such a great relationship and Having that great relationship was getting to know her as a human, not as my mom, but as a person and I'm like, oh I get why you did this thing in my childhood that causes me such grief because this was happening for you and you were doing the absolute, I'm going to get choked up.

You were doing that absolute best that you could.

And I couldn't see that because I was a teenager worried about me and thinking that you were just being mean and not that you were working with everything that you could, her mom wasn't like touchy-feely.

Loving mom and she does know how to do that.

And my dad who was not touchy-feely growing up, we everybody still joke said, it's just so weird how good he is with children and how loving he is with children and animal because he's just really like a stiff guy.

No emotion, no, love ya.

But with kids and animals, he just there's a spark in this joy and he lights up and I so I got so much of that love from him and I just, but everybody, I grew up with it.

Mom, I'm like well maybe I can't.

My mom showed me this and I was so sad and then I stopped being all in my feelings and kind of use some of the tools I learned as a therapist.

It just listening and asking questions and it's been such a trip getting to know your parents as human beings.

It's the wildest thing and I'm such a big fan of it which I'm sure it's I'm probably not it's not revolutionary.

People probably figured this out.

Well For me, love doing it.

And I was maybe two just egocentric to figure it out, but it's just been the most cool experience.

So that's what I wish.

I don't have a question for my mom, my birth mom, but I wish I could understand who she was.

I know it was tough for her.

You know, taking substances, you're feeling something, whatever.

Going on in your life is worse than all the consequences from your use, and there are a lot of consequences that feel really crummy.

So whatever you are using that to cope with must be bad.

So I know things were tough for her, but I want to know more.

You know, I want to understand who she was as a kid where she got to as a teenager that this was going on and how she felt as an adult.

Like and I, you know, I think being in the Also, just sometimes you like, even adults, you make bad decisions, because you're learning things and you're growing and you're exploring and partying, and substance, use is fun exploratory for some people.

If you're substance addict, it's not fun an exploratory.

It's tough right?

Especially if you have kids in the mix but just knowing who she like, I want to know where did you meet this, man?

Which was the neighborhood?

I know that much.

But like what on Earth were you doing?

And I'm sure there's as much as there's probably some cringe-worthy stories being in.

Adult making my own mistakes.

I know there's probably some really good fun stories of her learning about herself and that's why I want to know.

I want to know who she was outside of the addiction because that's all I've never known of her as far as her being in this addiction and like what made her happy what-what.

Did she like?

I don't know any of those things.

Hmm, I really like that.

Do you have some of those same questions about your father?

Your birth father.

Oh I have that in more.

Like I still don't know anything about His parents, I want photos and nobody, I've talked to you yet has photos.

I'm pretty sure that the, his son that I haven't talked to yet.

Might have he seems more of kind of the story Keeper of the family and the history keeper, which I might be wrong about, but that's kind of the vibe.

I'm getting from stories and knowing who his parents were he?

You know, he was in the Navy like, what stories did he have, what, you know, I just want to know who he was as a human too.

Also, like the the big thing with people that are adopted like, okay, what are there any health concerns?

I should be worried about which is always the question when you don't know.

And that's one of the big things that I tried so much to look into Peters life is, I don't know what might be in store for me that I could know about and prevent

right.

Yeah, that's so important to people when they have either through adoption or an NP e.

Yeah it's kind of the overlap there.

What are some things that have a helped you through this journey?

I mean it seems like you are pretty well-adjusted like you said in terms of the adoption peace but in kind of the whole new cultural identity and unexpected father that appeared how have you been processing that?

You know, I think I have some really great people in my life.

I worked at an agency when I was finding this out where one of my staff that I worked with With lets me be really human.

She is a black woman and she is amazing and listen to me.

And and I think that's really helpful having people that you can talk to especially like I don't know how to navigate that and and asking people of color, how to navigate that is, is not good.

We have to do research on our own and I do understand all of that but you also need a human to be like, girl, you're tripping?

Yeah pit.

Calm down or?

Yes, that's a really good question.

Looked Into that.

And so she gave me the grace of being that kind of that board to talk to a little bit and she probably it's probably just a small insignificant conversation to her but for me it was big and she still somebody that's important in my life and I think just having a solid set of people that you could talk to, I know that I could go to my parents for anything in the listen to me and having that is really great.

My fiance is the same.

Just really?

I went to sleep and I woke up and he solved the puzzle for me.

That's amazing.

He is the most amazing man I've ever met.

And so, he's been really great with this.

And yeah, when I went to go meet Wayne because he didn't have a cell phone so we had to just go to my old neighborhood and like, go knock on a door and like, I don't know who this guy is.

And so, he drove, like, at the time we were living like an hour plus away.

And so he just drove with me to sit in the car.

He's like no, this is your special time.

He's like I'm going to be at the door until you tell me, you're okay.

And then I'm going to go walk away and that's what he didn't exactly the car the whole time I was talking to him and just to make sure I was okay and I was comfortable and that sweet and I know that's not the circumstances.

Everybody has especially listening to your podcast that knowing that a lot of people that have been supports for them, even if they did have really close relationships, you know, weren't talking to them about it and to like, if it was my mom hiding this and she is such a both of my parents.

You're such a great sounding board for me and then all of a sudden is a secret for them and they stopped talking to me about it that would just what do you do with that that stuff.

So I think continuing to have that sounding board and talking through this is one of the biggest things for me.

Yeah, I want to go back to you said that you did meet Wayne.

So what was that?

Like you decided to meet up with him and then

what awkward?

Awkward, you know it's like hi stranger that I've never met helping all these things and it was the pandemic.

So like and we early pandemic this was like July probably I found out again, I was still working in person with an at-risk population.

So I was just like, I'm not trying to give you covet.

I'm not trying to catch covid.

So we kind of talked in his doorway and so that's weird and awkward.

And the goal is to go out to lunch and it's just, it's hard because I have Not been out there.

And then again trying to just be human in a pandemic.

I'm giving myself Grace.

I don't like two people a lot right now it's tough so I don't know, maybe there's this, hesitation that I haven't spoken out loud about what happens if he does.

Take the DNA test and I go on another ride, great, which I don't think is going to happen.

I'm pretty convinced.

I believe his story, it matches up.

He, he was able to tell me names that I didn't give him.

So I like, I believe him. 100.

Sense.

But just because that's what my mom told them.

Clearly, now, we've established, he doesn't always tell the truth, right?

Right.

So, you know, that you're biologically related to that

fan.

That's true, too.

That is true to thank you.

You're helping me solve my own problems right now

around.

Yes, for sure.

Is, when your brother

yet.

Yes.

So yeah, you know what?

I think.

After this, I'm just going to, I'm going to pull the trigger.

I'm gonna go on Amazon after or Not An ancestry.

After this, I'm going to order that test.

And then, once it comes and I have to go get to Wayne's house.

But I, you know, I think that's it's the last piece of the puzzle which I which I have to do

so that's what's next?

Is that 100% confirmation?

Yeah yeah who your bio

dad is yes, where would you say that you're at now with everything?

How do you

L, I feel like I want to know more about life in Louisiana.

And how that was.

And I think that's a piece that I don't know.

When you're always asked, as a kid, what, your family traditions are, what Colts are?

You are all these things and never knowing what to answer.

It always feels.

Like a strange question that is like the first time I felt that something was actually identified like my grandma's Italian, her family.

Her parents Came From Italy.

So I feel very strong to the Italian side.

And even if my I'm not mostly Italian, that was something that was clearly defined for me that I can grab onto and use for my identity and we do she brought some of the Italian Traditions wine with dinner.

Making Focaccia all those things and seeing that oh you're Louisiana Creole, like that's something that is also clearly identified and feels feels nice to be able to pinpoint something, you know, even if I can't The find the the other pieces of it and just really liking Louisiana and wanting to know more about that.

So I think I want to know more about Louisiana but I feel well-adjusted.

I feel like I know who I am.

I would love to hear more stories.

I would love to see pictures, you know, I'm getting married.

I hope to have a family of my own.

I want pictures and stories to be able to tell my kids.

I hope that they don't feel as lost as I always felt.

That's so true that breaking, that cycle is snake eat.

For so many of us,

it's a much more common Journey than we know especially as I know a lot of people are finding out since an first ancestry and 23andMe have come out and all the other genetic testing.

It's a lot of people's world or you're going to get rocked that have no clue.

And just being prepared to if it's your friend, if it's your family member being prepared to listen because I know a lot of people make a lot of comments when those things come up.

In that moment, we just need a sounding board to share our bemusement, our curiosity, our shock, or horror, whatever it is must happen, especially if, yeah, some sadness, happiness, maybe, happiness.

For some people, you know, just whatever feeling it is.

We don't know what it is yet, and don't tell us what it is.

Just give it some space has to figure it out.

Yeah, that's really great advice for anyone.

Supporting someone going through this.

What advice would you give?

Give a parent who might be hiding?

A DNA surprise from their child.

Don't do it.

Somebody's going to figure it out, and if you're scared that, they're going to figure it out when you're alive that stinks, but they're going to be a lot more mad at you or sad hurt, if you didn't tell them, and if they find out after you're gone that just amplifies it because not only are they going to feel all those feelings?

And then now you feel like there's a lost opportunity to figure out the truth and I would tell them put yourself in somebody shoes and I know it's hard.

You can't really know you can speculate on how you would feel and especially if you're trying to pretend that you wouldn't be as hurt as somebody as you're trying to pretend.

I know who I would be just fine.

But really try and put yourself in somebody's shoes.

How betrayed would you feel if nobody told you, how sad would you feel?

To not be told how would you feel to not really know who you were and feel like you have to re figure out your life at 30 or whatever age, you know.

So don't do it.

Somebody's going to find out you could only keep it away from so long.

If your kids are dead against doing, a gene DNA test.

So you think they're never going to find out their kids might not their grandkids might not and then they're going to find out at 90 and what is that?

At

such a good point, such a good point.

What advice?

Would you give someone who just discovered that they are an npe

feel your feelings?

Anything that you feel is valid have somebody to talk to about it, your friends and family are great if they're good listeners, but sometimes they can't even get it because who can like, who can't?

Yeah, I am obviously a therapist.

So I obviously really recommend therapy.

If you feel that, you need, it therapy is amazing.

But also that might change you in some external sense but you are not different from who you were yesterday.

You Still, you your values are still your values and those values can change every day.

You can change every day.

But at your core, you are no different than the day before you found out.

I love that.

I love that advice Layla.

Thank

you so much for coming on and sharing such a unique story.

I think having the adoptive piece and then also the npe piece is is so unique and yet, I still think you will probably help.

Someone, who is listening?

Who has gone through something similar.

You're so, thank you for sharing your story.

you so much for your time.

This was just a blast to do such a blast.

It had so much

fun.

Thanks again, to Layla for sharing her story, if you have a DNA surprised that you'd like to share, please email, DNA surprises at gmail.com.

And if you haven't yet, please rate, review And subscribe to the podcast on Apple podcasts and Spotify.

Until next

time.