Shelly’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Speaker 1

Hi, it's Alexis from DNA Surprises.

Whether you're new to the DNA Surprise community or you've been here a while, I hope you're enjoying the podcast and finding stories that you connect to.

When I started DNA Surprises in 2022, I just wanted to connect with people like me and help others feel less alone.

Since then, we've created an amazing community.

People who understand the shock of uncovering family secrets after taking a DNA test, I'm excited to share that I recently launched A Patreon community for listeners of the podcast, which is $5 per month, will get access to episodes one week early, exclusive, behind the scenes content from me, and more.

If DNA Surprises has helped you navigate your journey, I hope you'll consider becoming ADNA Surprise Friend.

You can join the community.

At patreon.com/D NA surprises.

Thank

Speaker 2

You know, and then you come into the mental health aspect like I was, you know, you're looking, you know, you're existing and you're just like, OK, so my parents died when I was my early 20s at 35I discovered this huge secret and my dad is a lot, you know, my biological dad is alive and well.

He doesn't want that role in my life.

And you, you know, and obviously this isn't true, but you're just in the back of your head going, what is so wrong with me that no parental figure wants me or what you know?

So you have a lot of, at least my experience.

I had a lot of self doubt.

Speaker 3

Imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA, and unknowingly turning your life upside down.

For me and thousands of others, this is our reality.

I'm your host, Alexis Auerselt.

In July of 2021 I discovered that I'm an N P/E someone who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

This podcast shares the journeys of people who are shocked by a DNA discovery, mostly through modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of N P/E's adoptees and donor conceived people

begin

this episode.

A content warning.

There's a brief.

Mention of suicidal ideation in this story Parenting while navigating ADNA Surprise Journey can be an extremely difficult task in this week's episode.

Shelly shares how she not only uncovered that her raised dad was not her biological father, but that she is also ethnically Jewish.

She discusses many challenges we haven't dived into on the podcast before, from how the DNA surprise affected her son to the unexpected financial implications of a shocking discovery.

Thank you for sharing your story, Shelly.

My name is Shelly.

I am 37 years old and I am from Phoenix, AZ.

So I grew up the child of an alcoholic and very tumultuous childhood.

I was always, I was raised as an only child by my mom.

And I think one of the terms is you're raising dad, your BCF dad.

So my dad, he's still in my heart.

My dad and I was always, you know, led to believe that he had other children out there.

Very lifetime movie, sort of.

Life ran away from home at 17, went to college, put myself to school, all that sort of stuff.

Sadly, my mom did die from cirrhosis of the liver when she was 50 years old December 13, 2008.

My dad followed suit literally almost two years to a day later on December 15th, 2010.

Wow.

I became a mom right smack dab in the middle of that in January. 2010 So my life was just this roller coaster of life, death, life, school, marriage, all the stuff.

So after both of my parents passed, I, you know, entered into adulthood and raised my son and got my career started.

All of that, as I started, you know, healing and becoming an adult and coming into my own right after 2020, you know, the lockdown and everything, I decided that it was time that I wanted to.

Finds my dad's other children, which was part of this whole healthy kick I was going on in the new year.

So this would be New year 2021.

You know, I found a therapist to start working on my childhood issues.

I started yoga and then I took, which is hilarious because it's as of as of this recording, it's literally the day after my birthday.

So on my 35th birthday, so two years ago, I took an ancestry.com.

DNA test and a 23 Andme.

So I took those tests and I went to the mailbox and dropped them off and I remember going identify as Christian.

So you know Lord, let your will be done.

Which is hilarious because my mom always said, you know don't pray of her like that unless you're willing to have big stuff happen.

So as a way to back up a little bit before I sent those out, I had actually found.

My dad's other son.

So the the man who I had assumed, you know, just because we had no reason not to assumed, was my half brother.

Sadly, my dad had abandoned him when he was about 13 and he ended up being adopted by his stepdad by the time I had found him.

He, I mean he's a great guy, he's still alive and we still chat and stuff.

He's in his leave early to mid 50s, so by the time I had found him, he had.

Gone through a healing journey himself and stuff like that.

So we connected and you know to this day we still consider ourselves brother and sister because at different parts in our lives were raised by the same dad.

Yeah, I should have been suspicious then, but, you know, you just don't think of certain things.

So he had taken the 23 Andme test and he was all, you know, European, right?

And my dad would have been, if he was my dad's biological child, he would have been half Hispanic.

So it would have showed up as like 1/4 Spanish quarter native to Mexico for those who are Hispanic.

And don't know, one surprise when you take a DNA test is like, for example, say you're Mexican, it doesn't actually come up. 50% Mexican, 100% Mexican.

It actually comes up like 1/4 Spanish and a quarter native to Mexico, so just.

OK, so it breaks out cuz when I you know, as you know, when I took my test I thought it was Mexican.

So I wouldn't have seen Mexican, I would have seen the ethnicities that compose the Mexican culture.

Yes, which I quickly when everything came out, I was like Googling like Oh my gosh, and not anything I thought I was, but that's how it comes out to save anyone some shock value, OK.

So he was like, you know, I one nice thing is his mom was still alive.

So he talked to her and it turned out, at least according to his mom, that there was a good chance he wasn't my dad's biological child and that my dad knew that going in, which would kind of make sense.

He grew up growing up.

He was blonde haired, blue eyed.

My dad was at least very minimum, half Mexican.

Like it just looks wise, Didn't make sense.

But I swore we were related because of our noses and we had similar hobbies and stuff.

So you know, you're going to convince yourself.

Of what you want to convince yourself.

Did your brother question it?

We both agreed that there was a chance we weren't related, but at the same time, our noses are eerily similar and we have a lot of like, similar, like trades and interests.

So we were like, OK, well, can't hurt.

So I got the test results back.

I got 23andMe back first.

And you know, first thing I noticed is I wasn't related to my brother and I'm like, oh, that's awkward for him, which now is.

Very ironic.

And so my first thing was like I said, half of the circle said, you know, basically like quarter Spanish quarter native to Mexico, which in 23 andme world is, is what is considered Mexican, at least in my opinion, you know, experience and all that stuff because I googled really fast because I'm like, I'm not like what's going on.

And a cousin on my mom's side who had grown up with because my mom was the Mexican one who I had grown up with was there because he had already taken the test.

I'm like, OK.

But then I look on the other side of the circle, because for those who haven't taken the test, it comes back at the circle, at least for 23andMe.

And the other half of the circle said Jewish.

And a woman who I've never heard of or met in my life popped up as an aunt.

And she, my mom, my dad had all brothers, right?

So I was like, OK, what's going on?

So I, you know, I screenshot it, sent it to my best friend.

You know, I look back and I'm like, duh.

But it takes you a minute to realize like, OK, this is point blank saying that my dad's wasn't my biological father at this point.

My parents have been passed away, you know, over a decade.

So, you know, I can't call up mom and be like, hey, what the FI can't call up dad and be like, hey, what's going on?

So I was, you know, dumbfounded.

And your father's, your father's ethnicity, your raised father, he was white.

He would have been.

So I grew up believing he was Mexican.

So he would have, I should have came up like full Mexican.

Or we thought maybe he would have been like 1/2 white.

So, you know because his dad abandoned him when he was a baby.

So all we really have our pictures to go off of.

So you know and he's, he was older like he was born in 1940.

So I was just like okay.

Well, what's going on here.

So I should have came up at least.

Yeah.

I should have came up as.

Not half Jewish, basically.

So at a minimum you thought you were like 75%, Yes, Indigenous and and Spanish.

Yeah, so I thought I was 75% Mexican, basically.

And what was funny is when I found my brother, I had a couple of aunts who I was raised with, my mom's sisters who were like, no, your dad was white.

And I was like, OK, so I already had had this expectation of coming up at least like 1/4 white because I had met his mom.

His mom was like, straight from Mexico.

So I'm like, OK, well.

And so that's why it was weird that my brother, the man I consider my brother, doesn't, didn't come up at least 1/4 Mexican.

Right.

Everything moved very fast.

So this is about March 20th, March 21st, like midnight, sort of 2021.

So my bio dad, lucky for me because I know a lot of people who go through this experience, like they have a hard side finding them.

They've already passed all that sort of stuff.

So lucky for me, he's very public, you know, on social media and stuff, and he's the only brother out of his set of siblings.

So it wasn't a situation where, which is nice because I know there's been, you know, being a part of the community Now, you know, there'll be times where there's two brothers who it might be.

So out of the experience I've had, at least when it comes to finding my bio dad, it was very easy.

We found him online like same night I saw pictures of him and I'm just like.

You know, you don't.

You spend your whole life identifying as a, you know, Hispanic woman and you know, I'm plus size and I'm, you know, mid 30s at that time.

And I'm looking at a picture of a early, late 50s, early 60s, Jewish man who's athletic.

There's like so like literally you could not become more not me.

And what was funny is I look so much like my dad.

Like my daddy raised me like we are twins, so it was even weirder.

So it's like you had an opposite reaction to what a lot of Npe's experience where they see their bio dad and they go, there I am, there's my eyes, there's my You didn't have that.

No, yeah, I still, I see it a little bit now.

But yeah, at the exact moment I'm like, there's no way.

So I messaged my aunt who or the aunt who at the time was, you know, just a woman on that app and I messaged her.

You know, it's the most awkward for people who've had this experience.

It's the most awkward message you can send.

Like, you know, basically my name is Shelly.

Both my parents are dead.

Your came up with my aunt.

I don't know who you are.

Here's some life facts about me You mind helping?

And lucky for me, she's actually into genealogy.

So she responded to me next day.

She has been this, you know how like you have people in your life who you're in a dark place and they're one of the reasons that you keep going.

She's been that person for me.

She's amazing.

She's very supportive of the fact.

I've been vocal about my experience.

She, for those who don't know, I'm a journalist and I'm a writer and I've written stories on this and blah, blah, blah, all that whole journey you go on.

And she's been nothing but amazing and supportive.

So that same day, you know, she contacted her brother.

He had some questions and you know, we kind of went back and forth.

So there's me who's mid 30s, and then he has two other children who are in their 20s and then there's like a gap.

And then he has two kids who are like underage.

So they're, you know, they're, they're children.

And so one nice thing is my, my sister, so my half sister, she had actually taken a 23 Andme test like.

A few years back as a, you know, curiosity thing.

But she never made her results public.

So, you know, obviously I was in touch with her and she clicked the little switch that, you know, made it public and we popped up right away as half siblings.

Kind of going back to like when you first got the results, when you first saw it and pieced it together and we're like, Oh yeah, I am not as Mexican as I thought I am.

Jewish my dad, my dad, All of this.

How are you feeling?

I wrote it down one time because I don't.

So it's like for people who go through trauma, at least in my experience, it's like time and space lose all meaning emotions.

It was like experiencing.

I think I wrote it down where I was like experiencing every emotion known to man at once.

My mom was an alcoholic and made life choices that would, you know, go along with.

You not having 100% of your senses with you.

So I was not shocked, but I was angry and it's hard because she she's dead.

So, you know, I was angry, I was hurt.

I was.

When it comes to the ethnicity portion of it, I didn't even know Jewish with an ethnicity.

I thought it was a religion.

Which it it's both.

It's an ethnic religion.

So it's like your DNA can say you're Jewish and you can also convert to Judaism.

And it's a whole world within itself.

So it was just like how I explained it to people.

It was like going to bed an only child, Mexican woman, and waking up with half of your identity different and for half siblings, so.

So when I finally figured, you know, when it was finally confirmed by the fact that I was my sister's half sister, I literally, I was.

I was at my motherinlaw's house and I literally just kind of dropped everything and screamed like this feral scream.

And I was like, how could she, meaning my mom?

Because it was like her and I already had a tumultuous relationship.

She, you know, she was an alcoholic.

So she.

Made choices that Alcoholics would make.

My childhood was very she wasn't physically abusive that much, but she was very emotionally abusive, very neglectful.

Put me in unsafe situations.

The ironic portion of that as I was in therapy, literally at that same time period.

I just started a month before to navigate that, and she tried to forgive her.

So it just it was kind of like just this one more kick in the pants from her, but like from beyond the grave.

It was so strange because that means she literally went to her grave.

With that information, it was so hard.

You know, my motherinlaw has been also amazing and supportive of this.

So what followed after everything kind of, you know, pieced together, was just a about a year and a half of just this emotional upheaval.

So at the beginning of this journey, you know, my bio dad did not want anything to do with the process.

He was living his own life and that was hard for me because in.

My experiences of you figure I was raised by a tumultuous household.

They left home at 17.

I married really young.

Because you have trauma.

You find someone safe, you marry young.

Like I followed that whole trope and I always was hoping there would be someone to rescue me.

I mean, now, a few years into the process, I know that person's myself.

Like, you know, no one's coming but for a good good chunk of the beginning of my DNA journey.

I just had this fantasy of my bio dad rescuing me.

You know, like, we were going to make all these memories.

He was going to be super sad.

He missed parts much hot.

You miss my whole life.

He was going to embrace my son as his grandson.

It was going to be a whole thing.

That was not what he wanted.

And it's one of those hard things to explain to people who haven't lived this journey where it's like, everything's the same, but it's also very different.

Like, everything's changed, but it's the same.

So like, yeah, it's my dad, still my dad, of course.

But is everything still different?

Yes.

So part of the journey after the discovery was my bio dad didn't remember my mom.

It was the 80s.

They both enjoyed their lives and he just didn't remember.

So he had actually donated sperm in a different program.

Like he had donated sperm to, like, the Jewish sperm bank.

So he was like, maybe he came from that.

So I went on because I'm a journalist, I went on this year and a half search.

Of like, OK, did I am I the product of sperm donation?

You know, my donor conceived, which is also part of the umbrella that is the DNA discovery community.

So I did all this research.

I tried to interview family members on my mom's side.

They really weren't that helpful, you figured To me, this is very important, but to everyone else, this is 3536 years in the past.

So I ended up finding all these different family members.

My mom and dad did have fertility issues.

We do think that between my brother and I because he asked his mom.

And so we do think that my dad just couldn't have kids.

But then then, where did his lie?

You know, where did his stories about his supposed other children come from?

So.

That's interesting.

Yeah, so I did like a year and a half worth of choosing random relatives down, getting medical records.

Like I went a little nuts on it and I will call myself out on that.

That said, if you haven't had the experience, you don't realize how it usurps your identity.

And I just wanted to know where I came from.

Was I donor conceived?

Was either results of an affair?

You know, I just wanted to know.

I wanted to know my origin story.

Throughout that process, there were people who were supportive and there are people who were not supportive.

Yeah, who was not supportive?

I do appreciate the family that raised me, but you know, like there's just a lot of people who didn't want to talk about it and.

And now that I've had, you know, a year and a half of therapy under my belts, I realize that that's completely okay.

They do not have to talk about it at that time though.

And still to the state there's it's hard to have different.

So to me it's like being in a house and you have different rooms you can go in and I always have to and I think a lot of N P/E's do you have to juggle what you talk about in which room?

So like with certain people.

They don't want to talk about it.

Or at least I have the impression they don't want to talk about it.

I mean, maybe I'm wrong and I could have brought it up this whole time, but at least for everything, my impression is don't talk about it here.

But you can talk about it here.

So as time went on, I found who was safe to talk about it, who wasn't.

It just, it's this whole identity crisis, but like on steroids, you know?

And at the same time, it's almost like I was grieving the loss of a second dad because.

At that point in time, my bio dad, he did not want anything to do with it.

He was this interesting mix of always very polite, always very like, I could text him and he would answer, you know, I got medical information, which I know is a lot of what people initially looked for.

But there was no desire to be, you know, a dad.

And that's, you know, now that I've had a year and a half, almost two years removed from it, I'm at peace with that now.

At the time, though, it was like.

As my therapist put it, she was like a lot of people don't have to grieve the same relationship twice.

So it's like I already had grieved my dad dying and now I'm kind of again grieving, at least what I thought my dad would be again.

Yeah, so.

And it's hard to explain because it's like grief is not only.

Stuff you've lost, but it's having to grieve what could have been so you know, so you're going through that.

And it also brings up childhood stuff like anger towards both my parents wondering if my dad knew.

For those who have been through any sort of grief journey, it's physically exhausting.

It's emotionally taxing.

And then I think parts that people don't talk about because it is taboo is it's expensive.

You know, therapy is expensive.

Missing days of work because you can't get out of bed because you have depression is expensive.

Traveling to see people is expensive.

It's.

True that we.

Really don't talk about that.

The cost of a DNA surprise.

Yeah, it's.

I mean, so during that time period, I had my discovery in March 2021.

By the time this is out of club in two years, by June 2021, I was on my way.

I was already on my way to a last bit to see a friend.

So my son and I stopped by in Seattle, where my half sister was at the time, and we spent a couple days with her, you know, and I've also met other family members I could talk about, but, you know, it's just.

Under the category of money, it's expensive.

Is it worth it to get back to being whole?

But is it hard?

Also yes.

I would guess.

Like if I had to put a ballpark number.

Between therapy and travel, this has been a 10 grand plus journey like and and you know, when there's nights when you're bitter and you're hurt, you're like, why am I the person?

Not only you know what I'm saying, like not only has to go through the emotional shit, but you're also having to pay $100 plus.

Therapy session every week because you know so it's it's just adds to the, adds to the pile of stuff that you're going through.

Oh, yes.

So, so good for calling that out because and they're unexpected expenses for the most part unless you're already in therapy, you know, yeah, you maybe already had that built in, but the.

Therapy costs, the travel costs, I think those are important to acknowledge the costs of the extra tests that we buy, to validate where it is that we found.

The doctor visits because, like, I know myself.

Like, I literally right after.

It's like half of your health history changes.

So you go to the doc.

At least for me, I went to the doctor just to update my files and see if there's anything I need to be aware of.

And like, there's just all the stuff that people don't think of.

Yeah, so I want to talk to.

About the fantasy that you had.

This is something else that a lot of people don't really talk about.

I think we talk about that initial shock.

We talk about what happens after we connect, if we're able to connect with our biological family.

But I do think it's important to leave some space that I think maybe sometimes people do wonder or hope for something better that the grass is greener.

And I think that's completely normal, especially like in my case.

You know, I think every experience is different.

And I'm not saying one's easier than the other, but at least for me, like I said, both my parents have been passed, you know, 11-12 years, if not more at that point.

I grew up in a very tumultuous childhood, you know, And then you discover this biological father who you didn't know of and you know his family, like, yes.

So he has three sisters.

I've met two out of the three.

And they're all amazing.

And like, as an example, I met, you know, two out of the three sisters and you're looking at photos of a childhood that you could have been a part of.

You know, when you go on social media, and obviously social media is everyone's highlight reel.

So it's not quote, UN quote real.

But when you're in the depths of this depression or these big emotions, you know, you're at least for me, I remember I would lay there at night thinking like, Oh my gosh, this is going to be amazing because.

He's going to invite us out to where he lives and we're going to do all these cool, exciting hobbies that he has.

And I'm finally going to give my son a grandfather on my side.

He has a wonderful grandfather, my dad's side.

But you know, I'm just like, this is going to be this really cool experience, you know?

Now a couple of years later, I'm happy to share, you know, how it has actually turned out.

But it didn't turn out to be that.

And that's hard to come.

I mean it took me months.

I basically almost went through in my head and this sounds really weird but like almost like a breakup of sorts with my own fantasy.

So like with my bio dad I actually like purposefully would be like, OK, so he has he has said so it was like the DNA discovery was in March.

By about that July, I had figured, OK, you know he had he had said so and I figured, OK, so I'm not going to have the relationship with him that.

You know, I would have hoped for.

We do have a relationship of sorts now.

Yeah, I almost had to go through this like okay.

Well, this is not a man.

He wants to hear from every game.

So, you know, don't text him all the time.

You know, don't.

So like for the first year I'd text him on like holidays and stuff like that.

So it was almost this gradual letting go of a fantasy, which is hard.

Yeah, for sure.

So you you the fantasy kind of started in March.

You said by July you realized the fantasy was not real and you were going to have to let it go, and that he essentially told you so.

He told you, I don't remember your mom.

I'm not sure how you came to be.

What did he say about a relationship with you that made it very clear to you that that wasn't going to happen?

So this is July 2021 and since then he has was I changed his mind.

I can get into that later, but at the time it was very much, you know, I'm not looking to be.

Your dad.

I'm not looking to be a grandpa.

I raised my own kids.

You had your own parent.

But that sounds harsh.

And at the time, it did to me.

And it still does because I am a parent.

But at the same time you meet people where they are.

And he at that point, you know, he technically didn't have an obligation to do that.

What I have preferred he did, yes, but yes, it shattered me.

I'm not going to lie, it shattered.

I mean, I got suicidal like very passively.

So like, I don't think I ever would have done it, but definitely had a contingency plan and definitely was very aware of that because you just go into this dark place of am I even meant to be here?

You know, like if you don't know how you?

And so why I was so adamant about finding out where I came from because I wanted to know where I came from.

So I can tell myself, okay, it's okay that you're here.

So, so, yeah.

So I like I said, I spent a year and a half figuring out, you know, talking to people, discovering all this stuff about my mom's past because I talked to like your cousin and this and that.

And that was hard because she was, she didn't have the best life and.

So it's just a lot of big emotions.

At the end of the day, the simplest answer is the, you know, is the most likely answer.

I, you know, I'm the product of an affair.

They most likely met at a bar in the area where I was born and you know, I don't.

I think they had a date or two and then my mom found out she was pregnant and passed me off as my dad's.

I do not know if my dad knew.

I don't think so because there was a lot in my life that indicated he didn't.

So you know, he did the typical, especially he did meet my son.

So you know, who would say stuff like he has, you know, insert last name here, pear or eye color or whatever.

So I personally don't think he knew, but like I will never know.

So there has been parts of this journey that I've just had to learn to let go because if not, you will drive yourself crazy.

So as the time went on, like I said, that summer I met my sister.

So that was summer 2021.

In summer 2022, I met my aunt who has been such an amazing part of this journey.

So she was amazing.

And at the time she had a summer home next to my other aunt who was one of his other sisters.

I met her and you know, I've gotten to know people and in this past.

So November 2022 I met my bio dad for the first time and it was him who reached out, which was surprising.

It's all good out to me, you know, because at that point I had just honestly given up thinking we would over meet and I was coming to peace with that because you could only grieve for.

So at least for my own experience, it was like I could only grieve for so long.

So, and by that point it had been March of 2021 through November of 2022, so year and a half.

And we met at a park by where I grew up because his dad so who would have been my grandpa, lived around there and he was there to help him in Hospice care.

And it was very, very strange.

I mean you could tell he was awkward.

I was awkward.

I'm glad I met him because it kind of brought down, because I don't know if anyone else has had this experience, but it brought down for the last year and a half.

At least in my head he had been like this imposing figure of like this man has hurt me, this man.

I'm a lot of not pleasant feelings towards him cuz I was creeping and sad and hurt and all the things.

And then when you meet him in person, at least in my experience.

Okay, this is just a guy.

Did he hurt me?

Am I still hurt?

But was he out to hurt me?

Was there this intent?

No.

It was awkward.

I'm glad it happened because I'm glad, you know, I can at least say it happened.

And since our meeting, you know, like that was in November and, you know, we said happy holidays to each other.

I actually around Hanukkah of 2022.

Did a video chat with my 2 little brothers.

So that was awesome.

Their mom is awesome.

So she's very open.

She was open to that.

And then what was interesting is in January 2023, his dad had passed and so I was like invited to like the Family Zoo Memorial and I was even listed in the obituary as a grandchild.

So to me that was a huge, big deal.

You know, obviously I'm sad that they lost their grandfather and I, you know, did.

My condolences and stuff.

But you were recognized as a part of the family?

And so it's pretty public now.

When we met in person, he did say that I wasn't a secret because that was one of my things is I'm like, I hate the fact that I'm a secret.

And so he did tell people.

He did say that, you know, when he met people and they asked about his family or his kids, He did say, well, you know, I raised four and then I found one when she was an adult or she found me.

And then I'm like, I want you to tell me.

Because in my head I just, I'm like, I want you to say that there is a really good chance I'm not donor conceived because everything is showing I'm not donor conceived.

And he's like, yeah, there's a very good chance you're not donor conceived.

So those two statements helped my healing journey a lot.

And so since then, you know, like we've messaged each other, you know, a funny, like here and there on Instagram.

He wished me happy birthday, stuff like that.

You know, so I'm at an OK spot with him.

Like, I know now that you know, he's not going to be my dad.

Would I have hoped that it would have turned out differently?

Yes, of course.

Am I so, so grateful that I'm not, like, expecting him to be, that I'm not suicidal any longer, that I'm stable also.

Also, what helped was I, like I said, I met my aunt, so his sister, you know, and it was just amazing to be and her husband, so my uncle.

They've been just amazing on this journey and they embrace like a list.

That's my son.

So while it has been this hard, hard, hard, painful, life changing journey, I am glad for some of the wonderful things that have come out of it, you know, And people will ask and I'm not sure if you've been asked this question like, hey, if you were to do it all over again, would you have taken the test?

And my answer is always, it depends on the day you ask me.

Like if you ask me on a bad mental health day, the answer is heck no.

If you ask one a day like today where I'm fairly OK, you know, and I'm fine, the answer is like, yeah, it's good to know.

And then like, the identity, I know that the first time you and I chatted, it was like the identity portion of it, too.

Yeah, how is that going?

Because you you identified as a Mexican woman Christian.

Now you find out you have Jewish ethnicity.

Have you explored what that means to you?

So, so for the first year, so 2021 we did a lot of we.

And that's the other part that's interesting is my son is 12 and they just turned 13.

So he's been on this journey with me.

So you know, we like I took you know, some.

You know, Judaism, 101 classes, and we did Hanukkah and stuff like that, which is actually not a big Jewish holiday, but it was a good way, you know.

And I even got to the point where like I asked a rabbi to make sure I wasn't like was appropriating.

And so everything I've done under that, the Jewish umbrella, I've done very cautiously because I don't plan on converting religious wives.

But I I do want Nicholas.

You know, my son, to know that part of his heritage.

Plus, to be honest, I did it as a way for me to kind of like, especially have to be getting like, OK, I want something good to come out of this shit show.

I'm sorry.

You're fine.

You can cuss.

You know, so like it was a way to be like, who the heck am I?

So not that anyone is actually asked, but for my own identity, I identify if someone goes, oh, what ethnicity are you?

I will say, well I'm half Mexican and.

Craft ethnically Jewish, but I'm not a part of the religion.

And then this past year, so holiday season 2022, we did Hanukkah.

So yes, we've embraced it, you know, a little bit in ways that are safe.

We also have a Mezuza on like our front door, like a blessing.

So like little things here and there, but nothing overwhelming and nothing that I consider appropriation, so.

You know, and and my aunt's been supportive of the aunt that I met through this, has been supportive of that as well.

So like for first Hanukkah, she sends us like a Hanukkah basket.

It's been awesome.

It's also been, you know, confusing and and wonderful and looking back like, I don't know if you had this experience as well.

But like looking back at my childhood, it's like it makes all sorts of sense.

Like my mom actually did one time when I was a teenager.

Tell my stepdad at the time.

That she had an affair with a Jewish man and that's where I came from and my stepdad told me the next morning.

But it was just my mom at that time was an alcoholic and an active addict.

So we all just kind of laughed it off because I look so much like my dad so and then like growing up, every now and then she would say something about being Jewish and.

I thought maybe she was talking about my dad's dad.

So it's just like you look back at your life and everything, then kind of puts together a little bit.

But yeah, And then with with the whole Jewish thing, like it is its own world unto itself.

So there's some people who consider me Jewish because literally I can show them a screenshot that says I'm half Jewish, but there's other people who don't because it's my biological dad and not my bio mom, so.

It honestly depends on who you ask, you know.

And then the other part of this whole story is I was a mom this whole time and my son kind of going through it.

And, you know, I've kind of just accentuated the positives to him.

But, you know, that's been an interesting ride as well.

Yeah, he's he's at an age where, you know, maybe he can kind of understand it.

So what does he think of this?

So at first it was hard because, you know, my bio dad wasn't looking to be a grandpa.

It was hard because you have to come to terms with, you know, the fact that this fan doesn't.

That part of your son's life and, you know, so like we were sitting in a kitchen with friends and my son's best friend said, you know, I got to spend time with Grandma Dennis and Grandpa that.

And my son goes, oh, well, I have Jim on CHIPA, but my mom's dad that she found on the Internet doesn't want me, you know, So stuff like that, like heartbreaking just stuff.

Now he's to the point where to him, it's just kind of been.

Something that happened so you know, he got to meet aunt and uncle in Michigan.

It was our first time on that side of the country and we had a great time.

So I've basically been doing my best to try to show him the good side of it.

It's also been hard.

So, you know, because I've had to tell him like, you know, I'm mom is going through a hard time emotionally.

So especially that first holiday season, you know, so I had to say like if I'm upset or if I'm crying or it's nothing you did, I'm just having a hard time.

So you know he kind of got a mental health 101, which I I've explained to him a couple different times that, you know, we don't I'm doing my best.

You know, make sure like we don't judge people.

We don't hate people.

But all the same time in my head telling myself, OK, now put that into practice because you do have angry moments where you're so mad and you're so hurt and you just are so done with all the things and.

But you also have to pair it and you also have to work.

And your whole life is upside down.

So it's a lot.

So it's just a lot at once.

It's a very hard grief process.

Yeah, so you talked about connecting with your siblings.

Do you have any relationship with them?

Do you consider them your siblings?

What is your relationship like now?

So I do consider them.

Like, if I'm talking, I'll say, you know, I have a sister, I have three brothers.

So my sister and I, we've met once in person and we've kept in touch, you know, over text and video chats.

The brother who's an adult, he told me through her that he didn't want anything.

He didn't want to be in touch.

And I'm huge on consent.

So, you know, I just let her know.

Well, please let him know.

He's welcome to reach out anytime, etcetera.

So I haven't actually even had a conversation with him.

And then the two little ones are actually, I mean, they're minors.

So I actually didn't know that they knew about me for a while because I felt weird asking because I'm a mom.

So, you know, like.

But it turns out they found out fairly early.

Like I said, we did a video chat in about a month, in about a month or so ago from when this is recording, and I chat with their mom.

We send each other because they're the same age as my son.

You know, we send each other like photos at the holidays and stuff.

You know, so the type of relationship I'd probably, you know, would have with a boy in, you know, city they're from, who's my son's age.

You know, it's kind of interesting.

But they do know I exist.

So and that's kind of all I wanted.

Like, I just, I just wanted because it was like the more people who at least in my head, it's like you're done being a secret.

Like apparently you were secret your whole life.

So I just got to a point where like, I'm done and I have been vocal about it.

In SO I'm a journalist.

I've covered the topic.

I've written my own stories.

And you've?

Been.

Lily's NPE Stories podcast.

If people want to hear that, do you know what episode you're on?

I do not, but I can.

I can e-mail it to you if you're interested.

Yeah, and I'll link it in the show notes.

So if anyone who's listening wants to hear where Shelley was when she began her journey or closer to it.

And then now, yeah.

It is interesting to see the progression because and and I and like if someone were to ask me like what would you tell someone who you know is now just looking at the results?

It's hard.

It's life changing.

But like I said, it'll be two years this year and I swear, just like any other hard experience in life, at least for me, there is hope and you do get to a place where it is at least.

Settled.

I don't know if the word healing is the word for it, but it's like, at least now for me now, it's something that happened to me and it's something that I will support.

So like, if there's nonprofits, I make sure to donate to him, like podcasts like yours.

I make sure to listen, you know, because the whole community within itself, I write stories to raise awareness, stuff like that.

But it's not my at least for me, it's not my I don't wake up thinking about it 24/7 like I did when it first happened.

You've integrated it into who?

You in charge?

Best word for it.

I've integrated into who I am.

So now I'm fairly confident telling people, you know, like, so for example I write for a local Jewish newspaper and I have no problem.

I don't feel like a poser.

You know.

I wrote for them before the DNA discovery, you know.

So there's just little things in life that like or for example, if you, you know, my son does Boy Scouts with the Catholic troops.

You know, we'll say stuff like, you know, well, we're Christian but we're ethnically Jewish.

I don't, I don't hide either part of myself and.

I'm grateful for that.

Like, I'm stable now.

But that stability also took, you know, a year and a half of getting on the right meds of going to therapy, of I actually changed jobs because my last job, while also balancing a DNA discovery, was too hard.

I went back to school because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.

So it takes your life and it sets it on fire.

But I swear there is another side at the end.

I promise.

What advice would you offer a parent who is hiding a DNA surprise from their child's?

Don't.

I would honestly tell them the minute you can.

I mean, honestly, if they're children, I'm sure there are plenty of resources out there.

They can help you explain it at an age appropriate level.

Obviously keeps.

I mean, for me, keep safety in mind first.

Like if you're hiding it because.

The biological father is unsafe to be in their life or it's a situation like that.

I think they do have a right to know.

But you know, keep safety in mind first.

But if you're hiding it in a situation like mine where it's because of an affair, chances are your children are going to find out anyways because they don't have to be.

I think people forget.

They don't have to be the one who takes the test.

My bio dad never took the test until he found out about me.

He he, I found him because his sister took the test and his daughter took the test, you know, so.

They either will take a test like this themselves eventually or they'll have a family member who does.

To me, I would have rather have known X amount of years ago because like I have an aunt who's wonderful and I could have known her 20 years earlier.

I had a childhood that was traumatic and very dramatic.

Maybe it could have been different, you know.

So I really do think that one, you know, I actually am a big proponent of.

When it comes to parents, like I'm a big proponent of sexual freedom and safe sexual choices and stuff.

So if your child is the product of an affair or you don't know who the dad is, sorry, just speaking mainly to moms.

But like if you don't know who the dad is because you made choices of, you know you've dated around or whatever the situation is, I personally don't think there's anything to be ashamed of like for myself.

And I told my bio dad that I'm not or no, I don't think I told him that directly, but.

I told a couple of people where it's like I'm not mad at my parents for either of my my parents that, you know, donated their genetics for conceiving me how they conceived me.

What I'm mad at is the fact my mom didn't tell me and I'm mad at how he initially reacted.

So, you know, that's where my anger went.

I don't judge them because I have enjoyed my life like I'm an adult, you know?

So I'm not.

So please don't let the judgment of yourself that you may have going on internally Rob your child of potentially knowing medical history of knowing people who want to get to know them of you know, especially if the dad doesn't know like like you're you think you may just be impacting yourself but you're impacting you know so many people.

And to me like I would rather have no decades ago because to find out as an adult especially like.

I mean, I looked out in the fact that my bio dad's still alive.

I looked out in the fact that my aunt's still alive.

But I know, at least from the different MPE stories I've heard, there's people who will find out, you know, in their 50s, sixties, 70s, and everyone's dead and there's no one to connect with, you know, and it's just this information they kind of have to sit with and heal through.

So I would tell my kids ASAP.

So that they maybe have a chance and you know, and then also offer resources like if you know, offer for them this be in therapy, offer to be transparent.

And if you say I'm sorry, actually, so to me an apology means action.

So if you say I'm sorry, actually mean it like you don't mean it.

Be sorry, Yeah.

Yeah, and don't be upset with them if they go on a Dina to stop the journey of their own, like.

You know, just because you're looking.

They say they're looking for the bio dad one Help them on that journey because they're probably going to find them anyway.

It's like I'm just saying my friend found my bio dad within like 2-3 minutes.

Like I remember looking at the clockwork.

Holy crap, they're going to find them anyways, so you might as well tell them the truth and then don't judge them when they go looking because they did nothing wrong I have found, at least in my experience.

That a lot of the Npes are the people who are blamed for everything.

So like, you know, we made the discovery.

So it's and I was in therapy saying like, I feel so bad for all of this because I've altered all these different people's lives by spitting in the tube.

But at the same time, it wasn't my fault.

But I'm still the face of it.

You know what I mean?

I'm still the person who did the thing and got the ball rolling.

So like, you know if.

For example, as a mom, if I didn't know my child's paternity, I would A find out very quickly You know you there's so many ways to do that, and B get them on a journey of whatever is their comfort level and help them however they want to be helped and realize that it's going to be a continuous discussion.

Like you can't drop that bomb on them on a Wednesday, expect them to forgive you Thursday, and then everything goes back to normal.

Nothing will likely go back to normal.

They may have a reaction of cool.

Thanks for telling me.

Or everything to, you know, well, I'm going to go find this person, so be prepared and go to counseling yourself.

Like there's obviously things you probably also have to work through as well, so.

But to me, while the truth is hard, I'd rather know, and I wish I would have known decades before.

Yeah, that's great.

Great advice.

And you touched on this a little bit earlier, but what advice do you have?

Or someone who just discovered that they're an NPE.

Well, first of all, Google, because there are so many great websites and so many greats resources out there.

So what helped me was giving myself grace and time because this isn't something you're going to be over in a weekend.

Go to Facebook groups, talk about your, their, you know your your story.

Listen to other people's stories to know you're not alone.

If you have the resources, seek out mental health resources and then you know do what is right for you.

If you don't necessarily want to go looking and you wanted to leave it alone, that's there's no wrong answer.

If you're like me and you're like, well screw it.

I'm just going to open the Pandora's box and everything comes on out.

That's not wrong either.

Also, please know that if a person, at least for me, but I you know.

If, say, your bio dad, your bio mom, your siblings, your aunts, your uncles, don't embrace you, It's not you, the person they're not embracing.

It's you, the concept.

And I had to tell myself that because when my bio dad, you know, said, you know, he didn't want the relationship that I was hoping for, I spent some time going okay.

Well, what is wrong with me?

Is it because I'm overweight?

Is it because I'm not pretty enough?

Is it because I'm not into sports?

They're very athletic family, you know, all these things.

That, like when I say that loud, sounds really stupid, but in your head you're just trying to be like, what's wrong with me?

And there's nothing wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you, the person.

It's just the person is most likely in a place where they're going to take some time to process it or they just can't fathom fitting that into their lives.

And you're allowed emotions.

You're allowed to be angry, even if it's angry at dead people.

You know you're allowed to have your life uprooted because it is uprooting, especially if you find out you're different ethnicity and give yourself grace.

So like, I have so many silly stories of things I tried because I found out I was a different ethnicity.

Like, so for example, I went through a whole couple of months where I thought my hair was naturally curly because my biodad and my sister and all these different family members have curly hair.

So I literally thought.

Thought that certain products would make my hair curly.

It turns out that's not the case.

But like, there's going to be moments that you just feel kind of silly and that's OK.

Like, and at the end of the day, it may be six months for you, it may be two years.

But I swear, just like with almost every tragedy, most likely you're going to come to a place where just like you said, you're going to integrate it into who you are.

And I literally remember praying about that day of being.

Like, I hope that one day this is just a part of who I am and not.

Something that defines me and and I'm there now, you know, so and it took two years and there are hard moments.

That first year is hard.

The first holiday season.

The 1st birthday.

The first, you know, anniversary of the discovery.

Like you know, like when someone dies like their death date is something you remember.

Like for me, that whole first year I was so grateful when like the clock hit and that first year of like holidays and birthdays and stuff were over.

Just because to me, it was just like a breath of fresh air.

Like, OK, I'm done with all the first with this situation, are there more firsts to come up?

Yeah, I still have family members haven't met.

I still feelings are going to be hurt a lot.

And because like for me, there were a couple of different things where it was like, you know you're invited to a wedding but you don't want to make it awkward for anyone.

So you decide to meet family members at a different time or, you know, so and so doesn't acknowledge you on social media or whatever the situation is.

It's emotionally, it's emotional and it's hard.

So I would like to say it's a bed of roses, but it's really not.

But there are people out there to help, especially like those different groups.

And you're not alone, which was helpful for me to know so.

That's really good advice, and I think my favorite thing that you said was about allowing yourself to be silly as you.

Figure it out.

So silly.

Well, like my son, and especially if you're a parent, please know that your kids, especially if they're a little bit older, are also on this journey with you, even if you don't think they are.

Because, like, I would have friends who would say it doesn't impact him that much.

I'm like, his identity is 1/4 different and his mom is having a mental health crisis.

So please don't tell me it doesn't impact him.

Like this whole experience.

Yeah, I mean, this whole experience was kind of my son's first experience with rejection.

You know, like he's until this moment he's lived pretty tailored, Normal life.

Like this is, you know, his first big, probably one of his big memories from childhood, and I want him to remember that.

Did his mom have moments where she lost her cool?

Did his mom also try so hard?

Also?

But kids especially, you know, like he made so many moments funny.

Like he still makes fun of me for thinking I have curly hair.

Like, it's a whole thing.

Like, we still have the comb I thought I was going to use.

And it's like, remember mom and we just laughed?

Or a couple weeks after the discovery, we're eating Chipotle, which obviously isn't even that quote UN quote Mexican.

And he goes, I just don't like Mexican food like I used to because I'm part Jewish now, you know, so.

Like, that's adorable, right?

So it's just like there's these things or like, you know, he got the point where because he did grieve the fact that, you know, our relationship wasn't going to look how we thought.

And he goes, well, he's probably disintended by me because I'm awesome and I'm just like, you know what, dude?

That's probably the case.

You know, the kids are going to be OK, you're going to be OK, but you're going to How?

My therapist said it's like you have to sit through the suck.

Yeah, which that's.

Not going to lie, it sucks.

Like, I hate it when people are like, oh, it's going to no, it's going to suck and and that's OK, but I'm not going to lie, it does suck.

But there are beautiful moments, like the first time I met my aunt.

To meet a woman who is probably literally the reason that you still believe in humanity in person was amazing.

I met my sister to look at someone and you can take a selfie and see how you have similar features.

After you spent your life and only child is amazing, It's just like good and bad all mixed together and it depends on the day.

Shelly, thank you so much for sharing your.

Story Thank you for having.

Me, I really appreciate it.

For listeners, we will link Shelly's original podcast episode with Lily from NPE Stories and some of the articles that she has written as well.

You can learn more about her journey and some of the things that she's written about the DNA discovery world, and I wish you the absolute best as you continue to define whatever this new relationship is and find peace in your journey.

Thank you so much.

Thanks again to Shelly for sharing her story.

If you have a DNA surprise story that you'd like to share, please e-mail dnasurprises@gmail.com