Alexis’ DNA Surprise

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Speaker 1

The TNA surprise Journey can be shocking, upsetting and isolating, but you're not alone and there is hope connection and Community are powerful tools as we process.

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Learn more at DNA surprise retreat.com It was like, oh, this is why this makes sense, don't get me wrong.

Black Culture is beautiful, and there are so much to love, but I feel like I was the only one in my family who was so drawn to these things from Ankara print to hip-hop culture, I sent more texts and I care to admit, to friends and family asking, if it would be cultural appropriation to start wearing head wraps and then I found out.

I was black, it's like I knew But I didn't know imagine spitting into a tube, sending off your DNA.

And unknowingly turning your life upside down for me and thousands of others.

This is our reality, I'm your host Alexis ourselves in July of 2021 I discovered that I am an NP e.

Someone who is experienced a non paternal event In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was this podcast shares.

The journeys of people who were shocked by a DNA Discovery.

Mostly through Modern DNA testing.

We're telling the stories of NP.

He's adoptees and donor conceived people, and their families.

This is DNA surprises.

Welcome to the season 1 finale of TNA surprises in this week's episode.

I am going to share my story in July of 2021.

I found out that I am an NP E.

I was completely blindsided by not only that Discovery but a massive shift in my racial identity.

I'm going to discuss what my Discovery was like and how I've processed what happened, I'll also talk about what has helped me heal so far.

Thank you for listening to my story.

My name is Alexis.

I'm 36 years old and I'm from Tucson, Arizona.

Where do I begin?

I think it's easier to help other people tell their stories but when I started this podcast I knew I wanted to share mine too.

So here I am I never suspected anything about my paternity.

I grew up raised by a mom and dad who had been married as long as I knew them.

I had two little sisters Amanda who's now 33 and Amy who is 22.

My sisters and I look very much related and my opinion and even though I'm usually the most tan of the three of us, it never raised any red flags.

My dad is fairly dark skinned Mexican and my mom is white growing up biracial, presents, its own challenges.

I was always questioned about my ethnicity.

I was compared to Mariah Carey, who just happens to be my childhood Idol.

I had long golden, Spirals and skin that darkened.

And the Arizona Sun.

Still, I had no suspicions as recently as 2020.

I recorded a podcast with my friend, Jessica about her mixed-race experiences.

And in that episode, I told my origin story, here's a clip.

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So my parents, the romance was pretty short.

My mom got pregnant a few months in but they spoke each other's language.

They spoke each other's language.

That's good.

Yeah.

And You know, it's funny because I don't, I don't even know if my mom

like identifies as

a feminist but her whole thing.

Like, so she gets pregnant after a few months of dating, maybe four months less than six months.

Okay, my mom got pregnant.

My dad offered to marry her.

Of course, she's doing the noble thing for a, my mom was like, I don't even know man, and this was in the 80s.

This was in the 80s and like her boss.

I told her to get an abortion because hello 80s.

And she was like nope not doing that.

And also said I'm not marrying you and you know they still continued to date so they didn't just like break up completely.

But you know, they got to know each other and stuff like while she was pregnant.

And when I was nine months old, they got married.

That's so nice.

It is nice because I think you know, they chose each other like you really feel Like they chose each other staying together for the kids, kind of a thing.

So yeah.

And what's funny is, I actually didn't know any of this, like my origin story

until I was older.

I was in

like 5th grade 4th or 5th grade, that's when I found out that my parents weren't married.

When I was born

and my

mom kind of told me in a very nonchalant, sort of way.

Like it

wasn't.

I told everyone.

My dad was Mexican and my mom was white and this is just how I turned out.

I point to my Ders.

We each looked kind of different but related, you never know what you're going to get with mixed-race children.

I thought and that same podcast episode.

I joked about how often people mistook me as something else.

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I'm

definitely ambiguous.

I've got so growing up.

It was a lot of black mixed black.

Hmm.

And I mean,

really actually just as recently as last fall, I was hanging out with one of my friends who does have, he has a black father in a white mother and he made some sort of joke, oh, without Botox because one of our other friend she gets Botox and

and And he was saying

like oh you guys don't need that, you guys don't need that and I was like, well I don't get BOTOX and then he like, elbows me.

And he goes yeah, black don't crack, right?

Oh and I was like, I've never thought you were.

He thought I was.

You were mixed.

You were biracial yakking away.

Uh-huh.

And so it's funny that you know, a lot of people have presumed that about me.

I mean if I say you have a Mariah Carey look well that just make your day?

What I've heard my whole life kind of do.

You do have a Mariah Carey?

My whole life.

I've been told I look like Mariah Carey.

I like her so much.

No, that's not.

I actually liked her first and then from a young age, people are like, you look like her and then, of course, I ate it up, of course.

But yeah, I mean, while I was getting Connie Chung

I never really felt like I belonged to my Mexican side though and I really struggled with that.

In the same episode I spoke about not feeling Mexican and not feeling white.

It's a feeling that I felt my entire life but as an adult I wanted to fit in.

I started taking Duolingo lessons.

I followed social media accounts that spoke to the Latin experience and I wanted to learn more about where I came from.

At the time of my paternal grandmother's death.

She was learning about the indigenous tribes.

My family descended from I was curious to, I put An ancestry DNA kit on my Amazon, wishlist, and after a few years of sitting there, I took advantage of a, primed, a deal and bought one last year about six weeks later, I learned the truth.

I remember it.

So clearly it was Thursday, July 22nd 2021, I work from home and I had just taken a promotion at work.

I was getting ready to join a meeting when a notification popped up on my phone, telling me that my ancestry DNA results were ready.

I wasn't worried at all, when I tell you, I was blindsided by my results.

I mean, it, I think at one point after submitting, my test, I had the fleeting thought of, wouldn't it be so wild?

If my dad isn't my dad, but I have a tendency to have an active imagination and quickly, dismissed the idea.

But, who knows maybe on some deep deep level.

I knew the first thing I saw when I opened, my results was my ethnicity breakdown, which was my first punch to the gut I scanned the results.

And then I scanned again, and again, and again.

I wasn't Mexican at all.

I was black.

The result said, I descended from early Carolina's African-Americans, but how how I switched over to my DNA matches and I felt a huge lump in my throat.

I actually had a parent-child match but I had no idea who the man.

I was staring at, was his account only showed a username.

So I didn't have a first and last name to go by I had other matches, I didn't recognize a half-brother cousins, I immediately assumed was a mistake except for one match, my mother's estranged brother came up as close family.

I even went so far as to wonder if it was possible for there to be a partial mistake.

I think I knew deep down, but I was so startled that I was grasping for answers.

The very first person I called, was my sister Amanda, I told her what I saw and she was speechless.

She told me to call her mom, so, I did.

And when I told my mom, what I found, I could tell right away that something wasn't right.

She kept saying this is so shocking but her tone didn't match.

I kept asking if it was possible, I asked her who this person was.

She didn't remember the name.

She asked me what test I took and I told her, I asked her again.

If it could be a mistake.

She told me that from what she'd seen on Maury Povich, those tests were pretty accurate.

I couldn't tell if she was joking and my meeting was about to start.

So I told her, I'd see if it could be wrong.

And check in again later, my husband, Josh was out of town at the time on a fishing trip with his father.

So I called and then texted him with no reply, I always joke that something goes wrong when he goes out of town, but this was unbelievable.

I don't remember that work meeting.

I don't really remember most of the day.

I left my body.

I remember Googling and Googling and Googling over and over to see if there was any chance there was an error.

I remember finally connecting with my husband and telling him what I'd found, I remember telling him not to come home that I would be okay and that he should enjoy his

trip.

I remember choking back sobs on the phone with my best friend as I told her.

What I discovered I don't remember making my kids dinner or tucking them into bed.

I texted my dad asking to talk to him.

He didn't reply until he was on his way to work which was strange.

My mom texted me to let me know that she'd spoken with him and that they'd both been seeing other people when they started dating.

So it was possible, she said my dad still loved me and that I was still his daughter.

I felt like their response was so nonchalant compared to the gravity of what was happening.

And that was so confusing to me.

I told them I ordered a paternity test but at that point I think I knew I vaguely.

Remember my sister is coming over that night.

I remember asking them over and over, is this real?

Is this really happening my baby?

Sister?

Amy was pragmatic and told me it was real.

Amanda.

I think she wanted to believe with me.

I kept repeating.

This Mantra is this really happening.

I also kept wondering how this happened.

I kept imagining how my dad was feeling.

I kept thinking about how he felt when he learned that his only grandchildren were not biologically related.

I started trying to figure out who my biological father was without contacting him on Ancestry.

I'm a really great internet researcher, so this challenge was made for me.

Me.

I looked at his family tree and tried to figure out who he was based on last names and such.

I narrowed it down to a few people that evening, but I wasn't sure.

My mom texted me and asked how I was doing.

I texted back, not good.

She said she wasn't doing good either and apologized for all of this.

I don't remember falling asleep or if I got any sleep at all.

The next day was also a blur.

I've since learned that what I was experiencing was dissociation, I don't remember much of anything in the days that followed My Discovery.

I know I talked to my closest friends, my husband and I were in constant contact.

I remember that it rained heavily that weekend. and I also remember the conversation I had with my parents, they came over the next afternoon, I hadn't heard much from them since I told them the news which was even more upsetting because they live about five minutes from me.

They sat across from me on my giant sectional couch and I will never forget when my dad said next.

He looked at me and he said, I met you and your mom at the same time when you were 2 months old, I listened and cried.

While he told me the truth as I know it now.

In 1984, my mom was in the Air Force and she was stationed in Spain.

During that time she dated a man who was abusive to her.

I'm not going to share a lot of that here because it's not my story to tell and I'm still very protective of my mom but she eventually left him and went on to navigate pregnancy alone.

When she met my dad, I was already born but he fell in love with me.

They actually said he fell in love with me before he fell in love with my mom and he decided that he wanted to raise me as his own so he did They believed they were protecting me from this man, an abuser who did not want me, but this man was Puerto Rican.

And I wasn't Puerto Rican.

I was African American.

I don't know for sure what happened.

If it was an on-again-off-again relationship or what, but the abusive ex-boyfriend is not my biological father and I hadn't found out who he was yet.

I will never forget the pain on my dad's face as he explained to me that they'd messed up.

They protected me from the wrong person.

He didn't know.

He said they wanted to tell me so many times, but it got harder.

My mom didn't say much, she sat there crying the entire time.

I asked them how they could watch me struggle with my racial identity and not fitting in with Mexican culture.

They just kept saying, we thought you were Puerto Rican, which is hilarious, to me, comedic relief in the worst moment of my life.

I asked my dad how he could answer questions about his medical history when it didn't apply to me, he said he knew it wouldn't help.

But he answered anyway. and then I asked them who knew when they told me that several of my extended family members new My grandmother's, my aunt, my uncle's some cousins all-new.

I broke down.

My mom asked me not to be mad at those people.

They'd asked them to keep the secret.

After several minutes of sitting in silence, I asked them to leave.

I needed to be alone.

In some ways, I was happy that my dad knew the whole time.

One of my biggest concerns was how he would feel as I mentioned before, I had spent the entire night before devastated.

This Revelation took away his grandchildren.

But sparing him from this also made me feel like I was shouldering the burden alone.

It also meant that both of my parents had knowingly misled and betrayed me.

I returned that paternity test, by the way.

I got back to researching that weekend.

I finally stumbled upon an answer obituary and saw the list of her brothers There were 11 children for surviving Brothers.

I searched each name in Facebook until I found him.

My bio dad Cliff his page laid out the breadcrumbs perfectly, he was retired, Air Force, he documented the time he lived in Spain, this was him.

I clicked around and made some guesses about who everyone else was a sister.

Maybe a brother or two aunts and uncles, I told my best friend that I found him, and she gave me Sage advice, not to reach out to anyone until I was okay with rejection.

So, I

waited

the rest of that weekend.

My mind, replayed, the previous three days events over and over.

I cried a lot.

When my husband came home, we decided to tell our kids who'd spent the past few days.

Very worried about me.

I explained that I took a DNA test and learned that their grandma and Tata didn't make me the same way that their daddy and I did my father was another man.

I just learned about that while learning.

This was very hard for me.

I was going to be okay.

I had to tell my boss on Monday, I took a week off of work so that I could get my mind right.

As I laid on the couch, watching some mindless TV.

I saw a Facebook message, come in.

Hey there.

I was on my brother's ancestry account the other day, I think we might be related.

I'm interested in getting to know you but I totally get it.

If you don't want to be bothered, take care and I hope to hear from you.

I was speechless.

It was Elena my sister.

I replied right away and gave her my phone number and then she called me what followed was a 45-minute conversation.

I don't really remember most of it except that I explained how I learned the truth.

And that I had no idea before this and that everything was a shock.

She told me that our brother got the notification first, then showed her and their mom.

I learned that they were both interested in learning more but our brother cautioned, her against contacting me.

What if I didn't know, I was black.

What if I didn't want to be black, to be honest.

I never even considered this.

That was the first time that I realized that my lived experience as an ambiguous.

Mixed raced woman was vastly different from my biological families.

Thankfully, my own impatience to learn.

The truth is a trait I share with my sister and she reached out first.

She told me she'd let her father know that he needed to check his ancestry page and we hung up.

It took a few more days before I heard from my biological father.

He sent me a really kind message on Ancestry and left his phone number, I called him immediately I wish I could say, I remember our conversation, but it was too surreal.

Like I said, I spent much of that first month dissociating.

I do remember that he was kind and understanding that he was curious about me that he too was shocked.

We spent the next few months learning about each other.

I learned about our similarities and differences about my other siblings.

I have an older sister from a previous relationship and a sister and two brothers from a marriage she had after me.

I learned about his upbringing in North Carolina as one of nearly one dozen children.

I decided I felt ready to meet him.

So I booked a ticket to Montgomery, Alabama, for November.

My husband, who was my rock and support system throughout.

This came with me, it was an amazing trip.

I met my brother or one of them, my sister and her fiance and my father and his wife.

We went out to dinner that first night and while it was a little awkward it mostly felt okay and kind of familiar the next day my sister and father took us to the Legacy Museum and incredible space dedicated to the African American Experience from enslavement to incarceration.

We ate more great food throughout the trip.

We visited my father's house.

We spent time.

The weight of that trip.

Didn't hit me until we left and the tears poured.

I can't really explain how it feels to me.

One half of yourself that missing piece.

You never knew existed for so long.

My sister had invited me back for her wedding and I accepted.

So I knew I'd be back a month later.

I'm grateful.

I had another trip planned so that things didn't feel open ended.

When I went back to Montgomery for the wedding, I went back alone.

My husband came down with something and wasn't able to join me in a way it worked out.

I had the chance to spend time with my family alone for the first time ever.

It was a beautiful wedding and I felt so included, my sister invited me out with her bridesmaids, who were some of the nicest people I've ever met.

It's strange how comfortable it feels in some ways.

I want to be clear though, every family has its own Dynamics, complicated histories and I think based on my own experience and the experience of other npes I've spoken to sometimes we think the grass might be greener with the unknown and without going too much into it, every family has its tough no family is perfect.

Back at home, that was extremely apparent to me.

The holidays were hard.

I felt estranged from my parents, especially my mother.

My birthday in September was, especially painful.

I remember sobbing, after everyone left, I clung to my relationship with my sisters.

My sister Amanda, and I spent hours on the phone with each other.

Each week, recapping our therapy sessions and talking through.

Everything that was happening in our lives.

I'm honestly not sure what the last nine months would have looked like, if not for her.

I tried having heartfelt conversations with my parents, where I explained how I felt how I wanted to move forward, but it just seemed like a little progress was made.

I don't know if it was their own shame or guilt that kept them from reaching out to me, but it has been extremely extremely painful for me.

I think I'm still grieving that loss.

Eventually they started making appearances at my kids sports games and practices.

I feel like that was the bridge that begin.

The very slow repair of our relationship and I'd say that things are still going pretty slowly.

That leads us to March when I'm recording this episode.

My biological father and sister came to visit us here in Tucson.

I'd be lying.

If I said I wasn't extremely anxious about this trip.

Would my bio dad meet my parents did?

I want them to I decided to extend the invitation to my parents.

Mostly expecting them.

Not to take me up on it.

It was great spending a few days with my newfound family taking them to eat.

Mexican food showing them the sights.

The best part though was seeing them with my children, my son is 8 and my daughter is 4.

And they've both witnessed me go through it during this journey, my father and sister got to see what incredible funny smart kids.

They are.

I'm so proud and thrilled that this happened.

I even got to spend a night on the town with three of my sisters. as for my parents, all three of them, they did meet and on my father and sisters last night in town, we all got together at our house and had dinner and conversation.

I'm not going to lie to you and say it was all Kumbaya, okay?

It was a little awkward.

There was lots of small talk, most of our attention centered on the kids who were all too happy to accept it, but it was okay.

And I know it took a lot for my parents to show up, I so respect them for it.

My daughter asked me, if we could take a family photo.

So we all piled in my husband, my children, my brother-in-law, my sister's all three of them, my mother-in-law my dad, my mom and my biological father.

If you'd asked me even a month ago, if that would happen, I would have told you with 100% certainty that it would not, but I've learned through this journey that things can change really fast.

And in this case, I'm glad they did.

So that's where things are today.

I feel like I've learned more about myself in the last nine months than in my previous 36 years on Earth.

I've been able to draw connections between so many life events.

My favorite example, and one that still gives me chills is that shortly after my husband and I got married, we moved to North Carolina, his mom lived there at the time and we really wanted to try something new but to me, it felt like home in a way I've since learned that my bio dad grew up about an hour and a half from where we lived.

My ancestors have been in the region for hundreds of years.

I now know why I've been drawn to so many cultural touch points.

Why people questioned my ethnicity for years?

Why I never felt like I fit.

I finally have answers.

It's strange to realize that I have no full siblings, but I don't feel like my connection to my sister's is any different at all.

And I still struggle with missing out on that connection to family and cultural exposure for so many years, with the fact that my parents kept such a big secret from me.

The juxtaposition of feeling so close to them while they were keeping something from me is really hard to deal with.

A lot of my processing work also revealed things about me and my family Dynamic.

But I want to change.

I'm exploring new boundaries, and Paths, of communication, and ridding myself of old habits.

I think that this can sometimes create friction in my raised, family unit, I am still exploring my identity.

There is so much of the Mexican culture that I love and feel close to especially living in Arizona.

But I really want to explore.

What it means to me to be black or mixed race.

There isn't a very large community here, so that's been tricky to navigate.

In the immediate days following my Discovery I had a hard time.

Even looking at myself in the mirror, this is not what a half.

Mexican half, white woman looks like I am not Mexican.

I am black.

The mental block around that has been really hard to undo, and sometimes I feel angry about that loss.

I spent 36 years denying my blackness, how do I turn around and own?

It it's also strange to get to know a biological parent.

This late in life, I'm still figuring out what to call my bio dad.

I've tried dad said, father.

I call him by his name.

Nothing feels really comfortable yet.

I'm still figuring it out.

I have fun finding similarities, but there are also some pretty big differences.

My father is a born-again Christian and it is a massive part of his life.

I'm agnostic at best but I lean towards atheism.

He's from the south and I have more West Coast sensibilities.

None of that has stopped us from getting to know each other, but sometimes I feel like I hide a little bit more of myself.

It's just weird.

There have been a few things that have really helped me throughout this journey.

The first is definitely therapy in the immediate aftermath, and I'm talking days.

I reached out to a therapist friend and asked for recommendations for grief and Trauma therapists.

My therapist had never dealt with an N PE or DNA surprise before, but she has been instrumental in my healing Journey.

She's used both DBT and EMDR to help me process.

And I don't believe I'd be where I am now.

If not for her.

The second is my friends and family, my husband has been the most incredible supportive partner throughout this experience.

My sisters are there for me whenever I need them.

My friends have listened to me cry on the phone and send frantic text a support system.

Has been critical for me.

The third has been npe support groups, Facebook has many the first day of my Discovery.

I found one and wrote a dissertation.

I found the most comforting and welcoming group of people there.

The fourth has been this podcast.

I started it to help spread awareness and support people like me and selfishly, it's given me the chance to have amazing conversations with people from all over the world.

While our Back stories are all different.

We have so much in common and no one understands this like we do.

I'm so grateful to all those, I've had the chance to connect with I ask everyone to questions at the end of every episode so I guess I should do the same here.

What advice would I give to a parent?

Who is hiding a DNA surprise from their child?

Tell them the truth.

Personally, I wish my parents had told me when I was around eight, and while that truth wasn't the truth.

Remember that the person they believed was my father is not.

This whole thing, wouldn't have been.

So traumatizing, I could have started my search earlier if I wanted to and my trust wouldn't have been broken, please.

Please tell your children.

The truth, we have the right to know where we come from.

And what advice would I give to someone who just discovered that they are in NP e first.

I'm sorry that this happened to you, but you are not alone, seek therapy.

Immediately specifically with someone who is trauma-informed, because what happened to you is a trauma, find support wherever you can take time off of work.

If you can allow yourself to grieve, Tell people, if you want to one of the things, I had a really hard time with is feeling guilty for outing, my parents, especially my mom.

But this is normal, these things happen.

And the more we talk about it, the more we normalize it and it's your story, you have the right to tell

it.

But that we've come to the end of season, one of DNA surprises.

Thank you to Evette carry crystal Diana.

Wendy summer, Michael Whitney, Kristen Lisa, Jessica and Rose for sharing your stories.

You had no idea what this podcast was going to be when we first spoke.

But you trusted me with something deeply personal Channel and to help you tell your story.

Thank you so much, and many thanks to everyone who has listened to the show or left a review or taken the time to send me a message.

It's been incredible to see the response.

We're going to take a short break, but we'll be back in May with more stories.

And, as always, if you have a DNA surprised that you'd like to share in a future season of the podcast, please email DNA surprises at gmail.com until next time.