Ruby’s DNA Surprise

This transcript was generated automatically. Its accuracy may vary.

Intro

We all have different ways to walk this journey.

And I think if you're like for me, I've heard a lot of the stories and I really, they've been really, really helpful for me.

But one of the things is what's been said a lot in the NP community is like, you have the right to tell your story, which I agree with, but it would I also feel like is someone who's kept it a secret for I think it's, I think I kept it a secret for just over four years before I finally told all my siblings.

And that was after my dad passed away.

But although I agree with with parts of that, for me, I also feel like if you do your journey a little bit differently, that it's OK.

Because I always felt like, yes, it's important to to protect yourself and in your story as sacred.

But at the same time, I also, I feel like different truths can exist at the same time.

It's not only an individual healing, but it's also the way you tell your story.

It also can be either harmful or healing for the collective.

And that includes not only the NPE community, but for me, my family, the way it comes out is really important to me.

And so that's why I've kept it to myself for so long, because at the time when I found out, my dad was already elder.

And I just, I just knowing that the heartbreak that it caused me, I just couldn't, I just couldn't hurt my dad.

Speaker 2

Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA discoveries.

I'm your host, Alexis Oursalt.

In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal event.

In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he was.

Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees, and donor conceived people and their families.

Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.

This is DNA surprises.

It's your story, you have the right to tell it.

This is something we hear a lot in the DNA surprise community.

I say it a lot myself.

In this week's episode, Ruby shares a unique perspective on this philosophy.

Ruby took her DNA test expecting to learn more about her Mexican heritage and instead uncovered 1/2 sibling.

She goes on to learn that her biological father is different from the man who raised her.

Ruby reflects on her childhood suspicions, her complex relationships with her parents, and navigating the new found truth.

She discusses the impact on her mental health and how she plans to incorporate her experience into her work as an artist.

Thank you for sharing your story, Ruby.

Speaker 1

My name is Ruby.

Ruby’s Story

I'm 53 years old and I'm originally from Salt Lake City, but currently I have been living in Sacramento for the past 10 or 11 years.

Shortly after I moved to to California, I went to get my teaching credential.

I'm a professional artist.

A lot of the people in my cohort more interested in their DNA and what mixes they had on all of that.

And so I decided, oh, I'm a little bit curious too.

Let me see.

Because I, I mean, I know why I'm Mexican.

I know you know where my family originates.

I got a lot of the stories from my dad's side of just through oral storytelling from what I knew, I was Tewa Pueblo Apache and Spanish.

I thought, well, I'd like to kind of see, you know, exactly what that breakdown is.

And so I, I took the DNA test and got it back.

I have a cousin who also does a lot of our genealogy on my dad's side of the family.

I was thinking that when I got my results, I had much, it's almost half and half Spanish, Spanish and half native, but then like a small percentage of different other areas, like mainly African countries.

And so I thought that was interesting.

But then I was looking for my cousin because I know that she knew that she was on one of the DNA websites, but I didn't know which one and I couldn't find her.

And so I was looking for other relatives and I saw a name.

It's a common name on my dad's side of the family.

And I thought, oh, yeah, there's a cousin.

But I thought it was, you know, from my dad's side.

I thought it was like one of my third cousins, but then I saw some of my mom's relatives and then a bunch of people I didn't know.

But I know that like on my mom's side of the family, I don't know all of her side of the family.

So I figured, oh, it's probably, they're probably distant relatives that I don't really.

I had I don't know yet.

You were not.

You were not surprised by any of your results.

It all made sense to me.

I wasn't surprised.

Almost a year later when I started teaching, I got a message.

A relative popped up and said, do you know how we're related?

It says we're, we're highly related.

So I looked at it and it said, you know how to break down.

She's either a grandma, a niece or a half sibling.

And I thought, well, she was in my generation.

She was kind of my same age.

I'm like, well, of course she's not a niece and she can't be a, you know, so there's no way my brother would have somebody that old.

So she can't be my brothers.

So.

And I remember thinking, well, I know my dad used to have all kinds of affairs on my mom when we were little.

So I thought, oh, it's probably one of my dad's probably a, a daughter of my dad and she doesn't know it.

And so I called up my mom and I called up my dad and I said that there would I got a match was from someone that could be my half sister.

Do you know, like, did dad get anyone pregnant?

And she's like, well, there was someone who got pregnant by your dad, but he she had a miscarriage.

My dad didn't couldn't figure out how either.

How did you feel when you thought that maybe your father had had another child outside of the relationship?

I wasn't really surprised because there were a lot of affairs and, and actually it was a little bit like kind of excited.

Maybe we have another sibling out there.

And so I called my sister up and I was telling her all about it.

And then while I was talking to her, I got another message and the sibling said, well, I talked to my dad and my dad said he was in Utah from 69 to 71 and I was born in 71.

So my heart just sank.

And I told my sister, Oh my God.

Oh my God.

And and I told her what she said.

And she's like, well, maybe there's a a glitch, maybe it's a mistake.

And I was thinking, yeah, I think, I think maybe you're right.

Maybe I but let me call you back.

I'm going to call mom and see what because I think it's probably a mistake.

And so I called my mom.

I said, well, this person said that her dad was in Utah from 69 to 71.

Are you sure?

Like you didn't you?

I don't you didn't have an affair with on dad or Are you sure?

And she said, Oh no, no, you know, he was always stepping out on me.

I was always home pregnant and because my mom had six kids back-to-back and I'm like, but why did she say that?

Mom, Are you sure?

Please just tell me.

Finally, she's just like, well, there was this one time, you know how your dad's always cheating on me?

We separated and I met this guy from Mexico and my mom wanted me to marry him.

And he was really smart.

That's probably why you're so smart.

And he was a really nice guy.

And but then I ended up just getting back with your dad and she's like, I'd always just get pregnant right away.

So I just figured you were your dad's.

And so I just like fell apart.

I didn't really want to tell say anything to anyone because I was really, I had a lot of things that I worked through with my dad because as I was growing up, I always used to ask if I was adopted, like why am I treated so differently?

Am I adopted?

And my mom would say, of course not, you're not adopted, don't be silly.

But then at the same time, my mom would always tease me and say, your dad's actually from Mexico and and then I would start crying and then everybody would tease me.

And then she like, no, just kidding, just kidding.

Your mom did hint at it or did think that maybe it was a possibility.

You did.

And then she used to when I was a child, that my grandma, her mom, I used to hold me and say, oh, Borosita mejita, like my poor little, my poor little dog, my poor little baby, my porks.

She'd say that I didn't really think about it.

But then when I found out I had this different biological dad, it kind of clicked like, oh, my grandma knew.

My grandma must have known that she got pregnant by this other guy.

You said that growing up, you speculated that you were adopted.

What?

What was it like growing up and was it something that was always at the forefront of your mind or is it something that really came back once you got these test results?

It was always in the forefront of my mind until I started healing my relationship with my dad, which was when I was an adult because my dad left, he left us when we were just children.

And, and because, I mean, it was very, there was, it was very tumultuous relationship with between my mom and dad.

The Impact of the PTSD on the Family

I know there's a lot of intergenerational trauma and then there was a lot of intergenerational poverty.

So that comes a lot of, with that comes a lot of chaos, a lot of a lot of things that like unhealed people like my dad and my mom, they just, they weren't, they didn't have the luxury of therapy.

And he wasn't a very affectionate person in general.

You know, he could barely say I love you or hug you.

But because I was so close in age with my younger sister, he really favored her a lot.

And he wasn't, he didn't favor my other siblings either.

He favored my younger sister.

But I was like in a year and a half older than my younger younger sister.

We were the babies, but he always favored her.

So I always thought that he just didn't love me and I wasn't.

Maybe I just wasn't his daughter.

Yeah.

So you got your results and you did not.

I was going to ask, did you tell your dad after you talked to your mom?

No, I didn't.

And he actually recently passed away in February.

And that's why I actually, I wanted to tell my story because I kept it a secret for a long time to protect him and protect my mom too, but mainly to protect my dad and also kind of to protect myself as well.

Because I just after doing all that questioning whether he was my actual, actual biological dad, I was, I was a little bit afraid that he would not accept me as his daughter because I always felt that way, you know, but I don't feel like he, he would have done that.

When I told my mom and she admitted it, she also at the same time said, you know, don't tell, don't tell anybody.

People are going to think I'm a whore.

And, and I know my mom had told that the story, the story all our lives that well, at least we're all from the same man.

And because my grandma had children from different men, because she had different marriages and my mom took pride in having us all from the same man.

But I think that's probably why she kept this a secret.

And also she's from a very different generation.

She's 84 now, so you know, she's from a very different generation.

I don't feel angry about her for keeping that secret.

And in fact, I think if she would have told me sooner, it would have been way too much for me.

And so I think timing the way it's happened for me, I feel like it happened for a reason, so.

You talk to your mom, you get this clarification from her, and you finally get the truth and she asks you to not tell anyone.

Telling Others

Do you tell anyone be aside from your mother?

Because I know you didn't tell your father.

Did you tell your sister?

Anyone else?

No, my sister knew because she was finding out with me and so she decided to keep her too.

I did tell my best friends.

Of course I had to like share it with my friends.

And then because I live in California and a lot of people don't know my family, I felt OK sharing it every now and then when it came up with people.

But when I was in Utah, I didn't share it with anyone except for people that were closest to me.

And then about a year or two later, two of my newer sisters, one moved to Washington.

I'm at at the time my brother lived in Washington state and they wanted me to go down there and hang out with them.

And I said, well, I can't really go there and not say hi to my brother.

And I can't lie to him.

So I'm just going to tell him.

He just like said, how are you keeping it together?

I could tell he was upset, but he doesn't, he doesn't really show it, but I could tell he was and he was wondering how I was.

And he's like, well, do I say when he when we were talking about our dad and he's like, do I say our dad or do I say my dad?

And I'm like, no, you say our dad.

He's still my dad.

That's awesome that that he was supportive.

I wanted to ask you, once you got clarification from your sister and you mentioned you have two sisters now on on your biological father's side, did you go back to her and say I got the truth from my mom?

The Truth About My Father

Like what happened next on that side?

After she's just started telling me stuff about him.

Apparently he also was somebody that had affairs too on his their mom and there were two other brothers that outside their mom as well.

And so for her, it wasn't really that big of a surprise.

So I asked her, what do we do now?

What made me want to meet her was that she left everything up to me and she was very sensitive about it.

She's like, well, it's really up to you if you want to meet or not.

I, I'm really guess we'll do whatever you want to do.

So I told her, OK, well let's, let's meet.

I would like to know more and I pretty much, I think I expressed to her that I didn't really want to meet her dad because at the time I felt loyal to my dad and which I still kind of do.

We just started spending more time together and she started telling me stories and about him.

And I remember going to coffee with her at one point and I put honey in my coffee and she asked me, does anybody else in your family put honey or your siblings or anybody put honey in their coffee?

And I thought about him like, no, I think just me.

And she's like, because my dad is the only one that does that.

Or she would say our dad.

And then she's like, is there anybody else in your family or any of your siblings artists other than you?

And I'm like no because my other sister likes our like we all are into art and our dad really loves art.

How did it feel to get some of that confirmation of maybe these traits that you were born with and not something that you learned or developed on your?

Own it all started to make sense also the other thing was is that I nobody in their family was it had any addiction problems.

I have two siblings that died from heroin and you know, my other sisters now clean and sober from, from heroin and I have another sister that's still struggling.

But then finding out that my biological dad's side of the family, there was nothing like that.

I remember asking one of my new newer sisters, does he even want to meet me?

Like does he?

You don't even, you don't mention whether he wants to meet me or not.

Like, does he even care?

I mean, because you don't say anything about it.

And she said, well, we were just waiting for you to be comfortable because I he, he really does.

But we all, we told him to not reach out to you until you were ready.

So I ended up meeting him first on Zoom and then I met him in person.

And then since then I've met him.

But he lives in Mexico too.

He's very, very different from the father I grew up around in the sense that he's very nurturing.

Like he wanted to hug me, he wanted to talk with me, but there's a there is a language barrier because my father's generation, they punished for speaking Spanish.

So he insisted to my mom that he spoke to us.

They speak to us only in English.

But with my biological dad, I can speak some Spanish but I'm not 100% fluid.

So it was very difficult to ask him questions.

But I know one time he tried to call me, but we could barely have a conversation.

But one of the things that I did find out is that he grew up really poor and that he pulled himself out of it and that he ended up with his own business.

And they like they had their own house and they had they even had cleaners.

I probably, I used to go help my mom clean people's houses.

I probably would have been there made, you know, when I was in high school.

And every time he would get jobs when he was young, they would want to get make him a manager.

Well, the same thing was with me.

I pulled my, I, I pulled myself out of a lot of things too.

And I when I was in high school, they always wanted to make me manager.

He used to ride his bike everywhere.

He loved right?

And he was very active and he liked to explore and see things.

And, and I used to, I've, I'm a cyclist and I used to ride my bike exclusively for, for 10 years.

I rode my bike exclusively everywhere.

And none of my family is that I grew up around is anything like this.

I'm the only one with a passport in my family, my family that I grow up around.

I'm the only one that travels.

And then I, you know, I was always just growing up because I did all these things outside the norm from my family.

I was always told, well, you're just different.

You're just not like us.

You're just different, you know?

Yeah, it's, it's amazing how DNA works and these things that we kind of wonder where did this come from?

Did come from somewhere.

So you're navigating all of this while also keeping it a secret.

Navigating the unknown

How did it feel to be learning all of these new things about yourself and connecting with your family?

Wow, not disclosing to your father and some of your other family members.

That's a good question.

I felt, I really felt like I was living 2 lives, like two.

I was living in two different worlds and I really wanted them to come together because my family that I grew up with.

I'm super close with, but couldn't be, couldn't have lived in such a different experience than the family that I just discovered.

I eventually did introduce my sister with my one of my new sisters.

And it's just, I don't know, it's just there's just not any sort of bridge.

It's just feels like two different worlds that I'm navigating, you know, that can never come together.

In some ways I kind of feel like, well, that's kind of the life I've lived my whole life anyways.

How have you been navigating this?

You know, balancing the secrecy, but also just the the mental health toll that adna surprise can take on someone.

I did.

Seek out therapy.

When I found out again, because I hadn't had therapy for a while, because I had worked out a lot of things through my 20s and all I had to really navigate was my own were my own issues.

And so for me it was yeah, it was super hard.

And I still feel like sometimes alone on this journey because I don't feel like anybody will really understand what this is experiences is except for other NPS.

But I at least have my son's grown up, at least have the luxury to be able to have get therapy and not have to worry about taking care of children.

And well, I mean, I'm a high school teacher, but I, I can leave them at, you know, behind.

Sure.

After work what?

What is next for her?

Is what is next for you on your your journey?

I'd like to bring this into my work.

What usually happens through my work is it takes me a few years to really grieve and process and then create about it.

That's what it does.

And since my dad just recently passed away and I was able to be free of the secret, so to speak, I feel like it's time for me to start creating about it because I didn't feel like I could without keeping it, you know, a secret.

And to be honest, I feel like art has been my saving grace through my whole life.

It helped me through childhood, it helped me through adult, young adulthood, and I think it's going to help me again through this.

Whole thing that's amazing.

How is your relationship with your mom now?

My mom's, my mom, like you know, it's good.

We had we had some hard times through the process, but we've come to terms and I actually made her after my dad passed away.

I had found out that she had told a few people and it was coming out and I started to feel like I do not want this to come out like gossip.

It's just not like no, this it's already I'm already feeling pain from losing my father and then knowing that she's telling me to keep it a secret, but she's telling people.

So I told her, you know what?

You were going to tell the story.

You're going to either tell the story with me.

We're going to tell the family, my immediate family, or are you going to I'm going to tell them myself.

She's like, no, no, no, don't tell any.

I didn't tell anybody.

I promised who and I'm like you did because it's come out to me.

And so I made her make a choice.

You can tell it with me or I'm going to tell people myself.

Finally she agreed to tell us.

So we sat my nieces down and my, all my siblings and we, I just told them and then they, some of my nieces had questions and, and they're all like, you know, they said the typical things.

Well, none of this matters.

You're still, you're, we love you anyways.

You're still our aunt or you're still my sister, doesn't matter, you know, But other than that, you know, it's been, it's been fine.

I did tell one cousin, I haven't had the really the bad emotional bandwidth to sit, to call every single cousin yet because it's just a lot.

It's heavy, it's hard, you know so, but I wanted to be able to tell people myself rather than it come out from somebody else.

Yeah, for sure.

What advice do you have for a parent who's keeping a DNA surprise from their?

Advice for a parent who’s keeping a DNA surprise from their child

Child, I know you asked this question and I always feel like I wouldn't know how to answer it.

I know personally I wouldn't keep this a secret from my child, just knowing how painful it is.

But then I think about the way I grew up and I think the way it came out was when I was ready and needed it to be.

And I just feel like everybody has a different context and experience of how they live.

So I wouldn't want to assume that I know what would be best for every parent.

I would say mainly to take everything into consideration and do what you either tell your child out of love or tell them at the right time, whatever that may be.

Yeah, no, that's totally fair.

What advice do you have for someone who just uncovered Adna Surprise?

I just want to give you a big hug and tell you it's going to be OK eventually and you're not alone.

Look for resources, look for podcasts like these because I don't really know a lot of people personally who've gone through this.

Just surround yourself with people who understand because I think that's what in the beginning, that's what really got me through.

I would say find your community that supports you.

Ruby, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story.

Like you said, everyone owns their story and they can tell it how and when they want to.

And I think that that's an important message to share.

So thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story, and I hope that you continue to learn more about yourself and make peace with this experience.

And I look forward to seeing your art.

Thank you.

Same to you.

Thanks again to Ruby for sharing her story.

If you have Adna Surprise that you'd like to share, please submit your story at dnasurprises.com and remember to join me over on Patreon for AD free listening, early access to episodes and more.

Learn more at patreon.com/DNA Surprises.

Until next time, this episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced, and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.

It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.